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Anu

Anu Krishna  |1046 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Nov 30, 2022

Anu Krishna is a mind coach and relationship expert.
The co-founder of Unfear Changemakers LLP, she has received her neuro linguistic programming training from National Federation of NeuroLinguistic Programming, USA, and her energy work specialisation from the Institute for Inner Studies, Manila.
She is an executive member of the Indian Association of Adolescent Health.... more
Unknown Question by Unknown on Nov 30, 2022Hindi
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Relationship

I am a 25-year-old woman who is still not settled in life.
I loved my relative who is 10 years older than me. He also not settled in life. He doesn't have property, no good family (his brothers are not good).
When he asks about marriage I used to delay because of my career.
At one point of time, he lost interest because of this delay. He is a good person but when we are spending time I am not much comfortable and excited as I was in the initial days of love – be it chats or calls. Recently I chatted with a stranger in Facebook and felt happier chatting with him than with my boyfriend.
Somewhere I feel like I want to cut this relationship but I can't imagine him with our girls.
If I marry him I won't get good family (relatives). He is not looking as good as he did before.
 Will I suffer any sexual issues with him in the future? He is still waiting for me.

Ans:

Dear Unknown,

It seems like you have moved away in mind and heart.

It does happen in few relationships as there might have not been a strong emotion attached when the relationship began, or the emotion ceases to exist as you have moved on and changed.

Good or bad? Neither…it happens.

Be rightful and do not lead him on.

It is not his fault that you feel the way that you do. But you do owe it to him to tell him how you feel now, so that he is not living in a love bubble.

So, break it to him gently and wait for his response. It maybe anger, sadness, disappointment.

Be with him through the process. He may not want to speak with you for a while till he gets a chance to process it fully; accept that. He may blame you; accept that as well.

It is not your fault, but he will not have any other safe space to vent out his feelings. And once this stage has passed, discuss it very maturely together as to what the next steps can be.

Till then, it will be only you dealing with this in the relationship when it has to be the business of both.

And as far as sexual issues go, I don’t find any relevance of it as age gap never hurt anyone’s sex life.

And what do his relatives have to do in your relationship? It’s the two of you (if you choose to be together mutually) and anyone else is just an unnecessary add-on piling on to make more mischief. Draw boundaries and live happy.

Now, time to come out clean and then maturely process and decide the future course of action.

My best wishes to you!

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Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Apr 13, 2022

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Hi Anu, my story is quite big. I am 43 and I love a man of my caste who is 52. He is not married and my father had showed me his profile in 2006 for marriage. Those days I was not interested in marriage and so I rejected him. I saw his profile in March 2019 in matrimony and sent him interest and he gave me a reply. I fell in love with his profile in 2020 and further gave him reply on his mobile. I went to see him in Pune in 2020 October. Since then we have only been chatting on WhatsApp. When I asked for commitment in Feb 2021, he said his sister is not keeping well. Then he lost his father in August 2021. Earlier in 2020 he used to call me and we used to talk for hours. It all stopped in 2021 February when his sister fell sick. Now I stopped messaging him but he still keeps sending me some or other forwards. He says he wants to marry me (He said this Jan last year when I asked him if he is interested in marriage) but this year has been tough. I am really fed up of the delay. I still love him very much. He is very intelligent and professionally qualified and has good hobbies -- he is a Himalayan trekker and has sent me pics of his trek. He also encourages me to do many things but I am bored of the delay. Should I trust him and wait for him?
Ans:

Dear VG,

It looks likely that when you sent him your interest request, your feelings were from 2006. But hey, everyone has grown older and wiser since then.

Also, to expect him to have the same level of interest that you have, isn’t wise as he has led a different life to yours.

What happens is when we start our lives together when we are younger, we merge on a lot of ideals and thoughts.

When the same marriage/companionship/relationship happens when we are older, having had separate experiences and a different life, we might not have much in common in terms of thoughts and way of being in life.

Given that, have an honest chat with him face to face, and express what you want out of this connection.

Give him time to process his own life, his needs, his wants, his priorities and then get back to you.

If he is clearly not into this, no point waiting for him and tugging at your heart strings.

So the only way that I feel is to have a mature face to face talk where both of you have space to be assertive and communicate boldly. It will help both of you to decide what’s best.

All the best!

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Dating Coach - Answered on Jun 23, 2023

Asked by Anonymous - Jun 16, 2023Hindi
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Hi Madam, I am 36 yrs old girl, working in central govt, I lost my parents long back, all my siblings are elder & busy in their family, brothers doesnt even talk to me, so there is no one who is seriously finding boy for my marriage, I tried through matrimonial apps, it didnt work. Based on my colleague advise, I tried through dating apps but nobody is genuine there, most of them are looking for hook up. Finally I found one guy who is 3 years elder than me but come to know within 3months that he too married but we are in touch through calls & msgs from past 6 years, since I stay alone at quarters, he met me more than 30 times at my place, even spent nights with me but never forced me for anything that I dont like. I love him a lot but he is married so I dont want have physical relationship with him but I too have biological urges but I am scared of getting pregnant or even loosing virginity which might affect my marriage, at the same time I dont have any hopes left on my marriage. This guy has lots of patience , we meet, drink together , do all things except intercourse , could you pls advise me whether I should have sex with him? also I stopped using dating apps as I love this guy.
Ans: I read your question a few times...I will respond it in 3 parts
Part 1:
Current relationship with someone who is not available - You are 36 and are smart to take life decisions. You can do as you wish but incase you get intimate - keep it to that only. Do not let your emotions come to play and get used to him - treat this relationship as a casual relationship which it is already. As for getting pregnant - take precautions, but more than pregnancy you should be worried about STD's hope this man is clean. As for you stopping your search because of this man - Remember - He is NOT AVAILABLE - so rethink why are you being available for someone who is not available to you. You and only you are responsible for your current situation. You have the mind to decide if you wish to continue to know or him or stop this relationship.

Part 2:
Finding someone compatible/ likeminded can become easy if you are (a) not in a hurry (b) know your dealbreakers and negotiables (c) feel confident and good about yourself...if you have these things in place then you would need patience and with that you will find your person - online or offline.

Part 3:
Its unfortunate you lost your parents - a virtual hug coming your way. While parents and sibling do help in introducing their people to others its wrong to Expect them to help - its your relationship and its ok to find your person, in fact its awesome to do so.

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Dating Coach - Answered on Jan 06, 2024

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Hi, I am struck in a morally complicated situation right now. Kindly guide me . I'm a modern woman yet who believes in culture. I am 24years old female from South India. Currently arrange marriage alliance process is going on and it is almost about to be finalized if i say yes. I have had a 3 serious relationship s in my past and the last one i was physically involved because i believed we would end up together. Even our families were involved we were about to get engaged. everything went fine until one day we had a huge fight and later as a result he didn't want to continue it anymore. He broke it off. This happened 1.5 years back and I loved him too much that I wanted him to comeback. Deep down i know he was not right guy for me yet i wanted him. About 2 months back I had a sudden realisation that hit me very bad I realised I need to move on and mentally I was able to disconnect myself from him, not completely but yeah i did. Now in the current situation the guy who is my potential fiance, I want to be transparent with him but I am not sure how well he will take it as we barely know each other. I met him only twice. He seems interested to marry me. I do not want to ruin his trust or feelings. The problem is I am not sure if he is open minded enough to accept my past. I'm willing to put in my efforts to make things work in marriage and keep my past behind me. If I tell him about my past and he is not interested to proceed and reject us my family will be upset ( they liked this match cuz the guy was nice and decent, his family and everything was convenient to them). I am totally stressed out as my family is waiting for my response to proceed further. The guy doesn't seem to be very particular about anything. I don't know what to do and how to do it.
Ans: I totally understand your concern. My advise is not to get into arrange marriage in the first place. Because that's a very transactional relationship. Go out, meet more guys and then see if you find someone you love. You are too young to give into the pressure of arrange marriage. However if you still want to proceed, then whether you tell him or not doesn't really matter. It depends on his mindset and value system which i have no idea about and probably you too. So even if you don't tell him, it doesn't matter. If you want to be honest which is a good thing, then you embrace that uncertainty of his reaction to it.

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Dating, Relationships Expert - Answered on Apr 22, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Apr 20, 2024Hindi
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I am a 26 years old girl completed my studies, trying to get a job, 2 years back I fell in love online with a man of 32 years old, we have not met yet physically. He is working on a very small salary in a village i.e. his hometown. He can't get a good government job or private job now due to lack of experience and age. We love each other a lot with all our flaws. My family is strictly against it due to caste difference, low salary, he lives 1600 km away, background differences. Overall they don't trust him and our love and are emotionally blackmailing me to get married with someone they choose. And the thought alone of leaving him makes me sad
Ans: Dear Anonymous,

I am sorry for the challenges you are facing. I understand how difficult it must be to leave a person you love. Having said that, I would also like to point out that living a decent life is not cheap. You are currently unemployed and your partner has a low salary; it will not be sustainable in the long run. I am not asking you to leave him and marry someone else; all I am suggesting is don't rush. Take the time to find a decent job and ask your partner to do the same. Once you think you both are earning a good amount of money, put forth the idea of your marriage again to your parents.

Now the most important thing, you have met him online and never met him in real life. Is it worth taking this kind of risk before verifying everything in person? I am sure he is genuine but there is no harm in cross-checking. And I can't really blame your parents for having their doubts. Please don't rush. One wrong decision can ruin the rest of your life. Take your time, think this through, and meet him in person, most likely in your city and in a public space. Do a thorough background check. It is easy to get fooled when you are in love.

Again, please don't rush. You have your whole life ahead of you.

Best Wishes

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Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jun 17, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Jun 17, 2024Hindi
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Hey, I am in a relationship with my cousin who is 14 years elder than me. In 2010 we met and it is 2024 we are talking regularly without any gap, we came into a relationship in 2015 I guess. He got married to a girl in 2018 because his parents was old-age and ask him to marry, he was not mentally prepared for the married but somehow he had to. Now he has a baby 3 years old. He does not have any emotional connection with his wife as we are still in a relationship from 2015. We are in love deeply and we cant leave without each other. We do fight we resolve every time. As we have age-gaps we have different opinions, nothing is same between us, but still we manage to live together. We have physical relations too. We meet almost every month. He has sacrificed lots of things for me, and he is always there with emotionally, financially and morally. He is short temper person he cant even see me talking with other boys. Now i feel so worried about him thinking how he will be alive if I will marry, because it is a tough life in my life, my parents are looking a boy for me. I dont know how things will go on.
Ans: Navigating your relationship with your cousin, given its complexities, requires careful thought about your future and well-being.

Reflect on your emotional needs and future aspirations. Your relationship has been a deep and supportive connection, but it's important to evaluate if it continues to fulfill you. Consider whether you see a long-term future with your cousin, despite the challenges.

Your cousin's marriage and role as a father complicate things. Even if he feels disconnected from his wife, his responsibilities to his child and spouse are significant. Consider how your relationship impacts his family and what it means for his child’s future.

Cultural and societal norms around cousin relationships and significant age gaps can add additional pressures. Reflect on how your relationship fits within your family’s expectations and societal views.

Open communication with your cousin is crucial. Discuss your feelings, the impact on his family, and potential paths forward. Seeking guidance from a professional counselor can provide support and perspective, helping you navigate these complexities.

As your parents seek a match for you, think about your desires and how they align with your relationship. If you consider moving on, plan how to manage this transition for both you and your cousin. If you continue your relationship, address his family responsibilities and societal perceptions.

Ultimately, your decision should prioritize the well-being of all involved, including yourself. Making a choice with clear consideration of these factors will help you find a path that aligns with your values and future goals.

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Nayagam P

Nayagam P P  |2230 Answers  |Ask -

Career Counsellor - Answered on Jul 21, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Jul 20, 2024Hindi
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Career
Sir, i have completed my bachelors (BCA) in India in an engineering college and wishes to pursue my masters in a foreign country.My family is'nt well off so iam looking into schlorships.can you suggest some courses with good scope. Also which countries are best for IT field that provide great schlorship oppurtunities.
Ans: As far as Scholarships for Abroad Universities are concerned, you should have good scores from the entrance tests (whichever will be applicable according to the University's admission criteria), good past academic records, your extra and co-curricular activities, additional certifications, your Statement of Purpose (SOP), Letter of Recommendation etc. Those who have gained work experience of a minimum 2-3 years after graduation get preference in admission.

And most of the Universities do not provide 100% scholarships. You will have to bear some expenses (depends upon which University / College you get admission into & what all expenses only it will cover?) .

As you have mentioned that your parents NOT well-off financially, it is suggested to work for 2-3 years, earn some money and also gain work experience, then go for further education abroad.

Before approaching any Professional Abroad Education Consultant, do a thorough research about the Countries/Universities/Programs, shortlist those which you think will be most suitable, apply to 5-6 top Univerities offering Scholarships and finalize one best University/College for you.

All the BEST for Your Bright Future.

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