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Anu

Anu Krishna  |1587 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Apr 06, 2022

Anu Krishna is a mind coach and relationship expert.
The co-founder of Unfear Changemakers LLP, she has received her neuro linguistic programming training from National Federation of NeuroLinguistic Programming, USA, and her energy work specialisation from the Institute for Inner Studies, Manila.
She is an executive member of the Indian Association of Adolescent Health.... more
L Question by L on Apr 06, 2022Hindi
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Relationship

Hi Anu, my husband is misunderstanding me. He is blaming me for not listening him.
I'm trying to change myself to him. Whatever I do he is not ready to accept me.
He wanted a 100% perfect Indian woman. He wanted me like his mother I guess. But I have born and brought up differently I don't bother about some cultures.
He imagined me like his dream wife based on my looks. Now he is telling that I'm a totally different woman, I have to change.

Ans:

Dear L,

Today you change and become like his mother, tomorrow the demand will be something else. We are who we are.

What exactly irks him?

The way you dress or the way you speak, the way you are with elders, rituals not being met?

Figure this out…sometimes, small changes can lead to great ease in the relationship.

Also as you make the effort, do communicate that it will be nice if he did see things your way in  a few things as well.

Mid-point in a marriage can be hard to achieve but very effective for the marriage to last long. Else only one person changes and the whole thing becomes lopsided.

Try and be empathetic when he talks but make sure you gently push back what you want and who you are.

If it feels too much to do, seek the help of an elder in the family to step in.

Give in a little, smile and also at the same time make sure that you are who you are!

Best wishes!

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Anu

Anu Krishna  |1587 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Dec 13, 2023

Asked by Anonymous - Nov 04, 2023Hindi
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Relationship
Hi I'm marriwd for 13 yrs...now a stage of seperation has come in life...to start with got married in 2010.. Thouhh we are of same caste n language but I was totally born and brought up in north and he pure typical South Indian...it was arrange marriage with not much talks between n soon happened marriage after marriage there was no physical relationship after just very hardly 2+times not with any int that also ..innone half month caught his one affair n then multiple affairs after that also...but always have insulted me for not being good looking(trust me there are people who r just behind me for being good looking )i dont earn properly nor helpful in financial nor cook proper as I'm from north my pref is north but his south but still learnt n kept cooking...but never ever appreciated..after 2-half yrs of marriage planned for baby through IVF not natural gave some lies reason to hospital n did artificial pregnancy n told me I don't want have relation with u n have my stress...somehow I have now a daughter who is 10 yrs..after pregnancy I gained lotta weight from 55 I shooted to 80 n again his insult comparison started ..over period of years I lost my weight n became much more good looking than before now I have weight before marriage also...came down to 52 ... vacation takes once a year 2-3 days Max to Goa only Goa no othe eplace have seen...there also keeps on sleepin for most of time if asked to go out tells came for relaxin not roamin food also have to fight...I jus go for daughter sake and like the place...also I have caught him in his bag keeping and still using tabltes like viagara sedenefil tradamol etc but where he goes n has relation God knows is very egositic jus treat me like slave I should jus clean house cook not spend n earn also n not go out creates huge ruckus if go for bday party or function also nevertheless I go ...off lately I lost my way also had a emotional attachment with a man who understood me n tri d to help financialy n eveyway which husband caught hold off n startwe torturing me n blamin me I'm not proper I'm dirty women this that but I blamed him when husband is not doin role of husband what I should do ..also one more fact when they married thier family lies about his first divorce hid and married which I got to know after my kid...still never accepts his fault n when I pin pointed his defects and his affairs n everything he tells he can do anythin doesn't mean I can do anything I want...now parents side they r supporting me for divorce but thier behaviour is also very dominant n order kind if I losten like goat they wil do else they r some super special PPL change like wind ...bit for sometime untill settle I have to be there...coming to maintenance fee and all husband keeps blackmailing I have proof of ur affair I can show to court but I'm not doin do mutual n agree for amount he tells not what I ask..he has never told his real salary till now to me n tells will give 15k per month n my demand is 25k coz daughter is also with me n I don't wnat to depened on money of parent I wil woke too but I'm not so high qualified ...pls tell me I should divorce n lead life seperate I tried to calm down situation but no responses from him last six month back I had left n gone my relative talked n tried teo reconcile took me back but after comin last 5months has not spoken a single word nor gave one rupee also to me...
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
Your husband does not seem like a person who is stable or can offer stability. And this is evident in his behavior of the past many years. So, if you are someone who seeks security and stability within a marriage, I am sure you know what is the right decision to make regarding the marriage.
If you decide that stepping out of this marriage is the right thing, kindly hire the services of a lawyer who can draw up the terms of separation that will secure your daughter's future as well. In the meantime, start searching as to what work you can do...start with something small and many doors will start to open up. Work from home (with the skill sets that you have) can be a good option. Financial independence will go a long way in helping you stand on your feet and also bring in a lot of confidence that you actually need.
Whether you choose to continue in the marriage or not, you identity is something that you must focus on. It helps you to be firm and strong. So, focus on yourself and create a stronger self.

All the best!

..Read more

Anu

Anu Krishna  |1587 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jan 24, 2024

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Anu Krishna  |1587 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Nov 29, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Nov 23, 2024Hindi
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Relationship
i got married late in life being a girl which was 30 years old, after i got married my so called husband started harassing me verbally and then in just three months i stayed with him he strangled me 3 times and hit me 2 times, and says sorry everytime and then repeat again according to people this is not even a thing as these things happens between married people, i was a working housewife there as i work from home being a software engineer but still this person and his mom had a lot of issues with me, And just to be in this marriage i did everything to made it work. His efforts which he say he put were he took me to honeymoon(in which he fought with me for day saying why did your brother didn't ask me which car did i will prefer) Basically this man thinks i didn't put much efforts for him in marriage that's arrange like buying things for him and according to his level ( the most irritating word for me he uses for himself, mere level ki watch nhi h, mere level k kpde nhi h, mere level ka hall nhi h). Even after marriage for 2 months he and his mom keeps on saying such things but i tried to ignore them. But how can i do that when at night my husband after my office hours end at 10'o clock starts fighting with me and keep that's up till 12. He don't even care if i eat or not but wants me to feed him with my own hands because according to him being a husband he deserves this kind of love and care from me. And says that you don't know how the world outside is he need to work with people and you just work online so that's not even work( i earn almost same as him). I did every thing washing his undergarments till placing his clothes in almirah. Providing him variety of foods, and make him enjoy a lot of sex which was the only kind of intimacy i had with this person. Even when he fought with me still he forcefully had sex because acc to him its his right and the only way to solve his fights or ruckus he has caused. So after observing his behaviour i am asking him divorce since then but he is not ready to provide me. Legally it will be a very long time, though i have started that too. i am 32 now and case will going to take many years and later even now no one will marry me at this age because i am divorcee & Also 32. What should i do?
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
You are doing what you should do for yourself. Move away from this very toxic person and the marriage. Yes, he may contest and this can be a long drawn affair, be prepared for that.
Consult with a good lawyer who will basically be able to contest it very ably from your side and make sure that it ends fair and square.
There is no need to think of yet another marriage right now as I suggest that you give yourself some time to breathe and move out of this one. Feel your freedom, physically, emotionally and financially and heal from this one. There will be a point in time when you might feel the need for a companion...

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

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Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |577 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Dec 30, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Dec 05, 2024Hindi
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Relationship
Hi Dr. I am 27 year women with a 5 year old girl and 7 months pregnant. I was married 9 years ago. We faced many ups and downs in our life. Three years back , I went to dubai where my husband was working, to spend with him. But as a mobile addict , most of the time he will be on mobile when he was at home or sleeping. We spend little quality time . That too on my or my daughter's insist. Later I got job there as a teacher @ school . I worked there about two years when I got pregnant I return back to my home country. As he was resigned in search of better opportunity, even he is also with me in India now. He is short tempered and whenever he talks he raises his voice. For every single thing he is worried and shouting at me . It makes me feel sad. He is not bothered about my health and if I ask something like fruits to buy he will get angry saying that I am the one who is to manage the expenses and he can't afford buying things for me. He blames me for single thing. I need to ask permission for spending my money. He is in charge of taking care of my money. Main thing that I can't digest from his side is that he demands me to obey him like a slave. He says that how we are to the God , likewise you should obey and bear what ever from his side. Till that my love towards him isn't completed that is what he says. He never ever gives me a chance to explain or communicate my issues. Now I feel emotionally mentally very distant from him. I am staying at my home . Though his house is nearby mine, he rarely find time to visit me or call me. What should I do?
Ans: Your husband's behavior, as you've explained, reflects patterns of control and a lack of empathy for your well-being. Relationships thrive on mutual respect, open communication, and partnership, not dominance or one-sided expectations. The idea that you should obey him like a slave is deeply concerning and goes against the foundation of a healthy and loving relationship. His unwillingness to engage in meaningful communication or to show care during your pregnancy exacerbates the emotional distance you feel.

Right now, your primary focus should be on your mental and physical health and that of your children, both born and unborn. It's important to have a support system around you. Being with your family at this time seems like a good decision, as it gives you some space from the negativity and an opportunity to focus on yourself.

You deserve to feel heard, valued, and supported in your marriage. It's worth considering having a candid conversation with your husband when emotions are not heightened, explaining how his behavior affects you and the marriage. If he is unwilling to listen or dismisses your feelings, it may be time to consider seeking professional help, such as marriage counseling, where both of you can work on your relationship dynamics in a neutral and supportive environment.

If he refuses to engage in any efforts to improve the relationship or continues to demand unquestioning obedience without regard for your well-being, you might need to reflect on whether this relationship aligns with the life you envision for yourself and your children. No one deserves to feel like they are unworthy or diminished in their own home.

Remember, taking care of your emotional well-being is not just about your own happiness but also about creating a nurturing environment for your children. You are strong, and you have already shown resilience by navigating this challenging relationship and focusing on your responsibilities. Trust in your ability to make decisions that prioritize your dignity, health, and future. If you ever feel overwhelmed, consider reaching out to a counselor or therapist who can provide support tailored to your circumstances and guide you through these difficult emotions.

..Read more

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