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Love vs. Family: How to Deal with Mom Opposing Inter-caste Marriage?

Anu

Anu Krishna  |1622 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Dec 04, 2024

Anu Krishna is a mind coach and relationship expert.
The co-founder of Unfear Changemakers LLP, she has received her neuro linguistic programming training from National Federation of NeuroLinguistic Programming, USA, and her energy work specialisation from the Institute for Inner Studies, Manila.
She is an executive member of the Indian Association of Adolescent Health.... more
Vasuki Question by Vasuki on Nov 27, 2024Hindi
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Relationship

Hi Ma'am, I am in a relationship with my colleague, and I told my mother about it. She wanted to meet him, and our parents met each other. Initially, they all agreed to our marriage. However, suddenly my mother changed her mind and said she doesn't agree with our marriage because he is not from our caste. She also said she is afraid to give her daughter to him and mentioned that our other relatives will not accept this marriage. Now, she wants me to marry her brother's son, but I really love my partner and cannot imagine living without him. We are deeply in love, and I cannot marry someone else. My mother fights with me about this every day. What should I do now?

Ans: Dear Vasuki,
Did something happen just before you mother reacted this way? I guess there's something missing...Otherwise what could be the reason to agree and then refuse? Did your mother's brother put pressure on your mother to come to this decision?
Reasoning out isn't going to work out that well; so first try and figure out what went on for your mother to change her mind and that could be a start point towards working with her so that she sees your point of view as well.

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

You may like to see similar questions and answers below

Anu

Anu Krishna  |1622 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on May 15, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - May 10, 2024Hindi
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Relationship
Hello mam, glad to find you here. Mam, I'm a female, 27 yrs, I have been in a relationship with my partner since 9yrs, but he is from different caste. We both were immature when we started our relationship but our relationship grew stronger as time passed.We have gone through ups and downs of our relationship and are still intact. When I was into 3yrs of our relationship he was doing some odd job, at that time I told my mom about us and she said 'NO' because of caste issue irrespective of his job. Another reason is that my father is an impulsive person who thinks to harm himself whenever something happens, so mom said my father might harm himself if I go forward. At the same time there were some issues in boys family and my brother met them and he said no to it.But I couldn't get away from him, so I stayed. Later I talked to my partner about his family environment and I said that I couldn't stay with them because of the negative impact. He talked to his family and confirmed that after marriage we will lead our life under different roof but maintain the sufficient relationship with his family. We both are now settled in jobs but he earns a bit less than me but we earn a handsome salary combining our both salaries. Now, it's time for my marriage and I want to marry him and he have changed alot for me without leaving his family and he understands me very well. I feel safe with him. Now the problem is my parents wants to get me married and I also want to get married to the whom I loved but my mom and brother are not yet all giving me the chance to convince them. They are trying to convince me for marriage with others but I couldn't do that, that will kill me all my life. They are saying that if I go for intercaste then they have to suffer all their life and my father might do something to himself if he finds out. I love my family dearly and that's why I have been waiting all these years for their approval. I do not want anyone to lose their life because of me. My partner have left the decision to me because of my situation at home and he is supportive of me. My transfer is nearing where I have two options, one is to opt for my home town(not Village), where I can bring my parents to town with me to stay( now my posting is in another city). Second is to opt for different city( where I have to stay with my brother who doesn't approve of my love and blames me for his career). In order for me to convince them for my marriage should stay with my family or away from them and how can I convince them? Sorry' for the long story and I hope I hear from you.
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
Be clear about what you want and in this process/journey, there will be a lot of highs and lows...
Also, you may not be able to have the cake and eat it too which is why you are struggling at making a decision. You want to marry the man of your dreams that your parents and brother disapprove of BUT you don't want to disappoint them by going against them...You can't have one foot in two different paths...it will tear you apart; literally...
So, decide what you want, the pros and cons of going against the family...of course there are situations where over time, parents have accepted the boy/girl but there's a lot of patient waiting.
If you are in haste, they are not going to relent and you will be left feeling disappointed...
Decide and then do whatever it takes to make that decision right...

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

..Read more

Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |606 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Feb 21, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Aug 26, 2024Hindi
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Relationship
Hi mam/sir, I am 24 independent girl living in Bangalore. I come from a middle class family, with lot of past issues. My parents have horrible relationship; my father has never supported us in our education. My mother has only been there for us. My mother’s family has also supported us alot. I have a boyfriend for 4 years, he is well settled and educated person. I told my mother about him 2 years back. But my mother is not flinching at all, she is very firm that she will never agree to this as the boy is from another caste. She also says her parents i.e my grandparents will stop talking to us, their reaction will be horrifying. This I am also aware a little bit, my family is extremely conservative and no one in my family has ever done love marriage. I have slowly started to gather somd strength nd told my few cousins & aunt. They all suggestive me to forget this guy, as our family will never agree to it. I do not know how to proceed. This person is amazing & i am sure about him. On the other hand my mother has been constantly taunting me for this; but i am grateful to her for all her support till date. And the worst part - this alliance can only be finalised when my grandparents agree to it. Neither me nor my mother has guts to talk to them about it.
Ans: our mother’s strong opposition, driven by deeply ingrained beliefs and fear of societal backlash, makes it even harder. It’s understandable that she feels bound by her family’s expectations, and the thought of confronting your grandparents is overwhelming for both of you.

The fact that she has been constantly taunting you about this must be emotionally draining. At the same time, you feel grateful for all the support she has given you throughout your life, which makes this even more complicated. Your extended family reinforcing her stance adds to your struggle, making you feel like you have no one on your side.

You have already taken a big step by standing your ground, despite the pressure. Right now, the best approach might be to gradually help your mother see your boyfriend as a person, beyond just his caste. Instead of forcing the conversation toward marriage immediately, you could try introducing him in a way that feels natural—talking about his achievements, his values, and how he has supported you. Over time, she may begin to see him in a different light.

Since your grandparents hold the final say in family matters, their reaction is something you’re dreading. You know they will be resistant, and the thought of confronting them feels almost impossible. But at some point, the conversation will have to happen. It might help to find an ally within your family, someone who could support your case when the time comes. Is there anyone who has even slightly modern views or who understands you better? If there is, getting their support could make a huge difference.

While you navigate all of this, it’s important to remind yourself that this is your life. Your happiness matters, and while family approval is important, so is your personal choice. If they remain rigid despite your efforts, you may have to prepare yourself for tough decisions. The question you may need to ask yourself is how much time you’re willing to wait and what you would do if they never agree. If your boyfriend’s family is supportive, that could be a source of strength for you.

This is not an easy path, but if you believe in your relationship, standing by it with patience and persistence may eventually lead to a solution.

..Read more

Anu

Anu Krishna  |1622 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Oct 28, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Oct 25, 2024Hindi
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Relationship
Hi Ma'am, I am 32 years old woman and I have a boyfriend who is 29 years old. We met last year and in few months we fell in love. We have been in relationship since March 2024 and we work in same organization. We quickly knew that we must get married we belong to different languages he being a south Indian while I am a Maharashtrian. My family is quite well off while his family is from lower middle class. Financially he has his own house which is under construction and he will get possession by next year end. Also he has his own car so he is paying 2 EMIs for Home loan and car loan wherein I don't have any liabilities. He is very much independent however due to all the expenses he is currently saving money and thus want to get married next year by April. We both have spoken with out parents and his side of the family is completely ok while my mother and brother are against this. My mother has asked me to leave home at the earliest and get married to him without involving them. There was lot lf verbal abuse and name calling which I have heard multiple times. We both are working and earing well however he is adamant to get married in April as he wants to save some money before getting married as he doesn't want to take my help since my mother has quoted that he is marrying me for my good background. She has refused to meet his parents or let them see our house. My father has supporter me as he wants me to get married. My elder brother is 34 years unmarried engineer and he is also not supportive who first met and said that my boyfriend is not so fair looking, then said he is not of our status. Currently I am staying in my brothers flat so he has asked me to vacant it asap and get married maximum by December. It is not possible for me to get married by December as my boyfriend is not ready for that. So I will have to go on rent for next few months untill April. I have done nothing wrong as per me because I have returned my parents all the money they have spent on me well in advance. Also I have good investments done apart from buying a house. I cook for myself and cook for my family whenever they ask me. I have been truthful about my relationship with my parents from beginning and told them everything but unable to understand why they are unable to accept this? I feel my brother is in denial and putting things in my mothers mind due to which she is against this marriage.
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
People play games all the time and your family members are no different. But what's the point trying to assume that this or that must be the reason. So, ask! Surely, there's some good reason why they are so against it...ASK and CLARIFY rather than ASSUME...
They may go all over the place and the truth will be disguised in some form which will seem very trivial and silly to the outside world.
Yes, you can move out and stay by yourself but proving a point like this may alienate your family even further. They may blame your boyfriend for this drastic step that you take. Reason out with them and you will find a lot of emotions coming your way; don't resist any of them but accept them for what it is for the moment. Soon, with all their rants, you will find a solid reason that will be possibly age gap or fear of losing you or their beliefs around love marriages or fear of losing face to the society and so on...
This is what you will need to address...problems come out as emotions, but digging deep, you will figure it out...so put in some work, ask them some time and also ask your boyfriend to step in and do his bit...after all, they will be accepting him as well, right?

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

..Read more

Latest Questions
Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |8932 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Jun 17, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Jun 17, 2025
Money
I have 2 App loans 36000 and 140000 + 2 credit card outstanding 95000 and 187000 (Both principal amount). I have bounced my all 4 EMI's since last 3 months due to job loss and my salary is peanuts. How can I survive with house chorus and paying EMI's. Please help
Ans: It is painful and stressful. But please know this — you are not alone, and you can come out of this. Let’s take this step-by-step.

You are facing:

2 App loans: Rs. 36,000 + Rs. 1,40,000

2 Credit card dues: Rs. 95,000 + Rs. 1,87,000

3 months EMIs already bounced

Low or no income due to job loss

Home responsibilities ongoing

This is serious, but manageable with the right action.

First, Understand What Will Not Work
Please avoid:

Taking new loans to pay old loans

Using other credit cards to pay EMIs

Borrowing from illegal or unknown lenders

Ignoring lenders and collection calls

Hoping the problem will disappear on its own

These will make your problem worse.

Step 1: Protect Yourself from Legal Pressure
You have already defaulted. That may lead to:

Legal notices from credit card companies

Harassment from collection agents

Credit score falling below 600

So you need to act fast.

Call each of the lenders yourself. Do not wait for them to call you.

Tell them honestly:

You lost your job

You are facing cash crisis

You want to settle and not escape

Ask for temporary EMI pause (moratorium) or restructuring

Lenders prefer talking to honest borrowers.

You may get:

Waiver of late fees

Reduction in interest

EMI holiday for few months

Option to convert dues into longer EMIs

Write an email also to them. Keep written proof.

This shows you are serious.

Step 2: Focus on Survival, Not Full Repayment Now
You must survive this phase first. Do only the must-do expenses:

Food and kitchen

Electricity and gas

Child or parents’ basic needs

Rent or basic housing

Cut all others:

OTT, Swiggy, Zomato, shopping

Eating out, subscriptions

Cab rides, mobile upgrades

Any premium items

Every saved rupee will count now.

Make a list of all expenses, and cut it to bare minimum.

Your mental peace comes before EMI.

Step 3: List Your Dues in Priority Order
Here is a breakdown:

App Loan 1 – Rs. 36,000

App Loan 2 – Rs. 1,40,000

Credit Card 1 – Rs. 95,000

Credit Card 2 – Rs. 1,87,000

App loans and credit cards have very high interest. Usually 24–40% per year.

But credit cards will affect your CIBIL score more if unpaid.

So give this order of priority:

Try to settle credit card 1 (Rs. 95,000) first

Then negotiate with credit card 2 (Rs. 1.87L)

After that, settle App Loan 1

Then App Loan 2

Why this order?

Credit card interest is high

Card dues snowball fast

App loans may negotiate faster than banks

Step 4: Ask for One-Time Settlement (OTS)
Once you show that you have zero income, some banks may agree to:

Close your loan at reduced principal

Stop interest from increasing further

Give you 3–6 months to pay off in parts

Ask for a written One-Time Settlement (OTS) letter.

Do not pay without it.

Once you settle, your CIBIL score will take time to recover. But that’s okay. Life first. Score later.

Step 5: Find Any Cash You Can
Please think deeply about the following:

Can you sell a scooter, old phone, gadgets?

Can any relative or friend help temporarily?

Do you have gold you can pledge (not sell)?

Any unused subscriptions or refund available?

Can you do part-time work for Rs. 300–500/day?

Every Rs. 500 helps your mental health now.

Avoid taking loans again. Instead, look for non-loan help.

Step 6: Get a Job, Any Job for Now
Even if it is not in your field, take any income work:

Delivery partner

Data entry

Freelance teaching

Typing work

Shop help

Online task jobs

Voice process

Focus is not on salary. Focus is to:

Keep cash flow coming

Feel responsible again

Stop going deeper into debt

Update resume. Ask friends. Join job groups. Apply daily.

Even Rs. 15,000/month will bring confidence.

You are not alone. Many professionals have started over.

Step 7: Emotionally Stay Strong
You may feel:

Guilt

Shame

Panic

Anger

Frustration

It is normal.

Please:

Talk to family or trusted friend

Keep one hour daily for walks, exercise or prayer

Sleep properly

Eat simple food, but on time

Avoid alcohol or substance use

This phase will pass.

Stay focused.

Final Insights
You are not a failure. This is a temporary financial emergency.

With calm steps, you can rebuild. Slowly, but surely.

Do this immediately:

Contact all lenders and ask for restructuring

Stop all luxury or non-essential expenses

Prioritise credit cards

Consider OTS if needed

Start small income work

Protect your mental strength

Once your income starts again:

Restart savings, even small

Use Certified Financial Planner later to rebuild

Learn how to stay debt-free in future

Take one step at a time.

You will come out stronger.

Best Regards,
K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,
Chief Financial Planner,
www.holisticinvestment.in
https://www.youtube.com/@HolisticInvestment

...Read more

DISCLAIMER: The content of this post by the expert is the personal view of the rediffGURU. Investment in securities market are subject to market risks. Read all the related document carefully before investing. The securities quoted are for illustration only and are not recommendatory. Users are advised to pursue the information provided by the rediffGURU only as a source of information and as a point of reference and to rely on their own judgement when making a decision. RediffGURUS is an intermediary as per India's Information Technology Act.

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