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Komal

Komal Jethmalani312 Answers  |Ask -

Dietician, Diabetes Expert - Answered on Dec 02, 2022

Asked on - Dec 02, 2022Hindi

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Anu

Anu Krishna894 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Nov 23, 2022

Asked on - Nov 23, 2022Hindi

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Relationship
Hi Anu, plz help
I am 42 years old and married since 9 years. We (husband and I) are childless. It's nine years since our marriage but we have not been intimate for even 90 times.
My husband has no interest in sex. He had shown interest only in first week of marriage after that He never initiate.
I understand his nature and always try to initiate but he always gives cold shoulder, he never reciprocates warmly, never holds me tightly or kisses willing.
I always have to force' him or ask him to kiss or hug me. And this turns my mood off. This way we seldom have sex.
I eagerly want it at least once a month and have told him, forced him several times but all in vain. I get frustrated. I feel restless. I can't share this with anyone.
Whenever I try to get close, he ignores. Both of us respect and love each other. We don’t have extra marital affair. He cares for me too. I feel like running away from this situation but I love him and don’t want to leave him alone. Please respond.

Ans:

Dear Anonymous,

When there is a challenge with physical intimacy, it could be a physiological or a psychological problem. Either case, it needs some treatment.

But the worse could be conditioning about sex from childhood.

We all carry our maps when it comes to sex and beliefs around it. Along comes so many people and media and more who draw on these maps and we are left at the mercy of things that don’t belong to us.

Since he cares for you as you mentioned it, can you request him to sit down with you for an honest conversation where you can express all of this to him.

Who knows he might be willing to understand, and things can flow from there on.

Be kind instead of accusatory in your tone during the conversation. This will help ease him as well. But of course, if he resists the request, you might suggest that he see a professional.

It might again be met with some resistance but well, you need to try every trick in the book to meet an outcome.

Also, be aware that physical intimacy happens when the closeness develops outside the bedroom. So, spend a lot of time together, laugh a lot.

Praise his efforts in the marriage and appreciate the qualities in him.

Most often men who avoid sex simply suffer from low self-esteem and self-worth. So, play along and mean every compliment from the heart.

Best wishes to you!

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Anu

Anu Krishna894 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Nov 22, 2022

Asked on - Nov 22, 2022Hindi

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Relationship
Hi. I recently got married in an arranged setup. 
I feel like my wife -- who is the youngest of the lot among her five sisters -- is quite emotionally distant from me. She neither likes to talk to me much nor engages with my parents. But as I noticed, she is constantly on call/text with her sisters and mother. It also occurred to me that she shares all the nitty-gritty of our relationship with her family -- which felt like an invasion of my privacy. I don't want my parents to worry about this as they are old, so I assured them it will be alright. She, on other hand, said that things are just ok as they are. This left me bumfuzzled. I am worried if I made a mistake marrying this person. 

Ans:

She seems rather detached.

Explain that you would like her to be more involved in the marriage and share more of an equation with you.

Ask if she is comfortable in your home. Listen to what she has to say; if there are any complaints, address them.

It sounds like you live with your parents, and at the onset let me tell you that is usually a mistake. Particularly in an arranged set-up, where she has to adjust to not one but three people with whom there is little emotional attachment from the start.

Your problem should not be her sharing her life with her own family; that is unfair. Why not, if she is expected to share her home with yours? Because you're a man?

But yes, you should actively try to establish a warmer relationship with your wife. Being kind, open and compromising will go a long way in having her open up to you.

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Love Guru

Love Guru 187 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert - Answered on Nov 15, 2022

Asked on - Nov 15, 2022Hindi

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Love Guru

Love Guru 187 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert - Answered on Nov 15, 2022

Asked on - Nov 15, 2022Hindi

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Love Guru

Love Guru 187 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert - Answered on Oct 28, 2022

Asked on - Oct 28, 2022Hindi

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Relationship

Dear Love Guru,
I am 28. We had a love marriage. But I don’t love him.
My parents were pushing me to marry all the time. He was my good friend.
Now I feel trapped living out a lie.
I love him dearly but I am not in love with him.
Is it wrong to continue a marriage based on falseness.
Plz help.
Regards,
Anonymous

Ans:

Dear Anonymous, 

How about that? A love marriage without love!

You sound fond of your husband. And yet you say you feel trapped in the marriage; what you are leaving unsaid, I think, is that you feel attraction toward someone else perhaps?

I understand your situation and I'm sorry that your parents pressured you into what was obviously a hasty decision that you have come to regret. Having said that, please know this: Even couples who fancy themselves in the throes of eternal love sometimes fall out of love and part ways. They stop getting along with each other.

Or then in other cases, the initial spark dies down, and people settle into companionship and caring. 

Don't get me wrong, it's always good to try and keep the romance alive in a marriage. But you seem to have what a lot of people are striving for -- a good relationship with someone who you get along with and do love, even if it's not the stuff of movies.

If you feel like you're unhappy, or destined to marry someone else, I say end it. If not, work on it. You can seek counselling too, to resolve your feelings about this situation.

Do remember, you could find someone else and then that new love may come with a different set of problems. You just need to figure it out, my dear. And you will, you just need to focus on what will make you happy. And if he makes you happy, don't walk away from the marriage.

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Love Guru

Love Guru 187 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert - Answered on Oct 07, 2022

Asked on - Oct 07, 2022Hindi

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Relationship
Dear love guru,
Hope u are doing well. 
This story starts in 2018 when I was in my 12th. I had a huge crush on this junior girl. This girl is very intelligent and she used to get very high marks. So I took that as an inspiration and started working very hard on my academics. I started to read like a maniac and that worked and I got seat in a very prestigious college hoping she would get the seat in the same college but unfortunately she got seat in other state. I was disappointed. I was shy and never talked to her in my 12th and thought I lost my chance of talking to her ever again. But fortunately after a year, I found her insta and mustered my courage to chat with her. 
Although it was awkward initially, we became good friends (I guess so) and used to chat almost daily. She is really a charmer and she chats so nicely. She is a great friend but I never had courage to say about my feelings. She used to talk about her friends, her new college and her cats and so many things about herself and as I am her senior, I used to guide her and talk about my daily experiences. We had great time talking to each other on insta, WhatsApp and even snapchat. Heck we have a Spotify playlist Collab and she even included me in her private Instagram account as a close friend (u know that girls do have spam accounts for close friends) and I was wondering whether I'm just another friend or close friend or anything more. 
This continued like for many months and we chatted very well in the lockdown. I never met her or called her, we just chatted( I'm a shy guy and not so good at talking to girls). Feelings aside, she became a really good friend to me and I don't have many friends. I never said her about my feelings, fearing it would destroy this great friendship I was having.
But recently she was not responding properly to my chats( I never misbehaved in the chat ). I do believe she is seeing a guy whom she met recently but I don't know whether that is a relationship or just friendship. 
I was disappointed but hey it's her life and I was u know just continuing my life feeling sad sometimes or just trying to forget about her. And recently she completely avoided my messages and I was so hurt(I do have some self-respect right). U could say this as a one side love story. But this is so hard. After all she is my first love and this started affecting my academics. Should I move on or should I just continue trying to talk to her so that hopefully she will talk to me like she used to before. I don't have any problem continuing but sometimes I feel what's the purpose since it is going nowhere. 
Please give me any valuable suggestion. Sorry for the long story
Thank you  

Ans:

You've enjoyed a mainly online relationship; there's a lot more to things than that.

There is definitely a reason why she's not responding to your messages anymore and it could be anything -- maybe you came on too strong, maybe she's met someone else, maybe her new boyfriend is from the Stone Age and doesn't like her interacting with other male friends.

I would suggest writing her one last message to the effect that you miss your friend, you don't know why she has begun avoiding you and, at the very least, if she wants to discontinue contact she should have the courtesy of letting you know that, along with the reason why.

See if she responds.

If she doesn't, take that as a very strong and clear signal in itself that she wants nothing to do with you anymore and doesn't have manners either. In which case I would strongly suggest you cease all contact as well.

If she does show some courtesy and reply, see if what she has to say can be addressed.

And all things considered, don't be too heartbroken about this. There are many great girls out there for you to start anew with -- in person perhaps, this time around!

 

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Love Guru

Love Guru 187 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert - Answered on Oct 03, 2022

Asked on - Oct 03, 2022Hindi

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Relationship
Dear Love Guru 
I am 4 ft 8 inches, age 27 yrs and I work in the admin department of a leading MNC. I am the only daughter to my parents and they want me to get married soon. So far I have rejected at least 15 men because they are either too elder to me or have unreasonable expectations from me as a future wife. An equal number of them have rejected me because I am short and earn less than Rs 30,000 per month. I don't have a boyfriend either. My parents are getting worried and I am feeling depressed and hopeless. I don't know what to do. Pls help. 

Ans:

If you think you're feeling depressed and hopeless now, just because you haven't found someone at 27, wait till you're trapped in an unhappy marriage with someone because you were in such a silly rush to get hitched!

Unreasonable expectations from a wife I can understand, but age is just a number. So, if you're attracted to someone, don't consider age enough of a reason to turn him down unless he's some 60-year-old uncle that wears a toupee. It's as superficial as someone turning you down because you're so short.

I would suggest you get off this fast train you're on and just take things slowly.

People today think nothing of getting married at 35 and having kids at 40; you have a long way to go still!

I know more than a couple of women who rushed into marriage for the same reasons as you -- they thought they were aging, other friends were getting married, they wanted to settle down like everyone else, etc. They got divorced eventually and remarried. In their 30s!

 

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Love Guru

Love Guru 187 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert - Answered on Oct 03, 2022

Asked on - Oct 03, 2022Hindi

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Love Guru

Love Guru 187 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert - Answered on Oct 03, 2022

Asked on - Oct 03, 2022Hindi

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Relationship
Dear Love Guru,
I want to stay Anonymous.
I am 26 year old Man, been married for 6 years and have a 5 year old daughter. My wife is pregnant right now and we haven't have sex for 7 months now. For my sexual life information, i need sex every 2-3 days because somehow i feel i need it, hell i want sex every day to be honest and I can't help it. 
But my wife don't want to have sex right now because of her pregnancy, she basically fears that sex will harm our child in the womb of which I have assured her many times that its safe and i will make sure that we will do it safely but she won't understand. She wouldn't even ask or let me ask to our doctor if it's safe to have sex while pregnant to clear her doubts and won't trust me that its safe.  She also doesn't feel the need of sex and feels anger and irritation when i approach her for sex. 
Now I completely understand that she doesn't want it because of mood swings or change in hormones but God it is killing me right now by not having sex. I don't know but i am made that way and she hates me now for approaching her for sex every other day and bursts in to anger and tears. It makes me feel ashamed about myself and makes me cry inside too. But again somehow i need sex which is completely making me this lustful a***e in my wife's eyes.
I try to release my sexual tension by masterbating but the guilt of wanting sex and also anger towards my wife rejecting me every night never leaves from my head. All i think about whole day is sex and it's making me angry towards my wife hence i stopped sleeping next to her so that I can't annoy her while she is sleeping because whenever i sleep next to her I can't control my hands which always finds their way on her body making her more angrier. 
She hates me because i don't sleep next to her and doesn't take care of her but i explained her that I can't stop my self from touching her and she won't understand. She wants me next to her and also doesn't want me to touch her which i am not able to do honestly. 
I know there is something wrong with me but i am confused if it is all my fault or it is some of hers too. All i want to be is a  good husband but i have my sexual needs too. What should i do? 
P.S. I am not sex addict as i never have touched any other women in my entire life even right now when i need sex badly, and that's makes me wonder Do I really deserve this? 

Ans:

You do sound like you're struggling with a bit of an addiction.

I agree that your wife's fears are unscientific and, to be honest, a discreet conversation with the gynaecologist would allay her feelings.

A lot of couples speak to the doctor before resuming sexual relations during pregnancy; it's a very common question to ask.

Most medical practitioners would warn you in case of a risk in individual cases and the fact that your doctor hasn't said anything to you both means you're likely in the clear to do so.

But the fact is, she just doesn't want to have sex at the moment, whatever be the reason, and you can't force her.

Pregnancy is a very challenging time for a woman. So either speak to the doctor or practice a little self control for a couple of months longer.

I think the more she's denying you, the more desperate you're becoming. You could see a therapist and explain your predicament if it is making you so miserable.

What did you do when she was expecting your daughter the first time around? 

 

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Anu

Anu Krishna894 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Sep 22, 2022

Asked on - Sep 22, 2022Hindi

Relationship
Hello Dear Anu Ma'am,
I wish to remain anonymous as my family reads this page too.
I'm 25 years old and work for a multinational IT giant. I don't earn much but I'm happy with my job. I'm a workaholic and I don't mind working for even 16-17 hours a day (just to keep myself sane).
My parents are highly educated, have good jobs, are caring and do EVERYTHING for me physically. But there is no such thing as love or emotion in my house. I have never known the meaning of happiness and love.
Everything looks normal on the outside, but inside my dad does not treat my mom well, he always makes fun of her and disrespects her. He is cold and distant from me as well. I don't even remember the last time things were alright at home. Sometimes he even abuses my mom physically and because of this, she left her reputable job and now stays at home. My brother and I have stopped talking to my dad fully.
I have been in a relationship with multiple men (including a married man) but was never actually interested in them. They all got frustrated with my behaviour after a few months and the relationships ended.
I never understood why I keep on getting into relationships when I never like them. I never understood why I can't say no to someone.
I am a people pleaser. I cannot stand up for myself and I have zero self-confidence. All my so-called ex-boyfriends manipulated me for sex and I kept thinking it was love. I lose interest the moment they talk about sex.
I always used to wonder why I am not like other girls - they are confident, they can say no to a guy they don't like, they make the right decisions, they have female friends but I don't have any. I used to think why only I am weird.
My mom also likes my brother more and does not treat me that nicely. Although she is nice to me most of the time, she keeps on mocking and belittling me like good girls are like plants and nature.. I have never seen you in our garden. This shows what kind of a girl you are, you're useless, you're good for nothing. I feel like slapping you all the time, your face is like that, anyone would want to slap you and many more such things.
It confuses me. I still don't understand if my parents love me or not. My brother is on my mom's side. He never treats me well or respects me. My mind is always in a state of confusion and fear.
I keep getting into embarrassing situations because of my low self-confidence and inability to say NO.
I recently realised I am like this because of my father, after reading an article on absent father and how it affects daughters - from there I got to know that when a father doesn't love his daughter, she becomes promiscuous and has very low self-confidence. I cried for hours after reading it. I was shocked and even more traumatized because I thought parents were supposed to love their children. But it gave me some relief that all this is not my fault.
Now, I have stopped blaming my parents for the way I am (even if they are the cause) and I've decided to improve my life by distancing myself from them.
I have made up my mind and I can see some changes in myself. But I still can't say no very loudly and clearly. I say it in a low voice and hesitantly, so people take advantage of me. I strongly believe that I will learn to say no. I am determined.
That said, the main problem now is - there is immense grief, guilt and shame in my mind which I'm not able to get out. I feel terrible about myself all the time, like I'm a cheap, characterless woman. I know that is not actually my personality but I still have such thoughts. I even tried therapy but it has not helped much.
Can you please help me ma'am?

Ans:

Dear Anonymous,

Isn’t it about time you started to create your own life which is free from all the toxicity?

Sometimes as hard as it maybe, it is necessary to free yourself from the old and embrace the new; especially if the old is making you stuck and unhappy.

From what you have mentioned, your parents and brother seem to be in their own world of misery, and you surely are not the cause but you are no victim either.

You are 25 and you are earning and even if isn’t much, I wonder why you are still living under the same roof to put yourself through so much of pain.

Your job in life is not to ‘fix’ anyone even if it is family. But it is to wander on your path and create the life that you want.

Who knows once you are on your own, they might appreciate you for who you are. It is known that emotional neglect can show up as relationship challenges in children when they are ready for a partner or a relationship.

But does it help knowing all this?

Can you change the past? Can you change your parents?

If NO, then focus on changing the way you are responding to the situation.

Are you playing the victim who wants to dwell on the miseries, or do you want to play the enabler who disrupts the situation by taking charge?

Easier said than done; but once you decide to enable yourself, life takes a huge turn for the better. So, do it…

Let this be about YOU and no one else. Relationships can wait till you are on your own and making strong decisions.

For now, take that first step towards your freedom and that free life. You can do this!

Best wishes!

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Love Guru

Love Guru 187 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert - Answered on Sep 14, 2022

Asked on - Sep 14, 2022Hindi

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Relationship
Hello. I want this to be anonymous.
I'm 25 year old and I have been in a relationship for the last 4-5 yrs with my childhood friend .
According to me she is a complete attention seeker and dosent care about my emotions. Like she used to text boys who proposed her and delete the messages which she replied but used to keep the messages which they did and send me that they are flirting with me I never used to ask for those screenshots anyway she herself would send me those says that only they are messaging her even thought she isnt responding once she fogot to delete one message where I caught her and we had a huge fight regarding and then she claimed i have i deleted the messages and I promised she will not repeat it again but she totally did it multiple times and I caught her doing that multiple times and she used to flirt with people who proposed her and once we were have lunch in a restaurant and one person who has intrest in her came to the same place and was sitting behind us and she suddenly stood up and sat infront of me where she could see him or vice-versa like how can she do that when I'm around and there are many other fights she has a best friend she shares with him everything last year I broke up with her due to all these reasons and we pathed up after 2 months , after getting back her friend asked her if she is talking to me or not she simply replied shes not talking to me even though we are fine and happy and just last month one of my cousins was flirting with me and I showed her the messages and was being open to her but never crossed a line but she went behind my back and talked to my cousins elder brother who is my own sister's husband that his sister is flirting with me even thought i myself made it clear there's nothing going on, after all this she is calling me to get back with her and she promises that she won't repeat the mistake never again which she already did n number of times what should I do I'm not fine and I think I'm depressed I'm spoiling my career thinking about this.

Ans:

Looks like this leopard isn't going to change her spots in a hurry, my friend!

She's full of lies and false promises and let me tell you, people rarely change. You have to accept them for who they are.

So, if I were you, I'd end this relationship. She doesn't sound like anyone worth wasting anymore time over.

You'll always be looking over your shoulder, and you'll never be able to trust her.

She's driving you nuts already; it's just time to call it a day with this relationship. There are plenty of other fish in the sea!

 

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Love Guru

Love Guru 187 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert - Answered on Sep 14, 2022

Asked on - Sep 14, 2022Hindi

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Relationship
Hi.
First of all would like to stay anonymous.
Been married for 9 yrs. 5 yrs after marriage had a kid. We were having issues during this time though it was not very huge (that's what I thought). My mom and she were having issues, which were spilling over to me too. She was from a small town and always comparing how easy life is there as against the metro life (i Always been here and like it). She used to go her town for some reason or other for extended periods of time. But v were in love.
Few years after the kid, she started becoming aloof. I suspected something wrong. This time when she went back to her place too rarely used to call me or answer my calls. When she came back, I checked her phone and found her sharing her feelings with her guy friend for him. This upset me and i shared her betrayal with family and friends out of anger.
But she tried convincing me that he is just friend etc. After my few weeks of anger, i said let's work on the relationship and let me know what to do. I sent mom over to another house too. 
However one day she said she wants to meet her parents and come back. Once she went there, she didn't tell me when she plans to come over. Her parents kept telling that she will come after so and so. After 7 months, she said that she won't come back to my city.
She said she wants to separate. I tried hard convincing her that things will change and she should give the relationship a chance. She also avoids going to counsellor.
After me visiting her place for few number of times, she seems to now suggest that she will come for sometime to my city and go and i can also visit her for sometime. She is not agreeing to move to the city and stay with me. She has admitted our kid to the school there. She rarely talks on phone to me.
Though my kid calls me often. She mentioned that the guy got married and she is not in touch. What do you think i should do? Wait for her to come around or legally separate and move on?( 40 now)
I am confused. She says she can't say about the future but currently she doesn't want to stay in my town.
Regards

Ans:

You have a child together and it sounds like you both still want the marriage to work. So here's what you should do, at least for now -- compromise.

She absolutely must commit to seeing a marital counsellor with you and, in exchange, she can live in her hometown for the moment and you undertake the commute to see her and your child regularly.

There's no other man in the picture anymore and she's obviously been through a lot; you've been oblivious to her misery living with your mother all those years.

This seems to be a problem with most Indian men today; your wife doesn't need to live with your mother any more than you need to live with hers!

And, as a result, she went and had an emotional, if not physical, affair.

I understand your frustration but making that information public made everything worse. That's probably the main reason why she doesn't want to live there anymore and you need to understand that.

Your marriage needs a lot of work; make the effort, both of you, to save it. 

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Love Guru

Love Guru 187 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert - Answered on Sep 09, 2022

Asked on - Sep 09, 2022Hindi

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Love Guru

Love Guru 187 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert - Answered on Sep 09, 2022

Asked on - Sep 09, 2022Hindi

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Relationship
Dear Love Guru,
I am 50 years divorced man in relation with a 42 years divorced women.
We have known to each other for the last 7 years, but only for the 8/9 months we have committed to each other. We intend to marry. But she insists for 40 lakh money and 1 flat in her name. Then only will see agree to marry.
She says if not given she will marry another guy who will meet her requirements. I am so much in love that I am thinking of giving her demands and marry her.  But the real problem is, she has many male friends with whom she regularly chats over watsup and messanger. She also goes for dinner with some friends. 
Secondly, whenever we go to any group parties (her known) she flirt around with male friends, like taking pictures holding each other, dancing closely together etc. I after ask her dance with me or take snaps with me, she just avoids.
I have seen many male friends of her touching her bump or cheeks or holding her waists, she never objects. But when I try to do the same, she objects saying what people will think etc.
She tries to stay away from me during the parties. I constantly remind her to stay with me, she says not to be so possessive and allow her some space. 
Previously we had sex once a month for 5/6 months, but for the last 3 months she has totally stopped having sex, she says will do it only after marriage. Whenever we had sex, she didnt seems to participate, she just tells me to finish off fast. 
Again, I am only one who telephones her every night for talking. She never calls me. Throughout the day she never calls and rarely chats with me.
After I propose or insists, we meet once in 10 days. she always prefers to meet in group of friends. With me she talks quite ok, but in group she becomes very lively and active.
I am confused whether to proceed for marriage by fulfilling her demands. What if after marriage she repeats the same flirteous nature and not so committed towards me.
Please advice and help.
Regards.

Ans:

You're confused? There's nothing confusing about the situation -- this woman wants nothing from you except an apartment and money.

She doesn't call you, she doesn't hang out with you, she doesn't like acknowledging you in public, she doesn't like having sex with you and she'll marry someone else if you don't fork over the moolah.

Stop considering how to ruin your life and find someone who's happy with you even minus the Rs 40 lakhs and the flat!

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Love Guru

Love Guru 187 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert - Answered on Sep 09, 2022

Asked on - Sep 09, 2022Hindi

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Relationship
Dear Love Guru,
I'm a married woman and I work with a private company.
My husband has no job and sits at home all day.
I hate going home because he is very frustrated and always says something negative and annoying when he sees me.
I have several male friends, who are younger to me and I like talking to them and sharing details about my day.
My husband suspects I am having an affair and keeps checking my phone. He has followed me to work on a couple of occasions. He now keeps tabs on me and wants me to inform him about my whereabouts.
I feel that my marriage is over and there's nothing to look forward to. I want to move out and start afresh.
But will I get a second chance at finding love?
What if I end up in the same situation again? 

Ans:

Why would you end up in the same situation again, are you stupid enough to go looking for another overly-critical jobless partner?

Lots of people find love again and get married a second time, but that's not what is in question here. The question is whether you really feel nothing at all for your husband and want a divorce.

If you think that the relationship is completely over and want to separate, that's your decision to make.

You could try marital counselling if there is a breakdown in communication between you both, but that's provided you want to save the marriage. And it certainly doesn't sound like you do.

You never even mentioned whether it was a love marriage or arranged match; if it’s the latter and you've never loved him at all, I'd say there's not much point in trying either.

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Love Guru

Love Guru 187 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert - Answered on Sep 09, 2022

Asked on - Sep 09, 2022Hindi

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Love Guru

Love Guru 187 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert - Answered on Aug 25, 2022

Asked on - Aug 25, 2022Hindi

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Relationship
Hello love guru.
I wanted to know if I am wrong or right. As my husband has blocked me from phone by all means and do not even talk to me, so what should I do? I am working far from my Father in laws home where he stays with his brother (divorcee). He is not working and I am working and taking care of two daughters. Whenever he comes here, he fight a lot saying insane and sarcastic words to me. Since two and half months he stayed with us and left us (though he sometimes talk to my daughters only). I feel alone and nobody is there to support me or even talk to me for my emotional support. Now somebody has started talking to me and even I started, I really do not know what to do. Kindly guide. I told this to my husband also and he says whatever you wish you do.. I do not know why he says like this..He did not even tried to search a job where I am working, but when he went to inlaws there he started searching interestingly. If we do not talk then how  our relation will continue being husband. Also I found many times that he keep on searching call girls from his mobile phone search history and even his friends at inlaws told me that they saw girl accompanying him..but even I want to forget all these things as I found my daughters feel happy to talk to him..but what about my emotions and my physical needs..who will take care of if this keep on continued...as after marriage I found no happy-happy situations for me atleast..he says he lost all his jobs because of me..But all baseless objections...and blames me, harms me by beating also some times..I some times cry alone... but  this is not the life I expected after working so hard...I also used to pay him all money whatever he and whenever he demnaded.. I paid more than 10 lakhs of savings to him till date and did not even ever counted..he also stolen all gold from home without even asking me..I want to forgive him for all but when he is not interested in talking to me and just ignores me then how and why I should continue with him..just because he is my husband..or should I remarry to someone who is really willing to marry me...knowing all these things..or should I dont? As a mother of two daughters I sometimes think..that my only responsibility is to upbring my daughters...but then I also needs someone's emotional support...though economically independent..I also said to him to give me alimony as he does not pay anything to me and also file for divorce...as even I have a right to live happily...kab tak aise hi aansu bahau uske liye jisne mujhe block hi kar rakha hai from phone?
I am confused please help me out!!

Ans: You have a husband who is an unemployed, good-for-nothing bum, who doesn't show you respect, steals from you, lives apart from you, likes to associate with call girls, blames you for his failures, beats you and doesn't care if you have an affair. He ‘talks to your daughters sometimes’. Honey, you need to be emailing a divorce lawyer, not this column. And do it immediately. Yes, you're more than just a mother and you do deserve emotional support. You should cut him loose immediately.   
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Mayank

Mayank Rautela238 Answers  |Ask -

HR Expert - Answered on Aug 24, 2022

Asked on - Aug 24, 2022Hindi

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Dear Mayank Sir,
Few years back, I completed my graduation and a post graduate course in finance. Post that, I didn't get a good job. On the advice of people known to me, I studied business analytics and did an MBA in HR.
Currently, I am pursuing PhD in a private university. I didn't stop trying for jobs.
I now regret taking up other subjects because it seems to the interviewers that I dabbled in many subjects and don't have work experience.
When I first applied for PhD, they didn't even send the list of guides with their specialisations. I took up the topic which my guide recommended and I am not happy with it since it was not my first choice.
I was under pressure, so I decided to let it be. My guide asked me to become a co-author for her paper in my first year. Afterwards, I came to know that my months of hard work won't be of much use since the university rules require that the scholar must be a first author.
She also made me write a conference paper on a topic unrelated to my thesis topic.
It means I spent more than a year working on two projects which have no value.
She threatened me that the stipend I receive will be discontinued. I don't have any trust in her anymore. I am forced to follow her instructions. I don't know what to do.
I would like to keep my question anonymous.

Ans:

Hi.

You have unfortunately let other people decide your career till now. It's time you take charge of your life and professional career.

The business analytics and HR degrees that you have are a good combination. I suggest you apply for entry level jobs in HR as there is a huge requirement of HR professionals with an analytical background.

You can connect with me on LinkedIn and I will give you some leads.

 

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Mayank

Mayank Rautela238 Answers  |Ask -

HR Expert - Answered on Aug 24, 2022

Asked on - Aug 24, 2022Hindi

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Anu

Anu Krishna894 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Aug 11, 2022

Asked on - Aug 11, 2022Hindi

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Relationship
Dear Anu, my girlfriend and I have been dating for the past 4 years in a live-in relationship.
Before that we were good friends and she's 3 years elder to me.
There came a situation that she was depressed due to something and I was supporting her which she thought as my love.
We started this relationship although there was no serious commitment from my side.
We had a good relationship, good moments. She paid my bills all the time even when I insisted, but there were lots of fights.
I feel she never understood me or anything I said or my thought process.
I don't think I really love her, because there is no spark and tried ending it many times.
In frustration I even started looking for other people so that maybe I can come out of it but she would find out and make me stay with her with some or other reason.
She's a very polite and sweet person and I don't want to be hurting her.
She's asking me to marry her which is making me nervous. What do I do ?

Ans:

Dear A,

Kindly as yourself: what was the Live-in relationship?

Was it a relationship for her and not for you?

I really don’t understand what you mean by: She thought of your support as Love and that you were not serious commitment from your side.

It’s possible when you both were in a Live-in arrangement, she would have considered this as a relationship and become serious about it.

Since now it has gotten into a marriage stage for her, please respect her mind space and have a serious talk about this.

Take consideration of her feelings when you convey yours.

This is going to take some effort as you ease her into a space where she understands where you are in this connection.

Getting into another relationship for a distraction might not be a great idea; so do spend some time very amicably closing this one where the two of you can be mature about this.

All the best!

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Anu

Anu Krishna894 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jul 04, 2022

Asked on - Jul 04, 2022Hindi

Relationship
Hi, I'm someone. Sorry for taking your time please read this and help me I really need someone to guide me in my life right now. Sorry for this long mail. I would be really glad if you take time and read this.
I am 23 years old, a married girl. I got married to my husband on December 10 2021 last year. It was an arranged marriage. Our family met along with us in 2019 and fixed our marriage. At first I didn't wanted to marry because it was too early and I was just pursuing my bachelor's degree but my family didn't listen to me as I was the elder one so they wanted me to get married before they got old.
I agreed and slowly started developing a fondness and liking towards my fiance and later fell in love with him. But after our marriage things started to feel a bit weird. He has too many female friends which I'm absolutely fine with. I'm not that conservative. They all were invited in our wedding and I met them. they seem nice people but one of his friends is bothering. Let’s call her Y. My husband keeps talking to her on calls and messages all the time and the conversations are absolutely boring like they don't have anything to talk but still they keep up the conversation. I used to think it's fine or maybe I'm being too possessive but when I got to know that he spent 12 lakh on her I was shocked. He also spends money on her on a daily basis. He books an Uber for her daily. Whenever she needs anything he will immediately say I will bring it for you. Y is also married her husband is fine with it because he also takes money from my husband. In fact her whole family takes money. They're financially not very strong so I understand this thing of helping someone. What I don't understand is why does my husband have to talk to her all the time? Even when I'm sitting right in front of him he would ignore me.
Apart from Y, there is one more person he treats the same way, his ex.
A few days after our marriage I checked his phone (I know it's wrong but my instinct let me do to so cause of his behaviour) and I found some messages from 2019 between my husband and his ex. The conversations clearly proved that they were in a relationship and broke up in 2019. When I asked him indirectly as I didn't want him to know that I checked his phone he said that the (ex) is his sister. He lied! And I found that they are still friends which I understand. I'm fine with that. But I cannot be fine with them talking on a daily basis and my husband fulfilling all her wishes just like the first girl Y. He even took a screenshot her picture (ex) and saved it when she uploaded it on her WhatsApp status a few days after our marriage. When I asked him why are you keeping her picture, he denied and said oh aise hi, I guess by mistake So I ignored that. But he calls and sends gifts to her. He even takes me along with him to buy presents for her so that I don't think that it's wrong.
I always ask him why are you talking to your ex and Y all the time; you don't even spend time with me. Because of this there are lots of fights happening between us. He said he has work load and is frustrated with his life, dealing with depression, so to avoid those feelings he talks with his friends. I understood and allowed him to talk but he spends Rs 8,000-9,000 every month on them. He once said that he has to give them money so that they won't stop talking with him; that's how friendship works including Rs 5,000 flight ticket and taking loan worth Rs 12-13 lakh for them. I am a fool in love so I got easily manipulated and allowed him but not completely. I set a limit for him to not over spend more than Rs 5000 per month on them.
My family and friends are constantly suggesting that I leave him as he doesn't care about my feelings that I have given him way too many chances. Whenever I try to confront him for meeting up with them or spending too much money on them he immediately starts caring for me the next day. Because of this I always get confused that maybe he loves me too and I'm just being a possessive wife. I told him I will divorce you if you keep treating me like this and keep talking to your girls day and night. He said I shouldn’t talk like that and doesn't want me to divorce him as he loves me and he wouldn't have chosen me in the first place if he liked them.
Whenever I try to confront him about the girls, he says I think you have a boyfriend and you are cheating on me. Give me your phone I will check your phone.
I heard call recordings of him and Y. He records the conversations he has with the girls. When I asked he said he does it so that those girls or anyone won't blame him in future that he said something wrong. Anyway, I heard my husband saying bad things about me to Y in one of those recordings after being frustrated with me as I fought with him because of them. I was really broken. He said I don't give him space which is not true and he wants to go alone to places like markets or KFC or wherever he wants but I'm not letting him do that. At the same time he asked Y if she wants to join him and meet up at a certain place. I don't understand him. If there isn't anything wrong then why is he talking with her day and night and not being bored and with me he rarely spends time and wants space.
His parents are fed up with him they told me he has been like this always. They support me and want him to get away from those girls. They married me to him so that he would leave those girls and stop spending such big amounts of money on them. But he doesn't want to get away from them. He said that if by chance one day those girls stopped talking to him for some reason then he will definitely leave them. But they never stop. I don't understand why is he waiting for them to stop and why doesn't HE wants to stop. Depression? Maybe I don't know. I even told him let's meet up with a therapist but he refused and said he's fine and I'm being dramatic.
He talks to them at work and at home.
If he doesn't talk to them for a day he will get mad. I remember one time he was panicked and kept saying I want to talk to Y. It's not like they are blackmailing and stuff; they don't even want to talk with him. He is the one who keeps calling them; it's very weird. He is fighting with his family, fighting with me, just for them. He manipulates me a lot. He has lied to me several times about not meeting with Y.
Please advice what I should do. My friends say I should divorce him as my mental health is deteriorating because of him. I love him a lot but he doesn't care. He says he loves me but I don't find honesty in those words as he keeps repeating the things that bother me and our relation.

Ans:

Dear Anonymous,

What exactly are you waiting for me to say? Haven’t you seen enough red flags in your marriage?

  • Your in-laws telling you that he has always been like this
  • Your husband playing the victim of Depression to gain your sympathy vote and then refusing to see a therapist
  • Spending money to earn the validation and attention of two women who are possibly using him
  • Spending valuable time away from you to indulge his feelings elsewhere
  • Complaining about you to a person outside of marriage
  • Invalidating your feelings arising from this situation and making you like the bad one for complaining

Do you want me to go on?

How much more do you want to give in?

If you truly want this marriage to work, he needs to turn himself into a new leaf, which means he needs to address his insecurities, his behavior and more.

Is he willing to go through all that?

Maybe have an honest sit-down talk with him and then decide keeping yourself at the centre of all this.

You matter and matter to yourself every moment, so DO SOMETHING about it.

You owe a lot of happiness to yourself, so get ahead NOW.

All the best!

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Anu

Anu Krishna894 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jul 04, 2022

Asked on - Jul 04, 2022Hindi

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Relationship
Hi Anu, 3 years before marriage I was in a relationship with someone who asked for my hand for marriage and I was impregnated by him but he went away leaving me devastated.
This incident is somehow known to my husband after 1.5 years of our marriage.
At the same time a girl in his office proposed him knowing that he is married and my husband is getting attached to her.
He is always talking to her romantically and justifying his affair from my past mistake and it makes me mentally and physically very weak.
He is very rude. How to handle the situation since both our families are involved and are not letting us to get divorced also.

Ans:

Dear Anonymous,

I understand that he is hurt but how convenient! Things happen, like the way it happened to you before marriage.

But to use that as an excuse to have an affair is very convenient. He needs to look at the situation for what it is now and work with that.

It’s great that the families are involved. The elders in the family can now act as a good mediator to bring the two of you to the discussion table.

Your husband possibly is hurt from your situation before your marriage.

Keeping these kinds of things can draw a wedge in the marriage. He now needs to recover from that before he can be a husband to you in the marriage.

When he found out, how did you deal with it?

That is very crucial to understand as all his actions are stemming from the fact that the situation is unresolved in the mind, and he feels victimized and turns to another woman to feel some sense of normalcy.

As much as it seems disturbing and inappropriate, the fact that it was hidden from him is disturbing him.

So, work with this and as families let this be handled delicately, so that he begins to trust you all over again.

Till then be patient…

All the best!

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Mayank

Mayank Rautela238 Answers  |Ask -

HR Expert - Answered on May 18, 2022

Asked on - May 18, 2022Hindi

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Dear Mayank Sir,
I am facing a difficult problem both personally and professionally.
Last year, I took the decision to move back home, which is in a small town, because both my parents had survived COVID but have been facing major health issues since then.
I am their only child.
As a result, I had to leave a job where my prospects were very good and I was enjoying my work very much. Also, I was living in a big city, independent of my parents whom I love very much.
It is a struggle to be back at home with them. They still treat me like a small child with advice and questions at every step.
Workwise too, the job is a huge stepdown and the money, though decent, is less that what I used to earn. Responsibilities and challenges, which I used to enjoy, are less too.
I have to stay here for one more year at least before I can make plans to move out again.
The stress from home is spilling out at my job and the irritation at work is spilling out at home.
How do I handle this? Am going crazy.
Please help.

Ans:

Hi.

I appreciate the fact that you sacrificed your job to take care of your parents.

Ideally, you should go back to a larger city and restart your career. I am sure your past employer would be open to taking you back.

If that is not possible, then you need to have a candid discussion with your parents and make them understand that their constant involvement in your life is not acceptable.

They may be doing it out of love but, since it is negatively impacting you, they need to give you space.

Please don’t change your job in your hometown as that will further complicate your situation.

 

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Love Guru

Love Guru 187 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert - Answered on May 13, 2022

Asked on - May 13, 2022Hindi

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Relationship

Dear Love Guru,
Please keep me anonymous.
I am a 45 years old married male. Ours was an arranged marriage.
My spouse as well as my in-laws have cynical attitude towards life. They are always abusive towards everyone at their back even.
Earlier, I used to take it lightly and also tried to make my wife understand that there are good people also in the world.
I also used to think that she may not be having the same attitude at least towards me but I was wrong. I always did my best whenever she was in trouble or otherwise, be it in her social, professional or medical needs but instead of acknowledging she always found some ulterior motive of mine.
She acts sweet whenever she wants anything or to get things done from me otherwise she becomes abusive. Moreover, since beginning she discusses everything over phone with her mother and acts as per her guidance.
I don't think that anything whatever happens in between us be it good or bad or in our house is not known to her mother. Whenever we have any quarrel she immediately calls her mother and tells her only her side of the things and uses abusive words for me.
I have even requested her that even if she feels like calling her mother to lighten up, she may do it, but at least in privacy so that I should not hear the words she uses.
But, now after 14 years I am getting fed up and don't feel like being with her. I am continuing because of my daughter as separation may affect the child.
We no longer share any emotional or physical intimacy. I am exhausted. Please advise. 
Regards,
Anonymous

Ans:

Sounds like you’re tired of the marriage.

I would suggest attending some marital counselling together before you decide to finalise a split, if only for the sake of your daughter.

I understand that the child’s situation is taking precedence over yours, and that’s good parenting, but how long will you carry on like this? It’s been so many years already.

Your wife speaking to her mother about everything is understandable, but within earshot so that you hear it too is not. She obviously has ulterior motives.

Visit a competent counsellor. I’m sure you’ll be able to make headway in this situation.

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Love Guru

Love Guru 187 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert - Answered on May 13, 2022

Asked on - May 13, 2022Hindi

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Relationship

Hi Love Guru,
I am in a bit of a pickle and would highly appreciate your advice.
My love story in short:
Me and my girl are in relation from our college days and are of different caste and girl’s family are in no way interested to entertain our love.
They got her married to a person of their choice and moved to US. She has been married for four years as of today.
Right after marriage she moved to the US. She used to message me and wanted to be in constant touch to know how I was doing and all. I kept mum and ignored her for a good part of a year.
Later I budged in and responded to her messages and started talking not regularly but once or twice a month.
Then she came to India, we both met and at no point of time in our relation and till this date we were physically involved with each other.
So recently her husband got hold of her WhatsApp chats in which  she expressed she didn't want to go back to US and how she loved me, she missed me and all, and all the chats that showed that we met each other.
Now they are going back to US and the husband doesn't want to involve parents so right now divorce is not what they are seeing but might consider after few months depending on how things go.
I am stuck here and not sure about her whereabouts and her situation. The feeling that this has happened because of me is killing me. If things go bad she might end up losing all her family and no one to care for her.
Looking forward for your advice.
Thanks a ton!!

Ans:

You’re having an affair with a married woman, but that’s on both of you, not just you. She should have stood up to her family instead of getting married against her will.

It’s a good thing there are no children in the picture yet, or the situation would get even messier.

Forget what her husband decides, why won’t she just decide what she wants to do with her life and leave him? What’s the point of her going back to the States?

She should start thinking for herself and do the needful before the situation goes from bad to worse.

If her family has any sense, they will accept her decision and stand by her. And if they don’t, well, she’s got you, hasn’t she? 

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Love Guru

Love Guru 187 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert - Answered on May 13, 2022

Asked on - May 13, 2022Hindi

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Relationship

Dear Love Guru,
First of all, I want to stay pretty anonymous.
Secondly, it feels weird to discuss it with an unknown individual and never did I in my wildest dream thought that I would be seeking an advice.
However, here I am... 
The story starts when I met this individual in the UAE who is originally from UP, Saharanpur.
This guy initially tried to get closer to me as much as he could and once he succeeded by becoming my close one, we just hit off pretty well. It went to point of engagement Roka. I wasn't there in India for Roka. It happened with him, his family and my parents.
Everything was dreamy and nice until he started changing his behaviour towards my parents and then me, he was abusing me with money.
He put me into credit card debts. I was feeling horrible. I started to revoke his access to my card, my everything, and I decided to call it a quit. In return when he understood that I am going to dump him he played his cards.
As he couldn't find any cheating in my case when I was with him he decided to dig my past and started torturing me.
He created a story to humiliate me at the work place and in front of people. He turned the tables by stating that I'm not dumping him rather he is.
It was so heartbreaking for me.
I left my job I left my life in the UAE all coz of this guy.
And now after 2 months he is keeping an eye on me through to social media. Also he is trying to contact me by asking how I am. I don't understand what he wants and I am unable to recover. 
Seeking your help. 
Thanks. 

Ans:

Cut. Him. Off. Completely.

Block him on social media and on your cellphone. And your parents’ cellphones and their social media as well.

The guy is a con and you know it.

You should not have let his stupid rumours cost you your job and your life abroad. The truth of a situation always lets itself be known sooner or later and sometimes you have to brave it out.

I’m sorry to hear what you’ve been through, but you should freeze him out completely.

If you need to talk to someone about this at length, counselling may help.

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Love Guru

Love Guru 187 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert - Answered on May 13, 2022

Asked on - May 13, 2022Hindi

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Love Guru

Love Guru 187 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert - Answered on Apr 20, 2022

Asked on - Apr 20, 2022Hindi

Relationship

I am from mechanical background and work as an engineer. My wife is an IT professional. We got married in 2014 by finding through matrimony site and same caste.
I belong from Haryana and she is primarily from UP and we have grown in different cities. She has one sister (IT professional) who got divorced in 2012 and married again in 2014 after our engagement.
Everything was fine. The story started after the engagement.
I noticed she used to talk her jija
(PG guest house renter) and I showed him caution since she did not attend my call in between.
I again noticed her commanding behaviour when we were selecting the menu selection (food) for the upcoming function that was to happen at my place but I ignored it.
Honeymoon was in Singapore where his brother played a role for ticket arrangement and agency where I paid her half the amount as per her wish.
In the honeymoon also, I noticed she use to go to the bathroom and keep sending information to her family members which I ignored.
By now I was of a view that she use to share thick and thin with her family members. After we married, I was supposed to go to Pune for two nights and she was alone in our flat.
When I came back, I asked the security guard to share visitors list and saw her jija’s name (might be with her sister). I took a photo and went to the flat.
I asked her anyone had come and she lied to me. Then it turned to be a hell fight and in the morning she put herself on her knees and said sorry and said it will not repeat.
But this did not stop here. My and her office was in Gurgaon and sometimes she said please come for pickup. I went to her office two hours prior to her given time and caught her again with her jija and her sister.
This kind of stuff I noticed two-three times. Once, we were roaming in a craft mela and we came across her jija and her sister.
She used to go her home without telling for how much time she is going and all.
This resulted in no stuff shared by me also. Her parents never called me and I also never connected with her parents and brother or her family.
Whenever any fight happens, she shouts loudly to attract attention and she uses sex as a tool to forget every matter and move on.
On the festival front, she carries on with her ways and has never accepted our ways. She always mentions, ‘Tum logon ko puja bi nahi karni aati.’
Her brother and parents visited only five-six times in seven years. They have a big time connection with elder jija.
We have never take any penny from her salary till now because, on many occasions, I found her of ill-mentality. With God’s grace, we have two flats and our financial background is good.
Whenever I try to ask her about her bank balance, she never gives answers. I tried to convince her that you pay my loan, I will give you EMI, but she always said she will think about it.
I have four sisters. After we married, we visited them. She never gave them a penny and would always ask me; she would also say that I don’t have khulle paise. On one occasion she said, “Mere paise chori ho gaye.”
It was the initial stage so we ignored it. But after that my shirt went missing and some stuff went missing. We also noticed a few times that our money was also stolen. We suspect her but are not sure about her behaviour.
My sisters stay in the village and they came once in a year so there is no disturbance from my family.
My mother is 75 years old and a very polite lady. She stays with us and interferes nothing in matters.
We have two kids now. One of our kids is just ignoring her and the second kid is somewhat going with her and when I am at home he also usually spends time with me.
She is never kind of playing and mixing person with kids and my behaviour is to mix and that’s the reason both kids connect well with me.
Her parents stay in Dhanbad. She had gone there one year back but the kids refused to go. She put the blame on me. I told her that I can come along with kids to which she said big joke.
After coming back from home, I notice she started saying no to everything -- like going our second home in the village or to attend any ceremony or saying no to sex, etc.
Though I am a through gentleman, we ignore her but recently she provoked me and I said blah, blah, blah since she also use blah, blah, blah and recorded and called her brother and mother at our home.
They use her father only for calling. Her father called and said, ‘Why are you using bad language?’ I said the same was used by her.
They came my house twice for meeting. Her brother was quiet and mother overspoke.
My wife used to threaten me three-four time for divorce and I kept ignoring her words. I mentioned this to her mother. Her mother in that meeting she will be here with taunting.
She did the same thing to provoke second time and this time her mother use to never stop shouting along with my wife. Her brother also used abusive language and they brought one retired inspector. However, that retired person talk genuinely. He was from Haryana and, on many points, he mentioned festivals have family traditions.
I never like her food in seven years not due to the bad reflection but due to her making recipe. I tried to change it in initial days, but she always tries to be heavy on me once I approach kitchen. So I left that and started eating. After two recent fights, there are no talks and I have kept one maid to cook my food.
Now she used to go in the market/bank /her family frequently to disturb the atmosphere of the family.
The big disconnect I found is she is full with backbiting and negative approach behaviour and never gives heed to positive behaviour. Either she will be quiet or she will be loud and attach no midway to discuss and debate.
After all this, what I concluded is that my wife is totally hacked mind and adopted ill tactics to down me. Her family members are playing smartly and may be using her money also at the same time I observe that she don’t want to break with me.
They want to put pressure on me by emotion/threaten means for the gaps (kids are not connected with her or her family).
My thinking is time is a big healer and I have large mind to digest the situation comings. Please suggest me what can be best interest of this situation.
Thanks

Ans:

Most of what you have written makes no sense.

If she is attached to her sister and brother-in-law, or even to her whole family, that should not be an issue for you. They are her family.

It’s not like she’s having an affair. And it’s not like she spends an unreasonable amount of time with them, is it? In fact, her parents are not even in the same city.

You not liking her cooking sounds like a complaint from the Middle Ages -- hiring a cook seven years ago would have helped instead of fighting!

And if she has a temper problem, that can be addressed as well, with mature discussions between the two of you. Involving other family members there is a mistake.

You’ve given importance to so many non-issues in your mail to me that I’m wondering where exactly the problem lies. Visit a marriage counsellor -- both of you.

 

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Love Guru

Love Guru 187 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert - Answered on Apr 20, 2022

Asked on - Apr 20, 2022Hindi

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Dear Love Guru
Offline college has started and, in the very first week, I have really, really liked this boy.
I am not a frivolous kind of person and I never thought something like this would happen to me college.
We don’t know each other really, we are just classmates. It’s all very awkward for me and my friends can see I like him and they tease me. It will be worse if he comes to know.
I cannot discuss this with my family, I don’t want advice from my friends who are my age.
Can you tell me what I should do now?
Confused

Ans:

It’s just a college crush, my dear…nothing to get so uptight about. It’s normal at your age.

You can tell your friends you don’t want him to know, but so what if he does? Maybe he likes you too or will ask you out?

There’s really no set course to follow in these matters. Just enjoy your college days and years!

 

Dear Love Guru
This is not exactly a love problem but kind of related.
My ex and my good friend are engaged and it’s left me feeling very awkward.
It’s uncomfortable to see her with him.
I don’t want to give up the group or them because we are all very good friends.
Everyone’s struggling to adapt to the new dynamics and I’m feeling bad.
How do I handle this?

The way you’re feeling is perfectly natural and this situation is more common than you think.

I know of someone who has been in the exact same position as you and he was the bigger person back then.

Today, things are so normal between him and the couple; they’re still good friends and laugh about what was a few years ago.

My point is, what you want to achieve -- a new normal -- is very possible.

Since you’re all within the same group, I’d suggest riding things out. You make an effort to normalise things and they will do the same. The new dynamic will become the norm in time, you’ll see.

Let time take away your discomfort. It will.

 

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Relationships Expert - Answered on Apr 07, 2022

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Relationship

Dear LG,
Please don't disclose my name. I don't want to share my personal problems with others.
I am 45 years old, married 13 years ago; my wife's age is now 38 years.
I got two kids.
My wife is pretty (she takes lot of care for her beauty) and I want to live simple.
I kept faith on my wife so I didn't interfere in her life.
From last four years, I am staying away from family (because of work I have shifted to other city, monthly once I go back , purchase everything, give money for expense and return to job).
She keeps her mobile with security. Once, by mistake, I read her WhatsApp message. One of her office client was praising her pics and she was responding to him. So I told her, be official, don't entertain, if they fall behind you and we may face problem. She agreed but is doing the same thing and deleting his messages.
Then I wanted to see what all things she does in WhatsApp. So her link I shared in my mobile and started reading her messages.
She use to chat with one married person from last three years, she changed his name in her mobile and kept his wife's name. Three years back he proposed her with love song. My wife used to support him, sometimes she used to delete the messages.
He knows all my family history. Whenever they get time, they used to talk each other
in phone. Some messages I read, they were planning to meet also.
She always come home very late, I didn't question her because I kept faith, but as I told you I have two kids in home. If she comes late, they are facing a problem (they stay alone until she comes back).
Simultaneously she is chatting with another married friend. She says he is like a brother in front of me, but that person says baby, darling, dear, love, etc, in his conversation and forwarded some love songs and calling her for long drive. My wife replied some other day we will go. He replies, You always says same thing. I will become old one day.
Then I was surprised and guided my wife indirectly. I told, don't entertain any person they may start to trouble you or if anybody troubling you please tell I will help you. We got two kids so we got lot of responsibility.
She got a clue that I am reading her messages, so immediately she deleted all messages and after some days she deleted their numbers, along with that she deleted some other numbers also!  Why, I don't know.
Once I told my son, beware, I can track you and tell where are you going and what are you doing. But from that day onwards, my wife is blocking her internet at 6 pm (when her office closes) and unblocking when she returns home. I am worried regarding this behaviour.
I have stopped reading her messages now.
But now I am feeling very uncomfortable because her behaviour is very soft with me, (previously she was very aggressive, she used to fight with me unnecessarily.)
Please guide me how to handle the situation. What can I do now? Sometimes I feel I should leave everything go somewhere or is it a punishment for marrying a pretty girl? What to do? Please guide how handle the situation.
Regards.

Ans:

So, in a nutshell, you think your wife was flirting behind your back, you dropped some hints and then she has either stopped, or then stopped you from spying on her phone.

First of all, why are you dropping hints to her instead of talking straight? Which husband is going to appreciate his wife being wooed by other men with all this darling-baby love talk?

Even if she’s not having an affair, the flirty behaviour is bound to make you uncomfortable. Don’t you think you should call her out on it instead of pretending like some other man is making her uncomfortable?

Clearly, she’s enjoying the attention!

You seem very timid and intimidated by your wife. And if her behaviour has changed toward you for the better because you suspect she is guilty of something, all the more reason to get to the bottom of it!

Stop playing games and pussyfooting around her. Do some straight-talking for a change instead of going behind her back and reading messages!

And FYI, being good-looking doesn’t give any spouse licence to make their partner insecure!

 

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Dear Love Guru,
I am working in an educational Institute where I am a non-teaching staff.
Out of many staff members, I liked one married lady faculty.
She always laughs when I crack jokes. She talks nicely with me. So I am waiting for a chance to impress her and propose her.
After so many waiting months, I got a chance. Her payment cheque was with me for delivery so I called her at a place which is near to her home. There, I asked her a coffee in a hotel. She immediately agreed.
So we go to nearby hotel and have a lot of general discussion for one hour.
At the end of it, I gave her one yellow rose as a good friend to start the friendship.
After 2-3 days, I again called her to meet me in a hotel for coffee. She first said yes and after one hour she refused to meet me.
After that, she stopped talking with me and blocked me from WhatsApp, phones and other things. She is avoiding me continuously due to which I have gone into depression.
Love Guru, please tell me where I went wrong.

Ans:

Oh, I’ll tell you where you went wrong alright -- by trying to pursue a married woman!

Just because she is nice to you and laughs at your jokes does not mean she’s romantically interested in you. And maybe she realised that you’re in it for more than friendship and decided to cut things off right there.

I would suggest you behave appropriately, keep your distance and look for a relationship elsewhere.

I need not remind you that it’s also your job on the line if she complains of sexual harassment at your workplace.

Look elsewhere, there are plenty of fish in the sea!

 

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Love Guru

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Relationships Expert - Answered on Jan 13, 2022

Asked on - Jan 13, 2022Hindi

Relationship

Hi Love Guru.
Please keep my identity as anonymous as possible. 
I have few issues going on in my mind and want your suggestions.
First, to get out of block and unblock chain.
I met a girl who is my brother’s friend in 2017. We started chatting on FB, then exchanged numbers.
We had a rapport till six months. There was a unique attachment between us during that period. Not chatting with her for even one day would make me uneasy.
In October 2017, her engagement was fixed. I was normal, knowing that there cannot be much between us except being in contact.
One day, at the end of our talk, she said, Love you. I laughed, saying “What nonsense that you always call me with different weird names. Now, after your engagement is fixed, you are telling me this.”
Then, she blocked me on WhatsApp and I really felt like I was in a cage. Then, after a few days, she unblocked me.
She got engaged but, after a few months, her engagement broke.
We then again got in good contact. After few months her marriage got fixed.
Now she is married. After her marriage, our contact was very, very less as priorities changed. I proceeded with my studies and job and she carried on with her personal and professional life.
Two months back, she called me and said I am bored and feeling irritated with life so I called you to freshen my mind. I was also happy talking to her.
I am that kind of introvert person who opens up with few and she was among them.
For one or two weeks, we used to talk 30 to 45 minutes daily.
Suddenly, she blocked me on WhatsApp. I called her and she behaved like a stranger to me -- like who’s this, I don’t know you, who you are and she ended the call and blocked me.
Till date, she has blocked me.
I think there are many things she is hiding from me -- from why her first engagement broke to marring another guy who is not of her caste when she is from a conservative family 
Post her engagement, there were many times she blocked and unblocked me. She is running in my mind. I want to get rid of her. Please suggest how and what shall I talk to her so I get an end to this.
Thank you for bearing to read all this.
My second issue is I think I am addicted to pornography.
Two to three years back, I used to watch a lot of porn and would prefer MILF porn, ie senior pornstars videos.
I think, due to this, I don’t get much attracted to girls of my age. I respect them but I think, because of my addiction, I see females elder to me attractive rather than females of my age.
Please help. Suggest how I shall get out of this as this also affects me academically, personally and professionally.
Thank you,
Anon

Ans:

Dear Anonymous,

I don’t think you really have any serious problems in your life at all; it’s your perceptions that are all wrong.

Let me straighten this out for you, one issue at a time.

First off, you have one weird, unpredictable friend who once told you she loved you and then went and married someone else.

Not once have you stated that you are in love with her or have feelings for her. In fact, when she said she loved you, you brushed it off.

She contacts you when she’s bored and cuts you off when she’s not.

And now, it’s come to the point where you really need to be the one blocking her and not the other way around...

You want to get rid of her? Block her once and for all. And if she still manages to get in touch, tell her politely that you have had enough of this one-sided friendship and not to contact you again.

Second, about what you think is a porn ‘addiction’... An addiction is something that interferes with your normal life, career and relationships. It’s an obsession that consumes you every waking hour.

And, from what you’ve said, I don’t think you’re watching such volumes of pornography every day, are you?

Furthermore, unless you’re into grannies, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with being attracted to women older than you... everyone has a type!

If after everything I’ve said you still fancy you have problems, I’d suggest visiting a therapist. But before spending that kind of money, think long and hard about what I’ve said and decide for yourself whether you think you need it.

 

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Love Guru

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Relationship

Dear Love Guru,
My wife and I are in an arranged marriage since around 15 years and there is nothing that we celebrate about our relationship, except kids which are the only reason for our existing relations.
I am working abroad and have visits for a month on vacation after every couple of months.
After marriage, I noticed my wife’s flirting behaviour with strange men (to seduce) during many occasions but initially ignored it.
However, I found it frustrating when I felt her to be habitual flirter. I then spoke to her, which was after around 2.5 years of our marriage, and she denied the matter.
Soon noticing such perpetual habits about her, we went on for non-talking terms some time and then a storm broke out in our house. My parents and her parents supported her, since I couldn’t prove any of her behaviour.
She has been lying since her behaviour was noticed and even after that, but my love for her and my child (at that time) made me feel that probably that I need to avoid any suspicious behaviour.
Such storm was repeated even recently few years earlier.
I had thought my idea of a second child would improve our relations, but it hasn’t helped.
I could still notice her flirting behaviour with strangers and even with known personnel including my relatives.
I even believe her to be in relationship with one of my cousins, based on my observations of their behaviour during our every meet, which I cannot speak of due to my previous experience and which will otherwise definitely terminate our relations.
Actually, we are never on good terms these days whenever I visit home and mostly converse only if required.
We are also not good in bed and I have also been feeling a low erectile in bed these days.
These moments have affected me psychologically and I feel very negative about our relationship.
My family remains my priority and I have been trying to see that we all are all happy as a family.
I have even sacrificed my own family time for better earnings so that my family can get all the best in life.
She takes good care of the children and manages the house nicely.
I also ensure that we, as a family, go out on long journeys for travel and my children are everything for me.
I have trying to cope up with all this by focusing on work and socialising with friends to the best extent possible.
However, her behaviour (in spite of my presence) makes me feel negative.
How can I deal with the matter since any re-attempt on my part to speak on the same matter, even if cordially, with my wife will create another storm like earlier?
I wish to sort out the differences and need your advice. Should we meet a counsellor separately on this to sort out the matter?
Keep me anonymous and respect my privacy.

Ans:

You’ve been sweeping the same issues your marriage has faced from the very beginning under the carpet for 15 years. Why?

And instead of addressing the issues, you decided to go ahead and have a second child?

Having a child is a joy in itself, but it is never the solution to marital woes; in fact, in most cases it only exacerbates the problem.

From everything you’ve told me, you seem to come across as an insecure husband.

I’m not saying that what you’ve told me is untrue, but you keep suspecting your wife of flirting with random men and have no proof of it.

Both sides of the family support her and let me tell you, unless she is a master of deception, no one can conceal their true nature so well from everyone else for the better part of two decades.

Maybe what you construe as flirting is simply her being friendly? Maybe you’re just not comfortable with the manner in which she interacts with other men?

Have you ever managed to prove her inappropriate relations? And when you accuse her, she blows up at you... a guilty party would not react in so volatile a manner.

I do think marital counselling is in order. And yes, maybe separately at first and then together.

Contact a good therapist and do it sooner rather than later... 15 years has been long enough!

 

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Love Guru

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Relationship

Love Guru,
First let me tell you to be anonymous while publishing reply on this.
I am having multiple health problems that might lead to early death as well. I don't want to hide this from my life partner.
I'm in love with a girl, whom I can't marry as the law won't allow it under the Sapinda relationship (ed: referring to marriage between cousins within the Hindu community) clause. She too is madly in love with me.
Recently she met a boy, whom she thinks she can marry and settle.
I'm more than happy to hear that as I am not sure with my regularly weakening health condition, I can be with her for life.
I have already asked her to go forward with the marriage proposal.
I don't know if can live without her.
Somehow I'm getting a feeling that I'm running away from my responsibility. Not sure what to do.
Can you please advise?

Ans:

You’re not running away from responsibility, you’re sparing her the responsibility of playing caregiver to you as your health deteriorates and, more importantly, leaving her bereft of a life partner at a young age.

I’m sorry to hear that you have such severe issues but, as difficult as it is for you, I do think this is the right decision if you’re putting her happiness before yours.

The fact that she’s agreed to marry someone else also should also tell you that, inherently, even she is hesitant about your situation.

Moreover, there’s the Sapinda clause, legally speaking, which won’t permit you to marry... you haven’t disclosed just how closely the both of you are related here.

So, all circumstances considered, I think her moving on with someone else is in her best interests.

I wish you health and happiness.

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Mayank Rautela238 Answers  |Ask -

HR Expert - Answered on Jan 07, 2022

Asked on - Jan 07, 2022Hindi

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Career

Dear Sir,
I am presently working as an HR executive in a waste management company since the last 2.5 years. It is a plastics recycling business of two plants located in Hyderabad and Vizag.
I joined as fresher.
I have seen that the value for HR is very less among my colleagues and plant head.
Workers are being asked to work continuously without off 16 hours a day, for 10 days or more.
As our company is an MNC, we do have policies for work hours where policy states no overtime or comp off is allowed for company employees.
When I try to tell the HOD this, he is not taking it seriously and shouting that he too knows policies and all.
Another concern is that, due to this type of pressure and no value for HR, I have decided to move on to another job with a 40 per cent hike.
When I gave my resignation, my HRBP has taken it to CHRO level and made promises to improve the situation.
As I am a B Tech and MBA graduate, I have got a better offer even though it is a contract role.
I would like to join that job (Tata Boeing Aerospace). Due to staying back at present, I am feeling very low. My confidence is low as value given is very less.
Do suggest whether I should stay back and trust the word given by my HRBP or to move to another job. In this recycling business, I am the only one HR executive working.
Please do keep my identity private.

Ans:

I think since you have got a job in a Tata company, you must grab it with both hands.

The nature of contractual employment in today's world has limited impact.

Do check the process of extending the contract and regularising the employment.

The current job does not seem to be with an employer with whom you should continue.

 

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Anu

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Relationship

I have been married for a little more than five years and I am living under tremendous stress and depression.
We live in a joint family with my parents and an unmarried brother. I had told her all this before marriage.
She loves me very much but her attitude towards my relatives has been a matter of concern right from the start.
She does not want to keep a relationship with anybody apart from my immediate family.
Slowly, she started having problems with my mother also; both have started having minor clashes at home. Many times, it is my mother’s mistake.
The main problem is that she is very nagging and complains and gets irritated very frequently at the smallest instance.
Frustrated, I planned on separating with her but the news came of her pregnancy and we were blessed with a baby girl.
After the baby was born, my wife’s frustration and irritation has increased manifold because of her fear that my mother will give much more love to the baby then she can. So their clashes have increased.
Now my wife has been putting a lot of pressure on me to look for a new house away from my parents, since she wants her own space.
I already have a home loan on the existing home and a car loan. There is very less scope for me to purchase a new home and I don't want to leave my parents. She just doesn't understand my position and clashes happen between us.
Looking at all this, I desperately want to separate from her but can't do so because of our daughter. I love her the most and can't live without her. So I just endure what is happening every day.
This has resulted in me slipping into depression. It has affected my work in office as well. I am not performing well, I don't like to speak with any of my friends or relatives, I don't feel like doing anything.
I’m living for the sake of my daughter, that's it.
Even my parents are not in a position to understand me and my situation so I can't talk to them either.
Can you help?
Just don’t publish my name.

Ans:

Hi

It is unfortunate that you are in this situation.

Your wife is possibly not very inclined to be in a joint family set-up; the reasons maybe many. But isn’t it necessary for you as a husband and a father to look out for your family?

The misunderstandings caused between the two of you over the years because of being in a joint family set-up have never been addressed and much water has flowed under the bridge.

There is a slim chance that matters might get resolved if you get your mother and wife in the same room and iron it out, with you being a neutral person who does not take sides; this is the best option.

If this isn’t possible, kindly visit a family counsellor who can step in and show your family a way to live amicably or give you a perspective on how healthy it might be to live separately.

At the end of the day, you have responsibilities towards your wife and child too!

All the best and a Happy 2022.

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Relationships Expert - Answered on Dec 30, 2021

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Relationship

Hi.
I am in a relationship since five years.
My BF was very gentle and caring initially but after his financial downfall he became cold and restless. And I had to change cities due to work.
I love him and he tells me he loves me too, which I feel he does.
But he is very ambitious and struggling in his life and is busy planning most days. Which I understand, but it irritates me that we have zero conversations that he starts or takes interest in.
We do discuss decisions and official things a lot, but I am talking about meaningful conversations and couple time.
It’s been several years now and I have to wait for ages to discuss any simple, emotional thing with him. He is constantly on an unending chase.
He lives in another city. I understand and wanna support him but it upsets me anyway because it’s been such long time of chasing simple conversations.
I feel like I can’t hold on to the relation anymore because I tried to discuss this hundreds of time with him but he could never make time to even let me complete.
In fact, he promises me time and conveniently forgets while I wait eagerly.
He is always sleepy or tired by the time I begin anything and then it’s impossible for me to begin, which I feel is disgusting.
We have started having ugly fights and I can’t resist being angry at things now.
Now he has started acting rude and inconsiderate towards me. Though he is not mean to me, he always calls me impatient and kiddish to not understand his situation.
He often tells me that he is not spending his time partying. He is making plans for both of us.
He just has one answer that I should trust him and give him some time he will set everything.
But I feel overly sensitive and depressed and in continuous chase which is very derogatory and bothers my self-worth.
I always am ready for him in every way but here I am feeling choked and he is just not getting it. What should I do? How do I tell him that it is high time? Or am I overreacting?
Please help.
A person in need

Ans:

The problem you’re facing is very common in long-distance relationships.

You have a need for attention that you’re not getting from him and he’s so busy planning a future that he’s forgotten how to take care of the present.

I can tell you that until he is secure in a job and has stabilised his situation, his behaviour is not going to change significantly. And maybe not after either...Maybe this is who he is, and after the initial spark wore off, this is him.

That said, the distance is definitely playing a role in fuelling tensions between the two of you.

Explain to him that you need some quality time with him and that couples who live apart do set aside a little time for each other despite all the pressures of everyday life.

It’s not childish to expect attention and love from your partner, even from a thousand miles away.

At your end, you can try to be less demanding.

Maybe he isn’t at liberty to chitchat every single day or every couple of days also.

As long as you get what you want out of even a weekly or twice-weekly conversation with him, cut him a little slack. That is, provided this guy means enough to you.

If he doesn’t and you’re second-guessing the relationship, the person he is and your love for him, maybe the headache just isn’t worth it.

You’ve already invested five years, and if it’s not looking bright, you should cut your losses and move on.

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Mayank

Mayank Rautela238 Answers  |Ask -

HR Expert - Answered on Dec 23, 2021

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Career

Dear Mayank,
Please guide me as to what I should do.
I'm working as an HR officer (offrole). I am 30 years old. My salary is below the minimum wage rate. I have been working here since 1.9 years but still have got no increment.
I'm a career oriented person. I want to move to the next position. When I was offered this job, it was mentioned I would be taken onroll after 1.5 yr to 2 years. But still there is nothing being done.
New people that are being hired on same profile as me are hired on onroll (FTC) with salary higher than mine. Moreover, some HR interns have also been hired and once they are absorbed in the company, they will be on the company’s payroll.
An HR intern whom I have trained from A to Z and is a fresher is being offered a regional HR position. This is a position that is higher than mine. I cannot understand why someone like me who has 1.9 years of experience in the company is not even considered.
I have got an offer from a pharmaceutical company and I have resigned from my current job. But I'm still confused about whether I should leave this company or not.
Please guide me about what to do so that I can grow on my career. In the current company, there is a lot of politics and I'm not able to deal with it. I'm losing my confidence.
I want to keep this anonymous.
Thank you.

Ans:

You must discuss these concerns you have regarding your career not growing in the same manner as your colleagues with your manager or HR.

If it can be resolved, then continue on your current role.

Else, you can consider the new job after you have done due diligence about the new company and its management.

 

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Mayank

Mayank Rautela238 Answers  |Ask -

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Career

Hi Mayank,
I would like to keep my question anonymous.
I have been working in an energy solutions-based company. It is a multinational engineering consultancy company. Our main line of business is engineering of oil and gas based refineries and related petrochemical plants.
I joined this Mumbai-based company in 2015 as a trainee.
I am happy with the work but my financial growth is very slow as compared to my friends working in similar companies.
I haven't switched companies as on now.
I am looking for a job switch both in India or abroad (Dubai/ Singapore). 
I have been trying hard to find a company for a job switch but I am not getting response from anyone.
I mainly try through LinkedIn and Naukri.
My questions to you are:
1. Could you please advise what is the best way to find jobs abroad (because I'm tired of applying via LinkedIn). Should I take any professional help? If yes, please suggest the name of a good company you know.
2. What is the best way to switch a job in India, considering the lack of response from employers through LinkedIn or Naukri?
I'll be very happy to have answers to this.
Thanks and regards,
Anonymous

Ans:

Hi. As you work in a niche segment, your job search also needs to be focused.

Make a list of the companies where your skills are the most appropriate.  Then connect with people who work in those companies through LinkedIn. Approach them for a suitable role as all good companies have internal employee referral programmes.

Also, please understand that you should not look for a job only because of a low salary.

If your management is supportive and is willing to gradually increase your salary, then you can consider continuing here.

 

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Love Guru

Love Guru 187 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert - Answered on Dec 21, 2021

Asked on - Dec 21, 2021Hindi

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Relationship

Dear Guruji,
Namaskar.
I have been married since five years (arranged) and have two beautiful kids.
The problem in my married life is that I don't find my wife beautiful or attractive.
Why I agreed to marry her back in 2016 is a topic for another day, but it was my decision and I was not forced in any way.
I am not a bad guy and believe that physical beauty is not all that matters.
She is a very honest and beautiful person by nature. I have tried and tried and tried but she just does not appear attractive to me in any way.
We have sex very rarely and now she is beginning to question me about it. I make excuses on and off but now it’s getting on me.
I want to feel the desire for sex with my wife too, but there seems to be no way. I cannot leave her coz I know she is not to blame and same goes for the kids.
Sometimes I feel that I should tell her I don't find her attractive but I know it will hurt her.
The problem is that it’s not just she who is suffering coz of lack of sex; I am also going through same.
Please advise,
Anonymous

Ans:

Ouch! It’s not every day that someone writes in stating that s/he is quite so turned off by a partner.

You seem to have a good wife and a good marriage outside of the sex.

Instead of hurting her feelings about her appearance, why don’t you make some suggestions that will improve your attraction toward her? Surely you have preferences when it comes to hair/ clothing/ lingerie?

She’s obviously noticed your lack of interest and I think she will be willing to take a few steps to remedy the situation.

As a side note, please remember that beauty runs only skin-deep.

Don’t mess up your family over something like this; and if my advice doesn’t help, you have two other options.

One, visit a therapist to help you work through this problem or, two, just turn off the lights and get down to business with her using your imagination!

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Love Guru

Love Guru 187 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert - Answered on Dec 21, 2021

Asked on - Dec 21, 2021Hindi

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Relationship

Hi.
I am a 40-year-old male and my wife is 36 years. We have two kids.
Our marriage is normal like mostly couples.
I like to try and experience different things for which my wife is not ready. She is always happy in the normal, lazy sex life.
She never tries to initiate things or perform well in sex. She just doesn’t cooperate.
It has been 11 years since we got married and I have tried to convince her plenty of times for some extra fun but she always refused.
She is beautiful but doesn’t like to wear sexy or modern clothes. That’s why I started looking out of the box for satisfying myself.
Is there any other thing I can do?

Ans:

What do you mean by ‘looking out of the box’? I have news for you, buddy -- marriage is a box and you’re inside it!

I can understand your frustration, but it’s not like your wife is refusing you sex and you need to look for it elsewhere. I suspect that she’s refusing to cooperate because it seems unnatural to her and there’s some moral dilemma attached to her manner of thinking.

The first thing you need to do is help her remove the stigma she attaches to being sexually adventurous.

Explain that all normal couples experiment in the bedroom and that as long as it’s consensual, what the two of you do to each other behind closed doors is not for anyone to judge.

Maybe a sex therapist could better able to explain to her that giving in to some of your suggestions and fantasies is normal and not some depraved act that she should be embarrassed about.

(more)
Love Guru

Love Guru 187 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert - Answered on Dec 21, 2021

Asked on - Dec 21, 2021Hindi

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Relationship

I am in a relationship since nine years, including four years of marriage.
Since the day of marriage, I am having regular fights with my wife concerning my mother and sisters.
Of late, I am feeling like I have lost the love between the two of us.
We have stopped talking and are not even getting a chance to spend some time together. Whenever we do, we end up arguing about past mistakes and all. We never talk about the future.
During the second wave of the pandemic, we came to our native place. After spending some good days, she went to her home for some days and now she is not willing to come back.
We recently had a fight over phone and stopped talking. Then I started calling her and talking to her but she does not seem to be in a mood to talk.
Now, I have stopped talking to her.
I am bit worried as I feel like I am left alone.
Despite so many efforts towards her and her family , she finds a reason to get pissed about me.
I am not sure anymore what to do.
If I try to make her understand, then this is again the same situation happening since four years.
If I don’t, then I know she won’t be taking any initiative from her side.
Please suggest.

Ans:

You have left out one very important piece of information. Do you and your wife live with your mother and sisters?

I know in-laws are a bone of contention in most households at some point, but it comes to such an extreme only when people are forced to cohabitate with them. And if this is the case, you need to change the living arrangements pronto.

Never mind whether your wife is right or your family is right; if you want to save your marriage and improve relations between your family and your wife, move out. Immediately.

I’d like you to write in again and tell me exactly what’s going on. And this is for both of you -- if you don’t let go of the past and forgive each other’s past mistakes, you’ll never move forward.

The idea is not to repeat them and fall into old patterns of behaviour.

You need to make a promise to each other that, when having a discussion, neither will rake up past fights unless they have an extreme bearing on the current scenario.

(more)
Roopashree

Roopashree Sharma187 Answers  |Ask -

Yoga, Naturopathy Expert - Answered on Dec 16, 2021

Asked on - Dec 16, 2021Hindi

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Mayank

Mayank Rautela238 Answers  |Ask -

HR Expert - Answered on Dec 08, 2021

Asked on - Dec 08, 2021Hindi

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Career

Dear Sir,
I would like my question to be anonymous.
If your company is allowing you to work from home and your home is in a different city and you are called for meetings, can one ask for travel expenses? I am asking this because my home town is far away from my office and I cannot afford air travel.
Travelling by road or train means I need to take a day off each way.
How do I approach this problem?
Thank you.

WFH brings many issues along with it; travel to work for meetings is one of them.

Clearly, it will depend on the policy of your company.

If your company does not have a policy that covers out station travel while WFH, then you need to make a special request to the senior management. I am sure they will accommodate you.

Else, depending on the frequency of the meetings, you will have to look at accommodation in the city where your office is based.

Ans:

Dear Sir,
I will soon be in a position where I will have to interview potential candidates for my department.
I have never interviewed anyone for a job before.
What should I keep in mind and how will I know the person in front of me is a good candidate and a good fit for my department?
Looking forward to your reply. Please don’t reveal my name.

Interviewing is a skill that you develop on the job.

Since you are starting to take interviews, it will be a good idea to do short term online training or in-person training for the same.

You can also approach your HR team or immediate supervisor to be your coach in this aspect.

(more)
Love Guru

Love Guru 187 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert - Answered on Nov 29, 2021

Asked on - Nov 29, 2021Hindi

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Relationship

I am a 53-year-old male, serving in the Indian defence sector.
I have always had a soft corner towards beautiful ladies.
I have my family -- two grown up sons and a wife.
My wife is not so beautiful enough and so I get attracted by beautiful women who speak with a smile.
In the last four years, I have made friendship with three ladies. Their age group is around 25 to 30.
These ladies are having so many boyfriends, but they don't accept it in front of me. I am wasting my hard-earned money for their happiness, but in return I don't get love or anything.
Out of all three, one girl aged 28 calls me daddy because of her personal vested interest for online shopping.
My financial crunch is getting worse.
I want to get rid of this nonsense, but due to my nature I cannot avoid them. I still have friendship with them.
I know they are not loyal to me.
Please guide me in this regard.
Name withheld on request

Ans:

There's a name for your predicament, pal -- you've become what is commonly known as a 'sugar daddy', an elderly man who lavishes young women with money and gifts and maintains their lifestyle in exchange for a relationship. And, in your case, it's without the side benefits!

There's no fool like an old fool, so I'd suggest you stop wasting your hard-earned money on pretty young things who are fonder of your money than they are of you.

Cut them off and remain faithful to your wife; these dalliances on the side are doing nothing but buying you some time with a pretty face -- at prices that you can't afford.

The word is ‘No’ -- learn how to use it!

(more)
Mayank

Mayank Rautela238 Answers  |Ask -

HR Expert - Answered on Aug 17, 2021

Asked on - Aug 17, 2021Hindi

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Career

Dear Mayank,
I am engineering graduate with 10+ years of experience in data centre operations.
I have been working for an MNC for the last four years. The company is very good but I am not happy with my professional and personal growth.
I am mentioning some issues which I feel restrict me from going ahead in my life and growing in my career.
1. I come under pressure immediately. It could be because I want to make everyone happy.
2. I get confused a lot. Although I have complete belief on my skills and strengths yet, sometimes, it feels like I am nothing.
3. I forgot things very soon because of which I have to work really hard.
4. Sometime, it feels that I am getting hopeless with things.
5. I have a fluctuating mind. I have to make great effort to be focused.
6. I cannot manage my time due to all this. As a result, neither my boss nor my family is happy.
It would be great to have your guidance in solving these problems.
Thanks and regards,
Name withheld on request.

Ans:

Hi.

These are some practical things you can do to help you resolve most of the issues you shared.

1. Start your day early with some positive thoughts and physical activity. The way you begin your day determines how the rest of the day will go.

2. Spend quality time with your family.

3. Do practise some meditation or yoga as that will help you increase your concentration.

4. Keep your cell phone away from you when at work; check it once, for five minutes, every hour.

5. Find a good mentor at work with whom you can share your concerns openly.

6. Engage in your hobbies.

7. Get good quality sleep.

(more)
Mayank

Mayank Rautela238 Answers  |Ask -

HR Expert - Answered on Aug 17, 2021

Asked on - Aug 17, 2021Hindi

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Mayank

Mayank Rautela238 Answers  |Ask -

HR Expert - Answered on Mar 18, 2021

Asked on - Mar 18, 2021Hindi

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Career

Hello Mayank,
I am a commerce graduate and have around 15 years of experience in back office operations.
I am currently working at the document management department in an oil and gas MNC at a designation equivalent to that of a senior clerk.
I am nearing 40 and I will be losing my current job in the next few months.
My problem is that I am searching for a new job since one year but not getting any interviews. I guess this is due to my age (I am 40 and still at the clerical level) and my salary (around Rs 50,000) which is a bit on higher side with respect to my designation in my city.
I don't have the skillsets or attitude for a team leader or managerial position.
At present, I am not in a financial and mental state to acquire new skill sets, learn new things or start new businesses which are obvious suggestions.
I can't work in BPOs as they don't hire associates at this salary and particularly at this age. Besides, I am not comfortable working night shifts.
Could you suggest some different solution to my problem as I have already figured out/tried the common ones.
Thanks in advance.
Name withheld on request.

Ans:

Hi.

Your question has so many ‘I can't’ statements that you have yourself ruled out many feasible options.

Please remember that, in the job market, there are many more qualified people than there are decent jobs. So you will certainly need to change your mindset and be flexible to adapt and learn new skill sets.

Even Sachin Tendulkar had to adapt to T-20 to play the IPL!

Approach the situation with a positive mindset and things will work out for you.

(more)
Mayank

Mayank Rautela238 Answers  |Ask -

HR Expert - Answered on Feb 24, 2021

Asked on - Feb 24, 2021Hindi

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Career

Dear Sir,
I was delighted to
see your article on Rediff.com.
I am male, 42 years old. I work in Bengaluru.
I am an engineer in a semi-conductor design EDA (electronic design automation) company in Bangalore.
Nobody seems to listen to me at meetings.
I can’t do work fast and I can’t complete my work within the deadlines given.
I have poor communication skills.
My mind is pre-occupied and I waste a lot of time.
I can’t remember the things I updated in the preparation and I used to get angry because of this.
Please help me become a better professional.
Name withheld on request.

Ans:

Hi

You need to get your confidence back.

Think of the times you did well in life and were successful. It could be your college days, your earlier job or even in your personal life.

Remain in the company of positive people who look at your plus points.

Plan your day well; start with some exercises.

Make a ‘To Do’ list and ensure closure of your work as per the time line.

All the best.

(more)
Anil

Anil Rego340 Answers  |Ask -

Financial Planner - Answered on Nov 27, 2020

Asked on - Nov 27, 2020Hindi

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Money
Ans: If your pension is from a fund that your employer has contributed, it is to be filed under the head 'Income from Salaries'.

If on the other hand, you invested into an independent policy from your funds alone (without any contribution from your employer), then it is to be filed under 'Any other income' of the schedule 'Income from other sources'.

(more)
Omkeshwar

Omkeshwar Singh Answer  |Ask -

Head, Rank MF - Answered on Sep 14, 2020

Asked on - Sep 14, 2020Hindi

Money
Currently my Mutual Fund Portfolio is managed through SBI Wealth. For public notice would like to remain Anonymous. Your advice please.

Ans:
Name of the Fund Category Recommendations
Anonymous    
SBI Arbitrage Opportunities Fund- Regeular Plan- Growth Hybrid - Arbitrage Fund SmartSwitch to Boi Axa Arbitrage Fund - Growth
DSP Savings Fund -Regular Plan -Growth Debt - Money Market Fund Continue
Mirae Asset Emerging Bluechip Fund-Regular Plan Growth Equity - Large & Mid Cap Fund Continue
Axis Bluechip Fund- Regular Growth Equity - Large Cap Fund Continue
Aditya Birla Sun Life Savings Fund- Growth -Regular Plan (Debt) Debt - Ultra Short Duration Fund Continue
HDFC Balanced Advantage Fund- Regular Plan -Growth (Hybrid) Hybrid - Balanced Advantage SmartSwitch to ICICI Prudential Balanced Advantage Fund
ICICI Prudential Balanced Advantage Fund-Growth (Hybrid)  Hybrid - Balanced Advantage Continue
STP    
Aditya Birla Sun Life Savings Fund- Growth -Regular Plan (Debt) Debt - Ultra Short Duration Fund Continue
Aditya Birla Sun Life Equity Fund -Growth- Regular Plan  Equity - Multi Cap Fund SmartSwitch to UTI Equity Fund - Growth
Aditya Birla Sun Life Tax Relief 96 Fund- Growth Regular Plan Equity - ELSS  Continue
Aditya Birla Sun Life Midcap Fund-PLAN-Growth-Regular Plan (Equity)  Equity - Mid Cap Fund  Continue
Aditya Birla Sun Life Advantage Fund-Growth -Regular Plan (Equity) Equity - Large & Mid Cap Fund  SmartSwitch to Axis Growth Opportunities Fund 
Aditya Birla Sun Life Savings Fund- Growth -Regular Plan (Debt) Debt - Ultra Short Duration Fund Continue
Aditya Birla Sun Life Equity Fund -Growth- Regular Plan  Equity - Multi Cap Fund SmartSwitch to UTI Equity Fund - Growth
Aditya Birla Sun Life Savings Fund- Growth -Regular Plan (Debt) Debt - Ultra Short Duration Fund Continue
Axis Long Term Equity Fund - Regular Growth Equity - ELSS  Continue
Axis Bluechip Fund- Regular Growth Equity - Large Cap Fund Continue
DSP Savings Fund -Regular Plan -Growth Debt - Money Market Fund Continue
Franklin India PRIMA FUND -GROWTH Equity - Mid Cap Fund SmartSwitch to DSP Mid Cap
FRANKLIN India Ultra Short Bond Fund-Super Institutional Plan Growth (Debt) Debt - Liquid Fund Freezed 
HDFC Balanced Advantage Fund- Regular Plan -Growth (Hybrid) Hybrid - Balanced Advantage SmartSwitch to ICICI Prudential Balanced Advantage Fund
(Franklin India Liquid Fund - Super Institutional Plan-growth)
HDFC Capital Builder Value Fund-Regular Plan -Growth (Equity)  Equity - Value Fund  SmartSwitch to UTI Value Fund
ICICI Prudential Long term Equity Fund (Tax Saving) -Growth Equity - ELSS  SmartSwitch to Axis Long Term Equity - Growth
ICICI Prudential Balanced Advantage Fund-Growth (Hybrid)  Hybrid - Balanced Advantage Continue
ICICI Prudential Discovery Fund-Regular Fund-Growth (Equity)  Equity - Value Fund  SmartSwitch to UTI Value Fund
Mirae Asset Emerging Bluechip Fund-Regular Plan Growth Equity - Large & Mid Cap Fund Continue
Nippon India Vision Fund Growth Plan Growth Option (Equity)  Equity - Large & Mid Cap Fund  Continue
SBI Arbitrage Opportunities Fund- Regeular Plan- Growth Hybrid - Arbitrage Fund SmartSwitch to Boi Axa Arbitrage Fund - Growth
Sundram Mid Cap Fund Regular Growth Equity - Mid Cap Fund  SmartSwitch to DSP Mid Cap
Sundaram Select Focus Fund Regular Growth (Equity)  Equity - Focused Fund SmartSwitch to Axis Focused 25 G
(more)
Omkeshwar

Omkeshwar Singh Answer  |Ask -

Head, Rank MF - Answered on Aug 04, 2020

Asked on - Aug 04, 2020Hindi

Money
I am an artist by profession and presently I am 30 years. I have been investing in mutual funds since 2013 through SIPs. The initial goal was my marriage expenses and setting up my new office, both the goal has been achieved on 2016 and this year respectively.

Presently, I have following mutual funds, however, the returns are not good. I want to continue the same for atleast another 5 years and my aim is a house. Also, my income has substantially reduced as I have set up my office recently. Please advise me whether i should continue these mutual funds or switch and also whether I should reduce my mutual funds considering my income has gone down. 

1. Aditya Birla Sunlife Medium Term Plan - Growth Regular Plan - investing Rs. 5,000/- pm.

2. Aditya Birla Sunlife Frontline Equity Fund - Growth Regular Plan - investing Rs. 5,000/- pm

3. Axis long term equity fund - Regular Plan Growth - investing Rs. 5,000/- pm 

4. Franklin India Tax Shield Growth - investing Rs. 5,000/- pm

5. ICICI Prudential Bluechip Fund Growth - investing Rs. 15,000/- pm

6. IDFC Multicap Fund Growth (Regular Plan) - investing Rs. 5,000/- pm

7. SBI Bluechip Regular Plan Growth - investing Rs. 15,000/- pm

Ans:
Name of the Fund Category RankMF Star Rating Recommendations
Anonymous      
1. Aditya Birla Sunlife Medium Term Plan - Growth Regular Plan - investing Rs. 5,000/- pm. (Not in RankMF)    
2. Aditya Birla Sunlife Frontline Equity Fund - Growth Regular Plan - investing Rs. 5,000/- pm Equity - Large Cap Fund 3 Switch to UTI MasterShare - Growth
3. Axis long term equity fund - Regular Plan Growth - investing Rs. 5,000/- pm  Equity - ELSS 4 continue
4. Franklin India Tax Shield Growth - investing Rs. 5,000/- pm Equity - ELSS 1 Switch to Canara Robeco Equity Tax Saver Fund Regular Growth
5. ICICI Prudential Bluechip Fund Growth - investing Rs. 15,000/- pm Equity - Large Cap Fund 3 Switch to UTI MasterShare - Growth
6. IDFC Multicap Fund Growth (Regular Plan) - investing Rs. 5,000/- pm Equity - Multi Cap Fund 2 Switch to UTI Equity fund  - Growth
7. SBI Bluechip Regular Plan Growth - investing Rs. 15,000/- pm Equity - Large Cap Fund 3 Switch to UTI MasterShare - Growth
(more)
DISCLAIMER: The content of this post by the expert is the personal view of the rediffGURU. Investment in securities market are subject to market risks. Read all the related document carefully before investing. The securities quoted are for illustration only and are not recommendatory. Users are advised to pursue the information provided by the rediffGURU only as a source of information and as a point of reference and to rely on their own judgement when making a decision. RediffGURUS is an intermediary as per India's Information Technology Act.

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