I am in a relationship since nine years, including four years of marriage.
Since the day of marriage, I am having regular fights with my wife concerning my mother and sisters.
Of late, I am feeling like I have lost the love between the two of us.
We have stopped talking and are not even getting a chance to spend some time together. Whenever we do, we end up arguing about past mistakes and all. We never talk about the future.
During the second wave of the pandemic, we came to our native place. After spending some good days, she went to her home for some days and now she is not willing to come back.
We recently had a fight over phone and stopped talking. Then I started calling her and talking to her but she does not seem to be in a mood to talk.
Now, I have stopped talking to her.
I am bit worried as I feel like I am left alone.
Despite so many efforts towards her and her family , she finds a reason to get pissed about me.
I am not sure anymore what to do.
If I try to make her understand, then this is again the same situation happening since four years.
If I don’t, then I know she won’t be taking any initiative from her side.
You have left out one very important piece of information. Do you and your wife live with your mother and sisters?
I know in-laws are a bone of contention in most households at some point, but it comes to such an extreme only when people are forced to cohabitate with them. And if this is the case, you need to change the living arrangements pronto.
Never mind whether your wife is right or your family is right; if you want to save your marriage and improve relations between your family and your wife, move out. Immediately.
I’d like you to write in again and tell me exactly what’s going on. And this is for both of you -- if you don’t let go of the past and forgive each other’s past mistakes, you’ll never move forward.
The idea is not to repeat them and fall into old patterns of behaviour.
You need to make a promise to each other that, when having a discussion, neither will rake up past fights unless they have an extreme bearing on the current scenario.
You may like to see similar questions and answers below
Maybe the work of bringing up two children exhausted her or there was a hormonal disturbance that made her lose interest. But let bygones be bygones.
Now that she is trying to get closer, maybe you can also try to see what the two of you can do to rebuild the closeness.
Rather than jump straight to sex, create closeness step by step.
Spend quality time together, watch movies, engage in a hobby together, cook together…the fondness and affection outside the bedroom might help breaking the ice and you start to at least engage in an affectionate manner towards one another.
It is easy to walk out of a marriage but do remember what the reason to walk out will be?
After a few years, it might not been worth it at all…Why not at least give the above suggestions a try?
Engage as friends with no expectations from one another and let the purpose be a happy engagement just like the one we have with out friends.
You also have two daughters who definitely want to be in a loving family; so give this a chance and see if it works out. You have nothing to lose but everything to gain.
Relationships can have a long life if we are willing to set aside our differences and keep egos at bay. Now read on and think deeper about these questions.
What went on between your wife and mother/sisters? Did you wife end up feeling hurt and lonely? Did she feel that you sided with your mother and sisters more than you did with her?
Constant arguments about things from the past honestly can lead to no good. It is important to know what exactly your wife feels at this very moment, but it seems like she doesn’t want to talk to you.
When you say you have made many efforts towards her and her family, why do you think, she hasn’t come back home or why has she stopped talking to you?
You did mention that she finds a reason to get pissed, but is there something that she expects from you or a certain behaviour that might help her get to an even ground?
Will involving a senior family member to talk to someone senior family member (not your mother) on her side?
With their experiences and their calm minds, they maybe able to break the ice between both sides and get the two of you to talk.
Please find a neutral member on both sides who can arrange for this in a wise manner without bringing in egos or past battles inside.
Communication must be re-established and throwing your hands up in the air may not be very useful if you want your marriage to continue.
Yes, past need not be brought back into the present, but it is necessary to understand what is going on in her mind before concluding anything.
You have a child together and it sounds like you both still want the marriage to work. So here's what you should do, at least for now -- compromise.
She absolutely must commit to seeing a marital counsellor with you and, in exchange, she can live in her hometown for the moment and you undertake the commute to see her and your child regularly.
There's no other man in the picture anymore and she's obviously been through a lot; you've been oblivious to her misery living with your mother all those years.
This seems to be a problem with most Indian men today; your wife doesn't need to live with your mother any more than you need to live with hers!
And, as a result, she went and had an emotional, if not physical, affair.
I understand your frustration but making that information public made everything worse. That's probably the main reason why she doesn't want to live there anymore and you need to understand that.
Your marriage needs a lot of work; make the effort, both of you, to save it.