I'm 48 and my spouse is 44, both aare employed in Financial services. We have 2 kids . Last month my mom who is 70 years old shifted to her home. She was fed up of the constant bickering with my wife. I Told my wife that sometimes it makes sense to not respond to petty things. But she wants to always prove herself right. She has poisoned my kids minds by telling her all sorts of things about my family. Going back home from work feels like torture. I dread. A lot of water has flowed since these many years. Her mom has been a source of ideas for my wife. My mother-in-law is sort of a social butterfly and is known in her area and even in the family for loose talks. Now I have developed an aversion for my wife. I Have no intimacy with her as she has called me lustful a few times and many other abuses. She also broke a finger. . I can hit back but then it would be deadly but I don't. After such insults it isn't possible to get close to her. But I can't remain celibate all my life. I have needs too.. Would it be wrong if I look out? Ps. I have tried all sorts of reasoning but in vain. I was thinking of being on dating sites. I don't know what is right or wrong. But this kind of living frustrates me.

Hi

It is unfortunate that you are in this situation.

Your wife is possibly not very inclined to be in a joint family set-up; the reasons maybe many. But isn’t it necessary for you as a husband and a father to look out for your family?

The misunderstandings caused between the two of you over the years because of being in a joint family set-up have never been addressed and much water has flowed under the bridge.

There is a slim chance that matters might get resolved if you get your mother and wife in the same room and iron it out, with you being a neutral person who does not take sides; this is the best option.

If this isn’t possible, kindly visit a family counsellor who can step in and show your family a way to live amicably or give you a perspective on how healthy it might be to live separately.

At the end of the day, you have responsibilities towards your wife and child too!

All the best and a Happy 2022.

Dear SS,

A story in many patriarchal households!

What can you do to change her and your husband’s attitude on this? Nothing at all.

It’s like a stubborn gene that wants to hold on to age-old beliefs where the mother-in-law rules the home and calls the shots, the son blindly supports his mother’s tantrums.

What can you do when your children also are growing up in this environment?

Here’s where you can put your foot down.

Your children have to learn to respect their mother for who she is. So, stop playing the victim in your situation and take charge.

I am sure the children are at an age where their minds are impressionable and can be beautifully shaped to accept different people in the household.

Instead of spending time cursing your situation, spend the same time being with your children, bonding with them.

Talk and spend a lot of time going out, watching TV, cooking, reading, listening to music and more.

What will start to happen is that the children will learn to hold space for you when you are down and out. And do take care that while you are bonding with them, never talk ill about their father or their grandmother.

This activity isn’t to distance one from the other but to give you a new way of thinking in the existing circumstances.

Having said this, if your husband is someday ready to talk to you about this, by all means be assertive.

Till then, it’s not necessary to suffer. Either you can fight and get fingers pointed back at you or you can negotiate a situation wisely to maintain the peace at home. You always have that choice.

Whatever you choose, never sit in silence and do nothing. That’s what your children will learn; to suffer in silence. So, time to make some subtle and meaningful changes?

Best wishes!