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Love Guru

Love Guru

Relationships Expert 

108 Answers | 2 Followers

Love Guru has been answering relationship and romance related questions on Rediff.com for over 13 years. She won't mince words when telling you what the problem is and what you can do about it. If you want a fresh perspective from an unbiased, objective-thinking individual about your relationship woes, Love Guru could just be the person you need to need to hear from.... more

Answered on Mar 13, 2023

Relationship
I am 45 and my wife 40. We are married since 10 years and have a child. We are middle class. I really care my wife and love her. I believe in women empowerment and want my wife to be good in computer knowledge, spoken english and be a smart lady . Smart not in terms of look but from mind. I am an event manager. I want my wife to take take care of house hold responsibilities and help me at work to certain extent in balanced manner. But she is unable to take care of any of my wishes, desires, ambitions. I have tried to talk several several time but every time it becomes one sided. If i speak 100 then she doesn't speak even 1. I want to keep her happy. I want to give her an identity. But i fail in all because she doesn't understand me. This nature of her is just crushing all my ambitions, desires and wishes. By nature she seems to be very simple but as we know too much of anything is bad. Several times i have told her to talk and let me know her point of view, but she doesn't. She is not mature enough to handle those responsibilities that come in our life at different times. FEEL JUST HELPLESS HOW TO TUNE MY HOUSE AND HOUSE HOLD AFFAIRS WITHOUT THE SUPPORT OF WIFE. PLEASE GUIDE.
Ans: You have made very clear what you want, but we have no clue what your wife wants. And communication — or rather the lack of it — is the problem. You obviously can’t facilitate it because she’s simply not responding and I find that highly unusual. It seems like she is unable to express herself at all, and that is certainly an issue. Please consult a professional therapist and explain yourself; I would suggest you attend the first session alone so you are able to articulate the exact nature of the problem.
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Answered on Nov 15, 2022

Answered on Oct 28, 2022

Relationship
Dear Love Guru,I am 28. We had a love marriage. But I don’t love him.My parents were pushing me to marry all the time. He was my good friend.Now I feel trapped living out a lie.I love him dearly but I am not in love with him.Is it wrong to continue a marriage based on falseness.Plz help.Regards,Anonymous
Ans:

Dear Anonymous, 

How about that? A love marriage without love!

You sound fond of your husband. And yet you say you feel trapped in the marriage; what you are leaving unsaid, I think, is that you feel attraction toward someone else perhaps?

I understand your situation and I'm sorry that your parents pressured you into what was obviously a hasty decision that you have come to regret. Having said that, please know this: Even couples who fancy themselves in the throes of eternal love sometimes fall out of love and part ways. They stop getting along with each other.

Or then in other cases, the initial spark dies down, and people settle into companionship and caring. 

Don't get me wrong, it's always good to try and keep the romance alive in a marriage. But you seem to have what a lot of people are striving for -- a good relationship with someone who you get along with and do love, even if it's not the stuff of movies.

If you feel like you're unhappy, or destined to marry someone else, I say end it. If not, work on it. You can seek counselling too, to resolve your feelings about this situation.

Do remember, you could find someone else and then that new love may come with a different set of problems. You just need to figure it out, my dear. And you will, you just need to focus on what will make you happy. And if he makes you happy, don't walk away from the marriage.

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Answered on Oct 07, 2022

Relationship
Dear love guru, Hope u are doing well.  This story starts in 2018 when I was in my 12th. I had a huge crush on this junior girl. This girl is very intelligent and she used to get very high marks. So I took that as an inspiration and started working very hard on my academics. I started to read like a maniac and that worked and I got seat in a very prestigious college hoping she would get the seat in the same college but unfortunately she got seat in other state. I was disappointed. I was shy and never talked to her in my 12th and thought I lost my chance of talking to her ever again. But fortunately after a year, I found her insta and mustered my courage to chat with her.  Although it was awkward initially, we became good friends (I guess so) and used to chat almost daily. She is really a charmer and she chats so nicely. She is a great friend but I never had courage to say about my feelings. She used to talk about her friends, her new college and her cats and so many things about herself and as I am her senior, I used to guide her and talk about my daily experiences. We had great time talking to each other on insta, WhatsApp and even snapchat. Heck we have a Spotify playlist Collab and she even included me in her private Instagram account as a close friend (u know that girls do have spam accounts for close friends) and I was wondering whether I'm just another friend or close friend or anything more.  This continued like for many months and we chatted very well in the lockdown. I never met her or called her, we just chatted( I'm a shy guy and not so good at talking to girls). Feelings aside, she became a really good friend to me and I don't have many friends. I never said her about my feelings, fearing it would destroy this great friendship I was having. But recently she was not responding properly to my chats( I never misbehaved in the chat ). I do believe she is seeing a guy whom she met recently but I don't know whether that is a relationship or just friendship.  I was disappointed but hey it's her life and I was u know just continuing my life feeling sad sometimes or just trying to forget about her. And recently she completely avoided my messages and I was so hurt(I do have some self-respect right). U could say this as a one side love story. But this is so hard. After all she is my first love and this started affecting my academics. Should I move on or should I just continue trying to talk to her so that hopefully she will talk to me like she used to before. I don't have any problem continuing but sometimes I feel what's the purpose since it is going nowhere.  Please give me any valuable suggestion. Sorry for the long story Thank you  
Ans:

You've enjoyed a mainly online relationship; there's a lot more to things than that.

There is definitely a reason why she's not responding to your messages anymore and it could be anything -- maybe you came on too strong, maybe she's met someone else, maybe her new boyfriend is from the Stone Age and doesn't like her interacting with other male friends.

I would suggest writing her one last message to the effect that you miss your friend, you don't know why she has begun avoiding you and, at the very least, if she wants to discontinue contact she should have the courtesy of letting you know that, along with the reason why.

See if she responds.

If she doesn't, take that as a very strong and clear signal in itself that she wants nothing to do with you anymore and doesn't have manners either. In which case I would strongly suggest you cease all contact as well.

If she does show some courtesy and reply, see if what she has to say can be addressed.

And all things considered, don't be too heartbroken about this. There are many great girls out there for you to start anew with -- in person perhaps, this time around!

 

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Answered on Oct 03, 2022

Relationship
Dear Love Guru  I am 4 ft 8 inches, age 27 yrs and I work in the admin department of a leading MNC. I am the only daughter to my parents and they want me to get married soon. So far I have rejected at least 15 men because they are either too elder to me or have unreasonable expectations from me as a future wife. An equal number of them have rejected me because I am short and earn less than Rs 30,000 per month. I don't have a boyfriend either. My parents are getting worried and I am feeling depressed and hopeless. I don't know what to do. Pls help. 
Ans:

If you think you're feeling depressed and hopeless now, just because you haven't found someone at 27, wait till you're trapped in an unhappy marriage with someone because you were in such a silly rush to get hitched!

Unreasonable expectations from a wife I can understand, but age is just a number. So, if you're attracted to someone, don't consider age enough of a reason to turn him down unless he's some 60-year-old uncle that wears a toupee. It's as superficial as someone turning you down because you're so short.

I would suggest you get off this fast train you're on and just take things slowly.

People today think nothing of getting married at 35 and having kids at 40; you have a long way to go still!

I know more than a couple of women who rushed into marriage for the same reasons as you -- they thought they were aging, other friends were getting married, they wanted to settle down like everyone else, etc. They got divorced eventually and remarried. In their 30s!

 

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Answered on Oct 03, 2022

Answered on Oct 03, 2022

Relationship
Dear Love Guru, I want to stay Anonymous. I am 26 year old Man, been married for 6 years and have a 5 year old daughter. My wife is pregnant right now and we haven't have sex for 7 months now. For my sexual life information, i need sex every 2-3 days because somehow i feel i need it, hell i want sex every day to be honest and I can't help it.  But my wife don't want to have sex right now because of her pregnancy, she basically fears that sex will harm our child in the womb of which I have assured her many times that its safe and i will make sure that we will do it safely but she won't understand. She wouldn't even ask or let me ask to our doctor if it's safe to have sex while pregnant to clear her doubts and won't trust me that its safe.  She also doesn't feel the need of sex and feels anger and irritation when i approach her for sex.  Now I completely understand that she doesn't want it because of mood swings or change in hormones but God it is killing me right now by not having sex. I don't know but i am made that way and she hates me now for approaching her for sex every other day and bursts in to anger and tears. It makes me feel ashamed about myself and makes me cry inside too. But again somehow i need sex which is completely making me this lustful a***e in my wife's eyes. I try to release my sexual tension by masterbating but the guilt of wanting sex and also anger towards my wife rejecting me every night never leaves from my head. All i think about whole day is sex and it's making me angry towards my wife hence i stopped sleeping next to her so that I can't annoy her while she is sleeping because whenever i sleep next to her I can't control my hands which always finds their way on her body making her more angrier.  She hates me because i don't sleep next to her and doesn't take care of her but i explained her that I can't stop my self from touching her and she won't understand. She wants me next to her and also doesn't want me to touch her which i am not able to do honestly.  I know there is something wrong with me but i am confused if it is all my fault or it is some of hers too. All i want to be is a  good husband but i have my sexual needs too. What should i do?  P.S. I am not sex addict as i never have touched any other women in my entire life even right now when i need sex badly, and that's makes me wonder Do I really deserve this? 
Ans:

You do sound like you're struggling with a bit of an addiction.

I agree that your wife's fears are unscientific and, to be honest, a discreet conversation with the gynaecologist would allay her feelings.

A lot of couples speak to the doctor before resuming sexual relations during pregnancy; it's a very common question to ask.

Most medical practitioners would warn you in case of a risk in individual cases and the fact that your doctor hasn't said anything to you both means you're likely in the clear to do so.

But the fact is, she just doesn't want to have sex at the moment, whatever be the reason, and you can't force her.

Pregnancy is a very challenging time for a woman. So either speak to the doctor or practice a little self control for a couple of months longer.

I think the more she's denying you, the more desperate you're becoming. You could see a therapist and explain your predicament if it is making you so miserable.

What did you do when she was expecting your daughter the first time around? 

 

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Answered on Sep 14, 2022

Relationship
Hello. I want this to be anonymous. I'm 25 year old and I have been in a relationship for the last 4-5 yrs with my childhood friend . According to me she is a complete attention seeker and dosent care about my emotions. Like she used to text boys who proposed her and delete the messages which she replied but used to keep the messages which they did and send me that they are flirting with me I never used to ask for those screenshots anyway she herself would send me those says that only they are messaging her even thought she isnt responding once she fogot to delete one message where I caught her and we had a huge fight regarding and then she claimed i have i deleted the messages and I promised she will not repeat it again but she totally did it multiple times and I caught her doing that multiple times and she used to flirt with people who proposed her and once we were have lunch in a restaurant and one person who has intrest in her came to the same place and was sitting behind us and she suddenly stood up and sat infront of me where she could see him or vice-versa like how can she do that when I'm around and there are many other fights she has a best friend she shares with him everything last year I broke up with her due to all these reasons and we pathed up after 2 months , after getting back her friend asked her if she is talking to me or not she simply replied shes not talking to me even though we are fine and happy and just last month one of my cousins was flirting with me and I showed her the messages and was being open to her but never crossed a line but she went behind my back and talked to my cousins elder brother who is my own sister's husband that his sister is flirting with me even thought i myself made it clear there's nothing going on, after all this she is calling me to get back with her and she promises that she won't repeat the mistake never again which she already did n number of times what should I do I'm not fine and I think I'm depressed I'm spoiling my career thinking about this.
Ans:

Looks like this leopard isn't going to change her spots in a hurry, my friend!

She's full of lies and false promises and let me tell you, people rarely change. You have to accept them for who they are.

So, if I were you, I'd end this relationship. She doesn't sound like anyone worth wasting anymore time over.

You'll always be looking over your shoulder, and you'll never be able to trust her.

She's driving you nuts already; it's just time to call it a day with this relationship. There are plenty of other fish in the sea!

 

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Answered on Sep 14, 2022

Relationship
Hi. First of all would like to stay anonymous. Been married for 9 yrs. 5 yrs after marriage had a kid. We were having issues during this time though it was not very huge (that's what I thought). My mom and she were having issues, which were spilling over to me too. She was from a small town and always comparing how easy life is there as against the metro life (i Always been here and like it). She used to go her town for some reason or other for extended periods of time. But v were in love. Few years after the kid, she started becoming aloof. I suspected something wrong. This time when she went back to her place too rarely used to call me or answer my calls. When she came back, I checked her phone and found her sharing her feelings with her guy friend for him. This upset me and i shared her betrayal with family and friends out of anger. But she tried convincing me that he is just friend etc. After my few weeks of anger, i said let's work on the relationship and let me know what to do. I sent mom over to another house too.  However one day she said she wants to meet her parents and come back. Once she went there, she didn't tell me when she plans to come over. Her parents kept telling that she will come after so and so. After 7 months, she said that she won't come back to my city. She said she wants to separate. I tried hard convincing her that things will change and she should give the relationship a chance. She also avoids going to counsellor. After me visiting her place for few number of times, she seems to now suggest that she will come for sometime to my city and go and i can also visit her for sometime. She is not agreeing to move to the city and stay with me. She has admitted our kid to the school there. She rarely talks on phone to me. Though my kid calls me often. She mentioned that the guy got married and she is not in touch. What do you think i should do? Wait for her to come around or legally separate and move on?( 40 now) I am confused. She says she can't say about the future but currently she doesn't want to stay in my town. Regards
Ans:

You have a child together and it sounds like you both still want the marriage to work. So here's what you should do, at least for now -- compromise.

She absolutely must commit to seeing a marital counsellor with you and, in exchange, she can live in her hometown for the moment and you undertake the commute to see her and your child regularly.

There's no other man in the picture anymore and she's obviously been through a lot; you've been oblivious to her misery living with your mother all those years.

This seems to be a problem with most Indian men today; your wife doesn't need to live with your mother any more than you need to live with hers!

And, as a result, she went and had an emotional, if not physical, affair.

I understand your frustration but making that information public made everything worse. That's probably the main reason why she doesn't want to live there anymore and you need to understand that.

Your marriage needs a lot of work; make the effort, both of you, to save it. 

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Answered on Sep 09, 2022

Answered on Sep 09, 2022

Relationship
Dear Love Guru, I am 50 years divorced man in relation with a 42 years divorced women. We have known to each other for the last 7 years, but only for the 8/9 months we have committed to each other. We intend to marry. But she insists for 40 lakh money and 1 flat in her name. Then only will see agree to marry. She says if not given she will marry another guy who will meet her requirements. I am so much in love that I am thinking of giving her demands and marry her.  But the real problem is, she has many male friends with whom she regularly chats over watsup and messanger. She also goes for dinner with some friends.  Secondly, whenever we go to any group parties (her known) she flirt around with male friends, like taking pictures holding each other, dancing closely together etc. I after ask her dance with me or take snaps with me, she just avoids. I have seen many male friends of her touching her bump or cheeks or holding her waists, she never objects. But when I try to do the same, she objects saying what people will think etc. She tries to stay away from me during the parties. I constantly remind her to stay with me, she says not to be so possessive and allow her some space.  Previously we had sex once a month for 5/6 months, but for the last 3 months she has totally stopped having sex, she says will do it only after marriage. Whenever we had sex, she didnt seems to participate, she just tells me to finish off fast.  Again, I am only one who telephones her every night for talking. She never calls me. Throughout the day she never calls and rarely chats with me. After I propose or insists, we meet once in 10 days. she always prefers to meet in group of friends. With me she talks quite ok, but in group she becomes very lively and active. I am confused whether to proceed for marriage by fulfilling her demands. What if after marriage she repeats the same flirteous nature and not so committed towards me. Please advice and help. Regards.
Ans:

You're confused? There's nothing confusing about the situation -- this woman wants nothing from you except an apartment and money.

She doesn't call you, she doesn't hang out with you, she doesn't like acknowledging you in public, she doesn't like having sex with you and she'll marry someone else if you don't fork over the moolah.

Stop considering how to ruin your life and find someone who's happy with you even minus the Rs 40 lakhs and the flat!

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Answered on Sep 09, 2022

Relationship
Dear Love Guru, I'm a married woman and I work with a private company. My husband has no job and sits at home all day. I hate going home because he is very frustrated and always says something negative and annoying when he sees me. I have several male friends, who are younger to me and I like talking to them and sharing details about my day. My husband suspects I am having an affair and keeps checking my phone. He has followed me to work on a couple of occasions. He now keeps tabs on me and wants me to inform him about my whereabouts. I feel that my marriage is over and there's nothing to look forward to. I want to move out and start afresh. But will I get a second chance at finding love? What if I end up in the same situation again? 
Ans:

Why would you end up in the same situation again, are you stupid enough to go looking for another overly-critical jobless partner?

Lots of people find love again and get married a second time, but that's not what is in question here. The question is whether you really feel nothing at all for your husband and want a divorce.

If you think that the relationship is completely over and want to separate, that's your decision to make.

You could try marital counselling if there is a breakdown in communication between you both, but that's provided you want to save the marriage. And it certainly doesn't sound like you do.

You never even mentioned whether it was a love marriage or arranged match; if it’s the latter and you've never loved him at all, I'd say there's not much point in trying either.

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Answered on Aug 25, 2022

Relationship
Hi Love Guru. My name is S, I am 33 years old. I got married when I was 23 years old and have a son who is 9 years old and is studying in Lucknow. My wife is not interested in sex and hardly had sex in 3 years. We live in Bangalore on rent. Somehow I got into a sexual relationship with my landlord's wife who is relatively older than me and has 1 son studying abroad. My wife knew about my sexual relationship so does my landlord but no one ever brought it into the discussion. We used to talk and sit together daily during breakfast and dinner. It's been more than a year now and I am not sure what is next in this relationship. I need sex and don't want to leave my wife but I am afraid of the situation if it comes up. My wife doesn't want to move out of this house. Should I talk to my wife and landlord or should I remain silent?
Ans:

You're sitting on a ticking time bomb.

Your wife's indifference is rather strange; not wanting to have sex is one thing and wanting to continue to live in a home where her husband is blatantly cheating on her is quite another.

As for the landlord himself, I don't think you have the right to speak to him; the dynamics between his wife and him are his business. If you want to know his thoughts on the matter, you can ask his wife; I'm sure she knows how he feels about it.

In any case, this is not an ideal situation. It's not only throwing both your marriages into jeopardy; it's also compromising your living situation. Tomorrow if it ends badly between the landlord's wife and you, she may prevail upon her husband to throw you both out. Or he may do it anyway, considering you're sleeping with her.

And there are both children to think of.

First speak to your own wife and find out why she's so indifferent and doesn't want to have sex with you. No one gives up having sex in their 30s for no reason at all; you're still both young.

Try and fix your own marriage and keep your nose out of the landlord's.

 

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Answered on Aug 25, 2022

Relationship
Hello love guru. AB this side. In 2019, I finally met the love of my life. The true love. My soul mate. He is everything a girl could ask for. And the best part is he also reciprocates the same. Despite the initial disapproval from my mom, I haven't given up yet (She rejected on the basis that he is my friend's relative and my mom doesn't like my friend that much). Also my friend never wanted me to be with him; thanks to their childhood banter. But you know love is love. So in 2020, thanks to the pandemic, I had to quit my job and come back home. So my partner and I decided to prepare for UPSC and UGC NET respectively in order to win our families' approval for marriage. The actual problem is that he assigned me some note making work and I never completed it on time. I have done this twice. I feel bad and guilty. I feel like breaking up with him. Because of me, he is never able to get prepared for his exams. But he never wants to give up and encourages me to try one more time since he is preparing for 2023 exams. I do want to marry him but my demons are hovering over my future. I don't know what to do? What can be done in this situation? Please help me. Am I too late ? Or there is still some hope left? Sincerely  AB
Ans:

I don't understand what the problem is exactly... or are you inventing one?

All you need to do is put your nose to the grind and get the notes done! Work hard and help out and if you can't, well then find someone who can.

But why would you break up with him over something like this? What a ridiculous conclusion to come to!

 

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Answered on Aug 25, 2022

Relationship
Hello love guru. I wanted to know if I am wrong or right. As my husband has blocked me from phone by all means and do not even talk to me, so what should I do? I am working far from my Father in laws home where he stays with his brother (divorcee). He is not working and I am working and taking care of two daughters. Whenever he comes here, he fight a lot saying insane and sarcastic words to me. Since two and half months he stayed with us and left us (though he sometimes talk to my daughters only). I feel alone and nobody is there to support me or even talk to me for my emotional support. Now somebody has started talking to me and even I started, I really do not know what to do. Kindly guide. I told this to my husband also and he says whatever you wish you do.. I do not know why he says like this..He did not even tried to search a job where I am working, but when he went to inlaws there he started searching interestingly. If we do not talk then how  our relation will continue being husband. Also I found many times that he keep on searching call girls from his mobile phone search history and even his friends at inlaws told me that they saw girl accompanying him..but even I want to forget all these things as I found my daughters feel happy to talk to him..but what about my emotions and my physical needs..who will take care of if this keep on continued...as after marriage I found no happy-happy situations for me atleast..he says he lost all his jobs because of me..But all baseless objections...and blames me, harms me by beating also some times..I some times cry alone... but  this is not the life I expected after working so hard...I also used to pay him all money whatever he and whenever he demnaded.. I paid more than 10 lakhs of savings to him till date and did not even ever counted..he also stolen all gold from home without even asking me..I want to forgive him for all but when he is not interested in talking to me and just ignores me then how and why I should continue with him..just because he is my husband..or should I remarry to someone who is really willing to marry me...knowing all these things..or should I dont? As a mother of two daughters I sometimes think..that my only responsibility is to upbring my daughters...but then I also needs someone's emotional support...though economically independent..I also said to him to give me alimony as he does not pay anything to me and also file for divorce...as even I have a right to live happily...kab tak aise hi aansu bahau uske liye jisne mujhe block hi kar rakha hai from phone? I am confused please help me out!!
Ans:

You have a husband who is an unemployed, good-for-nothing bum, who doesn't show you respect, steals from you, lives apart from you, likes to associate with call girls, blames you for his failures, beats you and doesn't care if you have an affair.

He ‘talks to your daughters sometimes’.

Honey, you need to be emailing a divorce lawyer, not this column. And do it immediately.

Yes, you're more than just a mother and you do deserve emotional support. You should be kicking his ass to the curb pronto. 

 

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Answered on May 30, 2022

Relationship
Hello Love Guru. Let me start with, please do not disclose my name/email. That aside, I fell in love with my now wife about 3.5 years ago now but she feels like I betrayed her. The problem I created for myself. When my first girlfriend broke up with me by cheating on me the day she moved away she accepted everything. This was someone who I back then thought was the one and the relationship went on for 5 years. I was down in a very bad way! I struggled to come out of it for a couple years and during that I found out that I enjoyed any attention given to me by any beautiful girl. Even if the attention was just temporary flirting. During my single days, while I was struggling with money and keeping a good job I found a girl who I knew from back in the day and she started flirting with me on day 1 which made me smile a lot. A few weeks after that was the first time I met my now wife and somehow, I knew very quickly that I wanted this beautiful and powerful woman be the one I marry. What I did stupidly is I thought harmless flirting is a non-issue and continued (only flirting and met three times in six months for food and drinks). FYI, this girl knew that I wasn't interested and this was just fun and that I had started to feel love for someone else -- there was no physical intimacy of any kind with this girl. We were just going out to dates once every two months and would talk on phone at times. The moment I realised that things were moving fast with my now wife, I stopped everything and just focused on my wife. The problem is, I never told my wife fearing she wouldn't understand as she has a very narrow view of a relationship between man and woman. Then one day, three years later, my wife decided to check my old drive and found backup of my old phone with about 5-8 pictures of the previous girl and me sitting in a restaurant, taking selfies and laughing. My wife after this reached the conclusion that I betrayed her. My wife knows there was no physical intimacy, she knows she was just a friend but she still feels that I have betrayed her. Since then she has moved to her parent's house and she refuses to come back with me. She says that she has no faith in me anymore and that I might do this again. She says that I was happier with that girl than I am with my wife. What do I do? I don't want to lose my wife.
Ans:

I think this is a massive overreaction on her part.

You met a girl at the side a few times when you were dating your wife. So what?

Yes, I do think it was stupid to hide it from her and you should have come clean, but also what were you hiding exactly? It was a harmless meet-up with a female friend and nothing came of it!

Tell your wife to take her marriage a little more seriously and these silly circumstances a little less seriously and come home already!

If she’s this stuck-up about such small issues, I think she needs therapy.

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Answered on May 30, 2022

Relationship
Hello Love Guru. I want to ask about my ex. We had relationship for past two years but kind of on and off. During initial stages we both acted immaturely and broke up but still one of us patch up. Last time, last year in September, my ex broke up saying he doesn't like my personality and our relationship is unmotivating. Even the previous breakup was by him saying he needs time and space. Although he had introduced me to his sister and friends, I think he is just been in relationship for TP. When he broke up last time, he got promoted at work maybe that’s why. Currently he said he has quit his job IDK reason and suddenly he realised he took wrong decisions. I was sure I don't want to give any more chance. So I told him that introduce me to your parents as your GF, not for marriage now. He said he will try but not sure. I have decided he is free and hence he wants relationship so not moving forward with him. Please tell me what you think. Although, after our patch-up, I do see small efforts from his side but I was always one who was on giving end.
Ans:

Your mail is quite confusing in the sense that I don’t know whether you’re currently with him or not; you refer to him as your ex and then say that after your patch-up you’re seeing that he’s making an effort.

Anyway, whether you’re on or off at present, this guy seems rather whimsical. And yes, I think your instinct is right in that he’s at loose ends right now without a job, etc, and wants some emotional support maybe, which is why he wants to get back with you.

I’m not saying don’t give him a chance; you can, if you think he’s genuinely realised that he wants to be with you. But, yes, he should make it official.

And if I were you, I’d be sure of things before getting too involved too fast this time around.

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Answered on May 30, 2022

Relationship
Hello Ma’am/Sir. I, Shivam Sharma. I want a suggestion for the problem I am facing right now. Before that I am going to share my story with you. It is about 2018 when I joined a gym near-by my house. I got a crush on a girl. She came with her sister and brother. I used to watch her in gym. Later I found that I love her. I have had her in my dreams. After some time I think she knows that I watched her in gym and got a crush on her. Then she, her sister started watching me every day and sometimes they smile sometimes they used to make a strange face like angry or something but I didn't understand at all (mixed reactions). All this went for a long time till 2020 before COVID-19. I know her Instagram and Facebook handle but I didn’t her send her a request becoz of reputation. Even I can't able to talk to her in gym becoz of reputation. After that I didn't get the time to join the gym till now. Now the situation is I joined the gym but still I got mixed reaction sometimes smile or strange or no reaction. I don't able to understand what is going on in her head. I really want something to happen but in a positive way. I really like this girl I want to spend my whole life with her. I want to marry. I want this to happen in 3 months becoz after that I will move to some other state for my further studies. I don't have enough time. Ma’am, please help me how can I approach her. How can I make her feel positive or to like me and relationship all. I can't able to understand what I am going to do.  Shivam
Ans:

Whoa, slow down Romeo!

Just seeing a girl in the gym is different from spending the rest of your life with her.

Please be a little practical...you know NOTHING about her. So I’d suggest that you make a move to get to know her first, because you haven’t for three years!

And stop building her up so much in your head, it’s not healthy.

You’re obsessed with someone you don’t know. Go up to her and her sister in the gym, introduce yourself and maybe ask them both out for coffee after your workout session and get acquainted first.

You can think of marriage when you’re dating a person, not when you don’t even know her name! 

(more)

Answered on May 30, 2022

Relationship
Dear Love Guru, From where should I begin? It's a rather complex one. Well, I was in a 6-year-old long distance relationship (we met on Facebook) it was a good one and he was the best friend I thought I wanted. Over the years though, I started seeing a controlling streak in him in whatever I did. Though we were only connected online but applications like Discord, having access to my accounts and passwords became a tool to keep tabs on me. I had no privacy of my own and the sad part, I didn't even realise it was toxic. He had taken hold of a lot of aspects of my life and I didn't even realise how unhealthy it is. It was last year when I lost my mother (having lost my father years back) when life hit me. I was completing first year of my MBA programme when this tragedy occurred. Her passing amidst the COVID 2nd wave was terrorising, to say the least. Thankfully, I had gem of friends who were there throughout. It was amidst this that I realised that there was an element of control in the support he provided. He didn't understand the magnitude of what I was going through and always undermined my efforts. There was no respect in him for me and for me there was no love left (when I introspect now I think I was more in love with idea of love rather than loving him) but I didn't realise this because I was so habituated with him. My MBA summer internship started and I was paired with this batchmate who was also a classmate. I didn't know him because COVID ensured that first year of PG is completely online. When I first met him. I found him to be stiff, rude and cribbing. I didn't realise he was an introvert. Eventually, I started warming up to him with us travelling almost two months together there developed a thickness. We bonded over our shared state, food and sadness of losing our mothers. I didn't even realise when I started getting attracted to him and neither did he. But when I did the first thing that I did was to break up with the guy I was with because for the first time in six years I was tilting towards someone else and I knew that this was it for us. The break-up was long, tiresome and hurtful for both of us. I hated hurting him but I couldn't be with him and suffocate myself any longer. We tried to wish each other well but then when has all this been anything but ending up in a train wreck and now we don't have any contact with each other. I keep him in prayers and wishes because I know he is not a bad human being it's just that I allowed him to walk over me and he kept on doing it without realising what he is doing is mental abuse. But it's not the story of me and my ex. It's the story of the guy I have come to love. The rude, stiff and cribby guy… who knew he would turn out be this sensitive, loving and appreciative soul. I got what I always wanted from someone I loved: respect, trust and appreciation. It's not like I don't have fights with him or arguments but there is a dialogue at the end. He understands where he went wrong and so do I. I am finally in a happy, healthy relationship. The only issue here is we both are from two different religions, I am H and he is M. This often makes me feel that there is a timer to us. We are two highly educated people from urban India, completing our post-graduation from one of India's top B-schools with great placements in hand and still the noose of society and religion is tied around our neck. I try not to think of us in the long term but I am on that side of 20s now that settling down is always on my mind. Especially after losing my parents, I often crave a family that is my own. There is also a hint of loss hovering over me. I still haven't moved on from losing my mother and I don't think I ever will. But last one year has been a roller coaster ride with major decisions and incidences. How do I wrap my head around all of this? Now, here I am between love, life and ambitions. Asking you what to do? Where to go? Which road should be taken? Regards, R PS: Please ensure anonymity.
Ans:

Dear R, religion plays as big or as small a role in your life as you wish it to.

If either of you is overtly religious and tries to force your beliefs on the other, then yes, it can prove a problem.

If religion inside a home doesn’t matter, then intermarried couples usually have years of happy celebrations together of all festivals, their children follow both customs and everything works out well. And I have seen that happen.

So I would suggest you have the conversation on religion with each other right now, it’s imperative.

And then, if you’re on the same page concerning your future, go ahead and plan it together. 

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Answered on May 30, 2022

Relationship
Hello Sir or Madam. Please keep me as anonymous only. Let me tell my story. I am 29 now. Work for an MNC for the past six years. From middle class family with big circle. Before going to speak out on my problem, let me tell my nature, how I was brought up, studies and attitude. Since we are middle class family with no financial crisis, I never seen ups and downs in Life accordingly. In the case of studies, I was topper at all levels of education till MBA from reputed institute. I was like love is trash n waste of time. When I used to hear all love stories, I used to feel pity on them. But I did maintain very good relationship with many, many girls (not GF type). But now I am going through the hell just because of one girl whom I was forcibly loved her and later I addicted to her with true love. During COVID I had to go WFH for two years. She visited her granny’s house and stayed back for few weeks. They live in Bangalore. I have never seen her face or noticed her during the time when she stayed. But she noticed, observed and enquired about me. So once she left to Bangalore, she sent FB request and I accepted. Immediately we have exchanged numbers and started texting ‘n’ talking. Initially I rejected her since she is eight years junior to me. Later she emotionally told once as she lost her father very recently and she just don’t want to go into depression again if I reject her. I got convinced and started loving truly. I replaced her father in her life which she used to tell. One day, she got caught by her brother while she was on call with me. Since we belong to different castes, they rejected me. She got house arrested. There was no connection between us. First time in life I fell into depression. I lost my job after just three weeks when she got separated from me. I was unable to speak anyone in the world. My family ‘n’ circle was afraid as I may do harm to myself for her. On December 16, 2021, I tried to commit suicide by writing a letter in laptop to her telling how I was missing her ‘n’ needed her. Took print and left to railway track to die. I took alcohol and was on the track. Someone rescued me and took me to hometown from Bangalore with PAN card address which was in my purse. Every day I was losing hope on my life. Finally I got call from her number in the first week of Jan. I was happy and cried like anything with her on call. She told that she would never leave me alone whatever happens ‘n’ who ever tries to separate us. Again, I took my energy ‘n’ hopes back and started job searching. There was 1 month gap again until Feb 8, 2022. After that she used to call me whenever it is possible. From March 15 to March 31, she kept fighting with me over call and spoken mercilessly. There was no kindness or love or concern on me. Again, I lost hope on my life. She kept asking me to stay away from her. She knew that I cannot initiate contact from my end, since she only should do whenever she able to do. Day by day, I am losing interest on my Life. I left the job. Now I’m alone with her thoughts and words spoken by her. My family n circle knew all this drama what’s going on. They hate me for losing self-respect for a girl. But I have never seen that girl as a girl. I am addicted to alcohol, day ‘n’ night drinking and surviving. I knew she won’t come back if I ruin my life like this by drinking ‘n’ all. But I just can’t control myself over her. The promises which she made me were gone... But still I stand for her, for what I promised. I begged the girl like anything not to leave me alone. I just can’t digest that she won’t be no more for me. N number of the times I used to tell her that You are my first priority over all in my life, like family, siblings, money, career and what not. Most of the times I told her that I’ll commit suicide for you if I come to know that you are not there for me. It doesn’t mean that I am an emotional fool who does not know how to live or unable to get another girl. But you have such significance in my life. I elaborated as much as I can. But she never listened me. I am just wonder where was her sweet words ‘n’ promises, what’s the reality now? I am upset with me -- where was original me and who I am now without self-respect. My parents ‘n’ siblings are forcing me to give up on her. As per them, she is just a golddigger and cheater without love and trust... My mind n heart never ever forgets her. Don’t know the future. But many times I pray God to kill me in sleep itself without pain so I can reach Venkateshwara... Entire world is against that girl, but I am defending her at every passing moment. Human beings invented many amazing things. My wish is we should be available with tablets or injection which can erase memories which belongs to particular person or for particular time in life... The real enemy to the human beings is LOVE.... Finally I am just waiting for my death... I knew that she won’t realise even if I die also. But I should sleep forever and ever just because for the crime I did love her.... Dear Bujji, it’s for you. I am also a human being as like U. As like your mother, even my mother has given birth to me. Finally, no words.... I am alone... Memories are hunting me.... chasing me... Love Guru, please publish this story as it is. Because someone may going through hell with similar story at least they will read the Q&A as well. Love Guru... I hate me... I do have all with me -- good health, 21 LPA job now, stabilised family and friends ‘n’ family circle... But this bloody struggling to get her love amongst the 7 billion people on this Earth... Love Guru, I feel that I lost. I am feeling low... I got cheated by her... Finally I am nothing to her. Dear readers, don’t think that why this fool is suffering for a girl like this.... I have seen her my GODDESS... Thank you... Have a nice day…
Ans:

You’ve needlessly wound yourself up over a silly girl.

You don’t even sound like you’ve had a physical relationship, it was only long distance, so what are you getting so out of joint for? A few intimate conversations with someone who said one thing but meant another?

If things in your life are spiralling so much out of control, I’d suggest therapy.

Stop drinking before it becomes a real problem. It sounds like you’re doing this to yourself deliberately, so that you receive some attention from her.

But the more you do this, the worse the situation will get. And no woman wants an out-of-control, desperate, alcoholic lover!

For heavens’ sake, man, get a hold of yourself and, if you can’t, then get the professional help you need. 

(more)

Answered on May 13, 2022

Relationship
Dear Love Guru, Please keep me anonymous. I am a 45 years old married male. Ours was an arranged marriage. My spouse as well as my in-laws have cynical attitude towards life. They are always abusive towards everyone at their back even. Earlier, I used to take it lightly and also tried to make my wife understand that there are good people also in the world. I also used to think that she may not be having the same attitude at least towards me but I was wrong. I always did my best whenever she was in trouble or otherwise, be it in her social, professional or medical needs but instead of acknowledging she always found some ulterior motive of mine. She acts sweet whenever she wants anything or to get things done from me otherwise she becomes abusive. Moreover, since beginning she discusses everything over phone with her mother and acts as per her guidance. I don't think that anything whatever happens in between us be it good or bad or in our house is not known to her mother. Whenever we have any quarrel she immediately calls her mother and tells her only her side of the things and uses abusive words for me. I have even requested her that even if she feels like calling her mother to lighten up, she may do it, but at least in privacy so that I should not hear the words she uses. But, now after 14 years I am getting fed up and don't feel like being with her. I am continuing because of my daughter as separation may affect the child. We no longer share any emotional or physical intimacy. I am exhausted. Please advise.  Regards, Anonymous
Ans:

Sounds like you’re tired of the marriage.

I would suggest attending some marital counselling together before you decide to finalise a split, if only for the sake of your daughter.

I understand that the child’s situation is taking precedence over yours, and that’s good parenting, but how long will you carry on like this? It’s been so many years already.

Your wife speaking to her mother about everything is understandable, but within earshot so that you hear it too is not. She obviously has ulterior motives.

Visit a competent counsellor. I’m sure you’ll be able to make headway in this situation.

(more)

Answered on May 13, 2022

Relationship
Hi Love Guru, I am in a bit of a pickle and would highly appreciate your advice. My love story in short: Me and my girl are in relation from our college days and are of different caste and girl’s family are in no way interested to entertain our love. They got her married to a person of their choice and moved to US. She has been married for four years as of today. Right after marriage she moved to the US. She used to message me and wanted to be in constant touch to know how I was doing and all. I kept mum and ignored her for a good part of a year. Later I budged in and responded to her messages and started talking not regularly but once or twice a month. Then she came to India, we both met and at no point of time in our relation and till this date we were physically involved with each other. So recently her husband got hold of her WhatsApp chats in which  she expressed she didn't want to go back to US and how she loved me, she missed me and all, and all the chats that showed that we met each other. Now they are going back to US and the husband doesn't want to involve parents so right now divorce is not what they are seeing but might consider after few months depending on how things go. I am stuck here and not sure about her whereabouts and her situation. The feeling that this has happened because of me is killing me. If things go bad she might end up losing all her family and no one to care for her. Looking forward for your advice. Thanks a ton!!
Ans:

You’re having an affair with a married woman, but that’s on both of you, not just you. She should have stood up to her family instead of getting married against her will.

It’s a good thing there are no children in the picture yet, or the situation would get even messier.

Forget what her husband decides, why won’t she just decide what she wants to do with her life and leave him? What’s the point of her going back to the States?

She should start thinking for herself and do the needful before the situation goes from bad to worse.

If her family has any sense, they will accept her decision and stand by her. And if they don’t, well, she’s got you, hasn’t she? 

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Answered on May 13, 2022

Relationship
Dear Love Guru, First of all, I want to stay pretty anonymous. Secondly, it feels weird to discuss it with an unknown individual and never did I in my wildest dream thought that I would be seeking an advice. However, here I am...  The story starts when I met this individual in the UAE who is originally from UP, Saharanpur. This guy initially tried to get closer to me as much as he could and once he succeeded by becoming my close one, we just hit off pretty well. It went to point of engagement Roka. I wasn't there in India for Roka. It happened with him, his family and my parents. Everything was dreamy and nice until he started changing his behaviour towards my parents and then me, he was abusing me with money. He put me into credit card debts. I was feeling horrible. I started to revoke his access to my card, my everything, and I decided to call it a quit. In return when he understood that I am going to dump him he played his cards. As he couldn't find any cheating in my case when I was with him he decided to dig my past and started torturing me. He created a story to humiliate me at the work place and in front of people. He turned the tables by stating that I'm not dumping him rather he is. It was so heartbreaking for me. I left my job I left my life in the UAE all coz of this guy. And now after 2 months he is keeping an eye on me through to social media. Also he is trying to contact me by asking how I am. I don't understand what he wants and I am unable to recover.  Seeking your help.  Thanks. 
Ans:

Cut. Him. Off. Completely.

Block him on social media and on your cellphone. And your parents’ cellphones and their social media as well.

The guy is a con and you know it.

You should not have let his stupid rumours cost you your job and your life abroad. The truth of a situation always lets itself be known sooner or later and sometimes you have to brave it out.

I’m sorry to hear what you’ve been through, but you should freeze him out completely.

If you need to talk to someone about this at length, counselling may help.

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