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Kanchan Rai |646 Answers |Ask -Follow

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on May 21, 2024

Kanchan Rai has 10 years of experience in therapy, nurturing soft skills and leadership coaching. She is the founder of the Let Us Talk Foundation, which offers mindfulness workshops to help people stay emotionally and mentally healthy.
Rai has a degree in leadership development and customer centricity from Harvard Business School, Boston. She is an internationally certified coach from the International Coaching Federation, a global organisation in professional coaching.... more

Asked by Anonymous - May 20, 2024Hindi

Hello, iam 30 yrs old and have been married for 7 years. My husband is 34 years old, I have a 4 year old daughter. My husband is an army man. My daughter was born during covid so for almost 1 year me and my husband were in long distance. After that my husband took both of us along with him. We used to be happy together but at times whenever I used to show little irritation or talk about something he used to get impatient and frustrated. Even our intimate moments got reduced. I tried to talk even about it but his male ego never accepted my confrontation. Now again we had to stay away due to his work-life. I too started working. I felt maybe because of work stress he was like that. And when I'll also start working I'll understand his problem. But though my work is stressful and I try to take out time to talk to him romantically. But he feels so distant. Whenever I try to ask him, he gives me reason of work, weather, what not. I know he cannot cheat on me as he calls just me whenever he gets time. I'm not concerned that he doesn't love me but what's wrong with out intimate moments. Why is not interested. Atleast he can talk to me about his issue instead of just shouting or blaming me for being too desperate. I feel so hurt and distant. In angry moments i get this thought of going away from him.. finding solace in someone. But i just try to wane that thought away. Please help me..

Ans: I'm sorry to hear about the struggles in your marriage. The stress of your husband's military career, long periods of separation, and raising a child during the pandemic have taken a toll on your relationship. Your husband's impatience and frustration might be his way of dealing with stress, which affects your intimacy and communication.

Try to approach conversations with empathy and express your feelings calmly, focusing on how you feel rather than what he's doing wrong. Small gestures of affection and quality time can help rebuild your connection. Couples therapy could also be beneficial, providing a safe space to work through issues together.

Take care of your own well-being by engaging in activities that bring you joy and maintaining support from friends and family. This self-care will give you the strength to address the challenges in your relationship.

Your feelings are valid, and seeking help shows your commitment to your marriage. With patience and professional support, there's hope for rekindling the intimacy and closeness you desire.

Asked on - May 21, 2024 | Answered on Jun 06, 2024

But he is never ready for any counselling. Even my parents tried to counsel him. Since our marriage the relationship with his parents got strained and neither of us talk to them. I feel that must be one reason. He never talks openly about anything to me. I try to show love to him in many ways. But i don't know what exactly he wants. He never answers basic questions of what he wants to eat today. How are you feeling and all. I feel so emotionally detached from him. Even when I cry or be sad he never tries to console me. In these years i never saw him completely joyful. Whenever I ask him he says I'm the way I'm. I was always like this. I'm a very joyful talkative person. He is polar opposite. Even a small joke is crack he never understands them and additionally he even feels irritated. I'm changing day by day. More serious, not enjoying, not going out. It's like I have given up on my little happiness.

Ans: First, recognize that your happiness and well-being are important. While it's commendable that you've tried to support your husband and show him love in many ways, it's also crucial to take care of yourself. Make time for activities that bring you joy and help you recharge, whether it's spending time with friends, pursuing hobbies, or simply taking a break for yourself.

Second, consider expressing your feelings to your husband in a calm, non-confrontational way. Share how his lack of communication and emotional detachment are affecting you. Use "I" statements to avoid sounding accusatory, such as, "I feel lonely and disconnected when we don't communicate or share moments of joy."

Since he resists counseling, look for alternative ways to open up communication. Sometimes indirect approaches, like writing him a letter, can help express your feelings without immediate pressure. If he continues to resist, focus on creating a supportive environment where he might eventually feel more comfortable opening up.

It's also important to reflect on your own boundaries and limits. If you've been trying to reach out and improve the relationship but see no reciprocation, consider what you're willing to accept and where you might need to draw the line for your own mental and emotional health.

Seek support from trusted friends, family members, or support groups. Talking to others who understand can provide emotional relief and practical advice. Even if he is unwilling to attend counseling, you might benefit from individual therapy to help process your feelings and develop coping strategies.

Finally, if the situation remains unchanged and continues to impact your well-being, it may be necessary to evaluate your long-term options. Your happiness and mental health are vital, and you deserve to be in a relationship where your emotional needs are met.

Remember that you're not alone, and it's okay to seek help and take steps to ensure your own well-being. Your efforts to maintain the relationship are commendable, but it's also important to recognize when it's time to prioritize yourself.

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Anu Krishna |1746 Answers |Ask -Follow

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Nov 23, 2022

Question by Anonymous - Nov 23, 2022Hindi

Hi Anu, plz helpI am 42 years old and married since 9 years. We (husband and I) are childless. It's nine years since our marriage but we have not been intimate for even 90 times. My husband has no interest in sex. He had shown interest only in first week of marriage after that He never initiate. I understand his nature and always try to initiate but he always gives cold shoulder, he never reciprocates warmly, never holds me tightly or kisses willing. I always have to force' him or ask him to kiss or hug me. And this turns my mood off. This way we seldom have sex. I eagerly want it at least once a month and have told him, forced him several times but all in vain. I get frustrated. I feel restless. I can't share this with anyone. Whenever I try to get close, he ignores. Both of us respect and love each other. We don’t have extra marital affair. He cares for me too. I feel like running away from this situation but I love him and don’t want to leave him alone. Please respond.

Ans:

Dear Anonymous,

When there is a challenge with physical intimacy, it could be a physiological or a psychological problem. Either case, it needs some treatment.

But the worse could be conditioning about sex from childhood.

We all carry our maps when it comes to sex and beliefs around it. Along comes so many people and media and more who draw on these maps and we are left at the mercy of things that don’t belong to us.

Since he cares for you as you mentioned it, can you request him to sit down with you for an honest conversation where you can express all of this to him.

Who knows he might be willing to understand, and things can flow from there on.

Be kind instead of accusatory in your tone during the conversation. This will help ease him as well. But of course, if he resists the request, you might suggest that he see a professional.

It might again be met with some resistance but well, you need to try every trick in the book to meet an outcome.

Also, be aware that physical intimacy happens when the closeness develops outside the bedroom. So, spend a lot of time together, laugh a lot.

Praise his efforts in the marriage and appreciate the qualities in him.

Most often men who avoid sex simply suffer from low self-esteem and self-worth. So, play along and mean every compliment from the heart.

Best wishes to you!

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Kanchan Rai |646 Answers |Ask -Follow

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Dec 28, 2023

Asked by Anonymous - Dec 27, 2023Hindi