Dr Kaur, we've been married for 10 years, and have two children. We barely talk, sleep in separate beds, and intimacy has completely died. There is no romance between us. I feel invisible, but I don't want to break up the family. Is this a phase, or are we slowly falling out of love? How to know if there is room for counselling?

Ans: Dear N, What went through your wife’s mind at the time of the birth of your second child is something that needs to be addressed.

Maybe the work of bringing up two children exhausted her or there was a hormonal disturbance that made her lose interest. But let bygones be bygones.

Now that she is trying to get closer, maybe you can also try to see what the two of you can do to rebuild the closeness.

Rather than jump straight to sex, create closeness step by step.

Spend quality time together, watch movies, engage in a hobby together, cook together…the fondness and affection outside the bedroom might help breaking the ice and you start to at least engage in an affectionate manner towards one another.

It is easy to walk out of a marriage but do remember what the reason to walk out will be?

After a few years, it might not been worth it at all…Why not at least give the above suggestions a try?

Engage as friends with no expectations from one another and let the purpose be a happy engagement just like the one we have with out friends.

You also have two daughters who definitely want to be in a loving family; so give this a chance and see if it works out. You have nothing to lose but everything to gain.

Ans: Dear Anonymous,
Yes, it is emotional cheating.
Instead of relying on someone external to fulfill your emotional needs which can very easily slip into a physical connection, why don't you two actually take the time to rekindle your connection. Obviously, there's been an emotional break in the marriage that needs a bit of ego to be set aside and with a lot of care, love and support, things can get better. So, yes...do see a Marriage Therapist; it will help...

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

Ans: Dear Anonymous,
Movies can wake you up, but also don't apply everything from it onto yourself. You will feel like a 'perfect' victim. It's good that you have become aware that you truly want more affection from your husband which is what you call as connection or validation.
Also, when you start to fill the void in your marriage from outside, it's not going to be a very pleasant experience.
Working on your marriage can help; some men unfortunately are raised in homes that don't teach them on how to care for a woman and her feelings. Usually, the male figure at home will dominate in a way that the mother/sister will be submissive or subservient and then the son picks this trait from his father.
So, even if you raise this point of affection, your husband is possibly not going to understand or will simply tell you that you are overthinking. He knows only that much...
Start by being excited about your marriage...
- appreciate him often; it might teach him to do the same with you
- express your wants very clearly without making it sound like a complaint; it may teach him to follow your expectations
- ask for help within your marriage; it may subtly teach him to show up more for you

It's a long journey perhaps, but start somewhere...

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

Ans: Dear Anonymous,
NO, this is the beginning of the next phase of your lives minus the kids around you all the time.
Start making time for the marriage in terms of:
- spending time with one another sharing responsibilities and doing a few together
- take mini vacations to get away from the daily mundane tasks
- join a sport or activity class together
- have long conversations on each other's likes and dislikes

The basic idea is to rebuild the marriage BUT pretend that you are starting now, afresh! With this outlook, there will be a lot of fresh thoughts without bringing up the past...

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

Ans: Dear Anonymous,
A marriage of 15 years, a child, responsibilities, household chores can lead a couple to a place where they start taking each other for granted. And when that happens and there's no respect for emotional closeness anymore, where is the room for touch, feel and sex?
Rather than focusing on your sex life, shift your lens to build that emotional closeness that is lost and you will see the spark coming alive slowly but surely...
It's not too late or funny to go out on date nights or a holiday together...less talk more doing instead...small gestures like these can help bring back that closeness and love that has faded.

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/