Dear Anu, I would like to discuss about a problem in my married life with you.
Me and my husband had a love marriage 21 years ago.
Before our marriage also my husband had many relationships and affairs but since he was very true about everything and he promised to change things, we married.
Though, our family was a happy one and we have two grown up kids also, everything seems OK from outside. But actually, my husband has had many affairs after our marriage also.
He has never left his habit of impressing females around him, it may be his colleagues or some common friends etc.. and I always come across some or the other female in his life.
Some of the affairs have been so serious that they even went ahead and spent days and nights together.
Every time, I discover some affair, he admits his mistake and tells me to move on, but he never believes in correcting his mistakes and either continues with the affair or finds a new partner.
I have lost all trust in him but since I am not earning and have two grown up kids and also love him a lot, can't think of separation.
I have tried confronting him though but he gets angry always and blames me for spoiling our family life and not moving on.
Also, would like to accept that he is very supportive in family matters, loves his family a lot, is very dedicated to his work and to his kids, he is very empathetic towards people, helps everyone but needs his own space too.
I am completely confused about what should I do.
I am unable to trust him for anything and we keep arguing over smallest things.
Hope you will reply to me. Thanks.
Ans: Dear TT, I can only imagine what you must be going through.
Since you want to continue in the marriage, that choice is something I presume that has emerged after a lot of thought and I respect it.
The way this marriage will work is communicate clearly to him that his philandering ways have to stop as it is affecting you and the marriage.
If this doesn’t work, he seriously needs help in dealing with this…sometimes people don’t realise that they are jeopardizing their marriages.
I am not defending him but simply stating that sometimes people get themselves into a trap of not so useful situations and quite don’t know how to get out of it.
Also, what he might gain from so many extra marital relationships is something that he needs to find in other ways rather than swaying outside of the marriage.
This requires him to work with an expert as he will most likely not yield to your requests like in the past. Mere talking will not be enough; he possibly needs intensive therapy.
This will help him reunite with his family that he loves so much and he can be around completely without having to seek pleasure outside eroding the foundation of marriage.
As he seems to get better, it’s time for you to live your life as well, right?
What is it that you haven’t done in years? What is it that you gave up after marriage or after having kids?
What excites you enough for you to step up for yourself and create your own happiness? Simply DO THAT.
This will help you get back on your feet; who knows you might discover something that actually may end up becoming a money generator as well!
I wish you the best!
