It certainly sounds like a messy affair.

It's not your fault that you've fallen in love; people can't always help the way they feel about someone else.

But it's not fair to your husband that you don't love him and before things get worse, like maybe you becoming pregnant, I would suggest you end the marriage soon.

As for your relationship with the brother, that should not coincide with things in any way.

If, after you're divorced, you both decide to ease into being a couple over the course of time and see where it goes, that in itself will be a challenge for your respective families.

So take one step at a time, slowly and discreetly. Because leaving him for his brother will cause trauma anyway. Waiting it out will help the situation immensely.

She should do her best to get over him.

He is her senior, they share the same office space and he is committed to someone else. Her expressing her feelings is unlikely to cause anything but awkwardness at work.

If she wants to put both her personal life and her career on the line by expressing her feelings, then that is her choice. But like I said, in her place I'd avoid it.

Guilt is not reason enough to go back to an ex, especially one who dumped you for someone else.

If, on the other hand you love him, that's another situation altogether, but you haven't specified that you do.

It may just be that he wants you back because you have now committed to another man?

You need to figure out what you want and who you want. Do you want to give him another chance? How likely is he to break your heart again?

And, on a separate note, I think you're rushing into marriage by December. You haven't given yourself any time to breathe after a decade-long relationship. Why?

Don't marry on the rebound; that will be a terrible mistake, even if you're not going back to your previous boyfriend.

Figure out whether you want to make contact with him first and why. Then take things forward.

Tell him to back off. In no uncertain terms.

Let him know you are not interested in anything besides a professional relationship with him.

And if you feel like you're up against a wall, you have one of two options; inform the HR about his unwelcome advances, because they constitute sexual harassment in the workplace or just apply elsewhere and move to another company.

It's clear she doesn't want to work any more; at least for the moment.

Now, whether or not you would react in the same way if the two of you were married isn't the question here. Explain that you are feeling the strain of running the house alone and would like her to pitch in. That is the same that an overburdened husband would ask of his wife too, isn't it?

Taking a hiatus from work is one thing, but if she intends to stay at home permanently then you need to discuss it.

If you're okay with shouldering the financial responsibilities, maybe she can take over running the household and chores to ease your load.

Remember, stay in a relationship because you want the other person around, not because it's become a habit.

Hi B,

No matter how wealthy your to-be in-laws are, money doesn't give them license to look down their noses at you. You say you're hard working and earn well, surely they know that too!

Sit them down and apprise them of the fact that their rude manner has not gone unnoticed. Be polite but firm. If they were born into money then they've hardly achieved anything, and if they started from scratch like you have, well, surely they should commend you for following in the same footsteps toward making a life for yourself and their daughter?

Tell them that it's best that they make peace with the marriage so that relations are not strained in the future.

If they have no consideration for your feelings, at the very least their daughter's should matter to them.

Dear Looking for Love 

Well, if you're looking for love, then there's no harm in looking on the Internet too, is there?

You don't have to marry someone based off their profile, you can meet new people and if you find someone interesting, take it forward.

Nobody is forcing you into virtual wedded bliss!

Dear Manali,

Arranged or not, there has to be some initial attraction or interest when you meet all these would-be Romeos.

The manner of a person matters; how well-spoken he is, how open, honest, good-humoured.

You could ask what expectations he has of marriage and a life partner, for a start? Personal beliefs, religious beliefs, political affiliations... all of these are important when you're considering spending the rest of your life with a person.

Speak freely, and know that conversation is the way to go, not a QnA session Kaun Banega Crorepati style!

And most importantly, do not settle for someone. Please note, I'm saying it again -- some kind of spark should be there in order to pursue things.

Dear Anonymous, 

How about that? A love marriage without love!

You sound fond of your husband. And yet you say you feel trapped in the marriage; what you are leaving unsaid, I think, is that you feel attraction toward someone else perhaps?

I understand your situation and I'm sorry that your parents pressured you into what was obviously a hasty decision that you have come to regret. Having said that, please know this: Even couples who fancy themselves in the throes of eternal love sometimes fall out of love and part ways. They stop getting along with each other.

Or then in other cases, the initial spark dies down, and people settle into companionship and caring. 

Don't get me wrong, it's always good to try and keep the romance alive in a marriage. But you seem to have what a lot of people are striving for -- a good relationship with someone who you get along with and do love, even if it's not the stuff of movies.

If you feel like you're unhappy, or destined to marry someone else, I say end it. If not, work on it. You can seek counselling too, to resolve your feelings about this situation.

Do remember, you could find someone else and then that new love may come with a different set of problems. You just need to figure it out, my dear. And you will, you just need to focus on what will make you happy. And if he makes you happy, don't walk away from the marriage.

You've enjoyed a mainly online relationship; there's a lot more to things than that.

There is definitely a reason why she's not responding to your messages anymore and it could be anything -- maybe you came on too strong, maybe she's met someone else, maybe her new boyfriend is from the Stone Age and doesn't like her interacting with other male friends.

I would suggest writing her one last message to the effect that you miss your friend, you don't know why she has begun avoiding you and, at the very least, if she wants to discontinue contact she should have the courtesy of letting you know that, along with the reason why.

See if she responds.

If she doesn't, take that as a very strong and clear signal in itself that she wants nothing to do with you anymore and doesn't have manners either. In which case I would strongly suggest you cease all contact as well.

If she does show some courtesy and reply, see if what she has to say can be addressed.

And all things considered, don't be too heartbroken about this. There are many great girls out there for you to start anew with -- in person perhaps, this time around!

It is certainly more important that you are with a nice person rather than a fashion plate and I'm glad that you are not considering changing your look or appearance to impress boys.

Damn straight, you should be the one who decides how you dress, whether it's in a salwar kameez or miniskirt.

 I would strongly suggest that you don't give in to peer pressure.

Sooner or later the right kind of guy will come along, who likes you for who you are, not based on the clothes you wear.

Well, you could let her know about your feelings but if intuition is anything to go by, I'd say she's going to turn you down.

She came to see you because you invited her as a friend and paid for her travel.

Right away, she let you know she's seeing someone and endured heartache, which probably was a subtle way of letting you know that she's not interested in you.

Still, nothing ventured nothing gained I suppose so, if you like, go ahead and tell her anyway.

The worst that can happen is her saying no. But, beyond that, I wouldn't pursue it if I were you. If she doesn't feel for you in that way, that's that and you're better off as friends.

Why doubt yourself so much? He smiles at you, lunches with you...Maybe it's time to break the ice and at least start talking to him?

You'll see where the conversations lead and you'll soon know for sure whether he's genuinely interested or not.

And remember to be yourself. You don't have to overtly try and impress anyone, a person should like you for who you are.

I don't know why this was hidden from your parents for so long, but maybe you should let them know that you don't want to be pressured into marriage too soon.

And just because one man broke your heart doesn't mean all men will do the same. There are a lot of nice guys out there and meeting one may take your mind off your ex.

If he dumped you for no good reason, then that doesn't say much about him at all and you should be glad you didn't end up with a jerk like him, instead of crying. Good riddance, I'd say!

If you think you're feeling depressed and hopeless now, just because you haven't found someone at 27, wait till you're trapped in an unhappy marriage with someone because you were in such a silly rush to get hitched!

Unreasonable expectations from a wife I can understand, but age is just a number. So, if you're attracted to someone, don't consider age enough of a reason to turn him down unless he's some 60-year-old uncle that wears a toupee. It's as superficial as someone turning you down because you're so short.

I would suggest you get off this fast train you're on and just take things slowly.

People today think nothing of getting married at 35 and having kids at 40; you have a long way to go still!

I know more than a couple of women who rushed into marriage for the same reasons as you -- they thought they were aging, other friends were getting married, they wanted to settle down like everyone else, etc. They got divorced eventually and remarried. In their 30s!

Do you think that he's bored of you? You should be able to tell if that's the case.

The question is, why does he need more time?

If there's a practical angle to it, like finances, settling abroad or buying your own home, that's understandable. But if he's still not sure of settling down with you after a decade, then he'll never be.

Don't ever be that person who got married because you were together for so long. Marry because you love each other and want to spend the rest of your lives together.

You shouldn’t marry because the relationship has become a habit; so is smoking.

If he's not sure of you even now, it's time for you to seriously re-examine this relationship and why you're in it.

And you may want to read my previous answer above, about rushing into marriage for the wrong reasons. 

I have a friend who's sailing in the same boat as you.

She's a newly single mom and was very worried during her divorce that she would never find love again. Her husband had already taken up with another woman before their paperwork was finalised.

So I'm going to give you the same advice I gave her -- stop looking.

She did and, a year later, she's in a new but happy relationship.

The guy she's with is someone she always knew as an acquaintance. Post her divorce, they became close and he is fond of the child as well.

There may be challenges ahead but the point is, as soon as she let life take over instead of this obsession to find someone else, a relationship came up unexpectedly and out of nowhere.

So breathe, recover from old wounds and let things happen as they must. Stop planning a second marriage right away. 

You do sound like you're struggling with a bit of an addiction.

I agree that your wife's fears are unscientific and, to be honest, a discreet conversation with the gynaecologist would allay her feelings.

A lot of couples speak to the doctor before resuming sexual relations during pregnancy; it's a very common question to ask.

Most medical practitioners would warn you in case of a risk in individual cases and the fact that your doctor hasn't said anything to you both means you're likely in the clear to do so.

But the fact is, she just doesn't want to have sex at the moment, whatever be the reason, and you can't force her.

Pregnancy is a very challenging time for a woman. So either speak to the doctor or practice a little self control for a couple of months longer.

I think the more she's denying you, the more desperate you're becoming. You could see a therapist and explain your predicament if it is making you so miserable.

What did you do when she was expecting your daughter the first time around? 

Sounds like a plot line from The Bold And The Beautiful!

Deb and you are in a bit of a fix, I can see that... you're wondering if you should play along in a situation that you know will hurt one friend or rat out another?

The safest bet for you is to speak to Shashank and Rina. Let them know you're onto them and what they're doing is unethical.

Rina needs to pick who she wants to be with and Yadav deserves to know the truth. And a faithful girlfriend! But let them be the ones to tell him.

Once they find out that you both are aware, they probably will come clean for fear of someone spilling the beans.

In any case, I don't see Yadav and Shashank remaining friends after this; cheating on your bestie is an absolute no-no.

I would suggest that you consult a gynaecologist, my dear!

I am not qualified to give you medical advice.

Many women get fitted with IUDs as an alternative to birth control pills, but like I said, you need to discuss these options with your doctor.

That is entirely up to you; if you are feeling uncomfortable or harassed, then you certainly should report it.

Since you're saying, however, that it was ‘nothing terribly bad’, you could just warn him off and make it clear that you're not interested and don't appreciate his making passes at you because you're married and he's a colleague.

If he gets the message, great; if not, then you can report him at a later instance.

Take a call.

Looks like this leopard isn't going to change her spots in a hurry, my friend!

She's full of lies and false promises and let me tell you, people rarely change. You have to accept them for who they are.

So, if I were you, I'd end this relationship. She doesn't sound like anyone worth wasting anymore time over.

You'll always be looking over your shoulder, and you'll never be able to trust her.

She's driving you nuts already; it's just time to call it a day with this relationship. There are plenty of other fish in the sea!

You have a child together and it sounds like you both still want the marriage to work. So here's what you should do, at least for now -- compromise.

She absolutely must commit to seeing a marital counsellor with you and, in exchange, she can live in her hometown for the moment and you undertake the commute to see her and your child regularly.

There's no other man in the picture anymore and she's obviously been through a lot; you've been oblivious to her misery living with your mother all those years.

This seems to be a problem with most Indian men today; your wife doesn't need to live with your mother any more than you need to live with hers!

And, as a result, she went and had an emotional, if not physical, affair.

I understand your frustration but making that information public made everything worse. That's probably the main reason why she doesn't want to live there anymore and you need to understand that.

Your marriage needs a lot of work; make the effort, both of you, to save it. 

I really hope that you're telling the truth here, because your story sounds very suspect. It's one thing to mistake a sleeping figure, but you surely can't have not seen that it was your sister-in-law when you tried to kiss her on the lips!

Anyway, I'll give you the benefit of the doubt; and it obviously can't be that bad because, nine months later, she's still living with you both.

If you haven't made a move in her direction since then, she probably realises that you made an honest mistake.

When you get a moment alone with her, please bring to her notice why you thought it was your wife and apologise for the inadvertent misbehaviour.

I'm sure she'll accept your apology and you can move on from this awkward episode.

And if you're really so worried that despite that she may tell on you, tell your wife the truth. She may get annoyed, but it'll be better than her hearing about it from her sister for sure.

You're confused? There's nothing confusing about the situation -- this woman wants nothing from you except an apartment and money.

She doesn't call you, she doesn't hang out with you, she doesn't like acknowledging you in public, she doesn't like having sex with you and she'll marry someone else if you don't fork over the moolah.

Stop considering how to ruin your life and find someone who's happy with you even minus the Rs 40 lakhs and the flat!

You handle this by not caving in to pressure and living life on your own terms.

I wouldn't go about pretending, but I certainly would stand my ground if I were you.

What's the big deal if you get married at 32 or 33 instead of 30? It's just a number at the end of the day.

Rather than deception, choose determination. And your parents really need to cool it with the forcing business! It's your life and you should get a say in when you marry.

Why would you end up in the same situation again, are you stupid enough to go looking for another overly-critical jobless partner?

Lots of people find love again and get married a second time, but that's not what is in question here. The question is whether you really feel nothing at all for your husband and want a divorce.

If you think that the relationship is completely over and want to separate, that's your decision to make.

You could try marital counselling if there is a breakdown in communication between you both, but that's provided you want to save the marriage. And it certainly doesn't sound like you do.

You never even mentioned whether it was a love marriage or arranged match; if it’s the latter and you've never loved him at all, I'd say there's not much point in trying either.

Look, this guy was obviously on the prowl to find a girl on Instagram and I think that he was chatting both you and your friend up, hoping one of the two would end up in a relationship with him.

Who knows where else he was fuelling a fire in the hopes of landing a girlfriend?

And while he was having cosy conversations with you, did he once mention that he was dating your bestie at the side for a whole year? That in itself should tell you that he's something of an opportunist and will take what he can get.

I would suggest you come to terms with it, because he doesn't sound too promising anyway from his behaviour.

I don't think much of him and, as far as I'm concerned, you've dodged a bullet.

Let her have him; you're better off.

You're sitting on a ticking time bomb.

Your wife's indifference is rather strange; not wanting to have sex is one thing and wanting to continue to live in a home where her husband is blatantly cheating on her is quite another.

As for the landlord himself, I don't think you have the right to speak to him; the dynamics between his wife and him are his business. If you want to know his thoughts on the matter, you can ask his wife; I'm sure she knows how he feels about it.

In any case, this is not an ideal situation. It's not only throwing both your marriages into jeopardy; it's also compromising your living situation. Tomorrow if it ends badly between the landlord's wife and you, she may prevail upon her husband to throw you both out. Or he may do it anyway, considering you're sleeping with her.

And there are both children to think of.

First speak to your own wife and find out why she's so indifferent and doesn't want to have sex with you. No one gives up having sex in their 30s for no reason at all; you're still both young.

Try and fix your own marriage and keep your nose out of the landlord's.

I don't understand what the problem is exactly... or are you inventing one?

All you need to do is put your nose to the grind and get the notes done! Work hard and help out and if you can't, well then find someone who can.

But why would you break up with him over something like this? What a ridiculous conclusion to come to!

Oh, you look at other women alright; you're just not as upfront as her about it!

Jokes aside, this obsession with fair skin is such a racist Indian outlook; and while it's shallow as hell, your wife is just looking. It's not like she's hopping into bed with the next whitewashed guy she sees!

So stop letting it bother you so much and while you're at it, give her an education on overcoming these prejudices, because they certainly don't make the world a better place.

Show her a picture of Milind Soman; with his looks, maybe he'll have her smiling too!

You have a husband who is an unemployed, good-for-nothing bum, who doesn't show you respect, steals from you, lives apart from you, likes to associate with call girls, blames you for his failures, beats you and doesn't care if you have an affair.

He ‘talks to your daughters sometimes’.

Honey, you need to be emailing a divorce lawyer, not this column. And do it immediately.

Yes, you're more than just a mother and you do deserve emotional support. You should be kicking his ass to the curb pronto. 

The office situation would have been messy, but now you're leaving so that's great!

You've wasted a decade already, so I'd say it's high time you make your move.

Just ask him out for coffee and see where things go from there. Don't make any huge proclamations of love on a first date but read the signals...you'll know if he's interested or not.

Nothing ventured, nothing gained!

I think this is a massive overreaction on her part.

You met a girl at the side a few times when you were dating your wife. So what?

Yes, I do think it was stupid to hide it from her and you should have come clean, but also what were you hiding exactly? It was a harmless meet-up with a female friend and nothing came of it!

Tell your wife to take her marriage a little more seriously and these silly circumstances a little less seriously and come home already!

If she’s this stuck-up about such small issues, I think she needs therapy.

Your mail is quite confusing in the sense that I don’t know whether you’re currently with him or not; you refer to him as your ex and then say that after your patch-up you’re seeing that he’s making an effort.

Anyway, whether you’re on or off at present, this guy seems rather whimsical. And yes, I think your instinct is right in that he’s at loose ends right now without a job, etc, and wants some emotional support maybe, which is why he wants to get back with you.

I’m not saying don’t give him a chance; you can, if you think he’s genuinely realised that he wants to be with you. But, yes, he should make it official.

And if I were you, I’d be sure of things before getting too involved too fast this time around.

Whoa, slow down Romeo!

Just seeing a girl in the gym is different from spending the rest of your life with her.

Please be a little practical...you know NOTHING about her. So I’d suggest that you make a move to get to know her first, because you haven’t for three years!

And stop building her up so much in your head, it’s not healthy.

You’re obsessed with someone you don’t know. Go up to her and her sister in the gym, introduce yourself and maybe ask them both out for coffee after your workout session and get acquainted first.

You can think of marriage when you’re dating a person, not when you don’t even know her name! 

Dear R, religion plays as big or as small a role in your life as you wish it to.

If either of you is overtly religious and tries to force your beliefs on the other, then yes, it can prove a problem.

If religion inside a home doesn’t matter, then intermarried couples usually have years of happy celebrations together of all festivals, their children follow both customs and everything works out well. And I have seen that happen.

So I would suggest you have the conversation on religion with each other right now, it’s imperative.

And then, if you’re on the same page concerning your future, go ahead and plan it together. 

You’ve needlessly wound yourself up over a silly girl.

You don’t even sound like you’ve had a physical relationship, it was only long distance, so what are you getting so out of joint for? A few intimate conversations with someone who said one thing but meant another?

If things in your life are spiralling so much out of control, I’d suggest therapy.

Stop drinking before it becomes a real problem. It sounds like you’re doing this to yourself deliberately, so that you receive some attention from her.

But the more you do this, the worse the situation will get. And no woman wants an out-of-control, desperate, alcoholic lover!

For heavens’ sake, man, get a hold of yourself and, if you can’t, then get the professional help you need. 

Sounds like you’re tired of the marriage.

I would suggest attending some marital counselling together before you decide to finalise a split, if only for the sake of your daughter.

I understand that the child’s situation is taking precedence over yours, and that’s good parenting, but how long will you carry on like this? It’s been so many years already.

Your wife speaking to her mother about everything is understandable, but within earshot so that you hear it too is not. She obviously has ulterior motives.

Visit a competent counsellor. I’m sure you’ll be able to make headway in this situation.

You’re having an affair with a married woman, but that’s on both of you, not just you. She should have stood up to her family instead of getting married against her will.

It’s a good thing there are no children in the picture yet, or the situation would get even messier.

Forget what her husband decides, why won’t she just decide what she wants to do with her life and leave him? What’s the point of her going back to the States?

She should start thinking for herself and do the needful before the situation goes from bad to worse.

If her family has any sense, they will accept her decision and stand by her. And if they don’t, well, she’s got you, hasn’t she? 

Cut. Him. Off. Completely.

Block him on social media and on your cellphone. And your parents’ cellphones and their social media as well.

The guy is a con and you know it.

You should not have let his stupid rumours cost you your job and your life abroad. The truth of a situation always lets itself be known sooner or later and sometimes you have to brave it out.

I’m sorry to hear what you’ve been through, but you should freeze him out completely.

If you need to talk to someone about this at length, counselling may help.

Does she want to keep it a secret because you’re married or because she doesn’t think it’s a good look for her to be remarried?

If you want to live your life out in the open, I can understand; but the first thing to do in that case is file for divorce from your current wife.

You can then be with your ladylove permanently. And it’ll be a respectable, honest relationship so she won’t want to hide it anymore. 

If he has a lot of issues, I’d suggest you move on.

Such partners are always a headache in the long run. Find someone who doesn’t need to be coaxed into being with you!