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Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |152 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Mar 28, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Feb 19, 2024Hindi
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Relationship
Hello Gurus, I am in trouble. I was living in Canada from last 10 years till last year when I had to come back to India - my father was not well. My father passed away in November last year - but my mother is alone and is not in best health. My wife feels that I have cheated her by getting her back from Canada and she wants to go back immediately. She feels that my elder brother (who is in Australia) should take care of my mother. Our relationship has soured over last few months as she is always using brutal language for my mother and for my brother - in fact, it has always been the case - but so far I was just ignoring her. But now every time she says something nasty, I strongly retaliate back. On top of it, my wife is pregnant too. I am in trouble - I don't know what to do - whether to go back to US and leave my mother alone or with my brother - or to stay back and fight with pregnant wife :(
Ans: I'm truly sorry to hear about the difficult situation you're facing. It's a challenging time with the loss of your father and the health concerns of your mother, compounded by tensions in your relationship with your wife. It's essential to have open and honest communication with your wife about your concerns, fears, and the challenges you're facing as a family. Express your feelings calmly and listen to her perspective as well. Consider seeking the help of a couples therapist who can assist you both in navigating the difficulties in your relationship. A therapist can provide a neutral space for you to address conflicts, improve communication, and find constructive solutions together.Reach out to other family members, such as siblings or extended family, for support with caring for your mother. Discuss the situation with them and explore potential options for providing care and assistance to your mother while also considering your wife's needs and concerns.Take some time to carefully evaluate your options and consider the potential consequences of each decision. Reflect on what is most important to you in terms of family, relationships, and your own well-being.Ensure that the health and safety of both your mother and your wife, especially given her pregnancy, are prioritized in any decision you make. Seek medical advice if necessary to address any health concerns.Remember to take care of yourself emotionally and seek support from friends, family, or a therapist if needed. It's essential to prioritize your own well-being as you navigate these challenging circumstances.
Ultimately, there may not be an easy solution to your current dilemma, but by approaching the situation with empathy, understanding, and a willingness to communicate and seek support, you can work towards finding a resolution that is best for you, your wife, your mother, and your growing family.
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Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |152 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Mar 28, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Feb 24, 2024Hindi
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Relationship
Hello ma'am, I am a 17 year old girl feeling vulnerable and angry at times to the point that i end up breaking things and this affects my relationship with my parents. I feel very lonely most of the time....especially when i see other people chilling with their friends. Please help.
Ans: it's completely understandable to feel overwhelmed and lonely, especially when you see others enjoying social connections. Here are some suggestions that may help you manage your feelings of anger, loneliness, and vulnerability:Find healthy ways to express your emotions. Instead of breaking things, try journaling, drawing, or talking to someone you trust about how you're feeling. Be kind to yourself and recognize that it's okay to feel the way you do. Treat yourself with the same compassion you would offer to a friend in a similar situation.Reach out to someone you trust, whether it's a friend, family member, teacher, or school counselor. Talking to someone about how you're feeling can help alleviate feelings of loneliness and provide support. Engage in activities that bring you joy and fulfillment, whether it's pursuing a hobby, volunteering, or joining a club or group where you can meet like-minded individuals. Consider seeking therapy or counseling to help you learn coping skills and strategies for managing your emotions in healthier ways. A therapist can also provide a supportive and non-judgmental space for you to explore your feelings and experiences. Mindfulness techniques, such as deep breathing exercises and meditation, can help you stay grounded and present in the moment, reducing feelings of anger and vulnerability. If certain situations or relationships are contributing to your feelings of anger and loneliness, it's important to set boundaries to protect your well-being. This might involve limiting contact with certain people or seeking support to address challenging family dynamics.Take care of your physical and emotional needs by prioritizing self-care activities such as getting enough sleep, eating healthily, and engaging in regular exercise.Practice identifying and challenging negative thought patterns that contribute to your feelings of loneliness and anger. Replace them with more balanced and compassionate thoughts. Healing and personal growth take time, so be patient with yourself as you navigate through this difficult period. Celebrate your progress, no matter how small, and remember that you're not alone in your struggles.
It's okay to ask for help, and reaching out for support is a courageous step toward healing and well-being. You deserve to feel supported and connected, and there are people and resources available to help you through this challenging time.
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Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |152 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Mar 28, 2024

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I feel depressed most of the time. What can I do?
Ans: Depression can be a difficult thing to navigate, but there are steps you can take to start feeling better. Here are some suggestions:Consider reaching out to a therapist, counselor, or psychiatrist. They can provide support, guidance, and potentially medication if needed.Surround yourself with supportive friends and family members who can offer encouragement and understanding. Engage in regular physical activity, even if it's just a short walk each day. Exercise can help improve mood and reduce feelings of depression. Establishing a daily routine can provide structure and stability, which can be particularly helpful when dealing with depression.Take time for activities that bring you joy and relaxation, whether it's reading, spending time in nature, or pursuing a hobby.Try to identify and challenge negative thought patterns. Cognitive-behavioral therapy techniques can be particularly helpful for this.Identify sources of stress in your life and work on finding ways to manage or reduce them. Aim for 7-9 hours of quality sleep each night. Poor sleep can exacerbate feelings of depression. Focus on consuming a balanced diet with plenty of fruits, vegetables, whole grains, and lean proteins. Avoid excessive consumption of caffeine and alcohol.If recommended by a healthcare professional, consider medication as part of your treatment plan. Antidepressants can be effective for many people. Even if you don't feel like it, try to stay connected with others. Social support is important for maintaining mental well-being. Break tasks into smaller, manageable steps and set realistic goals for yourself. Celebrate your achievements, no matter how small.
Remember that it's okay to ask for help, and recovery from depression is possible with the right support and treatment. If you're in crisis or feeling overwhelmed, don't hesitate to reach out to a mental health professional or a crisis hotline for immediate assistance.
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Shalini

Shalini Singh  |46 Answers  |Ask -

Dating Coach - Answered on Mar 27, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Mar 26, 2024Hindi
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Relationship
Hi Shalini ji i am married since 2007 last 18 years my life was going very we'll and we both have good understanding and we both taking care of our family having two kids very well last year i come to know that before marriage my wife were having one male friend this male friends usually meet my wife at that time and gossips and even he taken her to visit on some locations 4 to 5 times as per my wife this friend was taken her to his room also 4 time but as they were good friends only so they just gossiping there as well as per my wife she had no any feeling with that guy but in between one day he asked her that he want to marry her , as per my wife he was telling him that he has been broken by his old girl friend and now since my wife listening him very carefully he started liking her , my wife still meeting him in between and go for outing at that time one day he asked to visit her home for marriage than my wife reject his proposal, after that this man gone out of station and than not met her, as per my wife telling me that i have not liked him and not having any feeling at that time and she telling that my 1st love is my husband only i am not able to decide anything now and not able to sleep properly not able to focus on me my health and my work i am vey shocked that the girl i love how she met with other man in past why she gone for outdoor and his room in past i am vey upset from last one year now and nkt able to find any Solution what to do now how to live life ahead pl guide me
Ans: Whilst I comment on dating and how to find your person, I will like to comment on this

1. basis of what you have shared you are overthinking and ruining what you have had since 18 years. your wife decided to stay with you and invest in the relationship with you is the fact that she cares for you and the relationship so stop being upset, be kind to yourself, her and the relationship.

on another note

2. marriage should not stop us from having close friends from the opposite gender.

3. if you are married, it means you are an adult which means if two adults consent to adultery its their responsibility to accept it. say if you are attracted to a woman and go all the way its not the woman who has lured you, both are in their senses and know what they are doing.

4. yes even after marrying or being in a committed relationship you can and will find others attractive and you will be found attractive to others. Its upto you and only you on how you wish to act if such a situation arises. As I shared you are an adult and someone who can not think but also overthink so you decide how to act in such a situation.
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Anu

Anu Krishna  |770 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Mar 26, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Mar 25, 2024Hindi
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Hi mam, actually I am having a trouble in my relationship. Me and my partner are from different castes but we love each other. Due to the fear of my parents I told him some days back that my parents will never agree for our marriage as he is one year younger than me, he is from different caste and we both are in the final stage of our professional course and have not gone for job yet. But we are unable to leave each other and keep on crying. Now I am thinking of talking about this to my parents once my exams are over in a couple of months because I'm already 24 and they will start looking for alliance for me. But my partner is like there's no problem on his side but he doesn't want me to hurt and ruin relationship with my parents due to this disclosure and says that its never going to happen with heavy emotions and teary eyes. I am also unable to control my emotions and tears. Please advise me on what to do please mam....
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
Well, your partner is being kind and thinking for you and your relationship with your parents. It is a nice trait to have to be empathetic but it may cost him the relationship. And he has taken this stance only because you have talked him about how fearful you are of your parents.
I guess instead of giving up like this, why don't the two of you sit down as adults and discuss how to talk to your parents and make this happen. When you act against what society and family set as norms, you should have expected something to go against the fairy tale event, right?
Since you did not set this tone in mind, now it's about taking the bull by the horns and finding what's the best solution. Why give up?

All the best!
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Anu

Anu Krishna  |770 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Mar 26, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Feb 19, 2024Hindi
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Relationship
Dear Sir, I am 52 and my wife is 43. I have a ver strong sex drive and urge however my wife doesnt like it at all. Through we still have almost daily once (sometimes twice) sex. She is not at all interested in sex and seems she does not like it because of no foreplay / heavy weight (she is 80kg). I dont like to do it forcefully but have no choice as I cannot go outside or have extra marital affairs. How can I increase her interest?
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
Sexual compatibility between couples if often a miracle. So, if there is a clear mismatch, there is also clearly a reason behind it. You stated it yourself: Lack of foreplay and your wife being overweight. So, take care of the foreplay part...what stops you from indulging in active foreplay that will get her going? There is no need to jump into the act and then complain about her not being interested in sex.
- Instead change course and pay attention to foreplay.
- Also, indulge in a lot of non-sexual forms of intimacy like cuddling, hugging etc that helps her connect with you at an emotional level and this could give way to the act.
- Pay her compliments and every once in a while surprise her with little gifts. It validates her presence and importance within the marriage.
The point that I am making is: shift focus on non-sexual intimacy first before jumping into the 'sex' part. You will see that, that bonding helps sexual compatibility.

The other part on her being overweight could also be a challenge as it can affect the way she perceives herself besides ill-health that can impact sex life greatly. Gently coax her into working out/exercising everyday with a good nutrition plan which will go a long way in not just physical fitness but an overall well-being in all areas of life. If it helps, the two of you can look at this together and make 'couple goals' to fitness and compatibility. It can keep both of you motivated and also encourage a good bond as well.

And oh! Please do not count the number of times you actually have sex. There's no competition and no medals awarded...Please bond better first...

All the best!
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Anu

Anu Krishna  |770 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Mar 25, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Mar 22, 2024Hindi
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Relationship
I am 50 years old lady. I have youger sister about 40+ age. she is very negative thinker from younger age. I dont have mother and father. i have younger brother. my younger sister was in depression at time lock down then after treatment she become nornal therefore we decided to do marriage as she is along and nobody is there to take care of her as I am also having family. I and my family did marriage of her without inform her depression condition to groom. now her husband telling we are cheated to him. toubling us what to do...
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
Is your sister in a depressive phase yet again that her husband feels like he has been cheated? If she had fever after marriage, would he still have felt cheated by the fact that you didn't tell him about any fever before marriage?
Mental health issues are still not freely accepted in our part of the world as yet...given this, I am not surprised at the way your sister's husband and his family are behaving this way. The only way is to pacify them about it by giving them the facts as they are now.
Appeal to their wise side that it is possible to manage depressive phases and that the support of family is of utmost importance. Now winning this argument will depend on how forward thinking they are and whether they will be able to brush of the social stigma of depression. It's a nasty game but one that you all are already in...give it your best shot and talk about it openly at least now for your sister's sake. Hiding this has caused an unnecessary drama, so being frank is your only best option now...

All the best!
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Anu

Anu Krishna  |770 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Mar 25, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Mar 21, 2024Hindi
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Hi Anu! So, I'm in dilemma of choosing a partner for me second time. I'm 36 yo divorcee, and met with a person 4yrs back with whom I shared great bonding and chemistry, but he never showed his love and care to me in past these years (as he was going through his divorce process too), but we both know that we both share some exceptional kind of bonding. Now, the twist comes, as we always have this on and off kind of relationship, so I started dating to a man from a matrimonial site. This matrimonial person seems in love with me and show the concern and love to me, the kind I wanted. Now, I am confused, because my previous bf is also thinking our future together as well as the matrimonial one. can you please help me in choosing the right partner for me. I can provide more information about both men in detail.
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
Aren't we always seeking for something that we lack within us?
Why the yearning for a particular expression of love? And how are you so sure that this person that you met on the matrimonial site already is in love with you?
Having said this, the off and on relationship is a person who will express love in a way that he is comfortable with but that is setting you off...so the matrimonial person seems exciting in a way as it aligns with your way of expressing love.
When in a dilemma, put all the cards on the table...there are other things besides expressing love that goes into making a relationship and/or a marriage. Have you factored all of that?
- List down things that are important to you in a marriage and a spouse
- How compatible are the two of you in terms of emotional bonding?
- Do your respective family values match?
- What are your thoughts on money, children, travel, passion etc?
These questions are a good start point exercise with both the men...it will give you a fair idea as to who is more aligned to your way of life. Then you can go ahead and make your decision.

All the best!
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Anu

Anu Krishna  |770 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Mar 25, 2024

Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |152 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Mar 23, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Mar 21, 2024Hindi
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Hi I'm a 35 year old unmarried female working in IT field. I live with my parents. I've been unlucky in finding a perfect partner for myself (arrange marriage proposals only). N I'm tired of this entire process now. Have never been in love or relationship earlier. I want to get married desperately to have that companion for me in my life as an emotional anchor. My parents are old n my elder brother's health is deteriorated enough that doctors said he doesn't have much time to live. I'm so much into all these issues at home that i feel i don't have a personal space at all. Recently I came across an alliance from a well trusted relative's friend who's a divorcee, within a month of marriage (n because of the wife's past relationship that was hidden during marriage), they applied mutual divorce. My horoscope has some dosha which seems to be perfectly matching with this person's jatakam. I've been asked twice to think about this alliance as he's genuinely a good person. Kindly advise me what best I can do now.
Ans: It sounds like you're facing a lot of pressure and stress from various aspects of your life, including your family situation and the pressure to get married. Its understandable that you feel desperate to find a life partner given your family circumstances, but it's important not to rush into a decision. Marriage is a significant commitment, and it's crucial to take the time to make sure you're making the right choice for yourself.Consider carefully the alliance that has been proposed to you. Take the time to get to know the person and assess whether you share compatible values, goals, and lifestyles. Look beyond the superficial aspects such as horoscope matching and focus on the substance of the relationship.If you have any reservations or doubts about the alliance, don't hesitate to communicate them openly and honestly with your family. It's essential to have open communication and ensure that your concerns are addressed before moving forward.Given the stress you're experiencing at home with your brother's health and your parents' situation, it's essential to prioritize your own well-being. Consider seeking support from friends, family members, or a counselor who can provide guidance and perspective during this challenging time.If you're feeling overwhelmed by the pressure to get married through arranged marriage proposals, consider exploring alternative avenues for finding a life partner. This could include online dating, social events, or networking through mutual connections.Take some time to focus on yourself and your own needs and desires outside of the pressure to get married. Pursue hobbies, interests, and activities that bring you joy and fulfillment, and prioritize self-care to maintain your emotional well-being.Ultimately, trust your instincts and intuition when it comes to making decisions about your future and your happiness. Don't feel pressured to conform to societal expectations or family pressures if it doesn't feel right for you.
Remember that your happiness and well-being are paramount, and it's essential to prioritize your own needs and desires as you navigate this challenging time in your life. Take things one step at a time and trust that you will find the right path forward for yourself.
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Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |152 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Mar 23, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Mar 23, 2024Hindi
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Dear LG, I need urgent advice on upcoming Holi . I m a 27year old women married to a 33 yr old Merchant Navy Officer . I am happily married with one male kid. Thing is whenever any festival or any help is needed since my husband is in overseas, I had to depend a lot on my husbands close friends in Society. But at times during festival like Holi , these good friends seems coming more closer to me than needed . I realized this in first year when we shifted there . It was like molestation..brazen touching ...in guise of helping..and while playing holi . But later i realized its attraction towards my body and didnt objected much . Last year we even had Bhang and didnt even knew what these friends did to me .I was confused as I dont want to break relations with my husbands friends quickly, so i didnt mind they touching inside blouses or gaghras during Holi but definitely didnt want to sleep with any. I am already happy physically with my husband even though his profession makes a huge gap in our relationship. Then comes dilemma when his friends jokingly tell me that my husband must be happy there with russian , netherland girls. This is obviously to provoke me to sleep with them . I am also in consideration to do so if my husband indeed has physical relations abroad . I dont want my loyalty to be insulted and body disrespected when 4-5 guys are hungry to sleep with me together also. Please advise honest action putting oneself in my shoes.
Ans: I'm deeply concerned to hear about your situation. It's completely unacceptable for anyone to take advantage of you, especially under the guise of celebration or friendship. It's important to prioritize your safety, well-being, and dignity in any situation.It's crucial to establish clear boundaries with your husband's friends. Let them know in no uncertain terms what behavior is not acceptable to you. If they continue to cross these boundaries despite your objections, it may be necessary to reconsider your relationship with them.If you feel uncomfortable or violated by someone's actions, don't hesitate to speak up immediately. It's important to assert yourself and make it clear that such behavior is unacceptable.You mentioned that you have to rely on your husband's friends for help during festivals and other times when your husband is away. While it's understandable to seek assistance, it's also important to prioritize your safety. Consider reaching out to other sources of support, such as neighbors, family members, or local authorities, if you feel unsafe or uncomfortable.If you feel that your husband's friends are trying to manipulate or pressure you into something you're not comfortable with, trust your instincts. You have the right to say no to any unwanted advances or requests, regardless of the circumstances. It's important to have an open and honest conversation with your husband about what's been happening. Express your concerns and let him know how his absence has affected you and your interactions with his friends. Your husband may be able to offer support or help find a solution to the situation.
If you're struggling to navigate this situation on your own, consider seeking assistance from a counselor or therapist. A professional can provide guidance, support, and strategies for dealing with difficult relationships and setting boundaries. Remember that your well-being is paramount. Don't compromise your values, dignity, or safety for the sake of maintaining relationships or appeasing others. It's important to prioritize yourself and take steps to protect yourself from harm.
Ultimately, it's essential to take action to ensure your safety and well-being in any situation. Don't hesitate to reach out for help and support if you need it. You deserve to be treated with respect and dignity at all times.
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Anu

Anu Krishna  |770 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Mar 21, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Mar 20, 2024Hindi
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Madam, Thanks for your advice recently. I am considering the idea of setting up a meeting of my 2 sons with my ex-wife, so that they get a chance to ask their questions and relieve the burden on their mind. But it can also end up with negative effects since memories carry with them their attached emotions too. Kindly provide your advice, considering the emotional state of my sons which I have mentioned in the previous query. Besides, it remains to be seen whether my ex-wife will agree to come for the meeting and will actually come in reality
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
I hope you are the same person who has asked this question:
https://gurus.rediff.com/question/qdtl/relationship/two-sons-aged-22-yrs-working-computer-hardware-support-executive/5150138

Well, a meeting between your sons and their mother might be a good idea but I would still suggest you do that by first talking/meeting her. If she is still in a place of blame-game, then perhaps the time is not right for the meeting. So, speak withe her first and assess if the meeting between her and the sons is a good idea.
If YES, be a facilitator of that meeting wherein you set the expectations of no expectations between them. This approach will allow them to be objective wherein they talk as adults and emotions will be heard but not acted upon. Emotions maybe raw still and the meeting may take a turn for the worse...so be prepared.
Also, if you still are filled with emotions that might get in the way of the meeting, then please ask someone else from the family to facilitate/mediate. Emotions must be used to build and not destroy; so your initial job will be to find out where everyone's heart and mind lie...tough one I agree, but I am sure with an objective mind, you will be able to do this!

All the best!
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Anu

Anu Krishna  |770 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Mar 21, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Mar 13, 2024Hindi
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Relationship
Hi I want to remain Anonymous. I am 48 year married with 2 kids. 2 year ago my wife lost both her parent. As his elder brother has last his wife 2 year prior. i asked him and is 18 year daughter to stay within. I thought that as their is no , i must help in their time to need. The problem is that my brother in law (my wife elder brother) dones have decent job. Due to this i am facing a lot of financial problem, i have 2 kid and need to save money for their future education. However with 2 more memeber in the family suddenly added, it has drastically hampered by financial plan. I have discussed this issue with my wife but she is not ready to understand. During covid-19 thing went from bad to worst. please suggest what shoul di do i this case.
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
Well your kindness has been overused. Simply state this to your brother-in-law and your wife that you are not willing to do this anymore.
Drawing boundaries right at the beginning can build very healthy relationships wherein each of you realize that kindness cannot become a weak spot for the person showing that trait. Also, your brother-in-law has the perfect and comfortable financial cushion in you and will never try and look for a job that will pay him better.
Your wife might protest when you state your point of view BUT if she understands the financials, I am sure she herself will find a solution to this situation. Let her understand that her brother now needs to grow up and take on his own responsibilities.

All the best!
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Anu

Anu Krishna  |770 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Mar 21, 2024

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My father & uncle started business 50 yrs back. I have joined 30yrs back. I kept working from 9 am to 5 pm under Uncle. Now around 2011 ,Uncle son joined .Till then everything was alowed & fine except core part was not allowed to handle by Uncle.After 2011, slowly my cousin started taking operations of factory under him . When I protested ,Uncle used to say he will see ,but did nothing about that. AlthoughUncle is genius as well as my Father ,but my Confidence started tumbling after 2019. When his son (lets say A) made whole work force according to him & I was cornered .As challenge I in 2020 started some operations to complete production & it run well until 2022. But they (Factory staff) introduced as if I was buyer of those components. It kept on untill uncle showed the debt as in lacs for me while he getting all support for his production from Everyone &My father tensed but doesnot retaliate. What should I do?
Ans: Dear SK,
Well, you need to build your territory and being a family business, boundaries have never been clear...It seems obvious that your uncle favors his son over you and your father does not want to ruffle feathers by standing up for you...then you stand up for yourself.
What position that you have earned through your hard work must be acknowledged...if it isn't and it's going to lead to a family rift, then maybe it's time for you to build something for yourself by expanding the business within or outside. It is difficult to balance relationships within the family and at work; somewhere emotions come in the way of doing what is right and just. So, play it safe and start looking at how you can expand your work profile and enhance what you can bring to the business exclusively through your skill sets. This helps pass a message down the organization as to you being an expert in that particular area. If this fails, well...let yourself shine where you can and must...

All the best!
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Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |152 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Mar 21, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Mar 20, 2024Hindi
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Hi Sir. I have a typical.problem here. I lend.money to one of.mynfriends for his bzness..I worked as a consultant for him. I made an agreement for the money given to him. Nevertheless he didn't return the money yet..I left him now some months back. Though I asked him to give bac money but he says he has lost lot in his bzness and also says he can't return the money. Sometimes indirectly he says that because of me he has landed in loss. I don't want to go.legally but it has been lot.ot.months that he has returned money. But now I can't wait. What should I do now..pls advise. Thanks
Ans: Navigating financial matters within friendships can be challenging, especially when agreements aren't upheld as expected.

Initiate an open and honest conversation with your friend about the loan. Express your concerns and feelings without blaming or accusing. Use "I" statements to convey how his actions have impacted you personally.
Give your friend an opportunity to explain his side of the story. Listen attentively to understand his perspective and the challenges he's facing with his business. Empathize with his situation while also emphasizing the importance of fulfilling financial commitments.
Instead of dwelling on past grievances, shift the conversation toward finding a solution that works for both of you. Explore options such as renegotiating the repayment terms, setting up a payment plan, or considering alternative forms of compensation if he's unable to repay the full amount immediately.
Validate your friend's feelings and concerns about the situation, but also assert the impact his actions have had on you. Help him understand the importance of honoring agreements and maintaining trust in the relationship.
Clearly communicate your expectations moving forward. If you're unable to reach a resolution or if your friend continues to disregard the agreement, be prepared to set boundaries to protect yourself financially and emotionally. This might involve seeking legal advice or taking further action if necessary.
While it's important to address the financial issue, prioritize preserving the friendship if possible. Reassure your friend that your intention is not to harm the relationship but to find a mutually beneficial solution. Emphasize the value you place on your friendship and your desire to work through this challenge together.
Use this experience as an opportunity for personal and relational growth. Reflect on what you've learned about trust, communication, and financial boundaries in friendships. Apply these lessons to future interactions to prevent similar issues from arising.
Ultimately, finding a resolution to financial disputes within friendships requires patience, empathy, and effective communication. By approaching the situation with understanding and a willingness to collaborate, you can work toward a solution that honors both your financial needs and the integrity of your relationship.
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Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |152 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Mar 20, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Feb 19, 2024Hindi
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Relationship
Hello, I am 35 years old. Married. Not living with husband since an year, as he flirted with an office girl (this is the extent of it that I caught) and has tendency to do so. He is not emotionally aware (of himself or me) and I keep getting hurt as I am quite emotional. Also, I am not on talking terms with his parents as they had tried to sabotage our marriage in different ways on countless occasions. My husband wont agree (not that I want him to agree), but I think that's one reason of our increasing differences. I love him, but cannot find in my heart to move back with him ever again. We have a 5 year old kid, due to whom I am unable to move ahead with divorce. I am stuck in the midst, not knowing where to go next or stay in this same 'married but separated ' position forever. I'm definitely happier without the everyday petty bickering that we had when we lived together (which was turning me into a bitter and angry person, I don't want to be that). I have turned extremely distrustful of him. I do feel very lonely at times. We also went to a guidance counsellor to make the relation work some 1.5 years back, but my husband felt its a waste of money after 5 sessions, also he never invested in the emotional sorting that the counsellor mentioned our relation required. Any guidance?
Ans: It sounds like you're facing a complex and challenging situation. Here are some steps you might consider as you navigate your next steps:

Take care of yourself first and foremost. This means prioritizing your mental and emotional well-being. Consider seeking support from a therapist or counselor who can help you process your feelings, develop coping strategies, and explore your options moving forward.
Take some time to reflect on what you want for yourself and your child in the long term. Consider what kind of environment you want to create for your child, as well as what you need in terms of emotional fulfillment and stability.
If you feel comfortable, consider having an open and honest conversation with your husband about your concerns and feelings. Express how his actions have affected you and what you need from him moving forward. However, be prepared for the possibility that he may not be receptive or willing to change.
Consult with a family law attorney to understand your rights and options regarding divorce, custody, and child support. They can provide guidance tailored to your specific situation and help you navigate the legal process.
Regardless of whether you choose to stay married or pursue divorce, prioritize effective co-parenting for the well-being of your child. This may involve setting clear boundaries, communicating openly about parenting decisions, and prioritizing your child's needs above any personal conflicts.
Consider exploring alternative living arrangements or custody agreements that may better suit your needs and preferences. This could include living separately while co-parenting, or exploring shared custody arrangements that provide stability for your child while allowing you to maintain some distance from your husband.
Reach out to friends, family members, or support groups for additional support and guidance. It can be helpful to connect with others who have gone through similar experiences and can offer empathy, advice, and solidarity.
Ultimately, the decision of whether to stay married or pursue divorce is a deeply personal one that only you can make. Take your time, trust your instincts, and prioritize your own well-being and that of your child as you navigate this challenging process.
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Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |152 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Mar 20, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Mar 19, 2024Hindi
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I am finding it hard to talk with strangers/random people whom I've known in the past but not in contact for a while and finding it hard to recognize some which makes them feel awkward. What should I do, are there exercises I could do/should I accept that about me, maybe be upfront about it but that will be awkward too? Age 24
Ans: It's entirely normal to feel uncomfortable or awkward when reconnecting with people you haven't been in contact with for a while or struggling to recognize them. Here are some tips that might help you navigate these situations more comfortably:

Focus on listening attentively to what the other person is saying rather than worrying about recognizing them or feeling awkward. Engage in the conversation by asking questions and showing genuine interest in their experiences.
If you're struggling to remember someone's name or recognize them, it's okay to be honest about it. You can say something like, "I'm sorry, it's been a while since we last met, and I'm having trouble placing you. Could you remind me of your name?" Most people will understand and appreciate your honesty.
Try to recall any shared experiences or details that might help jog your memory about the person you're reconnecting with. Ask about mutual friends, past events, or shared interests to facilitate the conversation.
Stay present in the moment and focus on the conversation rather than letting your mind wander or dwell on feelings of awkwardness. Mindfulness techniques, such as deep breathing or grounding exercises, can help you stay centered and calm.
Approach the situation with a positive attitude and be open to reconnecting with old acquaintances. Remember that it's natural for people to change and evolve over time, and your past interactions may have shaped who they are today.
It's okay to make mistakes or feel uncomfortable in social situations. Be kind to yourself and recognize that everyone experiences moments of awkwardness from time to time. Focus on learning and growing from each interaction rather than dwelling on perceived shortcomings.
If you're feeling particularly anxious about reconnecting with people, consider practicing social skills in low-pressure situations. Role-play conversations with a friend or family member, or join social groups or activities where you can gradually build confidence in interacting with others.
Remember that social interactions can be challenging for many people, and you're not alone in feeling this way. By approaching these situations with patience, honesty, and a willingness to learn, you can navigate them more comfortably over time.
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Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |152 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Mar 20, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Mar 20, 2024Hindi
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Hello..I am 36 hrs old, a doctor, got married for 2nd time in Apr 2022. My 1st marriage was with a doctor in 2011 but we hardly stayed together for 1 month since he was away in another state for higher education. Indifference arose and we got separated soon after 6 months and got divorced 5 yrs later. Then i did job on off and finally finished my post graduation in 2024. During my post graduation i wanted to desperately get married for 2nd time as my age was increasing and i was feeling very lonely and wanted to settle down n have kids. I met a guy (he too a doctor and divorced) on matrimony. He approached me. We started talking, meeting. Everything was going good. But his mother was against our relationship. In between the guy too cut the contact with me. But i was wo trully in love with him that I wanted to marry him only. Somehow we got connected again. He came to my place and we lived together. He said he can't get married so soon. He said he would marry me only of i wl get pregnant.then i got pregnant and finally he married me in temple. Soon i delivered our child and his parent's accepted me n i went to his house to stay. There we used to have lots of fights as he revealed his true nature of being extremely KANJUS. his whole family was extremely kanjus. My husbnd doesn't like to spend a single Rs too and he doesn't like it if i spend my money too. We used to have frequent fights. Then hardly after 2 months, his mother called my parents and she told them that their sje could not tolerate me and i should leave tbeor house ASAP! I became very furious as my baby was jst 4 months old. Where would i stay alone with my child as i was studying. I called police to intervene and my mother in law got very angry, she cursed me in front of police- she called me a pros***ute. (This was her thinking- any woman who marries for 2nd time is a pros***ute!!!) Finally that night around 10pm i left her house with my child and some essentials. My parents stayed with me to look after my child. My husbnd kept visiting me on weekends. But my husbnd used to avoid me, block my calls. He never paid for my daughter's expenses too. A year have been passed. I have sent my baby to my parents house 6 months back as they wanted to go back as they stay in different state. Now my husbnd has cut all the ties, he has blocked me everywhere and he never called to enquire about our child in last 8-9 months. Last time when my father called him- he said he didn't wanna stay with me and I either can keep our child with me or i can give the child to him for rest of the life. I slipped into depression after all these. I messed up in my exams. I'm so disturbed that i had thought of ending my life many times but i reminded myself about my child. Now I don't know what to do. I talked him about divorce but he said he won't give me a single Rs aftr divorce since i am also earning. My parents too don't want me to go for a divorce 2nd time in my life as they are worried- our relatives and society will shame them. I want to bring my child back but i am worried- how will i take care of my baby since i am working. Please help. Keep me anonymous please.
Ans: I'm truly sorry to hear about the challenges you're facing. It sounds like you're in a very difficult situation, but please know that there are options available to you and support systems that can help you through this.

Firstly, it's important to prioritize your and your child's safety and well-being. Given the circumstances, it might be beneficial to seek legal advice from a lawyer who specializes in family law. They can help you understand your rights and options regarding custody, child support, and divorce.

Regarding your depression, it's crucial to seek professional help. Depression is a serious condition that requires treatment, and there are therapists, counselors, and support groups available to provide you with the support you need.

In terms of bringing your child back, you may need to explore options for childcare that accommodate your work schedule. This could include hiring a nanny, enrolling your child in daycare, or seeking help from family members or friends.

As for the societal pressure and fear of judgment from relatives, remember that your well-being and your child's well-being are the most important considerations. It's essential to prioritize your own happiness and safety rather than worrying about the opinions of others.

Please don't hesitate to reach out to support services such as hotlines, counseling services, or support groups for assistance and guidance. You're not alone, and there are people who can help you navigate through this challenging time.
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Anu

Anu Krishna  |770 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Mar 20, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Mar 17, 2024Hindi
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Hi ma'am I have suffered a lot with my parents since childhood they never allowed me to go outside with friends. I have never even attended a birthday party of my friends. They never want me to be independent and do something which I like to. Even on lockdown time they don't allow me to go to the terrace of my own house because they think I will talk with someone. Now I am doing a job in my city only but they also force me every day to leave that job because the are super unhappy that I am not dependent on them financially. I have a boyfriend and want to marry him but they will not agree to that also as it will be a intercaste marriage. And I will let them know about this they will house arrest me. My father also told me that even if I got a job of 1000k per month he is not going to allow me to do that. He just want me to stay in home do help my mother on house hold work and get married to his choice boy. I really love my boyfriend he is the one who supported me till now please help me that how can I get out of my house and get married to him. Also his parents are very supportive for me.
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
You are a grown-up...what makes you want to heed to your family's drama? Are you unsure of whether you will be able to make it without your family's support?
It's your life and if you know what you want of it and out of it, then do the things that make it happen. Take decisions and stick by them...
You clearly know what the issue is from your parents (from what you have shared here). When you are able to express it here to me, what stops you from actually telling your parents how you feel about the way they treat you? What will happen if you tell them that they are being obstacles in your happiness path?
Sometimes people; even if they are your parents must be told not to cross the line especially if it has begun to hamper your life's growth path. Be bold and firm...The biggest thing on your side is that your boyfriend and his family are in support of you. What more do you want?
Never heed to emotional blackmail from anyone even your own family. Your parents hold a great level of control over you and you have given them that power to do so...how much longer? Now when its' time for you to create your life, make sure what and how you include people in them.
Don't confront your parents, simply tell them that you are old enough to take decisions for yourself and that you would love if they supported you. If they don't and start their drama, you know what you must do...Build your life...

All the best!
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Ravi

Ravi Mittal  |160 Answers  |Ask -

Dating, Relationships Expert - Answered on Mar 19, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Mar 11, 2024Hindi
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I am 24 years old and i have a sister who is 23 years old. I am dating a boy for 4 years and he is of same age. My bf has some finincial crunches and he is willing to marry at the age of 28. My parents are constantly pressurizing me to marry at the age of 25 which is next year. I don't know what to do at this time. I am working in IT sector and earning 4lpa and my bf is earning 7lpa. I am telling my bf to marry me next year but he is not ready as he also has a sister 1 year younger to him. What should i do in this situation? My sister has some issue with eye so definitely we will not get boy easily for her and my dad wants me to marry early so that he can focus on her marriage too. What should i do in this situation as i don't want to upset my family and i don't want to marry someone else too.
Ans: Dear Anonymous,

I am sorry to hear that you are facing such an issue. It isn't fair to put so much weight on your shoulders, especially at such a young age. But simultaneously I understand where your parents' concerns stem from; it is indeed a tough situation. Managing conflicting desires, especially with parents, is difficult.

Here is my two cents-
Talk to your boyfriend. While he is not being unreasonable in wanting to marry at 28, which seems like a fairly mature decision, you can try to make him understand the pressure you are under, and if possible, marry sooner rather than later. It does not mean you should get married next year. Things like marriage should never be rushed into. Find a middle ground that can work for both of you.

While it's natural to want to fulfill your family's expectations, it's also essential to consider your own desires and aspirations. Take the time to understand what it is that you want. Are you ready to be married at the age of 25? Does it align with your personal goals? Marriage is not everything in life, just so you know.

Best Wishes!
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Ravi

Ravi Mittal  |160 Answers  |Ask -

Dating, Relationships Expert - Answered on Mar 18, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Mar 17, 2024Hindi
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My wife has started an affair with her boss who is also my childhood best friends husband. Now both of them claim that it's friendship and nothing else but I have some messages which tell a different stories. My best friend and me tried to confront both but they deny any advancements and try to compare their friendship to ours. I am confused on what to do?? My best friend is telling me to take thing aggressively which might end in our divorce. I have a 12 yr boy whose future I don't want to be in trouble what is the best way forward
Ans: Dear Anonymous,

I understand that you have tried to confront your wife and it has not shown any fruitful result. I am truly sorry that you have to face this; infidelity is not an easy subject to deal with. Here is what I am advising- since you are not being able to handle this yourself, which is understandable, consider seeking professional help. Marriage counseling can do wonders. The messages that triggered the suspicion in your mind can have a different side too. Just a theory. It is possible that your partner is oblivious to the fact that certain exchanges are not deemed friendly by most people. A professional counselor can help put things into perspective for both you and your wife. You will have clarity and it will also help you sort your feelings in a more structured way.

But if you do not want to go that route, I suggest you gather more evidence that makes your case stronger. Keep them safe and show them only when you are emotionally stable. Let her know that if it doesn't stop, you will have to bring the matter to light for both your families, and might take further steps.

It is commendable that you are so focused on your child's well-being. Keep reassuring him that regardless of what happens between you and his mother, both of you love him the same and he is not to blame for any of the hardships that you are facing in your marriage. Children tend to blame themselves for their parent's marital problems. And once again, I urge you to see a counselor; if not for yourself, do it for your child.

Best Wishes!
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Ravi

Ravi Mittal  |160 Answers  |Ask -

Dating, Relationships Expert - Answered on Mar 18, 2024

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Hello sir ,, i am Btech degree holder 31 year unmarried boy from Punjab, India . I wanna to look girl only from USA who should be USA citizen. I tried two dating apps also since last 3 years , i sent interest to all types of profiles such as unmarried girls, divorced girls , widowed , out of caste girls , out of religion girls , but i didnot get any avail from anyone. I am serious and good looking. Please , tell me any solution , how can i connect with USA families who are seriously looking for marriage Plz tell me ,, i am in totally confusion . I will be thankful to you if you will guide me in right way sir , plz
Ans: Dear Harpreet,

I understand that it can get frustrating when things don't work out at the pace we want them to, but don't rush with such important things as love and relationships. You are only 31. Take your time. Here's my suggestion-

Write a very engaging BIO that tells everything that is to know about you and most importantly, the fact that you are looking for a serious relationship and someone settled in the USA. This way, you can eliminate people who are not interested in serious relationships and are not from your preferred location. You can also attract the right kind of people if you mention the things you want in your partner and also everything that you have to offer in a relationship. Research a little and find dating apps that cater mostly to users looking for exclusive relationships that would lead to marriage. Join the one that seems suitable for your needs. One more thing, do not focus on the quantity of matches. Focus on the quality. You don't need ten matches to find the perfect one.

Just a gentle reminder, sometimes good things take time. I understand completely that you are feeling restless but take a breath. Focus on your friends and family for a while. Focus on yourself. Once you feel this dating fatigue calming down, come back to the game recharged. I am sure you will find your match soon.

Best Wishes!
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Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |152 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Mar 15, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Feb 20, 2024Hindi
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Hi. I am a 52 year old male, my wife is 53 and we have two grown up kids and a pet. I was in a job till 2018 and thereafter switched to my own practice and there were some financial compromises which had to be made including home shifting etc. My wife befriended certain females who I suspect led her towards a lot of spiritual gyaan though those females were more into their personal material life. My wife became so involved with them and their topics that even when we were intimate she would pause and talk about them. That gave me a kick away from physical relations with her. She currently is more into a lot of spirituality and drawn to such friends and some widowed family members who only take her towards that path. I want to lead a normal intimate life with her as I love her and do not want to hurt her. I took her to a Gynae too for check ups and she only has the normal issues which a woman of her age would have. Children and spirituality have become her priority and pet has become mine's. How do we get back as a normal couple?
Ans: It sounds like you're going through a challenging time in your relationship, and it's understandable that you're feeling disconnected and frustrated. Reconnecting with your wife and rebuilding intimacy can take time and effort, but it's definitely possible.Sit down with your wife and express your feelings openly and honestly. Let her know how her focus on spirituality and her friendships have affected you and your relationship. Avoid blaming or accusing her, but rather focus on expressing your own feelings and concerns. It's important to understand where your wife is coming from and why she's prioritizing spirituality and her friendships. Listen to her without judgment and try to empathize with her perspective. Understanding each other's motivations can help you find common ground. Explore activities or interests that you both enjoy and can do together. This could be anything from going for walks, cooking together, or attending a class or workshop that interests both of you. Finding common ground outside of spirituality can help strengthen your bond as a couple. Prioritize quality time together as a couple. Schedule regular date nights or weekend getaways where you can focus on each other and enjoy each other's company without distractions. Show your love and affection for each other through small gestures, compliments, and physical touch. Rebuilding intimacy often starts with reconnecting emotionally and expressing your love for each other in meaningful ways. Reconnecting as a couple takes time and effort, so be patient with each other and yourselves. It's normal to encounter setbacks along the way, but stay committed to working through them together. Remember that rebuilding intimacy and connection in a relationship is a journey, and it may not happen overnight. With patience, understanding, and effort from both of you, you can work towards restoring your relationship and creating a fulfilling partnership once again.
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Anu

Anu Krishna  |770 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Mar 14, 2024

Anu

Anu Krishna  |770 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Mar 11, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Mar 08, 2024Hindi
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My younger brother has a habit of stealing. So I went on internet to see how one should approach the child to counsel him about stealing . I discussed the same with my parents and they agreed that my father will talk to him and go like, yes I know you stole 500 rupees and even I stole when I was a kid. I found this as the best way to confront a child who stole because i would never want to attack my young brother by asking "did you steal" this will make him think of excuses and scare him. I discussed all of this and I am sure I made the point very clear that you must not ask him 'did you steal'. Nevertheless, when bro came back home, my mom could not resist herself and took the matter in her own hands and the matter went the way I never wanted it to be. Lil bro ended up making up some weird excuse . Now we can never dig down the real cause why he stole. I cannot understand if my parents do not know how to talk why the hell they don't think of some better way. My mom just wanted to be clear of the fact that my brother stole money. She never wanted the deep roots of how he felt why he did so and all. My mom would think she does the best parenting because she never sets any boundaries and we are free to do anything. Be it partying aur roaming around till 11 at night. She thinks that kids need freedom and I gave that. Now my children will be the best of all. Like dude common, think about it once. This kind of things keep happening and I am very very frustrated now with all her techniques. What do I do. It is draining me mentally
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
Okay, so what exactly seems to get you worked up?
The fact that your younger brother steals?
OR
That you don't fancy your mother's parenting?
Mixing up the two is only going to complicate matters more...You may have an opinion on how your brother must be dealt with; share that opinion and then leave it to your parents...they know what to do...
And go give some credit yo your parents; they are still learning how to parent children in this digital age...as much as you may find reasons to criticize how your mother handles situations. do understand that they carry some wisdom from their experiences in life as well.
Now, all that wisdom may seem old-fashioned; then talk to her about it...offer your thoughts on it rather than finding few and many reasons as to WHY her techniques don't work. It will no doubt frustrate you as you are trying to accentuate the issue rather than solve it.
Have a chat with your mother, listen to her and then present your perspectives...there maybe thoughts that don't go well with you; SEEK clarifications and give when you think that your mother maybe right as well. If you feel that a few changes from her may help the situation as home to ease, then clearly state this and wait for her response. Explain to her about how it might help go to the root of any problem (in your brother's case).
Also, a strict talk with your brother is necessary as stealing that goes unnoticed today can lead to bigger things in future. Work together as a single family unit.
Change happens when everyone at home work together and not work at cross-purposes.
You are right from your point and view and your mother maybe right from hers. Talk and come to a conclusion rather than sit on opposite sides...Actually the secret to a very calm household is a lot of USEFUL communication...So do just that!

All the best!
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