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Anu

Anu Krishna  |835 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jun 21, 2021

Anu Krishna is a mind coach and relationship expert.
The co-founder of Unfear Changemakers LLP, she has received her neuro linguistic programming training from National Federation of NeuroLinguistic Programming, USA, and her energy work specialisation from the Institute for Inner Studies, Manila.
She is an executive member of the Indian Association of Adolescent Health.... more
S Question by S on Jun 21, 2021Hindi
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In every woman's life mother-in-law is the villain.

Similar situation happened in my life just 3 months back.

But here in my case I waited till 5 years and I have given a child to my husband. But there is no change in the situation.

Rather it became critical in such a way that my husband started harassing me physically, mentally.

Now, he is asking for mutual divorce.

I need suggestion from you how you handled the situation.

Ans: Dear S, how have you come to the conclusion that the mother-in-law is the villain in every woman’s life?

Have you checked with every woman or is this statement based on your experience and of a few others around you?

Making generalised statements like these, can play the villain in infusing more unwanted thoughts and situations in your life more that the people involved in it.

When you say, ‘I gave a child to my husband,’ does it mean that you were not ready to be a mother then?

I am sure you had a choice to say NO if you were not ready.

When we begin to play ‘victim’, it is easy to keep pulling instances that prove how unfairly we have been treated and play that over and over again till it feels absolutely true.

Instead, why don’t you list the problem accurately?

Assuming right now (as I don’t have much details from you), that you have been treated unfairly and that your husband has harassed you mentally and physically, if divorce is what he wants, do you also feel the same?

If you want to save your marriage, then look for a family therapist who can definitely help with that. But if you feel that you have reached the end of the runway and can’t take it anymore, maybe a mutual consent divorce maybe a better option.

Whatever that the two of you decide, remember that there is a child who is part of this entire situation and needs love and reassurance from both parents that he/she will still get a loving home to grow up in.

Most often couples who argue forget the repercussions that this has on a child and the egos get the better of them.

Whatever you do, there is ‘NO OTHER’ that can come into a marriage, no mother-in-law or anyone else.

Bringing anyone in complicates the marriage and any decision taken because of their treatment towards you cannot contribute to a failure in your marriage.

So choose wisely and take wise steps to do what’s best for your marriage, life and your child.

All the best for a clear mind and a great life!

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Anu Krishna  |835 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Oct 19, 2022

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Hi Anu, I have been reading your articles for quite some time. I am 40 years old in a marriage for last 12 years. I have a 11.5 year old son.My marriage is going through a very rough phase. My husband doesn't leave any chance to abuse me, doesn't matter where and with whom we areMy husband proposed to me knowing I have Vitiligo (discoloration of skin). Plus I was not as rich as him. I did make him aware of this before going ahead. His family was against our marriage still he went ahead. From the day of marriage he suddenly changed, and started abusing me in and out. First I thought my mother-in-law is creating problems which she did every time we came together. Infront of every maid and in the absence of my husband she tried to humiliate me based on my skin condition and financial status. But she'd become caring in his presence.After five years of marriage, for a few years we were away from family. It was peaceful and we had a nice time. But during the lockdown and online school we were back with the same problem. Now the condition is that I cannot stay with my husband. My family is very supportive but suggest that before taking any step I should think of my child. And that we should both sit and talk.If I try talking to my husband I know it will end in a fight. Kindly suggest which way should I go?
Ans:

Dear KB,

Maybe someone from the family or his friends have commented on your condition and made him feel that he made the wrong choice.

Even if it’s that, when he knew and had no objection, what is a man’s word is that he keeps it no matter what!

Now that he has gone back on it, it’s natural for others to take advantage of it and mock you for what the society considers as ‘not beautiful’.

In a way, we are obsessed with some sort of standards for what’s beautiful and what’s not. Beauty standards, you might call it so!

He seems to be a different person with his family and without, it suggests that he may not have a very strong mind to back up the decision of marrying you in the first place possibly against the wishes of his family.

Abuse, at no point is justifiable and you need to take a strong stance and draw a boundary as this is going to continue.

Your family has made a wise suggestion and for the sake of the child, it might be worth the effort to sit down have that chat with your husband however hard that might be.

Do not compromise on the fact that this so-called beauty standards and labels within his family will continue. Be unapologetic about who you are and own your beauty your way.

This is non- negotiable and you need to state this clearly when you have that conversation with him. Period!

All the best!

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Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Feb 24, 2023

Asked by Anonymous - Feb 18, 2023Hindi
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I had late marraige . My husband was very keen to marry. In fact my family was not very keen. i was the only child and my mom passed away early. After my marraige my husband family behave differently. My mom-in law never allowed our normal relationship. My husband was not financially stable. However his mother used to fulfill all his wishes as she was in job. Now she is retired. I had a steady job and academic background. So I remained financially stable. But I never got any opportunity to lead a normal conjugal life. She constantly created psychological pressure so that I stay away from my husband. My husband also was unable to protest. He was more frank in absence of mother. This strange situation forced me to stay away from my inlaws place. I started living separately. My mom-in law was cooperative as long as Im away from them. Now if my husband is sick, he is informing me, taking financial help, but not allowing me to accompany him to doctor . Its a strange situation. Now My husband is in mental problem with no financial stability and normal peace of mind. How should I tackle this situation?
Ans: I'm sorry to hear that you are going through a difficult time in your marriage. It sounds like there are multiple issues at play here, including strained relationships with your in-laws, financial instability, and your husband's mental health. Here are some steps you can take to tackle this situation:

Seek counseling: It's important for you and your husband to get professional counseling to address the issues you're facing. A counselor can provide guidance on how to manage difficult family relationships, financial stress, and mental health issues.

Set boundaries: It's important to establish clear boundaries with your in-laws. Communicate your needs and expectations with your husband and his family. This may include spending less time with them or limiting interactions with them.

Seek financial stability: If your husband is unable to contribute financially, it may be important for you to take charge of managing the household finances. This can help alleviate some of the stress and uncertainty around money.

Support your husband's mental health: Encourage your husband to seek professional help for his mental health issues. You can also offer emotional support and be there for him during this difficult time.

Focus on your own well-being: It's important for you to take care of yourself during this time. Make time for self-care activities, such as exercise, meditation, or spending time with friends and family.

Remember, these issues may take time to resolve, but with patience, understanding, and professional help, you and your husband can work through them and find a path forward.
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Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Nov 30, 2023

Asked by Anonymous - Oct 30, 2023Hindi
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I have been married for one year. My mother in law has no respect in her talking towards me. She expects me to do all the household things and she doesn't want her daughter to do any kitchen works. Most of the time I feel like she made her son marry me just to do household things. I don't need any appreciation but I can't bear her disrespectful words. And her cunning character and lies. What can I do in such situations
Ans: Dealing with a challenging mother-in-law can be a delicate situation, but it's important to address these concerns to maintain a healthy relationship with your spouse and in-lawsStart by discussing your feelings with your spouse. Share your concerns about your mother-in-law's behavior and how it's affecting you. Ensure that you both are on the same page before addressing the issue with her. When you decide to talk to your mother-in-law, pick a calm and private setting. Avoid confrontations in the heat of the moment, and try to have a rational conversation. Clearly and calmly communicate how her words and actions make you feel. Use "I" statements to express your emotions without blaming her Make it clear what behavior is unacceptable and establish boundaries. Politely but firmly communicate what you are willing and unwilling to tolerate in terms of comments and expectations. If direct communication doesn't yield positive results, consider involving a neutral third party, a trusted family member, to mediate the conversation. Strengthen your relationship with your spouse and build a support system with friends and other family members. Having a strong network can provide emotional support during challenging times. Remember, it may take time to see changes, and it's essential to approach the situation with patience and understanding. Every family dynamic is unique, and finding the right balance may require ongoing effort and communication.
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Anu

Anu Krishna  |835 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Nov 16, 2023

Asked by Anonymous - Nov 09, 2023Hindi
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Hi Anu...i hv been reading ur expertise to solve the issues of people and am really impressed. We have been married for 19years now and have a son and daughter .From the start of the marriage my wife have been inclined towards her mother and her family paying less or no heed to us. Circumstances were also favorable to her and she always got the opportunity to stay close and visit her parents often which i did not mind.We lived in Mumbai and she is from Chennai.After marriage my mom-in-law used to continuosly interfere into our lives by calling her and she used to act as per her suggestions only which led to problems as she was a puppet in the hands of my Mom-in-law. Moreover since my mom-in-law was not in good health my wife tried not to over rule as she did not want her mom to feel sick as she doesnt like to be over ruled or by pass failing which she goes on hunger strike and stop taking tablets spoiling her own health. Due to this reason everybody has been appeasing her.Initially i thought to ignore but slowly it started to affect my family as well as my wife started to see things thru my mom-in-laws perspective and find faults in everything. We shifted to overseas to stay away from all these and we really had a good life for 10 years there but since i lost job during covid i had to shift base to India for my son's education but she chose to stay back there with my daughter as she is working there.I too felt that let her spend some time so that i could settle things in India and call her but it is more than 2 years now and she refuses to come back and dont even care for us and neither call us as family. I tried to involve my in-laws to convince her but they are also playing a diplomatic game and doesnt want to go against their daughter's wish.Due to this attitude of my mom-in-law their own daughter-in-laws have been staying away and since my in-laws stay alone my wife feels that she is the only support system for her parents but it has come on my life's sacrifice. She has been ignoring us and even i kept moving for the sake of my family and children instead of respecting my feelings she has become more adamant now.Her brother is also seperated from her wife and he also looks forward for a support system from my daughter and my wife and they seem close ignoring myself and my son.We have been trying to convince her thru all means but she is caring. Even i feel that it is futile to force someone into relationship but she unknowingly spoiling my family and deprieve my son the mother;s love and also depreive my daughter from affection and love.Due to this my son has also stopped expecting from her and my daughter treats me as a stranger due to long distance. Pls suggest the way forward. Shud i wait for things to improve or leave as it is.I am 47 now and she is 45..told her that let us enjoy the best things in life rather than regretting later but she does not understand.
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
Logic does not appeal to your wife!
What can you do with someone who is adamant about ruining her own family life? It's purely clouded judgement on her part on what to do and not!
With more people dependent on your wife for support, she has found a way of moving even more away from you...what I do not understand is: how is she able to do that to your son?

Either the two of you talk this out and take firm decisions OR accept that this is how it's going to be...sooner or later, she will realize what is happening and will become more aware of her priorities. But, being where you are is painful and it will stress you even more...So, find a way to talk things out is a step that you can take NOW!

Impress upon her as to how important it is keep the family together as a unit for the children to grow in a healthy manner and also how much this time investment will help the two of you as a couple.

All the best!
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Asked by Anonymous - Apr 29, 2024Hindi
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Please help me, I am 20 years old. I pass out class 12th from Maharashtra board in 2022, I have been preparing for NEET exam from class 11th, 2 years I studied in Aakash Institute gave NEET after class 12th, my first attempt 289/720 (2022). After that I decided to take one year drop, so I went Kota studied in Allen Institute for one year, My father took a loan of 5 lakhs for me, but again I failed in second attempt 362/720(2023), came back home, enrolled in a private university for bsc biotech and along with it I again start preparing, now only 6 days left for exam & i have not touch my book since last 1 month, I studied hard for few months after second failure but then I quit studying I waste my time into relationship,porn, overthinking, masturbation etc. Now what I should do I know I will fail again in my third attempt but what I will do after that? Should I start prepare for UPSC? Should I do BBA ? Im totally confused about my future! ease someone help me should I take regular admission into some university? Should I do BA? Im totally fucked up, I have even tried to end my life so many times, I have even ran away to haridwar when I was in Kota ..but things dont happen according to me i always failed in anything I do...My friend now are in their third year they will complete their undergraduation & im here whining about my life.. even my parents have started to hate me..leave relatives...please guide me my mental health has been derailed by these exams...please help me ???? i dont jave even friends to whom i share my pain and from whom i should get guidance
Ans: Hello,
first of all, you need to calm down & settle down your negative thought process. At least you are clear & honest enough to admit your mistakes. That's the first step towards success.

Decide your goal & make a road map to achieve it. Follow it diligently & avoid distractions that come along the journey. If you are unable to control your negative thoughts seek professional counseling. All the best.
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Maxim

Maxim Emmanuel  |207 Answers  |Ask -

Soft Skills Trainer - Answered on May 02, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Apr 20, 2024Hindi
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Career
Sir, I am 27 years old, Single. Its been 2 years + I am doing private 3 years project contractual job this contractual job.its going to complete in Dec 31st 2024. I gave Ctet teacher exam but i failed 3 time. But i m not focusing in State tet so, i want focus but in market lots of content and i dont have gude what shall i do. I am not happy with my current job. This job changes me alot in my caracter now, i cant sleep properly because if this job will finished what shall i do, till yet i have not creck any exam. And if i go in market i started to forgot ex:- After giving money i forgot to take back, after giving money i forgot to take things sometime. My age also gainig if want to marry so, i have earned money or save money i have to bear all expenses because my parents financially poor if I want save, same time i need to look my younger brother study expenses i need to bear and family running mantainance and also have EMI loans need to pay and also i am helping my parents to build their house with my own money my parents does not have money for my marriage. Now i have overthinking, depression, fear, feeling lossing confident, my dream job also get critical in this situation what shall i do. In office also staff try to polling down because i am getting higher salary what shall i do. For this reason just resently my health conditions because worse my pressure 139 felt vomit feel dizzy. What shall I do now Sir.
Ans: I have gone through your query and understand that you are at the Cross roads of Life.

It's at these times... When the going gets tough... The tough gets gong.
That's your strength.. A tough resilient young lady!
Kindly note you are doing an excellent job hence rewarded with better pay in your organization.. Obviously there's going to be jealousy..Be calm & Handle it with maturity.

Now I understand you are very committed selfless person. Who's contributing a lot to your family,... Wow in fact helping build your own new horse. !

In regards to your contractual job, talk to your employer, let them know, that you would have to look for another job post December 2024 if there's no clear further commitment.

In regard to your marriage at 27 you aren't too old to find a like minded partner don't rush and regret, start the process through matrimonial apps.

I see you talk about your health, especially blood pressure, well that's because you are unduly stressed.
Add tender coconut water to your diet, talk to a proper Ayurvedic doctor..!

I am sure you will get over this mid life syndrome and invite us all for your happy day!
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