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Anu Krishna |1549 Answers |Ask -Follow

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Oct 19, 2022

Anu Krishna is a mind coach and relationship expert.
The co-founder of Unfear Changemakers LLP, she has received her neuro linguistic programming training from National Federation of NeuroLinguistic Programming, USA, and her energy work specialisation from the Institute for Inner Studies, Manila.
She is an executive member of the Indian Association of Adolescent Health.... more

Question by KB on Oct 19, 2022Hindi

Hi Anu, I have been reading your articles for quite some time.
I am 40 years old in a marriage for last 12 years. I have a 11.5 year old son.
My marriage is going through a very rough phase. My husband doesn't leave any chance to abuse me, doesn't matter where and with whom we are
My husband proposed to me knowing I have Vitiligo (discoloration of skin). Plus I was not as rich as him.
I did make him aware of this before going ahead. His family was against our marriage still he went ahead.
From the day of marriage he suddenly changed, and started abusing me in and out.
First I thought my mother-in-law is creating problems which she did every time we came together.
Infront of every maid and in the absence of my husband she tried to humiliate me based on my skin condition and financial status. But she'd become caring in his presence.
After five years of marriage, for a few years we were away from family.
It was peaceful and we had a nice time. But during the lockdown and online school we were back with the same problem. Now the condition is that I cannot stay with my husband.
My family is very supportive but suggest that before taking any step I should think of my child. And that we should both sit and talk.
If I try talking to my husband I know it will end in a fight.
Kindly suggest which way should I go?

Ans:

Dear KB,

Maybe someone from the family or his friends have commented on your condition and made him feel that he made the wrong choice.

Even if it’s that, when he knew and had no objection, what is a man’s word is that he keeps it no matter what!

Now that he has gone back on it, it’s natural for others to take advantage of it and mock you for what the society considers as ‘not beautiful’.

In a way, we are obsessed with some sort of standards for what’s beautiful and what’s not. Beauty standards, you might call it so!

He seems to be a different person with his family and without, it suggests that he may not have a very strong mind to back up the decision of marrying you in the first place possibly against the wishes of his family.

Abuse, at no point is justifiable and you need to take a strong stance and draw a boundary as this is going to continue.

Your family has made a wise suggestion and for the sake of the child, it might be worth the effort to sit down have that chat with your husband however hard that might be.

Do not compromise on the fact that this so-called beauty standards and labels within his family will continue. Be unapologetic about who you are and own your beauty your way.

This is non- negotiable and you need to state this clearly when you have that conversation with him. Period!

All the best!

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Anu Krishna |1549 Answers |Ask -Follow

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jun 08, 2022

Question by SB - Jun 08, 2022Hindi

Hi Anu, 10+yrs of marriage with 9yr child. I am working and all financial burden is on me. I shifted separately from in-laws' house due to financial constraints and expectations. Though elder-in-law, my in-laws didn't try to stop our decision to move separately despite knowing that my hubby doesn't earn a single penny. They expected and I had to share financial expenses with my marginal income 10 years ago. After 5 years, we moved nearby and purchased our own house very little help from in-laws. I took loan and managed the rest with help from my family and friends. In between a lot happened. My father-in-law expired and my mother-in-law is a cancer patient. My mother-in-law started expecting from my hubby and me, probably because her younger son shifted with her family. She didn't want to live with them due to differences with her wife. She complained to my husband that we are not good enough to take care of her. I already had a lot of burden from office so I told my husband to take care of our child as well for sometime. He was quite depressed and frustrated with his inability to earn. Already lot of my hard-earned money has been put in his work n wasted.Now, the real problem during these difficult times began when we started fighting. I had lot of office stress and after mother in law complained, she shifted with her other son. At times, I got frustrated with my child also due to the whole mess, financial burden. I felt like all my hard earned money was wasted due to office stress and my hubby's irresponsible behaviour. He did not even take care of my child’s studies. He started watching porn... I saw him twice and even warned him. My husband started cheating on me with our maid. He did it when he was stressed because I was not able to give him time. I confronted him and since then it has been an emotional trauma. I am yet to accept it. 9 months have been passed. We decided on certain things but I couldn’t accept it.. Due to our emotional bond, I gave him another chance... During that time he accepted and was ready to leave everything and wanted me to be happy. He said he committed a big mistake but recently I found he called that b**ch later. When I confronted him he said he’d advised not to come home in front of his family members. I decided it would be best for him to move out and work from another place. My MIL was living with me but then I felt it too much at times.. now somewhat even my child has emotionally detached from him. It’s the same with him as we've been staying separately from 7 months. He visited 3 times during puja and other needs. I feel emotionally detached and I can’t digest the family situation.Sometimes I feel it's difficult to find the courage to avoid all and live alone. What's the point in living in a marriage for sake of it without having any emotional, physical, financial dependency or security?I am 39 and earn a decent salary at this moment. But I am not sure of my future as I work in a private firm. I am worried about my child’s education, old age, financial insecurity and burden. I haven’t been able to save much because of our financial liabilities and husband’s investments in businesses that never materialised.Before this incident, my husband supported me in my career and also to bring up our child. But what happened is too much and unexpected. Any suggestions?

Ans:

Dear SB,

You have simply allowed people to feed off your emotions, money and time. You want to continue being nice and do this?

See what you have asked me: What's the point in living in a marriage for sake of it without having any emotional, physical, financial dependency or security?

Haven’t you answered yourself already?

Do you want to carry a baggage on your shoulders that clearly isn’t lightening your burden in anyway?

Drop down your financial commitments and plan as to how you will support yourself and your child with your income.

Also, imagine going through life without your husband and if this feels like stress is leaving you, you know how you can live from hereon.

Sometimes, you need to take hard calls and you deserve to live free and happy only if you choose that.

Be well and happy!