Hi Madam, I am from Jaipur. My daughter is married in well off joint family having a baby of 2 years. My daughter is facing the following problem/s.
1. In their family, she has mother-in-law, her two sons (daughter is married to the elder son), the other son is also married with a working wife. My daughter is also working in a reputed multinational company.
2. We have raised our daughter with good values viz. always respect elders whether or not they reciprocate with love, keep good relations with all (elders and younger), to take care of home.
3. The problem is her mother-in-law is totally in favour of her younger daughter-in-law as she is from their caste. She gives more importance to the younger bahu than my daughter. No matter how much my daughter does for her mom-in-law and others in the family, she always finds fault with her. On the other hand, the younger daughter-in-law is very clever and shrewd and finds ways to butter mother-in-law and the sister-in-law (who is also married having 2 children, living separately). She does very less household work and still manages to get praise from all because of her shrewdness. My daughter doesn’t like doing buttering, lip-service.
4. My daughter is therefore continuously facing physical and mental stress due to all this. She shares her sufferings with me and I try to console her and advise her to tactfully handle situations as they arrive. Don’t take too much stress but I understand her situation.
5. My son-in-law though loves his wife but care more for his ageing mother and therefore doesn’t confront his mother, his bhabhi or his younger brother (who is also totally in favour of his wife i.e. younger daughter-in-law). He supports my daughter in private but doesn’t confront his mother whenever my daughter complains about her, saying mom might feel hurt.
6. The biggest problem is due to all this; my daughter is in great stress. Sometimes unable to cope with extreme situations surrounding her. She keeps sharing her thoughts and problems with me and I give her advice according to best my knowledge and experience.
I request for your expert advice on what action should we take so that my daughter can lead a normal, dignified life. Thanks.
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
It's almost impossible to change people BUT the way we respond to them is the only safe bet...
If your son-in-law openly supports your daughter, you know what it will do to the family; fights, arguments and if there's a rift your daughter will be blamed for it
If the only way is a joint family, then the way to approach this is quite straightforward and it's even better as your daughter is working, so very little time for interactions at home. Now, if your daughter chooses to be bothered by who's the better daughter-in-law and who does more work and who gets the praise, she's going to be stuck in this loop and there's no end to it.
Yes, I will ask her to ignore, do only what she can, not waiting for anyone to notice...seeing this change in behavior will definitely cause the family to notice it and who knows things may change.
If marriage only meant that one's efforts must be noticed and especially in a joint family, that is almost an impossibility as someone or the other is going to be unhappy with the efforts. Is your daughter going to chase this or is going to life her life?
As I mentioned earlier, trying to change someone will only end up in fights and if your daughter and her husband are ready for what will follow, then that's a choice that they need to make which is also fine.
All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/
