My wife and I argue almost every week. Sometimes it's about house chores like who will clean up, sometimes over bigger things like paying bills money or inviting friends. After every fight, she will say sorry, and promise there won't be any argument. But last couple of months, she has stopped apologising and refused to talk to me. We havent spoken properly for a long time now. I have tried initiating but she thinks it is pointless. Is frequent fighting normal in relationships? Should I ignore or do something about it?

Ans: Dear S, It does seem that you have concluded what’s going to happen before you have tried everything in the treasure chest?

Relationships can have a long life if we are willing to set aside our differences and keep egos at bay. Now read on and think deeper about these questions.

What went on between your wife and mother/sisters? Did you wife end up feeling hurt and lonely? Did she feel that you sided with your mother and sisters more than you did with her?

Constant arguments about things from the past honestly can lead to no good. It is important to know what exactly your wife feels at this very moment, but it seems like she doesn’t want to talk to you.

When you say you have made many efforts towards her and her family, why do you think, she hasn’t come back home or why has she stopped talking to you?

You did mention that she finds a reason to get pissed, but is there something that she expects from you or a certain behaviour that might help her get to an even ground?

Will involving a senior family member to talk to someone senior family member (not your mother) on her side?

With their experiences and their calm minds, they maybe able to break the ice between both sides and get the two of you to talk.

Please find a neutral member on both sides who can arrange for this in a wise manner without bringing in egos or past battles inside.

Communication must be re-established and throwing your hands up in the air may not be very useful if you want your marriage to continue.

Yes, past need not be brought back into the present, but it is necessary to understand what is going on in her mind before concluding anything.

Ans: Dear M, the lockdown has been straining on many families in terms of relationship maintenance and connecting 24/7.

Even if this is not the issue, it is imperative to understand the reason for her mood ups and downs.

Since I don't have any information on her age, if she’s in her 40s, it could hormonal also. Bringing the past can simply be a manifestation of what’s going on within her.

It is possible that she is simply exhausted from all the house-work that has surely gone up for all homemakers in the past year or so.

Give her a day off every week and offer to take care of the household chores with the help of your daughters.

They are old enough to be part of this and they maybe able to reach out to their mother faster.

Also set aside some time from your schedule as a couple to talk about the day/week and plan for some activity to do together that involves just the two of you.

Marriages after a point in time reach a plateau and needs some spice and excitement.

Taking each other or each other’s needs for granted can cause a deterioration in relationships and it helps if every individual in that relationship takes the onus of doing ‘more’, thinking ‘more’, feeling ‘more’ for the other individual.

This definitely helps recreate the relationship and you get a chance to start all over again.

Best wishes for a beautiful life.

Ans:

You have left out one very important piece of information. Do you and your wife live with your mother and sisters?

I know in-laws are a bone of contention in most households at some point, but it comes to such an extreme only when people are forced to cohabitate with them. And if this is the case, you need to change the living arrangements pronto.

Never mind whether your wife is right or your family is right; if you want to save your marriage and improve relations between your family and your wife, move out. Immediately.

I’d like you to write in again and tell me exactly what’s going on. And this is for both of you -- if you don’t let go of the past and forgive each other’s past mistakes, you’ll never move forward.

The idea is not to repeat them and fall into old patterns of behaviour.

You need to make a promise to each other that, when having a discussion, neither will rake up past fights unless they have an extreme bearing on the current scenario.

Ans: Dear Savendra,
I am sure this can throw you off balance when you don't understand the reason as to what is it that makes her upset. It is possible that she is at that age where her hormones are all over the place and this can cause mood related changes. Kindly visit a doctor who will be able to advice further on this.
As a couple, I would suggest spending more time together on holidays or date nights...you are never old to party or go on dates or simply catch up a cup of coffee together. This makes your bond stronger and newer as well.
Sometimes emotional challenges or lack of closeness can show up as anger or sadness...
Try newer ways of connecting...it will surely help you two get closer!

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

Ans: Start by setting aside a calm moment to have a serious discussion with your wife about how her behavior affects you and the children. Use "I" statements to express your feelings, like "I feel hurt when you compare me to other men" or "I feel stressed when our discussions turn into arguments." This approach can help her see your perspective without feeling attacked.

Next, it might be helpful to set some boundaries. Explain that while you're committed to your marriage, you can't tolerate behavior that is disrespectful or harmful to the family. Clearly define what is acceptable and what is not, and let her know that continuous conflicts will have consequences for your relationship.

Consider seeking professional help through couples therapy or counseling. A neutral third party can help facilitate conversations, address underlying issues, and improve communication between you two. If your wife is resistant, you might still consider going alone to seek support and strategies for yourself.

When discussing her conversations with other men, emphasize your concerns for her safety and emotional well-being. Let her know that these interactions can create more significant issues in your relationship, especially with children involved. Encourage her to focus on building a strong family foundation rather than seeking validation from others.

Lastly, prioritize your daughters' well-being. Make sure they feel secure and loved, regardless of the challenges you're facing. If necessary, seek support from trusted friends or family members to help you navigate this situation.

Remember that you deserve respect and support in your relationship. If things do not improve despite your efforts, you may need to consider your options moving forward for your happiness and the well-being of your children.