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Anu

Anu Krishna  |725 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Sep 22, 2022

Anu Krishna is a mind coach and relationship expert.
The co-founder of Unfear Changemakers LLP, she has received her neuro linguistic programming training from National Federation of NeuroLinguistic Programming, USA, and her energy work specialisation from the Institute for Inner Studies, Manila.
She is an executive member of the Indian Association of Adolescent Health.... more
XY Question by XY on Sep 22, 2022Translate
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Relationship

I am from Hyderabad. Age 40 years old . My name is XY and I’ve been married for 17 years.
I have two boys. Ours is a love marriage.
I felt like everything will be good and smooth but right after our elder kid was born my life changed.
I am an MBA and several times I told my husband that I’d like to work. He said he’d help when the right time and opportunity comes. Until then I should nurture my kids as it's my responsibility and I should support him. But in the 2015, my kid noticed his chats with another lady. I was shocked because many times he’d refused sex with me. We’d get intimate maybe twice or thrice a year. I thought he was busy or maybe he doesn’t like my body. But when I caught him he said, what is over is over. Don't raise the topic. Leave me.

I just kept quiet. He said what ever happened, I will be the same for my kids’ future sake. Many quarrels happened.
But in 2020 his behaviour came to light. For example if I said anything, he'd punish me by not speaking to me for months. But he'd want me to wash his clothes and fulfil other necessities at home.
Once I opened up and said I want to go for counselling. There he told the doctor, ‘She wants my property but she never allows me to care of my mom. She won't allow me to talk to my friends.’
I was shocked. I told him 'I never asked for money or property. I just want to quit.'
I went home and told myself if he repeats this another time I won't take it for granted. But again in the month of February, he continued his behaviour. He shifted to another bedroom for a few months where he’d watch TV and have food. He'd even sleep in the kids’ bedroom. I stopped bothering.

At some point, I felt like I deserved someone who trusts me.
I want to quit because he thinks I am a loyal maid who will take care of kids and the household. He communicates with like ‘What I should get? Milk veggies etc?’
He never treats me with love and affection. Now everything is spoiled.
I want to have a new life. I want to be set free from him. Please suggest what to do.

Ans:

Dear XY,

And may I ask what exactly are you waiting for?

Why did you think that by you going for counselling, your husband will change his behaviour towards you?

How is that he cheats on you and still you allow him to treat you this way?

This only shows that you have lost your strength which you need most right now.

What if you were a strong independent woman who has been working?

Would you still subject yourself to this? You know the answer!

Bring back that woman who had dreams, who knew how to walk the path, who knew how a man should treat her, who knew what a marriage really is.

Can you do this?

Your kids need their mother to stand up for herself and do the right thing.

Be the woman who will not settle for anything that disrespects a woman or another human.

Seeing this, they will also know how to treat a woman and what a woman can bring into their lives.

Do the right thing, for yourself and them. Bring back that strong, independent woman who knew this and more.

Best wishes!

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Anu

Anu Krishna  |725 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Apr 27, 2022

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Relationship
 Hi, I am married and I have a one year old boy. My husband and I were good friends before marriage. After the marriage, for the first few days, he was very loving and caring. But he was reluctant to have physical intimacy and always avoided me. Later on, he started to pick up silly fights whenever I approached him with love. Then fights became a routine in our life. He accused me of being doubtful, jealous and arrogant, but I simply tried to solve the issue with him. At a later stage, his parents and younger brother intervened in the issues and they also had allegations against me. They even tried to picturise me as a mental patient, who intentionally creates troubles. I was actually feeling lonely when even my parents told me to go for counselling. The psychologist whom I consulted, laughed at their accusations and suggested my husband to consult a family therapist. Even though he was reluctant initially, he came later to see a family therapist. After that, he started to love me, and we lived happily for a few months. Problems started to rise once again, when he came to know that I'm pregnant. He accused me of cheating him and his parents even tried to abort the baby without my knowledge. I opposed abortion, but they intentionally created chaos even in the eighth month of pregnancy. After the birth of the baby, every day, he would shout at me to leave the baby there and go somewhere.He always said, I have a baby now, I don't want to make love anymore, never ever ask me to have sex. And the toxicity his parents are showing is also humiliating. I have 2 questions.1. Why is my husband always reluctant to have a physical relationship? He takes care of the baby well and showers love but neglects me and my needs often.2. After all this toxicity, is it worth to stay with them? Narcissistic in-laws are making me violent and out of control, at times, harming myself. I am losing my self-esteem and falling into depression, nowadays. Please reply.
Ans:

Dear VM,

He is reluctant to have a physical relationship because deep down he has issues that he does not want to confront.

It could be emotional or physical issues that he is embarrassed to share as it might challenge his ‘manhood’.

Most people like to life in that false pride rather than solve the issue at hand.

So, he absolutely needs to go to a doctor or a therapist who can help him out of this issue and hence the two of you can begin to bond. Else today he accuses of cheating, tomorrow it will something else and then something else.

This issue is being beautifully masked by your in-laws who also possibly don’t know that their son needs HELP. So, it’s easy to blame it on you.

Staying with him or not is a personal decision that you must make. Ask yourself:

What is it that I am getting from being in this marriage?

What will I lose by walking out?

How will walking out impact the baby?

Do I have a support system that will stand by me as I choose to leave the marriage?

Evaluate your state of mind and focus on getting better by being happy and cheerful and reaching to those who can keep you in that state.

Whatever you choose to do, do not waste another moment here on wasteful situations and do what’s best for you and your baby which I am suer you can.

Best wishes!

(more)
Anu

Anu Krishna  |725 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jun 08, 2022

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Hi Anu, I am 36 year old woman. I am married for 9 years with two kids. My marriage was never a happy one. We had lots of arguments and fights even before marriage. I broke my engagement but later he convinced me that he will always keep me happy but it turned out to be an abusive marriage. He started beating me every now and then after my son was born. I also filed police complaint thrice. After which he improved a lot may be because of fear and shame. Meanwhile I also cracked government exam and got a very good job. Things were okay but after my daughter's birth last year his behaviour changed. He is not interested in physical relationship any more. He says that after our daughter's birth he's started to respect women. I tried to talk to him many times but all in vain. I don't know what to do now. I don't want to leave him for the sake of children.Now I want to live my life happily with my children and let him do whatever he wants. I don't know if I am right or wrong.He takes money from me whenever required but never spends money on my personal needs. Sometimes I feel he is with me only for money and doesn't love me. I am confused. Help.PS: He is taking good care of children and household.
Ans:

Dear SS,

It is hard to walk out of an abusive relationship and when children are involved, you want to stretch it on longer.

But have you considered how this has already affected their minds?

Children from violent and abusive backgrounds do not grow up steady and face a lot of challenges later in life.

Now, coming back to you…Hasn’t it hurt your ego and pulled down your self-esteem? I am sure it already has hurt you beyond and more.

Usually, I never ever tell people what to do, but make my suggestions and share perspectives so that the mind has clarity to decide what’s best for them in their context.

But here, I am telling you this and listen hard…Physical abuse is a NO NO.

If what you say that his behaviour has changed, then I believe that he isn’t physically abusive anymore.

I do understand you are giving him the long rope for the sake of the children, but when the parents are unhappy, what environment will the children grow in?

Ask your family to step in as you are going to need their care and support hereon.

Take one day at a time and evaluate on a daily basis what his presence in your life is doing to you.

Is it draining you and keeping you on the edge or is it getting better with him improving?

This will clearly indicate what you need to be doing as the next step.

Just remember to value yourself every moment and make yourself your own priority first.

All the best!

(more)
Anu

Anu Krishna  |725 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jun 08, 2022

Relationship
Hi Anu, 10+yrs of marriage with 9yr child. I am working and all financial burden is on me. I shifted separately from in-laws' house due to financial constraints and expectations. Though elder-in-law, my in-laws didn't try to stop our decision to move separately despite knowing that my hubby doesn't earn a single penny. They expected and I had to share financial expenses with my marginal income 10 years ago. After 5 years, we moved nearby and purchased our own house very little help from in-laws. I took loan and managed the rest with help from my family and friends. In between a lot happened. My father-in-law expired and my mother-in-law is a cancer patient. My mother-in-law started expecting from my hubby and me, probably because her younger son shifted with her family. She didn't want to live with them due to differences with her wife. She complained to my husband that we are not good enough to take care of her. I already had a lot of burden from office so I told my husband to take care of our child as well for sometime. He was quite depressed and frustrated with his inability to earn. Already lot of my hard-earned money has been put in his work n wasted.Now, the real problem during these difficult times began when we started fighting. I had lot of office stress and after mother in law complained, she shifted with her other son. At times, I got frustrated with my child also due to the whole mess, financial burden. I felt like all my hard earned money was wasted due to office stress and my hubby's irresponsible behaviour. He did not even take care of my child’s studies. He started watching porn... I saw him twice and even warned him. My husband started cheating on me with our maid. He did it when he was stressed because I was not able to give him time. I confronted him and since then it has been an emotional trauma. I am yet to accept it. 9 months have been passed. We decided on certain things but I couldn’t accept it.. Due to our emotional bond, I gave him another chance... During that time he accepted and was ready to leave everything and wanted me to be happy. He said he committed a big mistake but recently I found he called that b**ch later. When I confronted him he said he’d advised not to come home in front of his family members. I decided it would be best for him to move out and work from another place. My MIL was living with me but then I felt it too much at times.. now somewhat even my child has emotionally detached from him. It’s the same with him as we've been staying separately from 7 months. He visited 3 times during puja and other needs. I feel emotionally detached and I can’t digest the family situation.Sometimes I feel it's difficult to find the courage to avoid all and live alone. What's the point in living in a marriage for sake of it without having any emotional, physical, financial dependency or security?I am 39 and earn a decent salary at this moment. But I am not sure of my future as I work in a private firm. I am worried about my child’s education, old age, financial insecurity and burden. I haven’t been able to save much because of our financial liabilities and husband’s investments in businesses that never materialised.Before this incident, my husband supported me in my career and also to bring up our child. But what happened is too much and unexpected. Any suggestions?
(more)
Anu

Anu Krishna  |725 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Nov 01, 2022

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Relationship
Hello mam, I have come to know about you through an article I read online. I am mailing you regarding my problem. Please make it anonymous. I'm married for 10 years. I have a son who is 6 years old. After my delivery, my husband distanced me. Since then, we use to fight a lot. Both of us are abusive and there is no physical relation between us. I told the same to my parents, and they suggested that I adjust keeping in mind the society and asked me to try for a job to deviate my mind. Once I checked my husband phone and there was a history of homosexual p**n videos. When I asked him the same, he refused. There is no happiness and only fights. I have even made suicidal attempts and was admitted to the hospital for taking expired pills. I’m an old traditioned woman, unable to move out of marriage as I can’t handle being alone. At the same time, I am unable to understand my husband’s behaviour. He is saying he will be like that only, If you want you can stay or leave. He will not tell me anything about his family – when his father passed away due to covid, he left home without telling me. I knew about it from other relatives.
Ans:

Dear GV,

Thank you for reading my content. Hope it helps.

I can only imagine the trap that you are in. So, why are you choosing to be trapped even further?

  • Do you see any scope in your husband changing?
  • Do you know anything about his sexual orientation?
  • Do you feel that the two of you can rebuild your marriage?

If the answer to the above is NO, then time to break out of your so-called traditional mindset.

Do you really want to live in this set-up and have your son grow up unstable?

I am sure that as a mother you do want to provide him with a stable and loving environment.

Then, you need to think differently about your old beliefs and see if they are worth holding onto.

The older generation might have held onto marriages even if they were abusive. But things have changed.

Even if you are not financially independent, there are venues to change that. You only need to change the way you think.

Check with yourself if continuing this way is going to give you anything great in return or is it going to steal your spirit away.

The choice is yours but do know that you have a son to take care of as well.

Start by gaining a good circle of supporters that includes your parents and close friends who can help you through this massive change to enable you take charge of your life.

All the best!

(more)
Dr Ashish

Dr Ashish Sehgal  |96 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Feb 10, 2023

Asked by Anonymous - Feb 08, 2023Translate
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Relationship
i had a love marriage 20 years back. we were in a relationship for 3years before that. but after marriage i realised the harsh reality. though we are in the same field, he prefers that i do all the househld work. we have two children 17 and 12 years old. he has also started neglecting his health. after work his only work is to sit on sofa , watch tv. he has gained a lot of weight, has started eating pan masala which i dislike. we also had no sex for the last four years. when confronted he always says that he is in no mood. last year i came in contact with his friend and once we had sex too. but the sad part is i dont really feel guilty about it. i have tried many times to talk to my husband about our sex life but he always ignores and put the blame on me that i have started growing old. however hard i try he is not able to have a erection, this frustrates me even more. he is very dominating at home too. what should i do ? everytime i try to think to move out of that marriage but am afraid of the society. since he is very caring in front of others. am worried about the kids too. please help what should i do? there is no use of talking to him, i have tried it many times. he is not ready to go to any councellor too.
Ans: It sounds like you are facing some serious challenges in your marriage and that you are feeling frustrated, unhappy, and trapped. It's important to remember that you are not alone and that many people find themselves in similar situations.

Here are some steps you can consider taking:

Seek support: Talk to a trusted friend or family member about your situation. Consider reaching out to a therapist or counselor who can provide you with support and guidance.

Take care of yourself: Make time for self-care and engage in activities that bring you joy and peace. This can help you manage stress and cope with the challenges you're facing.

Consider couples therapy: Even if your husband is not willing to attend therapy, consider seeking therapy for yourself. A therapist can help you understand your feelings and emotions and provide you with strategies for coping with the situation.

Be honest with yourself: It's important to be honest with yourself about your feelings and needs. If you are unhappy in your marriage and feel that it's unlikely to improve, it's okay to consider leaving the relationship.

Make a plan: If you decide that leaving the marriage is the best option, make a plan for how you will do so in a safe and practical manner. Consider the impact on your children and plan for their care and well-being.

Seek legal advice: If you decide to leave the marriage, consider seeking legal advice to understand your rights and responsibilities.

Remember, leaving a long-term relationship is a big decision and can be a difficult process. It's important to take the time to consider your options and seek support from trusted friends, family members, and professionals.
(more)
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Moneywize

Moneywize   |59 Answers  |Ask -

Financial Planner - Answered on Feb 25, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Feb 24, 2024Translate
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I will be retiring in October 2024 and expecting a retirement corpus of Rs 80 lakh. I would be spending 60 per cent of this amount on my son’s medical admission and studies. How should I invest the rest in different sectors to earn monthly income of nearly about 40,000?
Ans: Given your retirement corpus of Rs 80 lakh and your plan to allocate 60% of it towards your son's medical admission and studies, which amounts to Rs 48 lakh, you'll have Rs 32 lakh remaining for investment. To generate a monthly income of approximately Rs 40,000, you'll need to carefully plan your investment strategy. Here's a suggested approach:

1. Assess Your Risk Tolerance: Before investing, consider your risk tolerance, investment horizon, and financial goals. Since you're retiring soon and seeking a regular monthly income, it's advisable to focus on relatively stable and income-generating investment options.

2. Allocate Funds: With Rs 32 lakh available for investment, you can allocate the amount across different investment instruments to achieve diversification and manage risk.

3 Income-Generating Investments: To generate a monthly income of Rs 40,000, you'll need investments that offer regular payouts. Here are some options to consider:

a. Senior Citizen Savings Scheme (SCSS): This government-backed savings scheme offers quarterly interest payouts. You can invest up to Rs 15 lakh individually and earn regular income at a fixed interest rate, currently around 7.4% per annum.

b. Post Office Monthly Income Scheme (POMIS): Another government-backed scheme that provides monthly income. The maximum investment limit is Rs 4.5 lakh for an individual account and Rs 9 lakh for a joint account. The current interest rate is around 6.6% per annum.

c. Fixed Deposits (FDs): Consider investing a portion of your corpus in fixed deposits offered by banks or financial institutions. Opt for monthly interest payout FDs to generate regular income.

d. Debt Mutual Funds: Invest a portion in debt mutual funds that focus on generating steady income with relatively lower risk compared to equity funds. Choose funds with a track record of consistent returns and low expense ratios.

4. Systematic Withdrawal Plan (SWP): For investments in mutual funds or other growth-oriented instruments, consider setting up a systematic withdrawal plan. SWP allows you to withdraw a fixed amount regularly, which can serve as your monthly income.

5. Emergency Fund: Set aside a portion of your corpus as an emergency fund to cover unexpected expenses or contingencies. This fund should be easily accessible and parked in liquid or low-risk instruments like savings accounts or liquid funds.

6. Review and Adjust: Regularly review your investment portfolio to ensure it remains aligned with your financial goals and income requirements. Adjust your asset allocation and investment strategy as needed based on changing market conditions and personal circumstances.

It's crucial to consult with a financial advisor or planner who can provide personalised advice based on your specific situation and goals. They can help you create a comprehensive retirement plan and investment strategy tailored to your needs, risk tolerance, and income requirements. Additionally, consider tax implications on your investment income and consult with a tax advisor to optimise your tax efficiency.
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DISCLAIMER: The content of this post by the expert is the personal view of the rediffGURU. Investment in securities market are subject to market risks. Read all the related document carefully before investing. The securities quoted are for illustration only and are not recommendatory. Users are advised to pursue the information provided by the rediffGURU only as a source of information and as a point of reference and to rely on their own judgement when making a decision. RediffGURUS is an intermediary as per India's Information Technology Act.

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