Off late i mate ex flame of mind. Due to some reason or other, we did not get married. Both of us have abusive partners. We are suffering a lot in our respective marriages. Shall we continue our friendship? We find lot of peace in talking with each other.

Dear DR,

Feelings aren’t something that can be set aside that easily.

To lead a different relationship than the one that you were in with the same person requires a lot of emotional maturity from both of you to make this real and honest.

If you look at it from the point of view of your husband, he might either be insecure about this, or he can foresee a situation up ahead which might not be very pleasant.

You have mentioned that seeing him is bringing back memories.

Are you really ready to maintain a friendship without the feelings coming in the way? Are you ready to manage what this might do to your husband?

If you are ready and be objective about all of this, then first sit your husband down and talk to him and his fears.

Reassure him but like any relationship, all this requires a lot of work and then it’s also time to ask yourself, is this all worth it and do I really need to do this?

Also, is the other person from your past, also willing to understand that this requires him to put your marriage above his needs?

So, check with yourself what and how much you can handle and whether you are ready for this new challenge?

Best wishes!

Dear DR,

Feelings aren’t something that can be set aside that easily.

To lead a different relationship than the one that you were in with the same person requires a lot of emotional maturity from both of you to make this real and honest.

If you look at it from the point of view of your husband, he might either be insecure about this, or he can foresee a situation up ahead which might not be very pleasant.

You have mentioned that seeing him is bringing back memories.

Are you really ready to maintain a friendship without the feelings coming in the way? Are you ready to manage what this might do to your husband?

If you are ready and be objective about all of this, then first sit your husband down and talk to him and his fears.

Reassure him but like any relationship, all this requires a lot of work and then it’s also time to ask yourself, is this all worth it and do I really need to do this?

Also, is the other person from your past, also willing to understand that this requires him to put your marriage above his needs?

So, check with yourself what and how much you can handle and whether you are ready for this new challenge?

Best wishes!

Dear LM,

There is a reason for him ‘ghosting’ you.

Was your ‘relationship’ one sided?

Was he clear that he was not in any sort of commitment with you?

Did you at any point think that this might be a long haul one?

Sometimes, people believe relationships are meant to last forever.

Nice fairy tales they fool themselves with and then build expectations up and then drive into a well of foolish decisions only to realise that they have led themselves to self-pity to play a victim.

This is what you are doing to yourself.

Rise above and know that he isn’t interested anymore. Who are you crying over? Who are you waiting for? And is he worth spoiling your state of mind?

Start by de-focusing…

• Put away all stuff that holds his memories
• Be with your friends who can support you
• Eat and sleep well and on time
• Pick up a new hobby or learn a new language to divert the attention

And you don’t have depression unless clinically diagnosed.

You are just feeling low and sad, and it will slowly fade away. Have faith but take the first step to make yourself feel better.

All the best!

Dear LM,

Things have moved for him, and he has clearly decided to move on.

Why choose to pine so much? If it is some misunderstanding, give him time to sort it in his mind and get back to you.

Trying and not getting the expected result will cause you more pain and anguish over the fact that he is not responding because of this and that.

Your mind will search for all reasons to justify your pain and the action that you have taken to reach out to him.

Give this a break. Respect his decision as hard as it maybe for you, but if he somewhere in the future decides to be a friend, let him approach you.

The more you are chasing him, the more it is hitting your self-esteem with the rejection and soon it will start to make you feel bitter. So, Pause and take that break.

And to defocus on this, make sure you spend more time with your existing set of friends, go deeper into work (if you are a working professional), spend more time with your family, develop new hobbies and more…

What all this does is, give the mind an alternate path to focus on…slowly, the pain starts to ease as your focus on him eases…and this is possible only if you willfully choose to ease the pain for yourself.

Your life, your choice…so, be kind on yourself and choose what’s best for your mind and you.

Best wishes!