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Anu

Anu Krishna  |957 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Mar 17, 2022

Anu Krishna is a mind coach and relationship expert.
The co-founder of Unfear Changemakers LLP, she has received her neuro linguistic programming training from National Federation of NeuroLinguistic Programming, USA, and her energy work specialisation from the Institute for Inner Studies, Manila.
She is an executive member of the Indian Association of Adolescent Health.... more
PS Question by PS on Mar 17, 2022Hindi
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Relationship

 Hi, Please guide me. I am into 10 years of married life with a son of 7 years, both are working...
It's an arranged marriage, but we got 6 months to know each other, initially as usual everything seems to be of roses but then comes with reality check..
We both are extremely incompatible.. our views, thoughts, interest, choices never match.
He has the habit of pin pointing on everything I do, it's hard to maintain my calm, as I have to manage school, my son, home everything. He helps in daily chores, we stand together in rough times but otherwise we can't discuss any situation with each other.
My mother in law also emotionally abuses me by hurling cheapest meanest nasty comments.
My parents never listen to me, they expect me to compromise... I'm tired, frustrated.. could you help?

Ans:

Dear PS,

After a few years of marriage, reality can hit hard and then you realize that there are no commonalities between the two of you.

But isn’t that something to celebrate?

We would not be very happy with someone who is just like us. The differences bring in newness and a fresh outlook every moment. So, instead of focusing on the fact that you have nothing in common, why don’t both of you fix your eyes on what is good in the marriage and what each of you bring into each other’s lives?

A marriage therapist can guide you as this is something that they do day in and day out; by bringing awareness to what is beautiful in each other…

And kindly focus on your marriage. Your mother-in-law is simply reacting to the environment in the house and does what she knows.

Sometimes elders do not know the right way to deal with things that they never experienced.

When she sees her son stressed, she might feel it’s because of you and hurl abuses at you.

Each one is dealing with the situation in their own way. I suggest you focus on your marriage that is obviously important to you.

Do remember, storms may lash, but the ones who truly believe in the power of the Sun to relieve them, not only survive but thrive.

So believe that you have the strength to grow out of this and create a beautiful life. And you have mentioned that your husband and you stand together in rough times, so he is anyway going to be with you in this as well. Simply confide in him and grow together.

All the best!

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Anu

Anu Krishna  |957 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jun 24, 2022

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Hi Anu,I m 32 yr old girl and been married in arrange marriage with a guy he is also 32 it's been one year.He is very harsh to talk to and I get usually very hurt because of his words. I always feel like walking out of this marriage for peace. He is very unromantic and ungrateful. On top of this our views on marriage, togetherness and sex are very different. I never had sex with him till now. And I don't feel like having sex with him. There are many fights between us. The way his mother and father talk I feel stuck in my life.There is no progress in career because constantly we are under tensions. My past relationships were very nice and sweet so I always happened to compare him with my ex in my mind. I don't know what happens to me. When he comes close to me I stop talking breaths. We just cuddle each other and hug but other things like kiss and sex I don't feel to have. Please guide me as soon as possible.
Ans:

Dear RJ,

Is there any reason for not wanting to be sexually intimate?

Most often this is linked to some emotional distress or filters in the mind that you are unaware of and which could be interfering in the two of you coming closer together.

A good round of talks with your partner can help you express your exact feelings to him.

What is bothering you, what you feel you don’t receive from him, why is it that you are unable to reciprocate…these are a few things that you can discuss with him.

Also, spending quality time together can ease and spruce up things a bit.

Most often, we love throwing our feelings under the rug pretending that they will go away; but they don’t, they come back to haunt you at times that you least expect them to.

So, when you feel stuck, think of what you can do to get un-stuck? What are all things that you can think, feel and do to free yourself so that you not only feel good, but you also start to focus on things that matter; like for example your career.

Comparing one human to the another and expecting them to change and be someone else; could this be one of the reasons for you to not want the sexual intimacy?

Sex is one of the dimensions in a marriage and it can bring the couple closer.

So rather than thinking of what is going wrong, focus on how you can make things work and enable your partner to join this journey of bringing back finer and joyful moments in a marriage.

Be happy!

..Read more

Anu

Anu Krishna  |957 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jul 22, 2022

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Hi Anu, I got married in Jan 2019 and it was an arranged marriage. Before marriage my husband loved me and we used to meet often and go out. But after marriage i got to know that his parents are extremely controlling and strict, they brainwashed him. A week into marriage we started fighting, and since then it's been a see-saw of love and hate. Soon we found out that he is impotent, but I helped him get over it, be it doctor's appointments or medicine, I took care of everything, it took us a year but we finally consummated our marriage. Then due to covid we moved to my in-laws’ house at his request. And then this marriage became hell to me, my in-laws started verbally abusing me every day though my husband tried to protect me but failed. I thought after the baby they would stop but it got worse so I took my 1-month-old baby and moved into my parents’ house. My husband came and begged me to not leave him, he said we'll move out to our own place. I agreed but then he called and told me that we'll go to another city after a year and I should stay with my mother till that time. BTW I am taking care of the baby all on my own financially, he won't do it unless I start living with him. I am financially independent. I don't know whether I should leave him or not, help?
Ans:

Dear S,

Time this one out! Which means, drop a deadline by having a conversation with your husband as to when your family will finally have a chance to function independently from in-laws or any other external circumstances.

Dropping deadlines means, both of you will be under the pump to put down a plan as to what needs to be done to clear out the existing muck and how beautifully you will create a loving environment for your baby to grow.

Not taking care of the baby or you, is not an option for him; but I guess it has become a convenient arrangement for him as you live with your parents and he does not need to take care of the fights and expenses as well.

This could only mean he is escaping reality and finding peace in avoiding it. Put him in the face of reality and that goes for you as well.

Being too accommodative can also become a habit where you rely on the comfort of what it brings to you; in this case the comfort at your parents' home.

For the sake of the baby, work together as a team and create a beautiful relationship; which will help the baby grow healthy, physically and emotionally.

All the best!

..Read more

Anu

Anu Krishna  |957 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Aug 27, 2021

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Relationship
Dear mam, my husband and I had a love marriage. We dated for five years before getting married and we have been living together for 8 years now. I am working and we have a 5 year old son. He is a very good guy but his parents and relatives who are staying with us are making things difficult for us now. Like you suggested I tried talking to my husband but I feel he is being biased and taken for granted. I tried to adjust and ignore some things but there is a lot of politics going on every day which is affecting both of us. From money issues to privacy and kitchen fights, we are dealing with a lot of things that I am not able to talk and solve. This is affecting my career and my son’s studies too. Every time I start a discussion it leads to a big fight in front of everyone. Ultimately I am cornered and blamed. The patent response is: everyone adjusts. I’m not able to handle it well and no support from anyone. Also I don’t have anyone to talk to whom I can trust. Please help.
Ans: Dear S, Thank you for trying to apply a few of my suggestions. Extended families can be a huge challenge to live with as much as there are advantages as well.

Too much mixing of thoughts and opinions that at times you feel that your thoughts are never valued.

Either, you ease into this and know that this will be your world; which means you start to ‘try’ to become happy which can be stressful.

If this is impossible and you want to change it, then STEP UP for yourself and for your son.

No arguments, no fights, but firmly asserting what you want.

Be kind always no matter what because your husband is just in the midst of his family and the family system that he has been raised with, your protests don’t matter much.

Making your point known doesn't need fights, but reiterating what you want and that your thoughts must be respected.

It’s possible that over a few weeks, this new calm behavior of yours might bring some change in your husband and he may start hearing and listening to what you have to say.

If that doesn’t work, yes you may have to take the help of a professional who will put you two together in a place and become a good third person who will facilitate the communication.

Whatever it is, be kind and calm and I am sure you are…it helps in ‘breaking down’ the stubbornness in other people and they maybe willing to calm down as well.

Be at peace.

..Read more

Anu

Anu Krishna  |957 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Oct 19, 2022

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Hi Anu, I have been reading your articles for quite some time. I am 40 years old in a marriage for last 12 years. I have a 11.5 year old son.My marriage is going through a very rough phase. My husband doesn't leave any chance to abuse me, doesn't matter where and with whom we areMy husband proposed to me knowing I have Vitiligo (discoloration of skin). Plus I was not as rich as him. I did make him aware of this before going ahead. His family was against our marriage still he went ahead. From the day of marriage he suddenly changed, and started abusing me in and out. First I thought my mother-in-law is creating problems which she did every time we came together. Infront of every maid and in the absence of my husband she tried to humiliate me based on my skin condition and financial status. But she'd become caring in his presence.After five years of marriage, for a few years we were away from family. It was peaceful and we had a nice time. But during the lockdown and online school we were back with the same problem. Now the condition is that I cannot stay with my husband. My family is very supportive but suggest that before taking any step I should think of my child. And that we should both sit and talk.If I try talking to my husband I know it will end in a fight. Kindly suggest which way should I go?
Ans:

Dear KB,

Maybe someone from the family or his friends have commented on your condition and made him feel that he made the wrong choice.

Even if it’s that, when he knew and had no objection, what is a man’s word is that he keeps it no matter what!

Now that he has gone back on it, it’s natural for others to take advantage of it and mock you for what the society considers as ‘not beautiful’.

In a way, we are obsessed with some sort of standards for what’s beautiful and what’s not. Beauty standards, you might call it so!

He seems to be a different person with his family and without, it suggests that he may not have a very strong mind to back up the decision of marrying you in the first place possibly against the wishes of his family.

Abuse, at no point is justifiable and you need to take a strong stance and draw a boundary as this is going to continue.

Your family has made a wise suggestion and for the sake of the child, it might be worth the effort to sit down have that chat with your husband however hard that might be.

Do not compromise on the fact that this so-called beauty standards and labels within his family will continue. Be unapologetic about who you are and own your beauty your way.

This is non- negotiable and you need to state this clearly when you have that conversation with him. Period!

All the best!

..Read more

Rishta

Rishta Guru  |7 Answers  |Ask -

Rishta Guru - Answered on Feb 14, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Feb 13, 2024Hindi
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Relationship
I have had an arranged marriage two years ago. My wife was chosen by my mother but now they just don’t like each other. They have nothing in common and are different in every way. I lost my father when I was a child and my mother has brought me up alone. I have no siblings. I love my wife and I love my mother. I want us to stay together as a happy family but I cannot bear the constant arguments and angry words in our home. What should I do?
Ans: Hi there. Thank you for writing in.

I can see that you're feeling distressed, caught between the two most important women in your life. This situation requires delicate navigating, open communication and prioritising your own well-being.

Every family is unique and there's no one-size-fits-all solution. Focus on understanding, respect and finding common ground.
Remember that your wife has come from a different family and is trying to become a part of her new one. She is readjusting every aspect of her life.

At the same time, be respectful of your mother’s beliefs and needs.

Remain patient, communicate openly and seek support when needed.

Here are some suggestions that might help:

a. Open and honest communication

1. Talk to your wife calmly about the situation.

Share your concerns about the tension and express your desire for peace and happiness.

See if she's willing to try to build a more amicable relationship with your mother, even if they don't become best friends.

Encourage her to show respect to your mother while maintaining her own boundaries and identity.

2. Do the same with your mother. Express your love and gratitude for her efforts but also your discomfort with the ongoing conflict.

Encourage her to try understanding your wife's perspective and consider setting boundaries to allow each other space.

b. Focus on respect and understanding

Encourage both your wife and mother to recognise each other's strengths and differences.

Remind them that while everyone does not need to get along perfectly, respect is essential.

Encourage them to focus on appreciating each other's qualities and contributions to the family.

A harmonious family environment benefits everyone, including the next generation (if any).

c. Setting boundaries

Discuss and establish clear boundaries with both your wife and mother regarding acceptable interaction and communication styles.

This could involve avoiding certain topics or having separate conversations when tension arises.

d. Consider involving a trusted elder to mediate between your wife and mother.

e. Remain open to finding compromises that consider everyone's needs and comfort levels.

This may involve adjusting living arrangements, sharing household responsibilities differently or finding common ground about shared activities.

f. This situation won’t have a quick fix so be patient and consistent in your efforts.

Focus on individual accountability; encourage both your wife and mother to take responsibility for their actions and communication styles.

Prioritise respectful co-existence. While a close relationship may not be possible, respectful co-existence is crucial for a peaceful family environment.

Remember, you cannot control their behaviour, but you can control how you react.

..Read more

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Hi sir, my son got 9323 rank in comedk and 23350 rank in KCET. As per last year cutoff he may get Mechanical seat in BMS or MSRIT. Please suggest which one is good for Mechanical engineering
Ans: Both are equally good for Mechanical. Some factors to keep in mind before choosing either college for your Son: (1) Location Preference (2) Will stay in Hostel (or) study as Day Scholar (3) Your affordability for fees (if there is a major difference in fees between these 2 colleges & (4) Availability of transport from your home to college. Whatever Institute / University & Branch your Son chooses, he should keep upgrading his skills from his 1st year itself till his Campus Placement during his last year, from LinkedIn, Coursera, NPTEL, Internshala etc. and / or any other online platforms, recommended by his College Faculties, to be COMPETENT among other Students.

All The BEST for your Son’s Bright Future.

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All The BEST for your Bright Future.

To know more on ‘ Careers | Education | Jobs | Resume Writing | Profile Building | Salary Negotiation Skills | Building Professional LinkedIn Profile | Choosing Right School Board (State | Matriculation | CBSE | ICSE |International Board) | Student Psychological Counselling | Exam Preparation Techniques (Board | Entrance & Competitive)| Job Interview Skills | Skill Upgrading | Parenting & Child Upbringing Skills | Career Transition | Abroad Education | Education Loan (India | Abroad) | Scholarship (India | Abroad)’, please FOLLOW me in RediffGURU here.

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Hi,My son got sandip University nashik cse (AIMl) is it good college to go for his studies or else need to try another colleges in Bangalore??
Ans: Raju Sir, you have asked the need for Bengaluru Colleges. If your son has appeared for COMEDK or any other Private Colleges' its own entrance exams, better he tries through them. It depends upon your son's Rank / Score & the streams he prefers. Recommended before your son goes for Sandip University (if he has no other option, as time is very less now). Whatever Institute / University & Branch your Son chooses, he should keep upgrading his skills from his 1st year itself till his Campus Placement during his last year, from LinkedIn, Coursera, NPTEL, Internshala etc. and / or any other online platforms, recommended by his College Faculties, to be COMPETENT among other Students.

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Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |3754 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Jun 17, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Jun 17, 2024Hindi
Money
I want to invest in 10 L lumpsum for 3-5 years. What is the best strategy for getting good returns (at least 12-15 %)? I want to use this money further for my own business.
Ans: Understanding the Investment Landscape
Investing a lump sum of Rs 10 lakh with the goal of achieving good returns requires a thorough understanding of the investment landscape. Given your objective to use this money for your own business in 3-5 years, it's important to choose a strategy that balances potential returns with acceptable levels of risk.

The Importance of Time Horizon
Your investment time horizon significantly impacts the type of investment strategy you should adopt. While you are considering a 3-5 year period, achieving a 12-15% return may require a slightly longer horizon.

Investing for at least 7 years could better align with your return expectations and allow your investment to ride out market volatility.

Embracing Market Volatility
Investing in the market inherently involves dealing with volatility. Market fluctuations are natural and can impact short-term investment performance.

However, historically, equity markets have shown growth over longer periods, offering potential for substantial returns. Embracing this volatility is crucial to achieving your financial goals.

Benefits of Mutual Funds
Mutual funds offer a diversified investment option that can help mitigate risks while providing exposure to growth opportunities. Actively managed funds, in particular, are managed by professional fund managers who aim to outperform the market by making strategic investment decisions.

Advantages of Actively Managed Funds
Professional Management: Skilled fund managers actively monitor and adjust the portfolio, aiming for higher returns.

Diversification: Mutual funds invest in a variety of assets, reducing the risk associated with individual investments.

Liquidity: Mutual funds offer liquidity, allowing you to redeem your investment when needed.

Transparency: Regular updates and reports keep investors informed about their investments.

Disadvantages of Index Funds
Market Mimicry: Index funds aim to replicate the performance of a specific index, limiting their potential to outperform.

No Active Management: Lack of professional management can lead to missed opportunities in dynamic market conditions.

Limited Flexibility: Index funds follow a predetermined strategy, offering little flexibility in response to market changes.

Benefits of Investing Through Certified Financial Planners
Investing through a Certified Financial Planner (CFP) ensures that your investments are aligned with your financial goals.

CFPs offer personalised advice and can help navigate the complexities of the financial markets.

Advantages of Regular Funds
Expert Guidance: MFDs with CFP credentials provide valuable insights and strategic advice.

Tailored Solutions: Regular funds offer customised investment strategies based on individual goals and risk tolerance.

Support and Service: Professional support for investment decisions and portfolio management.

Holistic Planning: CFPs consider your overall financial situation, ensuring comprehensive financial planning.

Understanding Investment Risks
Every investment carries a certain level of risk. It's crucial to understand and accept these risks when aiming for higher returns.

Types of Risks
Market Risk: The risk of investments declining due to market fluctuations.

Interest Rate Risk: The risk of interest rate changes affecting investment values.

Inflation Risk: The risk of inflation eroding purchasing power over time.

Importance of Staying the Course
Investing with a long-term perspective requires patience and discipline. Market volatility can be unsettling, but staying the course is essential for achieving your investment goals.

Strategies for Staying the Course
Avoid Emotional Decisions: Base your investment decisions on facts and long-term goals, not short-term market movements.

Regular Reviews: Periodically review your investment portfolio to ensure it aligns with your goals and risk tolerance.

Rebalancing: Adjust your portfolio to maintain your desired asset allocation.

Reinvestment Strategies
If you hold LIC, ULIP, or investment-cum-insurance policies, consider evaluating their performance.

Surrendering underperforming policies and reinvesting in mutual funds can potentially yield better returns.

Benefits of Reinvestment
Higher Returns: Mutual funds typically offer higher returns compared to traditional insurance policies.

Flexibility: Reinvestment in mutual funds provides more flexibility and control over your investments.

Cost Efficiency: Mutual funds often have lower costs and fees compared to insurance policies.

Strategic Asset Allocation
Asset allocation is crucial for managing risk and achieving your desired returns. A well-balanced portfolio should include a mix of equity, debt, and other instruments.

Suggested Allocation
Equity Funds: Allocate a significant portion to equity funds for growth potential.

Debt Funds: Include debt funds for stability and regular income.

Hybrid Funds: Consider hybrid funds for a balanced approach to risk and return.

Regular Monitoring and Adjustments
Continuous monitoring and adjustments to your portfolio are necessary to ensure it remains aligned with your financial goals.

Benefits of Regular Monitoring
Performance Tracking: Monitor the performance of your investments regularly.

Timely Adjustments: Make necessary adjustments to optimise returns and manage risks.

Goal Alignment: Ensure your investments remain aligned with your evolving financial goals.

Final Insights
Investing a lump sum of Rs 10 lakh requires careful planning and a strategic approach.

Understanding the investment landscape, embracing market volatility, and opting for actively managed mutual funds are key steps towards achieving your financial goals.

Staying the course, regularly reviewing your portfolio, and seeking professional guidance from a Certified Financial Planner can enhance your investment experience and outcomes. By focusing on a balanced and diversified investment strategy, you can work towards achieving your desired returns while preparing for your business ventures.

Invest wisely, stay informed, and be patient to see your investments grow.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in

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Nayagam P

Nayagam P P  |390 Answers  |Ask -

Career Counsellor - Answered on Jun 17, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Jun 17, 2024Hindi
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Career
Please include one more choice in the selection criteria 1. Vit Vellore CSE in 4th category 2. Pes ec campus CS 3. MIT BANGALORE CSE We are staying in Bangalore, which choice is better and please help with reasoning?
Ans: You have not mentioned in which-all Entrance Exams you appeared (COMEDK \ KCET etc.)? However, order of Preference (1) PES (Electronic City) (2) MIT-Bengaluru (here, however, please note, for some students this is not suitable due to its culture (non-academic / psychological factors). (3) VIT-Vellore (check the fee structure of all 4-years for affordability). If you have appeared in COMEDK & KCET also, find out 1-2 options even the colleges belong to Tier 2 category. Whatever Institute / University / Branch / Domain you choose, keep upgrading your skills from 1st year itself till your Campus Placement during your last year, from LinkedIn, NPTEL, Coursera, Internshala etc. and / or any other online platforms, recommended by your College Faculties, to be COMPETENT among other Students, for jobs.

All The BEST for your Bright Future.
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