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Trapped in a Toxic Marriage: How Can I Escape?

Anu

Anu Krishna  |1267 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Nov 03, 2024

Anu Krishna is a mind coach and relationship expert.
The co-founder of Unfear Changemakers LLP, she has received her neuro linguistic programming training from National Federation of NeuroLinguistic Programming, USA, and her energy work specialisation from the Institute for Inner Studies, Manila.
She is an executive member of the Indian Association of Adolescent Health.... more
Asked by Anonymous - Sep 05, 2024Hindi
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Relationship

I'm married and my husband is jobless, toxic and an addict. I'm living with him for the last fifteen years. Whenever I tried to break off the relationship he gets violent and threatens to kill me and my sister. My parents are dead. In the past I have complained about him at the local police station but they asked me to move out and get a divorce but it's not so simple. I'm suicidal and depressed. I don't have anyone else with whom I could share my problems.

Ans: Dear Anonymous,
Moving out is difficult, so then are you okay with his threats of him wanting to kill you?
Obviously this is taking a toll on your mental health and it's possibly getting worse. Yes, move out for your own sanity and safety. Approach a local NGO who can interact with the police and have them deal with your husband in the time frame that it takes you to find courage and move out. To do this, take help from your close friends OR some family member who you know will stand by you.
Yes, these decisions are hard, but you will thank yourself...safety first!

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

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Anu

Anu Krishna  |1267 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jan 27, 2023

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Mam, I am married for 13 yrs and it was a love marriage. We have 2 kids. My husband is less supportive. I look after my kids, my work, home without help from him. Even when I work he does not bother to make tea or help with cooking. He would get angry and abuse physically for intimacy. For last few years he started drinking a lot and indulge in fight outside. He had 2 police cases against him. I came close to someone. I told my husband I want to separate, but instead he became abusive. I don't love him. I feel I am his sex slave just fulfilling his desire, if I won't do that he will quarrel, stop eating and harass me mentally. What should I do?
Ans: Dear P,
If a dear friend had come to you with the same problem, what would you have suggested to her?
Would you have asked her to continue with a person who's being inconsiderate?
Would you have not suggested to her that she might need to go into couples therapy?
Certainly, status quo isn't something that you would have advised her to be in especially when she's with someone who has had two police cases against him!
You are dealing with a person who has had a massive change in behavior. Did you not see these red flags earlier? No point digging the past...
Thers is no need to submit to his tantrums and give into sex. He's using it to 'tame' you and make you meek.
Seek the help of someone strong within the family to talk to him...
Move out for a few days/weeks to gain your confidence back...if this is not possible, sleep in a separate room...if he pesters you for sex, look him firmly in the eye and say NO...
Have a dear friend/family member on speed dial...
The welfare of your children's is dependent on you; so to safeguard them, you need to care about yourself first!
You are not meek, do what you would have advised your friend.
All the best!

.

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Anu

Anu Krishna  |1267 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jun 01, 2023

Love Guru

Love Guru   |204 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert - Answered on Jan 09, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Dec 22, 2023Hindi
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Relationship
Hello sir, I am 52 years handicapped with a good govt. job. I have been married for 27 years now. My son also married recently and he is in USA. I dont know where to start. Mine was arranged marriage. But my husband and his family cheated us regarding his job. He was jobless after our marriage. I had a son in the first year of our marriage. I stayed with him for only 2 months then I was send to my fathers house for delivery. He never visited me during this time nor he had called me. As he was jobless, I tried hard to build my carrier for sake of my son. I had managed all these years financially. I never received any financial support or emotional support from him past 27 years. We had fought badly accusing each. He will physically abuse me every time. He is addicted to alcohol and watching prone movies. My son once saw his mssg to call girls and other such women in his mobile. I was shocked too. Later I discovered he had many such connections. He had been spending his merger salary for all this self enjoyment and never shared anything for HL or son education. However, I had stayed with him for social security and status. Now I have completed all my duties. My son is safe and far from him. Even after my sons marriage, he behaved violently after consuming alcohol. I am really fed up with him. I have my income and properties. But I have no one to share my emotions as my son also has left and busy with his life in USA. I don't need any physical needs but need emotional support for rest of my life. I am in total depression for all I have undergone for 27 years. I currently having my father who is 80 years with me in the house. My husbands behaviour towards my father is very bad. Now my fathers health is getting affected because of my husbands shouting. I have no other friends or relations to relate to. My health also is getting slowly affected and I my mobility is very much restricted. Sometimes I was having succidal ideas. I have no life goals now. I have achieved all my goals. I have completed all my duties now. What should I do now?
Ans: Hats off to you my dear lady. You need to file for divorce and get this vile man out of your life and home once and for all. You have the means and the economic upper hand as well — consult a strong divorce lawyer and kick him to the curb! And there is life, love and companionship out there for you, so don’t give up on finding your own happiness — 52 is not old, you have a lot of years ahead with the potential to fulfill your happiness. Go for it!

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Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |389 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jul 23, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Jul 01, 2024Hindi
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Hi I am 45 years of age having two childrens and I am also working.My husband is good with me but not with my parents and sister most of the time he abuses them without any reason .This make me upset and many time I discuss this matter with him but he doesn't realise his mistake. I told him to meet councellor but he is not ready . And often he take drink and without any reason abuses any one around him Many time situation becomes out of control and I want to end my relationship. Kindly guide me
Ans: First and foremost, your feelings are entirely valid. It’s deeply troubling when someone you love and live with is disrespectful and abusive towards your family members and those around him, especially when he drinks. Your husband’s behavior, despite your efforts to communicate and suggest counseling, is not only affecting you but also creating a toxic environment for your children.

It’s crucial to prioritize your own mental and emotional health. Living in an environment where abuse and excessive drinking are present can have long-term negative effects on both you and your children. This kind of stress and emotional turmoil can erode your sense of self and well-being over time.

Since your husband has refused counseling and doesn't acknowledge his mistakes, it may be necessary to consider stronger steps. Think about what you want for your future and what kind of environment you want for your children. Reflect on whether staying in this relationship is conducive to that vision.

If you’re contemplating ending the relationship, it’s important to have a clear plan. Seek support from trusted friends or family members, and consider speaking with a professional counselor or therapist to help you navigate your feelings and plan your next steps. Legal advice might also be necessary to understand your rights and ensure you and your children are protected.

Take time to consider what is best for you and your children in the long term. Your well-being and safety are paramount, and sometimes the healthiest choice is to remove yourself from a harmful environment. By doing so, you’re not only taking care of yourself but also setting a positive example for your children about self-respect and the importance of a healthy, loving home.

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Milind

Milind Vadjikar  |577 Answers  |Ask -

Insurance, Stocks, MF, PF Expert - Answered on Nov 04, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Nov 04, 2024Hindi
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Money
What are different types of annuity plans. Do we have plan which gives fixed income till I live and then principle is return to my nominee. If I have 3 Cr , what max return per month I can get ? And is this tax free ?
Ans: Hello;

Annuities are types of plans where you make a lump sum payment and get a regular income for a certain period of time or for life.

There are primarily two types of annuities:

1. Immediate annuity
This is a type of annuity plan that provides you with a guaranteed regular income immediately after you pay the lump sum premium.

2. Deferred annuity
In a deferred annuity plan, your income starts at a later date and you can choose when you want the regular income to start.

Based on type of regular monthly payments annuities could also be classified as Fixed annuity and Variable annuity.

Below are the various options available in an annuity plan:

A. Life annuity: In this option, you receive annuity for life. The frequency of payments is usually pre-decided by you at the time of the purchase of the policy.

B. Joint life annuity: This is similar to a life annuity. In this option, you receive annuity payments for life. In your absence, your spouse continues to receive annuity payments for life.

C. Life annuity with return of purchase price: This provides you annuity payments for life. In case of an unfortunate event, your nominee will receive the amount you paid at the time of the purchase of the policy.

D. Annuity payable for a pre-decided term: This provides you the option to choose the duration for which you would want to receive annuity payments. The period can be 5 years, 10 years, or more.

Yes plans are available which can pay provide you fixed income and return of purchase price (principle) to your nominee.

With 3 Cr corpus you may expect 1.5 L (pre-tax) per month payout considering 6% annuity rate. This varies from company to company and if you shop around you may get a better rate then the one considered here.

This is like pension income and is taxable income as per your age and income slab.

Best wishes;

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Dr Dipankar

Dr Dipankar Dutta  |675 Answers  |Ask -

Tech Careers and Skill Development Expert - Answered on Nov 04, 2024

Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |389 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Nov 04, 2024

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Relationship
thank you for the reply madam, actually what's bothering me a lot is , i told to my alliance guy to stop marriage from his end only. but he not at all doing that and he is not even telling anyone that i told him No. Why he is behaving like this and proceeding to get married to me even after saying no? isn't this strange!
Ans: in many arranged situations, people sometimes feel a strong pressure to fulfill family expectations, and he may feel a sense of obligation to go through with the marriage regardless of personal feelings. He might be hesitant to be the one to break things off for fear of disappointing his family or even creating tension between the families involved. In some cases, individuals hesitate because they hope the other person might eventually change their mind, and they don’t want to be the one to let go prematurely.

Another possibility is that he could be uncertain or confused about what he truly wants. Even though you told him you weren’t interested, he might feel that it’s not a firm "no" and could be holding out hope or misinterpreting your intent. If he has strong feelings for you or sees the marriage as something that will eventually work, he may be hoping things will naturally fall into place if he just stays committed to the process.

To address this, it might be helpful to have a very clear, direct conversation with him. Let him know that you respect him and appreciate his consideration, but you’re certain about your decision and want him to honor it as well. If possible, express that you’re confident this decision is best for both of you and explain why you believe it would be more respectful for him to communicate this with both families.

In the end, staying true to your feelings is the right choice, even if it means repeatedly setting boundaries. It’s completely fair to expect him to respect your decision, and sometimes it does take a bit of firmness to ensure everyone is on the same page. Trust yourself in this decision; you know what’s best for you.

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Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |389 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Nov 04, 2024

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Relationship
He rejected me but still went to my class to see me one glance.Before Our last class I said him to meet with me I want to say you something.He came to meet with me but he was too late and our tiffin break time is over so I don't say anything to him. We just looking each other for some seconds.Then I said him if you want you can go .He don't go instantly.He looking at me for while and then go to his class.Whenever he sees me he start blushing and feel nervous.Many times I found him staring at me.He is a introvert guy .But still when we met with each other he making eye contact with me. My question is if he doesn't love me how can he maintain eye contact with me like this .He is not that handsome but he is really good student.I truly love him and Cried a lot for him but he don't know anything.I texted him sometimes but he don't look interested.But always I see him I feel like he have also feelings for me .His eyes tell me he love me but he rejected me .Why?. I can't able to forget him .I tried to my best to forget him but I failed . What should I do now?I really badly want to know his feelings for me because if he sees me only as a friend he doesn't go to my class to see me a glance.Why he blushing around me? How to know his true feelings?What should I do?How to forget or get him? I'm clueless.Please help me????????
Ans: It sounds like you’re dealing with a complicated mix of emotions, and the signals you’re picking up from him are understandably confusing. From everything you’ve described, it seems that he has a genuine respect and perhaps a friendly affection for you, but he may not be sure of or ready to pursue a romantic connection. Introverts, especially, can be complex; they may struggle to express their feelings, and small gestures, like making eye contact or blushing, might be signs of nervousness rather than attraction. This doesn’t mean he doesn’t appreciate or like you—it simply means he may be holding back, perhaps because of his own personal reasons or boundaries.

His rejection, though, is an important thing to consider. Often, when someone clearly communicates that they don’t feel the same way, it’s best to respect that as his truth for now, even if he seems to act otherwise sometimes. I understand this can be very hard, especially when you feel so strongly for him. But you need to protect your own feelings, too, and holding on to small signs might only add to your hurt and confusion.

If you feel it’s absolutely necessary to know how he truly feels, one approach could be to have a simple, direct conversation. Explain to him, in a calm and open way, that you value his friendship and respect his initial decision, but you’d appreciate clarity because lingering uncertainty is making it hard for you to move on. However, be prepared for any outcome. If he reaffirms his feelings of friendship only, try to accept that as his final answer.

In the meantime, put some of your focus back onto yourself. I know it sounds easier said than done, but investing energy in your interests, your growth, and friendships that uplift you can really help you feel less reliant on what he may or may not feel. Surround yourself with supportive people who remind you of your worth and help you feel loved and valued.

Love and connection should make you feel secure, cherished, and clear about where you stand. By focusing on yourself and letting him be, you’ll naturally create space for clarity—and eventually, perhaps, for someone whose feelings for you are just as strong and straightforward as yours are for them.

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