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TK
Anu

Anu Krishna1057 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Apr 27, 2022

Asked on - Apr 27, 2022Hindi

Relationship

Hello Anu ma’am,

I’m 30 years old female, working at an IT firm. I have been married for a year now. The marriage with my husband was arranged by our family members. I met him 2 months before we got married. We talked more during that period and the conversations were always pleasant and I felt care in them and finally made the decision that he is my match. Once we got married, things were good-to-okay in the first few months. I used to live with my in-laws and slowly noticed that he is moving away little by little. My connection with him started to feel weak. He and his mother would stop talking when I entered the room. I had to help more with house chores.
I tried quite a lot to keep up with in-laws, husband, and work but soon sensed that mother in law and son have teamed up against me and everything I did was never satisfactory.
The first thing that came up to my mind was to move out of the house with my husband and to start our relationship afresh. He didn’t like the idea and for my work reasons, I moved out and to the city where I work (which is a 3-hour drive from where he lives). This made the connection even worse. I used to go see him once or twice in a month but the relationship felt strained so I moved back within 3 months. Around this time he downloaded some dating apps on his mobile. When I asked him about it he said he downloaded out of curiosity and didn’t use it, but I can feel the change in him. Within 2 months I started to realise he’s being secretive with his phone or iPad and is spending a lot of time with them either texting or calls. I also noticed that he is talking to someone during the night while he is sleeping next to me. I felt betrayed and shattered to my core.
All the things I learnt for him, all the things that I have done for him and his family, all the time and energy I have spent felt useless. When I confronted him he never accepted it and says it’s all in my head. I gave him some time leaving it aside thinking he would bounce back once he is done with it. So I asked him to move in with me so we could bond and spend time alone.
We moved in together finally but things didn’t go as I expected. When I leave for work he would either go meet the woman or worse bring her home. He continued it and I ran out of patience. I talked about it with my family and his. My family supports my decision with whatever I would want to do and his family would back him up saying that they have brought their son up my utmost values and he wouldn’t do such a thing. So finally they have sent us back to our homes hoping things will be fine. He still talks to the woman every night and God knows how many times I cannot make it out in the day time.
I’m sorry it’s a long read for you but I wasn’t sure what to express and what not to, for you to help me with a suggestion.
I have tried to catch his act using technology but he is too clever to be caught. Trust me, I’m a tech lead at an IT firm and I have tried a lot of methods to catch him but all of them are valid-invalid proofs and he is quite a story teller to make them all look null.
I feel nothing inside most of the times and simply want to come out of this but not without showing his true form. For once, I want to win. Win huge this way.
If you can help me out I will be grateful for that. Please keep me anonymous if you could.
Thanks a lot for reading this.

Ans:

Dear TK,

Thank you for sharing so clearly; it certainly helps me guide in the best possible manner.

If you feel that he is infidel, the there is no necessity to go around looking for proof.

What will proving that give you?

Even if you showed it all to his parents what is the guarantee that they will not turn it around and blame you for it?

That you should not have moved out and that’s why he needed the comfort of other women.

Quit focusing on proving his infidelity and focus on more what you want at this point in time.

Do you want to continue in this marriage?

If NO, exit in the most graceful manner because the stress from all the pulling down or Win that you are looking for is strenuous and of no use. It will only appease your EGO which anyway is short-lived.

But of course, if you are in the process of negotiating terms during divorce proceedings; this proof maybe valuable to have a better WIN. I hope I have succeeded in differentiating both types of WINs so you get a clearer picture.

Now coming to how you must deal with your mind space is as simple as listing down what is important to you.

Is it dwelling on what he does or emphasizing more on what you can do?

When it’s the latter, you will think and act in a manner that looks out for you and how you can keep yourself in an optimum mind space.

So, start focusing on what makes you happy and stick to that.

When you are ready to move on, make it graceful and if there seems to be a problem with negotiation, the proof that you have collected with a sane sense of mind will come in handy.

I assume that there are no children involved but if there are, take into consideration how they will cope with any decision of yours.

Bottom Line: Learn to live your life and focus on what’s important. I am confident that you can do this NOW.

All the best for a beautiful mind space!

(more)
Anu

Anu Krishna1057 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jan 04, 2022

Asked on - Jan 04, 2022Hindi

Listen
Relationship

I have two problems right now which are making me depressed and very, very lonely.
I have been married for seven years now. After a year, there have been misunderstandings between us.
I have been trying to talk to him and make him feel our love but I fail every time.
He is too judgemental, obsessive and bossy.
I thought he is behaving like this because he lost his parents but it’s been four years now.
My sisters-in-law often create a rift between us. Sometimes, I feel that he doesn’t love me at all.
While dealing with this, I had my parents and sister by my side. My sister's husband took advantage of the situation and tried to assault me.
I complained about it to my mom and sister. My mom got scared that it might affect my sister's life so she wants me to forget about what happened.
I didn't tell my husband because he is too aggressive.
My mom, sister and her husband all are behaving as though nothing happened.
I am scared that my husband will judge me for the rest of my life if I tell him and I love him.
I am too disturbed and lonely. I feel empty, like no one is there for me. I have lost my sleep. Please, please help me.
TK

Ans:

Dear TK,

Please stop making excuses for your husband’s behaviour or your sister’s husband’s behaviour.

If what you say is true then, by being bossy and judgmental, your husband has emotionally distanced himself from you and your sister’s husband has physically abused you.

You have lost your power by not calling this out.

Isn’t it the job of a husband to support his wife when she has been in any danger? And you are actually worried about your sister, her husband, your mother and your husband, which is affecting your state of mind.

The more you choose to ignore the wrong that has happened with you, the more it is going to impact you.

Also remember, if you allow your sister’s husband to roam around freely like this, he can do the same to another woman.

Yes, your husband might judge you, but you will judge yourself for life if you don’t take this step.

The biggest mistake a woman can make in the name of culture, society and family pride is to be silent. This silence causes a cascading effect on her and her family, especially her children, as she stops being happy.

Reclaim your power and speak up now.

Confide in a friend. Do what is right for you and make a statement for all the women who might be facing similar challenges.

As for your husband, don’t you think it’s possible to keep all these people out of your marriage and focus on your relationship? And that it’s time to appeal to him about making your marriage work and rebuild it from scratch?

Is that possible?

Only the two of you can answer once you have decided to take charge of your life.

All the best and a Happy 2022!

(more)
DISCLAIMER: The content of this post by the expert is the personal view of the rediffGURU. Investment in securities market are subject to market risks. Read all the related document carefully before investing. The securities quoted are for illustration only and are not recommendatory. Users are advised to pursue the information provided by the rediffGURU only as a source of information and as a point of reference and to rely on their own judgement when making a decision. RediffGURUS is an intermediary as per India's Information Technology Act.

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