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Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |619 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on May 29, 2024

Kanchan Rai has 10 years of experience in therapy, nurturing soft skills and leadership coaching. She is the founder of the Let Us Talk Foundation, which offers mindfulness workshops to help people stay emotionally and mentally healthy.
Rai has a degree in leadership development and customer centricity from Harvard Business School, Boston. She is an internationally certified coach from the International Coaching Federation, a global organisation in professional coaching.... more
DP Question by DP on May 28, 2024Hindi
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Relationship

I am 42 years old, working in a PSU bank for 11 years. I have my Mother at home who is 73 years and retired state govt. Officer. My Father passed away in 2013 just after I joined my job. He was a state govt. Officer. I am married and have one son 8.5 years old studying in class 4. My wife is working in state govt. She often leaves my home with our son and goes to her father's place which is just near to my house because of minor issues like any hot talk with me. She has no problem with my Mother. We had a love marriage and we dated for 13 years and in 2015 got married. I am a family bound guy but when wife leaves me, I and mostly my Mother falls into trouble due to all household works are to be done by her as I have minimum time in the morning to help her. Our maid left one months back. I am searching one but not getting. Last year I and my wife stayed apart for 9 months in total, not at a time but in two parts. I sent her lawyers letter 3 months back after she left me in January this year. She came back 2 months back and left again after one month. I really miss my son and wife when they are not with me. My Mother also miss her grandson and becomes hopeless. I can't find any solution to this. Please suggest what will I do. I have lots of pressure at workplace and not satisfied with my job too as bank has lots of problems these days. I think of leaving job to support my Mother. I will leave job surely if something odd happens to my Mother. My Father took 3 words from me before death to Look after Mother, to look after house and to look after the house belongings. Already I am unable to keep all 3 words properly. I feel guilty of myself. Please guide me about my career and family life.

Ans: Dear DP
Navigating your current situation requires a strategic approach that balances your professional and personal responsibilities. Communication is key. Have an open and calm conversation with your wife to understand her perspective and express your concerns without assigning blame. Counseling can be beneficial here, offering a neutral space to discuss underlying issues and improve your relationship dynamics.

Supporting your mother is equally important. While searching for a permanent solution for household help, consider temporary alternatives such as part-time assistance or community support services. Engage your mother in local senior activities to provide her with social interaction and support.

Addressing your job dissatisfaction is also crucial. Explore other roles within your bank or in other PSUs that match your skills but offer a less stressful environment. Professional development can open new career opportunities. Taking regular breaks, practicing mindfulness, and ensuring a work-life balance can help manage your stress levels.

By focusing on these areas—open communication with your wife, practical support for your mother, and exploring less stressful job options—you can work towards a more stable and fulfilling family and professional life.
Asked on - Jun 09, 2024 | Answered on Jun 12, 2024
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But she is not ready to communicate. She blocked all communication modes. Also she is not ready to meet at all. Now what will I do? She is blaming me for all these. Please guide
Ans: Facing a complete communication block from your wife is incredibly challenging, especially when you miss your family and have significant responsibilities. Here’s a way to navigate this situation:

Reflect on your relationship and consider any recent actions or patterns that might have contributed to her decision to cut off communication. This self-awareness can help you understand your role and approach the situation with empathy.

Try to see things from her perspective. Understanding why she feels the need to distance herself—whether due to stress, feeling unheard, or unresolved conflicts—can guide you in finding a path to reconnect.

Since direct communication is blocked, writing her a heartfelt letter might be effective. In the letter, express your feelings honestly, acknowledge any mistakes, and emphasize your commitment to understanding and resolving issues without blaming her. This shows your willingness to bridge the gap.

If a letter isn’t possible or effective, consider using mutual friends or family members as intermediaries. They might help convey your willingness to talk and understand her viewpoint, ensuring she feels respected and not pressured.

Supporting yourself during this time is crucial. Consulting a therapist can provide guidance and strategies to cope with the emotional strain and prepare for future conversations.

Balancing your responsibilities at home and work is important. Establish a routine that manages your duties while also caring for your mental well-being. If needed, seek temporary help for household tasks to lighten the load.

Patience is key. Rebuilding trust and communication takes time. Show your commitment by being open to dialogue and respecting her need for space. Keep steady, and focus on understanding and empathy as you navigate this difficult period.

You may like to see similar questions and answers below

Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |619 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Oct 31, 2023

Asked by Anonymous - Oct 29, 2023Hindi
Relationship
Hi Ma'am, I am 36 years old and got married in the year 2014. I wanted to be in a joint family but my wife does not like it from the starting days itself. My parents used to stay with me periodically but not continuously. We have 2 boy children now. During my 1st boy child naming ceremony, my wife's family created issues and threatened me and my mother with bad words and forced for a separate family which i never agreed. After that issue, my wife never returned to my matrimonial home. After lot of efforts from my relatives, we joined back again. But the personal vengeance of my wife on my parents still continued. She used to misbehave with them some times like not listening to my mother's words and she never used to help my mother on all the house hold activities. My mother used to take care of all the household works. In the mean time we are blessed with 2nd boy. She stayed in my house during her second pregnancy, her preganancy well assisted by my mother and me both financially and emotionally. But i used to tell my wife to do very small houshold activities to make her physically well fit for her normal delivery but she took that suggession in a wring way and considered it as a torcher. During her ninth month of her pregnancy she went to her parents house to write a competitive exam but never returned back instead she continued to stay there and returning back to my home. So it has been more than two years now that she left me. During this time, i visited for her birthday, her father died, me and my parents visited his funeral, i visited my sons birthday. So i almost did all my efforts to bring back her to my home but she refused all my chances. So I filed a divorce case since i dont have any hope in my marriage life anymore. But i wanted to live with her since we have two children. Any suggestions/advices please.
Ans: I understand the complex and challenging situation you're facing in your marriage. It's clear that there have been significant conflicts and misunderstandings between you and your wife, and you've made attempts to resolve them. Here are some thoughts and advice from a counseling perspective:

Open Communication: Effective and empathetic communication is crucial. Encourage both you and your wife to express your feelings and concerns in a safe and non-confrontational manner. A counselor can help facilitate these discussions and ensure that both parties have a chance to be heard.
Professional Counseling: Seeking the help of a qualified marriage counselor or therapist is highly recommended. A counselor can provide a neutral perspective, offer strategies for conflict resolution, and help you both explore the underlying issues in your relationship.
Child-Centered Approach: As you have children, it's vital to prioritize their well-being. Regardless of the outcome, work together on a co-parenting plan that focuses on their emotional and psychological needs. A counselor can assist in creating a plan that ensures your children's stability and happiness.
Understanding and Empathy: Try to understand each other's perspectives, feelings, and needs. There seems to be a lack of understanding between you and your wife, and it's important to build empathy and find common ground.
Legal Matters: Consult with a family lawyer to fully understand your rights, responsibilities, and potential outcomes regarding divorce, child custody, and financial matters. It's crucial to be well-informed about the legal implications of your decisions.
Reconciliation Efforts: If both you and your wife are open to the possibility of reconciliation, be prepared for a long and challenging process. It will require time, patience, and a willingness to address the root causes of your issues.
Understanding: Try to understand your wife's perspective and feelings, and encourage her to understand yours. Misunderstandings can often lead to conflicts, and gaining insight into each other's point of view can be a first step toward resolution.
Co-parenting: Regardless of the outcome of your marriage, your focus should be on the well-being of your children. It's essential to develop a co-parenting plan that prioritizes their needs and stability. Self-Care: Take care of your own well-being. Navigating these difficult circumstances can be emotionally and mentally taxing, so ensure you maintain your own emotional and mental health.
Reflect on Your Expectations: Take time to reflect on your expectations regarding family arrangements and what you're willing to compromise on. It may be necessary to find a middle ground between your desire for a joint family and your wife's preference for a separate one.

Remember that the decision to reconcile or proceed with the divorce should be made with the well-being of both you and your wife, as well as your children, in mind. Professional counseling and mediation can provide the support and tools you need to navigate this challenging situation. Whether the ultimate goal is reconciliation or an amicable separation, the involvement of a qualified therapist can be instrumental in moving forward in a healthy and constructive way.

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Anu

Anu Krishna  |1649 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Nov 11, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Nov 10, 2024Hindi
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Relationship
Dear Ma'am, Thank you from all with great answers..I have a broken marriage need your help..I have been married for 9 years with a boy of almost 4 years. My wife is very adamant and is very influenced by her sister and mother after her fathers death 5 years ago. She has left me for almost 8 months now and wants me to leave seperately from my age old parents with serious age ailments. I don't want to as they have taken care of me and my siblings their entire life. How can i be so selfish? Well my wife has completely avoided me and not showing my son and keeping closed doors and not attending or receiving my calls as I tried getting help from their father's family side. I have travelled umpteen times for the sake of saving my marriage and kid. Will he not a father is my question here? My wife is unemployed leaving in the sake of her father's saving and sister's job. I do not know what would be the future of my kid in these circumstances. I have not reached to any legal conclusions as I don't want either of the families to go into such burden. Please help me what should I do?
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
People respond very differently to a critical event in their lives. In this case, your wife's father's death has caused her to bank on her side of the family for whatever reasons. It could be emotional...this phase has not timed itself out and is still continuing for her!
She has lost sight of what this has done to the marriage or what impact it is having on the child. Now, you are faced with a situation where you have to choose between your wife and parents. Horrible state; but hey, life can throw a lot of curveballs for you to learn how to navigate. Is it possible to shift your parents to say a home right next to yours where you can always keep an eye on them. And this arrangement only until your wife settles back into your home. That way, you are not abandoning your parents and still making room for your wife and child to come back. Yes, it may seem cruel initially to keep your parents our of your home, but how else can you explain to a wife who refuses to come back home. You don't want to lose any more time with you son...

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

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Latest Questions
Janak

Janak Patel  |62 Answers  |Ask -

MF, PF Expert - Answered on Jul 17, 2025

Money
I am 34 years old woman. Want to retire at the age of 50 years. I have 28 lacs PPF,360000 NPS, 3 mutual funds approx 60k in each. 11 lacs in PF. 2 loans - personal and car loan for 5 years. Personal loan already 1+ year gone car loan 2+ year gone.
Ans: Hi Priya,

Current Investments -
Your current investments are more (over 90%) in Debt than Equity e.g. PF (PPF+PF) = 39 lacs out total 44.4 lacs.
Debt investments like PPF/PF provide safely and security to the invested capital. But the interest rates just about help meet inflation. Growth is not achieved with these investments in the true sense.
Equity based investments like Equity Mutual Funds will provide growth in the long term (at least 5 years, and you have a good 16 years). Your current allocation is just over 6 lacs even assuming NPS as equity (check and update allocation to equity to max possible).

Loans-
Personal loans will typically have very high interest rates. This should be the first one you should try to close as early as possible. There is no point allocating any savings to investment giving less returns and paying high interest in this loan.
Car loan can continue as per schedule as its interest rate will be much less compared to Personal Loan. Unless you can prepay and close it also early, depending on your saving potential.


To retire early at age 50, you have the next 16 years to grow your corpus to a respectable amount.
I assume you are employed and contributing to PF and NPS. Hopefully you are contributing regularly to Mutual Funds also.
As income, expense and saving/investing details are unavailable I can provide some guidelines only.
Do try to maximize your monthly investment towards Equity Mutual Funds to accumulate a decent corpus for retirement.
Unless you are claiming tax benefits for PPF, consider lesser contribution to it now.
By the time you retire your Equity and Debt should be near 50% each, there by providing you safety and growth. In fact you can try to achieve higher Equity % if possible.
Overall your corpus should fetch average of over 10% returns (currently its under 8%).

Action items
1. Pay off personal loan ASAP
2. Invest maximum savings into equity mutual funds
3. Once you have done above 2, consult a CFP to help with retirement corpus - this depends on various factors, monthly expenses, life expectancy, etc.
4. Ensure you have adequate health cover. Take a topup plan with a higher coverage and lower premiums.

If you have other goals/requirements, then do discuss with CFP and arrive at a holistic plan.

Thanks & Regards
Janak Patel
Certified Financial Planner.

...Read more

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