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Anu

Anu Krishna1026 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Aug 05, 2022

Asked on - Aug 05, 2022Hindi

Relationship
I want to keep it anonymous.
I am a 30 years old independent woman married for 5 months only.
My husband and I were in same college but were not friends.
He had been approaching me for getting married since 2017, but every time I had rejected his proposal, later in February, 2021 I talked to him openly and mentioned my inability to conceive if we get married.
To which his response was that he really liked me and is ready to accept me with my inability.
I made our families met and we got engaged.
During the one year of courtship period, initial 4-5 months were peaceful, but he and I were missing a bond, yet we thought may be with time we will find it.
After the initial phase as we started meeting for family functions.
He started finding flaws in me. Things like, I stare at other men when I go out, I don’t give him priority, why do I talk to any male friend beyond necessity, why do I praise my senior at office parties etc.
He started controlling me in these areas and used to get angry if I talk to my siblings late night.
I started feeling trapped and suffocated, and always under the fear that any of my action could make my husband angry.
In that anger he seemed like a very different person, someone aggressive.
We started fighting, arguing over petty things.
He wanted me to change but I was reluctant as those were very normal things for me and I started telling him that this relationship is not working.
We are two persons with different mindset and ideologies and since we are unable to reach to a solution over any issue, let’s call it off.
I tried to call this wedding off for like 6 times, but he never agreed to this stating that he loves me and he will change his attitude and will not stop me from doing anything.
Whenever I tried to break up with him he'd start crying, stating things like you are my only happiness in life, and I would die without you and all.
I involved my family into the matter and shared things with them.
They used to call my husband to make him understand my expectations from him.
In front of them my husband used to admit that he would change his behaviour.
He used to stay calm for 5-6 days and then continue with the same attitude.
Basically, it was an on and off behaviour from his side and because of that my behaviour was also affected.
I was trying to see his positive side as he had accepted me with my inability, so he must be a good person.
Somehow, after so many issues, we got married.
After marriage, we went for honeymoon, but he showed a different attitude.
He started insulting me that I stare at other people, including the waiter.
He would fight with me aggressively, and when I cry he'd calm me down stating that this fight is my fault; had I not done this he would not have fought; had I obeyed him he would not have gotten angry. Then he used to make love to me.
For 4 days this happened continuously.
On the 4th day I told him I cannot stand him and bear his mind numbing torture.
If he sees so many flaws in my character we must part our ways, and there is not point of staying together.
He agreed but later he started apologising, asking for another chance to this marriage. I agreed.
But his behaviour didn’t improve much. We used to live with his parents, he started taking active participation in local politics which used to keep him busy.
He started controlling me indirectly for visiting my moms and relatives.
He'd taunt me for not sharing my salary with his parents.
Later I found out his work is not running smooth and he is not making enough.
The issue of staring at men and shaking hands with men while greeting congratulations, was also an issue to him.
He'd remain normal as long as I did things as per his wish.
If I said or did anything opposite, he'd get aggressive and disrespectful towards me.
Love was nowhere around. He never said I am a good looking woman. My husband rarely complimented me though I get many whenever I go out.
He seemed not to be bothered about me except for the time I do something he doesn’t like.
My mom also supported him. His behaviour started taking a toll on my mental condition and I started feeling uncomfortable around him.
I stopped being physical as I was feeling emotionally detached.
The fights had broken me, my bare minimum expectations were not fulfilled.
My husband also broke relations with my family and was disrespectful to them.
Initially he had promised that I will be free to visit my mom whenever I want and he will not seek my salary ever or doubt my character, but nothing turned to be true.
After 4 months of torture, I came to my mom's place and told my husband that I cannot live with him.
I actually feel much better without him. As soon as he knew that I am leaving him he has surrendered and is admitting that he made mistakes and doesn’t want to lose me.
He says I am his only hope in life and he loves me a lot and can’t live without me.
He does the same emotional drama every time I try to part ways with him.
My family is pressurising me to give him another chance. But my trust is shattered beyond repair.
He made my cry, he pushed me into depression.
I do not respect him. He accepted me with my inability, but I feel he never liked the real me.
He is not ready to admit this fact that we have not been good for each other.
To me he seems like a male chauvinist, a dominating and controlling person.
He stays grumpy most of the time, behaves well with others but is arrogant with family members.
What do I do? I am in utter confusion, I am unable to force myself into a love-less marriage and my family and husband doesn’t understand it.
(I am a government officer and my husband runs a small business)

Ans:

Dear MK,

This is a classic case of crying out, blaming the spouse for the crying and sending her on a guilt trip, promising to do better, not following through and when she walks out, crying out again.

It's cyclical and traps you within in the loop.

He really needs to work out his stuff with a professional, else this is going to be something that you have to deal with repeatedly.

To not be able to take responsibility for his actions, shifting blame onto you, acting insecure and preventing you from leading your life the way that you are used to -- like talking to your family and friends -- are all red flags.

Step up, take charge and suggest that he goes to a professional if he wants the marriage to work.

If he doesn’t and continues the same way, you know what you must do to secure yourself and your life.

All the best!

    (more)
    Anu

    Anu Krishna1026 Answers  |Ask -

    Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Aug 05, 2022

    Asked on - Aug 05, 2022Hindi

    Relationship
    I want to keep it anonymous.
    I am a 30 years old independent woman married for 5 months only.
    My husband and I were in same college but were not friends.
    He had been approaching me for getting married since 2017, but every time I had rejected his proposal, later in February, 2021 I talked to him openly and mentioned my inability to conceive if we get married.
    To which his response was that he really liked me and is ready to accept me with my inability.
    I made our families met and we got engaged.
    During the one year of courtship period, initial 4-5 months were peaceful, but he and I were missing a bond, yet we thought may be with time we will find it.
    After the initial phase as we started meeting for family functions.
    He started finding flaws in me. Things like, I stare at other men when I go out, I don’t give him priority, why do I talk to any male friend beyond necessity, why do I praise my senior at office parties etc.
    He started controlling me in these areas and used to get angry if I talk to my siblings late night.
    I started feeling trapped and suffocated, and always under the fear that any of my action could make my husband angry.
    In that anger he seemed like a very different person, someone aggressive.
    We started fighting, arguing over petty things.
    He wanted me to change but I was reluctant as those were very normal things for me and I started telling him that this relationship is not working.
    We are two persons with different mindset and ideologies and since we are unable to reach to a solution over any issue, let’s call it off.
    I tried to call this wedding off for like 6 times, but he never agreed to this stating that he loves me and he will change his attitude and will not stop me from doing anything.
    Whenever I tried to break up with him he'd start crying, stating things like you are my only happiness in life, and I would die without you and all.
    I involved my family into the matter and shared things with them.
    They used to call my husband to make him understand my expectations from him.
    In front of them my husband used to admit that he would change his behaviour.
    He used to stay calm for 5-6 days and then continue with the same attitude.
    Basically, it was an on and off behaviour from his side and because of that my behaviour was also affected.
    I was trying to see his positive side as he had accepted me with my inability, so he must be a good person.
    Somehow, after so many issues, we got married.
    After marriage, we went for honeymoon, but he showed a different attitude.
    He started insulting me that I stare at other people, including the waiter.
    He would fight with me aggressively, and when I cry he'd calm me down stating that this fight is my fault; had I not done this he would not have fought; had I obeyed him he would not have gotten angry. Then he used to make love to me.
    For 4 days this happened continuously.
    On the 4th day I told him I cannot stand him and bear his mind numbing torture.
    If he sees so many flaws in my character we must part our ways, and there is not point of staying together.
    He agreed but later he started apologising, asking for another chance to this marriage. I agreed.
    But his behaviour didn’t improve much. We used to live with his parents, he started taking active participation in local politics which used to keep him busy.
    He started controlling me indirectly for visiting my moms and relatives.
    He'd taunt me for not sharing my salary with his parents.
    Later I found out his work is not running smooth and he is not making enough.
    The issue of staring at men and shaking hands with men while greeting congratulations, was also an issue to him.
    He'd remain normal as long as I did things as per his wish.
    If I said or did anything opposite, he'd get aggressive and disrespectful towards me.
    Love was nowhere around. He never said I am a good looking woman. My husband rarely complimented me though I get many whenever I go out.
    He seemed not to be bothered about me except for the time I do something he doesn’t like.
    My mom also supported him. His behaviour started taking a toll on my mental condition and I started feeling uncomfortable around him.
    I stopped being physical as I was feeling emotionally detached.
    The fights had broken me, my bare minimum expectations were not fulfilled.
    My husband also broke relations with my family and was disrespectful to them.
    Initially he had promised that I will be free to visit my mom whenever I want and he will not seek my salary ever or doubt my character, but nothing turned to be true.
    After 4 months of torture, I came to my mom's place and told my husband that I cannot live with him.
    I actually feel much better without him. As soon as he knew that I am leaving him he has surrendered and is admitting that he made mistakes and doesn’t want to lose me.
    He says I am his only hope in life and he loves me a lot and can’t live without me.
    He does the same emotional drama every time I try to part ways with him.
    My family is pressurising me to give him another chance. But my trust is shattered beyond repair.
    He made my cry, he pushed me into depression.
    I do not respect him. He accepted me with my inability, but I feel he never liked the real me.
    He is not ready to admit this fact that we have not been good for each other.
    To me he seems like a male chauvinist, a dominating and controlling person.
    He stays grumpy most of the time, behaves well with others but is arrogant with family members.
    What do I do? I am in utter confusion, I am unable to force myself into a love-less marriage and my family and husband doesn’t understand it.
    (I am a government officer and my husband runs a small business)

    (more)
    Anu

    Anu Krishna1026 Answers  |Ask -

    Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Aug 05, 2022

    Asked on - Aug 05, 2022Hindi

    Relationship
    I want to keep it anonymous.
    I am a 30 years old independent woman married for 5 months only.
    My husband and I were in same college but were not friends.
    He had been approaching me for getting married since 2017, but every time I had rejected his proposal, later in February, 2021 I talked to him openly and mentioned my inability to conceive if we get married.
    To which his response was that he really liked me and is ready to accept me with my inability.
    I made our families met and we got engaged.
    During the one year of courtship period, initial 4-5 months were peaceful, but he and I were missing a bond, yet we thought may be with time we will find it.
    After the initial phase as we started meeting for family functions.
    He started finding flaws in me. Things like, I stare at other men when I go out, I don’t give him priority, why do I talk to any male friend beyond necessity, why do I praise my senior at office parties etc.
    He started controlling me in these areas and used to get angry if I talk to my siblings late night.
    I started feeling trapped and suffocated, and always under the fear that any of my action could make my husband angry.
    In that anger he seemed like a very different person, someone aggressive.
    We started fighting, arguing over petty things.
    He wanted me to change but I was reluctant as those were very normal things for me and I started telling him that this relationship is not working.
    We are two persons with different mindset and ideologies and since we are unable to reach to a solution over any issue, let’s call it off.
    I tried to call this wedding off for like 6 times, but he never agreed to this stating that he loves me and he will change his attitude and will not stop me from doing anything.
    Whenever I tried to break up with him he'd start crying, stating things like you are my only happiness in life, and I would die without you and all.
    I involved my family into the matter and shared things with them.
    They used to call my husband to make him understand my expectations from him.
    In front of them my husband used to admit that he would change his behaviour.
    He used to stay calm for 5-6 days and then continue with the same attitude.
    Basically, it was an on and off behaviour from his side and because of that my behaviour was also affected.
    I was trying to see his positive side as he had accepted me with my inability, so he must be a good person.
    Somehow, after so many issues, we got married.
    After marriage, we went for honeymoon, but he showed a different attitude.
    He started insulting me that I stare at other people, including the waiter.
    He would fight with me aggressively, and when I cry he'd calm me down stating that this fight is my fault; had I not done this he would not have fought; had I obeyed him he would not have gotten angry. Then he used to make love to me.
    For 4 days this happened continuously.
    On the 4th day I told him I cannot stand him and bear his mind numbing torture.
    If he sees so many flaws in my character we must part our ways, and there is not point of staying together.
    He agreed but later he started apologising, asking for another chance to this marriage. I agreed.
    But his behaviour didn’t improve much. We used to live with his parents, he started taking active participation in local politics which used to keep him busy.
    He started controlling me indirectly for visiting my moms and relatives.
    He'd taunt me for not sharing my salary with his parents.
    Later I found out his work is not running smooth and he is not making enough.
    The issue of staring at men and shaking hands with men while greeting congratulations, was also an issue to him.
    He'd remain normal as long as I did things as per his wish.
    If I said or did anything opposite, he'd get aggressive and disrespectful towards me.
    Love was nowhere around. He never said I am a good looking woman. My husband rarely complimented me though I get many whenever I go out.
    He seemed not to be bothered about me except for the time I do something he doesn’t like.
    My mom also supported him. His behaviour started taking a toll on my mental condition and I started feeling uncomfortable around him.
    I stopped being physical as I was feeling emotionally detached.
    The fights had broken me, my bare minimum expectations were not fulfilled.
    My husband also broke relations with my family and was disrespectful to them.
    Initially he had promised that I will be free to visit my mom whenever I want and he will not seek my salary ever or doubt my character, but nothing turned to be true.
    After 4 months of torture, I came to my mom's place and told my husband that I cannot live with him.
    I actually feel much better without him. As soon as he knew that I am leaving him he has surrendered and is admitting that he made mistakes and doesn’t want to lose me.
    He says I am his only hope in life and he loves me a lot and can’t live without me.
    He does the same emotional drama every time I try to part ways with him.
    My family is pressurising me to give him another chance. But my trust is shattered beyond repair.
    He made my cry, he pushed me into depression.
    I do not respect him. He accepted me with my inability, but I feel he never liked the real me.
    He is not ready to admit this fact that we have not been good for each other.
    To me he seems like a male chauvinist, a dominating and controlling person.
    He stays grumpy most of the time, behaves well with others but is arrogant with family members.
    What do I do? I am in utter confusion, I am unable to force myself into a love-less marriage and my family and husband doesn’t understand it.
    (I am a government officer and my husband runs a small business)

    Ans:

    Dear MK,

    This is a classic case of crying out, blaming the spouse for the crying and sending her on a guilt trip, promising to do better, not following through and when she walks out, crying out again.

    It's cyclical and traps you within in the loop.

    He really needs to work out his stuff with a professional, else this is going to be something that you have to deal with repeatedly.

    To not be able to take responsibility for his actions, shifting blame onto you, acting insecure and preventing you from leading your life the way that you are used to -- like talking to your family and friends -- are all red flags.

    Step up, take charge and suggest that he goes to a professional if he wants the marriage to work.

    If he doesn’t and continues the same way, you know what you must do to secure yourself and your life.

    All the best!

    (more)
    Anu

    Anu Krishna1026 Answers  |Ask -

    Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jul 22, 2022

    Asked on - Jul 22, 2022Hindi

    Listen
    Relationship
    Hello Anu,
    Pls help. I am in a lot of mental trauma right now. I wrote to you earlier but my article was not published.
    I am a 36 years male married for the last 7 years with 2 kids. Last year when I was alone and my family was at my native place, I got close to one of my female school friends who is single. We came close and talked a lot. Gradually I fell in love and gifted her close to Rs 2 lakhs rupees to fulfil her shopping and household expenses. On realising that I am being trapped with no future in sight, I asked to return my money. This infuriated the girl and she abused me citing that I am making fun of her poverty and all. I understood the situation and told her to just return Rs 25k and stop. Thereafter we started talking again but obviously the intensity reduced. Over the last 8 months, my family is back and I cannot get over her. I constantly try to ping or call her but 90% of the time she doesn’t respond. I recently sent her Rs 15k for her birthday which she accepted after initial refusal. Now when I messaged her to know how her day was, she really got angry and blocked me on all social media platforms. I reached out to her sister to assuage her and apologize. She called and really abused me citing the constant family surveillance she is under. I promised I won’t text or call her for the next 2 months. Now I don’t know what to do. Should I ask her or her sister for the money to be returned if this escalates? Because she warned me that she would report to the police if I don’t stop messaging. She fears that family members know about me. She doesn’t have parents but is under constant family surveillance. Pls suggest the next course of action. Should I cut her off completely and risk losing the 2 lakhs and gain my mental peace or try to communicate intermittently? The day she abused me I really lost my mental peace. Pls advice.

    Ans:

    Dear MK,

    What advice can I give you when the solution is right in front of you?

    She wants to get your attention and fulfil her monetary needs; that’s all, Doesn’t that tell you anything? And when you try and contact her, she says that she is under surveillance.

    How much of this has affected your marriage? What exactly was the need to step out of marriage for this attention?

    Sometimes, we fancy things that are prohibited and this happens when we do not feel grateful with what we have and constantly chase what we don’t have. Time to work on your marriage?

    Start first by loving yourself as this will tell you how much ignoring oneself can cause havoc in core relationships. Why should your wife bear the brunt of what’s going on? Your full commitment

    is what she seeks and here you are mulling over a relationship that is based on selfishness and need-basis.

    Can you please re-evaluate what your priorities are and put your life back in order?

    Do this for yourself and your family…Your work, health and state of mind will start to improve. It’s time you took charge and I am sure you know how to do this.

    All the best!

    (more)
    DISCLAIMER: The content of this post by the expert is the personal view of the rediffGURU. Investment in securities market are subject to market risks. Read all the related document carefully before investing. The securities quoted are for illustration only and are not recommendatory. Users are advised to pursue the information provided by the rediffGURU only as a source of information and as a point of reference and to rely on their own judgement when making a decision. RediffGURUS is an intermediary as per India's Information Technology Act.

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