I have had an arranged marriage two years ago. My wife was chosen by my mother but now they just don’t like each other. They have nothing in common and are different in every way. I lost my father when I was a child and my mother has brought me up alone. I have no siblings. I love my wife and I love my mother. I want us to stay together as a happy family but I cannot bear the constant arguments and angry words in our home. What should I do?

Ans: Hi there. Thank you for writing in.

I can see that you're feeling distressed, caught between the two most important women in your life. This situation requires delicate navigating, open communication and prioritising your own well-being.

Every family is unique and there's no one-size-fits-all solution. Focus on understanding, respect and finding common ground.
Remember that your wife has come from a different family and is trying to become a part of her new one. She is readjusting every aspect of her life.

At the same time, be respectful of your mother’s beliefs and needs.

Remain patient, communicate openly and seek support when needed.

Here are some suggestions that might help:

a. Open and honest communication

1. Talk to your wife calmly about the situation.

Share your concerns about the tension and express your desire for peace and happiness.

See if she's willing to try to build a more amicable relationship with your mother, even if they don't become best friends.

Encourage her to show respect to your mother while maintaining her own boundaries and identity.

2. Do the same with your mother. Express your love and gratitude for her efforts but also your discomfort with the ongoing conflict.

Encourage her to try understanding your wife's perspective and consider setting boundaries to allow each other space.

b. Focus on respect and understanding

Encourage both your wife and mother to recognise each other's strengths and differences.

Remind them that while everyone does not need to get along perfectly, respect is essential.

Encourage them to focus on appreciating each other's qualities and contributions to the family.

A harmonious family environment benefits everyone, including the next generation (if any).

c. Setting boundaries

Discuss and establish clear boundaries with both your wife and mother regarding acceptable interaction and communication styles.

This could involve avoiding certain topics or having separate conversations when tension arises.

d. Consider involving a trusted elder to mediate between your wife and mother.

e. Remain open to finding compromises that consider everyone's needs and comfort levels.

This may involve adjusting living arrangements, sharing household responsibilities differently or finding common ground about shared activities.

f. This situation won’t have a quick fix so be patient and consistent in your efforts.

Focus on individual accountability; encourage both your wife and mother to take responsibility for their actions and communication styles.

Prioritise respectful co-existence. While a close relationship may not be possible, respectful co-existence is crucial for a peaceful family environment.

Remember, you cannot control their behaviour, but you can control how you react.