Hi, I am a 38 year n married since 7 yrs. Its a love at first sight for me & he had a severe break up before our marriage. My husband is a person of heart & philosophy. His philosophy was not to talk to opposite gender, not having male friends etc which he had clarified before marriage. As I am not good at introspection I couldn't understand the depth of his philosophy. Due to that he thought I have broken his trust by talking to other gender. I know I am talking casually without any feelings. I tried a lot to explain him but he is not ready to accept it. Now he is saying I have changed & I expect you to not break my trust again. And also he has admitted that its a genetic issue that he was a suspicious mindset like his father with whom we were staying earlier days of our marriage, We got married in a spiritual institution. Due to the struggle & pain he went through in the cult he left the cult & became an atheist & now he wants me to leave it. I am very stubborn & an independent lady, I love him but due to such forcing behavior of him, many times I have threatened him to go for a divorce. But my mind & heart doesn't allow me to separate from him & meanwhile my heart is not allowing me to leave the spiritual practice which gives me the inner peace & an ultimate happiness. Please guide. I am completely confused.
Ans: Dear Pramila,
Let's get some facts straight here:
1. Spirituality does not force any ideologies or binds you to it. So, if you feel forced by any spiritual practice, then let it go...BUT if it gives you something of value in return, by all means pursue it.
2. When your husband admitted that his mistrusting nature must be genetic, are you actually going to believe that? It's a choice that he has made to not want to trust you
3. What trust has been broken according to him? The fact that you spoke with someone of the opposite gender? For all the independence that you talk of, how free and liberated do you feel here?
Yes, i do agree it takes a moment to make the decision to break a relationship but certainly if you want to continue, you may want to reset the boundaries and use your stubborn nature to be assertive as you nurture the relationship. But do become aware that it works both ways. So if your husband is still playing the blame-game, you might want to rework how to be your own person, have your thoughts and ideas and yet be a part of the marriage. Watch his reactions and if it's still regressive, you have a lot of work to do there!
All the best!
