Hi I am working in an compnay since 4 yrs i had and friendship with my senior and he ia married but staying alone. His family was at native place. We both r maaried and we know about we had family but now we are in relationships since 3 years. As his family was not here i helped him in every manner in covid situtation. We know pur priority is family first. But since his family is here from one year last. He has stopped chatting talking to me. Only we are mostly having one side fight. He is now feeling irritation in talking to me normally also. During my job i m doing better than also everytime he feels irritated. I dont know what to do. Now he is saying he dont have time. He dont want to leave me. But stopped everything's. Only when he needs help he speaks to me or replies to message. I dont want to leave my job nor complaint to someone. What shoul i do dont understand. I have ensured him that i dont want him also to leave his family. Nor i want to leavemy family. I m confused what to do. I have done everything for him and now he has forgot evething. He says he love me he dont want to leave me. But at this situtation what should i do.

Ans:

Dear NK,

When a partner does not validate your feelings and uses sex as a means to deflect from the problem, it’s a red flag, right?

So, what exactly do you get by being with him? Love cannot be a means to sell your very existence no matter who that is.

Call out such behaviour. Compromises do not form part of any relationship, contrary to what’s told to us.

Mutual understanding and gentle acceptance and most importantly loving compassion is what any relationship is all about.

When those efforts of yours are not being met with love and instead it has been ignored, what else are you going to do?

Not being able to respect a partner’s family and instead insulting them to feel better or prove a point, how do you think it is going to be in the future?

Do you see these red flags or are you simply choosing to close your eyes and pretend that everything is fine?

Do the right thing, for yourself and your being and welfare. Be strong like the way that you always have been.

My best wishes to you!

Ans: My Dear Nikita,

It sounds like you have been in a challenging situation for some time, where you have been sacrificing your values and thoughts for your partner, and he has been disrespecting you with his words and behavior. It's important to remember that no one deserves to be treated with disrespect in a relationship.

It's understandable that it hurts to think about leaving the relationship, especially after investing so much time and effort into it. However, you need to prioritize your own well-being and happiness, and it seems like this relationship is not fulfilling that for you.

It's important to have a clear and honest conversation with your partner about your feelings and concerns. Let him know that his behavior has been hurtful, and that you cannot accept his condition of not working after marriage. It's important to communicate your boundaries and what you need from the relationship.

If he is not willing to respect your boundaries and make changes to improve the relationship, it may be time to consider ending it. Remember that you deserve to be in a relationship where you are respected, valued, and your needs are met. It may be difficult, but prioritizing your own well-being is important for your long-term happiness.

Ans: I'm sorry to hear about the struggles in your marriage. The stress of your husband's military career, long periods of separation, and raising a child during the pandemic have taken a toll on your relationship. Your husband's impatience and frustration might be his way of dealing with stress, which affects your intimacy and communication.

Try to approach conversations with empathy and express your feelings calmly, focusing on how you feel rather than what he's doing wrong. Small gestures of affection and quality time can help rebuild your connection. Couples therapy could also be beneficial, providing a safe space to work through issues together.

Take care of your own well-being by engaging in activities that bring you joy and maintaining support from friends and family. This self-care will give you the strength to address the challenges in your relationship.

Your feelings are valid, and seeking help shows your commitment to your marriage. With patience and professional support, there's hope for rekindling the intimacy and closeness you desire.

Ans: I'm truly sorry to hear about the difficulties you're experiencing in your marriage. It sounds incredibly challenging and painful to feel unsupported and neglected, especially when you're putting so much effort into your relationship.

First, it's essential to acknowledge your feelings and needs. Reflect on what you truly desire from your marriage. What specific actions or behaviors do you need from your husband to feel loved and supported? Understanding your needs will help you communicate them more clearly.

When you're ready, find a calm and private moment to talk with your husband. Approach the conversation with the intention of expressing your feelings and needs without blaming or accusing him. You could say something like, "Over the past few years, I've been feeling very lonely and unsupported in our marriage. I know you work hard, and I appreciate that, but I also need emotional support and affection from you. It hurts when my needs are not acknowledged, and I feel like I'm the only one putting effort into our relationship."

Using "I" statements can help focus on your feelings without sounding accusatory, which can make your partner less defensive. For example, "I feel neglected when my emotional needs are not met," or "I feel hurt when you don't acknowledge my birthday or special occasions." This way, you're communicating your feelings without placing blame directly on him.

Be specific about what you need from him. Instead of making general statements, provide clear examples of what would make you feel better. For instance, you might say, "It would mean a lot to me if we could have some alone time, maybe go on a date once a month," or "I would love it if you could ask how my day was and really listen."

If talking to your husband directly doesn’t lead to any changes, consider seeking couples counseling. A therapist can provide a neutral space where both of you can express your feelings and work on improving your relationship. Counseling can help you both understand each other better and develop strategies to meet each other's needs more effectively.

Remember, it's crucial to take care of yourself during this process. Lean on friends or family for support, and consider speaking with a therapist on your own to help navigate these feelings and challenges. You deserve to feel loved, respected, and supported in your marriage, and it's important to advocate for your own well-being.

Ans: Dear Anonymous,
Your feelings are valid. It is indeed difficult to adjust to an unexpressive partner. One out of two things can be happening here- one, he does not know how to express his emotions; that is who he is fundamentally. Two, the work pressure and hectic hours have made him detached. You can try having an open conversation with him about it and let him know that you are not being able to carry on like this. Communicate your concerns and how his attitude toward you has affected your mental health. That is the only way to move forward. After the conversation either of two things will happen- it will be a wake-up call for him and things will change for the better. Or, he will continue to behave the same way and you have to rethink the relationship. My suggestion is to have the talk after your exams. I know you think he is your everything, but you are your everything. Do not let this relationship waste the years of hard work you have put into your studies. Focus on yourself and trust me when I say this- value yourself the way you want others to value you. If you don't, why would anyone else?

I hope this helps. Best Wishes.