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Anu Krishna  |1046 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jun 15, 2024

Anu Krishna is a mind coach and relationship expert.
The co-founder of Unfear Changemakers LLP, she has received her neuro linguistic programming training from National Federation of NeuroLinguistic Programming, USA, and her energy work specialisation from the Institute for Inner Studies, Manila.
She is an executive member of the Indian Association of Adolescent Health.... more
Asked by Anonymous - Jun 08, 2024Hindi
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Relationship

I'm 48 and my spouse is 44, both aare employed in Financial services. We have 2 kids . Last month my mom who is 70 years old shifted to her home. She was fed up of the constant bickering with my wife. I Told my wife that sometimes it makes sense to not respond to petty things. But she wants to always prove herself right. She has poisoned my kids minds by telling her all sorts of things about my family. Going back home from work feels like torture. I dread. A lot of water has flowed since these many years. Her mom has been a source of ideas for my wife. My mother-in-law is sort of a social butterfly and is known in her area and even in the family for loose talks. Now I have developed an aversion for my wife. I Have no intimacy with her as she has called me lustful a few times and many other abuses. She also broke a finger. . I can hit back but then it would be deadly but I don't. After such insults it isn't possible to get close to her. But I can't remain celibate all my life. I have needs too.. Would it be wrong if I look out? Ps. I have tried all sorts of reasoning but in vain. I was thinking of being on dating sites. I don't know what is right or wrong. But this kind of living frustrates me.

Ans: Dear Anonymous,
There's nothing right or wrong BUT doing things on an impulse will possibly backfire on your moral value system; are you someone who will be able to have a relationship outside of marriage? Every person has their own moral compass to work with and around!
Why don't you start by actually devising a strategy to work on your marriage...yes, it's gone downhill BUT nothing lasts forever, right? There are children involved and the wise thing would be to attempt to set your marriage on the right track...yes, much water under the bridge, but there's hope always.
Consult with a marriage therapist/coach who will be able to guide the two of you to be strongly committed towards one another and keep interference from the outside at bay. Once the emotional ground is set, physical intimacy will sway along...be patient!
At least, give it a shot, yeah?

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

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Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jan 04, 2022

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I have been married for a little more than five years and I am living under tremendous stress and depression. We live in a joint family with my parents and an unmarried brother. I had told her all this before marriage. She loves me very much but her attitude towards my relatives has been a matter of concern right from the start. She does not want to keep a relationship with anybody apart from my immediate family. Slowly, she started having problems with my mother also; both have started having minor clashes at home. Many times, it is my mother’s mistake. The main problem is that she is very nagging and complains and gets irritated very frequently at the smallest instance. Frustrated, I planned on separating with her but the news came of her pregnancy and we were blessed with a baby girl. After the baby was born, my wife’s frustration and irritation has increased manifold because of her fear that my mother will give much more love to the baby then she can. So their clashes have increased. Now my wife has been putting a lot of pressure on me to look for a new house away from my parents, since she wants her own space. I already have a home loan on the existing home and a car loan. There is very less scope for me to purchase a new home and I don't want to leave my parents. She just doesn't understand my position and clashes happen between us. Looking at all this, I desperately want to separate from her but can't do so because of our daughter. I love her the most and can't live without her. So I just endure what is happening every day. This has resulted in me slipping into depression. It has affected my work in office as well. I am not performing well, I don't like to speak with any of my friends or relatives, I don't feel like doing anything. I’m living for the sake of my daughter, that's it. Even my parents are not in a position to understand me and my situation so I can't talk to them either. Can you help? Just don’t publish my name.
Ans:

Hi

It is unfortunate that you are in this situation.

Your wife is possibly not very inclined to be in a joint family set-up; the reasons maybe many. But isn’t it necessary for you as a husband and a father to look out for your family?

The misunderstandings caused between the two of you over the years because of being in a joint family set-up have never been addressed and much water has flowed under the bridge.

There is a slim chance that matters might get resolved if you get your mother and wife in the same room and iron it out, with you being a neutral person who does not take sides; this is the best option.

If this isn’t possible, kindly visit a family counsellor who can step in and show your family a way to live amicably or give you a perspective on how healthy it might be to live separately.

At the end of the day, you have responsibilities towards your wife and child too!

All the best and a Happy 2022.

..Read more

Anu

Anu Krishna  |1046 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Oct 14, 2022

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Relationship
I am 53 and my wife is 45. I never felt happy with my marriage.She suffers from OCD but is very intelligent. She has never done any cooking in these 23 years of our marriage. I cook and do household chores in case domestic help does not turn up. She brings me to suicidal tendency blaming my mother, my brother etc...She has never allowed my mother to stay with me, and also makes me lose interest in her. But her father is a very good man. I love him and feel like having sex with him though I am also a male. How much ever I ask her to come back to normalcy she does not. I am confused. My only son is 23 years old. I do not want him to think that he is disturbed. She does not understand others' state of mind. Please help me.
Ans:

Dear S,

Your situation is a bit complicated as I don’t have enough information to build on.

  • How do you know that she suffers from OCD? Has an expert diagnosed this?
  • Is the trouble in your marriage because of your confused sexual orientation?
  • Have you felt attracted to your wife at some point as well?

To me, it seems like both of you need to visit an expert who will not just help you deal with your marriage but also guide you to work on your sexual orientation which could also have led to matters going sour between you and your wife.

Like I said, things don’t add up much to me and I have tried to point you in a direction that might help you move into a solution space.

For more clarity, I do suggest getting in touch with an expert who can guide you ably and help get your life back on track.

All the best!

..Read more

Anu

Anu Krishna  |1046 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Nov 16, 2022

Relationship
Hope you are doing well.I am kinda mentally disturbed and badly need your suggestion. I have been in love and married for 13 yrs. I have a son and a daughter. I'm a working woman.I'm being constantly ill-treated by my mother-in-law. I know such issues exist in every household. But here, it has been a never-ending issue for 13 years now. She is very insecure, when it comes to household chores, my kids and my husband and feels all these areas should be in her control.She feels she is to be given utmost attention and only her thoughts and feelings to be respected and are always right. She insults me, mocks me, and doesn't treat me like a part of the family, though I’m selfless and continue to care for my in-laws and other family members. She keeps hurting me with her words, gestures and behaviour.To her, I'm like a constant pester and she doesn't feel satisfied with any chores or work at home or family. I'm a big mess. She often states 'I’m her` target` and will continue to hurt me verbally and with gestures.My husband doesn't raise questions on his mom's insane behaviour, as she threatens to harm herself.This is a routine she carries out, whenever she wants to. I have zero support from my husband to change his mom and or understand my feelings. Neither should I voice out my views or feelings. I have to look out for her moods and actions and act accordingly, any time.I have no self-respect, no dignity here. It doesn't feel like this is my house or my family, except for my kids. My kids are growing up and I feel I will lose respect amongst them, when she constantly taunts me and insults me for no reason.I have no parents or siblings to share my feelings. I open up with my close friends for a temporary vent out, otherwise, it really doesn't serve any purpose.I feel like I have to live eternally with this mental abuse, as I'm unable to put up with her behaviour and harassment. Acting as if I'm fine every day is killing me.This type of behaviour makes me feel very low and my self-esteem is affected. I feel worthless and my whole life feels like a sheer curse.Please help me get out of this situation and make my mother-in-law mend her behaviour towards me.Awaiting your response.
Ans:

Dear SS,

A story in many patriarchal households!

What can you do to change her and your husband’s attitude on this? Nothing at all.

It’s like a stubborn gene that wants to hold on to age-old beliefs where the mother-in-law rules the home and calls the shots, the son blindly supports his mother’s tantrums.

What can you do when your children also are growing up in this environment?

Here’s where you can put your foot down.

Your children have to learn to respect their mother for who she is. So, stop playing the victim in your situation and take charge.

I am sure the children are at an age where their minds are impressionable and can be beautifully shaped to accept different people in the household.

Instead of spending time cursing your situation, spend the same time being with your children, bonding with them.

Talk and spend a lot of time going out, watching TV, cooking, reading, listening to music and more.

What will start to happen is that the children will learn to hold space for you when you are down and out. And do take care that while you are bonding with them, never talk ill about their father or their grandmother.

This activity isn’t to distance one from the other but to give you a new way of thinking in the existing circumstances.

Having said this, if your husband is someday ready to talk to you about this, by all means be assertive.

Till then, it’s not necessary to suffer. Either you can fight and get fingers pointed back at you or you can negotiate a situation wisely to maintain the peace at home. You always have that choice.

Whatever you choose, never sit in silence and do nothing. That’s what your children will learn; to suffer in silence. So, time to make some subtle and meaningful changes?

Best wishes!

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Anu

Anu Krishna  |1046 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Feb 22, 2023

Asked by Anonymous - Jan 30, 2023Hindi
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Relationship
Hi.I am a 35 year old married guy.Due to my Dad's health,me and my wife live with my parents.We have a 2 year old kid.The problem is my mom gets too involved with our lives,wants us to do everything that she wants and if we do not do them she gets angry and starts the usual emotional blackmail stuff .I have very politely asked her not to interfere but she still does not change. It has become extremely difficult staying with her. This has also started causing friction in my relationship with my wife. Me and my wife have our own place which is like 10 mins from my parents house. I have always thought it is better that we move back to our place but my mom is expecting that we stay with her until my dad recovers(which might take a long time). This is all causing me a lot of stress. What do i do?
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
If your own home is just 10 mins, why not actually shift out and manage things from there.
Every growing family like yours need space in terms of mind and physical space. And you do have the option of being close to your parents and caring for them as well, then why not?
Yes, your mother will emotionally blackmail and hold you to ransom, but never ever yield to it as that becomes a template for life whenever she wants something from you. So, take a wise decision, and consider that your wife needs your love, care and support for her to be able to stand by you.
Most often relationships grow and flourish maintaining a distance; being on the face all through the day and being available 24/7 does not mean that you are fulfilling your duties as a son. You can still do what you need to by engaging a nurse (if needed) and explain to your mother that you are going to be around, but just that you need to do that from your own home.
Initially, it will be met with resistance, but do the right thing. You will be successful at not only caring for your father but also forge healthier relationships between your family and your parents. Long-term thinking is necessary as well...
All the best!

..Read more

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Asked by Anonymous - Jul 18, 2024Hindi
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What is better to choose between vet or bpharm (I am a gen category student).According to my research I came to know that in today's market the bpharm graduates are not even considered as reputated pharmacists,after the degree too they get placements of 12k-15k per month only and growth even after a master's is not much. Whereas in vet gov vacancies are open but will everyone get the gov jobs ? Also in coming years what are the demands of these both fields and what is better to choose
Ans: Hi,
It seems there may be some misunderstanding and disappointment regarding the analysis of job opportunities in the pharmaceutical field. It's important to note that the pharmaceutical sector still holds promising prospects. However, it is essential for candidates to acquire in-depth knowledge. Completing a B.Pharm alone does not guarantee comprehensive expertise. It's essential to delve beyond the basic surface-level knowledge obtained during undergraduate studies. I'm unaware of your state of residence and the college where you pursued your B.Pharm.

Key locations with a strong pharmaceutical industry presence include Mumbai, Bengaluru, Hyderabad, and Ahmedabad. Chennai also has a few reputable pharmaceutical companies, albeit in limited numbers. It's crucial to consider your career choice rather than just a job. What is your preference: IT, Marketing/Sales, or Core Pharma? In IT, the remuneration is considerably higher in comparison to core pharmaceutical roles, but sustainability may be a concern. On the other hand, Sales/Marketing requires hard work but offers significantly better remuneration, e.g., INR 6-8L per annum. If the pharmaceutical industry is your preference, starting packages for fresh B. Pharm graduates typically range between INR 15,000 to 25,000.

Ultimately, the decision is yours to make. I wish you the best for your future endeavors.

...Read more

DISCLAIMER: The content of this post by the expert is the personal view of the rediffGURU. Investment in securities market are subject to market risks. Read all the related document carefully before investing. The securities quoted are for illustration only and are not recommendatory. Users are advised to pursue the information provided by the rediffGURU only as a source of information and as a point of reference and to rely on their own judgement when making a decision. RediffGURUS is an intermediary as per India's Information Technology Act.

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