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Anu Krishna |839 Answers |Ask -Follow

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Dec 13, 2023

Anu Krishna is a mind coach and relationship expert.
The co-founder of Unfear Changemakers LLP, she has received her neuro linguistic programming training from National Federation of NeuroLinguistic Programming, USA, and her energy work specialisation from the Institute for Inner Studies, Manila.
She is an executive member of the Indian Association of Adolescent Health.... more

Asked by Anonymous - Nov 04, 2023Hindi

Hi I'm marriwd for 13 yrs...now a stage of seperation has come in life...to start with got married in 2010.. Thouhh we are of same caste n language but I was totally born and brought up in north and he pure typical South Indian...it was arrange marriage with not much talks between n soon happened marriage after marriage there was no physical relationship after just very hardly 2+times not with any int that also ..innone half month caught his one affair n then multiple affairs after that also...but always have insulted me for not being good looking(trust me there are people who r just behind me for being good looking )i dont earn properly nor helpful in financial nor cook proper as I'm from north my pref is north but his south but still learnt n kept cooking...but never ever appreciated..after 2-half yrs of marriage planned for baby through IVF not natural gave some lies reason to hospital n did artificial pregnancy n told me I don't want have relation with u n have my stress...somehow I have now a daughter who is 10 yrs..after pregnancy I gained lotta weight from 55 I shooted to 80 n again his insult comparison started ..over period of years I lost my weight n became much more good looking than before now I have weight before marriage also...came down to 52 ... vacation takes once a year 2-3 days Max to Goa only Goa no othe eplace have seen...there also keeps on sleepin for most of time if asked to go out tells came for relaxin not roamin food also have to fight...I jus go for daughter sake and like the place...also I have caught him in his bag keeping and still using tabltes like viagara sedenefil tradamol etc but where he goes n has relation God knows is very egositic jus treat me like slave I should jus clean house cook not spend n earn also n not go out creates huge ruckus if go for bday party or function also nevertheless I go ...off lately I lost my way also had a emotional attachment with a man who understood me n tri d to help financialy n eveyway which husband caught hold off n startwe torturing me n blamin me I'm not proper I'm dirty women this that but I blamed him when husband is not doin role of husband what I should do ..also one more fact when they married thier family lies about his first divorce hid and married which I got to know after my kid...still never accepts his fault n when I pin pointed his defects and his affairs n everything he tells he can do anythin doesn't mean I can do anything I want...now parents side they r supporting me for divorce but thier behaviour is also very dominant n order kind if I losten like goat they wil do else they r some super special PPL change like wind ...bit for sometime untill settle I have to be there...coming to maintenance fee and all husband keeps blackmailing I have proof of ur affair I can show to court but I'm not doin do mutual n agree for amount he tells not what I ask..he has never told his real salary till now to me n tells will give 15k per month n my demand is 25k coz daughter is also with me n I don't wnat to depened on money of parent I wil woke too but I'm not so high qualified ...pls tell me I should divorce n lead life seperate I tried to calm down situation but no responses from him last six month back I had left n gone my relative talked n tried teo reconcile took me back but after comin last 5months has not spoken a single word nor gave one rupee also to me...

Ans: Dear Anonymous,
Your husband does not seem like a person who is stable or can offer stability. And this is evident in his behavior of the past many years. So, if you are someone who seeks security and stability within a marriage, I am sure you know what is the right decision to make regarding the marriage.
If you decide that stepping out of this marriage is the right thing, kindly hire the services of a lawyer who can draw up the terms of separation that will secure your daughter's future as well. In the meantime, start searching as to what work you can do...start with something small and many doors will start to open up. Work from home (with the skill sets that you have) can be a good option. Financial independence will go a long way in helping you stand on your feet and also bring in a lot of confidence that you actually need.
Whether you choose to continue in the marriage or not, you identity is something that you must focus on. It helps you to be firm and strong. So, focus on yourself and create a stronger self.

All the best!

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Anu Krishna |839 Answers |Ask -Follow

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jun 08, 2022

Question by SB - Jun 08, 2022Hindi

Hi Anu, 10+yrs of marriage with 9yr child. I am working and all financial burden is on me. I shifted separately from in-laws' house due to financial constraints and expectations. Though elder-in-law, my in-laws didn't try to stop our decision to move separately despite knowing that my hubby doesn't earn a single penny. They expected and I had to share financial expenses with my marginal income 10 years ago. After 5 years, we moved nearby and purchased our own house very little help from in-laws. I took loan and managed the rest with help from my family and friends. In between a lot happened. My father-in-law expired and my mother-in-law is a cancer patient. My mother-in-law started expecting from my hubby and me, probably because her younger son shifted with her family. She didn't want to live with them due to differences with her wife. She complained to my husband that we are not good enough to take care of her. I already had a lot of burden from office so I told my husband to take care of our child as well for sometime. He was quite depressed and frustrated with his inability to earn. Already lot of my hard-earned money has been put in his work n wasted.Now, the real problem during these difficult times began when we started fighting. I had lot of office stress and after mother in law complained, she shifted with her other son. At times, I got frustrated with my child also due to the whole mess, financial burden. I felt like all my hard earned money was wasted due to office stress and my hubby's irresponsible behaviour. He did not even take care of my child’s studies. He started watching porn... I saw him twice and even warned him. My husband started cheating on me with our maid. He did it when he was stressed because I was not able to give him time. I confronted him and since then it has been an emotional trauma. I am yet to accept it. 9 months have been passed. We decided on certain things but I couldn’t accept it.. Due to our emotional bond, I gave him another chance... During that time he accepted and was ready to leave everything and wanted me to be happy. He said he committed a big mistake but recently I found he called that b**ch later. When I confronted him he said he’d advised not to come home in front of his family members. I decided it would be best for him to move out and work from another place. My MIL was living with me but then I felt it too much at times.. now somewhat even my child has emotionally detached from him. It’s the same with him as we've been staying separately from 7 months. He visited 3 times during puja and other needs. I feel emotionally detached and I can’t digest the family situation.Sometimes I feel it's difficult to find the courage to avoid all and live alone. What's the point in living in a marriage for sake of it without having any emotional, physical, financial dependency or security?I am 39 and earn a decent salary at this moment. But I am not sure of my future as I work in a private firm. I am worried about my child’s education, old age, financial insecurity and burden. I haven’t been able to save much because of our financial liabilities and husband’s investments in businesses that never materialised.Before this incident, my husband supported me in my career and also to bring up our child. But what happened is too much and unexpected. Any suggestions?

Ans:

Dear SB,

You have simply allowed people to feed off your emotions, money and time. You want to continue being nice and do this?

See what you have asked me: What's the point in living in a marriage for sake of it without having any emotional, physical, financial dependency or security?