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Anu

Anu Krishna

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach 

456 Answers | 40 Followers

Anu Krishna is a mind coach and relationship expert.The co-founder of Unfear Changemakers LLP, she has received her neuro linguistic programming training from National Federation of NeuroLinguistic Programming, USA, and her energy work specialisation from the Institute for Inner Studies, Manila.She is an executive member of the Indian Association of Adolescent Health.... more

Answered on Jun 03, 2023

Asked by Anonymous - Jun 02, 2023
Relationship
I am a 45 years old Indian living in the US for the past 10 years with the family. Despite having a steady job and a pay which typically is considered high, I end up spending more than my income. My wife also works full time with good pay as well but she thinks it's my responsibility to provide and she just saves all her money in her own accounts. We have multiple properties on both our names including cars but only I pay. I pay for groceries, bills, travel everything. On discussing about the expenses, which I have done multiple times so far, she says I should be ashamed to expect money from a woman. If this continues, I will reach retirement age kind of broke I feel. Also, I will spend sleepless nights thinking about finances until then. Please advice.
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
Like in any partnership, marriage is one such partnership where everything is usually shared. But I do know of couples, where they mutually agree that one partner takes care of the bills and the other education etc.
In your case, your wife has been saving up and you have been bleeding dry of your finances.
But why exactly are you spending more than your income? Financial mismanagement? Maybe that's why your wife is worried that it might happen to her portion of the income too?
Having said that, I guess your wife also needs to move past the belief that the Man is solely responsible for bringing money home. By that logic, she should never have worked, right?

Since she is working as well, she can contribute towards the family to the extent it can help but it is also imperative that as a woman she keeps some finances saved as a back-up for herself. It provides a good safety blanket for a woman since she possibly feels that you are spending more than what you earn.
It's up to you to bring about the subject without her feeling that you are out to spend all her money. So, you really need to start with managing your finances better...I am sure things will get better from thereon...

All the best!
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Answered on Jun 03, 2023

Relationship
Hi Anu, I hope you're doing well. I'm a 24 year old girl working as a software engineer. I was in love with a boy in long distance relationship and I met him only once. We both had great understanding, respect on each other. It was all good between us. On February 2023, he called me one day saying that he wants to tell his parents about our love matter. I said okay and asked him what he wanted to do if his family disagrees. He said that he'll wait until his family approves. I was okay with it and he informed to his family. But things started changing after he talked with his family. He wanted to break up with me. I told him many times that I wanted to be with him and don't want to break up. But, he didn't agree. Eventually, we stopped talking with each other. It was hard for me to move on but after few months, i finally decided to move on with my life. Then suddenly he messaged me saying that he wants to get back with me. I didn't agreed as I lost my trust on him. He even informed his family about getting back with me and they were okay with it. He wants to marry me. But, now the problem is I still like him, but I lost trust in him. I wanted to give him a chance but I'm afraid because of past break up with him. I'm confused about what should I do? Anu, can you please suggest me about giving him a chance or moving on with my life?
Ans: Dear Mahi,
Thank you for asking. I am doing well and trust that you too will be in the same space as well.
When what he has done has broken your trust, it is difficult to get it back... he has come back, but you are perhaps thinking: what if he pulls the same stunt again? And this makes you question every move of his...

If you look at it from his point of view, he possibly also loves you but his family pressures are getting to him and he can do only that much. Yes, it would have been more 'human' to talk to you about what had happened after he spoke with his family. But he chose not to and that lack of transparency is what has thrown you off...perhaps, he isn't all that mature emotionally or feels that he might lose you if he shares anything.

Whatever it is, your loss of trust on him is justified after the way he had behaved. If the two of you still want to give your relationship a chance, kindly do so...and clearly state to him that you have lost trust on him. Not only does he have explaining to do but he must reassure you that he will be honest with you in future. Also, give some time before committing to a marriage while you watch whether he has changed and he is consistent with what he has committed to changing. Only when you are sure, take a decision either way!

All the best!
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Answered on Jun 03, 2023

Answered on Jun 02, 2023

Relationship
I am a 43 year old man my relationship with .y wife goes back 29 years and marriage is of 21 years. I caught her cheating and came across her chats. I am unable to forget it. I asked her to leave filed for divorce then again called her back and did not file for divorce. We have a 15 year old daughter. I am just not able to forget each line of her chats with her bf.
Ans: Dear KM,
You asked her to leave and filed for divorce and then went back on it? Why so?
Why did you call her back and then also not want to file for divorce?
And you are still tormented by each line of the chat...
Either, you and your wife can talk about it and move past this OR you need to decide if you want to move out of the marriage.
There is no point having one foot here and another there; it will cause you a lot of pain which is what is happening currently.
So, since you have mentioned that you have a daughter, it's possible that you have held back because of her. Understandable as you are thinking of her and her happiness as well.

I suggest, you and your wife have a conversation and a very honest one...tell her exactly what and how you feel.
If you feel that there is possibility of reconciliation and that can happen only if you are willing to forgive and move on, then kindly find a way to live under a roof amicably. If not, then the best is to think about how a separation can help also keeping your daughter in mind.

Go one way and decide what that way will be. Forgiveness isn't easy, but if it can give you your peace of mind back, why not! Talk it out please...

All the best!
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Answered on May 31, 2023

Answered on May 30, 2023

Answered on May 30, 2023

Relationship
Mam, my son has just completed his 12 class in commerce stream. His self confidence is low and in exams he failed to give his 100% and score low marks than his capability. His is also careless in studies. please guide how we can help him and how he can improve on this. We are very much disturbed due to this. Please help...
Ans: Dear Lakhbinder,
That age is a very confusing time for youngsters as they not only have to deal with the expectations of the school and parents but also 'fit in' with their peers.
It is natural to be defocused from academics and not do their best and I do understand your worry especially if he is aiming at a highly academic course after Class 12.

In my experience, working with youngsters, this is what I have understood:

Youngsters are not careless with their studies without reasons.
- They are doing a course which they were forced into or don't have an aptitude for
- They have immense pressure at home and school to perform
- They have been subject to a lot of comparison with those performing well in their class
- They have a lot of unwanted influences through chat apps and social media apps
- They are constantly monitored as to how much effort they are putting
- They are simply giving into their rebellious streaks given the age

It could be any of the above. Do identify and if there are things as a parent you can do, kindly step in NOT as a friend but by being more accepting and FRIENDLY. If it's about focus orientation, seek an expert who in one session will be able to help him through re-training the mind hacks which are simple to follow with amazing results.

All the best!
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Answered on May 27, 2023

Relationship
Why does my senior colleague who is separated from his wife give me expensive gifts? I respect him for his knowledge and thats about it. He is 50 plus. And my age is 32. This is in spite of the fact that i am happily married for and have a 8 year old son. He wants to call me every month and talk. He also wants to meet me in person. I have explained to him that i am committed to my husband. Why does he do this? How do i handle this situation?
Ans: Dear Rajani,
He is possibly lonely and wants female company and attention. Gifts are a way to entice a woman to take notice and subtly tell her that he is interested in her and her company.

The reason that you have put this into this forum is already confirming that you are comfortable with the way this colleague has been continuously approaching you. It's within your power to stop it, by simply saying so. Agreed, it's a senior colleague and a lot might be riding on it professionally, but you don't need to be silent about something that you do not want and are uncomfortable with.

If you meet him in person, that will be a sign for him that you are also interested. Kindly refuse this; meet him at the office cafeteria or a place where everyone knows him and politely convey your thoughts on this. The boundaries have to be conveyed clearly. And if he does not understand this, a firm NO, do involve your husband. That presence is not because you are weak but it will help your colleague understand that he needs to back off.

All the best!
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Answered on May 25, 2023

Asked by Anonymous - May 24, 2023
Relationship
Hi! I am married now for 4 years and have a 18 months old child. My wife is having Borderline Personality Disorder and often talks about ending the marriage but when she is normal, she credits me for such an understanding husband. She doesn't acknowledge that she has such disorder from before marriage. I am very disallusioned about what step to take more so because of my daughter. Shall I go for divorse? Please advice.
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
It's easy to walk out on a marriage but being in it and overcoming challenges together can grow the two of you in love and trust.
Whether she knows about her condition before marriage or not, in my opinion is not of concern as you need to focus on how as a family you can deal with the situation. What if you were in her place? Would you want her to leave you?
Any disorder (as experts call it) of the mind require a lot of support from the family members and having worked with clients on this, I can tell you involving the family makes it easier for the person struggling with it. It also strengthens their bond. The two of you have a child who needs both parents...
It may seems an uphill task to be in this situation but do remind yourself: Why did I marry this person in the first place?
This reason will be enough to carry you on and make a commitment to handle it together.
I do realize that one day she may say one thing and go back and say just the opposite the next day. It can be very disillusioning for you. My appeal is: go back to the person who diagnosed her. He/she will educate you on the coping strategies individually and the family as a whole. A good round of counselling will also help your wife take care of her mind state.

All the best and I am sure you can do this...
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Answered on May 24, 2023

Answered on May 23, 2023

Asked by Anonymous - May 22, 2023
Relationship
Hello Anu, A friend is having trouble in his marriage of 17 years. The wife got into an affair with a neighbor. Once the friend found out, he took his time to consolidate evidence and now after confronting, both have accepted. The husband is too emotional to let go of the happenings and has taken it to heart like anything (6+ months now). They have a 13 year old kid. Both have come to terms with the fact that they need to be together for the kid's sake, but can't seem to come to terms to even talk to each other, staying in the same house. I have suggested them to stay together as parents and not as a couple (at least, till they are able to sort out the future steps) but there seems no way the husband will communicate with the wife in daily routine, and the wife is helpless as she feels morally guilty in saying anything to the husband. Could you suggest some tips on how to get them communicating so that they are able to at least move forward in some direction or the other?
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
When two adults consent to living together for the sake of the child despite what's happened, what's the point in playing EGO games? Will the child not be affected by his parents' drama now when he sees them spitting fire at each other or being passive aggressive? This might be really damaging to him.
Kindly advice your friend and his wife to go through this marriage in a somewhat harmonious fashion 'for the sake of the child' (since it's their decision).

There is nothing that will come out of this display of anger and power on the part of your friend. He is only trying to complain and get his hurt ego massaged and his wife will meekly be quiet knowing that she has caused this situation. How is this helping anyone?

So, if they want to live under one roof for the child's sake, let them do it as mature adults. There has to be a certain code of conduct while they live together as a family. And mind you, this is going to be more than just friendly banter. The boy is 13 and needs his parents more at the cusp of puberty and the parents here are looking out for themselves. If this continues, I would suggest that they think of separation at least till they allow the anger to simmer down. This will also allow the boy to breathe easy.

Go the whole hog; don't keep the foot in two places. It tears the family apart.

All the best to your friend and his family and thank you for caring about them! All the best to you too!
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Answered on May 23, 2023

Asked by Anonymous - Apr 13, 2023
Relationship
I'm 58 now, since he age of 18 I was in love with a neighborhood girl. She was Hindu but I a christian. Her family was comparatively well to do . This prompted me to keep myself from expressing my feelings, I got myself a job and waited to have some financial independence. In the meanwhile she fell in love with someone else and also moved to the US, I was too late in expressing my feelings to her, and I told her under the condition we remain friends. After she moved we kept in touch thro' letters or an occasional phone call in the late 1980's. In the begining of the 1990's both of us got married to different partners , but continued to keep in touch as friends, which both our partners were aware. We used to meet personally whenever she would come to India, which was once in a year or sometimes even 2/3 years. We both have 2 boys each and the boys are now in their 20's. A couple of years ago she got divorced as her partner was in a physical relationship with someone else. In the meanwhile I continued with my wife even though we were totally incompatible and we literally hate each other. We didn't think of divorce coz of social pressures and in my case I've gifted her a major chunk of my immoveable assets but I earn rent on these properties which helps me meet y daily expenses. Over the last 2 years I had 2 heart attacks. the second one brought us both very close as she was concerned about my health, she came down to India and spent a few days motivating me to lead a healthier life, which co incidentally my wife never does, instead blames and nags me on my lifestyle. We have never had a physical relationship, at the most when we meet it's a warm peck on the cheek or just holding hands. Now I am getting back to my teenage years, I'm madly in love with her and want her. I know for sure if I do that my children would disown me and I'll lose a large part of my property which gives me a earning. I want her. I'm right now confused, illogical and very emotional.
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
I do realize that you have had to wait for this long for your love to be recognized and reciprocated as well. But that's the Nature of Time, If something does not yield a result at that moment, even if it fruitions later in time, it may not be very conducive to the people involved as everyone has grown in that particular relationship to form situational bonds. Meaning, you and she have become parents and your wife is still part of this equation.

It's not wrong to feel what you are feeling; but do not compare both the women. If your friend never existed, you would have had a different opinion on your wife altogether. Marriage is about accepting your partner at the core for who he/she is.

Now, let's take your situation and break it down. Suddenly, your friend who was married and because of which you respected boundaries is suddenly no longer in a marriage. So, that has given you an opportunity to think of how your life could have been with her and is tempting you to think of it. I understand that your health conditions would also have urged you to live life to the fullest. But, you are still married and you have a lot of financial tie-ups with your wife. Your friend possibly might not even want what you want. Plus, the children...it's one huge complication...

Should you not live your life? Yes, you must and should BUT do weigh what you might lose for what you want to gain. Are willing to risk it for the sake of love? It's the only logical way to approach this situation.

All the best!
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Answered on May 19, 2023

Relationship
He doesn't know what happened to him all he says that I don't know what happened to me I just don't wanna talk to anyone. I asked him several times to open up but in the last he said if u can't understand my situation, can't stay without talking to me u can leave me. Its been past one month that he is acting like this . What does it mean ? I feel that I am not valued here . As he can't see how much my feelings are hurt.
Ans: Dear Yashasvi,
I recall answering your question a couple of times. And you seem to be running around in circles waiting for things to happen in a way that he is back in your life when he clearly seems to be running away from you.

When you realize that you are not valued, what exactly are you waiting for? If he does not realize your worth, are you planning on sticking around, chase him and make him realize your worth?

Isn't it time that you value and respect yourself. When you are not wanted by someone, they walk away, ask for space without telling you when they want to re-engage, turn the thing around and make you feel guilty for the way you feel...He's doing all of it to you and yet you want him to see how your feelings are hurt.
How do tell you that you need yo pick yourself up and do the right thing for yourself? Free yourself from this thought and feeling loop with this guy...you will feel liberated.

He said; if you can't understand his situation, then you leave him, right? What more do you want him to do and say for you to believe that he isn't into you at all. Look ahead and learn from this on how to love and care for yourself and soon a person who loves and values you will come along...

All the best!
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Answered on May 18, 2023

I am jee aspirant and couldn't clear it . I was sure that in 2nd attempt i will do it for sure but when I saw the results they broke my courage. I convinced my self its ok u have many other options but after seeing my cbse 12th results its hard that there is any option left for me. I thought for bits pilani but I am not getting aggregate above than 75% . Now , I have no courage to start again . I am depressed what should I should do. There isn't any single day that I am not scolded for my marks and mistakes . Even now my parents aren't that much supportive like they were . It feels like just because u can't clear ur entrance exam , ur everything is judged. My parents are saying of taking drop but its hard for to take a drop. I don't know what should I do. Every day its getting hard to live thinking that again someone will come and make me count my mistakes.
Ans: Dear Yashasvi,
You win some, you lose some...that is LIFE...

Instead of feeling down and out, pick yourself up and figure out what you want to do next...what are the other options that you are yet to consider. feeling sorry for yourself is not going to push you to make a future.
You can't change what's happened but you can certainly choose how you want things to move ahead...
So shake this low feeling and feeling sorry for yourself off and seek the advice of a senior who you look up to or someone in your family who can guide you on the next steps.
It helps involving someone to help you at this time as you are deep into it already. This person can play the role of giving you independent advice and suggestions without judging you.

1. Seek someone who is a role model to guide you
2. Look ahead instead of harping on what has happened
3. Use failure as a form of feedback from where you can learn
4. Spend at least a month away from academics to rework strategies on how to study effectively
5. Smile through challenges as they only help you grow

And if you still feel that your parents are being supportive, do let them know that you need more of their love and care.

All the best!
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Answered on May 18, 2023

Asked by Anonymous - Apr 27, 2023
Relationship
I am 42 year old married woman. I was attached to my father very much. I lost him suddenly in 2021 by covid. He was fit and fine. I never thought he could left us like this. I feel very lonely , empty & completely of no desire for anything in life. I feel guilty and bad that the way my father struggled alone in ICU ward in his final days & we could not do anything for him. No one could met him & even saw him. I could not hugged him & even touched his body to say to goodbye in crematorium. Life got completely changed for me now. I am doing a job in which I working for very long time but not getting noticed or promoted so I feel sidelined by my seniors. I feel no use to work there or even anywhere now. I feel mentally I am tired to handle any pressure now. I am thinking to quit it to get some mental peace but not sure what I will do in free time. I have few marriage issues also & don't have any kids. I want to spend time alone & not even with my husband. Now I just want to live my life peacefully & happily without expecting anything from anyone. Tell me if I am correct or need to improve my way of thinking.
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
I am truly very sorry for your loss. It might have been very difficult at not having that closure right at the end to process your loss your way. I can only imagine what you must be going through even now.

This heavy heartedness has most likely caused you to lose interest in many things in life including your work life. Even things that were simple to handle might have become too much to deal with. You need to heal by grieving and slowly going into acceptance. Is this hard? Oh yes, but with the help of someone who specializes in grief counselling and therapy, you can heal through this. This doesn't mean that you have to forget your father; it only means you process what has happened to transition into a better mind space. This will help you get a grip over your life for what it is now and like all of us, you deserve to be happy and at peace. Do consider this option and see an expert; it will really help you...

All the best and do know that this too shall Pass!
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Answered on May 17, 2023

Relationship
My 11 years daughters Stammers at times. She is ok when she has to narrate things of her own. When Stammers when she has to make things explain. Please suggest me.
Ans: Dear Upendra,
It could be possible that she is under some sort of anxiety to get things right while explaining it.
Even a small incident from childhood where she was stopped when she was explaining and felt conscious, can trigger the same event later in life as well.
When did this stammering begin? Was it when she began talking or much later?
If much later, what event occurred just prior to that? This can be a good indicator of the WHY behind her stammering.
And why I feel this way is because you say that she is okay narrating things on her own but stammers only when she has to explain things. Also a point that you can pay attention to is: Is it when she explains anything or only certain things?
- You can try and work with this by yourself at home by allowing her to gain confidence when she explains, encouraging her rather than making her aware of it.
- Standing in front of the mirror and rehearsing/explaining can give her feedback instantly without her having to feel embarrassed in front of anyone
- Mind games to increase confidence can be introduced (you can seek the help of a therapist)
- Spend a lot of time together as a family in love and care which ensures her that she is never alone

If you still feel that things are not improving, I suggest that you visit a therapist or a psychologist who can guide her through this.

All the best!
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Answered on May 12, 2023

Relationship
Mam , I am married since 2000. I have a male child.My wife is a working lady doing Govt. service . Since 2017 I found her behavior towards me & my child has completely changed . She always used to tell lie .She has affair with one of her colleague . She is being completely supported by her family specifically her mother.Without my knowledge she borrowed around 10 lakhs from neighbors of my rented premise at high rate of interest. When the matter come to my knowledge I cleared 7 Lakhs taking loan from Bank . After that she took more loan & left me. Since then , I never inquired about her, never lodge FIR or apply for divorce.I tried to forget her. I have no affair or any mood for remarriage . Rather ,I took care of my child & after rigorous follow up & support , my son cleared NEET & continuing MBBS in Govt. college.My son is aware of everything.He also has no interest towards her mother. In the mean time she has cleared my bank loan & trying to come to me.For this she is pressurizing me.She has no changes.Please suggest what to do.I have no interest towards her.
Ans: Dear Chandra,
It is unfortunate that you have had to go through this. I am sure that you son also has been affected by all of this.
If I understand this correctly, is your wife attempting a reconciliation and wants to have her family back?
If you and your son have a clear decision on not wanting this, I suggest that the three of you meet and hear what she has to say.
Maybe she feels sorry for all that has happened. Hearing her will offer her some respite and also you can convey your decision on not getting back clearly in a respectful way.
Also, your son may or may not want to have a connection with his mother...but give that a chance as well and let them decide that...

All the best!
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Answered on May 12, 2023

Asked by Anonymous - May 04, 2023
Relationship
I am a 60 year old bachelor and leading a carefree life. 3 years back I met a 46 year old spinster from my office where I work and immediately fell in love with her. So much so that I have made my mail id password on her name. At her age she is a drop dead beauty. We get along like a house on fire. We have also gone to many places of tourist interest. We also have been physical quite a few times. Recently, I came to know that she is in a relationship with someone for the past 14 years. This someone happens to be a childhood friend aged 59 years and is married with 2 very grown up children. I have expressed my love to her and have asked her hand in marriage. She has been apprehensive and does not respond. Her father and siblings like my presence. What should I do? Please advice.
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
You want a relationship and she obviously doesn't! Or at least it does not seem that she is in love with you like you are with her.
She possibly is not interested in tying herself down into a commitment which is a personal choice of hers. Of course, you can have an honest conversation with her about it and express your intentions on a future with her clearly. Set a time period by which she thinks and gets back to you on her decision otherwise you will be left waiting. After consideration if she still feels strongly about not moving on your proposal, you have two choices!
Either you accept that she will be in a connection with the other person and you OR you can choose to move on as accepting that situation may not be easy.
So, essentially what you are doing is expressing and allowing her the time needed for consideration. You will also feel better knowing that you have made an honest attempt.

All the best!
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