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Dear S,

It’s obvious that there is something that your wife is upset about or missing and you have been blindsided by it.

It could be lack of love, attention or simply family’s worth that she might feel from money situation.

It needs a discussion but from your letter/e-mail, it doesn’t seem like she is interested in it.

What I don’t have information here is in the 19 years that you were out of the country, was she also with you?

This is vital information as things might have gone South while you were away.

Even if she did accompany you, maybe the mismanagement of responsibility situation that you mentioned was something that had thrown her off gear and insecure.

This vital information is missing for me to guide you even more effectively, but I can surely help you navigate with what is.

Yes, it needs a counsellor or a marriage therapist.

Nothing justifies talking ill about family members but when the mind is awry and unsettled, it does not think rationally which is why she is possibly displacing some anger or lack of affection or lack of something that is manifesting itself in different ways.

Ask yourself:

• Where am I if I continue in the marriage?
• Where am I if I don’t continue in the marriage?

This reality check will act as a compass to the next steps of action.

As a coach, it’s always nice to see a relationship work but reality might say something else.

So, be true to your thoughts and feelings, set aside any feelings of spite towards your wife and see things for what they are and move forward.

All the best!

Dear S,

It’s like being unsettled has become a way of life. And you haven’t become aware that what you are living with in terms of uncertainty is mostly self-created.

You are seeing it with academics, work, relationships. It’s a pattern which must be broken provided you wish to see a massive change in your life.

Ask yourself:

1. What do I seek from life?
2. Where do I see myself in the professional space?
3. What do I wish for in a relationship/partner?

Now, check if your thoughts and behaviours align with what you wish for.

For eg: If you are looking at losing weight, if your behaviour is no exercise and reaching out for a midnight snack, you will never get to what you wish for.

So, if you want to feel more certain and have a certain level of wellbeing and grip in your life, you need to come up with some sort of fool proof plan and stick with it.

If you haven’t been very fine with academics, surely you can still put your best foot forward in your workplace taking more initiatives and thinking about how to grow there.

With relationships, start asking yourself, how can I add value to my partner?

It’s time you took responsibility for your choices and its results. So, if you want massive changes in the results, change the way you think and do things.

Am I getting through to you here?

Nothing is dead; you just have to inspire yourself to think and do different.

So, self-pity isn’t going to get you anywhere.

If he was a narcissist, good things didn’t work out…time to move on rather than make more excuses for your life not going anywhere.

Do you know now what you must do? Just Step Up!

Best wishes!

Dear S,

Your situation is a bit complicated as I don’t have enough information to build on.

• How do you know that she suffers from OCD? Has an expert diagnosed this?
• Is the trouble in your marriage because of your confused sexual orientation?
• Have you felt attracted to your wife at some point as well?

To me, it seems like both of you need to visit an expert who will not just help you deal with your marriage but also guide you to work on your sexual orientation which could also have led to matters going sour between you and your wife.

Like I said, things don’t add up much to me and I have tried to point you in a direction that might help you move into a solution space.

For more clarity, I do suggest getting in touch with an expert who can guide you ably and help get your life back on track.

All the best!

Dear S,

If you have decided that divorce is the only option to consider, then yes, file for divorce legally by hiring a lawyer who has specialized in cases where the spouse is unwilling to let the divorce happen.

In short, if it’s not a mutual consent, it might drag on for years, so get a good skilled lawyer to take up your case.

On the emotional side of things, I urge you to be patient and empathetic towards your wife. With her mental health condition, she possibly has no control over her thoughts and subsequent actions are a result of an impulsive reaction.

Yes, it is unfortunate that the marriage went through a lot of low phases but do remember she is a human who is going through a challenge which is not easy to fathom by people who don’t have a mental illness.

I realise that this might be a little difficult to do, but in the long-term scheme of things, it will be a good ally as a sound and calm mind helps you through challenging times.

This point of view will help you through the divorce proceedings where you will be able to be fair and just to make sure that she is also taken care of.

All the best for a better journey ahead!

You're sitting on a ticking time bomb.

Your wife's indifference is rather strange; not wanting to have sex is one thing and wanting to continue to live in a home where her husband is blatantly cheating on her is quite another.

As for the landlord himself, I don't think you have the right to speak to him; the dynamics between his wife and him are his business. If you want to know his thoughts on the matter, you can ask his wife; I'm sure she knows how he feels about it.

In any case, this is not an ideal situation. It's not only throwing both your marriages into jeopardy; it's also compromising your living situation. Tomorrow if it ends badly between the landlord's wife and you, she may prevail upon her husband to throw you both out. Or he may do it anyway, considering you're sleeping with her.

And there are both children to think of.

First speak to your own wife and find out why she's so indifferent and doesn't want to have sex with you. No one gives up having sex in their 30s for no reason at all; you're still both young.

Try and fix your own marriage and keep your nose out of the landlord's.

Dear S,

Time this one out! Which means, drop a deadline by having a conversation with your husband as to when your family will finally have a chance to function independently from in-laws or any other external circumstances.

Dropping deadlines means, both of you will be under the pump to put down a plan as to what needs to be done to clear out the existing muck and how beautifully you will create a loving environment for your baby to grow.

Not taking care of the baby or you, is not an option for him; but I guess it has become a convenient arrangement for him as you live with your parents and he does not need to take care of the fights and expenses as well.

This could only mean he is escaping reality and finding peace in avoiding it. Put him in the face of reality and that goes for you as well.

Being too accommodative can also become a habit where you rely on the comfort of what it brings to you; in this case the comfort at your parents' home.

For the sake of the baby, work together as a team and create a beautiful relationship; which will help the baby grow healthy, physically and emotionally.

All the best!

Dear S,

It’s time someone showed the man what a MAN truly is.

Do you have a close family member who can talk to him?

If NO, this is your husband. No one knows him better that you do…

Notice:

• What actually triggers him to become aggressive and possessive?
• What situations have led him to attempting suicide?

If there is a mental illness that we are looking at, it needs intervention ASAP.

Never be afraid to push back when you are forced into sex…It is called ‘Marital Rape’ just in case you didn’t know.

It’s not Okay and it is definitely not mandatory that a woman needs to give in to satisfy her husband’s sexual urges.

If he continues forced sex, you can approach a local NGO that supports women with domestic violence, and they can help you with the next course of action.

Do not feel obliged to put up with things that eat your soul away.

Make sure you keep your sanity intact by surrounding yourself with the best people who care and love you.

Pick up a hobby that fills you with joy; this joy can help you think with a clear mind when you step into your marriage for the day.

One step at a time, but take that STEP…You are important.

All the best!

Dear S,

It’s unfortunate that relationships outside of marriage seem to be used as a way of escaping something that is deeper.

Your sister’s children I presume must be older where they understand what is happening to the mental health of their mother. It might be wise for your sister to relook at her life in a new light.

Children have grown up and now she can think for herself; even if she is financially not independent, things can be sorted out.

She needs to take the decision to what that change else as a brother no matter what you try, it will not work as your sister is used to living life as a victim and this possibly offers her a roof over her head and that of her children.

Also, it isn’t easy to live life as a single woman and hence she might have never allowed herself the thought of being independent.

Give her a lot of love and support her, but tell her that giving up on her life only will mean that her husband would have achieved a clear path to do more of what he already has.

Set up an environment for her to flourish, maybe she can study something or start working.

It will empower her to take strong decisions for herself and her children.

Enable her to do the right thing for herself.

Best wishes!

Dear S,

The very fact that you have asked me this question as to whether he loved you at all simply suggests that you have the answer to that.

Certain actions of people can make us quite unsettled and I would like to point you to the fact of him proposing to you almost immediately after he was rejected by the other girl (teacher).

What does that tell you?

Doesn’t it seem that he is possibly incapable of taking rejections and also wants to feel the aura of woman around him all the time?

Aren’t these messages enough for you to be able to find someone more mature and someone who respects your presence in his life and wants to marry you for love and a life together rather than to make him feel secure, whole and complete?

Never try and fill an emotional void in a person which must be filled by them on their own accord. Once you fill it, another void will be waiting to be filled by someone else and before you know, you will be caught in a loop that can’t be untied.

Your presence offers him warmth, attention and care of woman that you have possibly been splurging on him.

When he finds another woman offering this, he might be ready to try that as well. Be your own person, guard your boundaries and let people in who nourish you and accept you for who you are.

Be well and happy!

Dear S,

She is a good devotee? I can’t quite understand this statement. And she hates you? How?

If what you have mentioned are facts, then isn’t it time for the two of you to evaluate if it’s worth living together?

If you are continuing with the marriage for the sake of the children, then do understand that there are certain ways in which you should behave so that the children do not absorb the stress that the two of you are facing.

If you keep arguing or fighting in front of them, it will affect them emotionally.

It is time that the two of you have a conversation as mature adults and sort this out quickly before it consumes the children. Else, make the sane decision of going your separate ways.

If you can’t do this by yourselves, seek professional help as soon as possible.

Do remember, it takes two people to make a marriage work, so look within yourself as well to see what you can change to smooth things over and work on that.

All the best and a Happy 2022.

Too much mixing of thoughts and opinions that at times you feel that your thoughts are never valued.

Either, you ease into this and know that this will be your world; which means you start to ‘try’ to become happy which can be stressful.

If this is impossible and you want to change it, then STEP UP for yourself and for your son.

No arguments, no fights, but firmly asserting what you want.

Be kind always no matter what because your husband is just in the midst of his family and the family system that he has been raised with, your protests don’t matter much.

Making your point known doesn't need fights, but reiterating what you want and that your thoughts must be respected.

It’s possible that over a few weeks, this new calm behavior of yours might bring some change in your husband and he may start hearing and listening to what you have to say.

If that doesn’t work, yes you may have to take the help of a professional who will put you two together in a place and become a good third person who will facilitate the communication.

Whatever it is, be kind and calm and I am sure you are…it helps in ‘breaking down’ the stubbornness in other people and they maybe willing to calm down as well.

Be at peace.

Loved ones leave us to grieve after them and we only go deeper into that well of grief.

But I want you ask yourself this: Will my father be happy to see me this way?

Is this why he raised me to see me in grief?

Is my family happy seeing me like this?

Can I do anything to get myself to a better state of mind?

Suicide is never ever an option.

Every life must be celebrated just like you celebrated your father’s life when he was with you.

Continue in that; celebrate him, relive memories with him and talk to people about what a wonderful human he was.

Pass on his values that rest in you and your siblings to whoever you meet and that will help you remember him for all the beautiful things that he brought into your lives.

Call for a family gathering and each of you talk about him fondly and how he added value in your lives.

Celebrate people when they live and celebrate their memories when they leave you.

Grieve but don't ever give up. Your father would want to see you move on and live and thrive.

Happy rebirthing to you.

Have you checked with every woman or is this statement based on your experience and of a few others around you?

Making generalised statements like these, can play the villain in infusing more unwanted thoughts and situations in your life more that the people involved in it.

When you say, ‘I gave a child to my husband,’ does it mean that you were not ready to be a mother then?

I am sure you had a choice to say NO if you were not ready.

When we begin to play ‘victim’, it is easy to keep pulling instances that prove how unfairly we have been treated and play that over and over again till it feels absolutely true.

Instead, why don’t you list the problem accurately?

Assuming right now (as I don’t have much details from you), that you have been treated unfairly and that your husband has harassed you mentally and physically, if divorce is what he wants, do you also feel the same?

If you want to save your marriage, then look for a family therapist who can definitely help with that. But if you feel that you have reached the end of the runway and can’t take it anymore, maybe a mutual consent divorce maybe a better option.

Whatever that the two of you decide, remember that there is a child who is part of this entire situation and needs love and reassurance from both parents that he/she will still get a loving home to grow up in.

Most often couples who argue forget the repercussions that this has on a child and the egos get the better of them.

Whatever you do, there is ‘NO OTHER’ that can come into a marriage, no mother-in-law or anyone else.

Bringing anyone in complicates the marriage and any decision taken because of their treatment towards you cannot contribute to a failure in your marriage.

So choose wisely and take wise steps to do what’s best for your marriage, life and your child.

All the best for a clear mind and a great life!

Relationships can have a long life if we are willing to set aside our differences and keep egos at bay. Now read on and think deeper about these questions.

What went on between your wife and mother/sisters? Did you wife end up feeling hurt and lonely? Did she feel that you sided with your mother and sisters more than you did with her?

Constant arguments about things from the past honestly can lead to no good. It is important to know what exactly your wife feels at this very moment, but it seems like she doesn’t want to talk to you.

When you say you have made many efforts towards her and her family, why do you think, she hasn’t come back home or why has she stopped talking to you?

You did mention that she finds a reason to get pissed, but is there something that she expects from you or a certain behaviour that might help her get to an even ground?

Will involving a senior family member to talk to someone senior family member (not your mother) on her side?

With their experiences and their calm minds, they maybe able to break the ice between both sides and get the two of you to talk.

Please find a neutral member on both sides who can arrange for this in a wise manner without bringing in egos or past battles inside.

Communication must be re-established and throwing your hands up in the air may not be very useful if you want your marriage to continue.

Yes, past need not be brought back into the present, but it is necessary to understand what is going on in her mind before concluding anything.

Virtual working and/or remote working can bring with it a number of challenges; one being fatigue.

This can cause poor quality of sleep that can result in a low state of mind. This is perhaps what might be happening.

Also, being at home long hours and also due to the uncertainties that we are all facing can pull down the general mood of anyone.

This isn’t depression (unless and until clinically evaluated), but simply a contextual response from the body.

Create rituals to beat this. Since this happens during the early morning hours, make sure that you switch off all electronic gadgets at least a couple of hours before you sleep.

Eat at least 3 hours before you sleep and eat a lighter meal.

Exercise every day for at least 40 minutes and laugh a lot.

Connect with people who empower you. And most importantly, do express gratitude every day.

Feel thankful for what you have and what you are. Also, do what you love; maybe a hobby for a little time every day.

These empowering rituals can get your mood back on track and you will wake up feeling thankful for the day up ahead and also ensure that you can impact your circle of influence at home and at office as well.

Choose your state of mind, let it not choose you. All the best!

Firstly, know why you are having to be in front of a crowd; office presentations, meetings and thinks like that. If it is necessary for your job and in life in general, let’s work at this.

Start watching videos of people who are orators, great speakers and who enthrall others on stage

Next, observe every movement of theirs and how they walk, talk, their voice etc.

Then, simply take on the same role imagining yourself to be them and do the same. Live this role. Try doing this many times over till it becomes second nature to you.

Finally, imagine a situation where you want to feel confident. And imagine doing your new learning from Step 3 and living it. Do this a couple of times till you think you are ready.

The next time, with the same situation, things should definitely go your way and you will be in charge for sure.

Be confident and happy new learning!

Anu Krishna is a Mind Coach, NLP Trainer, Zen Lifestyle Expert and has recently released her book The Secret of Life – Decoding Happiness.
She is also the Founder of Soulful Exploration LLP and Unfear Changemakers LLP.

What we can do is make the best of what is at this point in time. It indeed is hard to be away from family at a time like this.

I know parents in some families do find it hard adjusting to a new city at their age and having your wife care for them as logical as the decision was has begun to take a toll on the family as a whole.

It is an amazing feeling to come back home to a family after a hard day’s work where they wait with love, care and support.

Either a job in Mumbai or moving your family to Delhi are the options as it is evident that family and their love is important for you to have the security and stability.

Having said this, Lockdown 5.0 begins soon, I think fearlessly take a call, visit your family.

If you think you want to isolate yourself in the fear of COVID-10, do so…but more that all of this, do sit down as a family, COMMUNICATE, talk to your parents about how this is affecting you and obviously they care and love you enough to hear your side of the story.

And finally, do what needs to be done to make sure that your parents understand and are taken care of and your wife and children are with you as a family.

Happy decision making and be happy!