How do I fix my husband?

Ans:

Dear GH,

So, there’s someone in your home who lives for free and also wants to go out and seek pleasure and who will not even address the issue at hand.

Why exactly are you with him? He’s in it for the money that you bring in and someone to take care of him and his children and also who overlooks his infidelity.

He certainly has hit the jackpot with you. Now, why exactly do you want to still be with him?

If you feel that he will be willing to be counselled, kindly take him to an expert who can work with him and help you both put your marriage on track, else I am sure you know what situation you are in currently and how this has begun to affect the children as well.

Self-care is something that we don’t pay attention to and slowly it starts to eat away our peace of mind.

Do the right thing for you and for the children as well. Plan now for a future without him and see how prepared you are and whether it is something that you can manage. If not, you will have to accept him for who he is and move along life.

Simply do the right thing. All the best!

Ans: Dear SK, commenting on your body image honestly is no one’s business and by no one I also mean your husband.

He absolutely has no right to body shame you and make it a topic of jest.

The nest time, he calls you a spoilsport, please feel free to comment on his looks, his accent, his performance behind close doors and watch what his reaction is.

Sadly, his male ego will be hurt; at least it will give him an idea as to what he has been you through.

Communication as I mention must be firm and assertive; it must convey exactly what you want rather than what you don’t want.

And as far as it goes for you in-laws, ignore their childish behaviour towards you…honestly you cannot control anyone’s thoughts or actions and they are free to do as they please. But what gives them fuel is that you are provoked and hurt.

Is it possible to be unaffected by what people say of you and about you?

Yes, when you own your body image and are unapologetic about it!

Your body, your way…as simple as that and anyone has a problem with that, then it’s their problem!

Be at a lot of peace and act wisely!

Ans: Dear S, Thank you for trying to apply a few of my suggestions. Extended families can be a huge challenge to live with as much as there are advantages as well.

Too much mixing of thoughts and opinions that at times you feel that your thoughts are never valued.

Either, you ease into this and know that this will be your world; which means you start to ‘try’ to become happy which can be stressful.

If this is impossible and you want to change it, then STEP UP for yourself and for your son.

No arguments, no fights, but firmly asserting what you want.

Be kind always no matter what because your husband is just in the midst of his family and the family system that he has been raised with, your protests don’t matter much.

Making your point known doesn't need fights, but reiterating what you want and that your thoughts must be respected.

It’s possible that over a few weeks, this new calm behavior of yours might bring some change in your husband and he may start hearing and listening to what you have to say.

If that doesn’t work, yes you may have to take the help of a professional who will put you two together in a place and become a good third person who will facilitate the communication.

Whatever it is, be kind and calm and I am sure you are…it helps in ‘breaking down’ the stubbornness in other people and they maybe willing to calm down as well.

Be at peace.

Ans: Move on

Ans: Dear Anonymous,
It's easy to get angry, throw the weight around and then make people around believe that 'This is who I am!'...
No! It's another way that adults behave having a temper tantrum and it's not okay...
Obviously, it will cause a huge strain in a relationship. In fact, if you and your husband had a better level of compatibility and understanding, the same situation at home with all the responsibilities that you are handling would not be weighing you down.
Emotional support can absolutely be a game changer for a couple who have young children and aged parents to care for and to be on the same page as a couple can help...
These anger issues have a source to them and hence need to be addressed...Else you will be stuck with the daily chores feeling the anguish and then the blame game will slowly begin...
Address this with a lot of patience (like you already have...) Communication between the two of you can take shape in the form of:
- Listening more than talking
- Expressing more than complaining

These small tweaks will first ensure smooth engagement between the two of you...and also, you should know...his anger can just be a form of him asking for attention but he does not know how to ask for it. So, it has to change from anger into expressing...
Does all this change take time? YES and constant and patient work...Marriage is work! And the benefits of bringing back a happy family is always seen in the children first...it's priceless...

All the best!