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Anu Krishna |1437 Answers |Ask -Follow

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Sep 20, 2021

Anu Krishna is a mind coach and relationship expert.
The co-founder of Unfear Changemakers LLP, she has received her neuro linguistic programming training from National Federation of NeuroLinguistic Programming, USA, and her energy work specialisation from the Institute for Inner Studies, Manila.
She is an executive member of the Indian Association of Adolescent Health.... more

Question by Gatima on Sep 20, 2021Hindi

My name is Gatima, I’m 36 years old and a housewife.

I’m married from past 10 years and it was a love marriage.

I was bought up in metro cities like Delhi and Mumbai. I married to a guy from Goa and a shipy (merchant navy).

I was working when I got married but I left immediately because I wanted to sail with my husband, initial years were good. I have one boy who is 5 now .

We used to fight all d time but initially we used to understand each other and patch up fast , but from last one year our fights increased so much and we stop talking for even months.

My husband has lots of complaints from me and always blames me for every fight.

I’m feeling so guilty. I always curse myself and ask God why he made me so bad person.

Whenever we fight, all other family members cut off communication with me.

Although I am surrounded by so many I’m alone.

I cry most of time but now my eyes have dried and there are no tears.

I hate myself and my life. I cannot face the mirror for days bcoz I hate myself.

I am living for my 5 year old son. But I’m very depressed and have PCOD .

I don’t get sleep plus I get migraine attacks.

Ans: Dear GN, The past year has been different for different people; marriages have been rebuilt, new marriages have taken place, divorces have happened…relationships have gone through a huge transitions, in short.

Of course, not to undermine what you are experiencing right now!

Conflicts, arguments, debates are common in a marriage…but they can be worked upon as long as both of you want the same thing and want to stick around in the marriage.

What according to you has changed now when you say that things used to easily resolve earlier and now that doesn’t happen? What has caused this?

When you say, he complains and blames you, how does he do that? Does he actually say it aloud or are you interpreting it?

These questions get you closer to the truth of the matter at hand.

It takes two people to create a conflict, of course the phase of life or whatever the phase he is in, maybe he finds it convenient to blame you.

So why do play the role of the victim when you are not actually one?

And Yes, he may not be justified in what he is doing and throwing it all on you. But if simply being in this pool of misery has achieved anything, it has made you a victim…

If you want to feel better or change something about this situation, wake up NOW…do something, do anything; support or no support from anyone!

A small change in the way you perceive things and act for yourself can change your physical well-being as well.

PCOS/Migraine can be an indirect result of the anxiety and stress that you are carrying inside you.

Start focusing on what you are eating and if you are exercising enough…these can help a great deal in keeping PCOS/Migraine under control.

What you think is what you become…so keep your son also in mind and get yourself out of this misery or find an expert who can help you. You want this for yourself and your son, don’t you?

My best wishes are with you!

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Anu Krishna |1437 Answers |Ask -Follow

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jan 04, 2022

Question by TK - Jan 04, 2022Hindi

I have two problems right now which are making me depressed and very, very lonely. I have been married for seven years now. After a year, there have been misunderstandings between us. I have been trying to talk to him and make him feel our love but I fail every time. He is too judgemental, obsessive and bossy. I thought he is behaving like this because he lost his parents but it’s been four years now. My sisters-in-law often create a rift between us. Sometimes, I feel that he doesn’t love me at all. While dealing with this, I had my parents and sister by my side. My sister's husband took advantage of the situation and tried to assault me. I complained about it to my mom and sister. My mom got scared that it might affect my sister's life so she wants me to forget about what happened. I didn't tell my husband because he is too aggressive. My mom, sister and her husband all are behaving as though nothing happened. I am scared that my husband will judge me for the rest of my life if I tell him and I love him. I am too disturbed and lonely. I feel empty, like no one is there for me. I have lost my sleep. Please, please help me. TK

Ans:

Dear TK,

Please stop making excuses for your husband’s behaviour or your sister’s husband’s behaviour.

If what you say is true then, by being bossy and judgmental, your husband has emotionally distanced himself from you and your sister’s husband has physically abused you.

You have lost your power by not calling this out.

Isn’t it the job of a husband to support his wife when she has been in any danger? And you are actually worried about your sister, her husband, your mother and your husband, which is affecting your state of mind.

The more you choose to ignore the wrong that has happened with you, the more it is going to impact you.

Also remember, if you allow your sister’s husband to roam around freely like this, he can do the same to another woman.

Yes, your husband might judge you, but you will judge yourself for life if you don’t take this step.

The biggest mistake a woman can make in the name of culture, society and family pride is to be silent. This silence causes a cascading effect on her and her family, especially her children, as she stops being happy.

Reclaim your power and speak up now.

Confide in a friend. Do what is right for you and make a statement for all the women who might be facing similar challenges.

As for your husband, don’t you think it’s possible to keep all these people out of your marriage and focus on your relationship? And that it’s time to appeal to him about making your marriage work and rebuild it from scratch?

Is that possible?

Only the two of you can answer once you have decided to take charge of your life.

All the best and a Happy 2022!

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Anu Krishna |1437 Answers |Ask -Follow

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Oct 19, 2022

Question by KB - Oct 19, 2022Hindi

Hi Anu, I have been reading your articles for quite some time. I am 40 years old in a marriage for last 12 years. I have a 11.5 year old son.My marriage is going through a very rough phase. My husband doesn't leave any chance to abuse me, doesn't matter where and with whom we areMy husband proposed to me knowing I have Vitiligo (discoloration of skin). Plus I was not as rich as him. I did make him aware of this before going ahead. His family was against our marriage still he went ahead. From the day of marriage he suddenly changed, and started abusing me in and out. First I thought my mother-in-law is creating problems which she did every time we came together. Infront of every maid and in the absence of my husband she tried to humiliate me based on my skin condition and financial status. But she'd become caring in his presence.After five years of marriage, for a few years we were away from family. It was peaceful and we had a nice time. But during the lockdown and online school we were back with the same problem. Now the condition is that I cannot stay with my husband. My family is very supportive but suggest that before taking any step I should think of my child. And that we should both sit and talk.If I try talking to my husband I know it will end in a fight. Kindly suggest which way should I go?

Ans:

Dear KB,

Maybe someone from the family or his friends have commented on your condition and made him feel that he made the wrong choice.

Even if it’s that, when he knew and had no objection, what is a man’s word is that he keeps it no matter what!

Now that he has gone back on it, it’s natural for others to take advantage of it and mock you for what the society considers as ‘not beautiful’.

In a way, we are obsessed with some sort of standards for what’s beautiful and what’s not. Beauty standards, you might call it so!

He seems to be a different person with his family and without, it suggests that he may not have a very strong mind to back up the decision of marrying you in the first place possibly against the wishes of his family.

Abuse, at no point is justifiable and you need to take a strong stance and draw a boundary as this is going to continue.

Your family has made a wise suggestion and for the sake of the child, it might be worth the effort to sit down have that chat with your husband however hard that might be.

Do not compromise on the fact that this so-called beauty standards and labels within his family will continue. Be unapologetic about who you are and own your beauty your way.

This is non- negotiable and you need to state this clearly when you have that conversation with him. Period!

All the best!

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Anu Krishna |1437 Answers |Ask -Follow

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