Home > Relationship > Question
Need Expert Advice?Our Gurus Can Help
Love Guru

Love Guru   |155 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert - Answered on Dec 21, 2021

Anonymous Question by Anonymous on Dec 21, 2021Translate
Listen
Relationship

I am in a relationship since nine years, including four years of marriage.
Since the day of marriage, I am having regular fights with my wife concerning my mother and sisters.
Of late, I am feeling like I have lost the love between the two of us.
We have stopped talking and are not even getting a chance to spend some time together. Whenever we do, we end up arguing about past mistakes and all. We never talk about the future.
During the second wave of the pandemic, we came to our native place. After spending some good days, she went to her home for some days and now she is not willing to come back.
We recently had a fight over phone and stopped talking. Then I started calling her and talking to her but she does not seem to be in a mood to talk.
Now, I have stopped talking to her.
I am bit worried as I feel like I am left alone.
Despite so many efforts towards her and her family , she finds a reason to get pissed about me.
I am not sure anymore what to do.
If I try to make her understand, then this is again the same situation happening since four years.
If I don’t, then I know she won’t be taking any initiative from her side.
Please suggest.

Ans:

You have left out one very important piece of information. Do you and your wife live with your mother and sisters?

I know in-laws are a bone of contention in most households at some point, but it comes to such an extreme only when people are forced to cohabitate with them. And if this is the case, you need to change the living arrangements pronto.

Never mind whether your wife is right or your family is right; if you want to save your marriage and improve relations between your family and your wife, move out. Immediately.

I’d like you to write in again and tell me exactly what’s going on. And this is for both of you -- if you don’t let go of the past and forgive each other’s past mistakes, you’ll never move forward.

The idea is not to repeat them and fall into old patterns of behaviour.

You need to make a promise to each other that, when having a discussion, neither will rake up past fights unless they have an extreme bearing on the current scenario.

You may like to see similar questions and answers below

Anu

Anu Krishna  |626 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Aug 12, 2021

Listen
Relationship
Dear Anu, I am a 44-year-old married man. My wife and I had a love marriage. But just after the birth of our second child we started developing some smaller differences and issues. Nothing really major. However my wife started staying away from me physically. The intimacy and love in the relationship reduced and eventually stopped. Along the way I tried to go close to her but she wasn't interested. I tried a lot but it didn't help. We even tried to go to the counselor but she wasn't quite interested so we stopped midway. Now eight years have passed since we have had any physical closeness. We live like roommates just looking after the kids. However now my wife is making attempts to come close to me but somehow I don't feel anything for her and I am not co-operating. I feel like I just want to go away from everyone and start living independently. What is your advice? We have two daughters.
Ans: Dear N, What went through your wife’s mind at the time of the birth of your second child is something that needs to be addressed.

Maybe the work of bringing up two children exhausted her or there was a hormonal disturbance that made her lose interest. But let bygones be bygones.

Now that she is trying to get closer, maybe you can also try to see what the two of you can do to rebuild the closeness.

Rather than jump straight to sex, create closeness step by step.

Spend quality time together, watch movies, engage in a hobby together, cook together…the fondness and affection outside the bedroom might help breaking the ice and you start to at least engage in an affectionate manner towards one another.

It is easy to walk out of a marriage but do remember what the reason to walk out will be?

After a few years, it might not been worth it at all…Why not at least give the above suggestions a try?

Engage as friends with no expectations from one another and let the purpose be a happy engagement just like the one we have with out friends.

You also have two daughters who definitely want to be in a loving family; so give this a chance and see if it works out. You have nothing to lose but everything to gain.

(more)
Anu

Anu Krishna  |626 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jun 15, 2021

Listen
Relationship
I am in a relationship for 9 years including 4 years of marriage. Since the day of marriage, I am having regular fights with my wife concerning my mother and sisters. Of late, I am feeling like I have lost the love between the two of us. We have stopped talking and don’t get a chance to spend some time together. Whenever we do, we end up arguing about past mistakes and all. We never talk about the future. During this pandemic second wave, we came to our native place and after spending some good days, she went to her home for some days and now she is not willing to come back. We recently had a fight over phone and stopped talking. I started calling her and talking to her but she does not seem to be in a mood to talk. Now I have stopped talking to her. I am a bit worried as I feel like I am left alone. Despite so many efforts towards her and her family, she finds a reason to get pissed at me every time. I am not sure anymore what to do. I try to make her understand. We are in the same situation for 4 years. If I don't, she won't be taking any initiative from her end.
Ans: Dear S, It does seem that you have concluded what’s going to happen before you have tried everything in the treasure chest?

Relationships can have a long life if we are willing to set aside our differences and keep egos at bay. Now read on and think deeper about these questions.

What went on between your wife and mother/sisters? Did you wife end up feeling hurt and lonely? Did she feel that you sided with your mother and sisters more than you did with her?

Constant arguments about things from the past honestly can lead to no good. It is important to know what exactly your wife feels at this very moment, but it seems like she doesn’t want to talk to you.

When you say you have made many efforts towards her and her family, why do you think, she hasn’t come back home or why has she stopped talking to you?

You did mention that she finds a reason to get pissed, but is there something that she expects from you or a certain behaviour that might help her get to an even ground?

Will involving a senior family member to talk to someone senior family member (not your mother) on her side?

With their experiences and their calm minds, they maybe able to break the ice between both sides and get the two of you to talk.

Please find a neutral member on both sides who can arrange for this in a wise manner without bringing in egos or past battles inside.

Communication must be re-established and throwing your hands up in the air may not be very useful if you want your marriage to continue.

Yes, past need not be brought back into the present, but it is necessary to understand what is going on in her mind before concluding anything.

(more)
Love Guru

Love Guru   |155 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert - Answered on Sep 14, 2022

Listen
Relationship
Hi. First of all would like to stay anonymous. Been married for 9 yrs. 5 yrs after marriage had a kid. We were having issues during this time though it was not very huge (that's what I thought). My mom and she were having issues, which were spilling over to me too. She was from a small town and always comparing how easy life is there as against the metro life (i Always been here and like it). She used to go her town for some reason or other for extended periods of time. But v were in love. Few years after the kid, she started becoming aloof. I suspected something wrong. This time when she went back to her place too rarely used to call me or answer my calls. When she came back, I checked her phone and found her sharing her feelings with her guy friend for him. This upset me and i shared her betrayal with family and friends out of anger. But she tried convincing me that he is just friend etc. After my few weeks of anger, i said let's work on the relationship and let me know what to do. I sent mom over to another house too.  However one day she said she wants to meet her parents and come back. Once she went there, she didn't tell me when she plans to come over. Her parents kept telling that she will come after so and so. After 7 months, she said that she won't come back to my city. She said she wants to separate. I tried hard convincing her that things will change and she should give the relationship a chance. She also avoids going to counsellor. After me visiting her place for few number of times, she seems to now suggest that she will come for sometime to my city and go and i can also visit her for sometime. She is not agreeing to move to the city and stay with me. She has admitted our kid to the school there. She rarely talks on phone to me. Though my kid calls me often. She mentioned that the guy got married and she is not in touch. What do you think i should do? Wait for her to come around or legally separate and move on?( 40 now) I am confused. She says she can't say about the future but currently she doesn't want to stay in my town. Regards
Ans:

You have a child together and it sounds like you both still want the marriage to work. So here's what you should do, at least for now -- compromise.

She absolutely must commit to seeing a marital counsellor with you and, in exchange, she can live in her hometown for the moment and you undertake the commute to see her and your child regularly.

There's no other man in the picture anymore and she's obviously been through a lot; you've been oblivious to her misery living with your mother all those years.

This seems to be a problem with most Indian men today; your wife doesn't need to live with your mother any more than you need to live with hers!

And, as a result, she went and had an emotional, if not physical, affair.

I understand your frustration but making that information public made everything worse. That's probably the main reason why she doesn't want to live there anymore and you need to understand that.

Your marriage needs a lot of work; make the effort, both of you, to save it. 

(more)
Dr Ashish

Dr Ashish Sehgal  |78 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Mar 16, 2023

Listen
I am 33 year old and my wife is 2 year elder than me, we married in 2014 and we have a son who is 5 year old. But i noticed from last 6 years she didn't interested in me. I tried a lot to make her smile many times i do what she want, even if i do something i want she never be so happy. I done a conversation with her a lot about that but she said she is not fit, she always think about her anxiety and cervical issue. We hardly do sex sometimes maybe once in a month, she never ask me to do, she try to hide her feelings her lot i ask many times to be open. She just show anger on me many times on small topics, even she picks issues and those are very small. I ask already do you like to take divorce then tell me, but she didn't replied and angry again. She just give a excuse that i am not well having cervical pain, even we go to many doctors. Many times she is watching reels and Kdramas she keep ignoring me. What should i do ? Sometimes i think i should find someone outside for my happy life ? Because like that i kill my feelings and myself i think that because this is not compromise for family as i think ?
Ans: It is sad to hear that you are experiencing this in your marriage. It's important to understand that a lack of interest or intimacy in a marriage can have many different causes, including physical and emotional issues. It's also important to remember that communication is key in any relationship, and it sounds like you have tried to have conversations with your wife about your concerns.

However, it's also important to recognize that if you are feeling unfulfilled and unhappy in your marriage, seeking intimacy outside of the marriage is not a solution. Infidelity can cause irreparable damage to a relationship and can also be emotionally devastating for all parties involved.

Instead, I would encourage you to continue to communicate with your wife about your concerns and explore different ways to address the issues that you are experiencing. This may involve seeking counseling or therapy together, or it may involve taking steps to address any physical or emotional issues that are impacting your wife's interest in intimacy.

Ultimately, the decision to end a marriage is a deeply personal one that should be made after careful consideration and with the guidance of a professional counselor or therapist. If you feel like your needs are not being met in your marriage and you are considering divorce, I would encourage you to seek the support and guidance of a qualified professional to help you navigate this difficult process.
(more)
Latest Questions
DISCLAIMER: The content of this post by the expert is the personal view of the rediffGURU. Investment in securities market are subject to market risks. Read all the related document carefully before investing. The securities quoted are for illustration only and are not recommendatory. Users are advised to pursue the information provided by the rediffGURU only as a source of information and as a point of reference and to rely on their own judgement when making a decision. RediffGURUS is an intermediary as per India's Information Technology Act.

Close  

You haven't logged in yet. To ask a question, Please Log in below
Login

A verification OTP will be sent to this
Mobile Number / Email

Enter OTP
A 6 digit code has been sent to

Resend OTP in120seconds

Dear User, You have not registered yet. Please register by filling the fields below to get expert answers from our Gurus
Sign up

By signing up, you agree to our
Terms & Conditions and Privacy Policy

Already have an account?

Enter OTP
A 6 digit code has been sent to Mobile

Resend OTP in120seconds

x