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Broken Marriage with Uncooperative Wife: Can My Marriage Be Saved?

Anu

Anu Krishna  |1477 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Nov 11, 2024

Anu Krishna is a mind coach and relationship expert.
The co-founder of Unfear Changemakers LLP, she has received her neuro linguistic programming training from National Federation of NeuroLinguistic Programming, USA, and her energy work specialisation from the Institute for Inner Studies, Manila.
She is an executive member of the Indian Association of Adolescent Health.... more
Asked by Anonymous - Nov 10, 2024Hindi
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Relationship

Dear Ma'am, Thank you from all with great answers..I have a broken marriage need your help..I have been married for 9 years with a boy of almost 4 years. My wife is very adamant and is very influenced by her sister and mother after her fathers death 5 years ago. She has left me for almost 8 months now and wants me to leave seperately from my age old parents with serious age ailments. I don't want to as they have taken care of me and my siblings their entire life. How can i be so selfish? Well my wife has completely avoided me and not showing my son and keeping closed doors and not attending or receiving my calls as I tried getting help from their father's family side. I have travelled umpteen times for the sake of saving my marriage and kid. Will he not a father is my question here? My wife is unemployed leaving in the sake of her father's saving and sister's job. I do not know what would be the future of my kid in these circumstances. I have not reached to any legal conclusions as I don't want either of the families to go into such burden. Please help me what should I do?

Ans: Dear Anonymous,
People respond very differently to a critical event in their lives. In this case, your wife's father's death has caused her to bank on her side of the family for whatever reasons. It could be emotional...this phase has not timed itself out and is still continuing for her!
She has lost sight of what this has done to the marriage or what impact it is having on the child. Now, you are faced with a situation where you have to choose between your wife and parents. Horrible state; but hey, life can throw a lot of curveballs for you to learn how to navigate. Is it possible to shift your parents to say a home right next to yours where you can always keep an eye on them. And this arrangement only until your wife settles back into your home. That way, you are not abandoning your parents and still making room for your wife and child to come back. Yes, it may seem cruel initially to keep your parents our of your home, but how else can you explain to a wife who refuses to come back home. You don't want to lose any more time with you son...

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

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Anu

Anu Krishna  |1477 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Sep 13, 2023

Asked by Anonymous - Sep 12, 2023Hindi
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I have second marriage and staying 9 years. Now my age is 50 years, and my wife age is 40. I have one child years of years 6. I am in a managerial Position in a company. My wife is a Housewife and her behavior's, misconduct, lack of ownership towards me as well as home is always upset and irritate me. My child was born by IFV method due to her irregular period. She has got many opportunities to recover this problem and treatment also got an early-stage life. Due to lack of her understanding and knowledge, lack of own effort, irresponsible and liar nature, did not overcome her problem and therefore, we cannot go for second baby. Now me and my son also suffer from 2nd baby, though I have sufficient resource to look two children. I need to monitor all the things of my son’s health, extracurricular activity, education etc. She also neglects my mother. I feel she is very quality less and very dirty woman and talking valueless, not concern with health of own as well as other family member. Therefore, I and my wife staying in same home, but from last 4 years I have been separated from my wife and living in separate room. Sometimes I think to separate from my wife, but it may affect relation with my son as well as his mental condition. I am trying to adopt a second child also. I found she is not concern with quality, health, and economy. Therefore, I need to do home marketing, finance, monitoring home, health etc. which has already affected at my career also. Please advise me what to do? I feel my future is very dark with my wife. No emotions, no love and intimacy in the relation. I do regular walking & jogging and gardening is also my hobby.
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
When you seem to have decided that your wife is not going to change, no matter what happens, you will not be able to see that change. Everything about her will be irritating and annoying.
Now you say that she could have done something to avoid IVF, but why are you not thankful that you have a child now.
Having another child as well has to be the choice of both parents. Does your wife want another baby? Just by having money to support the child is not enough. You also need to have the mental and physical ability and willingness to raise another child. Also, do you think it is wise to have another child with the current relationship challenges with your wife?
There seems to be some assumptions that you have made about your wife which could have happened due to misunderstandings and arguments over years. It is definitely from both sides. But since, you are writing in...I can only address your concerns...Obviously her lack of interest in the family also suggests that she also seems to have her challenges.
So, before anything else...first work on having a better marriage and this is a suggestion for both of you! You can eat the fruit from a tree without first planting the seed for the tree to grow.

Seek the help of a professional if you can so that both of you can first learn how to communicate with each other and then settles your differences and then you can start planning a brighter future. Continue with your exercise and always try to look for what's positive in your life. It helps to tide over challenges and have a better outlook towards life!

All the best!

..Read more

Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |519 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Oct 31, 2023

Asked by Anonymous - Oct 29, 2023Hindi
Relationship
Hi Ma'am, I am 36 years old and got married in the year 2014. I wanted to be in a joint family but my wife does not like it from the starting days itself. My parents used to stay with me periodically but not continuously. We have 2 boy children now. During my 1st boy child naming ceremony, my wife's family created issues and threatened me and my mother with bad words and forced for a separate family which i never agreed. After that issue, my wife never returned to my matrimonial home. After lot of efforts from my relatives, we joined back again. But the personal vengeance of my wife on my parents still continued. She used to misbehave with them some times like not listening to my mother's words and she never used to help my mother on all the house hold activities. My mother used to take care of all the household works. In the mean time we are blessed with 2nd boy. She stayed in my house during her second pregnancy, her preganancy well assisted by my mother and me both financially and emotionally. But i used to tell my wife to do very small houshold activities to make her physically well fit for her normal delivery but she took that suggession in a wring way and considered it as a torcher. During her ninth month of her pregnancy she went to her parents house to write a competitive exam but never returned back instead she continued to stay there and returning back to my home. So it has been more than two years now that she left me. During this time, i visited for her birthday, her father died, me and my parents visited his funeral, i visited my sons birthday. So i almost did all my efforts to bring back her to my home but she refused all my chances. So I filed a divorce case since i dont have any hope in my marriage life anymore. But i wanted to live with her since we have two children. Any suggestions/advices please.
Ans: I understand the complex and challenging situation you're facing in your marriage. It's clear that there have been significant conflicts and misunderstandings between you and your wife, and you've made attempts to resolve them. Here are some thoughts and advice from a counseling perspective:

Open Communication: Effective and empathetic communication is crucial. Encourage both you and your wife to express your feelings and concerns in a safe and non-confrontational manner. A counselor can help facilitate these discussions and ensure that both parties have a chance to be heard.
Professional Counseling: Seeking the help of a qualified marriage counselor or therapist is highly recommended. A counselor can provide a neutral perspective, offer strategies for conflict resolution, and help you both explore the underlying issues in your relationship.
Child-Centered Approach: As you have children, it's vital to prioritize their well-being. Regardless of the outcome, work together on a co-parenting plan that focuses on their emotional and psychological needs. A counselor can assist in creating a plan that ensures your children's stability and happiness.
Understanding and Empathy: Try to understand each other's perspectives, feelings, and needs. There seems to be a lack of understanding between you and your wife, and it's important to build empathy and find common ground.
Legal Matters: Consult with a family lawyer to fully understand your rights, responsibilities, and potential outcomes regarding divorce, child custody, and financial matters. It's crucial to be well-informed about the legal implications of your decisions.
Reconciliation Efforts: If both you and your wife are open to the possibility of reconciliation, be prepared for a long and challenging process. It will require time, patience, and a willingness to address the root causes of your issues.
Understanding: Try to understand your wife's perspective and feelings, and encourage her to understand yours. Misunderstandings can often lead to conflicts, and gaining insight into each other's point of view can be a first step toward resolution.
Co-parenting: Regardless of the outcome of your marriage, your focus should be on the well-being of your children. It's essential to develop a co-parenting plan that prioritizes their needs and stability. Self-Care: Take care of your own well-being. Navigating these difficult circumstances can be emotionally and mentally taxing, so ensure you maintain your own emotional and mental health.
Reflect on Your Expectations: Take time to reflect on your expectations regarding family arrangements and what you're willing to compromise on. It may be necessary to find a middle ground between your desire for a joint family and your wife's preference for a separate one.

Remember that the decision to reconcile or proceed with the divorce should be made with the well-being of both you and your wife, as well as your children, in mind. Professional counseling and mediation can provide the support and tools you need to navigate this challenging situation. Whether the ultimate goal is reconciliation or an amicable separation, the involvement of a qualified therapist can be instrumental in moving forward in a healthy and constructive way.

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Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |519 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on May 29, 2024

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Relationship
I am 42 years old, working in a PSU bank for 11 years. I have my Mother at home who is 73 years and retired state govt. Officer. My Father passed away in 2013 just after I joined my job. He was a state govt. Officer. I am married and have one son 8.5 years old studying in class 4. My wife is working in state govt. She often leaves my home with our son and goes to her father's place which is just near to my house because of minor issues like any hot talk with me. She has no problem with my Mother. We had a love marriage and we dated for 13 years and in 2015 got married. I am a family bound guy but when wife leaves me, I and mostly my Mother falls into trouble due to all household works are to be done by her as I have minimum time in the morning to help her. Our maid left one months back. I am searching one but not getting. Last year I and my wife stayed apart for 9 months in total, not at a time but in two parts. I sent her lawyers letter 3 months back after she left me in January this year. She came back 2 months back and left again after one month. I really miss my son and wife when they are not with me. My Mother also miss her grandson and becomes hopeless. I can't find any solution to this. Please suggest what will I do. I have lots of pressure at workplace and not satisfied with my job too as bank has lots of problems these days. I think of leaving job to support my Mother. I will leave job surely if something odd happens to my Mother. My Father took 3 words from me before death to Look after Mother, to look after house and to look after the house belongings. Already I am unable to keep all 3 words properly. I feel guilty of myself. Please guide me about my career and family life.
Ans: Dear DP
Navigating your current situation requires a strategic approach that balances your professional and personal responsibilities. Communication is key. Have an open and calm conversation with your wife to understand her perspective and express your concerns without assigning blame. Counseling can be beneficial here, offering a neutral space to discuss underlying issues and improve your relationship dynamics.

Supporting your mother is equally important. While searching for a permanent solution for household help, consider temporary alternatives such as part-time assistance or community support services. Engage your mother in local senior activities to provide her with social interaction and support.

Addressing your job dissatisfaction is also crucial. Explore other roles within your bank or in other PSUs that match your skills but offer a less stressful environment. Professional development can open new career opportunities. Taking regular breaks, practicing mindfulness, and ensuring a work-life balance can help manage your stress levels.

By focusing on these areas—open communication with your wife, practical support for your mother, and exploring less stressful job options—you can work towards a more stable and fulfilling family and professional life.

..Read more

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Nayagam P

Nayagam P P  |4091 Answers  |Ask -

Career Counsellor - Answered on Feb 04, 2025

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Career
Hello sir My daughter is in 8th grade ICSCE and moving to 9th now, she need to choose subjects. She is not interested in maths but want to take commerce and economics. Without maths will there be good options in future for studies and career? Please assist
Ans: Praveen, Your daughter has great job choices in banking, finance, marketing, law, corporate secretary, mass communication, journalism, and hotel management even if she can pursue Commerce and Economics without Mathematics. Higher studies possibilities comprise B.Com (Bachelor of Commerce), B.A (Bachelor of Business Administration), BA Economics, Law (BA LLB/BVA LLB), Mass Communication & Journalism, and Hotel Management. Jobs in banking and finance; marketing and sales; HR; corporate secretary; legal profession; and entrepreneurship abound. Nonetheless, some elite institutions and universities could demand Mathematics, and disciplines like Data Science, Finance, and Actuarial Science mostly depend on it. She can still have a brilliant future in commerce and economics even if she hates maths greatly. She should investigate courses in Business Studies, Accountancy, or Entrepreneurship alongside Commerce & Economics since Applied Mathematics can be a useful substitute. Please note, The level of Mathematics required in Commerce and Economics depends on the specific subjects and career paths chosen. Commerce without Maths involves basic calculations and logic-based thinking, while Economics without Maths involves basic statistics, graphs, and logical reasoning. B.Sc. Economics requires higher Maths, while Commerce with Applied Maths covers practical topics like financial mathematics, probability, statistics, and logical reasoning. Career paths include B.Com, BBA, CS, Law, HR, Digital Marketing, and Entrepreneurship. If a daughter dislikes Maths but wants Commerce/Economics, Commerce without Maths is a safe choice. If she is not able to cope up with ICSCE Board, it is advisable to change her into CBSE. If she is struggling with the ICSE board, it is advisable to transfer her to CBSE. All the Best for Your Daughter's Prosperous Future.

Follow RediffGURUS to know more on 'Careers | Health | Money | Relationships'.

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Milind

Milind Vadjikar  |961 Answers  |Ask -

Insurance, Stocks, MF, PF Expert - Answered on Feb 03, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Feb 02, 2025Hindi
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Money
Dear Milind Sir, Please refer below comments for your further queries I am 50 year old want to retire this year. My current corpus 1.4 Cr FD , owned 2 flats total worth 1.2 cr.and site worh 60 L in 2 tier city . Term insurance of 2 cr. Invested in varous polcies around 1 cr . I have one daughter studying in 10th class. Wife fitness trainer and karate trainer wanted to open her own fitness class. Planning to earn through some passive income ( trading, shares) Can i retireAns: Hello; Are you occupying one of the two flat owned by you or both are given on rent? Yes I am occupying one of the flat. Getting monthly rent of 12 K and i am planning to sell it off If yes how much rental income/expense? How much is the current total regular monthly expense? Current monthly expenses 40 to 50 k Answer to these queries will help us to guide you suitably.
Ans: Hello;

You may sell the second flat and land site owned by you.

It may fetch you around 1.1 Cr(~50 L flat value and 60 L land site value).

Therefore your total corpus adds upto around 2.5 Cr(1.4 Cr FD+ 1.1 Cr RE sale proceeds).

You may keep a sum of 50 L towards higher education corpus for your child.

For the balance 2 Cr, if you buy an immediate annuity, you may expect a monthly income of around 1 L.

This conveniently meets your regular monthly expenses and provides a surplus.

Part of the surplus may be invested in equity savings type mutual funds so as build a corpus over 10 years which may be used to boost retirement income.

Maturity proceeds of various endowment policies which have subscribed to, may be used to step up the annuity income to account for inflation.

Annuities may have lower rate then FD but it is offered for long tenures thereby avoiding the reinvestment risk.

Ultimately it is your preference.

Do buy adequate healthcare insurance for yourself and your family.

Also a word of caution on plan to undertake trading and investment in direct stocks. Define a certain minimum risk capital (say 10 L) which you may not mind even if lost completely and then venture out for stock trading. No MTF, No FNO.

Also take trades based on own self study or recommendation from a registered research analyst. Trading based on social media and TV tips is a sure way to disaster.

Happy Investing;
X: @mars_invest

...Read more

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7776 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Feb 03, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Feb 03, 2025Hindi
Money
I m 48 years old. Married with no kids. I have Pf of 12 lakhs, ppf of 15 lakhs, NPS 16 lakhs. MF 50 lakhs. Fd 5 lakhs. I live in metro. I have own house. When can I retire at the earliest?
Ans: You are 48 years old, married, with no children.

Your retirement savings include:

Provident Fund (PF): Rs. 12 lakhs

Public Provident Fund (PPF): Rs. 15 lakhs

National Pension System (NPS): Rs. 16 lakhs

Mutual Funds: Rs. 50 lakhs

Fixed Deposits (FD): Rs. 5 lakhs

You own your home and live in a metro city.

This forms a solid foundation for early retirement planning.

Key Financial Goals to Consider
Retirement Corpus: Ensuring your savings last 35+ years post-retirement.

Lifestyle Expenses: Covering day-to-day costs in a metro city.

Healthcare: Planning for medical expenses beyond insurance coverage.

Inflation: Managing the rising cost of living over time.

Each goal will help us determine when you can retire comfortably.

Assessing Your Retirement Readiness
At 48, you are close to traditional retirement age.

Your current corpus totals Rs. 98 lakhs across investments.

Without kids, future expenses may be more predictable.

However, healthcare and inflation remain key concerns.

Let’s break down if your corpus is enough to retire early.

Estimating Retirement Expenses
Living in a metro city usually means higher expenses.

Consider daily costs, utilities, transportation, and leisure activities.

Don’t forget to factor in unexpected medical emergencies.

Estimate your current monthly expenses and adjust for inflation.

This helps identify the income needed post-retirement.

The Role of Inflation
Inflation reduces your money’s value over time.

Even with a modest rate, expenses double in 12-15 years.

Investments must outpace inflation to maintain your lifestyle.

Equity exposure helps achieve inflation-beating returns.

Ignoring inflation risks depleting your corpus too soon.

Evaluating Your Current Investments
Mutual Funds (Rs. 50 lakhs): Offer growth potential for long-term needs.

NPS (Rs. 16 lakhs): Provides retirement-focused growth with tax benefits.

PPF (Rs. 15 lakhs): Safe, tax-free returns but limited liquidity.

PF (Rs. 12 lakhs): Offers stable, long-term growth.

FDs (Rs. 5 lakhs): Provides safety but low returns after tax.

A diversified mix, but needs optimization for early retirement.

Generating Regular Income After Retirement
Use Systematic Withdrawal Plans (SWP) from mutual funds for monthly income.

SWPs offer regular payouts while keeping your investments growing.

Allocate part of your corpus to debt funds for stable income.

Equity investments continue to grow for long-term needs.

This strategy balances income and growth effectively.

Rebalancing Your Portfolio for Retirement
Shift gradually from high-risk to balanced investments.

Keep 60-70% in equity for long-term growth initially.

Allocate 30-40% to debt instruments for stability.

Review and adjust annually based on market conditions.

This approach reduces risks while maintaining growth.

Managing Fixed Deposits Wisely
Rs. 5 lakhs in FDs provides liquidity but low returns.

Consider shifting some to debt mutual funds for better returns.

Keep a portion as an emergency fund for quick access.

Avoid over-reliance on FDs, as they lose value against inflation.

Optimizing FDs enhances overall portfolio returns.

Planning for Healthcare Costs
Medical expenses rise sharply with age.

Ensure you have comprehensive health insurance coverage.

Consider a top-up health policy for additional protection.

Build a dedicated health emergency fund.

Healthcare planning is critical, especially without employer coverage post-retirement.

Emergency Fund for Unexpected Expenses
Maintain an emergency fund covering 12-18 months of expenses.

Keep it in liquid mutual funds or high-interest savings accounts.

This prevents the need to withdraw from long-term investments during crises.

Financial security comes from being prepared for the unexpected.

Tax Planning for Retirement
Post-retirement income will still be taxable.

SWP from mutual funds is tax-efficient compared to interest income.

Long-term capital gains on equity have favorable tax treatment.

Use senior citizen tax benefits once eligible.

Effective tax planning increases your net income.

Identifying the Earliest Retirement Age
Your corpus is close to Rs. 1 crore.

To retire now, this corpus must sustain for 35+ years.

Consider working for a few more years to boost savings.

Alternatively, reduce lifestyle expenses for early retirement.

The earliest retirement age depends on your income needs and risk tolerance.

Strategies to Boost Your Retirement Corpus
Increase investments in growth-oriented mutual funds.

Maximize contributions to PPF and NPS for tax-free growth.

Reinvest returns from FDs into higher-yielding instruments.

Delay retirement by 2-3 years to strengthen your corpus.

Small changes today can make a big difference later.

Importance of Regular Portfolio Reviews
Review your financial plan annually.

Adjust for changes in expenses, income, or market conditions.

Rebalance your portfolio to maintain the right asset mix.

Financial planning is a continuous process, not a one-time task.

Staying Disciplined with Your Investments
Avoid panic-selling during market fluctuations.

Stick to your long-term goals and investment strategy.

Don’t make emotional decisions based on short-term trends.

Discipline is the key to successful retirement planning.

Planning for Legacy and Estate
Create a will to specify how your assets will be distributed.

Appoint nominees for all your financial accounts.

Consider setting up a trust if needed for complex situations.

Estate planning ensures your wealth is managed as per your wishes.

Reducing Expenses for Early Retirement
Identify non-essential expenses that can be reduced.

Focus on experiences rather than material possessions.

Optimize utility bills, subscriptions, and lifestyle costs.

Lower expenses mean less stress on your retirement corpus.

Diversification: Spreading Risk for Safety
Don’t put all your money in one type of investment.

Spread across equity, debt, and fixed-income instruments.

Diversification reduces risk and improves returns.

A well-diversified portfolio offers stability in all market conditions.

Managing Lifestyle Inflation
Lifestyle inflation increases expenses as income grows.

Post-retirement, control lifestyle costs to preserve wealth.

Focus on meaningful activities that don’t require high spending.

Smart lifestyle choices help stretch your retirement corpus.

Building Passive Income Streams
Explore passive income sources like dividends from mutual funds.

Rental income (if applicable) can supplement retirement income.

Passive income reduces dependence on your retirement corpus.

Multiple income streams provide financial security.

Finally
You’ve built a strong financial foundation with Rs. 98 lakhs in savings.

However, retiring immediately may strain your corpus over 35+ years.

Consider working for a few more years to boost savings.

Alternatively, reduce expenses to make early retirement feasible.

Stay invested, review regularly, and focus on long-term goals.

This approach will secure a comfortable and stress-free retirement.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in
https://www.youtube.com/@HolisticInvestment

...Read more

DISCLAIMER: The content of this post by the expert is the personal view of the rediffGURU. Investment in securities market are subject to market risks. Read all the related document carefully before investing. The securities quoted are for illustration only and are not recommendatory. Users are advised to pursue the information provided by the rediffGURU only as a source of information and as a point of reference and to rely on their own judgement when making a decision. RediffGURUS is an intermediary as per India's Information Technology Act.

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