I am writing to seek advice on a personal matter that has been weighing heavily on me.
Several years ago, I became close to a neighbor who was in a very difficult situation. She was married at a very young age (around 14) and has a young child (now 6 years old). Her husband, who is much older (34 years old), was abusive, often drinking and mistreating her in front of others. She lost all her freedom and was unable to express her pain to him.
As her neighbor, I witnessed these daily struggles and tried to support her whenever her husband was not around. Over time, we developed a deep connection, and she expressed that she wanted only two things in life: her child and me. We have been in a relationship for almost five years. To help her, I arranged for her to stay with her parents in a distant village, far from her husband.
Despite the distance and the challenges, I supported her financially and emotionally. She eventually filed for divorce, and I assisted her throughout the legal process. After the divorce, she moved to a different location, and our communication ceased. I later learned that she was trying to enjoy the freedom she had missed, engaging in activities like visiting beauty parlors and socializing.
Currently, she is not responding to my calls and has disconnected from me entirely. She is living with her child and relying on her parents for financial support. My attempts to meet or communicate with her have been unsuccessful, and I am deeply troubled by this situation. I am struggling with her memories and the sudden distance she has created between us.
Now, I face pressure from my parents and relatives to get married, but I am conflicted. I care deeply for her and worry about her future, especially since she has no stable income. I am unsure how to proceed, as I do not want her to suffer, but I also cannot ignore my family's wishes.
I am reaching out to you for guidance. How should I navigate this difficult situation? I want to make a decision that is best for both of us, but I am struggling to find the right path.
Thank you for your time and understanding.
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
First of all, I am so glad she found someone as amazing and supportive as you in her time of need. I understand that you are going through a difficult time and it is also understandable that the sudden distance between the two of you has taken a toll on you. From a general well-wisher’s perspective, I would say you did a great job but now, maybe, it is time for you to move on because she does not seem to want to pursue a relationship with you. Now, that is just a general well-wisher’s perspective. There might be a lot of things that we are missing. She might be interested but conflicted because of her child, because of where she is coming from, or she might be merely more in love with freedom than you. Each one of the reasons is completely valid. So instead of taking an emotional call, your best bet is to be logical and weigh the pros and cons-
1. Take some time to understand your feelings- do you want her to be with you or are you more concerned about her well-being? These two do not have to be mutually exclusive, but which is more important will guide you to make the right call.
2. I am sure you have tried to communicate with her, but try it once again and this time, instead of asking for an explanation or expressing how her absence is making you feel, tell her that you understand and wanted to let her know that you are happy that she is happy. Sometimes acceptance can do wonders.
3. Give her space. She has been in bounds for the longest time. How precious freedom is, only the ones who have been captive can understand. Understand that this is not about you; it is about her.
4. Now, if you have a family member you can trust, share your story with them. See how they react to it. You will get a rough idea of how the rest of the family will take the news of you wanting to commit to her. If it isn’t positive, it might not be a good idea to put her through it after all she suffered.
5. But even if you decide to respect your family’s wishes, you do not need to rush. Explain to them that you need time.
6. Don’t rush even if you get a positive response from both her and your family. Take the time to comprehend if a future with her will be aligned with your preferences, goals, and values.
Ultimately, the decision should be yours and yours only. It should be according to your values and not family or societal pressure.
Also, please feel free to consult a professional counselor who can help you in this situation in a more structured way.
Best Wishes.