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Anu

Anu Krishna  |1267 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Apr 27, 2022

Anu Krishna is a mind coach and relationship expert.
The co-founder of Unfear Changemakers LLP, she has received her neuro linguistic programming training from National Federation of NeuroLinguistic Programming, USA, and her energy work specialisation from the Institute for Inner Studies, Manila.
She is an executive member of the Indian Association of Adolescent Health.... more
RT Question by RT on Apr 27, 2022Hindi
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Relationship

 I have been married for 9 years now with 3 kids. But my husband negates everything I say to him thinking I want to hurt him.
When he says something and I try to see it the other way, he sees it as confrontational and also flares up during the conversation. He does not allow me to talk saying he already knows what is in mind. He complaints about everything in the house. In terms of sex, he does not want to know if I am tired or sick.
Even though we usually make love at least two times in a week, he talks as if he is denied of his rights. He says any time he wants, he must have it.
The main issue now is I’ve noticed he has locked his phone. I know he has a date with someone because he told me he has a concert to attend and won't be coming home that night. When I asked if I could go with him, he said No. Now that I have also locked my phone, he's accusing me of infidelity.

Ans:

Dear RT,

He’s playing the cool guy who wants it all and when doesn’t get it wants to act all hurt and instead of taking responsibility of his emotions finds it convenient to blame you and make you feel guilty for not fulfilling his emotional and physical needs.

How do you solve something like this? Kindly ask him to speak to someone who can make him see sense else all you will do is clean up the mess caused by his baseless emotions.

This will be the constant pattern until he realises that his self-esteem and self-worth are not something that others can create for him.

If he refuses external help, do ask a person close to him to drive some sense into his thoughts where he sees an alternate perspective.

To keep your sanity intact, dissociate from his emotions and start behaving like they don’t impact you; over time you will realise that he is just trying to be a child asking for your attention in an inappropriate way.

Take time our for yourself to indulge in a lot of self-care and self-love that will go a long way in managing your emotions and self-worth as well.

Depending on him for your sanity at this point in time is like hitting your head against the wall.

So, be right to yourself from this moment on and make sure that you spend a lot of time nurturing the children as much as you nurture yourself.

All the best!

You may like to see similar questions and answers below

Anu

Anu Krishna  |1267 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Apr 13, 2022

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Relationship
 Hi I’m 24 years old and have been married for 3 years now.My husband and I thought we had plenty of fights we did made it up and moving on as we love each other a lot. But last year after we had our first child, (even before that) I could see that he has changed a lot.Because of my delivery I came to my parents’ house in my 5th month and till today I’m still here .In this new year I found out that he is talking to the same girl about whom we had a fight when I was 3 months pregnant.He said 'Nothing is going on between us. Please trust me and all' because he claims her to be his friend.This year around New Year when he visited me I got to see the same girl and him taking selfies standing close to each other. And in one pic he also kissed her on her cheeks.My heart broke when I saw that pic. When I confronted him he said that nothing wrong had happened, ‘we are just friends.’ He said ‘It will never happen again I swear on my child.’But he never answered my question on why he had to take such a pic with her that day and that too it was pic taken after my delivery when he left home saying he had some important office work .He loves me with his words. But I’m not able to make out in some situations if it’s true or not.Nowadays he insists that I shouldn’t call him on purpose to ask idiotic questions about my lunch or my health and even to show our baby on call. He said I should call only if there is something important. Even if he calls me, he says he wants to see the baby. He said he wanted some peace from me cause I am torturing him. He said this after we quarelled about that girl.Please help me with what I should do further. I am not able to figure it out. Thanks in advance.
Ans:

Dear SR,

Straight and upfront; how much do you want to make this marriage work?

Do you feel he wants to be in this marriage as well?

Are you being a convenient façade for him to be the loving married husband with a child and then go behind your back to another woman?

Are you allowing yourself to be blackmailed into suppressing your doubts about him so that he will still be in the marriage?

What you can do further is bring in a neutral person to bring his ‘floating on the sky party’ to the ground.

His immaturity at not being able to be a father to his child at the time when his wife needs his emotional support needs to be addressed.

Ask an elder member to step in and bring some much needed sense into him so that there is an effort put into bringing you and him on the talk table for a much needed conversation to set things right.

You can do this, remember, you are a woman and now a mother who is strong and knows what she wants.

Step in and take charge and never allow yourself to be cowed down by anyone.

Be YOU and all the best!

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Anu

Anu Krishna  |1267 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jun 08, 2022

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Relationship
Hi Anu, I am 36 year old woman. I am married for 9 years with two kids. My marriage was never a happy one. We had lots of arguments and fights even before marriage. I broke my engagement but later he convinced me that he will always keep me happy but it turned out to be an abusive marriage. He started beating me every now and then after my son was born. I also filed police complaint thrice. After which he improved a lot may be because of fear and shame. Meanwhile I also cracked government exam and got a very good job. Things were okay but after my daughter's birth last year his behaviour changed. He is not interested in physical relationship any more. He says that after our daughter's birth he's started to respect women. I tried to talk to him many times but all in vain. I don't know what to do now. I don't want to leave him for the sake of children.Now I want to live my life happily with my children and let him do whatever he wants. I don't know if I am right or wrong.He takes money from me whenever required but never spends money on my personal needs. Sometimes I feel he is with me only for money and doesn't love me. I am confused. Help.PS: He is taking good care of children and household.
Ans:

Dear SS,

It is hard to walk out of an abusive relationship and when children are involved, you want to stretch it on longer.

But have you considered how this has already affected their minds?

Children from violent and abusive backgrounds do not grow up steady and face a lot of challenges later in life.

Now, coming back to you…Hasn’t it hurt your ego and pulled down your self-esteem? I am sure it already has hurt you beyond and more.

Usually, I never ever tell people what to do, but make my suggestions and share perspectives so that the mind has clarity to decide what’s best for them in their context.

But here, I am telling you this and listen hard…Physical abuse is a NO NO.

If what you say that his behaviour has changed, then I believe that he isn’t physically abusive anymore.

I do understand you are giving him the long rope for the sake of the children, but when the parents are unhappy, what environment will the children grow in?

Ask your family to step in as you are going to need their care and support hereon.

Take one day at a time and evaluate on a daily basis what his presence in your life is doing to you.

Is it draining you and keeping you on the edge or is it getting better with him improving?

This will clearly indicate what you need to be doing as the next step.

Just remember to value yourself every moment and make yourself your own priority first.

All the best!

..Read more

Anu

Anu Krishna  |1267 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Sep 22, 2022

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Relationship
I am from Hyderabad. Age 40 years old . My name is XY and I’ve been married for 17 years. I have two boys. Ours is a love marriage.I felt like everything will be good and smooth but right after our elder kid was born my life changed. I am an MBA and several times I told my husband that I’d like to work. He said he’d help when the right time and opportunity comes. Until then I should nurture my kids as it's my responsibility and I should support him. But in the 2015, my kid noticed his chats with another lady. I was shocked because many times he’d refused sex with me. We’d get intimate maybe twice or thrice a year. I thought he was busy or maybe he doesn’t like my body. But when I caught him he said, what is over is over. Don't raise the topic. Leave me. I just kept quiet. He said what ever happened, I will be the same for my kids’ future sake. Many quarrels happened. But in 2020 his behaviour came to light. For example if I said anything, he'd punish me by not speaking to me for months. But he'd want me to wash his clothes and fulfil other necessities at home.Once I opened up and said I want to go for counselling. There he told the doctor, ‘She wants my property but she never allows me to care of my mom. She won't allow me to talk to my friends.’ I was shocked. I told him 'I never asked for money or property. I just want to quit.' I went home and told myself if he repeats this another time I won't take it for granted. But again in the month of February, he continued his behaviour. He shifted to another bedroom for a few months where he’d watch TV and have food. He'd even sleep in the kids’ bedroom. I stopped bothering. At some point, I felt like I deserved someone who trusts me.I want to quit because he thinks I am a loyal maid who will take care of kids and the household. He communicates with like ‘What I should get? Milk veggies etc?’ He never treats me with love and affection. Now everything is spoiled. I want to have a new life. I want to be set free from him. Please suggest what to do.
Ans:

Dear XY,

And may I ask what exactly are you waiting for?

Why did you think that by you going for counselling, your husband will change his behaviour towards you?

How is that he cheats on you and still you allow him to treat you this way?

This only shows that you have lost your strength which you need most right now.

What if you were a strong independent woman who has been working?

Would you still subject yourself to this? You know the answer!

Bring back that woman who had dreams, who knew how to walk the path, who knew how a man should treat her, who knew what a marriage really is.

Can you do this?

Your kids need their mother to stand up for herself and do the right thing.

Be the woman who will not settle for anything that disrespects a woman or another human.

Seeing this, they will also know how to treat a woman and what a woman can bring into their lives.

Do the right thing, for yourself and them. Bring back that strong, independent woman who knew this and more.

Best wishes!

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Anu

Anu Krishna  |1267 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jun 24, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Jun 24, 2024Hindi
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Relationship
Hi Anu Mam, I'm 36 yrs. old my husband is 46 now we have 2 sons. Before marriage my husband was in love with another girl. under pressure of parents that girl married to someone else and left city. later few months we got married. For few days of marriage everything was good he used to treat me nice and use to take out for shopping outing etc. i got pregnant he same year during my pregnancy he had to go to abroad for office work for 8 months, so gap came between us. he completely changed he minimized talking, chatting with family. we ignored may be due to work pressure he became like that. later i came to know he is interested in meeting new ppl especially ladies going with them for lunch dinner n all. after few years he met ex-girlfriend without our knowledge stayed with her few days. so, years passed he ignored us and always scolding getting angry with little things he started maintain distance with us. after 8 yrs. again i got pregnant. He used to go for site visits to other places he stayed back at hotels going with other Females spending time with them. through Facebook he made lot of friends always doing videocalls and chatting with them. everything i knew but i confronted him he uses to scold and flies from the spot saying if u want to stay, stay or else get lost. because of kids i had to stay. now he is renting a house in a same city where we live, (agreement was in his laptop bag) and we don't know what is going on? he never shares and opens anything with us. I asked him many times if u don't want to live with me divorce. He never liked me in this marriage he is always treating me anger. I feel loneliness in my life. Need help what should i do?
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
It must surely be shocking BUT over the years I am sure you would have felt it all slipping away...
He's just in the marriage with no great emotional connect with you; I don't know how he's with the children.
Knowing that over the years, he has not any great attempt to work on the marriage and bond with his family, do you feel that he is going to do that in the future?
Rather than 'BEG' for his time and attention, what if you started to focus on yourself and your children and start afresh? He's anyway living elsewhere...can you take this opportunity and actually figure out what you want from life, from your marriage?
Are you willing to be unsettled like the way you are now even 10 years from now?
A few answers will hit you hard; BUT don't waste anymore time waiting and watching for someone to accept you. It maybe an endless wait-game.
Of course, you do have an option of asking an elder member of the family to step in and intervene and hope that he will have a change of heart. But, be prepared to take a strong stance where required. He's doing this even more as he realizes that you are weak and won't object and 'anything goes' with you.
NO, it doesn't, right? Then buck up and speak for yourself. Whatever it is, come from a place of strength. Try the route of familial intervention first and then a lot will be clear as the way forward for you.

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

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Ravi

Ravi Mittal  |395 Answers  |Ask -

Dating, Relationships Expert - Answered on Nov 05, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Sep 15, 2024Hindi
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Relationship
I am 50 years old and got married 15 years ago. I am a very spontaneous sort of a guy and enjoy life, partying etc. I was also very active socially.My wife being the complete opposite put a stop to all that once we got married. She also does not display any affection and has no interest in physical intimacy. She is just concerned with her housework.We also have lot of differences in mental attitude & intellectual abilities. At no stage will we ever seperate, however, I am unhappy with her nature. She has lot of friends, however is always at daggers drawn with in her in laws. We had to stay separately for 6 months, and I tried looking for love else where, however after a couple of months, I realised, that I missed her. I am in a quandary. Despite requesting her to work on our relationship, I get no response. Please advise on how to proceed.
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
I understand you are in a tough spot. But it's nice to see that after all those years of differences, you still have genuine feelings for her. I strongly suggest considering marriage counseling. From your description of your marriage, it seems to be there have been issues from the very beginning of it. It's been too long and now those issues must've become deep-rooted. Seeing a professional can be a game-changer. They can guide you out of this slump more methodically and help you navigate the emotions you are feeling right now. It can also help you understand the reasons for your wife's disinterest and handle it better.

Best Wishes

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Ravi

Ravi Mittal  |395 Answers  |Ask -

Dating, Relationships Expert - Answered on Nov 05, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Nov 02, 2024Hindi
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Relationship
Hii, I have an love marriage after 9 years of dating and 6 years, 2 children post marriage, my little one is 11 months old now. My husband has an affair upto chatting to someone in his company, his junior but in different department, when my Lil one was 1 month old, we had in a rough patch then due to child birth and family drama. When I saw it and confronted him, he said he is sorry and won't do it again, we had multiple fights for 3-4 months after then due to same reason, but he mostly listen and consol. It's been a lot of mental torture for me. I love my husband a lot and he is a good person, but sometimes sill I see her msg in his phone asking for small helps or casual msg. She is also married. I am not sure my husband deletes msg or what, I am not able to get over this. Before it, this is was preety much a good relationship. I am highly educated and independent women. I don't want anything form my husband apart from love. What should I do, whenever I tell him I want to just leave and let him have his life, he won't let me somehow. We are having a good physical relationship 2-4 times a week( just to tell where we are). Please help me...I can't overcome that he is making fool of me...
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
I am sorry to hear you are in such a tough spot. I would suggest considering marriage counseling. A professional who can help you both tackle these issues would be helpful in this situation. I understand that it was his mistake and he needs to put the effort to make you trust him again, but since you are still together, you will also have to put in the effort to let it. I know it is difficult and that's where marriage counselor comes in. They can help you navigate these feelings. Moreover, if he is indeed hiding something, therapy can help that come out in the open.

Hope this helps.

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Ravi

Ravi Mittal  |395 Answers  |Ask -

Dating, Relationships Expert - Answered on Nov 05, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Sep 10, 2024Hindi
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Relationship
Hi, Me(M38) and wife(F37) happily married for 12 years and blessed with one daughter. Partner(F28)continuing friendship with a person[M] who had crush on her before marriage considered emotional infidelity? Me(M38) and wife(F37) happily married for 12 years and blessed with one daughter. My wife is having friendship (strictly platonic) with a guy from her 10tlh grade (same class). Before our marriage (she may be doing her college, our relationship just started may be 2 weeks) this guy told her he has genuine interest in her and he want to take the relationship further if she wants, she said she is not interested in a relationship and she got committed, she always saw him as a friend, no other feelings for him and we can be friends if you don't bring any romantic interest again. He never took this talk again ever after and happy to be a friend. They are talking as friends. She got married to me. He also got married. They still do chats once in a month. She introduced me to him and visited his home when we visited his city. He also came to our home once (me and my family was there). She used to update me with chat she had with him and the content they are chatting. I am ok with that When we were talking about our school life and college life 2 years before. She said this guy had crush on her during her college days. I asked her, why did not she tell me this info till now. She said it is not purposely, she does not feel the need to do as the person is not in-appropriate with her and continuing as good friend as promised after she rejected his proposal. I don’t want to create any unnecessary issues as I don’t have any felling or so with him. That time I checked their chats completely, it’s about update about their common friends, their recent travel, their job, meditation courses and the books they read recently. I haven’t seen any flirting or romantic message from either of them. So I am perfectly fine with it and had no problems. I recently came to know about the concept of emotional cheating which is very new to me. Before that cheating to me is only flirting, sexeting and physical sex. I have asked for advice in redddit.com in infedility sub forum about emotional cheating/ emotion affair. There persons are advising like even having friendship with someone who had crush on you is emotional cheating as it is indirectly leading them on you. So with an omission of lie he had crush on her and indirectly leading him on you wife was emotionally cheating on you. This is very much equal to cheating. I do have lots of friends in other gender, but no one had crush on me. Does this count as emotional cheating/affair as she did not mention he had crush on her before marriage? I am little depressed and not able to spend quality time with my wife who is in postpartum depression and take care of our daughter properly as before. Do you guys advise me how to navigate this situation?
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
Are you really going to ruin your happy relationship based on some new term you have learned recently? Emotional cheating and many more terms of the kind will come and go, what truly matters is the truth. She is merely friends with this guy and for your peace of mind, you have even checked their conversations- what part of it looks like cheating to you? If tomorrow, some random person projecting their own insecurities claims that a man speaking to a woman is some "new form" of cheating, would you start believing that? My point is that these are just random opinions of some people- it isn't the ultimate truth. The entire context matters. This man had a crush on your wife, she rejected it, and now they are just friends. I find absolutely no misconduct or infidelity in this. The fact that none of your friends had a crush on you does not factor in at all. Moreover, your wife is in postpartum depression- that should be your biggest concern but here you are, giving more importance to the random 2 AM thoughts of some people you don't even know. Please rethink if you are being fair to your wife- the mother of your child.

Best Wishes

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Ravi

Ravi Mittal  |395 Answers  |Ask -

Dating, Relationships Expert - Answered on Nov 05, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Oct 26, 2024Hindi
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Relationship
I (30M) am looking for Arranged Marriage Prospects. My Family has found a Prospect (27F) who seems like a Good Match, she's Well Educated, Earning Well & from the same Community. I haven't yet met her in Person, but connected with her on Social Media Platforms & interacting regularly. Recently, I scrolled through her Instagram Profile (It's a Public Profile). She seems to be a very Sociable Person, she has shared many Photos of herself, Partying/Travelling along with her Friends. My Problem is that she seems to like Wearing Clothes which are Revealing. She has shared many Photos/Videos, in which she's skimpily dressed (including some Bikini Photos at Beach/Swimming Pool). She also has a Pierced Navel Ring & Tattoos on some Private Parts like Chest, Hips, Thighs & Lower Back, which she flaunts proudly on Social Media. Though, I am not Judging her Character, based on her Choice of Clothing, but seeing all these made me a little Uncomfortable, as I am a very Modest & Simple Person myself. I have not discussed this issue with my Parents, as they have a very good opinion about her (which I don't want to Ruin). But I've discussed with some of my closest Friends (of both Genders) & some of them have Chided me for being so Judgemental. They suggested me to meet her atleast once in person, to understand what's her Character/Personality like. Shall I give it a try or Reject her Politely at this stage itself, without wasting any more Time (either her or mine)? Or am I being too Superficial to Judge a Woman, just based on her Social Media Profile, without even meeting her once, personally (This is what some of my closest Female Friends opined)? Please suggest me how to proceed with this Prospect in Arranged Marriage.
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
I know it might come off as you being judgmental of her choice of dressing, but you have a right to form an opinion in your mind, especially since in your case, you might be marrying the person. As long as you are not making up your mind about her based on her dressing, forcing her to dress the way she wants, or thrusting your opinion on her, it's alright. It's human nature to be a bit jerked by the choices others make that we won't make ourselves. Having said that, I believe meeting her once in person can be good for you; you might have a new perspective- both about her and on life. But no one can force you to do either. My suggestion is that do what you think is right- if you are sure you will reject this alliance based on her choice of clothes, even if she is the nicest person on the face of the earth, meeting up might be a waste of time. But if you think you are open to changing your mind, go for it.

I would also like for you to remember one important point if things work out between the two of you- do not try to push your opinions on dressing and change the way she is after getting married. That would not be fair. In case, you start hoping that she will change and fit YOUR mold of the perfect woman, I would strongly suggest keeping that thought in check.

Best Wishes.

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Radheshyam

Radheshyam Zanwar  |1026 Answers  |Ask -

MHT-CET, IIT-JEE, NEET-UG Expert - Answered on Nov 05, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Nov 05, 2024Hindi
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Career
I'm 18 years old and currently preparing for neet as a dropper student. I'm from bihar but I live in haryana since my childhood. I have a boyfriend, he is doing btech and it has been 1.5 years since we are together we love each other he supports me in everything but the problem here is I lied him about my birthplace and told him that I belong to UP as UP is a bit better place than bihar. Idk i just feel ashamed to tell anyone that I'm from bihar so I just tell everyone that I'm from UP. Now I'm feeling very guilty in my own that I lied to him about such a basic and important thing and yesterday he Also mentioned that his mother never want a bihari girl, and he is a punjabi. I just don't know what should I do how will he react after knowing the truth and also I'm afraid that he will broke up with me.. I'm also having my neet exam in 6 months. I planned that i will tell him after my exam but I'm just feeling too guilty that I'm hiding this thing from him
Ans: Hello.
Keep mum for the next 6-7 months. Keep a safe distance from your boyfriend. Focus only on NEET preparation. Try to excel in NEET. Wait till the results are out. If you score well and get admitted to Govt Medical College, then open up in front of your boyfriend. He and his family members will accept you because you are becoming a doctor! But after taking the NEET examination, if you feel that you can't score as expected, then tell the truth to your boyfriend. If he loves you from the bottom of his heart, he will forgive you. But if not. then you assume that god has saved you from him!
Last but not least:- Dedicate your 24 hours only for NEET preparation. This time will never come in your life again. You can be a KING in just a few days with solid preparation and will get lifelong respect in society. The bright future is in your hands and not in the hands of your boyfriend.
Best of luck with your upcoming NEET Examination.

If satisfied, please like and follow me.
If dissatisfied with the reply, please ask again without hesitation.
Thanks.

Radheshyam

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