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Newlywed and Already Unhappy: Should I Leave My Marriage?

Anu Krishna |1655 Answers |Ask -Follow

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Feb 05, 2025

Anu Krishna is a mind coach and relationship expert.
The co-founder of Unfear Changemakers LLP, she has received her neuro linguistic programming training from National Federation of NeuroLinguistic Programming, USA, and her energy work specialisation from the Institute for Inner Studies, Manila.
She is an executive member of the Indian Association of Adolescent Health.... more

Asked by Anonymous - Jan 24, 2025Hindi

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I have been married for more than 3 weeks. And I don't like my husband. I didn't like him before the marriage and it was very clear to my family tht I didn't like him. But my parents forced me to get married to him and it was my fault tht I couldn't prioritise my feelings. I considered what would happen to them if I called off the engagement. And after being married I have been more than depressed. My parents keeps telling what I should do. I don't let him touch me since I don't like him I asked him for some time and on the 2nd day he made a huge issue in my family telling them that I don't let him touch me. I started to resent him after this. Everyone around me keeps on telling Me that he will go abroad in 2 weeks so I should do whatever a wife does. it's been 3 weeks and continuous arguments. I'm so sad. I'm scared of what would happen if I leave this marriage. I can't stay in my own family because they would treat me so bad. I would have to stay alone. Thinking about the uncertain future and consequences am not able to do anything. Am stuck in this miserable situation.

Ans: Dear Anonymous,
For sure, it's difficult to be physically intimate with someone that you do not fancy and he is being silly in making this public. Rather than winning you over, he's making it a public issue to gain sympathy which his highly immature.
Now, I am going to give you an example that you may not like.
Eg: You have to live in Japan for 2 years and you do not like that cuisine. But eventually you realize that 2 years is a long time and then you actually start enjoying the food by looking at what's nice in it; healthy, light, good on the heart etc.

It's the same here. You may have gotten forced into the marriage. But it's just 3 weeks. Give it time...NO, you do not have to engage in any physical intimacy with him right away; but at least try to get to know him...maybe someday you might start to appreciate his good qualities, yeah? See, if this is possible in the short time that you have...it's just about having an open mind. Marriages are easy to break, think hard on this one.

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

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Anu Krishna |1655 Answers |Ask -Follow

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jun 24, 2022

Question by RJ - Jun 24, 2022Hindi

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Hi Anu,I m 32 yr old girl and been married in arrange marriage with a guy he is also 32 it's been one year.He is very harsh to talk to and I get usually very hurt because of his words. I always feel like walking out of this marriage for peace. He is very unromantic and ungrateful. On top of this our views on marriage, togetherness and sex are very different. I never had sex with him till now. And I don't feel like having sex with him. There are many fights between us. The way his mother and father talk I feel stuck in my life.There is no progress in career because constantly we are under tensions. My past relationships were very nice and sweet so I always happened to compare him with my ex in my mind. I don't know what happens to me. When he comes close to me I stop talking breaths. We just cuddle each other and hug but other things like kiss and sex I don't feel to have. Please guide me as soon as possible.

Ans:

Dear RJ,

Is there any reason for not wanting to be sexually intimate?

Most often this is linked to some emotional distress or filters in the mind that you are unaware of and which could be interfering in the two of you coming closer together.

A good round of talks with your partner can help you express your exact feelings to him.

What is bothering you, what you feel you don’t receive from him, why is it that you are unable to reciprocate…these are a few things that you can discuss with him.

Also, spending quality time together can ease and spruce up things a bit.

Most often, we love throwing our feelings under the rug pretending that they will go away; but they don’t, they come back to haunt you at times that you least expect them to.

So, when you feel stuck, think of what you can do to get un-stuck? What are all things that you can think, feel and do to free yourself so that you not only feel good, but you also start to focus on things that matter; like for example your career.

Comparing one human to the another and expecting them to change and be someone else; could this be one of the reasons for you to not want the sexual intimacy?

Sex is one of the dimensions in a marriage and it can bring the couple closer.

So rather than thinking of what is going wrong, focus on how you can make things work and enable your partner to join this journey of bringing back finer and joyful moments in a marriage.

Be happy!

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Anu Krishna |1655 Answers |Ask -Follow

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jul 22, 2022

Question by S - Jul 22, 2022Hindi

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Hi Anu, I got married in Jan 2019 and it was an arranged marriage. Before marriage my husband loved me and we used to meet often and go out. But after marriage i got to know that his parents are extremely controlling and strict, they brainwashed him. A week into marriage we started fighting, and since then it's been a see-saw of love and hate. Soon we found out that he is impotent, but I helped him get over it, be it doctor's appointments or medicine, I took care of everything, it took us a year but we finally consummated our marriage. Then due to covid we moved to my in-laws’ house at his request. And then this marriage became hell to me, my in-laws started verbally abusing me every day though my husband tried to protect me but failed. I thought after the baby they would stop but it got worse so I took my 1-month-old baby and moved into my parents’ house. My husband came and begged me to not leave him, he said we'll move out to our own place. I agreed but then he called and told me that we'll go to another city after a year and I should stay with my mother till that time. BTW I am taking care of the baby all on my own financially, he won't do it unless I start living with him. I am financially independent. I don't know whether I should leave him or not, help?

Ans:

Dear S,

Time this one out! Which means, drop a deadline by having a conversation with your husband as to when your family will finally have a chance to function independently from in-laws or any other external circumstances.

Dropping deadlines means, both of you will be under the pump to put down a plan as to what needs to be done to clear out the existing muck and how beautifully you will create a loving environment for your baby to grow.

Not taking care of the baby or you, is not an option for him; but I guess it has become a convenient arrangement for him as you live with your parents and he does not need to take care of the fights and expenses as well.

This could only mean he is escaping reality and finding peace in avoiding it. Put him in the face of reality and that goes for you as well.

Being too accommodative can also become a habit where you rely on the comfort of what it brings to you; in this case the comfort at your parents' home.

For the sake of the baby, work together as a team and create a beautiful relationship; which will help the baby grow healthy, physically and emotionally.

All the best!

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Anu Krishna |1655 Answers |Ask -Follow

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Oct 01, 2021

Question by A - Oct 01, 2021Hindi

I am 27 years old and I have been married for 3 months now. Married life is already suffocating me may be because I never wanted to get married in the first place. I knew my parents were not gonna let me be and will definitely get me married so I wanted to marry a guy of my choice at least (even if it is arranged marriage). Anyways I tried all that I can to avoid this marriage because I didn't like the way this guy talked about certain things and we had no similarities. Except for the fact that my parents knew their family and he was educated there was nothing I liked about him. I thought it was the right thing if my parent said that I wasn't interested in this proposal so I tried to make my parents understand. I tried to discuss, argued, cried, stopped eating, did everything I could to stop but they wouldn't budge. Turns out he had already given his word. My dad threatened me that he would take his own life if this marriage doesn't happen. My entire life, every single decision was taken by my dad. From college, BTech, basically everything. Since there was at least one thing that I gained out of his decision I didn't bother much. I gained a friend for life in my 12th standard and in BTech, I was able to meet lots of people and that to a certain extent changed my thought process. Other than that since I was 15 I never got to do anything I ever wanted to do. Well my dad's threat worked. I got married thinking maybe ... just may be there might be something that I might gain. My parents are in Hyderabad and my husband works in Bangalore. In the 3 months I lived with him, the first month it was just us and now my in laws stays with us. Every second made me anxious. I keep thinking..what if they say something if I use my phone or if I sit down or spend some time at the balcony. Apart from me being stressed, anxious and hating the situation I was in and losing lots and lots of hair, everything was fine. My husband was always working. He works everyday till 10 pm and after my in laws came he spends all the time with his mom. Well that didn't bother me, i just thought that he just loved his mom so much. Nobody said anything until the day I mentioned wanting to come home as I had some work at my previous office. Out of nowhere my mother-in-law mentions how I was not their 1st choice for their son. They had lots of proposals lined up but chose me because I am from Hyderabad even though I was fat and our family wasn't rich. I didn't think it was right to say anything to her so I didn't say a word. On the day I was travelling to Hyderabad, my husband complains how I don't do the household work as much or help my mother in law. he says I sleep a lot. He wants me to quit my job and sit at home. They have problem if I order clothes to where at home. I work night shift so I tend to sleep during the day but I make sure to help my mom in law to a certain extent. When it was just us in the 1st month it was me who did all the chores and I had to do WFH too. I made it very clear to him that I will not leave my job which he didn't like and he asks me not to return and just stay at my parent's place. I explained all this to my parents and they are trying to send me back as soon as possible. Everybody who got involved in this like my parents, the uncle who brought the proposal says that it is my responsibility to change my husband. I don't see how I can change a person who thinks that everything he does is right and it is wife's responsibility to initiate a conversation even if husband doesn't and he has his entire family backing him on this. I cant seem to change my mind or my parent's mind. I can't seem to make myself like my husband. At this rate I don't know if there is any future with him at all. I mean people who wants a maid and not a wife and who thinks this way and insults others.... I am not sure if they are gonna change. My parents want to force me into this just for the fear that I might be left alone in life and more importantly for the reputation of the family but they don't think that in this marriage I will for ever be anxious and unhappy. Please help and extremely sorry for the long letter.

Ans: Dear A, Isn't it time that you took charge of your life?

If what you mentioned happened exactly that way, take charge of your life now.

It doesn't make any sense changing anyone; they will change only when they want to and wish to. But it's also worth it to figure out if you are blaming your marriage for your misery.

Do become aware if you are basing your unhappiness on things that should have happened and then blaming your marriage to aggravate that situation. This isn’t healthy.

Sometimes in life, we don't get what we have planned but with a better mind, it is possible to set things right.

Is it possible that your unhappy state of mind might also have caused a lot of unrest within the marriage?

Also, I will agree that it is quite hurtful when you hear from your in-laws that you weren't the first choice for their son.

So, you are in a place where you have to figure out: Which hurts you more... the fact that you didn't want to get married in the first place and was forced into it or the fact that your in-laws aren't happy with you.

Two different sides of the coin; which side is your situation in?

Think and reflect deeply because only you know how to get to a space that keeps you happy and sane.

If walking out of the marriage is what you feel, then do that keeping in mind how life is going to be financially and emotionally.

If you decide to work on the marriage, then have a clear communication involving your parents and in-laws and husband as well and work through the fact that your in laws maybe with you forever and this is a fact that needs to be accepted for your peace of mind.

Being anxious will not help. Do get help from a marriage counsellor to strengthen your relationship.

Whatever that decision maybe, stick by it and do it only because you want it and not because you think someone caused it.

We are all a product of our choices and every choice must only lead to a better state of mind and thereby a better life.

Be happy always!

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