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Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |10 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Mar 23, 2023

Relationship
I am in toxcis relationship how to get uot
Ans: Dear Jyoti,

I know it's a hard to break relationship where you have invested so much, and deciding to leave the toxicity is the first step that you have already taken and should be proud of.


Cut Off Contact

It will be crucial for you to cut off contact with your ex once the relationship has ended. Keeping in contact with your ex opens the door to getting back together. Toxic people can be emotionally manipulative and may use emotional blackmail to lure you back in. When you decide to leave your partner, end any form of communication with them unless you share children and need to co-parent. If this is the case, only communicate about the children.

Unfollow Them on Social Media

Seeing your ex across social media will keep the memory of the relationship fresh, so it’s crucial that you block them on your phone and find ways to avoid running into them in person. These actions will set a clear boundary that the toxic relationship is over, and help you stop thinking about them altogether.



Know That You Deserve Better

Months or years of being verbally abused or told you will never find anyone better can wear a person down, and you might start to believe it. But this is not true. Tearing down self-esteem and self-worth is the technique toxic partners use to keep their partner trapped in the relationship. Let “I deserve better!” become your daily mantra, by replacing negative beliefs about your self-worth with positive, affirming ones. You need to move forward for your own mental and emotional well-being.

Seek Professional Help From a Therapist

Depending on the level of seriousness, leaving a toxic relationship can require help in creating a game plan. Confiding in friends and family or finding a therapist ;to speak with can be helpful as well. A good therapist can help you cope, rebuild your sense of self-worth, and address any safety issues. A therapist can be an unbiased resource to guide you and hold you accountable for creating goals and sticking to them.

Build a safety net: If you're thinking of calling it quits, make a plan for how you are going to deal with the transition. Where will you stay? What possessions will you need to bring along? Don’t do this haphazardly. This process should be well thought out.

Set a goal to be independent: If you do not have a career or a way to support yourself, it is time to begin carving this path. Go to school, get training, begin a job (even a low-level or part-time job). Your financial independence is one of the main roads to freedom.

No more secrets. Confide in a family member or friend so that they can help you with the process. If you feel threatened, inform the local authorities that you are going to need help.




Being part of a toxic relationship is extremely detrimental to your self-esteem and mental health. It may take some time before you are ready to be part of another relationship. Don’t rush this. Take time for yourself. To help yourself recover, make time for hobbies. Start working on a pet project or your own business. Take that trip you've always wanted to go on.



Take care of yourself: Getting out of a toxic relationship can be emotionally draining. Take care of yourself by practicing self-care, such as exercise, healthy eating, and getting enough rest. Seek therapy if necessary to work through any emotional trauma from the relationship.

Remember, ending a toxic relationship takes courage, but it's a necessary step towards a happier and healthier life. It's important to recognize your self-worth and prioritize your well-being
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Anu

Anu Krishna  |336 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Mar 23, 2023

Asked by Anonymous - Mar 19, 2023
Relationship
Madam, I am 61 years old , retired from Govt service an year ago. I have a problem in my family. Though my wife is a post graduate, she refused to take up any Job and wants all others including her in laws to give her money eternally. Misbehaved with my parents & sent them out of our house for their supposed conservative style and refused to allow my sisters family on a visit and quarreled with me on this ground time & again. She quarrels with me on silly issues loudly infront of kids. She reflects her mother`s attitude in dealing with my parents & relatives. Later She re-started her love affair with her ex lover . Fed up with quarrels at home and keep her away from unwarranted affairs, I decided to go abroad and took her also with me with our 2 daughters. There again, she started another illicit affair with my classmate cum colleague (whom i knew for 2 decades and i treated like a brother and was already married with kids). After 18 months of secret affair , behind me, they finally disclosed and wanted to elope leaving their families behind. Stunned by their ghastly betrayal , I sent my family back to India and also reported the matter to boss, who repatriated that Traitor back. I had to forgive my wife for sake of my Daughters who were aged 12 yrs and 9 yrs then. I am unable to come to terms with their ghastly actions though 2 decades have since passed. We sleep in separate rooms and I have no physical relation with her, ever since as our marriage is over for all purposes. I believe that mutual Trust & respect are the foundations of any marriage. Both are lost in our case. Now my daughters aged 31, 29 are Post graduates but are sitting idle at home wasting time in TV and refuse to do any job as their mother keeps telling them why should women work ?. They refuse to receive any external counselling nor willing to get married nor take up a job nor pursue any studies. They are financially dependent on me. I am now retired and live on Govt Pension. They refuse to understand the reality around them. They have no friend either in Relatives or in their college circles. What to do with their Intransigence? .
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
At 61, you look back and reflect; what choices have you made that has led you to be where you are right now?
Have those choices robbed you of your peace of mind and a better life?
If Yes, it still isn't late to rework and revisit those choices and make better ones.

But for that, this obsession with their ghastly affair must end. The more you are focused on the past, it becomes difficult to create anything beautiful for today and tomorrow. Yes, you felt hurt and were in pain, but to continue to feel the pain is a choice and that is only going to make you more bitter. Consider what is happening with your marriage; you might have to accept that this is the way it will be. If you are not happy with this, then think of what you want to do about it.

It's a good thing that you have begun to focus on your children. They seem to be in need of focus and direction. Since they are adults, it's time you gave them an ultimatum to find a job and move out of home. It sounds cruel, but at times, as a parent you need to do the right thing for your children. So, act NOW and without hesitation.
As for you, as you decide what you want to do with your marriage, involve yourself in social circles and hobbies, travel etc. It will give you a distraction and also a way to calm your mind to take decisions.

All the best!
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Anu

Anu Krishna  |336 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Mar 17, 2023

Relationship
Hi I am 38 year married woman with one 12yr boy and living in joint family. I am doing everything very honestly and sincerely as a lady does as housewife but I never got love, respect as wife from my husband and few years after our marriage I had seen changes in his behavior and day by day he is getting very rude towards me. So I decided to enquire the reason behind these and came to know that he is having affairs with someone whom he is treating as his wife and giving everything to her as his wife and also wants to marry her. I told these to our parents and after talking with him he assured of not continuing the affair. But after that incident I had not seen any change in his behavior and still acting in the same way. I told these to my parents but because of some compulsion I decided to accept it and continue it the way as it is but these is very difficult for me to accept these and continue these relationship. In my schooldays I likes a boy, we love each other but after my marriage we had never been in contact with each other and he also not contacted me respecting my decision.But after these incident I contacted him to know how he is and came to know that he is still unmarried and waiting for me and I told him about my married life.As he loves me very much and still wants me as his wife and told me that he will accept me as I am. As I also loves him a lot and after knowing that he is still waiting for me its become very difficult for me live without him . I remain honest in my married life but after these incident I dont want to live here and also unable to leave because of family condition and also because of the society we lived in but now its became very difficult for me to continue these married life. We shares everything with each other . He respects me and my feelings and loves me a lot and I feel that he is always there for me and will support me in all respect. Kindly guide me what shall I do.
Ans: Dear P.
Never use a current situation to justify a new relationship. You are simply using the new relationship as a distraction from the old unsuccessful one.
Any reason why you had decided to accept your husband's affair?

You have not moved past your marriage to be able to handle another relationship. First things first...
1. What happens to your son in this confusion?
2. Have you decided to separate/divorce your husband before pursuing the new person?
3. Is the new person willing to accept your son and understand that he is a part of all this?
4. Are you living some unfulfilled dream with this man from your past?
5. Are you running away from the pain of your marriage and seeking solace in the new person?

Kindly answer these questions before you jump from one relationship to another. It will save you a lot of heartache and trouble.
Relationships are not something to be used to escape from and into BUT something to be grown into and grown from.

All the best!
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Anu

Anu Krishna  |336 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Mar 17, 2023

Asked by Anonymous - Mar 16, 2023
Relationship
Dear Maam, I am a 45 year old married woman. (Married for last 10 years). We do not have any children as yet. My husband was employed at the time of marriage, however, he quit his job within a couple of months of marriage and has remained unemployed since then. His mother, my MIL happily supports him in this matter and keeps treating him like a 10 year old boy. Since my husband has no source of income, he keeps festering me for money to buy all sorts of things and becomes irritated and angry and doesn't speak to me for days when I refuse to give him any money. We do not have a single joint bank account and I am afraid to share my bank account details with him as he will insist on the Debit Card and spend all my hard earned money. I have tried speaking to him about his employment status and have told him clearly that amount of salary is not important, but instead he should be gainfully occupied instead of watching movies with his parents all day long. Another irritating habit of his is to watch his car five - six times a day. People taunt him for his joblessness and his obsession over his car. (Maintenance money is also paid by me). His parents are 100% in his favor and told me many times that they have raised their boy nicely and that I shouldn't tell him how to live. I don't remember the last time I have been physical with him. Must have been 5-6 years back atleast. I am fed up completely and dont know how to put some sense in him.
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
You have married a man who refuses to grow up. And to top it all, his parents get a kick out of him behaving like a child. Maybe it eases their guilt of being better parents to him than they were when he was much younger. Whatever it is, please think for yourself if you want to raise a child instead of living with a man who is your husband. He shows no signs of wanting to take responsibility and be an adult here.
So, what exactly are you supporting this man for?
Why are you allowing him to live off your money?
What makes you reinforce his tantrums by being a child?
What more needs to happen for you to see that your marriage is in shambles?

Either take him to a professional who can help him sort out his challenges OR if that does not work, think about your life and make solid decisions in your favor.
You are financially independent and even after 10 years of marriage, if you are still squabbling over a husband who is a child, you know how you can lead a better life.
So, try talking him into going to see a professional first...

All the best!
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Dr Ashish

Dr Ashish Sehgal  |33 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Mar 17, 2023

Relationship
how to tackle menopause related anxiety and behaviour related issues of 44 years old childless lady
Ans: Menopause can be a challenging time for many women, as it can bring about various physical and emotional changes. Anxiety and behavior-related issues are not uncommon during this time. Here are some ways to tackle these issues:

Seek professional help: It's important to seek help from a healthcare professional who can help you understand your symptoms and provide appropriate treatment. A doctor or therapist may recommend hormone therapy, cognitive-behavioral therapy, or other forms of treatment to help manage anxiety and behavior-related issues.

Exercise: Regular exercise can help reduce anxiety and improve mood. It also promotes better sleep, which can be challenging during menopause.

Practice relaxation techniques: Deep breathing, meditation, yoga, and other relaxation techniques can help reduce anxiety and promote relaxation.

Maintain a healthy lifestyle: Eating a balanced diet, getting enough sleep, and reducing stress can help alleviate menopause symptoms.

Join a support group: Joining a menopause support group can provide you with a sense of community and support. It can also be a helpful resource for information and advice.

Consider alternative therapies: Some women find relief from menopause symptoms through alternative therapies, such as acupuncture, massage, or herbal supplements. It's important to speak with a healthcare professional before trying any alternative therapy.

Remember, menopause is a natural part of life, and it's important to take care of yourself during this time. By seeking help, staying active, practicing relaxation techniques, and maintaining a healthy lifestyle, you can tackle menopause-related anxiety and behavior-related issues.
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Dr Ashish

Dr Ashish Sehgal  |33 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Mar 16, 2023

Asked by Anonymous - Feb 21, 2023
Relationship
I’m 41 male, married for last 15 years and have 1 kid. We were in a relationship and got married I love my wife and she also loves me a lot. We live in a joint family ,my wife is an alcoholic and for the same i ready apply divorce 3 time but due to my son i always gave her chance to change her self, but its high time now i apply 4 th time divorce, m i right or wrong??
Ans: I'm sorry to hear that you and your wife are going through such a difficult time. Dealing with addiction can be challenging for both the individual struggling with it and their loved ones. It's important to recognize that addiction is a disease and requires professional help and support to overcome.

Divorce is a serious decision and should not be taken lightly. It's important to consider all of the factors involved and to seek professional guidance before making any decisions. It sounds like you have tried to work through your wife's addiction for a long time and have given her multiple chances to change, but have not seen the results you were hoping for.

If you have exhausted all options and feel that divorce is the best course of action for you and your son, then you are entitled to make that decision. However, it's important to consider the impact that divorce may have on your son and to make sure that he is receiving the support and care that he needs during this difficult time.

I would encourage you to seek the guidance of a professional counselor or therapist to help you navigate this difficult decision and to explore all of your options. They can provide you with the support and guidance you need to make the best decision for yourself and your family.
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Dr Ashish

Dr Ashish Sehgal  |33 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Mar 16, 2023

Relationship
My husband has been in a relationship with a woman for past 6yrs i came to know 3 yrs ago and confronted him.Initially he broke up with her but they came together again.Eqch time i confronted him he said to me you are my life and the relationship with the other woman is just a phase.It will die it's own death and then cries his heart out to stop me from leaving him. Where do I stand ? What should I do to know it's ended forever.
Ans: I'm sorry to hear that you're going through this situation with your husband. It's understandable that you feel hurt and confused about where you stand in your relationship.

First and foremost, you have to prioritize your own well-being and happiness. You deserve to be in a relationship where you feel respected, loved, and secure. It's important to have a conversation with your husband and express your feelings about the situation. Let him know how his behavior has affected you and your relationship. Be clear about what you expect from him moving forward.

It's also important to set boundaries and make sure that they are respected. If you feel uncomfortable with him seeing or talking to the other woman, let him know that it's not acceptable. Consider seeking the help of a couples therapist or a marriage counselor to work through the issues in your relationship and communicate effectively.

Ultimately, it's up to your husband to end the relationship with the other woman and commit to your marriage. If he continues to choose the other woman over you, it may be time to reevaluate your relationship and decide what's best for you in the long run. Remember, you deserve to be happy and have a fulfilling relationship.
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Love Guru

Love Guru  |108 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert - Answered on Mar 13, 2023

Relationship
I am 45 and my wife 40. We are married since 10 years and have a child. We are middle class. I really care my wife and love her. I believe in women empowerment and want my wife to be good in computer knowledge, spoken english and be a smart lady . Smart not in terms of look but from mind. I am an event manager. I want my wife to take take care of house hold responsibilities and help me at work to certain extent in balanced manner. But she is unable to take care of any of my wishes, desires, ambitions. I have tried to talk several several time but every time it becomes one sided. If i speak 100 then she doesn't speak even 1. I want to keep her happy. I want to give her an identity. But i fail in all because she doesn't understand me. This nature of her is just crushing all my ambitions, desires and wishes. By nature she seems to be very simple but as we know too much of anything is bad. Several times i have told her to talk and let me know her point of view, but she doesn't. She is not mature enough to handle those responsibilities that come in our life at different times. FEEL JUST HELPLESS HOW TO TUNE MY HOUSE AND HOUSE HOLD AFFAIRS WITHOUT THE SUPPORT OF WIFE. PLEASE GUIDE.
Ans: You have made very clear what you want, but we have no clue what your wife wants. And communication — or rather the lack of it — is the problem. You obviously can’t facilitate it because she’s simply not responding and I find that highly unusual. It seems like she is unable to express herself at all, and that is certainly an issue. Please consult a professional therapist and explain yourself; I would suggest you attend the first session alone so you are able to articulate the exact nature of the problem.
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Mohit

Mohit Arora  |8 Answers  |Ask -

Dating Coach - Answered on Mar 13, 2023

Dr Ashish

Dr Ashish Sehgal  |33 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Mar 11, 2023

Relationship
Hello, I am 45 yrs old, divorced , in love with 29 yrs old girl. We deeply are in love with each other, however Girl’s Parents are not agreeing to our marriage, citing age gap. It’s been 2.5 yrs, have met her Parents many times at their home. Her Parents consider me as a nice guy , but the age gap factor is not letting them to approve our relationship. Am seriously stressed and want to wary that girl only. Request you to kindly suggest 🙏
Ans: It can be challenging when families do not approve of a relationship due to age differences or other factors. However, it's important to remember that ultimately, the decision to enter into a relationship and get married is a personal one that should be based on the feelings and desires of the two people involved.

It's important to continue to communicate openly and honestly with your girlfriend and her parents about your feelings and intentions. Try to listen to their concerns and address them in a respectful and thoughtful way. It may also be helpful to enlist the support of a neutral third party, such as a family counselor or mediator, who can help facilitate a productive conversation between you and your girlfriend's parents.

However, it's also important to recognize that ultimately, you cannot control the decisions of others. If your girlfriend's parents continue to disapprove of the relationship, it may be necessary to consider whether the relationship is sustainable in the long term. It's important to consider not only your feelings for each other, but also the practical realities of your situation and whether you can build a fulfilling and happy life together despite any external challenges.

Ultimately, it's up to you and your girlfriend to decide what is best for your relationship and your future. It may be helpful to continue to work on building a strong foundation of trust, communication, and mutual support, regardless of the outcome with her parents.
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Dr Ashish

Dr Ashish Sehgal  |33 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Mar 11, 2023

Relationship
He always fight with me how I handle this situation
Ans: Fighting with your partner can be a difficult and stressful experience. If you're finding that you and your partner are constantly fighting, it may be helpful to take a step back and reflect on what may be causing the conflict.

First, try to identify the triggers that lead to arguments between you and your partner. Are there certain topics or situations that tend to set off disagreements? Understanding what causes conflicts can help you and your partner avoid these situations or approach them in a more productive way.

It's also important to work on communication skills. When you and your partner are in the midst of an argument, try to remain calm and listen actively to what they have to say. Avoid interrupting or talking over them, and take the time to reflect on your own feelings before responding. If the conversation becomes too heated, take a break and come back to it when both of you have had a chance to cool down.

If you find that you're unable to resolve conflicts on your own, it may be helpful to seek the guidance of a professional relationship counselor. A trained counselor can provide you and your partner with tools and strategies for improving communication, managing conflicts, and strengthening your relationship.

Remember, building a strong and healthy relationship takes effort and commitment from both partners. By working together and focusing on effective communication, you and your partner can overcome conflicts and build a stronger, more fulfilling relationship.
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Dr Ashish

Dr Ashish Sehgal  |33 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Mar 11, 2023

Relationship
Hello Sir/ Ma'am I am 43 in the teaching profession based in Guwahati and had a late marriage at 40 years with a teacher girl aged 5 years younger to me. We have a 2.5 years old cute male child and I love my wife.But my in-laws have insulted my parents and my wife's 3 sisters interferes too much in our personal life and strangely my wife has turned a blind eye to all these.For example recently wife's younger sister texted me "are you nuts" which is not acceptable as I am elder. Things are going for the worse now. My patience is being tested. Please help.
Ans: It's understandable that you're feeling frustrated and upset about the situation with your in-laws and your wife's sisters. It can be difficult to navigate family dynamics, especially when there are conflicts and misunderstandings involved.

First and foremost, it's important to communicate your feelings to your wife in a calm and respectful manner. Let her know how her family's behavior is affecting you and your relationship, and encourage her to work with you to establish healthy boundaries with her family.

It's also important to set clear boundaries with your in-laws and your wife's sisters. Let them know that their behavior is not acceptable and that you expect to be treated with respect. Be firm but polite, and try to avoid escalating the situation with anger or aggression.

If the situation continues to escalate or you feel like you're not able to resolve the conflicts on your own, it may be helpful to seek the guidance of a professional counselor or mediator. They can provide you with strategies for managing difficult family dynamics and help you and your wife work together to strengthen your relationship.

Remember that building strong, healthy relationships takes time and effort. It's important to be patient and persistent, and to continue to communicate openly and honestly with your wife and her family.
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Anu

Anu Krishna  |336 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Mar 09, 2023

Relationship
Hi , I m 44 yr old working professional. We live married life like just for responsibility. We stay separated side by side flat. We never stays together in 7 yrs or have social life. I stayed because of son. Now she diagnosed with cancer. But we have joint property now she taken another with her sister nd mother. I feel single even with marital status. Now it is not possible to be in relationship with her than son responsibility. Should I explore with outside marriage. She is not even giving divorced nd wanted just on paper
Ans: Dear Avinash,
If the two of you have come to a conclusion that there is no way that the marriage can be rebuilt, what's the point in staying together? It's better that your son sees two happy parents living separately rather than two unhappy parents living together.
What exactly do you mean when you ask: 'Explore with outside marriage?' Do you mean that explore a relationship while you are still married?
That is a personal choice that you must make as usually these concepts are almost always linked with values and morals. So, you need to ask yourself if you ready to explore outside of marriage and also deal with the emotions and situations that might arise from them?
First things first; (my suggestion)...Check where your marriage is and what you can do together to save it or let it go before complicating it with another relationship. You might just bite more than you can chew with a dual situation. Tread carefully and wisely to keep your mind sane and at peace.

All the best!
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Anu

Anu Krishna  |336 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Mar 09, 2023

Anu

Anu Krishna  |336 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Mar 08, 2023

Asked by Anonymous - Mar 05, 2023
Relationship
Dear Madam I am 36 years old and got married at 29. I have a 2year old daughter. My wife is highly impatient and always wants everyone to consider her as the centre of the universe. She has no interest in understanding peoples emotions and only cares for herself. Me and my family has no issues with this until my kid was born. After she is born, I had to devote much of my attention to my kid since my wife was very lackadaisical toward my baby. My whole energy was spent with my daughter who herself was a hyperactive kid but i do enjoy playing with her. But inspite of not understanding the fact that my whole energy is drained out by my kid, my wife starts blaming me that I am not taking care of her. What she wants is a silent husband who would silent approve of her whole nonsensical tantrums which of course i cant given the fact that my kid is growing up and i don't want her to take up these habits of her mothers. I have tried as much as possible to reason with her with patience but to no avail and my parents and relatives too after closely seeing my condition have also suggested a professional help in this regard. The fact is expect for people who are staying closely with us, no one can sense this attitude of her's and its quite difficult for others to believe when I am trying to tell them of this. Could you give me some help in this. How can I make her understand that I am not just a husband but I am a father , a son, a brother , a friend and more than that a human being.
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
Has you wife always been the way that you have described or has any incident given rise to this impatience and lack of reasoning?
A professional opinion may definitely be helpful in assessing what's going on and what can be done to streamline her thoughts into creating a family and a better life for herself and those around her.
Since, I don't know all the facts, I am unable to make a professional evaluation and can only work on some assumptions here.
Maybe she feels dissatisfied with being a wife and a mother and possibly wants to have a career for herself. Maybe motherhood is overwhelming for her and the responsibilities are worrying her.
Maybe she is seeking you care and attention.
Remember even a child when he/she throws a tantrum, you go deep to find the reason for it. It's never without a strong reason...So, do not dismiss what you wife might be going through. It needs to be taken care of.
In the meantime, care for yourself by making sure that you get some time off from playing the parent.
Find your ME time and indulge in your hobbies to maintain your sanity. You need to be a good kind space to be able to support your wife and child, so do what it takes to feel simple joys. So, seek professional help and NOW! Sometimes a total stranger can work wonders up...

All the best!
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Anu

Anu Krishna  |336 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Mar 07, 2023

Relationship
I am 42 year old unmarried male . I loves someone from my childhood and she also loves me but because of her family she agrees and got married to someone else and now she had one 12yr child. After her marriage I never kept contact with her respecting her decision for her family and assuming that she is living a happy life But during Corona-2021 she contacted me and told me about her life where her husband is in relationship with other married woman and is giving everything to that lady as his wife. She told these to her parents but because of some compulsion they both discussed and decided to accept it and continue it the way as it is. She told me that she loves me a lot is still waiting for me and doesn’t feel complete without me. She is honest in her married life but after these incident she dont want to live there but unable to exit because of family condition. She told me she loves me and need me above all and everything in life she wants me to remain with her like her life partner but because of some compulsion she is not in a conditon to give our relationship a NAME in society. Everytimes she told me that she love me a lot and says that I am more than anything else in life to her and she does not want to lose me as well. We shares everything with each other like husband-wife. I am always there for her and will support her in all respect so that she became happy and lead a healthy life. But sometimes I feel that I shall come out from this as these will further destroy her disturbed life but at times I feel I don’t able to leave her and all I need is that she live a happy life and ready to do anything for these. What shall I do here? Please guide.
Ans: Dear P,
This is a confused and confusing situation that you are in. Kindly do not confuse yourself any further. She might never be able to step out of her marriage and be with you. So, are you some kind of a 'spare' person? Are you willing to play a secondary role in someone's life when you have the chance to be the primary person in a well-defined relationship?
Being friends and supporting one another is one thing; but being in a relationship that has no structure invariably causes misunderstandings, anger, disappointments and more confusion.
When she is clear that she will stick by her marriage, let this be...why wouldn't you simply be a friend who also wants to create his own life.
It's nice to live in a fantasy world and assume that this kind of an engagement will work; it's far from the truth...You are worried about destroying her disturbed life; do look into what you are doing to your life as well. Chasing behind someone who is married and intends to be in it is like chasing a ghost that will never be seen or heard but will certainly cause anguish in some form to you.
Be wise, at 42, you still can build your life that is not dependent on someone else's emotions and boundaries. You deserve a good life; so create it.

All the best!
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Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |10 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Mar 06, 2023

Relationship
I am a 53 year old man living alone away from family for 6 years. My wife has affair with her boyfriend and they are in physical relations also. Suddenly I got attracted to one female colleague. We became friendly. Suddenly that lady has stopped talking to me. Being a matured man I don't want anybody's life to be spoiled but not able to cope up with her ignorance to me. Please suggest how to cope up with the situation.
Ans: Hello Ajay

I'm sorry to hear that you're going through a difficult time. It can be challenging to navigate through feelings of loneliness and betrayal, and it's natural to seek out companionship and connection.

It's important to remember that just because someone is friendly with you doesn't necessarily mean they're interested in pursuing a romantic relationship. It's possible that your colleague has simply realized that she doesn't feel the same way about you and is choosing to distance herself to avoid leading you on.

If you're struggling to cope with her sudden change in behavior, it may be helpful to take some time to reflect on your own feelings and motivations. Are you genuinely interested in this person as a friend, or were you hoping for something more? It's important to be honest with yourself and with others about your intentions.

If you do find that you have feelings for this person and are struggling to move on, it might be helpful to seek out support from a therapist or counselor. They can provide you with guidance and strategies for coping with feelings of rejection and moving forward in a healthy way.

Finally, it's important to remember that everyone has their own journey and experiences, and it's not your responsibility to try to save someone from their own problems or make them happy. Focus on taking care of yourself and cultivating healthy relationships with those who reciprocate your feelings and respect your boundaries.
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Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Mar 04, 2023

Relationship
My wife frequently quarrels with me, putting up baseless aligations on character shoutingly so much that everyone in our apartment hears it easily. This conduct of her is affecting badly my 4 year son and 12 year old daughter and badly tarnishing my social life. We are now married for last 10 years and she is always like this towards me. Please hlp as it is effecting my health. Thanks.
Ans: Dear Irfan,

I'm sorry to hear that you're going through this difficult situation in your marriage. It sounds like your wife's behavior is not only affecting you, but also your children and social life.

It's important to communicate openly with your wife about how her behavior is affecting you and your family. You can try to have a calm and respectful conversation with her about your concerns and express how her behavior is hurting you and your children. It's important to avoid being defensive or confrontational, as this can escalate the situation and make things worse.

If your attempts to communicate with your wife are not successful, it may be helpful to seek the advice of a marriage counselor or therapist. A trained professional can help you both to identify the underlying issues that are causing the conflicts and provide you with tools and strategies to improve your communication and relationship.

In the meantime, it's important to prioritize the well-being of your children and yourself. You can seek support from trusted friends or family members, join a support group, or consider individual therapy to help you cope with the stress and emotional toll of the situation.

Remember, it's not healthy or acceptable for anyone to be subjected to baseless allegations or verbal abuse. It's important to take steps to protect yourself and your family from this behavior, whether that means seeking professional help
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Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Mar 04, 2023

Asked by Anonymous - Mar 03, 2023
Relationship
Hello Anu, I am from Lucknow, with a pregnant wife and a son. I moved out of Lucknow after 2006 and since then I have never lived with them. But since Covid, I suffered a few setbacks in career and had to move back to Lucknow to live with my parents. It was a move out of force. Now, I am kind of doing ok in my career but feel like stuck at home. I don't get respect from my parents, there's absolutely no communication. My father is borderline narcissist and alpha male - everything has to happen the way he wants. His behavior changes drastically if we do anything without asking him or his consent. My mother and wife are not in best terms though I cannot say they are enemies. My mother has a super soft spot for my sister who lives in another city, she seems the pain even for my lady cook but not for my pregnant wife. Some times I have seen things in front of my eyes and I didn't like how my wife was treated. I feel no one deserves this - I would not have tolerated it myself so I cannot expect her. Now the thing is I want to move out of my parents place but without hurting their feelings. They are attached to their grandson and I feel I will be called out as the bad guy here if I try to move out. I feel that some distance will actually mend things as things were not this bad when I was living in another city. I don't know how to put up this conversation since it will mostly be striked out in the first place, I am scared of their reaction as they don't really support me or my concerns most of the time. I feel stuck every day and want to live life on my own, want to do things on my own. Make mistakes, but my mistakes. Also if I start this conversation, there's a chance that my parents might feel that this is because of my wife! Though that's not the case, it's me. If you can provide me any inputs or help, that would be great.
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
Move out and be unapologetic about it.
Initially expect a lot of tantrums that will make you feel guilty as though you have abandoned your parents. But remember as you have said that some distance will mend the relationship even if it means people feel hurt in the short term. Long term you will succeed in putting a system in place where healthy boundaries are put.
Your growing family will have a good physical and emotional space to thrive.
Now will your parents blame this decision on your wife? Highly possible, but when you know the intent behind this decision is noble, ignore the taunts and kindly ask your wife to become resilient to all this.
Think of WHY you had to take this decision which will not just help your family but also your parents and the relationship between the two sides.
A bit of inconvenience for a better larger term picture.

All the best to you!
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Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Mar 04, 2023

Asked by Anonymous - Mar 03, 2023
Relationship
Hi anu, i am married for 11 years and have 5 year old daughter, after delivery wife is not at all sexually active, even if i touch her she does not like it... pls help me
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
Immediately after delivery the hormones in a woman's body get more attuned to nurturing and caring for the baby, so that baby is not deprive of the mother's love and can grow and develop.
But if it's still like that even now, it can be more an emotional response to something that is still triggering her.
Is she too tired from household chores?
Is she the only one managing the child all day?
Do you connect with her outside of the bedroom like holding hands, cuddling or simply laughing together?
When was the last time you appreciated her or complimented her?
Do you share the household responsibilities?
Do the two of you spend time alone without the child with you at all times?

Intimacy in the bedroom first begins outside the bedroom where emotional aspects are what a woman look for like care, love, attention and a lot of support. This is where men can fall short and feel rejected. There is no need to look at it as rejection now that you know what can be done.
Also I suggest that a thorough check-up to rule out any physical ailment that might be keeping her away from intimacy. Having said this, be patient and supportive and do not bring up this lack of sex again and again in front of her; it will only push her away as though she is being asked to perform. So be patient and caring and allow Nature to take its course.

All the best!
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Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Mar 03, 2023

Asked by Anonymous - Mar 02, 2023
Relationship
I got happily married in 2006 and since 2007 there where small quarrels between my wife and my mother. We were a joint business and my mother always made her feel insecure financially and socially (this I know now after my wife explained the facts).We separated from our parents in 2012 and have 2 kids 13 yrs and 9 years. My wife is unable to forget her past tramuna and after 17 yrs for marriage if any issue comes where I am seen giving sympathy to my parents I am being questioned and argued. She is suffering from Cervical spondylosis and now she has been diagnosed with Dystonia which on emotional grounds have made our life worst. She just wants to quarrel with me right from morning 5.30am there is hue and cry everywhere and does not end anytime. When I am at office she call and ask me to come back urgently and when I am at home she ask to move off as she does not want to see me. I read these symptoms occur in Dystonia but she isn’t ready to meet any psychiatrist. What can be done from my end as I have 2 kids and one is at the faq end of her schooling.
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
Any physical ailments that hit suddenly can cause a massive disruption to life. Especially, for the caregiver. I can only imagine how unsettled the marriage might feel; but she needs all the support that you can offer.
She possibly is in a state of denial or anger at the way things are at this moment and displaces the disappointment on you. Not fair, I know!
This also causes her to argue with you on things from the past like when you support your parents. But the real challenge I can only assume is her health that is causing her distress.
She needs a change in perspective by accepting things for what they are right now; but not willing to see a mental health expert puts you in a spot. Maybe you can fill in, in a manner that you can by using the weekends to take time off with her. Spend quality time together and also by yourself to find your peace as well.
Ask the children to pitch in when they can; they are old enough to run little chores in the home. At the same time, do not make your wife feel that is incapable of managing things (this could become a huge dependecny which will spoil her mental state further).
Also, I suggest run back home only in case of an emergency else, you will spread yourself thin by allowing yourself to give into her every demand of raising an alarm. This will become a pattern of dependence on you again.
Enable her to care for herself as much as she can and when she can. This can strengthen her mind state and help in her healing. (since I am unaware of the severity of her symptoms). Enable her...

All the best!
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Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Mar 03, 2023

Relationship
Mam, I am retired father in law and financial well off. My son got married five years back. It is arranged marriage through matrimony. My son and daughter in law are both post degree qualified and well placed and staying with us. We tried asking for some money from both of them for monthly family expenses after two years of marriage which daughter in law refused and said you want dowry in this form, she record conversations, threat us of stree mukti, of police complaint , object our daughter visiting our place, blames us etc. Very often, she fight with her husband as well. We are only in reactive mode every time and accommodate her. Nowadays, she has started demanding the money spent by her mother in marriage and frequently leave our house and stay with her mother. We are afraid that she does not fake complain and harrasss us. Does not have any respect to relation, relatives, isolated /self centric, high ego and make other irritate type of personality, thinks of herself, does not believe that there is world outside. Please advise.
Ans: Dear Subhash,
Since I only have your version of the story, I can only assume that you are going through a rough patch. But I do believe it takes two sides in any story. Why is it that your daughter-in-law wants to all of a sudden behave this way? Were things fine in the initial years of marriage?
Why the sudden demand of money from you when you say that she is well-placed? Surely something seems amiss here.
Anyway, it is worrisome when your own people behave in this way. You are also justified in feeling that she may make a false complaint. Where is your son's mind in this matter? I think he should also be worried about the way things are changing. Is he unable to or has he tried to talk to his wife? At this point, let no one else interfere and let him be the sole person to deal with her.
He knows the challenges at home and will know what to do. So kindly request your son to step in (if he hasn't already done that) and sort this out in the most amicable manner. This first step will then determine the future course of action.
Having said this, I do want the family to recall if there has been any instance that has triggered your daughter-in-law to act this way. That will give you an idea to proceed in the right direction.

Best wishes!
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Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Mar 03, 2023

Relationship
Hello mam, I have been married since 2011 and have one 9 yrs old child, but after the birth of our child my wife had stopped taking care of her looks. Even though we are of the same age, she looks much more aged than me and less interested in physical relationship. Whenever I start discussing about this with her, she starts arguing and gets upset. We are in our late 30s. Can you please suggest a way out of this please.
Ans: Sumeet,

It sounds like you are facing some serious concerns in your relationship, and I can understand how that might be difficult and frustrating. However, it's important to approach these issues with empathy, sensitivity, and mutual respect.

It's possible that your wife is dealing with her own struggles that are affecting her ability to prioritize her appearance and engage in physical intimacy. It's important to approach these concerns with an open mind and to try to understand her perspective. Rather than focusing on the external appearance of your wife, it might be more helpful to try and understand what is going on internally.

It's important to communicate openly and honestly with your wife about your concerns, but it's equally important to listen to her and respect her feelings. If she is not interested in discussing these issues or feels uncomfortable with the topic, it's important to honor her wishes and give her the space she needs.

If you are feeling disconnected from your wife and are concerned about the lack of physical intimacy in your relationship, it might be helpful to seek the guidance of a professional counselor or therapist. They can provide a safe and supportive space for both of you to explore your concerns and work towards solutions that honor both of your needs and boundaries.

Overall, the key to addressing these issues is to approach them with empathy, communication, and mutual respect. With time, patience, and effort, you may be able to find a path forward that strengthens your relationship and honors both of your needs.
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Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Mar 03, 2023

Relationship
Hi, I have been married since 2011 and have a son aged 9 yrs. My wife managed her professional career as well as home. I trusted her to the fullest and allowed her to go out of town alone for work purpose. However in 2017, my wife had an affair with her senior working in bank and it was physical relationship too. It lasted for almost 1.5 yr untill I caught her in August 2018. When confronted she did not had proper justification for doing such gross thing and tried too blame me. Since than she has no contact with that person and even she filed a complain in the office against that person for stalking. She is remorseful and shameful for her act, but i dont feel any attachment towards her. I am still continuing in marriage with mental trauma of affair. What should i do with marriage now?
Ans: Dear Saurav

Discovering that your wife has been unfaithful can be a traumatic experience, and it's understandable that you may be feeling hurt, angry, and betrayed. It's important to prioritize your own well-being and emotional health during this time.

Here are some steps that you can take to help you navigate this situation:

Seek support: Consider talking to a therapist, a trusted friend or family member, or a support group for individuals who have experienced infidelity. It's important to have someone to talk to who can provide a listening ear and a safe space for you to express your emotions.

Communicate: If you want to work on your relationship with your wife, it's important to communicate openly and honestly about your feelings. Let your wife know how her actions have affected you and what you need in order to move forward.

Set boundaries: It's important to set clear boundaries with your wife regarding what is and isn't acceptable behavior. If you choose to work on your relationship, make sure that your wife is willing to take responsibility for her actions and work towards rebuilding trust.

Consider counseling: If you and your wife want to work on your relationship, consider couples counseling. A trained therapist can help you and your wife communicate effectively and work through any underlying issues that may have contributed to the infidelity.

Take time to reflect: Consider what you want for your future and whether or not you are willing to work on your relationship. It's important to make a decision that feels right for you and your well-being.

Don't blame yourself: It's important to remember that your wife's infidelity is not your fault. While it's natural to feel responsible or to question what you could have done differently, ultimately the decision to cheat was your wife's alone.

It's important to acknowledge your own feelings and to take care of yourself during this time. With time and support, it's possible to heal and move forward from the trauma of infidelity. Ultimately, the decision about what to do with your marriage is up to you and your wife, and it's important to make a decision that feels right for both of you.
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Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Mar 03, 2023

Relationship
My friend wife is abusing all the time even my friend tried all the time to passify it but could not succeed .She tried to insult all the time to my friend My friend is a retired from service and getting good amount of pension .My friend wife nature is rude and cruel when she abuses to my friend my friend tries to passify it even my friend shut his ear . My friend nature is cool mind .please help and advice
Ans: If your friend's wife is being rude and abusive towards your retired friends, it is important to address the situation in a respectful and tactful manner. Here are some steps you can take:

Talk to your friend: It is important to first talk to your friend and express your concerns about their wife's behavior. Be honest and direct but also compassionate and non-judgmental. Let your friend know how their wife's behavior is affecting your retired friends.

Encourage your friend to talk to his wife: Your friend needs to take responsibility for his wife's behavior and talk to her about it. Encourage him to have an open and honest conversation with her and express how her behavior is impacting others.

Set boundaries: If your friend's wife's behavior continues, it may be necessary to set boundaries. This could mean limiting your interactions with her or avoiding her altogether. Make sure to communicate these boundaries clearly and respectfully to your friend.

Support your retired friends: Make sure to show support for your retired friends and let them know that you do not condone the behavior they are experiencing. Be there for them and offer any assistance or resources that they may need.

Consider seeking professional help: If the situation continues to escalate or if your friend's wife is showing signs of abuse, it may be necessary to seek professional help. This could mean seeking counseling for your friend and his wife or involving the authorities if necessary.

Remember that it is important to approach this situation with empathy and understanding for all parties involved. While it may be difficult to address this situation, it is important to take action to ensure that everyone is treated with respect and dignity.
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Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Mar 03, 2023

Asked by Anonymous - Feb 28, 2023
Relationship
Hello mam, I cannot focus on my work....I keep overthinking about the future and even after being skilled i cannot execute my work.I get distracted and agitated easily these days.I have lost confidence in myself i keep thinking how i would tackle things in future,I dont know what to do.Can you please guide.
Ans: Improving self-confidence and avoiding overthinking are two related but distinct issues. Here are some tips for both:

To improve self-confidence:

Identify your strengths and achievements. Write them down and revisit them when you feel insecure.Practice self-care, such as getting enough sleep, exercising, and eating healthy.Set realistic goals and work towards achieving them.Focus on your progress rather than comparing yourself to others.Surround yourself with positive and supportive people.Learn from your mistakes and failures rather than dwelling on them.Challenge negative self-talk and replace it with positive affirmations.Try new things and step out of your comfort zone.

To avoid overthinking:

Recognize when you're overthinking and acknowledge that it's not productive.Set aside time to think about the issue, but limit it to a specific amount of time.Engage in activities that distract you, such as exercise or hobbies.Practice mindfulness and focus on the present moment.Write down your thoughts and feelings to gain perspective and clarity.Talk to a trusted friend or therapist about your concerns.Accept that not everything can be controlled and focus on what you can control.Remind yourself that worrying won't solve the problem and take action towards a solution.
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Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Mar 02, 2023

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Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Mar 02, 2023

Asked by Anonymous - Feb 28, 2023
Relationship
My wife is 59 and last 20 years she is in love with a Doctor who is 8 years older than her. When I go for work they spend hours together on phone. 6 years back she said the relationship with the Doctor is over. But recently I had a doubt and had to resort to eavesdropping where I found the relationship still going in a stronger way. I held her for this and she says both of them have entered a one way traffic where there is no U-Turn and will continue for life. I told her my intention of closing this marriage with immediate effect. Finally she withdrew talking to Doctor but instead picked up conversation with Doctor's wife ( also a doctor) whom she has met many times before for our children's treatment. She is not ready to leave this new relationship at all and I doubt that in the garb of doctor's wife , he himself is speaking to my wife. Suggest a way out please.
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
What exactly do you want?
By stopping your wife or this Doctor or by threatening either of them, your wife is going to lovingly come back to you?
Sometimes love fades in a relationship and instead of using force, why not accept that it might be over. Alright, let's say that you want this marriage to continue, you seriously feel threat is going to work? Why not try and win her over? Very difficult to do, I understand.
Obviously, you also have the option of sitting her down and asking her where her mind is about this marriage. Also share your feelings about how her behaviour is impacting you.

One thing: Love never yielded to force of threat. It yields to only love and affection.

You have every right to save your marriage but not by threat. Instead, have an honest communication which in my opinion should have happened 20 years ago. Not too late even now...

All the best!
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Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Mar 01, 2023

Asked by Anonymous - Feb 27, 2023
Relationship
hi, I got married 15 years back, though when i saw my wife for the first time i didnt like her, because she was only 5 ft tall, as said destiny plays its roll and i got married to her and since then 15 years later still i dont like her at all, we have two kids, and i m only staying because of kids, what should i do ? i m really suffering as her nature too doesnt match with mine, every day i regret marrying her, pls advise
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
What do you mean you don't like her at all?
What prevented you from saying this to her before marriage? She would had the pleasure of rejecting you.
How will your nature match?
You have never allowed yourself to see her beyond her height and dislike her for it. It's sad to know that even after 15 years of marriage and two children, your emotional maturity is stuck on height and nature.

Maybe it's time to ask yourself: What is it that my wife possibly dislikes in me? Or better still, ask her...and don't be shocked if she has a list...

Grow up and shoulder your responsibilities or sit down with your wife and actually ask her why she is in this marriage with you. Maybe her genuine love and care for you might change your mind to feel differently about her. i sincerely hope you two find a way of working this out. But for that, you need to step out of seeing the 'bad' in her and see the 'good' in her. She did make your house a home and given birth to two children. Some appreciation here will change your perspective to think differently about her and your marriage.

Best wishes!
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