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Dear A,

Some people love comparing just to hurt the person.

Now why she wants to hurt you, is something that I don’t have information on. (Your mail is very brief with not much information shared).

If you do almost everything to make her happy as you have mentioned, why would she compare you with other guys?

Obviously, there is something that she feels a lack of. So instead of going mad or running away from it, can you in fact love her and care more for her?

At times, women just need a lot of care and attention, and they respond beautifully to their man.

Maybe she misses that attention from you. If you feel that’s not the case, sit down and talk frankly.

Most of the times, clear and frank communication solves most marital issues. (These are general suggestions as I don’t have much information from you to work on.)

So, communicate more, love more and care for her more.

All the best!

Hi.

First of all, clearly articulate your achievements with the specific targets you have met.

Have a formal discussion with your manager and also send her/him a formal mail.

You can approach HR if you are not convinced with your manager’s response.

Dear A,

Kindly as yourself: what was the Live-in relationship?

Was it a relationship for her and not for you?

I really don’t understand what you mean by: She thought of your support as Love and that you were not serious commitment from your side.

It’s possible when you both were in a Live-in arrangement, she would have considered this as a relationship and become serious about it.

Since now it has gotten into a marriage stage for her, please respect her mind space and have a serious talk about this.

Take consideration of her feelings when you convey yours.

This is going to take some effort as you ease her into a space where she understands where you are in this connection.

Getting into another relationship for a distraction might not be a great idea; so do spend some time very amicably closing this one where the two of you can be mature about this.

All the best!

Dear Anonymous,

These are your words that stood out for me.

‘I miss myself being in love and happy.

'I miss my own very smile.'

So, who is stopping you from these? Be in love, be happy, smile when you want.

You have tied these things to your marriage and have hoped that putting things together will bring a smile back on your face. As much as it’s true, it won’t be long lasting.

Now let’s focus on your marriage. What is this ‘being sent here, sent back there’?

What are you, some parcel/courier package to be sent here and there at will?

The first time that you felt that this being sent here and there was NOT OKAY, that would have been the time to voice it out.

Situations of a husband and wife being physically apart can come in anytime during a marriage. But this has to be handled with a lot of love and communication and not keeping silent and controlling it his way.

What has caused your hurt is the fact of non-communication from him, inability to validate your feelings, making you feel guilty for expressing your feelings and his unwillingness to work on this?

Request a person known to both of you to mediate to set up a meeting if both of you want to be in this marriage and live in peace and harmony. If you don’t step up now, things will be emotionally draining.

Also, as a woman, you don’t have to feel guilty for saying that something is not alright and that you want things to be different. You do not have to mask it with a statement that ‘he is a good man’ etc.

Be honest to yourself about what you feel and what you want. It helps putting things into perspective faster. STEP UP NOW and SPEAK.

Do that favour onto yourself please and also expect things to go the other way especially if he does not want to mutually set things right.

No matter what, know that strength from within is what will help you sort things for the better.

Be strong and value yourself. All the best!

Dear A,

Before you confuse yourselves and others, seek professional help from someone who specialises in sexual orientation and challenges from it.

It can be very confusing to deal with this alone especially in a society that can scoff at same gender relationships.

Surround yourself with a lot of love and people who value you for who you are.

You need an independent view who can ask you questions that will put things into perspective and help you negotiate better with your confusions.

Remember confusions precede clarity, so never stop and keep moving.

Love yourself and your best friend even more as that’s what is going to help the two of you sail through this challenging time.

Sexual orientation moving away from what’s ‘normal’ can be scary and can throw us off balance as we have suddenly cut off the oxygen supply of support: which is society, family and friends who may or may not understand this.

Whatever this is, the confusion needs to be handled, so bring a third person’s expertise to move ahead. It definitely helps!

All the best!

Dear A,

What more does he need to do for you to see what he is worth at this moment?

Dilly-dallying in the current relationship by relying on external relationship, ain’t fun, yeah?

‘Sister’ is a convenient label used when a man isn’t sure about his feelings for her, or he is sure and doesn’t want his current partner (namely, you) to go nasty on him.

Why she is keen on his whereabouts is anyone’s guess! Did you tell her off and ask her to find out herself? What are you, a messenger between the two of them?

And when you do talk to him, ask him: where is his mind on your relationship and what he plans on telling his ‘sister’?

Oh and if his answers don’t satisfy you or he still comes across as evasive, you know what to do then.

All the best!

Dear A,

He is seeking attention, validation and care from you and you are also getting that in return from him.

Does this qualify to be in a relationship with a married man? You know the answer to it and the complications that will arise alongside.

You are confused because in your heart you know that something is amiss.

Listen to what your heart points out to and if you feel breaking up with him is the best thing like you did thrice, the next time stick with it.

Why retract? Maybe because you feel weak at that moment and give in.

Every time you give in, you are back to the same confusion. So, time to evaluate your thoughts and ask yourself: What will happen if I move on without him?

What life can I have an opportunity to create on my terms in complete clarity and away from this confusion?

Will this life that I create be better for me and my child in terms of being at peace?

What if I seek a relationship with someone who is in a similar space like I am in now?

Do this reality check and then do the right thing. You know you can do this, and you want to for a life that can be lived in clarity and harmony.

All the best to you!

He’s stalling. Ask him why point blank.

Obviously, the living-in part was to see how compatible you are under the same roof together and, if it’s the ideal situation, he should be as on-board as you.

And yes, plenty of people are registering their marriages during lockdown and holding receptions after so that can’t be a valid reason.

If it’s so important to you, and that was the decision you made when you moved in together, tell him to honour it or let you know the truth about why he’s still not sure.

And if he isn’t sure, well that’s a whole other ballgame. You can’t pressure someone into marrying you and if you did, that would be a mistake.

If what you mentioned happened exactly that way, take charge of your life now.

It doesn't make any sense changing anyone; they will change only when they want to and wish to. But it's also worth it to figure out if you are blaming your marriage for your misery.

Do become aware if you are basing your unhappiness on things that should have happened and then blaming your marriage to aggravate that situation. This isn’t healthy.

Sometimes in life, we don't get what we have planned but with a better mind, it is possible to set things right.

Is it possible that your unhappy state of mind might also have caused a lot of unrest within the marriage?

Also, I will agree that it is quite hurtful when you hear from your in-laws that you weren't the first choice for their son.

So, you are in a place where you have to figure out: Which hurts you more... the fact that you didn't want to get married in the first place and was forced into it or the fact that your in-laws aren't happy with you.

Two different sides of the coin; which side is your situation in?

Think and reflect deeply because only you know how to get to a space that keeps you happy and sane.

If walking out of the marriage is what you feel, then do that keeping in mind how life is going to be financially and emotionally.

If you decide to work on the marriage, then have a clear communication involving your parents and in-laws and husband as well and work through the fact that your in laws maybe with you forever and this is a fact that needs to be accepted for your peace of mind.

Being anxious will not help. Do get help from a marriage counsellor to strengthen your relationship.

Whatever that decision maybe, stick by it and do it only because you want it and not because you think someone caused it.

We are all a product of our choices and every choice must only lead to a better state of mind and thereby a better life.

Be happy always!

If she does, see how both of you can rebuild it.

If she has moved on, then it’s obvious to move on as well. Easier said than done, I know.

But if you weigh what you lose by being in a zone of misery and anxiety versus what you can do and be when you move on, I guess it’s obvious what you must choose for yourself.

Start with initially distracting yourself from the phone into things that matter.

Do simple things; any repair in the house that you have put off or any course that you have been procrastinating about.

This is the time to start deeply focusing into something that will give you a sense of achievement that will enable you to have a better feeling from within.

Slowly, start to increase the level of difficulty of these tasks and soon, though you might still remember her, it will not be through pain or anguish but more a good memory.

Start now and always make sure you are surrounded by friends who pull you when you feel that ‘down’ moment.

Do remember, there was a reason why the two of you parted.

Honour and respect that reason and move on if that’s what is necessary for your peace of mind.

My best wishes to you!

She transitions into a beautiful phase of her life. But with this comes the responsibility of caring for a new-born or in your case a toddle round the clock.

She hardly has the time to focus on being a wife with the constant feeding and changing of nappies.

Added to that is she’s working, then there’s additional office work besides also taking care of the household chores.

Also, a woman goes through a lot of changes in her body after the delivery and for a few women sex is off the cards for a while after that.

This could be because some women feel that their body is not what their husbands will love anymore and also her focus has shifted on to her baby who needs her love, care and support 24/7.

There is a bond between the mother and the child that at times can irk a few husbands who can translate that as feeling ignored and angry.

This is the time the new father can also spring into action and come together for his lady and his child.

Support your wife unconditionally and love her without any expectations in return

Offer to care for the baby so that she can take some time-off to rejuvenate herself

Encourage her to indulge in a hobby that she might have stopped because of the baby; this will help her be in a happy space

Compliment her and engage in a little off-the-bedroom intimacy like hugging, kissing and holding hands

Watch movies together and do a couple of things that bonded you as a couple before the baby arrived

Smile at her warmly and reassure her that no matter what nothing has changed and that she is still the woman that you loved and married

Does this work? Yes, it does…Love and reassurance can cause a lot of calmness in her and arouse her better in bed.

And if there’s something still amiss, then maybe you could talk to a gynecologist who can guide both of you on the next steps and rule out any medical challenges. All is well.

Simply be in Love. Wishing you and your family a beautiful life!

Sit down as a couple and if it is with a marriage counsellor, it might help as you can have an independent view of things.

Wouldn’t you want to know if your wife wants to continue in this marriage or not?

It’s like closing your eyes and pretending not to look at the elephant in the room.

Why she keeps away from you and why she doesn’t want intimacy in the marriage and whether she wants to be married to you -- these questions need to be answered, so that both of you as mature adults can prioritise what’s important and either work together for the marriage or move on with your lives going separate.

Whatever that emerges out of it needs communication to begin with right this very moment.

Be at peace!

Has she been clinically diagnosed? Most often, I find people throwing this word around loosely without knowing what depression truly is.

For all you know, she may simply be low or upset over something that comes and goes frequently.

Assuming that this is case from what you have stated in your email, what is the reason that you feel she brings up these conversations from the past?

What triggers it? Is there a reference to your mother or sister in any current context?

Is anyone praising them currently and she doesn’t like it? Is she being compared to them in any manner?

Has she lost or given up anything in the past because of them that is impacting her now?

Do a reality check with her or if you know the answers to these, you will know what exactly is going on in your mind.

Questions like these can point you in a direction that will enable you to help her rather than see her as a problem.

She may not be willing to go to a professional for help as most of us think that it is NOTHING.

Stress and sadness are real and over a period of time, it can rob us of even the smallest of joys that we deserve.

It's easy to say: Forget the past; one cannot forget the past or what happened there BUT one can only change the way they feel about the past.

Replaying what happened means she is reliving the same experience over and over again and feels the reality of this even now which must be dulled and faded away.

Why does she hold onto this is because it perhaps gives her the solace of not doing anything about it now and it’s easy to play the blame game?

At times, we seek refuge under phrases like: My life is a living hell because of this or that. This could also be hiding away from opportunities and blaming the world for it.

What I am sharing here is based on what information that I have got from you.

I suggest start with the reality check questions first and see how it goes as this will give you vital information on what’s going on in her mind.

Most importantly, reiterate to her to be grateful for the things and people in her life right now.

Gratitude as an energy can liberate us from mundane occurrences and can keep us sane and calm.

Best wishes to you and your wife for a wonderful life.