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Kanchan Rai  |82 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Oct 31, 2023

Asked by Anonymous - Oct 29, 2023Translate

Hi Ma'am, I am 36 years old and got married in the year 2014. I wanted to be in a joint family but my wife does not like it from the starting days itself. My parents used to stay with me periodically but not continuously. We have 2 boy children now. During my 1st boy child naming ceremony, my wife's family created issues and threatened me and my mother with bad words and forced for a separate family which i never agreed. After that issue, my wife never returned to my matrimonial home. After lot of efforts from my relatives, we joined back again. But the personal vengeance of my wife on my parents still continued. She used to misbehave with them some times like not listening to my mother's words and she never used to help my mother on all the house hold activities. My mother used to take care of all the household works. In the mean time we are blessed with 2nd boy. She stayed in my house during her second pregnancy, her preganancy well assisted by my mother and me both financially and emotionally. But i used to tell my wife to do very small houshold activities to make her physically well fit for her normal delivery but she took that suggession in a wring way and considered it as a torcher. During her ninth month of her pregnancy she went to her parents house to write a competitive exam but never returned back instead she continued to stay there and returning back to my home. So it has been more than two years now that she left me. During this time, i visited for her birthday, her father died, me and my parents visited his funeral, i visited my sons birthday. So i almost did all my efforts to bring back her to my home but she refused all my chances. So I filed a divorce case since i dont have any hope in my marriage life anymore. But i wanted to live with her since we have two children. Any suggestions/advices please.

Ans: I understand the complex and challenging situation you're facing in your marriage. It's clear that there have been significant conflicts and misunderstandings between you and your wife, and you've made attempts to resolve them. Here are some thoughts and advice from a counseling perspective:

Open Communication: Effective and empathetic communication is crucial. Encourage both you and your wife to express your feelings and concerns in a safe and non-confrontational manner. A counselor can help facilitate these discussions and ensure that both parties have a chance to be heard.
Professional Counseling: Seeking the help of a qualified marriage counselor or therapist is highly recommended. A counselor can provide a neutral perspective, offer strategies for conflict resolution, and help you both explore the underlying issues in your relationship.
Child-Centered Approach: As you have children, it's vital to prioritize their well-being. Regardless of the outcome, work together on a co-parenting plan that focuses on their emotional and psychological needs. A counselor can assist in creating a plan that ensures your children's stability and happiness.
Understanding and Empathy: Try to understand each other's perspectives, feelings, and needs. There seems to be a lack of understanding between you and your wife, and it's important to build empathy and find common ground.
Legal Matters: Consult with a family lawyer to fully understand your rights, responsibilities, and potential outcomes regarding divorce, child custody, and financial matters. It's crucial to be well-informed about the legal implications of your decisions.
Reconciliation Efforts: If both you and your wife are open to the possibility of reconciliation, be prepared for a long and challenging process. It will require time, patience, and a willingness to address the root causes of your issues.
Understanding: Try to understand your wife's perspective and feelings, and encourage her to understand yours. Misunderstandings can often lead to conflicts, and gaining insight into each other's point of view can be a first step toward resolution.
Co-parenting: Regardless of the outcome of your marriage, your focus should be on the well-being of your children. It's essential to develop a co-parenting plan that prioritizes their needs and stability. Self-Care: Take care of your own well-being. Navigating these difficult circumstances can be emotionally and mentally taxing, so ensure you maintain your own emotional and mental health.
Reflect on Your Expectations: Take time to reflect on your expectations regarding family arrangements and what you're willing to compromise on. It may be necessary to find a middle ground between your desire for a joint family and your wife's preference for a separate one.

Remember that the decision to reconcile or proceed with the divorce should be made with the well-being of both you and your wife, as well as your children, in mind. Professional counseling and mediation can provide the support and tools you need to navigate this challenging situation. Whether the ultimate goal is reconciliation or an amicable separation, the involvement of a qualified therapist can be instrumental in moving forward in a healthy and constructive way.

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Anu Krishna  |626 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jan 27, 2022

Hi Anu,Hope you are in fine health!This will take 4 minutes to read but I plead to you for help.I am a man of 40 years, an engineer working with a reputed MNC as a manager. My wife, 37 is also an engineer working with a global service firm as process lead.We have a son nearing 8 years. We got married in 2012 - an arranged marriage and welcomed our son in early 2014. Things were fine largely in the initial phase. She quit her job in 2013 (a collective decision) to be in London with me for 2 years till 2015. My mother passed away in 2014 so I suggested that we return to Mumbai for good as my dad was alone. She agreed (at least I think so). Upon return I feel her father intervened too much in our family life (coming to our house unwarranted to help my wife, when my father was at my sister's place after bypass surgery). For little things, my wife depended on them although I was always around. In some ways I always thought she wanted me to be like her father. A couple of showdowns and family discussions later, she walked out in 2016 with our 2 year-old son. It was a well orchestrated event with her father, sister, far-flung cousin picking her up with 8-9 bundles of belongings, including our marriage certificate and son's birth certificates (Indian and London). I viewed it as a betrayal but kept mum. I went to her place 4 times in the following month to meet my son but her mother threatened me with 498A in the last meeting. I feel they had ulterior motives to this entire episode -- I am an IT engineer so they knew I had money. My wife was unhappy that my dad's flat in a posh locality in Mumbai where we stayed would be split between me and my sister. She had said I and only I should be the inheritor.She put a condition that I can meet my son only at her father's residence, so I was denied access to my son. After a depressing wait of 2 years, I filed custody petition. I secured regular visitation rights to my son. He warmed up to me and I took him to Goa, Kerala, Mysore on separate visits. My belief was 'whatever happens to our relationship, my son should not feel the absence of his father ever' Thinking my wife would have warmed up, I filed restitution 1.5 years later. She fought both petitions tooth and nail, denying me even 30 mins extra visitation. I was supposed to pick my son and drop him from underneath her flat. Humiliation ensued but I stuck to being a good dutiful father which was appreciated and rewarded by the family court counsellor. I was paying his school fees and also nurtured him for 5 months in 2020 at my place when my wife and her family contracted COVID (which she claimed in court as unlawful detention of 'my' son). May be, sensing she is losing ground, all of a sudden she agreed to a mutual divorce in April 2021 with custody shared for 15-15 days every month. A day before the final signing of papers, she asked to meet and said, 'Can't we make this work for our son ? I am ready to come back' I was getting what I always wanted so I relented. Court gave us a trial period of 3 months which went fine. We were physical 5-6 days a week. I suggested a second kid but she used to evade the question by saying 1 kid is enough. She was gelling well with my family but I maintained a distance from her parents as I did not want a repeat. I did not step into her house which she resented. After 3 months, I told her I need 3 more months and she was shocked but went with it. The best thing that was happening was that our son was opening up and was much less anxious. After another 3 months, we were ready to continue as husband and wife and were ready to sign in court in Dec 2021 but got a date in Jan 2022 as judge was absent.NOW, on 29th Dec we got to know that we are expecting. She cried saying she does not want the baby while I feel we should go ahead. The gynaec said at 37 years, it was not too late given that we conceived naturally and she does not have any chronic issues (her reports showed possible onset of diabetes, low haemoglobin levels which doctor said can be treated). We fought again as she said she still wants to tour the world, has her hands full with the first kid and is not mentally and emotionally prepared. My father and I spoke to her. I called upon her father who sided with her. Finally on 5th Jan she conveyed that she was firm on abortion. I said I am not part of this decision as I still feel we can afford the baby and it will strengthen our bond. We have access to the best of doctors who can ensure a good pregnancy. But she was firm so I asked her to 'Do whatever you want. I will not participate'. I asked her to go and stay with her parents until her bleeding stops and come back to my son and me. But I warned her that this act could have consequences, however much we try not to.WHY? Because I feel cheated. Voiceless. Helpless. Powerless. Hurt. Aggrieved. Sad. Guilty. She took the decision independently and was completely detached emotionally from the 6-week baby so as to abort.I am scared to say 'We will continue as husband and wife' in our end-of-trial-period hearing next week. What if she continues to be as stubborn and backstab me each time. I could go into depression. I am seeing a pattern in her behaviour.She hasn't changed -- may be the first 6 months were a farce. She is cold-hearted, manipulative and stubborn. She leaves me when she wants, denies me access to my son in an arm-twisting tactic, makes amends when it suits her and aborts at will. I fear I am setting myself up for bigger betrayals ( last month, she and her parents showed me flats costing ~4 crores because she wants to own one.I bought one for 1.5 crore in 2019 where we are residing right now, in my and my father's name. I have begged that I won't be able to help her financially as I already have a loan; I have two housemaids in the house for food-utensils-mopping and they too complain that she does not get involved in any housework --- like even instructing them what to do. I have brought up sharing-of-expenses 2-3 times but stopped asking after seeing it was not heart-felt from her side) I am feeling like a doormat who is clinging to this relationship too tightly, at my own peril.Can you assist me with questions whose answers will guide me in taking a decision on marriage v/s divorce ? RegardsUnknown

Dear Unknown,

<>I do empathise with whatever you have shared with me. As long as you are willing to offer your emotions to be played with, you will be ping-ponging from one end to the other.

I understand that you wanted to give your marriage a fair chance; and things started to get better in the three months.

But I do fail to understand why you wanted her to go through the pregnancy especially after health challenges that she might have faced. And to keep her away especially when she needs to be with you and the child, is not something that is going to work in anyone’s favour.

Firstly, figure out this: What are you punishing her for? Are you angry with her for walking out on you in 2016 and the treatment meted out to you then and is this anger now mounting on her not wanting the pregnancy?

They are two separate events and need to be looked at separately. To displace anger from one event and map it onto the other, doesn’t show emotional maturity; it will only make matters worse for you.

Things were getting back to normal; and do respect a woman’s choice of having the baby or not…after all, she has to carry the baby within her for 9 months and when it is telling on her health, why shouldn’t you support her as her husband?

You felt cheated the first time; this time it was a decision that needed none of the past feelings coming into it.

If you do want to continue the marriage, it will be a wise decision to live under the same roof, clear all the past unresolved issues and find a way to move ahead. And also, think of the implications this is having on your son who has already experienced so much.

Do the right thing; for you, for her and for the child.

All the best!


Anu Krishna  |626 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Sep 22, 2022

Dear AnuWe got married in December 2015. It was love marriage arranged by our parents.From the first day of marriage my spouse started irritating me. But I love her from the bottom of my heart.She always disrespects my parents but they also didn't say a single word because they don’t want any dispute in our relationship.In July 2017, she forced us to shift to a new home. She’s always fighting with everyone in office, in train and in our society also.I told her to work on her anger otherwise some day we will lose our relationship.From 2017 to Nov 2021 I tried very hard to save my relationship with her but she never understood my love.At the end of 2021 I left my home. There are many complaints register by her in the police station, she harassed me and my family members.Now the divorce case is going on (don't know how many more days it will be)But what is my fault?I loved her truly.Why did she do this to me?How should I manage my life? I can't concentrate anywhere.Every day I am in tears.I want to keep this confidential.Thank you very much in advance.RegardsLR

Dear LR,

What happened is beyond my comprehension.

Any relationship crumbles due to the weight of ego and misunderstandings.

Only the two of you will know what, why and how this happened. No point going behind this as all you will end up with is more resentment and sadness which isn’t going to help you anyway.

Divorce cases can go on for years if not settled mutually and amicably. So, it is quite possible that this might drag on.

What you need is resilience to put up a strong fight against all the cases registered against you and your family members.

Hire a good lawyer who understands the case not just as an ordinary one as cases against the husband and his family can be quite serious in a divorce situation.

In the meantime, you need to clear your mind to be less anxious and more productive.

I believe in changing the present for a better future rather than digging the past and robbing oneself of their peace of mind.


  • Get deep into work and give it your all
  • Join a gym or anything that is a workout for the body
  • Indulge in a hobby that calm down the mind
  • Find joy in simple happenings
  • Express gratitude for everything and anything
  • Journal your thoughts and feelings daily
  • Spend a lot of time with Nature
  • Be with people who help you stand tall

Mind and body work in tandem and keeping both in the best condition is what is going to help you tide over this challenging phase.

Respect this and create a regimen of the above. It works. And be resilient and know that there is light at the end of the tunnel and so focus on believing in that.

All the best!


Anu Krishna  |626 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Apr 12, 2023

Asked by Anonymous - Apr 06, 2023Translate
Dear Anu I am a 46 year old man .. married for last 16 years... My wife is well educated but a house wife by choice.. I lost my father when i was 18 and had struggled a lot to gain a great life in terms of money, name in my field and satisfaction at work. At home front we live a nuclear family... me, my wife and my 12 year daughter. But after my marriage in 2006 for next 6/7 years we were in joint family. my daughter was born in 2010.. In joint family me, my younger brother his wife and my mother were members... during these years, my wife never got along with my mother, brother and his wife... and also had fights [severe kind] where she accused them for petty reason...she demanded separate house within 3 month of marriage.. but since I was not financially settled so I promised her we will buy own home in course of time... but over these 6&7 years her behavior started really erratic.. she stopped talking to everyone, and keep fighting with all my family. also the house with joint family owned my me and younger brother... she demanded i should sell the house and get my share to buy own house. which i refused as my brother and his family with my mother were also staying there... and while buying it my mother had helped us financially, without having her name as owner. over the period things became really bitter... we also had fights where out of anger I happened to slap her.. but as promised I bought another house [with lot of efforts since i m self employee] within 5/6 years and we shifted to another city around our previous house. but after shifting she had the same temperament. She never got along with me.. Over an argument she would stop talking to me, and when confronted she would mention about my share in old house which i left... she was not happy seeing my brother living in that house with his family and my mother... i told her as promised we bought this house and I haven't withdrew my share in that house.. may be over the year i will take my share as per market value.. but at this point we don't need to do it.. since it will involve a lot of turbulence for my brother, his family and my mother as they were settled there. so I strongly told her she should not think about as she have her house and focus on it. Over these time, we had a very cute daughter... growing.. her schooling started.. i got busy with my work... and my wife by choice chose to be house wife... taking care of house... but she was hell bent on the house issue over selling it and taking my share.. and due to that we had several fights... which became my life miserable. her point was why pay EMI when you can get share and pay off the loans for new house. in these 8/9 years she became bitter person... no ties with my relatives /cousins, no friends, never got along with neighbors... and opposite to that i have very cordial relation with her family, cousins, my family and have great social circle. when my daughter was 10 year old, i was already settled with good career and financial status... i had cleared all the home loan for our new home... i did everything all out to make her happier but her wish to sell that house where my brother with his wife and my mother i didn't take share or sell it.. and she keeps nagging me with that and her temperament getting worst... now she started accusing me for having an affair and threatening me that she will complain police if i argue with her. unfortunately my daughter had to see this... but my daughter is very sorted, focused and a good kid. In last 2 years i managed to buy another house, which is bigger, where we shifted 1.5 years back, she wanted to do a puja and refused to invite anyone from my family.. also bought one more house as investment.. and a farm too as second home... Im very happy and satisfied with my career and other aspects of life... but the bitterness of wife kept on increasing... sometimes i felt she wanted me to fail and she could just take the pleasure of making me feel how she was right.. which never happened.. Now she is completely out of touch with my family... her anger triggers when i speak to my brother , my mom, Now over these years my brother also managed to earn some money and he paid me an amount as part of my share for the house he is living.. which we mutually agreed among us... and i withdrew my name from that property... i informed this to my wife.. first she didnt believe.. and then she was not interested in it.. so basically over these years i managed to fulfil everything what i promised also took my share from the joint house even i was not very happy with that situation. but all these incidences.. my wife became a difficult person to deal with... be it talking a simple conversation or smallest issue.. we don't have any physical relation .... we sleep in different bedrooms.. my wife also became too possessive and control freak with my daughter.. my daughter is 12 now and she retaliate with it.. so even they keep fighting now... me and my daughter have a great bonding... over these period i started feeling that i married a wrong person.. sometimes i think of divorce but i m worried about my daughter.. and also lot other things as im 45 already.. i wont say that i have never done any mistake while these 16 years but i never chose to disconnect with my wife... i worked really hard to earn money to build a good fortune for my wife and daughter... but looks like she doesn't care... and she takes me completely for granted... she thinks i wont leave her and will be stuck around.. i also advised to visit a therapist or counselor... or join a meditation or do anything she likes to do... be it creative or extra curricular.. but she just ignores it... i am into creative field and this domestic chaos sometimes really bothers me. it never effected my work yet but i m worried it might just. Let me know your opinion... if there is something i can do more to help this mess with my wife.
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
Clearly your wife has a streak of wanting people to want her, literally where it comes off as her being possessive of them (I gather this from what you have shared). I only have a one-sided view and don't know fully well why your wife chooses to be possessive.
She does not want to share you or what you earn with your family; it only suggests that she is worried about losing both. It may seem like they are unfounded fears but they exist in real for her.
Obviously your pleas to see a counselor will better her life and it is easier to stay where she is as nothing needs to change. It seems relatively clear that she fears LOSING!
How this got there or did it become even more evident because of the tussles between your family and her; no one knows. You would not completely know what transpired between your wife and your family; but something has triggered within her to hold on to her beliefs.
Anyway, it is difficult to be where you are; but the only way out is to have a person that is neutral to handle this. It could be a mutual friend, a senior member of her side of the family, a person that she idolizes...anyone who can in a very unbiased manner approach the situation and bring out the fears.
In the meantime, you can spend more time with your daughter and give her a sense of protection and care and at the same time ensuring that she empathizes with her mother. Matters like these can go sour overnight and YES, you have held on so long, give it some more time but do facilitate the neutral person to do an Intervention ASAP.

All the best!

Anu Krishna  |626 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Aug 16, 2023

Asked by Anonymous - Aug 09, 2023Translate
Hi Anu, I am 39 Year Old Male and My wife is 37 years old, we are married for 12 years. We have 2 kids (A Son Aged 9 Years) and a daughter aged (2 years). We had good and bad both times during 12 years of our marriage. However it was my anger on petty issues which lead to multiple quarrels over the period. Last month again we had fight and my wife left home without my or my family knowladge along with both our kids to my in-laws. During this 1 month of seperation i realized my mistakes and are ready to amend it, but my wife lacks trust now. We are not in touch since she has left as she has blocked my number and send me court notice of maintenance also (Ofcourse notice has lot of lies also). No i have understood my family's values and unable to bear such distance from both wife and kids. What my wife is thinking i dont know. Financially i have always kept her happy but due to my quarrels things have gone bad now. Please advice what should be way forward for me and what should i do to bring my family back. PLEASE GUIDE!
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
Ego trips have divided the two of you considerably.
Seek the help of an elder member of a family who will act like a go-between and a mediator. He/She must be neutral and unbiased as well.
This helps in having a smooth flow in a conversation between you and your wife where both of you can our in your woes and also be clear on whether either of you want the marriage to continue or not. Also, take into account the children and their welfare as they are very young and any decision taken will impact them in one or many ways.
If this mediation fails, kindly seek the help of a marriage therapist/counselor even this means sharing 'stuff' with a total stranger. Most often that stranger will be the person to facilitate a smooth reconciliation if the couple also wants the same.

All the best!

Anu Krishna  |626 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Nov 15, 2023

Hello, I am male aged 32. After divorce I recently married again and I am facing issues now. I live with my wife's parents now which was not agreed before and its fine for me. Problem is my wife always finds fault in parents even though they are in very far city. She wants me to severe all ties with my parents, family and should involve only in her family circle. My parents are uneducated and very innocent and I am feeling very guilty for abandon them. All she needs is her parents and she dint have any sympathy. What should I do now? Counselling, tasks and was not useful because whatever counselor says she takes what she needs rest she ignores (Actually counselor said, we should respect both side of family)
Ans: Dear Prashanth,
Why people change over time is something that will always remain a mystery...You can only make assumptions about it...
Please take charge and move out of her parents' house. The more you live with them, the more she seems to have an assumed upper hand in the whole situation. This illusion must be broken and the only way is to make a drastic move which is moving out. It will definitely wake her up to what has been happening...
Furthermore, if you do feel that your parents are being treated unfairly, then firmly say so...Being expressive about how you feel and assertive about what you want can alter the balances and bring some amount of perspective as well.
Bringing back harmony to salvage a relationship can mean taking strong decisions...

All the best!
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