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Anu

Anu Krishna  | Answer  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on May 05, 2022

Anu Krishna is a mind coach and relationship expert.
The co-founder of Unfear Changemakers LLP, she has received her neuro linguistic programming training from National Federation of NeuroLinguistic Programming, USA, and her energy work specialisation from the Institute for Inner Studies, Manila.
She is an executive member of the Indian Association of Adolescent Health.... more
PP Question by PP on May 05, 2022Hindi
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Relationship

Dear Anu, I am in relationship with a guy who is 8 years younger than me. We are so much into each other. 
I am a doctor by profession and he is struggling. I help him emotionally and financially as well. He loves me very much.
Although I’m elder to him he acts more mature than me.
My concern is to hold him as if I am controlling him and whenever I don't get attention I become very stressed.
I am a good-looking person and I get enough boys’ attention. He never gets jealous.
My concern is I want him to be close to me and I can't let him go outside city to grab a good job although he is very loyal to me.
Plz suggest how to destress myself.

Ans:

Dear PP,

Why don’t you give a shot at Loving Yourself and appreciating yourself?

It’s nice to get attention and adulation from another person, but if you have begun to thrive on it, it’s time to ask yourself: if you are in fact trying to ‘up’ your self-worth from his attention and the easiest way to make sure that this is in constant supply is to be clingy, possessive, jealous and controlling?

Not very healthy traits for a long relationship.

When you start to focus on yourself and love yourself, you will rely less and less on his validation and the relationship starts to form based on trust and will become every healthy.

So, spend more time on YOU! Be with Nature, spend time with your female friends, indulge in hobbies that make you smile and so on…he will also respect that space and share more of his time and attention without you having to do anything about it.

Best wishes.

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Anu

Anu Krishna  | Answer  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Apr 21, 2022

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Relationship
 Hi I am in a relationship with a guy for 1 year. He is 5 years older than me. We are of same caste and met via social media.Initially, we had a lot of things to talk about but now we don’t have much stuff to discuss about. He fantasizes about my sis also; he told me that too. He’s been flirting with her which makes me jealous and low as well. In jealousy I sometimes speak harshly to him and that creates a fight between us. When I told him that I feel jealous he asked if I wanted him to avoid talking to her. I don't want that too. I trust him but this jealousy makes me sad and rude to him. What should I do??
Ans:

Dear SR,

He’s just in the playing field, trying out new things and experimenting.

You are possibly looking at a commitment which I am unsure of whether he is ready for it!

When you say that you are in a relationship, are you a couple or have you been simply hanging out together for the sake of being in each other’s company?

Relationship has a different meaning for each person. For some it’s being together and hanging out, for some till they are asked out, they don’t consider it a relationship.

So, please have a chat with him as to whether he wishes to be serious or not, is he looking for a long-term commitment or not.

When he digs deep for answers, he will also understand his mind space better, and it will give you a clear indication as to where this is all headed.

Till then all you will be doing is fixing and repairing his playing field.

All the best!

..Read more

Anu

Anu Krishna  | Answer  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jun 24, 2022

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Relationship
Hello... I have been in a relationship since 10 years, not yet married.My boyfriend is okay in all ways. But there is something that's bothering me a lot. Whenever he is with his friends or family I just get angry and scold him whatever I like. I don't like if he talks very close to his friends (male friends) or family. He is trying his best to keep me happy, but I'm feeling insecure when he is with his friends and family.To be honest even if he gives more importance and value to his family that makes me feel more angry.I'm unable take this anymore.After fights even I think why did I did like this, what's wrong with me?I question myself after a fight. I even think that I won't be doing this next time because even friends and family are important but it's doesn't work and he is fed up with me.Whenever he is with friends or his family, I create something that's not true.End of the day I'm crying, I'm loosing my happiness.Waiting for an answer
Ans:

Dear PS,

What are you worried about? That by spending time away from you or not involving you when he is in a social setting, he might forget you or move away from you?

After 10 years, why do you feel the need to cling on to him in insecurity and anxiety?

Time to give yourself some love and attention?

Become your best friend and pamper yourself with a lot of care instead of constantly expecting it from your relationship?

The more you become safe and secure with yourself, the less you will cling onto your partner.

Clinging on and ‘owning’ another person will only make them move away from you as no one likes to be controlled and dictated to.

Instead, why don’t you ask him about his day and who he met up with and genuinely try and integrate into his life?

In this way, he will want to engage more with you and invite you when he is with his friends and family?

When you watch him interact with others, instead of feeling insecure and jealous, can you think of appreciating what he has brought into your life and why the two of you have been together for 10 years?

Also, involve him into your life and life’s journey.

Playing the victim involves a lot of drama, but playing a liberated person involves no effort.

So love yourself and love your partner for who he is.

The change in your relationship and your state of mind will be almost magical.

Enjoy the moment and be happy!

..Read more

Anu

Anu Krishna  | Answer  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Oct 04, 2022

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Relationship
Hey Anu ji I hope you are doing well.I am a 27-year-old woman, not married but engaged. I am a doctor by profession and we met through our parents. He is a pediatrician. I’m just MBBS. He is 33 and was damn good. Since the last few months there has been a sudden change in his behaviour and we have been fighting since then. We knew each other since a year and moved in together last October. I left my government job so that I could pursue my specialisation. I couldn't score a good rank due to which I couldn’t get admission. My parents are not rich enough for me to apply in a private college. He always abuses my parents saying they are not rich enough. He compares everything and has started talking to another specialist, a single woman. I am handling all house chores -- from laundry to cleaning, even emptying dustbin and making his cup of tea. He doesn't do anything except sleep, eat and work which is not so hectic because he is at a senior position.Is it right that we are having sex 2-3 times per day from so many months? Whenever I want to talk about something he asks for sex. If I say 'I need your attention and love' he gets grumpy and says 'you are always complaining.'Since this is my first relationship, I am comprising a lot. He didn't even remember our first anniversary or the day we met. In fact he stops talking to me since a month. He doesn’t pick up my calls or sees my messages. I have to call a third person to convey my message to at least pick up a call.Please help. I’m too stressed and even thought of committing suicide because I love him. But he doesn't love me from the last 3-4 months. I never get answers to my questions. He is like ‘I don't want to talk.’ He has become so egoistic and is behaving like a male chauvinist. I have to prepare for my exam too. Because of all this stress I have started having panic attacks and anxiety. I love him a lot but I can't stay in this relationship more. I can't bear the brunt. Only one-sided efforts are there from my side. He stopped making any efforts to reconcile or talk. I am an old school person. I lost my virginity to him but now I regret. Who will marry me knowing that I’m not a virgin anymore? Plzz help me
Ans:

Dear NK,

When a partner does not validate your feelings and uses sex as a means to deflect from the problem, it’s a red flag, right?

So, what exactly do you get by being with him? Love cannot be a means to sell your very existence no matter who that is.

Call out such behaviour. Compromises do not form part of any relationship, contrary to what’s told to us.

Mutual understanding and gentle acceptance and most importantly loving compassion is what any relationship is all about.

When those efforts of yours are not being met with love and instead it has been ignored, what else are you going to do?

Not being able to respect a partner’s family and instead insulting them to feel better or prove a point, how do you think it is going to be in the future?

Do you see these red flags or are you simply choosing to close your eyes and pretend that everything is fine?

Do the right thing, for yourself and your being and welfare. Be strong like the way that you always have been.

My best wishes to you!

..Read more

Ravi

Ravi Mittal  |314 Answers  |Ask -

Dating, Relationships Expert - Answered on Jun 28, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Jun 28, 2024Hindi
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Relationship
I am dealing with brkup its been 2 months its mutual because he is bhramin his parents will not allow intercaste and for me its not possible to settle in place where he lives . its almost 3-4 year of relationship from my age of 18 he was there with my i lost my father during corona he took care of me , he stayed by my side he is not upto the mark but still he is always there for me after that i leave that state where both we stayed and we did long distance for 2 years but now as he come to know his parents are way more strict he dont want to hurts his parents and even my reason that i have to compromise lot carrrer difference and all. As i lost my father at age of 18 i cry lot every one day gap during my relationship also i was so anxious , and some times due to family problems i always used to be disturbed and dont want to live sometimeslike sucidal thoughts and all but at the time of relationship i share all this to him and i feel okay and got back to my study as he motivates me little . but now after brkup i dont have any real friends , i cant talk to any one neither any person messeges me my depression is becoming more big now we are in no contact for some days but again we talk and again we are in no contact he feels like he is in guilt becos he hurted me and made me miserable also he dont think about any other relation ship whatever his parents will bring he will do but for me not that case becos we dont have nay guardian i have to in my own actually we are not that big for marriage but we thought of future more and brkup becos of i have to find some one right we are 21 also my campus placements are coming his neet pg is coming but my heart cries every day i feel choked , i cried , choked and hurt my head it happens often but i still think we can not talk becos how can we move on from some body we talk but my depression at peak level i msg him with bigtext with all that goin on my life. should we talk ? as their is no rush to find other person we have to first focus on career how can we set boundaries? though if i talk i mak eme feel someone i can talk and make me releif at the sam etime it hurts if i dont talk also its hurts more as i ahve no one to talk with . he insisted me that we can be friends i can see u like this he wants me to be happy he feel he did the sin to me. Pls tell what will be good for me how can i be little releif what should i should i talk treat or my depression how ?
Ans: Dear Anonymous,

I am very sorry for your loss. Losing a parent is tough. I am also glad you found someone to share your pain with at that moment. Coming to your dilemma- whether you should be in touch with him- I understand that it is a great relief to talk to him, but that is momentary, isn't it? You cannot continue doing this if you two are broken up. Even though he is not planning to get married right away, the problem is that he will someday. Plus, more often than not, one person moves on faster than the other, and in your case, if it's him, it will hurt more. The right thing to do is sit and have a clear conversation. Discuss the possibility of getting back together. Ask what is in his mind and express what's in yours. But going in this circle will only hurt you more; maybe not today, but someday it will.

Now, coming to your depression, I would suggest sharing your pain with close friends but you mentioned you have none. That is not uncommon. Not all of us are blessed with it. In that case, I recommend seeing a professional therapist. There is absolutely no shame in it. Rather it will help you in sorting your feelings. Finally, you can take care of them without relying on your ex. I am sure you are doing a wonderful job in managing your depression but a professional counselor can help you come out of this in a more structured way. Please consider it. If you are not comfortable seeing someone in person, there are several counselors available online. Just try it once and see how that makes you feel.

Remember we all need help occasionally. You are amazing and you do not have to hold everything together alone.

Best Wishes.

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Anu

Anu Krishna  | Answer  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jul 04, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Jul 03, 2024Hindi
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Relationship
Dear Anu, I am in relationship for 6 months and now we are in long distance relationship, I have struggled a lot in family love issues, so I always craved for love, but my boyfriend is a bit distant, although he tries his best, but I just can't get over, I feel like i deserve to be loved more and deserve good care and attention, there are always the things which he hurts me almost everyday now, I feel like shutting down my emotions again, I feel very low after his actions, although he has his reasons which are correct too, but little bit wrong too, he does not think deeply about me, because he is immature himself, we are just 19, I don't know and unable to understand what should I do, should I shut myself down and try to study and not talk to him by giving him excuses that I am busy, I really am losing more and more trust from him, and slowly my will to share things is getting lost, although I scream from inside that I want to share but after his actions hurt me, I feel puzzled from inside, he is good, but I don't think he is much into these love and stuffs, he is just chill with his life, as he shows off, so much that I misunderstand him a lot, how can we understand each other better, we just keep hurting each other, because of our different thoughts and perspective, I love him so much, I want to be with him, but his actions make me further distant from him, and he also says he has his own privacy, I don't understand, if relationship is built on trust then what kind of privacy, I don't mean , I don't understand him, i respect his opinion, but because of his perspective, he hurts me too, and doesn't respect my perspective, I feel like relying on him emotionally and always have been, but he thinks I speak too much and he doesn't value it much, and doesn't understand how much hard it is for me to share....I really feel very much overwhelmed and it's not getting any better, every night I feel pain and keeps on crying, it's not stoping, it's becoming a loop, please guide me, what should I do.
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
All I can see and hear from you is: that you are dependent on him for you happiness!
Okay, 'I have struggled a lot in family love issues' (as you mentioned) BUT looking for that to be filled from someone externally is only going to disappoint you.
How can you replace family and sibling love and attention from outside?
Also, being 19, both of you are still not mature to put things in perspective. Do understand that every time you complain to your boyfriend and call that a 'perspective', you are just pushing him away...he's just being a boy of 19 trying to have a carefree life and a girlfriend with who he can share and of course, feel 'cool' in his guy gang.
Why are you expecting him to fill in for the missing love? He cannot as whatever he does, he will always fall short as in your mind you will compare with what you ideally would want and he will fall short. Then, the drama will begin where you will complain, he will defend and he will slowly call that his carefree ways and he will say: I am like this only!
And then you will feel hurt and the drama will continue.

First things first; you cannot fulfill what love you lack from outside. Learn to love yourself first. the concept of self-love is rage these days BUT it has always been around in simpler ways from the very beginning. Love what you do everyday, surround yourself with friends that you feel good with, focus on your academic goals...
Loving oneself is the way to go; it might seem a bit difficult at you age to fathom as everything external excites you...So, focus on your self and put less attention in what your boyfriend does or doesn't. Slowly, you will appreciate the things that he does for you...And you will start to feel better from within!
Your self-worth is something only you can grow from within and this cannot be dependent on anything or anyone external. Grow your strength from within!

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

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Milind

Milind Vadjikar  |171 Answers  |Ask -

Insurance, Stocks, MF, PF Expert - Answered on Sep 20, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Sep 20, 2024Hindi
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Money
Hi, I'm 37 and I just started to invest in MFs regularly. My investments are listed below. Except a couple of them, all of them are either 1 month to a few days old. As mentioned below, started SIP of 40000 between Motilal Oswal Nifty Midcap 150 and Nippon india small cap. I would like to invest 40000 more in SIPs making my total investment as 1CR over the next 10 years, in the hopes of creating a portfolio of 2 CR with a 12% return on year. I understand that there are 11 MFs here but appreciate your suggestions on trimming this down while meeting the above mentioned financial goal. Thanks. 1. Motilal Oswal Nifty 500 Momentum 50 Index Dir-G: One Time: Investment: 50000: Current Value 50000: 2. Nippon India Nifty 500 Momentum 50 Index Dir-G: One Time: Investment: 50000: Current Value: 50000: 3. Mirae Asset ELSS Tax Saver Dir-G: One Time: Investment: 50000: Current Value:70277: 4. Mirae Asset ELSS Tax Saver Reg-G: One Time: Investment: 24998: Current Value:38598: 5. Parag Parikh Flexi Cap Dir-G: One Time: Investment: 50000: Current Value: 52727: 6. Axis ELSS Tax Saver Dir-G: One Time: Investment:30000: Current Value: 63863: 7. Nippon India Large Cap Dir-G: One Time: Investment: 49999.99: Current Value: 52358: 8. Motilal Oswal Midcap Dir-G: One Time: Investment: 50000: Current Value: 54061: 9. Quant Small Cap Dir-G: One Time: Investment: 100000: Current Value: 103437: 10. Motilal Oswal Nifty Midcap 150 Dir-G: SIP: Investment:19999.98 Current Value: 20319: 11. Nippon India Small Cap Dir-G: SIP: Investment: 20000: Current Value 20040:
Ans: 1. Nifty 500 Momentum 50 Index is a recently introduced index and hence also your funds based on this index. The back tested results look attractive however I recommend you to monitor them closely for 2-3 years and if you feel not sure about their progress you may exit and redeploy proceeds into PPFAS flexicap fund and Nippon large cap fund.

2. The additional 40 K sip proposed maybe split between either ELSS(for tax saving too) or PPFAS flexicap and Nippon India large cap fund.

3. You may merge your ELSS investments into one fund, my advice would be Mirae Asset ELSS.

4. This will help rationalize number of funds in your portfolio from 10(+2) to 7.

5. Discipline, focus and periodic review in MF investment are a must!

6. As you reach closer to your target transfer the gains from equity funds to liquid/debt funds to protect it from volatility.

I am quite hopeful that you may very well achieve the intended target with the right approach.

*Investments in mutual funds are subject to market risks. Please read all scheme related documents carefully before investing.

You may follow us on X at @mars_invest for updates.

Happy Investing!!

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Ravi

Ravi Mittal  |314 Answers  |Ask -

Dating, Relationships Expert - Answered on Sep 20, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Aug 07, 2024Hindi
Relationship
I met a women through a matrimonial site. I live abroad and she lives in India. I am 42 and she is 40 years old. We spoke for about 6 months. Then I came to India. Spent some time together and even met the parents. We both like each other. And have the blessings of the parents. But the problem is distance. I am very close to attaining citizenship. But still see that the process and getting an OCI could take at least 2 years. She has a good job with the central government in India. She has decent career prospects, in the country where I live. Initially, she was not interested in marrying anyone living abroad. I raised this with her when we spoke. She had come to where I live for a short diploma course, and was okay in talking with me. When I met her parents, they were also okay with her moving abroad. So far things have been good, but now we are trying to fix the dates for marriage, and trying to solve the long distance issue. I suggested that she could take a sabbatical and spend some time, or if possible pursue higher education. so she need not leave her job in India. Given her current background she also has good career prospects already. However she panics now every time I try to breach this topic. She is scared even to research n life abroad, and now she feels it is better we break up. She admits that , she is a chronic overthinker, I have been very careful in dealing with difficult topics. She has had a relatively easy life, whereas I am used to dealing with challenges personal and professional setbacks. It is really difficult to connect with someone, irrespective of age. I have worked for 18 years in India, and not keen to go through the toxic culture and harsh corporate life. She has a transferable job in India, so even in India we might struggle to be together. I am okay with retiring, from a corpoarte jb and seeking another career which would keep me financially independant and help me lead a meanigful existene. I am exploring ways, but thiis is going to take time. We both considered all the scenarios, and agreed that if she finds a good job abroad, would be relatiely the easier path. But now she is not even ready to consider this and becomes very anxious. . I feel I am more, happy healthy living abroad than in India. I was diabetic in India, and am now off medicines , after moving abroad. It has been easier for me to lead a happy and healthy life abroad, even though I live alone. I am wondering how to approach this. I do not want to hurt anyone. I can understand why she is anxious. I have told her that she does not have to leave her job, she only has to research if she has good prospects. I even offered to get her in touch with folks who have made such transition. I gave her contact details of consultants who can advic her on her career prospects. Visa etc is not an issue. Please advise if I can salvage this relationship or better to accept defeat. I really like her and do not want to hurt her.
Ans: Dear Anonymous,

I understand your concerns. It is a tough choice- both for you and her. On one hand, we can't completely deny her concerns either. She has a good job here and the fear is only fair. But, given her chronic overthinking, she must have already created a worse scenario in her head. It sounds like you both are in a difficult spot where you care for each other deeply but life-changing decisions are creating anxiety. No matter how much you tell her, it isn't going to help. She has to come to terms with it herself. but there are some things you can do to speed up the process-

Acknowledge the fear- Don't make her feel like she is wrong to think this way, or that she is merely overthinking. There is some logic to her fears. Acknowledge that. It does not mean you are encouraging them. Just let her know that any big life decisions are bound to cause some panic in a person and her feelings are completely valid.

Encourage her to take small steps- Instead of asking her to talk to people who have made the shift, try casually including stories of such people in a normal daily conversation once in a while. It would not feel like a commitment but also give her an idea.

Frame the discussion in a better way- For instance, instead of focusing on the move, discuss the life you will be building together. This will give her a scope to see what she can gain if only she can get over her fears.

Do not rush- Big life decisions can't be taken in a hurry. So, give her that space and time. In the meantime, you can continue with life as it was. Let her know that there isn't a timeframe within which she has to decide. This isn't an ultimatum. Sometimes a few kind words can make all the difference.

It's still not time to give up. Is she worth trying a little more? If yes, try. Create a space that is free of judgment where she can openly share her worries, no matter how trivial they might be. It can seem that you are putting in all the effort, but for a chronic overthinker, even considering or trying to overcome a set fear is a big task. Give her a little more time. I am sure things will work out soon.

Best Wishes.

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Ravi

Ravi Mittal  |314 Answers  |Ask -

Dating, Relationships Expert - Answered on Sep 20, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Aug 27, 2024Hindi
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Relationship
So, i've started talking to this girl who was a classmate during my college. We've never talked all this time... But we started talking only after 7 years... She was currently working near my home town.. and i am working in a neighbouring state. It is 3 or 4months now.. we are talking and we liked each other...like.. we were in the same situations in life... Like.. we both lost our mothers.. and we are from the same community.. but the deadlock came here in the guise of religion. She belongs to one and i belong to another... Even though we both from same caste... We had a discussion before like.. even though we like each other... she cant move forward in relation because of religion. We had am understanding for sometime... But recently we had a discussion over the same topic and we had a fight... Now the girl and i are not fully talking to each other... Cause she was frightened on what could happen to us if we move forward in a relationship and it fails... Because we are not a stage to try and test things because we both are 29 and you know how it will be in family for a girl... So pleaseee give me advice how to save this relationship... Because i dont want to miss this girl at all. Please...
Ans: Dear Anonymous,

I understand that you are in a tough spot, but if she has truly made up her mind not to proceed with the relationship, especially based on something as sensitive as religion, I cannot advise you to pursue her or try to convince her further. The only thing you can do is have one last open discussion where you express your feelings and the things you are willing to do to make this relationship work out. And for one last time, you can ask her, and only ask, if she would be willing to give it another try. If the answer is still a no, I am sorry, but it would not be wise to continue pushing this. If religion is important to her or an integral part of her family values, it would be selfish to ask her to set that aside for you.

I hope things work out for you.


Best Wishes.

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Ravi

Ravi Mittal  |314 Answers  |Ask -

Dating, Relationships Expert - Answered on Sep 20, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Sep 16, 2024Hindi
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Relationship
Hi sir, I’m planning to start a new life with my girlfriend for rest of my life leaving our both families aside. Reason to do that is, I’m recently married with other girl, and my gf married to other guy. We both didn’t even completed 6 months. We are not happy with our life partners. The reason we Got married to other is lack of courage to fight elders by my girlfriend but now she is ready to do fight or even leave them aside for me and start a new complete life.I’m a simple corporate working guy. We are completely decided to live together whatever happens. Our parents wont accept us as they are thinking about our married partners. Whats the best advice you would give to us to start new life in other state?
Ans: Dear Anonymous,

This is a huge decision. First, I would advise both of you to think this through. I am not discouraging you because a broken marriage is far better than a forced one. But if you have even the slightest tinge of doubt, don't rush it. A lot of people are involved in this.

Here are my two cents-

Respect your current marriage- Even if you decide to leave your spouses, you have to handle this situation responsibly and with respect. You are in love with each other, but your current partners are going to suffer for it, through no fault of their own. The least you can do is part ways with kindness and integrity.

Legalities- Divorces can be a long and complicated process. It takes a financial and mental toll on people. Be prepared for that, especially since you do not have the support of your family.

Mental health- Here I am not only talking about your mental health, you need to consider your current spouse's mental health too. And though leaving behind your family seems to be the only option, it is still a big decision. Make sure both you and your girlfriend are in the right frame of mind when you finalize the decision.

As for building a new life in a new city, as exciting as it is, it will be equally challenging. Plan everything to the last detail- finances, living arrangements, job, etc. Before you make the move, make sure both of you are financially independent and self-sufficient. That's the only way to tackle any hurdles.

My best advice is to make this decision very carefully and approach the situation with empathy for all parties involved. I urge you to be honest with your current partner, instead of ever resorting to gaslighting. This is on you, but it would be easy to pin this on your spouse. Don't take the easy route. Take the right one.

I hope things work out for you with no one getting irreparably hurt.

Best wishes.

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DISCLAIMER: The content of this post by the expert is the personal view of the rediffGURU. Investment in securities market are subject to market risks. Read all the related document carefully before investing. The securities quoted are for illustration only and are not recommendatory. Users are advised to pursue the information provided by the rediffGURU only as a source of information and as a point of reference and to rely on their own judgement when making a decision. RediffGURUS is an intermediary as per India's Information Technology Act.

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