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Love Guru

Love Guru   |204 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert - Answered on Dec 21, 2021

Love Guru has been answering relationship and romance related questions on Rediff.com for over 13 years. She won't mince words when telling you what the problem is and what you can do about it. If you want a fresh perspective from an unbiased, objective-thinking individual about your relationship woes, Love Guru could just be the person you need to need to hear from.... more
Anonymous Question by Anonymous on Dec 21, 2021Hindi
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Relationship

I am in a relationship since nine years, including four years of marriage.
Since the day of marriage, I am having regular fights with my wife concerning my mother and sisters.
Of late, I am feeling like I have lost the love between the two of us.
We have stopped talking and are not even getting a chance to spend some time together. Whenever we do, we end up arguing about past mistakes and all. We never talk about the future.
During the second wave of the pandemic, we came to our native place. After spending some good days, she went to her home for some days and now she is not willing to come back.
We recently had a fight over phone and stopped talking. Then I started calling her and talking to her but she does not seem to be in a mood to talk.
Now, I have stopped talking to her.
I am bit worried as I feel like I am left alone.
Despite so many efforts towards her and her family , she finds a reason to get pissed about me.
I am not sure anymore what to do.
If I try to make her understand, then this is again the same situation happening since four years.
If I don’t, then I know she won’t be taking any initiative from her side.
Please suggest.

Ans:

You have left out one very important piece of information. Do you and your wife live with your mother and sisters?

I know in-laws are a bone of contention in most households at some point, but it comes to such an extreme only when people are forced to cohabitate with them. And if this is the case, you need to change the living arrangements pronto.

Never mind whether your wife is right or your family is right; if you want to save your marriage and improve relations between your family and your wife, move out. Immediately.

I’d like you to write in again and tell me exactly what’s going on. And this is for both of you -- if you don’t let go of the past and forgive each other’s past mistakes, you’ll never move forward.

The idea is not to repeat them and fall into old patterns of behaviour.

You need to make a promise to each other that, when having a discussion, neither will rake up past fights unless they have an extreme bearing on the current scenario.

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Anu

Anu Krishna  |1449 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jun 15, 2021

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I am in a relationship for 9 years including 4 years of marriage. Since the day of marriage, I am having regular fights with my wife concerning my mother and sisters. Of late, I am feeling like I have lost the love between the two of us. We have stopped talking and don’t get a chance to spend some time together. Whenever we do, we end up arguing about past mistakes and all. We never talk about the future. During this pandemic second wave, we came to our native place and after spending some good days, she went to her home for some days and now she is not willing to come back. We recently had a fight over phone and stopped talking. I started calling her and talking to her but she does not seem to be in a mood to talk. Now I have stopped talking to her. I am a bit worried as I feel like I am left alone. Despite so many efforts towards her and her family, she finds a reason to get pissed at me every time. I am not sure anymore what to do. I try to make her understand. We are in the same situation for 4 years. If I don't, she won't be taking any initiative from her end.
Ans: Dear S, It does seem that you have concluded what’s going to happen before you have tried everything in the treasure chest?

Relationships can have a long life if we are willing to set aside our differences and keep egos at bay. Now read on and think deeper about these questions.

What went on between your wife and mother/sisters? Did you wife end up feeling hurt and lonely? Did she feel that you sided with your mother and sisters more than you did with her?

Constant arguments about things from the past honestly can lead to no good. It is important to know what exactly your wife feels at this very moment, but it seems like she doesn’t want to talk to you.

When you say you have made many efforts towards her and her family, why do you think, she hasn’t come back home or why has she stopped talking to you?

You did mention that she finds a reason to get pissed, but is there something that she expects from you or a certain behaviour that might help her get to an even ground?

Will involving a senior family member to talk to someone senior family member (not your mother) on her side?

With their experiences and their calm minds, they maybe able to break the ice between both sides and get the two of you to talk.

Please find a neutral member on both sides who can arrange for this in a wise manner without bringing in egos or past battles inside.

Communication must be re-established and throwing your hands up in the air may not be very useful if you want your marriage to continue.

Yes, past need not be brought back into the present, but it is necessary to understand what is going on in her mind before concluding anything.

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Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |496 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Mar 06, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Feb 06, 2024Hindi
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Relationship
I've been married for 9 years and I love my wife and 2 beautiful kids infinitely. I have an issue where my voice gets raised when she taunts me, tells lies, keeps stuff hiding or that gets converted into an argument and finally, my wife stops talking with me for days/months (last time she took 2 months to start talking normally which lasted less than a month) I always apologise for my overreaction but still she cries and says I’ve sacrificed everything for you and tell me what have you sacrificed till date and to be honest I’m not a person to count the sacrifices that I do for my family because it’s my family and it’s my love & responsibility towards them. However, I keep trying by apologising and she still shows me attitude and taunts me always trying to make me realise my mistake then again I become furious and I feel like all my efforts of making life normal are going in vain which triggers a lot of pain in me and I mentally & and emotionally suffer. I many times told her that I only live for you & kids. I told her my anger would last for a few minutes but I'll become normal in some time and I also told her that I'll work on my anger & reactions in future. I told her many times that not everyone is perfect if I have 1 negative point, then I also have 1 positive point and vice versa. I now feel like I'm compromising my mental & and emotional health and she kept me also away from my physical needs when I needed the most. I don’t need anything else but support and love in the ups & downs of my life as a normal couple. I just need my wife to understand me as a human who can make mistakes and try to learn from them. I don’t know what to do as I just can’t suffer from her behaviour towards me and sometimes alone or at bedtime, I feel as if she is happy without me and doesn’t want to make our life normal as a family then why don’t I give her peace by letting her go or I end everything.
Ans: I'm sorry to hear about the challenges you're facing. It's clear that both you and your wife are experiencing significant distress, and it's important to find constructive ways to address these issues and improve your relationship. Effective communication is key to resolving conflicts and strengthening relationships. Focus on active listening, empathy, and expressing your thoughts and feelings in a calm and respectful manner. Encourage open and honest dialogue with your wife, and be willing to listen to her concerns and perspective without becoming defensive or dismissive It's commendable that you recognize the need to work on your anger and reactions. Consider seeking individual therapy or counseling to explore healthy coping mechanisms, stress management techniques, and strategies for managing anger in a constructive way. Learning to regulate your emotions can help reduce conflicts and improve communication in your relationship Make an effort to prioritize positive interactions and moments of connection in your relationship. Engage in activities that bring you joy and strengthen your bond as a couple and as a family. Celebrate each other's accomplishments, express gratitude, and show appreciation for the small gestures of love and kindness. Ultimately, every relationship requires effort, understanding, and compromise from both partners. It's important to approach these challenges with patience, compassion, and a willingness to work towards positive change. If despite your best efforts, the relationship continues to cause you significant distress and unhappiness, it may be necessary to reevaluate your options and consider what is best for your overall well-being.

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Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |496 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Mar 06, 2024

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Relationship
I've been married for 9 years and I love my wife and 2 beautiful kids infinitely. I have an issue where my voice gets raised when she taunts me, tells lies, keeps stuff hiding or that gets converted into an argument and finally, my wife stops talking with me for days/months (last time she took 2 months to start talking normally which lasted less than a month) I always apologise for my overreaction but still she cries and says I’ve sacrificed everything for you and tell me what have you sacrificed till date and to be honest I’m not a person to count the sacrifices that I do for my family because it’s my family and it’s my love & responsibility towards them. However, I keep trying by apologising and she still shows me attitude and taunts me always trying to make me realise my mistake then again I become furious and I feel like all my efforts of making life normal are going in vain which triggers a lot of pain in me and I mentally & and emotionally suffer. I many times told her that I only live for you & kids. I told her my anger would last for a few minutes but I'll become normal in some time and I also told her that I'll work on my anger & reactions in future. I told her many times that not everyone is perfect if I have 1 negative point, then I also have 1 positive point and vice versa. I now feel like I'm compromising my mental & and emotional health and she kept me also away from my physical needs when I needed the most. I don’t need anything else but support and love in the ups & downs of my life as a normal couple. I just need my wife to understand me as a human who can make mistakes and try to learn from them. I don’t know what to do as I just can’t suffer from her behaviour towards me and sometimes alone or at bedtime, I feel as if she is happy without me and doesn’t want to make our life normal as a family then why don’t I give her peace by letting her go or I end everything.
Ans: It sounds like you're dealing with a lot of emotional turmoil and frustration, and it's important to find constructive ways to address these issues and improve your relationship. Effective communication is key to resolving conflicts and strengthening relationships. It's important to have open and honest conversations with your wife about your feelings, concerns, and the impact of her behavior on your well-being. Encourage her to share her perspective as well, and try to listen empathetically without becoming defensive Consider seeking individual therapy or counseling to explore healthy coping mechanisms, stress management techniques, and strategies for managing anger in a constructive way. Learning to regulate your emotions can help reduce conflicts and improve communication in your relationship Make an effort to prioritize positive interactions and moments of connection in your relationship. Engage in activities that bring you joy and strengthen your bond as a couple and as a family. Celebrate each other's accomplishments, express gratitude, and show appreciation for the small gestures of love and kindness. Ultimately, every relationship requires effort, understanding, and compromise from both partners. It's important to approach these challenges with patience, compassion, and a willingness to work towards positive change. If despite your best efforts, the relationship continues to cause you significant distress and unhappiness, it may be necessary to reevaluate your options and consider what is best for your overall well-being.

..Read more

Love Guru

Love Guru   |204 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert - Answered on Apr 16, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Apr 15, 2024Hindi
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Relationship
Hello sir I am 37 years old male and married since 5 years and we had little girl of 4 years old. I need some advice for my relationship. We had problems in our relationship since the beginning of our engagement, as initially I was unaware of my wife's extra marital affairs when I come to know about it she told why she started to see other boy during engagement period also after our marriage as I wasn't upto her expectations, that was the time of 2019 . We had discussed about all each others expectations and solved the problem I tried to regain the confidence in our relationship but still somewhere we had fights every 5 to 6 months on different issues sometimes it's my parents sometimes it's me I dont give her time sometimes financially , in between she left my house and went to her father's home for 8 months after delivery of our baby girl, she told we are not made for each other I told her and explained all about consequences and convinced her to get her back. After that for again after 6 months we started fight with each other on different issues. But recently we fight and she lost control and slapped me and unfortunately in the vague of my anger I also slapped her and she again left me and went to her father house . It's been 1 month now we don't have contact each other because every time I only asked her for compromises and explain and convincing her to come back. This time I don't know what to do.thanks
Ans: Marriage counselling. Enlist at the earliest and see if you can fix matters, but you have to tackle one issue at a time. The infidelity, the inlaws, the lack of compatibility…there’s too many issues here.

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hi so in 4 days im giving my jee exam and havent prepared well at all my parents hv high hope on my but i started scoring very bad due to love trap and now i really wana get into gr8 college but all the teachers around me are so very unsupoortative i get cornered by them today also i fianted in class after coresspodent called my name as i scored low..im such a disappointment in life wt should i even do?
Ans: It can be hard to deal with such a lot of stress, especially when you don't have any help. Just try the following suggestions: If not a teacher, talk to a family member, friend, or even a psychologist. Putting your feelings into words can help lighten the load.
Take care of your body by getting enough rest, water, and small foods. Fainting is a sign that your body is under a lot of stress.
Breathing exercises: When you feel stressed, try taking deep breaths. It can calm you down. There is still time to change what you might not have done as you had hoped. Focus on getting better in key and scoring areas for the next four days, based on your past preparation. Stick to NCERT for inorganic chemistry. Here, you can study physical chemistry formulas and organic reactions. Do not try to be perfect right now. Pay close attention to making sure you cover enough. Some people around you may have let you down, but that doesn't mean they don't value you. One test doesn't completely describe your life. If JEE doesn't go as planned, there are still other ways to have a great job. Don't give up hope if it doesn't happen. You can always choose between state engineering schools, private universities, or taking a year off to get ready with more help. Even though things are hard for you right now, this is not how you will always feel. Even people who are very good at what they do have low points. Don't give up on yourself, even if you feel lost. You still need to do a lot of things. All the BEST for Your Prosperous Future. Follow RediffGURUS to know more on 'Careers | Health | Money | Relationships'.

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Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7592 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Jan 20, 2025

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Money
Dear Sir, Please advice, what is your suggestion to me as far as investment (SIP) in Mutual Fund is concerned, SIP in Multi Cap is good or Flexi Cap is good (for achieving goals like wealth accumulation, retirement etc.)? Regards, Ashish
Ans: When deciding between Multi-Cap and Flexi-Cap mutual funds for your SIP investments, it's important to evaluate your financial goals, risk tolerance, and time horizon. Both types of funds have unique characteristics that can help in wealth accumulation and retirement planning.

Multi-Cap Funds: Key Characteristics
Diversified Portfolio: Multi-Cap funds invest across large, mid, and small-cap stocks. This provides diversification, which can help manage risks.

Risk Level: The fund is usually less volatile compared to funds that focus only on small or mid-cap stocks. However, it does carry some risk due to exposure to smaller-cap stocks.

Long-Term Growth: These funds tend to perform well over long investment horizons. They aim to balance between growth and stability.

Suitable for Moderate to Conservative Investors: If you're looking for a mix of stability and growth, multi-cap funds might be suitable.

Flexi-Cap Funds: Key Characteristics
Flexibility in Allocation: Flexi-Cap funds have the flexibility to invest across all market capitalizations – large, mid, and small-cap stocks – based on market conditions. They can adjust their portfolio dynamically.

Higher Potential for Growth: Since these funds can tilt more towards mid-cap or small-cap stocks when the market is favorable, they can offer higher growth potential in bullish markets.

Risk-Return Trade-Off: While they can offer high returns in the long run, flexi-cap funds can also be more volatile than multi-cap funds.

Best for Long-Term Growth: If you are focused on wealth accumulation and are willing to take on a bit more risk for higher returns, flexi-cap funds are a good option.

Comparison and Evaluation for Your Financial Goals
Wealth Accumulation: Both multi-cap and flexi-cap funds can help you accumulate wealth over the long term. However, flexi-cap funds generally have the edge in terms of potential returns due to their dynamic asset allocation strategy. The flexibility allows them to outperform during market rallies.

Retirement Planning: If your goal is to build a solid retirement corpus with moderate risk, multi-cap funds provide a balanced approach. These funds tend to be less volatile while providing a decent return in the long run.

Risk Consideration: Since flexi-cap funds invest more actively, they are prone to higher market fluctuations. If you are comfortable with market ups and downs, flexi-cap funds might suit you better. On the other hand, if you want lower volatility with steady growth, multi-cap funds are a safer option.

Actively Managed Funds vs Direct Plans
Why Regular Funds (via MFD) are Beneficial: When investing in mutual funds, you can invest either in direct plans or regular plans. While direct plans offer lower expense ratios, they require substantial knowledge and time to manage investments.

Professional Management: By investing through a Certified Financial Planner (CFP) or a Mutual Fund Distributor (MFD), you benefit from professional fund management. Your advisor can help tailor your SIP strategy to your goals and regularly assess fund performance, ensuring your investment remains aligned with market conditions and your risk profile.

Avoid Direct Plans if Not Knowledgeable: Direct plans may seem attractive due to lower fees, but they are suitable for those with in-depth market knowledge. Regular funds via an MFD provide you with an extra layer of support and expertise, which can be especially useful for managing volatile market conditions and long-term goals.

Final Insights
When choosing between Multi-Cap and Flexi-Cap funds, the best approach depends on your risk tolerance and financial goals. Multi-Cap funds offer diversification and stability, making them suitable for moderate risk-takers and long-term wealth accumulation. Flexi-Cap funds offer more growth potential but with higher volatility, making them ideal for those who are comfortable with higher risks for potentially higher returns.

For retirement planning, consider a mix of both types of funds, depending on your age, financial situation, and risk appetite. It's essential to periodically review your investment strategy and consult a Certified Financial Planner to ensure your SIP is on track for your financial goals.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in

https://www.youtube.com/@HolisticInvestment

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DISCLAIMER: The content of this post by the expert is the personal view of the rediffGURU. Investment in securities market are subject to market risks. Read all the related document carefully before investing. The securities quoted are for illustration only and are not recommendatory. Users are advised to pursue the information provided by the rediffGURU only as a source of information and as a point of reference and to rely on their own judgement when making a decision. RediffGURUS is an intermediary as per India's Information Technology Act.

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