I am a 41 yr old man. Married for the last 17 yrs, my wife is now 37 yrs old. w are Bengalis but now due t my work stay in Bengaluru. we had an arranged marriage but soon after the marriage I found her to be very irresponsible, she had the mentality that her husband has to be responsible for all her whims & fancies without any expectation from her. Though her family was more like ours middle class & financially poorer then us Initially I thought that she will mature with time. Within 1 yr we had our 1st kid who is 16 yrs old & in 11th now. Thinking she will now be responsible as mother but found very little change & I had to force/push her to do maternal duties while I managed the other things despite myself working as an engineer in an mnc & she being a housewife. next year we had our 2nd kid. This pressure was reflected in my office & my performance suffered, anyway I managed to stay afloat. Giving her any family task always resulted in her doing a coverup job & when things went wrong I had to set it right as the family or there will be monetary loss. Obviously I used to tell her about all this, then she will be OK for 1-2 weeks then again back to same. Even taking care of the children there studies soon became my responsibility. One thing was good was our sexual life which what I understand she is good & this gave me somewhat something to bear her Though other factor like middle class mentality that parents should not move out for the kids sake kept me somewhat tied to her & tried to make myself happy.Last year around June she told me that she will like to leave me as she wants to marry one of her telegu friend's brother who works in Dubai now, given my above reason I was not very upset on hearing this but was worried about our kids the eldest then gave his 10th exam & younger was promoted to class 10. After some talks & persuasion she agreed that she will wait for 3 yrs ie the younger kid to complete her schooling & going to college, & also keep the whole things secret with only 4-5 people knowing it, this she has responsibly done. Now its 1 year & I am in a very bad situation & need your support first she is now completely without any responsibility of the kids or family, she just cooks the meals sees that the maids work & even if I tell her to look into what the kids are studying or take the small responsibility like waking them up or minor things like go to the shop etc , she simply declines & always she is busy browsing or chatting, in Feb her to be husband came to Bangalore & she spend 2 nights with him in a resort. I did not want the kids to know about all this as it will mentally disturb them so I had to make stories to them about there mom going to a friend's marriage etc. He is again coming in mid July & they are planning to go out again.. My delima is I can bear the whole thing with a glimmer of hope that our separation maybe avoided which makes a somewhat social negativeness for me my parents & my kids but am I doing the right thing or being desperate is what I should be? The second point is something which I am feeling very uneasy to write, though we have decided to separate & she is having sex with this guy but we are still have sex, I dont want to really worry that she having sex with me is cheating with her to be husband but as I told you before it is really relaxing & gives me the strength to bear all this... Please suggest what I should do, immediately leave her which will end the story though I am not really ready if I & the kids will be able to take the social slur or wait for another 2 years with the hope that maybe things will change

Hi Anu, I am working in a central psu and my wife works for state govt and both are 48 yrs. We are married for 20 yrs and have 2 sons (20 &16). She is never expressive nor vocal, because of this our marital relationship have not seen even a single day of happiness. Her parents never ever made her realised that problem can be from her side too nor asked me even a single time whats is bothering me. She is over ambitious in her job and neglects everything in the personal life. This negligence started from the day 1 of the married life. She never try to understand the problem and reasons behind and just ignore and move ahead. This makes life miserable and likewise 20 yrs passed.. Its like when sons are moving out of home, I feel very much alone and sometimes feels to runaway from life...She dont show any emotions, giving the reasons that its her nature...She says loves me, but whats that love which is not felt by me for a single day...I wanted a wife not a nurse.. What to do....I lost my hope of life.

Hi Anu Its been 2 years since I got married and hv a 2 month old son. My wife is a qualified engineer and I am a consultant. My wife is showing hatred and anger towards my mom and dad. She thinks that they pampering me unnecessarily since me being a single child. Also we had a plan to settle down in abroad and started working towards that plan since marriage. Because of this we failed to understand ourselves both physically and mentally. My wife got admission masters degree in foreign university which she refused to go because we did not get physically intimate then. Also she tried pursuing the masters course from online thus quitting her job. So I started trying to go and settle in abroad meanwhile concentrating on intimacy as well. But in this process she understood that she loves her work more than anything else.Thus she rejoined her job again to another department with which she did not get the job satisfaction In the course of time, i got a job offer abroad to a different country other than the one we targeted. My wife is now blaming me that i was responsible for all the mess that happened inher life. She thinks that i cunningly used her to fullfill my abroad dreams. Also since ours was a arranged marriage , i could not develop any feelings for her as she is very average looking at the beginning and now since she is showing hatred towards me and my parents , unnecessary divorse thoughts are peeping up. Please help

Hi Anu, this is Rajkiran here, I am 34 years old I have been married 4 years back to a girl through the relatives reference. My wife is govt worker and she only has one independent parent which is her mother. The marriage happened in a very short time during corona period and we had healthy few chats of how we expect our life's to be and we were both in common understanding and when I asked what is her expectations then she said she had no expectations at all and go by how life takes on. I was happy that I got right match and I am person not into any relationships and nothing and this marriage relationship was so new and started loving her more and she was also the same. She had also no relationships and not interested in marriage but due to her mother's pressure she got married to me. She also started liking the relationship and valuing it After 6 months she was pregnant and she went to her mom's house to stay as she was feeling comfortable there and I aslo let her stay as she wishes. Child was born in 2022 April and problem started here We had to name the child and it's usually dad who names the child because its family tree and decendent. But my wife got in middle and said she wants name as suggested by her mother, the first fight started and later i compromised for child sake and I agreed to her on the naming of child. After the naming ceremony done her mother acted differently to me and she was looking for fight, my wife was also on the same route they were allowing me see my child once in a month and she also did not bother to spend time and let child because with me. I love to be with child but unfortunately I am not able to spend time with him. This made me feel suffocating inside and was feeling bad, one day we planned to bring child to my home along with my wife and she also agreed to stay for 3days and for some reason child was crying as it was new to adapt and new people. My wife used the situation to pull a fight with me and she said I want to go home saying child is crying and he will fall sick. I requested to wait for another few hours if he calms down and we will see but she didn't listen and got very pissed off and had cold war with her for week. She stopped talking and she stopped everything. I had no idea what was so wrong that I did and it so bad. I tired always to talk to her and she didn't give space to me and my feelings. From September 2022 we were not together till now. I December 2022 I approached marriage counselling for her and me to unite with her, she also had come for counseling as it was religious institution and she had no option to opt out. Counselling was done and she told that she will be coming my house in a Weeks time. After a week again same story she didnt turn back and she didnt even want to put one step to solve issue, adament nature and influence of her mother. I waited for a year and approached legally by filing petition on restitution of conjugal rights. I went through 2 hearings she is not turning back. I am left no where and for this sake why I should have married. I don't want another marriage or any i have great love for my child and even my wife whatso ever she does i just love her.

Hi Anu, I am 44 years old married Man with a 16 year old son. We had a love marriage, and I met my wife in college. She was beautiful when she was 18 and beyond gorgeous at 44 and has a very loving nature. She has attracted attention from young and old all her life and I know she would continue to do so. I also had the looks and charisma to woo a girl once upon a time, but years of work and family stress had made me an average middle-aged man. Around a year after our marriage, my wife had her first affair with a coworker, which I could find out immediately as in those days we used to have a common phone. She apologized and I forgot about it and never tried to dig deep into it. I later learnt she had developed a liking for a second coworker within a year (After I dig into the things that have happened to me over last 4-5 years). I still do not know if she had a second affair at that point of time, but she was in touch with that guy through messages and video calls till 2020. Our child was born 3 years after our marriage and for few years we had a harmonious relationship although we had our ups and downs. It was early in my career and I had taken a challenging job profile, where I was required to work for 10-12 hours on regular basis. I was there for her when she required but I was not omnipresent. There were times, when I neglected her as I was busy with my career. In addition, I slowly got more attached to my son, who was growing up and taking all the attention at home. In our relationship only she was complaining all the time and I simply kept doing things to please her. I wanted her to be independent and explore the world but residing under a same roof and raising the family and also allow me to achieve my career goals and fulfill the responsibilities of a Son. In between all these, we started to drift apart. Drifting apart didn’t mean we didn’t have sex or we became a non-functional family. We did have regular good sex 7 to 10 days apart and we travelled a lot together all these years as a happy family. Even after her known past affair, I never doubted on her integrity when she used to talk with her male friends/Office colleagues with doors closed. I got the first shock in our relationship, when she declined to move with me when I was transferred to a new location. I pleaded her to come with me as the location was on another corner of the country and it would not be possible for me to come and meet them even once in a month. But she didn’t agree. But God had other plans and after 2 years of living alone COVID stuck. During this period of uncertainty, she reluctantly agreed to move in with me. After I brought them with me, she kept avoiding me. She slept in a separate room and did not allow any kind of physical intimacy. This continued for about 4 months and then it stuck my mind :- Is she having an affair? One night I scanned all her call records, her facebook etc and I was devasted by what I found. She was having an affair with a guy who 12 years her junior and multiple hook-ups with others. When confronted she assured me she will end this but me and my Son caught her multiple times over the last 4 years even after the guy got married and relocated to another country. The last discovery was ugly as we had just come back from a vacation and my son just happen to find some obscene pictures of his mom sent to her married boyfriend. Even after all these, I try to remain calm most of the time as I did not want to disturb the peace of my home as my son is in most critical phase of his carrier. Over last 4 years, I did my part to become a better husband:- by giving her more time to understand her better, tried to listen to her, fulfilling all her wishes, help her in household chores, set her up in a new job etc. As on today, I have access to her phone, her email etc. Sometimes I feel I have made progress, but when it comes to bed, it all comes to naught. She’s really not the women I fell in love with. Over the years she has become very manipulative and secretive. She showers me with fake love to keep the family life going. She is otherwise a very dedicated Mother and takes good care of the house. There is no real love, no passion. When I question her, she asks me to go find love somewhere else. I think she has checked herself out of this relationship mentally quite sometime ago. I wonder how long I can handle this rejection on day to day basis. I still want to save this marriage where there is true spouse love. Do I stand a chance. - Anonymous