I have been married for 9 years now with 3 kids. But my husband negates everything I say to him thinking I want to hurt him.
When he says something and I try to see it the other way, he sees it as confrontational and also flares up during the conversation. He does not allow me to talk saying he already knows what is in mind. He complaints about everything in the house. In terms of sex, he does not want to know if I am tired or sick.
Even though we usually make love at least two times in a week, he talks as if he is denied of his rights. He says any time he wants, he must have it.
The main issue now is I’ve noticed he has locked his phone. I know he has a date with someone because he told me he has a concert to attend and won't be coming home that night. When I asked if I could go with him, he said No. Now that I have also locked my phone, he's accusing me of infidelity.

Dear SR,

Straight and upfront; how much do you want to make this marriage work?

Do you feel he wants to be in this marriage as well?

Are you being a convenient façade for him to be the loving married husband with a child and then go behind your back to another woman?

Are you allowing yourself to be blackmailed into suppressing your doubts about him so that he will still be in the marriage?

What you can do further is bring in a neutral person to bring his ‘floating on the sky party’ to the ground.

His immaturity at not being able to be a father to his child at the time when his wife needs his emotional support needs to be addressed.

Ask an elder member to step in and bring some much needed sense into him so that there is an effort put into bringing you and him on the talk table for a much needed conversation to set things right.

You can do this, remember, you are a woman and now a mother who is strong and knows what she wants.

Step in and take charge and never allow yourself to be cowed down by anyone.

Be YOU and all the best!

Dear GH,

So, there’s someone in your home who lives for free and also wants to go out and seek pleasure and who will not even address the issue at hand.

Why exactly are you with him? He’s in it for the money that you bring in and someone to take care of him and his children and also who overlooks his infidelity.

He certainly has hit the jackpot with you. Now, why exactly do you want to still be with him?

If you feel that he will be willing to be counselled, kindly take him to an expert who can work with him and help you both put your marriage on track, else I am sure you know what situation you are in currently and how this has begun to affect the children as well.

Self-care is something that we don’t pay attention to and slowly it starts to eat away our peace of mind.

Do the right thing for you and for the children as well. Plan now for a future without him and see how prepared you are and whether it is something that you can manage. If not, you will have to accept him for who he is and move along life.

Simply do the right thing. All the best!

Dear SS,

It is hard to walk out of an abusive relationship and when children are involved, you want to stretch it on longer.

But have you considered how this has already affected their minds?

Children from violent and abusive backgrounds do not grow up steady and face a lot of challenges later in life.

Now, coming back to you…Hasn’t it hurt your ego and pulled down your self-esteem? I am sure it already has hurt you beyond and more.

Usually, I never ever tell people what to do, but make my suggestions and share perspectives so that the mind has clarity to decide what’s best for them in their context.

But here, I am telling you this and listen hard…Physical abuse is a NO NO.

If what you say that his behaviour has changed, then I believe that he isn’t physically abusive anymore.

I do understand you are giving him the long rope for the sake of the children, but when the parents are unhappy, what environment will the children grow in?

Ask your family to step in as you are going to need their care and support hereon.

Take one day at a time and evaluate on a daily basis what his presence in your life is doing to you.

Is it draining you and keeping you on the edge or is it getting better with him improving?

This will clearly indicate what you need to be doing as the next step.

Just remember to value yourself every moment and make yourself your own priority first.

All the best!

Dear XY,

And may I ask what exactly are you waiting for?

Why did you think that by you going for counselling, your husband will change his behaviour towards you?

How is that he cheats on you and still you allow him to treat you this way?

This only shows that you have lost your strength which you need most right now.

What if you were a strong independent woman who has been working?

Would you still subject yourself to this? You know the answer!

Bring back that woman who had dreams, who knew how to walk the path, who knew how a man should treat her, who knew what a marriage really is.

Can you do this?

Your kids need their mother to stand up for herself and do the right thing.

Be the woman who will not settle for anything that disrespects a woman or another human.

Seeing this, they will also know how to treat a woman and what a woman can bring into their lives.

Do the right thing, for yourself and them. Bring back that strong, independent woman who knew this and more.

Best wishes!

Dear VS,

You are married to a man who gets his self-esteem and validation by showing you in poor light, exercises control by telling you who your professional/social circle should be, makes you weak by detaching you from your parents and those who are your support system.

Does this put things into perspective for you as to where you are in within your marriage?

Once you fulfil the above, he might be willing to somewhat accept you, but there will be constant new demands to keep his self-esteem high. It’s all about him, him, and him.

Does he need to visit a professional who can guide him to a better way of thinking? Yes, but that will happen only when he acknowledges his false sense of existence and flushed ego.

If that is possible, do visit a professional who can help him ably and then he might be able to see the marriage in a new light and his contribution towards it.

Till then, this seems to be a battle with a child who is adamant about getting one candy and then another and yet another and then crying out loud when denied.

The child is absolutely growing up in an emotionally challenging environment and this will obviously affect his growth, both physically and emotionally.

I am glad you have been thinking about what to do and now you know what an absolute must-have for the marriage is, to continue.

He must change the way he thinks and acts and treats you like his partner and not someone who was married to him for his sense of validation and self-esteem.

Be wise, watch and decide!

All the best!