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Kanchan Rai |442 Answers |Ask -Follow

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on May 29, 2024

Kanchan Rai has 10 years of experience in therapy, nurturing soft skills and leadership coaching. She is the founder of the Let Us Talk Foundation, which offers mindfulness workshops to help people stay emotionally and mentally healthy.
Rai has a degree in leadership development and customer centricity from Harvard Business School, Boston. She is an internationally certified coach from the International Coaching Federation, a global organisation in professional coaching.... more

Question by DP on May 28, 2024Hindi

I am 42 years old, working in a PSU bank for 11 years. I have my Mother at home who is 73 years and retired state govt. Officer. My Father passed away in 2013 just after I joined my job. He was a state govt. Officer. I am married and have one son 8.5 years old studying in class 4. My wife is working in state govt. She often leaves my home with our son and goes to her father's place which is just near to my house because of minor issues like any hot talk with me. She has no problem with my Mother. We had a love marriage and we dated for 13 years and in 2015 got married. I am a family bound guy but when wife leaves me, I and mostly my Mother falls into trouble due to all household works are to be done by her as I have minimum time in the morning to help her. Our maid left one months back. I am searching one but not getting. Last year I and my wife stayed apart for 9 months in total, not at a time but in two parts. I sent her lawyers letter 3 months back after she left me in January this year. She came back 2 months back and left again after one month. I really miss my son and wife when they are not with me. My Mother also miss her grandson and becomes hopeless. I can't find any solution to this. Please suggest what will I do. I have lots of pressure at workplace and not satisfied with my job too as bank has lots of problems these days. I think of leaving job to support my Mother. I will leave job surely if something odd happens to my Mother. My Father took 3 words from me before death to Look after Mother, to look after house and to look after the house belongings. Already I am unable to keep all 3 words properly. I feel guilty of myself. Please guide me about my career and family life.

Ans: Dear DP
Navigating your current situation requires a strategic approach that balances your professional and personal responsibilities. Communication is key. Have an open and calm conversation with your wife to understand her perspective and express your concerns without assigning blame. Counseling can be beneficial here, offering a neutral space to discuss underlying issues and improve your relationship dynamics.

Supporting your mother is equally important. While searching for a permanent solution for household help, consider temporary alternatives such as part-time assistance or community support services. Engage your mother in local senior activities to provide her with social interaction and support.

Addressing your job dissatisfaction is also crucial. Explore other roles within your bank or in other PSUs that match your skills but offer a less stressful environment. Professional development can open new career opportunities. Taking regular breaks, practicing mindfulness, and ensuring a work-life balance can help manage your stress levels.

By focusing on these areas—open communication with your wife, practical support for your mother, and exploring less stressful job options—you can work towards a more stable and fulfilling family and professional life.

Asked on - Jun 09, 2024 | Answered on Jun 12, 2024

But she is not ready to communicate. She blocked all communication modes. Also she is not ready to meet at all. Now what will I do? She is blaming me for all these. Please guide

Ans: Facing a complete communication block from your wife is incredibly challenging, especially when you miss your family and have significant responsibilities. Here’s a way to navigate this situation:

Reflect on your relationship and consider any recent actions or patterns that might have contributed to her decision to cut off communication. This self-awareness can help you understand your role and approach the situation with empathy.

Try to see things from her perspective. Understanding why she feels the need to distance herself—whether due to stress, feeling unheard, or unresolved conflicts—can guide you in finding a path to reconnect.

Since direct communication is blocked, writing her a heartfelt letter might be effective. In the letter, express your feelings honestly, acknowledge any mistakes, and emphasize your commitment to understanding and resolving issues without blaming her. This shows your willingness to bridge the gap.

If a letter isn’t possible or effective, consider using mutual friends or family members as intermediaries. They might help convey your willingness to talk and understand her viewpoint, ensuring she feels respected and not pressured.

Supporting yourself during this time is crucial. Consulting a therapist can provide guidance and strategies to cope with the emotional strain and prepare for future conversations.

Balancing your responsibilities at home and work is important. Establish a routine that manages your duties while also caring for your mental well-being. If needed, seek temporary help for household tasks to lighten the load.

Patience is key. Rebuilding trust and communication takes time. Show your commitment by being open to dialogue and respecting her need for space. Keep steady, and focus on understanding and empathy as you navigate this difficult period.