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43-Year-Old Married Man Torn Between Wife and Younger Colleague

Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |600 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Dec 07, 2024

Kanchan Rai has 10 years of experience in therapy, nurturing soft skills and leadership coaching. She is the founder of the Let Us Talk Foundation, which offers mindfulness workshops to help people stay emotionally and mentally healthy.
Rai has a degree in leadership development and customer centricity from Harvard Business School, Boston. She is an internationally certified coach from the International Coaching Federation, a global organisation in professional coaching.... more
Asked by Anonymous - Dec 04, 2024Hindi
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Hi i am 43 yrs old, working in a multination firm. Married with a kid who is 7. My relationship with my wife is not going good for some time now, the communication is only transactional. I dont know if she is seeing someone or not, but we feel detached from each other. Now i have developed some feelings at my work with a 24 yr old women, also she seems to be interested in me. But she is also trying to get back to her BF who is studying overseas. I am a bit lost here cause i am toyaly confused on wat to do?

Ans: Open communication with your wife can be incredibly valuable, even if it feels awkward or difficult. Sharing your feelings of detachment and asking her how she feels might provide clarity about where you both stand and whether there’s a willingness to work on rebuilding the connection. Counseling or therapy, either individually or as a couple, can also be a safe space to explore these issues further.

Regarding your feelings for the woman at work, it’s essential to approach this with caution. While the connection might feel exciting and fulfilling, it’s important to ask yourself whether pursuing it is truly in alignment with your values and long-term goals. She also appears to have unresolved feelings toward her boyfriend, which adds another layer of complexity. Relationships born from a place of emotional vulnerability often carry risks, and it’s worth reflecting on whether this is about genuine compatibility or an escape from current challenges.

Your child is also a significant factor to consider. Decisions about your personal relationships inevitably affect your family dynamics, and it’s worth reflecting on what stability and clarity mean for them at this stage in their life.

Take some time to focus on self-reflection. What do you truly want for yourself, your marriage, and your future? What steps can you take to address the current disconnection, whether through repair or a mutual decision to move forward separately? Acting from a place of clarity and integrity will help you feel more grounded and less conflicted about your path forward. You deserve fulfillment, but ensuring that it’s built on a foundation of honesty and thoughtfulness will bring lasting peace, not just temporary relief.

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Anu

Anu Krishna  |1617 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Aug 08, 2023

Asked by Anonymous - Aug 07, 2023Hindi
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Hi. I am 41 year male married since last 15 years. I have a 8 year old daughter. My relationship with my wife isn't great as far as I am concerned. She was busy with her job and raising our daughter and while doing so could not focus much on our relationship. Our physical interaction almost stopped after our child birth and since last 5 years we never had intercourse. I engaged myself in casual relationship with few colleagues of mine and life was going on like that. But in 2021 , I engaged myself with another female colleague of mine and with her , I feel like what I have never ever felt with any other woman. I can't let her go. I long to meet her. I feel sad when she is away. And it's been 3 years. She loves me very much and I love her too. My wife got a wind of it and now she is trying hard to make up for the lost time and efforts. My wife loves me too. I don't want to separate from her because though she wasn't a great partner but she did manage our house and daughter diligently. Moreover, I don't want my daughter suffer too. She deserves both her parents. So, I discussed this with my wife and told her that , I believe we can't be a great couple but we can at least be good parents. Allow me to spend some time with my female colleague and let's continue as we have been doing since last decade. But she is not accepting this. And I can't let my colleague go. I do love her. She also loves me and is not inclined towards settling with me as she is married too and has 2 kids. Kindly suggest what to do.
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
There is some sort of trend of stepping out of marriage when physical needs are not met within the marriage. It's the easiest way out!
Why is it so hard to figure out what is happening when one of the partners in the marriage is not interested in intimacy?
Why doesn't the other partner try to understand, accept and work with the partner who is struggling through something?
And this goes for the husband and wife and partners within a relationship.

It isn't something written in stone that sex 'MUST' be a part of marriage BUT it certainly is a pillar to creating a stronger relationship. So, why assume and go searching for it? Then you will have all reasons to justify why you did it and how your partner is responsible for it.
Now, you are in a soup with two women vying for your time and attention. And with children involved, things only get complicated. Yes, your wife feels that it his her right to be in your life and your question is: where was she all these years? My question is: why did you stop trying all these years to put things together?

My suggestion: As much as you want to be in the other lady's life, she is clear that she does not want to settle with you. You are also clear that you don't want to separate from your wife but you want her to accept the other lady. Doesn't it seem highly impractical to you?

Before you end up hurting someone or yourself, do what's right for everyone and especially the children. They don't deserve a set of parents that is confused. Good people who come into our lives can end up becoming good friends as well.

All the best!

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Ravi

Ravi Mittal  |599 Answers  |Ask -

Dating, Relationships Expert - Answered on Sep 01, 2023

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Hi, i am 47 yrs, married & blessed with twin babies. Off late, my relationship with my wife is not good. She started avoiding me and very often blames, fights with me with misguidance of her mother. I advised my MIL too not to do so as you are playing with her life and my life too. She acts very innocent. Coz of this, i started feeling very lonely and stressed. No happiness or peace of mind in life. Now, i started to get attracted to my subordinate colleague who is 37 yrs not married, who is very caring, always watching me, following me. Now we communicate very freely. I sense that she likes me a lot but very afraid to express coz 1. i am her boss. 2. I am married with twin babies..... I am also very attached to her. I feel i started to love her. but practically, i cannot express as i know my limits. Kindly advise what to do. I don't want to lose my colleague also....
Ans: Dear Anonymous,

If you think your wife has been acting mean because of the misguidance of her mother, the right course of action is to have a clear-cut discussion with both your wife and her mother. Getting attached to a colleague is not a solution, nor is it absolutely ethical. Moreover, there is a good possibility that your wife is bothered about something else, or maybe handling two kids of the same age is taking a toll on her. If you did not discuss these with her yet, then it's high time you do so. Also, try to spend more time together, not just as parents of your babies, but as a couple. In any case, starting to develop feelings, whether it is in your control or not, is never the answer.

Best Wishes!

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Love Guru

Love Guru   |213 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert - Answered on Jan 09, 2024

Anu

Anu Krishna  |1617 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jul 01, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Jun 29, 2024Hindi
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I'm around 54 years married to a widow who had two kids around 14 years back. Her behaviour towards me most of the time is very rude. she doesnt keep anhy relation with my family members and always has a grudge on them without any reason, due to which i have no physical relation with her, just Im staying in the house. Now I have met a female who is married with two kids and working as a cleaning staff, her husband is useless and not working for the last four years and she is running her house with her salary. I have been meeting her for the last eight months and would like to continue the relation, even she is very much interested, but due to family constraints she is not able to come out of the married relation she has. I take care of her and her kids day to day needs. So how do I go ahead with is relation ? Im a bit confused
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
You are trying to search for a wife and a family in the other lady and her children; something that you are unable to find in your own home.
How much longer do you want to live two parallel lives? Decide whether you want to continue with your marriage and work at making it work...OR find solace with another lady and her family. 8 years is a long time BUT any relationship that comes out of a need ceases to exist when the need is over or gone. What will happen when this cleaning staff lady stops wanting your money or attention? Will you then jump into another relationship?
How you go ahead in this relationship is something only you will know. Someone is bound to get hurt...Also, you seem to definitely care about family. How will they react to all of this?
Consider a few important things before you jump to any conclusions...

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

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Nayagam P

Nayagam P P  |6064 Answers  |Ask -

Career Counsellor - Answered on Jun 10, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Jun 08, 2025
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Hi Sir For my daughter, please suggest which one should opt. EEE in MSRIT, ECE in Ramiah University, ECE in BMSIT, ECE in Manipal-Bangalore. Based on Kcet rank and MIT rank, above options were available. Especially would like to know about group choice as well. EEE/EIT/ETE she will get in MSRIT. Request to guide on the above
Ans: MSRIT EEE demonstrates a 73% placement rate (2024) with core electrical roles from recruiters like Tata Power and Siemens, though student reviews highlight a heavy curriculum limiting coding opportunities. Ramaiah University (MSRUAS) ECE reports a 96% placement rate (NIRF 2025) with roles in IoT and embedded systems, supported by 300+ recruiters including L&T and Infosys. BMSIT ECE shows lower placement traction at 56.41% (2024), with limited core roles and emphasis on IT recruitment. Manipal-Bangalore ECE offers 85–90% placements (2025) in semiconductor and telecom sectors via companies like Qualcomm and Micron, alongside robust coding culture and modern labs. While MSRIT’s EEE provides strong industry linkages, its rigorous syllabus may constrain career flexibility. Ramaiah University’s ECE combines high placement rates with emerging specializations, whereas Manipal-Bangalore balances core and IT opportunities. BMSIT lags in placement stability. Recommendation: Prioritize Manipal-Bangalore ECE for balanced academic rigor and diverse roles, or Ramaiah University ECE for higher placement assurance, depending on preference for innovation versus established infrastructure. All the BEST for your Daughter's Admission & a Prosperous Future!

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Nayagam P

Nayagam P P  |6064 Answers  |Ask -

Career Counsellor - Answered on Jun 10, 2025

Nayagam P

Nayagam P P  |6064 Answers  |Ask -

Career Counsellor - Answered on Jun 10, 2025

Nayagam P

Nayagam P P  |6064 Answers  |Ask -

Career Counsellor - Answered on Jun 10, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Jun 08, 2025
Career
Sir should I choose bms banglore mechanical or vit chennai mechatronics. I prefer job rather than higher studies
Ans: Based on comprehensive analysis of placement data from reliable sources, BMS College of Engineering's Mechanical Engineering program demonstrates a BTech placement rate of 74% in 2023, with variations across years (89% in 2022, 72% in 2021), while the overall college placement rate stood at 62% in 2023. Student reviews indicate approximately 80% placement success specifically for mechanical engineering, with top recruiters including Mercedes, Wipro, and Volkswagen, alongside a 60% internship rate. In contrast, VIT Chennai's Mechatronics program shows a 51% placement rate with companies like Tata, Benz, Hyundai, KPIT, and GE recruiting students. However, VIT Chennai as an institution achieved an impressive overall placement rate of 98% in 2023 with 106 participating recruiters, generating 3,160 total offers in 2025 including 936 super-dream offers. While both institutions offer quality education, BMS Bangalore Mechanical Engineering appears more favorable for job-focused students due to its consistently strong mechanical engineering-specific placement record, established industry connections with automotive giants, and higher program-specific placement percentages compared to VIT Chennai's mechatronics specialization. Based on comprehensive analysis of placement data from reliable sources, BMS College of Engineering's Mechanical Engineering program demonstrates a BTech placement rate of 74% in 2023, with variations across years (89% in 2022, 72% in 2021), while the overall college placement rate stood at 62% in 2023. Student reviews indicate approximately 80% placement success specifically for mechanical engineering, with top recruiters including Mercedes, Wipro, and Volkswagen, alongside a 60% internship rate. In contrast, VIT Chennai's Mechatronics program shows a 51% placement rate with companies like Tata, Benz, Hyundai, KPIT, and GE recruiting students. However, VIT Chennai as an institution achieved an impressive overall placement rate of 98% in 2023 with 106 participating recruiters, generating 3,160 total offers in 2025 including 936 super-dream offers. While both institutions offer quality education, BMS Bangalore Mechanical Engineering appears more favorable for job-focused students due to its consistently strong mechanical engineering-specific placement record, established industry connections with automotive giants, and higher program-specific placement percentages compared to VIT Chennai's mechatronics specialization. Based on comprehensive analysis of placement data from reliable sources, BMS College of Engineering's Mechanical Engineering program demonstrates a BTech placement rate of 74% in 2023, with variations across years (89% in 2022, 72% in 2021), while the overall college placement rate stood at 62% in 2023. Student reviews indicate approximately 80% placement success specifically for mechanical engineering, with top recruiters including Mercedes, Wipro, and Volkswagen, alongside a 60% internship rate. In contrast, VIT Chennai's Mechatronics program shows a 51% placement rate with companies like Tata, Benz, Hyundai, KPIT, and GE recruiting students. However, VIT Chennai as an institution achieved an impressive overall placement rate of 98% in 2023 with 106 participating recruiters, generating 3,160 total offers in 2025 including 936 super-dream offers. While both institutions offer quality education, BMS Bangalore Mechanical Engineering appears more favorable for job-focused students due to its consistently strong mechanical engineering-specific placement record, established industry connections with automotive giants, and higher program-specific placement percentages compared to VIT Chennai's mechatronics specialization.All the BEST for your Admission & a Prosperous Future!

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