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Anu Krishna  |1328 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Aug 05, 2022

Anu Krishna is a mind coach and relationship expert.
The co-founder of Unfear Changemakers LLP, she has received her neuro linguistic programming training from National Federation of NeuroLinguistic Programming, USA, and her energy work specialisation from the Institute for Inner Studies, Manila.
She is an executive member of the Indian Association of Adolescent Health.... more
MK Question by MK on Aug 05, 2022Hindi
Relationship

I want to keep it anonymous.
I am a 30 years old independent woman married for 5 months only.
My husband and I were in same college but were not friends.
He had been approaching me for getting married since 2017, but every time I had rejected his proposal, later in February, 2021 I talked to him openly and mentioned my inability to conceive if we get married.
To which his response was that he really liked me and is ready to accept me with my inability.
I made our families met and we got engaged.
During the one year of courtship period, initial 4-5 months were peaceful, but he and I were missing a bond, yet we thought may be with time we will find it.
After the initial phase as we started meeting for family functions.
He started finding flaws in me. Things like, I stare at other men when I go out, I don’t give him priority, why do I talk to any male friend beyond necessity, why do I praise my senior at office parties etc.
He started controlling me in these areas and used to get angry if I talk to my siblings late night.
I started feeling trapped and suffocated, and always under the fear that any of my action could make my husband angry.
In that anger he seemed like a very different person, someone aggressive.
We started fighting, arguing over petty things.
He wanted me to change but I was reluctant as those were very normal things for me and I started telling him that this relationship is not working.
We are two persons with different mindset and ideologies and since we are unable to reach to a solution over any issue, let’s call it off.
I tried to call this wedding off for like 6 times, but he never agreed to this stating that he loves me and he will change his attitude and will not stop me from doing anything.
Whenever I tried to break up with him he'd start crying, stating things like you are my only happiness in life, and I would die without you and all.
I involved my family into the matter and shared things with them.
They used to call my husband to make him understand my expectations from him.
In front of them my husband used to admit that he would change his behaviour.
He used to stay calm for 5-6 days and then continue with the same attitude.
Basically, it was an on and off behaviour from his side and because of that my behaviour was also affected.
I was trying to see his positive side as he had accepted me with my inability, so he must be a good person.
Somehow, after so many issues, we got married.
After marriage, we went for honeymoon, but he showed a different attitude.
He started insulting me that I stare at other people, including the waiter.
He would fight with me aggressively, and when I cry he'd calm me down stating that this fight is my fault; had I not done this he would not have fought; had I obeyed him he would not have gotten angry. Then he used to make love to me.
For 4 days this happened continuously.
On the 4th day I told him I cannot stand him and bear his mind numbing torture.
If he sees so many flaws in my character we must part our ways, and there is not point of staying together.
He agreed but later he started apologising, asking for another chance to this marriage. I agreed.
But his behaviour didn’t improve much. We used to live with his parents, he started taking active participation in local politics which used to keep him busy.
He started controlling me indirectly for visiting my moms and relatives.
He'd taunt me for not sharing my salary with his parents.
Later I found out his work is not running smooth and he is not making enough.
The issue of staring at men and shaking hands with men while greeting congratulations, was also an issue to him.
He'd remain normal as long as I did things as per his wish.
If I said or did anything opposite, he'd get aggressive and disrespectful towards me.
Love was nowhere around. He never said I am a good looking woman. My husband rarely complimented me though I get many whenever I go out.
He seemed not to be bothered about me except for the time I do something he doesn’t like.
My mom also supported him. His behaviour started taking a toll on my mental condition and I started feeling uncomfortable around him.
I stopped being physical as I was feeling emotionally detached.
The fights had broken me, my bare minimum expectations were not fulfilled.
My husband also broke relations with my family and was disrespectful to them.
Initially he had promised that I will be free to visit my mom whenever I want and he will not seek my salary ever or doubt my character, but nothing turned to be true.
After 4 months of torture, I came to my mom's place and told my husband that I cannot live with him.
I actually feel much better without him. As soon as he knew that I am leaving him he has surrendered and is admitting that he made mistakes and doesn’t want to lose me.
He says I am his only hope in life and he loves me a lot and can’t live without me.
He does the same emotional drama every time I try to part ways with him.
My family is pressurising me to give him another chance. But my trust is shattered beyond repair.
He made my cry, he pushed me into depression.
I do not respect him. He accepted me with my inability, but I feel he never liked the real me.
He is not ready to admit this fact that we have not been good for each other.
To me he seems like a male chauvinist, a dominating and controlling person.
He stays grumpy most of the time, behaves well with others but is arrogant with family members.
What do I do? I am in utter confusion, I am unable to force myself into a love-less marriage and my family and husband doesn’t understand it.
(I am a government officer and my husband runs a small business)

Ans:

Dear MK,

This is a classic case of crying out, blaming the spouse for the crying and sending her on a guilt trip, promising to do better, not following through and when she walks out, crying out again.

It's cyclical and traps you within in the loop.

He really needs to work out his stuff with a professional, else this is going to be something that you have to deal with repeatedly.

To not be able to take responsibility for his actions, shifting blame onto you, acting insecure and preventing you from leading your life the way that you are used to -- like talking to your family and friends -- are all red flags.

Step up, take charge and suggest that he goes to a professional if he wants the marriage to work.

If he doesn’t and continues the same way, you know what you must do to secure yourself and your life.

All the best!

You may like to see similar questions and answers below

Anu

Anu Krishna  |1328 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Aug 05, 2022

Relationship
I want to keep it anonymous.I am a 30 years old independent woman married for 5 months only.My husband and I were in same college but were not friends.He had been approaching me for getting married since 2017, but every time I had rejected his proposal, later in February, 2021 I talked to him openly and mentioned my inability to conceive if we get married.To which his response was that he really liked me and is ready to accept me with my inability.I made our families met and we got engaged.During the one year of courtship period, initial 4-5 months were peaceful, but he and I were missing a bond, yet we thought may be with time we will find it.After the initial phase as we started meeting for family functions.He started finding flaws in me. Things like, I stare at other men when I go out, I don’t give him priority, why do I talk to any male friend beyond necessity, why do I praise my senior at office parties etc.He started controlling me in these areas and used to get angry if I talk to my siblings late night.I started feeling trapped and suffocated, and always under the fear that any of my action could make my husband angry.In that anger he seemed like a very different person, someone aggressive.We started fighting, arguing over petty things.He wanted me to change but I was reluctant as those were very normal things for me and I started telling him that this relationship is not working.We are two persons with different mindset and ideologies and since we are unable to reach to a solution over any issue, let’s call it off.I tried to call this wedding off for like 6 times, but he never agreed to this stating that he loves me and he will change his attitude and will not stop me from doing anything.Whenever I tried to break up with him he'd start crying, stating things like you are my only happiness in life, and I would die without you and all.I involved my family into the matter and shared things with them.They used to call my husband to make him understand my expectations from him.In front of them my husband used to admit that he would change his behaviour.He used to stay calm for 5-6 days and then continue with the same attitude.Basically, it was an on and off behaviour from his side and because of that my behaviour was also affected.I was trying to see his positive side as he had accepted me with my inability, so he must be a good person.Somehow, after so many issues, we got married.After marriage, we went for honeymoon, but he showed a different attitude.He started insulting me that I stare at other people, including the waiter.He would fight with me aggressively, and when I cry he'd calm me down stating that this fight is my fault; had I not done this he would not have fought; had I obeyed him he would not have gotten angry. Then he used to make love to me.For 4 days this happened continuously.On the 4th day I told him I cannot stand him and bear his mind numbing torture.If he sees so many flaws in my character we must part our ways, and there is not point of staying together.He agreed but later he started apologising, asking for another chance to this marriage. I agreed.But his behaviour didn’t improve much. We used to live with his parents, he started taking active participation in local politics which used to keep him busy.He started controlling me indirectly for visiting my moms and relatives.He'd taunt me for not sharing my salary with his parents.Later I found out his work is not running smooth and he is not making enough.The issue of staring at men and shaking hands with men while greeting congratulations, was also an issue to him.He'd remain normal as long as I did things as per his wish.If I said or did anything opposite, he'd get aggressive and disrespectful towards me.Love was nowhere around. He never said I am a good looking woman. My husband rarely complimented me though I get many whenever I go out.He seemed not to be bothered about me except for the time I do something he doesn’t like.My mom also supported him. His behaviour started taking a toll on my mental condition and I started feeling uncomfortable around him.I stopped being physical as I was feeling emotionally detached.The fights had broken me, my bare minimum expectations were not fulfilled.My husband also broke relations with my family and was disrespectful to them.Initially he had promised that I will be free to visit my mom whenever I want and he will not seek my salary ever or doubt my character, but nothing turned to be true.After 4 months of torture, I came to my mom's place and told my husband that I cannot live with him.I actually feel much better without him. As soon as he knew that I am leaving him he has surrendered and is admitting that he made mistakes and doesn’t want to lose me.He says I am his only hope in life and he loves me a lot and can’t live without me.He does the same emotional drama every time I try to part ways with him.My family is pressurising me to give him another chance. But my trust is shattered beyond repair.He made my cry, he pushed me into depression.I do not respect him. He accepted me with my inability, but I feel he never liked the real me.He is not ready to admit this fact that we have not been good for each other.To me he seems like a male chauvinist, a dominating and controlling person.He stays grumpy most of the time, behaves well with others but is arrogant with family members.What do I do? I am in utter confusion, I am unable to force myself into a love-less marriage and my family and husband doesn’t understand it.(I am a government officer and my husband runs a small business)
Ans:

Dear MK,

This is a classic case of crying out, blaming the spouse for the crying and sending her on a guilt trip, promising to do better, not following through and when she walks out, crying out again.

It's cyclical and traps you within in the loop.

He really needs to work out his stuff with a professional, else this is going to be something that you have to deal with repeatedly.

To not be able to take responsibility for his actions, shifting blame onto you, acting insecure and preventing you from leading your life the way that you are used to -- like talking to your family and friends -- are all red flags.

Step up, take charge and suggest that he goes to a professional if he wants the marriage to work.

If he doesn’t and continues the same way, you know what you must do to secure yourself and your life.

All the best!

    ..Read more

    Anu

    Anu Krishna  |1328 Answers  |Ask -

    Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Aug 05, 2022

    Relationship
    I want to keep it anonymous.I am a 30 years old independent woman married for 5 months only.My husband and I were in same college but were not friends.He had been approaching me for getting married since 2017, but every time I had rejected his proposal, later in February, 2021 I talked to him openly and mentioned my inability to conceive if we get married.To which his response was that he really liked me and is ready to accept me with my inability.I made our families met and we got engaged.During the one year of courtship period, initial 4-5 months were peaceful, but he and I were missing a bond, yet we thought may be with time we will find it.After the initial phase as we started meeting for family functions.He started finding flaws in me. Things like, I stare at other men when I go out, I don’t give him priority, why do I talk to any male friend beyond necessity, why do I praise my senior at office parties etc.He started controlling me in these areas and used to get angry if I talk to my siblings late night.I started feeling trapped and suffocated, and always under the fear that any of my action could make my husband angry.In that anger he seemed like a very different person, someone aggressive.We started fighting, arguing over petty things.He wanted me to change but I was reluctant as those were very normal things for me and I started telling him that this relationship is not working.We are two persons with different mindset and ideologies and since we are unable to reach to a solution over any issue, let’s call it off.I tried to call this wedding off for like 6 times, but he never agreed to this stating that he loves me and he will change his attitude and will not stop me from doing anything.Whenever I tried to break up with him he'd start crying, stating things like you are my only happiness in life, and I would die without you and all.I involved my family into the matter and shared things with them.They used to call my husband to make him understand my expectations from him.In front of them my husband used to admit that he would change his behaviour.He used to stay calm for 5-6 days and then continue with the same attitude.Basically, it was an on and off behaviour from his side and because of that my behaviour was also affected.I was trying to see his positive side as he had accepted me with my inability, so he must be a good person.Somehow, after so many issues, we got married.After marriage, we went for honeymoon, but he showed a different attitude.He started insulting me that I stare at other people, including the waiter.He would fight with me aggressively, and when I cry he'd calm me down stating that this fight is my fault; had I not done this he would not have fought; had I obeyed him he would not have gotten angry. Then he used to make love to me.For 4 days this happened continuously.On the 4th day I told him I cannot stand him and bear his mind numbing torture.If he sees so many flaws in my character we must part our ways, and there is not point of staying together.He agreed but later he started apologising, asking for another chance to this marriage. I agreed.But his behaviour didn’t improve much. We used to live with his parents, he started taking active participation in local politics which used to keep him busy.He started controlling me indirectly for visiting my moms and relatives.He'd taunt me for not sharing my salary with his parents.Later I found out his work is not running smooth and he is not making enough.The issue of staring at men and shaking hands with men while greeting congratulations, was also an issue to him.He'd remain normal as long as I did things as per his wish.If I said or did anything opposite, he'd get aggressive and disrespectful towards me.Love was nowhere around. He never said I am a good looking woman. My husband rarely complimented me though I get many whenever I go out.He seemed not to be bothered about me except for the time I do something he doesn’t like.My mom also supported him. His behaviour started taking a toll on my mental condition and I started feeling uncomfortable around him.I stopped being physical as I was feeling emotionally detached.The fights had broken me, my bare minimum expectations were not fulfilled.My husband also broke relations with my family and was disrespectful to them.Initially he had promised that I will be free to visit my mom whenever I want and he will not seek my salary ever or doubt my character, but nothing turned to be true.After 4 months of torture, I came to my mom's place and told my husband that I cannot live with him.I actually feel much better without him. As soon as he knew that I am leaving him he has surrendered and is admitting that he made mistakes and doesn’t want to lose me.He says I am his only hope in life and he loves me a lot and can’t live without me.He does the same emotional drama every time I try to part ways with him.My family is pressurising me to give him another chance. But my trust is shattered beyond repair.He made my cry, he pushed me into depression.I do not respect him. He accepted me with my inability, but I feel he never liked the real me.He is not ready to admit this fact that we have not been good for each other.To me he seems like a male chauvinist, a dominating and controlling person.He stays grumpy most of the time, behaves well with others but is arrogant with family members.What do I do? I am in utter confusion, I am unable to force myself into a love-less marriage and my family and husband doesn’t understand it.(I am a government officer and my husband runs a small business)

    ..Read more

    Anu

    Anu Krishna  |1328 Answers  |Ask -

    Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Nov 06, 2024

    Asked by Anonymous - Nov 05, 2024Hindi
    Relationship
    Hello, I am a 42 year old woman with a 14 year old boy and a 12 year old girl. Ours was an arranged marriage. I got married at age 23 and my husband is just 2 years older to me. Right from the beginning my husband is great at cooking, household chores etc but never expresses romance openly. I was always a emotional woman who slowly turned to him and stopped expressing my needs well. So far out marriage was great cos I avoided confrontations and arguments. Only thing was he was always a critical person and I am emotional girl . Since I cld not express myself clearly as he never heard me, my communication with him sounded nagging, comparing and complaining. In 2011, he cheated on me and I learnt on his affair. I did not know how to process this phase so immediately forgave him within 2-3 days and even ended up being pregnant with my daughter. However he never used to speak on his past affair not were my feelings resolved. Whenever he would speak rudely or yelled at kids or me for little things, the past trauma would trigger and I would openly remind him of his grave mistake. This went on and he would get agitated and keep quiet. One day he did tell me that lifelong he needs to live with this past of me reminding him. But he has never understood the trauma I have gone through. I have just repressed it all along. Cut short 2024- there is lots of resentment with us. In 2022, I saw messages that he exchanged with another lady colleague on romantic songs , good morning messages and they would casually meet for lunch etc . This time I flew in rage and assumed he has cheated on me again. Told him first time I was a fool who didn't notice things right under my nose and now this is the latest. We had a big fight. I reminded him of his dirty past. At first he looked shocked from these allegations and told me he will clarify everything later. But next day in 2022 , when I asked him, he appeared to be a changed man and sounded more confident that he didn't do anything wrong. I pestered him to take me to office, we went to his office I met this lady and politely told her to stop sending good morning messages to my husband. I indirectly told her I have trust issues because of a past but did not elaborate. My husband who had taken me to the office , later was annoyed because apparently the woman colleague was annoyed about me coming to office and also mentioned about my trust issues. At this point this great husband spilt out to her that he had cheated on me. I never ever disclosed anything to her. Later he messaged me saying he was very annoyed and upset that I disclosed the dirty past to his colleague and if anything happens to his job he will never forgive me. I did tell him I never disclosed but he did not belive me. From 2022 until now we are almost in a silent divorce phase. We sleep in different bedroom and only communicate basic stuff on milk, curd , veggies etc He had never connected to me emotionally and would always get annoyed when I wld cry or show my frustrations. Now after all this he has literally cut me off emotionally. In this period from 2022-till now I did try to get back to normal but his vibes are very negative and disconnected. So even I too started distancing myself. During 2022, after the incident he had mentioned on how it is important to work, ve independent and how he favours open relationships ( non sexually). I was always working but earned lesser and used to depend on him a lot. Now I have changed in these 2 years, I have a better job and am not at all dependent on him emotionally, physically or mentally. Infact I pitch in to our household expenses.Our lives are totally disconnected and we there just for the kids. He cooks for all of us, I take care of remaining chores and help them in their studies . We don't attend family events and this has left many guessing on our status. I have lot of unresolved emotions and since he cannot process my emotions or least interested to hear me out I don't know when I will explode. I am just repressing my feelings and keeping a happy cheerful face for the family and kids. We even went for a vacation for kids sake where we just interacted with kids. Kids know things are not allright and pray for us together. I know this isn't healthy for me and I will invite psychosomatic issues in life later on. I am still attached to him and maybe once he expresses a sorry or a remorse and have a hope we can fall back in love again. Why can he never understand that emotional trauma that I have gone through Inspite of being loyal to him always. For once if he just uses kind words and apologises I will forever love him and forget everything.
    Ans: Dear Anonymous,
    Your husband perhaps is someone who is not great at conflict management; he finds it easier to avoid it and avoidance can mean that he hopes that it will go away or that you will stop talking about it or that he can find ways of actually pinning the blame on you for the way that he is feeling.
    So, you will come across as nagging and may also feel guilty for asking him to listen to the way that you feel about the past incident. This is classic avoidance response from him that will make you wonder of you are actually wrong and at some point you may even start justifying his actions.
    Repression is temporary; eventually all the emotions will collect themselves and hit back when you least expect it. If you want him to hear you and the way you have felt about his cheating, he will again get pushed into an avoidance mode. He has not learned any other way of handling conflicts. So, either you can go to couples counseling together OR you accept this side of him. Sounds too much to do, yeah? But how can you change a person who does not want to change. Some people also cannot express their love the way you have mentioned.
    Since you still love him, I can only assume that the marriage holds a lot of significance for you. Then you can be happy only when he changes OR you accept him... which one seems more doable, start with that first...who knows if an external person like an expert can actually guide the two of you, things may fall in place!
    I would also suggest requesting him for an honest chat where he is also in a space to LISTEN to you...try...

    All the best!
    Anu Krishna
    Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
    Drop in: www.unfear.io
    Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

    ..Read more

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