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Torn Apart by Guilt: How to mend my 7-year relationship after cheating?

Ravi

Ravi Mittal  |469 Answers  |Ask -

Dating, Relationships Expert - Answered on Oct 15, 2024

Ravi Mittal is an expert on dating and relationships.
He founded QuackQuack, an online dating platform, in 2010 with just two people. Today, it has over 20 million users in India.... more
Asked by Anonymous - Oct 12, 2024Hindi
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Hello Ravi sir I'm 26 years old I have cheated on my boyfriend of 7 years I'm in guilt I don't want him to feel hurt and broken I want everything to be fine like before how to do I don't know I'm feeling miserable feel like to end my life

Ans: Dear Anonymous,
First of all, no problem is worth ending your life. Let's work together to find a solution to this. While infidelity is unacceptable, it is a good sign that you are feeling guilty- it shows that your moral compass isn't broken after all. Now, I don't know if you have disclosed the matter to your partner but if you haven't, just take a beat and figure out why you want to tell him- to ease your guilt or because you think he deserves to know and make an informed decision about this relationship. In case, he decides to break up with you, all you can do is apologize and do so genuinely. If he still doesn't want to stay, I know it will hurt, but don't force him. Bad things happen sometimes for no good reason, but it's not the end of life. You will move on and you will never repeat the same mistake again. That is growth.

But before we jump to moving on, let's work on apologizing and making up for the mistake. I hope things get better.

Best Wishes.

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Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |442 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Apr 18, 2023

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Hello my my husband always cheated on me he always flirt to another girls only for the intension to sleep with them and now 10 days ago he was stay one night in hotel with another girl when I was not in home my marriage is 4 years till and have one daughter I m completely broken plz guide me
Ans: Dear Richa

I am sorry to hear about what you're going through in your marriage. Infidelity is a very painful experience and it's completely understandable that you are feeling broken right now. my first suggestion would be to prioritise your own self-care and emotional well-being. Consider seeking support from a therapist or counselor who can help you process your emotions, cope with the pain of infidelity, and develop a plan for moving forward.

In terms of your marriage, it's important to remember that the decision of what to do next is ultimately up to you. It's common for people to feel a range of emotions following infidelity, such as anger, sadness, confusion, and a sense of betrayal. If you do decide to stay in the marriage, it may be helpful to seek out couples therapy or marriage counseling in order to address the underlying issues that contributed to your husband's infidelity and to work on rebuilding trust and intimacy in the relationship.

However, it's also important to consider whether staying in the marriage is truly in your best interests and those of your daughter. Infidelity can be a sign of deeper issues within a relationship, and it may be necessary to take some time to evaluate whether the relationship is truly healthy and fulfilling for you.

Regardless of what you decide, know that healing from infidelity is a process that takes time and effort. It's important to be patient and kind to yourself as you navigate this difficult time in your life, and to remember that you deserve to be in a relationship where you are respected and valued.

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Mohit

Mohit Arora  | Answer  |Ask -

Dating Coach - Answered on Jul 06, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Jul 05, 2024Hindi
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I had a relationship with my married friend..and his family know me very well even his wife too... whatever occasion they are invited to my house and me too in their house... But nobody knows about our affair...no one from our friends zone not even our families... He broke up with me in this 1yr... I wanted to connected as friends but he stop talking to me also but act like we are friends..this act for our families and for friends.. and from this 1yr I feel myself cheater, guilty, fake, shame and going to panic attacks and depression...he moved on but I'm not...even now alday all-time i feel myself as a cheater... Feeling bad for parents, friends zone those who loves me and thinking about me that I never ever did this type of bad karma like cheating... I really lost myself happy...just wanted to be free from this life(suicide or whatever) just want to go away from everyone and free from this guilt and shame and from this faking happy life... I never wanted like this relationship...but it happened... Also I was a girl who judging others for their extra marital affair..and now I'm the culprit and nobody knows about this...it's really feel like cheater and fake self that I can't carry...just want to be free... What should I do for self?????
Ans: I understand that you are feeling a lot of guilt and shame right now. It is important to remember that you are not a bad person.

Relationships are not always meant to be permanent. Sometimes, people grow apart or realize that they are not right for each other. It is okay to mourn the loss of a relationship, but it is also important to forgive yourself and move on.

You did not do anything wrong. You simply followed your heart and went ahead with what you felt was right at the time. It is not your fault that the relationship did not work out.

The best thing you can do for yourself right now is to focus on self-love and forgiveness. Forgive yourself for your mistakes and learn from them. Focus on your hobbies and other interests. Read good books and spend time with people who make you happy.

You are a good person. You deserve to be happy and loved. Don't let this one mistake define you. You will move on from this and find someone who is right for you.

Here are some additional tips for self-care:

Practice self-compassion. Be kind and understanding towards yourself. Everyone makes mistakes.

Don't compare yourself to others. Everyone is on their own unique journey.
Focus on your strengths. What are you good at? What do you enjoy doing?

Set realistic goals. Don't try to change everything overnight. Start by making small changes that you can stick to.

Seek professional help if needed. If you are struggling to cope with your emotions, don't hesitate to seek professional help. A therapist can help you to understand your feelings and develop coping mechanisms.

Mohit Arora S
Founder - Real Dating School

www.realdatingschool.com/1-1_call

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Ravi

Ravi Mittal  |469 Answers  |Ask -

Dating, Relationships Expert - Answered on Jul 23, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Jul 21, 2024Hindi
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Me and my boyfriend are in long distance relationship from past 6 months, I told him about my past in almost starting of it that I had 2 friends with benefits in past and one of that person was my classmate as well as friend, and he used to still contact me, and when I came in relationship also, he called me during that time and I told regarding my relationship status, and I also informed my boyfriend that I talked with him but this thing happened before he knows that I had physical intimacy with him, then when he asked me to block, I suddenly question "what is the point of blocking him" which I regret the most, but I blocked him later by myself, now my boyfriend is sayine me that I have cheated him and he won't trust me till his death, but I told everything in past happened to him. I love him a lot but he is not giving to work together in this relationship and saying that he won't stay loyal to me anymore, he won't trust be ever, as per him I have cheated him, but my intentions were not wrong at all, tho that guy was in contact but I never initiate any conversation with him while I came into relationship, is it really a cheat, is it that he should not trust me anymore? Please guide
Ans: Dear Anonymous,

It sounds like you are going through a rough time and I am sorry for it. Here's a thought and I am sure you have thought of it too, try to see things from his perspective. While you know that you never cheated nor meant to, it is important to acknowledge that your boyfriend's feelings are valid. He is feeling betrayed and that's a fact. Now, our goal should be to fix this issue. How do we do it? Communication is the only way. Tell him that you understand his perspective but it is important that he sees yours too. If he wants to vent, listen to him. Do not interrupt or become defensive. Understand whatever he says is coming from his insecurity. I know it's difficult not to take it personally, but his statements will be a reflection of his feelings and not your character. Remember this during the conversation. Once he is done speaking, reassure him that you had no intention of cheating. You can also reassure him of your commitment. Promise to be more transparent and point out that you were honest with him from the beginning. If you had any intention to cheat, you could have easily not shared with him your past. But you did and that shows that you are committed to this relationship. Tell him that you understand the need for boundaries and it is not okay to be in touch with people who make your partner uncomfortable.

Look, rebuilding trust needs work and it also takes time. Both of you need to work on it. You will have to work on making him trust you and he will have to work on letting go of his misconception (which might be his reality) and trust you wholly again. Relationships don't work till two people trust each other completely. If he continues to say that he can't trust you again, it might be best to reconsider this relationship. Even though your words hurt him, you did not cheat on him in reality. Why should you have to live in fear that he will cheat on you merely to take revenge?

After you put in all the effort, see where it goes. If things do not get better, rethinking the relationship would be best. Everyone deserves someone who can trust and be trusted.

Best Wishes.

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Nayagam P

Nayagam P P  |3976 Answers  |Ask -

Career Counsellor - Answered on Dec 16, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Dec 14, 2024Hindi
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Hi Experts, Need your valued advise... My wife completed BSC Computer science in 2022. We got married in the same year and due to pregancy we did not much focussed on her carrer till now as we need to take care of the baby. We would like start her carrer and get a job. What are options we have to explore now considering 2years gap almost. And my wife english fluency is not that good. Could you advise what is the best action we can take to ensure she is not too dependent on everyone. Thanks in advance
Ans: Sir, This is a comprehensive plan to support your wife in resuming her professional career after a two-year break. Begin by evaluating her strengths and interests in Computer Science, such as programming, databases, web development, and digital marketing, among others. Assess her preference for technical roles in comparison to non-technical positions. Concentrate on avenues for improving your skills by looking into budget-friendly online courses.

When it comes to enhancing her English skills, this is the most effective approach. Instruct her to start with the fundamental 12 Tenses: Simple Present, Simple Past, Simple Future, Present Perfect Continuous, Past Perfect Continuous, Future Perfect Continuous, Present Perfect, Past Perfect, Future Perfect, Present Perfect Continuous, Past Perfect Continuous, and Future Perfect Continuous. Additionally, suggest that she memorize at least 40-50 verbs to effectively use with the aforementioned 12 tenses. She can easily learn this from YouTube or any high-quality book to boost her confidence in communicating in English.

Explore job opportunities ideal for newcomers, such as remote or freelance roles, virtual assistant positions, social media management, IT support associate, software testing, and data support functions. Engaging in small projects and enhancing her resume with online certifications.

Additionally, allow her to maintain her LinkedIn account and set up job alerts in her field to stay informed about the job market trends. Starting her career requires a significant amount of patience and a willingness to learn. All the BEST for your Wife’s Prosperous Future.

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Nayagam P

Nayagam P P  |3976 Answers  |Ask -

Career Counsellor - Answered on Dec 16, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Dec 16, 2024Hindi
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Gave 2 levels of interview at Eaton in starting of December 2024 and HR said that they will share the candidature status by mid previous week ( 11-12 Dec) but till now , there had been no communication. Could you please let me know what should I do here, should I call HR or send an email ?
Ans: As they indicated they would respond by the second week of December, it is possible that they may require an additional week to reach a decision and finalize their response. To follow up with HR about your application, please send a concise and courteous email, making sure it is brief and direct. If a response is not received within 3-4 business days, please initiate a follow-up call, ensuring that the conversation remains concise and polite. Emails provide the HR team with the opportunity to assess your status and reply with careful consideration, showcasing a high level of professionalism. Please ensure the email is sent today, as the response has already experienced a delay. And, continue to apply for jobs as you normally would through LinkedIn, the websites of your preferred companies, employee referrals, and other avenues, rather than waiting for their response. Maintain a record of the companies and job titles to which you have applied to prevent redundancy. MOST IMPORTANT TIP: Having a second / PROFESSIONAL email address is strongly advised, especially when looking for employment & applying for jobs, as even crucial emails may find up in your spam folder and you may miss them.

All the BEST for your Prosperous Future.

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Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |442 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Dec 16, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Dec 03, 2024
Relationship
How much weightage should be given to the Past (Relationship & Sexual History) of a Man, while vetting prospective matches in the process of Arranged Marriage? Does a Man's Virginity matter as much as a Woman's Virginity? Or can his Past be overlooked completely, if his Present is Good & Future looks Promising?
Ans: A man’s past should not be entirely overlooked, but it should also not define him. It’s important to understand the context of his previous relationships—whether they were casual, meaningful, or unhealthy—and how those experiences have shaped him. The focus should be on whether he has grown from those experiences and whether his present actions and values align with the future he envisions with you. If he demonstrates honesty, respect, and a commitment to the relationship, his past becomes less significant compared to the person he is today.

Ultimately, the decision depends on what matters most to you in a partner. If a man’s virginity or lack of prior relationships is important to you for personal, cultural, or religious reasons, it’s essential to communicate this openly and respectfully. At the same time, consider whether the expectations you place on him are fair and reflective of the qualities you value in a lifelong partner—trust, kindness, loyalty, and shared goals.

What truly matters in an arranged marriage—or any relationship—is how the person’s past, present, and future align with your vision of a partnership. If he is open about his history, takes accountability for any mistakes, and is genuinely committed to building a strong and loving future with you, his past should not necessarily overshadow the potential for a fulfilling relationship.

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Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |442 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Dec 16, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Dec 05, 2024
Relationship
Hi, i am sri lankan girl, and my bf is indian, recently his family had found a girl and forced him to marry, he said he had no option this time he had to say ok, because after he told about me to them, they started to act rude and now they all find out me and try to make me scared, my bf blocked me, because that girl also controls him, i told him you can still turn back and choose your life, but he said it will be a problem to his parents, and his dad trying to hurt himself. I really love him, we were together 2 years. Even he says he misses me a lot and he said he feels the life how happy it was before and now he is confused and he says feel like he is in a jail, please help me, he says now he can’t promise me anything.he says if i find someone it ok, he will be a good friend, but i really love him, what can i do
Ans: What’s important here is to also focus on what this situation is doing to you. You’re trying to hold on, to fight for the love you’ve shared, and it’s exhausting. It’s heartbreaking to love someone who feels like they have no choice but to walk away. You’ve already shown courage in encouraging him to choose his own happiness, to take control of his life, but it sounds like he’s not in a place where he can take that step. His confusion and feelings of being “in a jail” may reflect his inner turmoil, but they also show that he’s currently unable to prioritize your relationship in the way it deserves. His offer to remain a "friend" while giving you the freedom to move on might come from a place of care, but it also leaves you carrying the weight of love and heartbreak alone.

You need to take a step back and ask yourself some difficult questions. Are you willing to continue waiting for him, knowing that his family may never accept you and that he may never have the strength to stand up to them? Or is it time to prioritize your own emotional well-being and open yourself to the possibility of a future where you’re truly valued and chosen by someone who can fight for you, no matter the challenges?

Loving him and letting go can coexist. Letting go doesn’t mean you stop loving him or that what you shared wasn’t real. It means recognizing that his inability to fight for your relationship is a reality you can’t control. You’ve done everything you could to show him what he stands to lose, and now the choice lies with him. In the meantime, you need to protect your own heart and focus on your happiness. Surround yourself with people who uplift you, and allow yourself time to grieve this loss. Healing won’t happen overnight, but it begins when you choose to honor your own worth and emotional health. If he comes back to you one day, it should only be because he’s ready to fight for the love you deserve, not because he feels trapped or confused. Until then, you have every right to move forward with your life and pursue the happiness you deserve.

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Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |442 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Dec 16, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Dec 08, 2024Hindi
Relationship
I have a friend for over 9 years. She is 38, married with a 13 yr old boy and I am single and 32. Ever since we have known each other we have been friends. I never had romantic feelings or intimate thoughts about her(I guess I am not that much into married women). Over the course of years since 2015, we have had a very close friendship and at a professional capacity I am tutor to her child.(The child has been hanging out with me since he was 4). Me and the lady went for vacations and have spent countless nights on the balcony with a drink and lots to talk about our lives. I am thoroughly aware of her troubled marriage including instances of DV and her complicated upper middle class family dynamics. She knows my childhood, how I lost my parents and has been close watcher of how I have transformed over the years. In 2020 in a moment of my weakness, loneliness, desperation I spoke to her extensively even breaking down and she somehow made the call the treatment me like a son and I have ever since addressed her as 'Maate'. (My mother passed away in childbirth so my knowledge of a mother's presence is next to 0) During the pandemic where we could barely meet during to distance and lockdown. Her husband also moved to UK for work. A new "friend" comes to the picture. I did not meet him at the beginning but after a few months, I notice my friend taking care of the finances, lifestyle choices of the"friend". He enjoys the involvement citing how difficult his life was where his parents could not provide such interactions when he was a kid. (The "friend" is 28 years old). The "friend" also a leukaemia survivor indulges in alcohol with us, tries other substances in her company and one night confesses his feelings to Maate. Maate tells him that she has a kid, a husband and a boyfriend so those spectrums there is no space for the "friend". So the "friend" officially friendzones himself but over the times has arranged him to stay in her place, sleep in her bed, cuddle with her everynight(can't sleep otherwise) has access to her emails, photos, phone password, and subtly starts taking control over her house to get things done his way. He even does not allow the 13 yr old child sleep with his mom because the child gets a pole in his sleep(like of teens and men) it creeps the "friend" out. Finally after a night of drinking I suddenly woke up to sounds of moaning early in the morning from her bathroom. So the "friend" finally had his long overdue sex at 6 am in the morning in her bathroom. I wake to listen to Maate moaning buty paranoia kicks in when I see her kid waking up and standing behind me and asking 'where is Mamma'. I have no words, I have no idea what to do. I take him away on the pretext of making some yummy breakfast. Now the problem for me is: 1. I have lived by a few codes and one of them is not to cross boundaries with female friends. I have stayed friends with them for over 2 decades. So someone doing it infront of me and calling it friendship and apologizing with the words 'heat of the moment','honest mistake', 'drunken daze', etc just makes me call it bullshit. The "friend" wanted it and took the first shot he got. 2. My Maate asking me to let it go, forgive and treat the "friend" like a younger brother. I have tried it a lot over the last year and I sincerely can't(because of reasons mentioned in Point 1) 3. Saying it to openly to Maate has starined my equation with her. I just want to stay away from such a "friend" but evidently voicing it out (albeit in a very loud manner) pushed away my closest confidant. The only thing I know is if things get better I can't pull of this pretentious stuff and it will make me burst again. I don't know what to do here.
Ans: You’ve built your life around certain principles—one being the importance of boundaries and respect in friendships. Seeing those boundaries crossed in a way that you perceive as disrespectful to the sanctity of your connection with Maate, as well as her responsibilities as a mother, strikes at the heart of your values. It’s no wonder that you feel uneasy and unable to simply accept her request to forgive and treat the “friend” as a younger brother.

What’s critical here is that your feelings of discomfort are not about being judgmental but about being protective—of your bond with Maate, her child’s well-being, and your own emotional integrity. This situation has left you in a moral and emotional bind. You value the relationship with Maate, but the dynamic involving the “friend” is deeply troubling for you.

To move forward, you need to find a way to honor your values while also preserving your emotional well-being. Open communication is key, but it’s also clear that the way this has been discussed so far has caused strain. You might need to reframe your approach. Instead of focusing on the specifics of what happened or pointing out the flaws in the “friend’s” behavior, you could focus on how the situation has affected you. Express your feelings honestly but gently—share how it has created a sense of distance and how much you miss the closeness and trust you once shared.

At the same time, it’s important to set boundaries for yourself. You don’t have to accept the “friend” into your life if it feels wrong to you. However, you can make it clear to Maate that this boundary is about your own peace of mind and not a judgment of her choices. Acknowledge her autonomy while asserting your need for space from situations that make you uncomfortable.

Ultimately, this might mean accepting that the relationship with Maate will change. Relationships evolve, and sometimes people we care about make choices that we can’t fully align with. It doesn’t mean you have to sever ties, but it does mean redefining the terms of your connection in a way that allows you to stay true to yourself.

Take time to reflect on what you need to feel whole and grounded. This situation has understandably shaken you, but it’s also an opportunity to reaffirm your values and protect your well-being. Seek support from others you trust, and remember that it’s okay to take a step back to process your feelings and recalibrate the relationship on your terms.

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Milind

Milind Vadjikar  |774 Answers  |Ask -

Insurance, Stocks, MF, PF Expert - Answered on Dec 16, 2024

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