My fiance and I used to be so close when we were dating. We used to talk for hours, cuddle, and laugh so much. We recently decided to move in so we could spend more time together. But now, even when we're together, it feels like we're just roommates. I miss that spark. Is this normal? And how do we bring it back without forcing it?

Ans: Hi. I understand your frustration. It's completely natural to miss the early stage of romantic intensity in a long-term relationship.

And you're right, romance is an important part of a healthy marriage. It's perfectly valid to want to reignite that spark.

Here are some steps you can take to help your husband understand your concerns:

Communicate effectively

Focus on feelings, not accusations: Instead of saying "You're not romantic anymore!", share how his lack of romantic gestures makes you feel -- unloved, unappreciated, disconnected, unhappy, lonely, ...

Use "I" statements: Express your desire for more romance using phrases like "I would really appreciate it if...." or "I miss when we used to...." so that he does not feel he has to defend himself.

Actively listen to his perspective: Try to understand why he sees things differently. Perhaps work stress is affecting him or he does not know how to express his love differently.

Choose the right time and place: Avoid bringing it up when you're both tired or stressed. Pick a calm moment for a sincere conversation.

Brainstorm together

Instead of demanding specific gestures, discuss what "romance" means to both of you and brainstorm different ways he can express his love that resonate with you.

Schedule "romance time"

Block out dedicated time for romantic activities, even if it's just 30 minutes a week. Take turns planning dates, trying new things or revisiting activities you enjoyed earlier.

Acknowledge his efforts

Appreciate his non-romantic actions that show he cares, like sharing housework. Let him know these actions contribute to your overall feeling of love and security.

Consider professional help

If communication becomes difficult or you struggle to find common ground, consider seeking couples therapy. A therapist can provide a safe space for you both to express your needs and work towards solutions.

You’d get professional help when you are unwell or to file your taxes for example. Why not try it here as well if needed?

Remember:

Love evolves: While the initial passion may change, a deep and meaningful love can grow stronger over time. Focus on nurturing that deeper connection alongside rekindling romantic gestures.

It's a two-way street: Be willing to put in effort as well. Show your appreciation for him, plan romantic gestures for him and be open to his ideas for expressing love.

Be patient: Rebuilding romance takes time and consistent effort. Celebrate small victories and focus on the progress you make together.

Your sister might not fully understand your perspective but your feelings are valid. Don't give up on the romance; instead, find new ways to keep it alive in your marriage.

All the best.

Ans: Start by creating opportunities for meaningful interaction. Sometimes the daily routines and responsibilities can create emotional walls, so finding a calm and positive environment for conversation is key. You might begin by sharing your feelings in a way that emphasizes your own experience rather than pointing out what your partner might not be doing. For example, saying something like, "I've been feeling a little disconnected lately, and I miss the closeness we used to share," opens the door for dialogue without sounding accusatory.

Rekindling intimacy often starts with small, intentional efforts to reestablish connection. This might mean setting aside time for each other, even if it’s just a few minutes of uninterrupted conversation at the end of the day. Look for moments to express appreciation for your partner, as this can help rebuild emotional warmth and remind them of the value they bring to your life.

It’s also worth reflecting on whether external stresses might be contributing to the distance. If either of you has been overwhelmed by work, family, or personal challenges, addressing those together can foster a sense of partnership and mutual support. Similarly, revisiting shared memories or engaging in activities you used to enjoy together can help reignite the bond you once had.

Lastly, be patient and consistent. Emotional intimacy doesn’t always come back instantly, but with genuine effort, kindness, and an open heart, you can rebuild the connection over time. Consider it a journey you’re embarking on together, rather than something you need to fix alone. If you feel like external guidance might help, discussing this with a couples therapist could provide both of you with tools to strengthen your relationship in a supportive environment.

Ans: Dear Anonymous,
Obviously the initial spark dulls as the years go by; the key to keeping the spark alive is to do something different.

- Have someone like a relative or a close friend watch the baby as the two of you go on a date night
- Plan the weekend for a hobby together other than just household chores
- Steal a few cuddles and a little bit of intimacy off the bedroom

Marriage can get boring but that's because the laziness sets in due to the other person being so familiar. What if you put yourself back into the dating scene/ courtship days? Would you not go that extra mile to look good, to laugh more? Just do that...

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

Ans: Dear Anonymous,
If you mean whether you are going to feel a flutter in your heart every time you see your partner especially if you have been in a relationship for a while now, then the answer is NO...Well, if you still did, then WOW!
After a few months/years, as the freshness and newness fades, you start to get comfortable with one another, their moods, their habits etc. Things about them become quite predictable and this predictability is what can lead to some monotony and this is absolutely FINE as a relationship cannot be on a treadmill all the time. This is just a sign of a relationship maturing from the 'bubbly' dating phase.
Infuse it with a bit of spice by doing stuff together, having date nights and well, the list is yours to make. Accept the normal course of the relationship and still keep it alive by doing little and more for your partner. Sounds good?

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

Ans: Dear Anonymous,
Raising kids, family responsibilities and duties can somehow push the spark of marriage to a bare minimum and before you know it, the communication breakdown will make you believe that there the marriage is over. But it's far from over; in fact it's a wake-up call to RESET and plunge back into understanding why you married your wife and not just anybody else.
It's important to count on what you add to each other and value what you bring to the marriage. Once you neutralize it to a point where you are willing to put in the hard work necessary to reset the marriage, half your is done. Start with intimate (emotional) conversations and do things with one another. I always suggest date nights to bring back that fun and no-care in the world feeling, It can ignite a lot of passion back into the marriage. Start...

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/