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Kanchan Rai |189 Answers |Ask -Follow

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on May 04, 2024

Kanchan Rai has 10 years of experience in therapy, nurturing soft skills and leadership coaching. She is the founder of the Let Us Talk Foundation, which offers mindfulness workshops to help people stay emotionally and mentally healthy.
Rai has a degree in leadership development and customer centricity from Harvard Business School, Boston. She is an internationally certified coach from the International Coaching Federation, a global organisation in professional coaching.... more

Asked by Anonymous - May 03, 2024Hindi

Is my husband loyal to me ?

Ans: It's challenging for me to determine your husband's loyalty without more context or information. Loyalty can be demonstrated in various ways, including honesty, trustworthiness, and commitment. If you have concerns about your husband's loyalty, it might be helpful to communicate openly with him about your feelings and observations. Building trust and understanding in a relationship often involves honest conversations and mutual respect.

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Anu Krishna |880 Answers |Ask -Follow

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Apr 13, 2022

Question by SR - Apr 13, 2022Hindi

Hi I’m 24 years old and have been married for 3 years now.My husband and I thought we had plenty of fights we did made it up and moving on as we love each other a lot. But last year after we had our first child, (even before that) I could see that he has changed a lot.Because of my delivery I came to my parents’ house in my 5th month and till today I’m still here .In this new year I found out that he is talking to the same girl about whom we had a fight when I was 3 months pregnant.He said 'Nothing is going on between us. Please trust me and all' because he claims her to be his friend.This year around New Year when he visited me I got to see the same girl and him taking selfies standing close to each other. And in one pic he also kissed her on her cheeks.My heart broke when I saw that pic. When I confronted him he said that nothing wrong had happened, ‘we are just friends.’ He said ‘It will never happen again I swear on my child.’But he never answered my question on why he had to take such a pic with her that day and that too it was pic taken after my delivery when he left home saying he had some important office work .He loves me with his words. But I’m not able to make out in some situations if it’s true or not.Nowadays he insists that I shouldn’t call him on purpose to ask idiotic questions about my lunch or my health and even to show our baby on call. He said I should call only if there is something important. Even if he calls me, he says he wants to see the baby. He said he wanted some peace from me cause I am torturing him. He said this after we quarelled about that girl.Please help me with what I should do further. I am not able to figure it out. Thanks in advance.

Ans:

Dear SR,

Straight and upfront; how much do you want to make this marriage work?

Do you feel he wants to be in this marriage as well?

Are you being a convenient façade for him to be the loving married husband with a child and then go behind your back to another woman?

Are you allowing yourself to be blackmailed into suppressing your doubts about him so that he will still be in the marriage?

What you can do further is bring in a neutral person to bring his ‘floating on the sky party’ to the ground.

His immaturity at not being able to be a father to his child at the time when his wife needs his emotional support needs to be addressed.

Ask an elder member to step in and bring some much needed sense into him so that there is an effort put into bringing you and him on the talk table for a much needed conversation to set things right.

You can do this, remember, you are a woman and now a mother who is strong and knows what she wants.

Step in and take charge and never allow yourself to be cowed down by anyone.

Be YOU and all the best!

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Anu Krishna |880 Answers |Ask -Follow

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Apr 27, 2022

Question by TK - Apr 27, 2022Hindi

Hello Anu ma’am, I’m 30 years old female, working at an IT firm. I have been married for a year now. The marriage with my husband was arranged by our family members. I met him 2 months before we got married. We talked more during that period and the conversations were always pleasant and I felt care in them and finally made the decision that he is my match. Once we got married, things were good-to-okay in the first few months. I used to live with my in-laws and slowly noticed that he is moving away little by little. My connection with him started to feel weak. He and his mother would stop talking when I entered the room. I had to help more with house chores. I tried quite a lot to keep up with in-laws, husband, and work but soon sensed that mother in law and son have teamed up against me and everything I did was never satisfactory. The first thing that came up to my mind was to move out of the house with my husband and to start our relationship afresh. He didn’t like the idea and for my work reasons, I moved out and to the city where I work (which is a 3-hour drive from where he lives). This made the connection even worse. I used to go see him once or twice in a month but the relationship felt strained so I moved back within 3 months. Around this time he downloaded some dating apps on his mobile. When I asked him about it he said he downloaded out of curiosity and didn’t use it, but I can feel the change in him. Within 2 months I started to realise he’s being secretive with his phone or iPad and is spending a lot of time with them either texting or calls. I also noticed that he is talking to someone during the night while he is sleeping next to me. I felt betrayed and shattered to my core. All the things I learnt for him, all the things that I have done for him and his family, all the time and energy I have spent felt useless. When I confronted him he never accepted it and says it’s all in my head. I gave him some time leaving it aside thinking he would bounce back once he is done with it. So I asked him to move in with me so we could bond and spend time alone. We moved in together finally but things didn’t go as I expected. When I leave for work he would either go meet the woman or worse bring her home. He continued it and I ran out of patience. I talked about it with my family and his. My family supports my decision with whatever I would want to do and his family would back him up saying that they have brought their son up my utmost values and he wouldn’t do such a thing. So finally they have sent us back to our homes hoping things will be fine. He still talks to the woman every night and God knows how many times I cannot make it out in the day time. I’m sorry it’s a long read for you but I wasn’t sure what to express and what not to, for you to help me with a suggestion.I have tried to catch his act using technology but he is too clever to be caught. Trust me, I’m a tech lead at an IT firm and I have tried a lot of methods to catch him but all of them are valid-invalid proofs and he is quite a story teller to make them all look null.I feel nothing inside most of the times and simply want to come out of this but not without showing his true form. For once, I want to win. Win huge this way. If you can help me out I will be grateful for that. Please keep me anonymous if you could.Thanks a lot for reading this.

Ans:

Dear TK,

Thank you for sharing so clearly; it certainly helps me guide in the best possible manner.

If you feel that he is infidel, the there is no necessity to go around looking for proof.

What will proving that give you?

Even if you showed it all to his parents what is the guarantee that they will not turn it around and blame you for it?

That you should not have moved out and that’s why he needed the comfort of other women.

Quit focusing on proving his infidelity and focus on more what you want at this point in time.

Do you want to continue in this marriage?

If NO, exit in the most graceful manner because the stress from all the pulling down or Win that you are looking for is strenuous and of no use. It will only appease your EGO which anyway is short-lived.

But of course, if you are in the process of negotiating terms during divorce proceedings; this proof maybe valuable to have a better WIN. I hope I have succeeded in differentiating both types of WINs so you get a clearer picture.

Now coming to how you must deal with your mind space is as simple as listing down what is important to you.

Is it dwelling on what he does or emphasizing more on what you can do?

When it’s the latter, you will think and act in a manner that looks out for you and how you can keep yourself in an optimum mind space.

So, start focusing on what makes you happy and stick to that.

When you are ready to move on, make it graceful and if there seems to be a problem with negotiation, the proof that you have collected with a sane sense of mind will come in handy.

I assume that there are no children involved but if there are, take into consideration how they will cope with any decision of yours.

Bottom Line: Learn to live your life and focus on what’s important. I am confident that you can do this NOW.

All the best for a beautiful mind space!

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Anu Krishna |880 Answers |Ask -Follow

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Sep 20, 2021

Question by TT - Sep 20, 2021Hindi

Dear Anu, I would like to discuss about a problem in my married life with you. Me and my husband had a love marriage 21 years ago. Before our marriage also my husband had many relationships and affairs but since he was very true about everything and he promised to change things, we married. Though, our family was a happy one and we have two grown up kids also, everything seems OK from outside. But actually, my husband has had many affairs after our marriage also. He has never left his habit of impressing females around him, it may be his colleagues or some common friends etc.. and I always come across some or the other female in his life. Some of the affairs have been so serious that they even went ahead and spent days and nights together. Every time, I discover some affair, he admits his mistake and tells me to move on, but he never believes in correcting his mistakes and either continues with the affair or finds a new partner. I have lost all trust in him but since I am not earning and have two grown up kids and also love him a lot, can't think of separation. I have tried confronting him though but he gets angry always and blames me for spoiling our family life and not moving on. Also, would like to accept that he is very supportive in family matters, loves his family a lot, is very dedicated to his work and to his kids, he is very empathetic towards people, helps everyone but needs his own space too. I am completely confused about what should I do. I am unable to trust him for anything and we keep arguing over smallest things. Hope you will reply to me. Thanks.

Ans: Dear TT, I can only imagine what you must be going through.

Since you want to continue in the marriage, that choice is something I presume that has emerged after a lot of thought and I respect it.

The way this marriage will work is communicate clearly to him that his philandering ways have to stop as it is affecting you and the marriage.

If this doesn’t work, he seriously needs help in dealing with this…sometimes people don’t realise that they are jeopardizing their marriages.

I am not defending him but simply stating that sometimes people get themselves into a trap of not so useful situations and quite don’t know how to get out of it.

Also, what he might gain from so many extra marital relationships is something that he needs to find in other ways rather than swaying outside of the marriage.

This requires him to work with an expert as he will most likely not yield to your requests like in the past. Mere talking will not be enough; he possibly needs intensive therapy.

This will help him reunite with his family that he loves so much and he can be around completely without having to seek pleasure outside eroding the foundation of marriage.

As he seems to get better, it’s time for you to live your life as well, right?

What is it that you haven’t done in years? What is it that you gave up after marriage or after having kids?

What excites you enough for you to step up for yourself and create your own happiness? Simply DO THAT.

This will help you get back on your feet; who knows you might discover something that actually may end up becoming a money generator as well!

I wish you the best!

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