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Anu Krishna |1604 Answers |Ask -Follow

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Nov 23, 2022

Anu Krishna is a mind coach and relationship expert.
The co-founder of Unfear Changemakers LLP, she has received her neuro linguistic programming training from National Federation of NeuroLinguistic Programming, USA, and her energy work specialisation from the Institute for Inner Studies, Manila.
She is an executive member of the Indian Association of Adolescent Health.... more

Question by PB on Nov 23, 2022Hindi

Hi Anu,
Myself Praveen. I appreciate your writings on Rediff. First of all thanks for that.
I would like to ask guidance or your thoughts on establishing a relationship with my lady friend.
I met her 4 years back in my old office and we got in company soon and started talking and somewhat share most of the personal s*s too.
I started having feelings for her. I mean I wish to have a marital relationship with her because I am very comfortable with her. But I was unable to make any move or feared of losing her company if I tell her my love.
That time I never knew her age. Later I moved from that job to pursue some personal goals so I moved to some other place without the knowledge of my own family.
The only person who knew about it was her. She stood with me and emotionally supported me and was knowing that it was my strong wish of having that dream/goal.
We were in touch as nice friends.
Her phone calls were happy moments for me because I was alone at my new place where I'd gone to pursue my dream.
Someday she called me and during call she was upset. That day she shared some of her personal things and during the conversation I realised that she is 8 years older than me and she is at her mid 30s.
Firstly, it was like a shock for me. I wondered why a beautiful girl like she not got into a marriage or any other serious relationship still that age. Okay, that doesn't matter me.
However, knowing about most of the complexity in this partnership including support from both family or cliche society thoughts; I decided to have her as my life partner. But still I am not able to make a move like that.
Somehow, I had to come back to my homeplace and sorry to say that I failed to pursue my goal which was bit depressing.
Still I couldn't make a move to talk her about this. I am getting an odd feeling that she treats me as a brother or a nice friend only.
I am confused when she calls me bro.
Some days ago she told me that I am her good brother. Frankly I don't like her calling me bro. I still love her and I always see her as my life partner.
The thing is I fear that I may lose her company if I express my love for her.
Also I fear that she may emotionally get low if she really considering me as her brother. I don't want to give her any pain, but meanwhile I couldn't miss her in my life.
Nowadays, we rarely talk on phone or meet because some of her professional engagements. That is not a problem for me.
I respect her as well as her personal space. Only thing I want is to communicate her about my mind and having a relationship with her.
I know she might also be concerned about our age gap as well as what society may say, but I don't care such rubbish.
I strongly believe that I can be a great partner.
Share your thoughts on making an approach without giving her any emotional pain or trauma.**

Ans:

Dear PB,

Thank you for your kind words on my writings and columns. Highly appreciate it.

I cannot assure you of the fact of her not having any emotional reactions. Her reactions are not something that you can control.

The easiest way to resolve this confusion that you are going through is to simply express it. It’s similar to how children are.

Have you seen them say things without a filter and unfazed by how the other person will react?

Then along came the adults and asked them to keep quiet and then the child in us grew up to become a recluse and ignore our own feelings.

I agree there is an etiquette and social norms to be followed as adults but to not be able to express our feelings is nothing but conditioning from our childhood.

And what did it teach us? It taught us to avoid the rejection and ensuing disappointment.

That’s exactly what you are running away from; all the rejection that may happen and the disappointment from that.

But what use is that love if you can’t express it for fear of rejection. If you feel so strongly about it, approach it boldly and very gently.

Yes, it may shock her and it’s possible she has no feelings or sees you as a brother, but at least you know where the connection stands.

Now whether she is going to be hurt or not is a question of how emotionally mature she is.

So, before you start the conversation, do request her to hear you fully and not judge you for your honesty. This may ease her shock and help her respond rather than react to you.