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Anu

Anu Krishna  |1604 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jun 06, 2024

Anu Krishna is a mind coach and relationship expert.
The co-founder of Unfear Changemakers LLP, she has received her neuro linguistic programming training from National Federation of NeuroLinguistic Programming, USA, and her energy work specialisation from the Institute for Inner Studies, Manila.
She is an executive member of the Indian Association of Adolescent Health.... more
Sunil Question by Sunil on Jun 06, 2024Hindi
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Relationship

Thanks for your suggestions, My reply for your suggestions are as follows: 1. Spend time with her on emotional level: I would like to inform you that except my office hours, I am only with her. At home or outside, she is always with me (she has separate vehicle, but waits for me to come from office to do daily home chores, like bringing veggies, grocery etc. As per her these are my duties). She likes to go for Movies, Natak, Shopping, I takes her for those things as per my pocket capabilities, even I never stopped her from meeting her friends or meeting her parents. She likes my company when I do things as per her demands, but she is so short tempered that even at my simple mistakes she fights vigorously. Earlier, she used to fight with my mother also (who is a cancer patient and not in a good health-my father expired 10 years back). That's why, I left my parental flat. Spending time with her is not a solution as when we spends time together as per her likes she behaves very good, but she comes to her original avatar in no time if her demands are not being met. 2. See an expert who specializes in marriage therapy/counselling: As I informed you, I am already burdened with my Home loan and other expenditures and can't afford to pay a therapist as they charge very high and moreover she will never be agree to come to a marriage therapist (this may even come as a new issue for her to fight and she can make allegations that I want to break marriage and I don't have trust on her etc.... etc.....). Only one thing coming in my mind is that to call her parents and take a meeting along with my mother and elder relatives and explain her behaviour to her parents and relatives, if that doesn't work, my close friend, who is a lawyer had already advised to give her a Notice-but that will be my final wayout. Kindly suggest what is better.

Ans: Dear Sunil,
You seem to have already given up.
I cannot tell you what to do or not but only make suggestions that can guide you. It is up to you to decide if you wish to take those suggestions and make an attempt OR go as per what you have decided.
If you are looking at me agreeing with your decisions that damage relationships, it is not on ethical terms here.
So, if you are willing to see a therapist who can fit your budget, I will still say, do that. Else involve a senior family member who can mediate between you and your wife.
If you have decided that all this will not work, then it won't...The choice is yours...

To break relationships, takes a second...to build it all over again can take a lifetime....

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

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Anu

Anu Krishna  |1604 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jul 07, 2021

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Hi Anu, my wife is very short tempered and impatient. She regularly shouts at me, when one of the utensils is not washed properly or when I buy breakfast she doesn't like or on rare occasions when I forget to take garbage out. Sometimes she just goes off shouting and I don’t even know the reason. Communication is key here, but the thing here is she again starts shouting, simply refusing to listen to reason or logic. There is no patient talk possible. And I have come to realize that she does this, because she simply can. No other reason. Thankfully, she is all jovial and smiling while interacting with my friends or their wives. Friends thus, have a hard time believing that my wife can be short tempered. Sex life is non-existent because she is always angry about something. On the rare occasion, she simply lies around while I have the sex. She simply has no interest in sex. All I want is a non-angry household. She will also not join me to go to a counselor. I can't afford a divorce because courts rule in favour of the wife and she will get daughter's custody. Not to mention I cannot afford any alimony. All I want is a non-angry, happy household.
Ans: Dear VZ Is your wife always angry? By asking for a non-angry household, do you mean that there isn’t a single moment of peace at home?

It sounds unlikely but I understand that when you choose to see more of what you don’t like, that starts to become bigger.

Also, is it possible for you not to label your wife as short-tempered? Because this is what you will convey to her when in the moment of irritation.

It’s just that’s she is going through a situation which perhaps has gone on for a while now.

Now getting back to the environment at home, has you wife always displayed this kind of behaviour at home or has this been a recent occurrence or has something triggered it?

Sometimes, a massive change within the body due to age can cause it or simply put even excess house work due to the pandemic situation can result in a change in temper.

Can you make an effort to communicate with her and talk to her rather than expect her to change?

Communicate in love and care and support.

State what you feel bothered by and how this is impacting your daughter.

Appeal to her in love and once she realises that you are on her side, she might have a change in perspective and at least be willing to listen to you.

Also, when she has an outburst, do make sure that you don’t react as much as you want to.

Go silent (practice it) and let her release her emotions. Sooner than later when she sees no reactions from you, she might calm down as well.

I realise it might be hard to deal with this at this very moment, but as you are reading this, I would also urge you to focus on the moments of peace with your daughter.

Surely when she smiles at you, you do feel great, right?

Households are not angry and non-angry; people choose to feel angry or happy.

Why not start to focus on why you and your wife married and how a beautiful daughter came through both of you and that your wife must be going through something right now and that you can be a huge support for her?

Create a beautiful life!

..Read more

Anu

Anu Krishna  |1604 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jun 06, 2024

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Hi Madam, I am married (arrange marriage) for 10 years with a son of 8 years, I am middle class person and giving Home loan EMI also, because of which no money is saved. My problem is that my wife always demands money and fights for it. She is all aware of my income and expenditures of every month (I have prepared a list and shares with her). I have no habits of alcohol or smoking, but she always fights with me that I spends money on my bad habits and on friends. She always say that you don't take me outside , don't spend on me and blah blah...(I do take her to movies and wherever she wants to go with me or with her friends). She is very short tempered that I avoids talking to her but she finds a chance for fight. For her demands, I left my parental flat and mother and lived with her in a rented house for 5 years and now purchased an independent home also. But, I am fed up of her demands and fights. She even fights when our son is around and even comes near my body as if she wants to hurt me....(although we never had a physical fight). I am very afraid. For your information, she also works as a teacher in a private nursery school (pays half of our home loan EMI) and she is from village background. My father expired long back and mother is living with my younger brother. I even don't meet my close friends frequently (once or twice in a month) because of her fear, as when I meet them she fights on this issue also. I want peace in my life. Kindly help.
Ans: Dear Sunil,
This needs a bit more of finding out what exactly is going on? What is the root cause of anger and the blame game with your wife?
Whatever I suggest will just be a BAND-AID solution and things will flare up yet again. There is deep-seated anger and insecurities rising (from what I understand from you.
The only thing I can say is; spend time with her on an emotional level and maybe this will ease her emotional highs and lows. But, I do feel it is time to have an intervention where as a Couple you are given to tools to work on your relationship.
Do see an expert who specializes in marriage therapy/counseling. They will be able to guide you in a very structured fashion as to how to re-start and re-build your marriage.

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

..Read more

Anu

Anu Krishna  |1604 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jul 01, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Jun 28, 2024Hindi
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Hello Anu, I am married for over 20 years. My wife has anger issues. Firstly, she gets annoyed with anything or everything. Secondly, she cannot control her anger. I had always taken a stand that I have to manage the marriage so what is the need of getting into confronting mode. Many a times, divorce crossed my mind but I could not gather the courage. Then tried to manage the situation by agreeing to everything and not sharing my opinions. I feel the home is like a prison. I feel uncomfortable when she is around me. I used to be a very social and jovial personality. Now people say I don't talk that much, the wittiness I had has vanished. I used to sing, record my own songs, take part in cultural events and activities. But now all gone. What ever I speak when we meet at family and friends get together, there is a complete postmortem of every sentence and intent. My elder son now says that I should keep my foot down. I am pushed to pass on all my salary to my wife's account and then have to ask her for any spends that I do. Over and above that every spend for her is un-necessary. I have multiple times tried to talk to her.. she says 'Whatever you say, I will not agree and you know that so don't waste your time in convincing me rather change yourself and do what I am saying'. It is becoming vicious and taking a toll on my energy. I feel like staying out of the house. But when around friends she behaves nicely.. Don't have answers. I want to take her to councellor so as we both can get advise. But she says, change yourself we will be happy. I am not going to change. I mean I am not asking her to change, but just be emphathatic. Am I asking for too much. I also agree that I may have flaws I am no perfect but no one is, why then am I looked upon to be a perfect person? V
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
It is a difficult situation to be around someone who has issues with anger and in this case it's your wife!
Anger is just a call or cry for help. Have you seen a child display anger and throw his/her toys around just to get their mother's attention?
Now, what is it that you wife lacks is something only you will know. She feels a certain lack in her life.
It could be lack of achievement, lack of self-worth, lack of a healthy self-esteem, lack of healthy nutrients in the body, lack of good quality sleep, lack of useful social environment.

I also believe what and who we surround ourselves with will define how our day goes and how our life will pan out. Now, because she fails to see the role of a counselor, you are forced to work at this on your own. So, start by trying to find out:
- what area of lack is she in?
- what triggers her anger episodes?
- how does she come out of these episodes?
- are the people/friends around her very different from her value systems?
- when was the last time she had a general check-up to see if all the health parameters are good?
- how actively has she pursued a career or a hobby?
- how many hours of sleep does she get?
- does she eat nutritious food that's meant for her age?

Since you are on your own with this, get deeper into this; I do agree your feelings are on the back-burner BUT till you sort this, it's going to haunt you. Sometimes the display of anger is much bigger that forces us to believe that the problem is a big one. It could just be a simple cause...Only when you try to identify it, will you know how and what it is.

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

..Read more

Anu

Anu Krishna  |1604 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Dec 11, 2024

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Relationship
Thank you very much for Answering my Question, dear Anu Ma'am... Quoting from your Answer... "the next time you face the same situation...what are you going to do differently that your wife does not act like a child? How are you going to bring it to a place where the two of you can discuss things rather than have her throw a childish tantrum like she is now?" This is exactly where I need Help... and that's why I am seeking suggestions from an experienced professional yourself... What do I do, when she starts Sulking again? I always try to break the Ice, within days (or even weeks, in some extreme cases) even if I believe that it wasn't my fault, in the first place... and this 'Ice-, breaking' needs me to spend a lot of Money, Time & Effort on her... If I don't take the initiative to break the Ice, she would go on giving me the silent treatment for days, weeks & maybe even months... She can live with herself, without even Caring about my Existence, in the same House. I'm getting frustrated that she's not fulfilling my Emotional & Sexual needs, which are the bare minimum, I'm expecting from her. I've tried to Break the Ice, using Love, Affection & other Emotional means... but she doesn't respond until I pamper her expensively. Her cold behaviour is draining both my Patience & Purse. How else can I get her to come around & patch up with me, whenever she does it again? Please suggest me any other methods to deal with her, effectively.
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
The questions are for you to dig deeper. Experts often will not tell you what to do as in solutions will not be offered by them but they will guide you to move in that direction.
So use these questions to figure out what you can do now that you haven't done before. There are no prescribed methods to correct things. We are humans and not robots. Every step in the direction of a solution is a successful one...Patience is going to be a huge factor for you here; are you willing to be patient?

And oh, frustrations do not solve anything; they only make matters worse. You are talking of emotional and sexual needs...here I am asking you to focus on basic communication first. Put this in order before you jump to anything further. Foundation must be strong before you start constructing a building, right?

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

..Read more

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