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Anu

Anu Krishna  |1394 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jan 08, 2024

Anu Krishna is a mind coach and relationship expert.
The co-founder of Unfear Changemakers LLP, she has received her neuro linguistic programming training from National Federation of NeuroLinguistic Programming, USA, and her energy work specialisation from the Institute for Inner Studies, Manila.
She is an executive member of the Indian Association of Adolescent Health.... more
Shailesh Question by Shailesh on Dec 28, 2023Hindi
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Relationship

Hi. I am 47 year old widower and since last one year I am in love with 20 year old girl. We both are from different states, culture and even our eating habits are. She loves my caring nature and I supported her financially without expecting anything (physical relation). Now we both are serious about marriage. Her parents were initially raised concern about age difference but finally they are agree. But I am bit confused if this much big gap in age will harm our married life. She may realise it after some years. Major problem I see in future when we will think about having child..i am confused.. please advice

Ans: Dear Shailesh,
Yes, the age gap might most likely bother her in a few years when she sees you growing older when she finds a lot of younger men around.
You did mention that her parents are concerned about this alliance BUT what about the girl? What does she think of marriage with you? Since she is young, has she had the time to process if the care that you were showering her with is not actually what she has missed from her parents especially her father? You need to be very careful of this one because she could be projecting her lack of love from her parents onto you and then seek it from you!
And you are right to be concerned about children as well...when you are 60 and wanting to slow down, you might still need to push yourself till the child is at least 20...Do the Math...
Do make the girl aware of these concerns that you have and let her decide for herself independently...You will agree that you cannot become a caring figure in her life rather than a husband.

All the best!

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Anu

Anu Krishna  |1394 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Nov 23, 2022

Relationship
Hi Anu,Myself Praveen. I appreciate your writings on Rediff. First of all thanks for that.I would like to ask guidance or your thoughts on establishing a relationship with my lady friend. I met her 4 years back in my old office and we got in company soon and started talking and somewhat share most of the personal s***s too. I started having feelings for her. I mean I wish to have a marital relationship with her because I am very comfortable with her. But I was unable to make any move or feared of losing her company if I tell her my love.That time I never knew her age. Later I moved from that job to pursue some personal goals so I moved to some other place without the knowledge of my own family. The only person who knew about it was her. She stood with me and emotionally supported me and was knowing that it was my strong wish of having that dream/goal. We were in touch as nice friends. Her phone calls were happy moments for me because I was alone at my new place where I'd gone to pursue my dream. Someday she called me and during call she was upset. That day she shared some of her personal things and during the conversation I realised that she is 8 years older than me and she is at her mid 30s. Firstly, it was like a shock for me. I wondered why a beautiful girl like she not got into a marriage or any other serious relationship still that age. Okay, that doesn't matter me. However, knowing about most of the complexity in this partnership including support from both family or cliche society thoughts; I decided to have her as my life partner. But still I am not able to make a move like that. Somehow, I had to come back to my homeplace and sorry to say that I failed to pursue my goal which was bit depressing. Still I couldn't make a move to talk her about this. I am getting an odd feeling that she treats me as a brother or a nice friend only. I am confused when she calls me bro. Some days ago she told me that I am her good brother. Frankly I don't like her calling me bro. I still love her and I always see her as my life partner.The thing is I fear that I may lose her company if I express my love for her. Also I fear that she may emotionally get low if she really considering me as her brother. I don't want to give her any pain, but meanwhile I couldn't miss her in my life. Nowadays, we rarely talk on phone or meet because some of her professional engagements. That is not a problem for me. I respect her as well as her personal space. Only thing I want is to communicate her about my mind and having a relationship with her. I know she might also be concerned about our age gap as well as what society may say, but I don't care such rubbish. I strongly believe that I can be a great partner. Share your thoughts on making an approach without giving her any emotional pain or trauma.
Ans:

Dear PB,

Thank you for your kind words on my writings and columns. Highly appreciate it.

I cannot assure you of the fact of her not having any emotional reactions. Her reactions are not something that you can control.

The easiest way to resolve this confusion that you are going through is to simply express it. It’s similar to how children are.

Have you seen them say things without a filter and unfazed by how the other person will react?

Then along came the adults and asked them to keep quiet and then the child in us grew up to become a recluse and ignore our own feelings.

I agree there is an etiquette and social norms to be followed as adults but to not be able to express our feelings is nothing but conditioning from our childhood.

And what did it teach us? It taught us to avoid the rejection and ensuing disappointment.

That’s exactly what you are running away from; all the rejection that may happen and the disappointment from that.

But what use is that love if you can’t express it for fear of rejection. If you feel so strongly about it, approach it boldly and very gently.

Yes, it may shock her and it’s possible she has no feelings or sees you as a brother, but at least you know where the connection stands.

Now whether she is going to be hurt or not is a question of how emotionally mature she is.

So, before you start the conversation, do request her to hear you fully and not judge you for your honesty. This may ease her shock and help her respond rather than react to you.

On your part, keep your expectations to a low and smile through the situation. It helps lighten the load that you might be carrying.

All the best!

..Read more

Dr Ashish

Dr Ashish Sehgal  |107 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Mar 11, 2023

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Relationship
Hello, I am 45 yrs old, divorced , in love with 29 yrs old girl. We deeply are in love with each other, however Girl’s Parents are not agreeing to our marriage, citing age gap. It’s been 2.5 yrs, have met her Parents many times at their home. Her Parents consider me as a nice guy , but the age gap factor is not letting them to approve our relationship. Am seriously stressed and want to wary that girl only. Request you to kindly suggest 🙏
Ans: It can be challenging when families do not approve of a relationship due to age differences or other factors. However, it's important to remember that ultimately, the decision to enter into a relationship and get married is a personal one that should be based on the feelings and desires of the two people involved.

It's important to continue to communicate openly and honestly with your girlfriend and her parents about your feelings and intentions. Try to listen to their concerns and address them in a respectful and thoughtful way. It may also be helpful to enlist the support of a neutral third party, such as a family counselor or mediator, who can help facilitate a productive conversation between you and your girlfriend's parents.

However, it's also important to recognize that ultimately, you cannot control the decisions of others. If your girlfriend's parents continue to disapprove of the relationship, it may be necessary to consider whether the relationship is sustainable in the long term. It's important to consider not only your feelings for each other, but also the practical realities of your situation and whether you can build a fulfilling and happy life together despite any external challenges.

Ultimately, it's up to you and your girlfriend to decide what is best for your relationship and your future. It may be helpful to continue to work on building a strong foundation of trust, communication, and mutual support, regardless of the outcome with her parents.

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Ravi

Ravi Mittal  |469 Answers  |Ask -

Dating, Relationships Expert - Answered on Oct 25, 2023

Asked by Anonymous - Oct 24, 2023Hindi
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Relationship
Am 54+ and I am in Love with a Women who is 31 years Younger Than me but, we haven't expressed yet that we love each of us she calls me as Kaka i had helped her during her bad times in 2021 after she had got Covid-19 and her parents don't wanted her to be with her as she approached me and told me to keep her with me for the time being till the situation gets normal after discussion how can I as am married single and alone and my daughter living with my in-laws to accomplish her studies in the mean time the girl have'nt disclosed the age but now when I asked about her age then only she told the age. Now what to do I really love her but am afraid (because of unknown of her age she was Looked like Minor in her behavioral nature) of how to convince that I Love her since last 2 years. We get together in City only for Cafeterias Long Drives and also Am taking the class how to Ride Bike (Scooty). Am her Pillon on Back to control I feel As if am with my Wife as she ( of her Pure and Innocent Soul) is no more since she met with an Fatal Car Accident in 2013. What ot do I don't want to Loose her and also Can't Leave without Her. I Also Insisted her to introduce to Her Parents but she says no. And want to clear that we are not in Physical Relationship only pure Soulful relationship. Pl. Reply GURU
Ans: Dear Anonymous,

From your question, I am assuming that she isn't showing the same interest in you. That makes my advice very simple- please leave her alone. You might feel a hundred things about her, but she might not feel the same way. You have every right to love and be loved, but not with this person whom you think might be too young for you. And even if she reciprocates it someday, I would like for you to understand that she doesn't have the emotional maturity of a full-grown adult. Find someone your age, with your maturity level. Let her be; she has her entire life ahead of her and your feelings will do her no good.

There are plenty of women looking for a genuine relationship. It will certainly be best for both of you if you consider dating those women who can give you the right kind of company and emotional support.

Best Wishes.

..Read more

Latest Questions
Nayagam P

Nayagam P P  |3976 Answers  |Ask -

Career Counsellor - Answered on Dec 16, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Dec 14, 2024Hindi
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Career
Hi Experts, Need your valued advise... My wife completed BSC Computer science in 2022. We got married in the same year and due to pregancy we did not much focussed on her carrer till now as we need to take care of the baby. We would like start her carrer and get a job. What are options we have to explore now considering 2years gap almost. And my wife english fluency is not that good. Could you advise what is the best action we can take to ensure she is not too dependent on everyone. Thanks in advance
Ans: Sir, This is a comprehensive plan to support your wife in resuming her professional career after a two-year break. Begin by evaluating her strengths and interests in Computer Science, such as programming, databases, web development, and digital marketing, among others. Assess her preference for technical roles in comparison to non-technical positions. Concentrate on avenues for improving your skills by looking into budget-friendly online courses.

When it comes to enhancing her English skills, this is the most effective approach. Instruct her to start with the fundamental 12 Tenses: Simple Present, Simple Past, Simple Future, Present Perfect Continuous, Past Perfect Continuous, Future Perfect Continuous, Present Perfect, Past Perfect, Future Perfect, Present Perfect Continuous, Past Perfect Continuous, and Future Perfect Continuous. Additionally, suggest that she memorize at least 40-50 verbs to effectively use with the aforementioned 12 tenses. She can easily learn this from YouTube or any high-quality book to boost her confidence in communicating in English.

Explore job opportunities ideal for newcomers, such as remote or freelance roles, virtual assistant positions, social media management, IT support associate, software testing, and data support functions. Engaging in small projects and enhancing her resume with online certifications.

Additionally, allow her to maintain her LinkedIn account and set up job alerts in her field to stay informed about the job market trends. Starting her career requires a significant amount of patience and a willingness to learn. All the BEST for your Wife’s Prosperous Future.

Follow RediffGURUS to Know More on ‘Jobs | Careers | Education’

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Nayagam P

Nayagam P P  |3976 Answers  |Ask -

Career Counsellor - Answered on Dec 16, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Dec 16, 2024Hindi
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Career
Gave 2 levels of interview at Eaton in starting of December 2024 and HR said that they will share the candidature status by mid previous week ( 11-12 Dec) but till now , there had been no communication. Could you please let me know what should I do here, should I call HR or send an email ?
Ans: As they indicated they would respond by the second week of December, it is possible that they may require an additional week to reach a decision and finalize their response. To follow up with HR about your application, please send a concise and courteous email, making sure it is brief and direct. If a response is not received within 3-4 business days, please initiate a follow-up call, ensuring that the conversation remains concise and polite. Emails provide the HR team with the opportunity to assess your status and reply with careful consideration, showcasing a high level of professionalism. Please ensure the email is sent today, as the response has already experienced a delay. And, continue to apply for jobs as you normally would through LinkedIn, the websites of your preferred companies, employee referrals, and other avenues, rather than waiting for their response. Maintain a record of the companies and job titles to which you have applied to prevent redundancy. MOST IMPORTANT TIP: Having a second / PROFESSIONAL email address is strongly advised, especially when looking for employment & applying for jobs, as even crucial emails may find up in your spam folder and you may miss them.

All the BEST for your Prosperous Future.

Follow RediffGURUS to Know More on ‘Jobs | Careers | Education’

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Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |442 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Dec 16, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Dec 03, 2024
Relationship
How much weightage should be given to the Past (Relationship & Sexual History) of a Man, while vetting prospective matches in the process of Arranged Marriage? Does a Man's Virginity matter as much as a Woman's Virginity? Or can his Past be overlooked completely, if his Present is Good & Future looks Promising?
Ans: A man’s past should not be entirely overlooked, but it should also not define him. It’s important to understand the context of his previous relationships—whether they were casual, meaningful, or unhealthy—and how those experiences have shaped him. The focus should be on whether he has grown from those experiences and whether his present actions and values align with the future he envisions with you. If he demonstrates honesty, respect, and a commitment to the relationship, his past becomes less significant compared to the person he is today.

Ultimately, the decision depends on what matters most to you in a partner. If a man’s virginity or lack of prior relationships is important to you for personal, cultural, or religious reasons, it’s essential to communicate this openly and respectfully. At the same time, consider whether the expectations you place on him are fair and reflective of the qualities you value in a lifelong partner—trust, kindness, loyalty, and shared goals.

What truly matters in an arranged marriage—or any relationship—is how the person’s past, present, and future align with your vision of a partnership. If he is open about his history, takes accountability for any mistakes, and is genuinely committed to building a strong and loving future with you, his past should not necessarily overshadow the potential for a fulfilling relationship.

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Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |442 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Dec 16, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Dec 05, 2024
Relationship
Hi, i am sri lankan girl, and my bf is indian, recently his family had found a girl and forced him to marry, he said he had no option this time he had to say ok, because after he told about me to them, they started to act rude and now they all find out me and try to make me scared, my bf blocked me, because that girl also controls him, i told him you can still turn back and choose your life, but he said it will be a problem to his parents, and his dad trying to hurt himself. I really love him, we were together 2 years. Even he says he misses me a lot and he said he feels the life how happy it was before and now he is confused and he says feel like he is in a jail, please help me, he says now he can’t promise me anything.he says if i find someone it ok, he will be a good friend, but i really love him, what can i do
Ans: What’s important here is to also focus on what this situation is doing to you. You’re trying to hold on, to fight for the love you’ve shared, and it’s exhausting. It’s heartbreaking to love someone who feels like they have no choice but to walk away. You’ve already shown courage in encouraging him to choose his own happiness, to take control of his life, but it sounds like he’s not in a place where he can take that step. His confusion and feelings of being “in a jail” may reflect his inner turmoil, but they also show that he’s currently unable to prioritize your relationship in the way it deserves. His offer to remain a "friend" while giving you the freedom to move on might come from a place of care, but it also leaves you carrying the weight of love and heartbreak alone.

You need to take a step back and ask yourself some difficult questions. Are you willing to continue waiting for him, knowing that his family may never accept you and that he may never have the strength to stand up to them? Or is it time to prioritize your own emotional well-being and open yourself to the possibility of a future where you’re truly valued and chosen by someone who can fight for you, no matter the challenges?

Loving him and letting go can coexist. Letting go doesn’t mean you stop loving him or that what you shared wasn’t real. It means recognizing that his inability to fight for your relationship is a reality you can’t control. You’ve done everything you could to show him what he stands to lose, and now the choice lies with him. In the meantime, you need to protect your own heart and focus on your happiness. Surround yourself with people who uplift you, and allow yourself time to grieve this loss. Healing won’t happen overnight, but it begins when you choose to honor your own worth and emotional health. If he comes back to you one day, it should only be because he’s ready to fight for the love you deserve, not because he feels trapped or confused. Until then, you have every right to move forward with your life and pursue the happiness you deserve.

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Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |442 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Dec 16, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Dec 08, 2024Hindi
Relationship
I have a friend for over 9 years. She is 38, married with a 13 yr old boy and I am single and 32. Ever since we have known each other we have been friends. I never had romantic feelings or intimate thoughts about her(I guess I am not that much into married women). Over the course of years since 2015, we have had a very close friendship and at a professional capacity I am tutor to her child.(The child has been hanging out with me since he was 4). Me and the lady went for vacations and have spent countless nights on the balcony with a drink and lots to talk about our lives. I am thoroughly aware of her troubled marriage including instances of DV and her complicated upper middle class family dynamics. She knows my childhood, how I lost my parents and has been close watcher of how I have transformed over the years. In 2020 in a moment of my weakness, loneliness, desperation I spoke to her extensively even breaking down and she somehow made the call the treatment me like a son and I have ever since addressed her as 'Maate'. (My mother passed away in childbirth so my knowledge of a mother's presence is next to 0) During the pandemic where we could barely meet during to distance and lockdown. Her husband also moved to UK for work. A new "friend" comes to the picture. I did not meet him at the beginning but after a few months, I notice my friend taking care of the finances, lifestyle choices of the"friend". He enjoys the involvement citing how difficult his life was where his parents could not provide such interactions when he was a kid. (The "friend" is 28 years old). The "friend" also a leukaemia survivor indulges in alcohol with us, tries other substances in her company and one night confesses his feelings to Maate. Maate tells him that she has a kid, a husband and a boyfriend so those spectrums there is no space for the "friend". So the "friend" officially friendzones himself but over the times has arranged him to stay in her place, sleep in her bed, cuddle with her everynight(can't sleep otherwise) has access to her emails, photos, phone password, and subtly starts taking control over her house to get things done his way. He even does not allow the 13 yr old child sleep with his mom because the child gets a pole in his sleep(like of teens and men) it creeps the "friend" out. Finally after a night of drinking I suddenly woke up to sounds of moaning early in the morning from her bathroom. So the "friend" finally had his long overdue sex at 6 am in the morning in her bathroom. I wake to listen to Maate moaning buty paranoia kicks in when I see her kid waking up and standing behind me and asking 'where is Mamma'. I have no words, I have no idea what to do. I take him away on the pretext of making some yummy breakfast. Now the problem for me is: 1. I have lived by a few codes and one of them is not to cross boundaries with female friends. I have stayed friends with them for over 2 decades. So someone doing it infront of me and calling it friendship and apologizing with the words 'heat of the moment','honest mistake', 'drunken daze', etc just makes me call it bullshit. The "friend" wanted it and took the first shot he got. 2. My Maate asking me to let it go, forgive and treat the "friend" like a younger brother. I have tried it a lot over the last year and I sincerely can't(because of reasons mentioned in Point 1) 3. Saying it to openly to Maate has starined my equation with her. I just want to stay away from such a "friend" but evidently voicing it out (albeit in a very loud manner) pushed away my closest confidant. The only thing I know is if things get better I can't pull of this pretentious stuff and it will make me burst again. I don't know what to do here.
Ans: You’ve built your life around certain principles—one being the importance of boundaries and respect in friendships. Seeing those boundaries crossed in a way that you perceive as disrespectful to the sanctity of your connection with Maate, as well as her responsibilities as a mother, strikes at the heart of your values. It’s no wonder that you feel uneasy and unable to simply accept her request to forgive and treat the “friend” as a younger brother.

What’s critical here is that your feelings of discomfort are not about being judgmental but about being protective—of your bond with Maate, her child’s well-being, and your own emotional integrity. This situation has left you in a moral and emotional bind. You value the relationship with Maate, but the dynamic involving the “friend” is deeply troubling for you.

To move forward, you need to find a way to honor your values while also preserving your emotional well-being. Open communication is key, but it’s also clear that the way this has been discussed so far has caused strain. You might need to reframe your approach. Instead of focusing on the specifics of what happened or pointing out the flaws in the “friend’s” behavior, you could focus on how the situation has affected you. Express your feelings honestly but gently—share how it has created a sense of distance and how much you miss the closeness and trust you once shared.

At the same time, it’s important to set boundaries for yourself. You don’t have to accept the “friend” into your life if it feels wrong to you. However, you can make it clear to Maate that this boundary is about your own peace of mind and not a judgment of her choices. Acknowledge her autonomy while asserting your need for space from situations that make you uncomfortable.

Ultimately, this might mean accepting that the relationship with Maate will change. Relationships evolve, and sometimes people we care about make choices that we can’t fully align with. It doesn’t mean you have to sever ties, but it does mean redefining the terms of your connection in a way that allows you to stay true to yourself.

Take time to reflect on what you need to feel whole and grounded. This situation has understandably shaken you, but it’s also an opportunity to reaffirm your values and protect your well-being. Seek support from others you trust, and remember that it’s okay to take a step back to process your feelings and recalibrate the relationship on your terms.

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Milind

Milind Vadjikar  |774 Answers  |Ask -

Insurance, Stocks, MF, PF Expert - Answered on Dec 16, 2024

DISCLAIMER: The content of this post by the expert is the personal view of the rediffGURU. Investment in securities market are subject to market risks. Read all the related document carefully before investing. The securities quoted are for illustration only and are not recommendatory. Users are advised to pursue the information provided by the rediffGURU only as a source of information and as a point of reference and to rely on their own judgement when making a decision. RediffGURUS is an intermediary as per India's Information Technology Act.

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