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Should I separate from my wife even if we own property together?

Anu

Anu Krishna  |1208 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Oct 17, 2024

Anu Krishna is a mind coach and relationship expert.
The co-founder of Unfear Changemakers LLP, she has received her neuro linguistic programming training from National Federation of NeuroLinguistic Programming, USA, and her energy work specialisation from the Institute for Inner Studies, Manila.
She is an executive member of the Indian Association of Adolescent Health.... more
Asked by Anonymous - Oct 13, 2024Hindi
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Relationship

Hi Ma'am , I am 35 + yr and married. We have been married for almost 3 yrs now and we do not have any kids . My wife she was my GF and we had a relationship of almost 6 yrs before we got married. In this 6 yrs we broke up and then we patched up as well. Almost around the time we were supposed to get married,I knew that she was not right for me as I am very emotional,and seek someone who understands me. She is clearly not an emotional person and she is very mean and rude. Somehow I got convinced to get married to her.Now she is completely an unmanageable person.She says things I cannot bear at all and I see that these things come from her family as her mother never respected her father and it's an absolute chao in her family with sister behaving 10 times more worse with her parents. Right from starting of the marriage I knew that this would not work and anyhow we went on and on and now we purchased a property as well on both our names. The problem is she humiliates me like nothing and she does not trust me at all. From my side there is no love remaining towards her and everything single time I just think of separation. I lost both my parents and I have an elder brother who is also dependent on me. He stays apart from me. Now if I get separated then how can manage the property which we both together and also I will be absolutely alone. Deep down I am not happy at all. Please help

Ans: Dear Anonymous,
If there is no scope for reconciliation, what other way out do you have?
Separation maybe hard initially but at least you are not dealing with something on your face on a daily basis. Now, what happens to the property in the event of separation will be determined as to in whose name the property was registered. Of course, this is my understanding. You may want to speak with someone who has knowledge about the legal angle on this.
If you are not happy, then do and act accordingly so that you are moving into a happy zone and in no means what is happening is happy. So, ACT NOW...

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

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Anu

Anu Krishna  |1208 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Oct 14, 2021

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Hi, I am stuck in my marriage relationship for some time now. I had an arranged marriage to a girl we knew in our family. She had lost her father and her mother begged me to marry her and give her a life. I agreed because I knew her. Only recently I realized that she doesn’t love me at all. I earn Rs 30,000 a month and we stay in my father’s 1BHK flat which he has shared in my name. She wants a share of my property and wants to separate me from my family. She is now threatening to divorce me and file a complaint against my parents and me for forcing her into marriage. Her mother is also quiet and doesn’t interfere. My parents are very troubled. They can’t do anything and I am feeling stuck. If I have to divorce her, I will have to pay her money which I can’t afford. Also I cannot stay with her because she doesn’t want to live with us. She only wants my money. How to solve this problem? I don’t understand. Please help.
Ans: Dear AD, Kindly consult a good lawyer who is unbiased about divorce and client rights if divorce is the path that you want to take.

Lawyers on both sides can strike a good agreement and it can be settled through mutual consent.

If you want to settle the matter amicably and continue live under the same roof, I guess it requires everyone to set aside their differences and talk about it; and I only hope for your sake that, that can happen.

Whichever the path, never tread on the path of helplessness. Instead move to a space that empowers you in any which way.

Best wishes as always!

..Read more

Anu

Anu Krishna  |1208 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Dec 27, 2022

Relationship
Hi AnuAt the outset, thank you very much for your time to listen to my situation.I am 50 years old, married to my lover (46 years now) and blessed with two daughters. My wife comes from an upper caste with a poor background. She was my subordinate and got married in 2001 after dating her for more than 18 months.Immediately after marriage, I lost my job due to my mismanagement of responsibility with no criminal action. I suffered for six months and relocated to overseas and lived there for the past 19 years.With my hard work and commitment, my financial situation has improved considerably now. However, my wife's attitude has consistently changed in line with my financial growth. She strongly believes that because of her luck and my daughter’s luck only I was able to earn that much and live comfortably. With my severe official commitments, I did not mind her attitude that much. After the lockdown, I got the opportunity to understand the change and realised that she has constantly ill-treated me over the past 10 years. Also, I lost my parents a few years ago and my father gave his self-earned property worth a few crores to my elder brother and left nothing to me. At the same time, my wife got her ancestor property worth a few lakhs. This incident psychologically weakened me as she consistently abuses me saying she got a few lakhs worth of property whereas I got nothing from my parents. Now, for the last two years, she is not allowing me to perform my parents’ annual death ceremony rituals. She consistently uses bad words against my (departed) parents and makes most negative comments for the donations I made so far and terms me as an Idiot and useless person. She also criticises me in front of my friends and relatives.Her harassment gone to the extent of pushing me to commit suicide and for the sake of my daughter’s welfare, I managed to come out of that mindset on my own. Now, I am determined to live…. at the same time unable to absorb my wife’s harassment. I tried to explain to her in many ways and even begged her many times to stop ill-treating me. Instead, she is asking me how I am able to tolerate despite her ill-treatment for the past few years….Our physical relationship got disconnected for the past five years as she lists out silly reasons for avoiding me. She is refusing to come along with me to meet a psychologist. Also, she disconnected her long-term friends and created a new circle of friends in order to erase her past and maintain a high social image.From your expertise, kindly advise me on how to handle this situation which will be of highest support for me as I am having sleepless nights for the past 2 years.Kindly do not publish my name and request you to keep it anonymous.
Ans:

Dear S,

It’s obvious that there is something that your wife is upset about or missing and you have been blindsided by it.

It could be lack of love, attention or simply family’s worth that she might feel from money situation.

It needs a discussion but from your letter/e-mail, it doesn’t seem like she is interested in it.

What I don’t have information here is in the 19 years that you were out of the country, was she also with you?

This is vital information as things might have gone South while you were away.

Even if she did accompany you, maybe the mismanagement of responsibility situation that you mentioned was something that had thrown her off gear and insecure.

This vital information is missing for me to guide you even more effectively, but I can surely help you navigate with what is.

Yes, it needs a counsellor or a marriage therapist.

Nothing justifies talking ill about family members but when the mind is awry and unsettled, it does not think rationally which is why she is possibly displacing some anger or lack of affection or lack of something that is manifesting itself in different ways.

Ask yourself:

  • Where am I if I continue in the marriage?
  • Where am I if I don’t continue in the marriage?

This reality check will act as a compass to the next steps of action.

As a coach, it’s always nice to see a relationship work but reality might say something else.

So, be true to your thoughts and feelings, set aside any feelings of spite towards your wife and see things for what they are and move forward.

All the best!

..Read more

Anu

Anu Krishna  |1208 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Mar 29, 2023

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Hi Anu. I married intercaste in a hurry going against my family. My wife seems loves me a lot but she is also a screamer and likes to create a scene when we fight. She knows it is my weak point and continues to push it with the yelling till the neighbours come to our doorstep. When the fighting got really bad I slapped her a couple of times and now I am the bad guy. Sex life is ok if we are not fighting. But fights get really ugly. After a point I lost all the love and am going through the motions for the sake of my kids. Lately my son also started answering back to her when she screams at him. Do you suggest I go for separation? She says no to therapy as she does not think anything is wrong with her. Infact she thinks I need counselling.
Ans: Dear Ravi,
Sometimes screaming could be a means to get attention. if you notice a toddler, he/she will cry and scream, throw toys around to gain the parents' attention. So, it could just be a way for express her emotions.

Even as adults, at times we are stuck around like we were when we were children and use similar means of communication. She could be doing the same. So, when she is in a calm space, that is the time to speak with her and clearly impressing upon her how her actions have begun to impact the child. If he is modeling her behaviour, she needs to take stock of what's happening with her.
So, you maybe right that she can see an expert; but what I would suggest is: When she is calm, rather than point out her behaviour which she may feel accused for, handle it with gentle patience. Ask her: how she is feeling and what makes her upset over something?
Work on the issue together rather than asking her to deal with it. This approach will make her feel like she is the problem and she will try and defend herself and refuse all help. It maybe difficult given what you are facing, but hey, it's love for the other person that you are willing to do what it takes, right?
In a marriage, the two of you are always on the same side, yeah? So unite to conquer...

All the best!

..Read more

Anu

Anu Krishna  |1208 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Apr 12, 2023

Asked by Anonymous - Apr 06, 2023Hindi
Relationship
Dear Anu I am a 46 year old man .. married for last 16 years... My wife is well educated but a house wife by choice.. I lost my father when i was 18 and had struggled a lot to gain a great life in terms of money, name in my field and satisfaction at work. At home front we live a nuclear family... me, my wife and my 12 year daughter. But after my marriage in 2006 for next 6/7 years we were in joint family. my daughter was born in 2010.. In joint family me, my younger brother his wife and my mother were members... during these years, my wife never got along with my mother, brother and his wife... and also had fights [severe kind] where she accused them for petty reason...she demanded separate house within 3 month of marriage.. but since I was not financially settled so I promised her we will buy own home in course of time... but over these 6&7 years her behavior started really erratic.. she stopped talking to everyone, and keep fighting with all my family. also the house with joint family owned my me and younger brother... she demanded i should sell the house and get my share to buy own house. which i refused as my brother and his family with my mother were also staying there... and while buying it my mother had helped us financially, without having her name as owner. over the period things became really bitter... we also had fights where out of anger I happened to slap her.. but as promised I bought another house [with lot of efforts since i m self employee] within 5/6 years and we shifted to another city around our previous house. but after shifting she had the same temperament. She never got along with me.. Over an argument she would stop talking to me, and when confronted she would mention about my share in old house which i left... she was not happy seeing my brother living in that house with his family and my mother... i told her as promised we bought this house and I haven't withdrew my share in that house.. may be over the year i will take my share as per market value.. but at this point we don't need to do it.. since it will involve a lot of turbulence for my brother, his family and my mother as they were settled there. so I strongly told her she should not think about as she have her house and focus on it. Over these time, we had a very cute daughter... growing.. her schooling started.. i got busy with my work... and my wife by choice chose to be house wife... taking care of house... but she was hell bent on the house issue over selling it and taking my share.. and due to that we had several fights... which became my life miserable. her point was why pay EMI when you can get share and pay off the loans for new house. in these 8/9 years she became bitter person... no ties with my relatives /cousins, no friends, never got along with neighbors... and opposite to that i have very cordial relation with her family, cousins, my family and have great social circle. when my daughter was 10 year old, i was already settled with good career and financial status... i had cleared all the home loan for our new home... i did everything all out to make her happier but her wish to sell that house where my brother with his wife and my mother i didn't take share or sell it.. and she keeps nagging me with that and her temperament getting worst... now she started accusing me for having an affair and threatening me that she will complain police if i argue with her. unfortunately my daughter had to see this... but my daughter is very sorted, focused and a good kid. In last 2 years i managed to buy another house, which is bigger, where we shifted 1.5 years back, she wanted to do a puja and refused to invite anyone from my family.. also bought one more house as investment.. and a farm too as second home... Im very happy and satisfied with my career and other aspects of life... but the bitterness of wife kept on increasing... sometimes i felt she wanted me to fail and she could just take the pleasure of making me feel how she was right.. which never happened.. Now she is completely out of touch with my family... her anger triggers when i speak to my brother , my mom, Now over these years my brother also managed to earn some money and he paid me an amount as part of my share for the house he is living.. which we mutually agreed among us... and i withdrew my name from that property... i informed this to my wife.. first she didnt believe.. and then she was not interested in it.. so basically over these years i managed to fulfil everything what i promised also took my share from the joint house even i was not very happy with that situation. but all these incidences.. my wife became a difficult person to deal with... be it talking a simple conversation or smallest issue.. we don't have any physical relation .... we sleep in different bedrooms.. my wife also became too possessive and control freak with my daughter.. my daughter is 12 now and she retaliate with it.. so even they keep fighting now... me and my daughter have a great bonding... over these period i started feeling that i married a wrong person.. sometimes i think of divorce but i m worried about my daughter.. and also lot other things as im 45 already.. i wont say that i have never done any mistake while these 16 years but i never chose to disconnect with my wife... i worked really hard to earn money to build a good fortune for my wife and daughter... but looks like she doesn't care... and she takes me completely for granted... she thinks i wont leave her and will be stuck around.. i also advised to visit a therapist or counselor... or join a meditation or do anything she likes to do... be it creative or extra curricular.. but she just ignores it... i am into creative field and this domestic chaos sometimes really bothers me. it never effected my work yet but i m worried it might just. Let me know your opinion... if there is something i can do more to help this mess with my wife.
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
Clearly your wife has a streak of wanting people to want her, literally where it comes off as her being possessive of them (I gather this from what you have shared). I only have a one-sided view and don't know fully well why your wife chooses to be possessive.
She does not want to share you or what you earn with your family; it only suggests that she is worried about losing both. It may seem like they are unfounded fears but they exist in real for her.
Obviously your pleas to see a counselor will better her life and it is easier to stay where she is as nothing needs to change. It seems relatively clear that she fears LOSING!
How this got there or did it become even more evident because of the tussles between your family and her; no one knows. You would not completely know what transpired between your wife and your family; but something has triggered within her to hold on to her beliefs.
Anyway, it is difficult to be where you are; but the only way out is to have a person that is neutral to handle this. It could be a mutual friend, a senior member of her side of the family, a person that she idolizes...anyone who can in a very unbiased manner approach the situation and bring out the fears.
In the meantime, you can spend more time with your daughter and give her a sense of protection and care and at the same time ensuring that she empathizes with her mother. Matters like these can go sour overnight and YES, you have held on so long, give it some more time but do facilitate the neutral person to do an Intervention ASAP.

All the best!

..Read more

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Ravi

Ravi Mittal  |362 Answers  |Ask -

Dating, Relationships Expert - Answered on Oct 17, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Oct 17, 2024Hindi
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I have a boyfriend of almost 3 years. We have been in a loving relationship. My boyfriend lives in a joint family set up while I have lived almost my whole life in a nuclear family. My family has always been very open minded whereas his family is a traditional Indian jount family. Over this period I have met his family twice or thrice for not more than 2 hours or so. Same is the case with my boyfriend His side of the family seemed to be decent overall. Since, we are planning to get married, me and my boyfriend decided to introduce our families with each other. On doing so, my parents found multiple points of differences in their culture and ours. They even warned me if I will be able to survive in this family and I feel that my family is 100 per cent right about this. Although, they approved of my boyfriend but not his family. Should I marry him?
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
I can't really tell you whether you should or shouldn't marry him, but I understand that moving from a nuclear family to a joint one can be a big adjustment. I would suggest not to rush into any decision. Take some time to think- 1) Are you willing to make big life changes for your partner? 2) If so, how far are you willing to go? 3) Do you think these changes will negatively affect your mental health and your relationship in general? 4) Are these differences worth breaking up with your partner? 5) Take a look at the big picture- do not focus on momentary happiness or sorrow.
It is indeed a big decision and it is one you should be making with your partner. Communicate your fears to your partner- let him come up with solutions. But, in the event, you are certain you will never be able to adapt to their lifestyle, don't let anyone manipulate you into getting married to him. It will only ruin both of your future.

Best wishes.

...Read more

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |6675 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Oct 17, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Oct 17, 2024Hindi
Money
Hello Sir, I m 43 years old. I have received about 80 lacs from a property sale. I also have a home loan of remaining 35 lacs for next 15 years. Can you suggest if I should payoff my loan amount or I should invest 80 lacs in Mutual fund and do a SWP of 50000, to pay EMI.
Ans: You have received Rs 80 lakhs from a property sale, and you also have a home loan with Rs 35 lakhs outstanding. You are considering whether to pay off the loan or invest in mutual funds and use a systematic withdrawal plan (SWP) of Rs 50,000 to cover your monthly EMI.

Let us evaluate both options and discuss which could be more beneficial for you in the long run.

Paying Off the Loan
Paying off your home loan can provide psychological relief. You won’t have the burden of debt hanging over you. However, it is important to weigh this decision against the potential opportunity cost.

Debt-Free Comfort: Paying off the loan would make you debt-free and provide mental peace. This is important, especially as you age and your income sources might become less certain.

Interest Savings: Home loans come with an interest cost, which can add up significantly over time. If the interest rate on your home loan is high, paying it off could save you a substantial amount in interest payments.

Guaranteed Return: By paying off the loan, you are essentially earning a guaranteed return equivalent to the home loan interest rate. For example, if your home loan interest rate is 8%, paying off the loan provides a risk-free 8% return.

However, paying off the loan entirely might limit your future growth opportunities. Let's explore the option of investing in mutual funds instead.

Investing in Mutual Funds and SWP
Investing Rs 80 lakhs in mutual funds and using an SWP to pay your EMI is another approach. This could allow your investment to grow over time while also providing liquidity for loan payments.

Potential for Higher Returns: Mutual funds, especially equity funds, have the potential to offer higher returns over the long term compared to the interest rate on your home loan. Over a period of 10–15 years, equity mutual funds have historically delivered returns ranging from 10-12% per annum.

Tax Efficiency: When you withdraw money through an SWP, only the gains are taxed, not the principal. With long-term capital gains (LTCG) above Rs 1.25 lakh taxed at 12.5%, and short-term capital gains (STCG) taxed at 20%, this can be a tax-efficient way of generating income for your EMI payments.

Liquidity: By keeping your Rs 80 lakhs invested in mutual funds, you retain liquidity. If an unexpected financial need arises, you can access your funds easily. This flexibility is not available if you choose to pay off your home loan entirely.

Assessing the Risks of Mutual Fund Investment
While investing in mutual funds offers growth potential, it also comes with risks. You need to be aware of market volatility, especially in equity investments.

Market Risk: Mutual funds are subject to market risks, and your returns are not guaranteed. In a down market, the value of your investment may decline, affecting your ability to withdraw enough to cover your EMI.

Discipline in Withdrawal: Withdrawing Rs 50,000 per month might erode your capital if your investments do not grow as expected. It is crucial to regularly monitor your portfolio’s performance and adjust your SWP accordingly.

Interest Rate vs. Expected Mutual Fund Returns
It is essential to compare the interest rate on your home loan with the expected returns from mutual funds. If your home loan interest rate is low (around 6-7%), the returns from mutual funds, especially in equity, may justify not paying off the loan early.

On the other hand, if your home loan interest rate is high (8% or more), paying off the loan might offer a guaranteed return that exceeds the potential returns from mutual funds, after accounting for market risks and taxes.

Debt Reduction vs. Wealth Creation
Paying Off the Loan: This provides a guaranteed return and makes you debt-free. It may also offer peace of mind as you no longer have to worry about EMI payments.

Investing the Rs 80 Lakhs: This gives your money the potential to grow over time, possibly offering higher returns than the home loan interest rate. You can maintain liquidity and generate a monthly income through an SWP to cover the EMI.

Certified Financial Planner's Suggestion
Given your situation, a balanced approach might work best. Consider splitting your Rs 80 lakhs into two parts:

Part Payment of the Loan: You could pay off Rs 35 lakhs of your home loan to reduce your debt. This would eliminate the interest burden on this portion of the loan.

Invest the Remaining Rs 45 Lakhs: By investing the remaining Rs 45 lakhs in mutual funds, you can still benefit from the growth potential of the equity market. You could set up an SWP from this investment to cover your remaining EMI payments, which will now be lower due to the partial loan repayment.

This approach allows you to reduce your debt while also giving your money the opportunity to grow in the market.

Benefits of Actively Managed Mutual Funds
While index funds have gained popularity, actively managed mutual funds may offer better opportunities for growth, especially over the long term. Let’s understand why actively managed funds could be a better option in your case:

Higher Return Potential: Active fund managers have the flexibility to select stocks that can outperform the broader market. This can potentially provide you with higher returns than a passive index fund, which merely replicates the performance of an index.

Downside Protection: In volatile or bearish market conditions, actively managed funds can adjust their portfolio to reduce exposure to riskier assets. This flexibility can help protect your capital, something index funds cannot offer.

Expertise: Actively managed funds rely on the expertise of fund managers, who actively monitor the market and make adjustments to the portfolio based on market conditions. This hands-on approach can make a significant difference to your overall returns.

Disadvantages of Index Funds
Index funds come with their own set of disadvantages. While they have lower expense ratios, they lack the flexibility and expertise of actively managed funds.

No Opportunity to Outperform: Index funds are designed to replicate the performance of an index, such as the Nifty 50 or Sensex. This means that your returns are capped by the performance of the index. If the market is down, index funds will also underperform, with no opportunity for active management to mitigate the losses.

Limited Downside Protection: Index funds must follow the composition of the index, regardless of market conditions. In a falling market, this lack of flexibility can lead to significant losses, as the fund cannot switch to safer assets or sectors.

Benefits of Regular Funds Through a CFP
There are distinct advantages to investing in mutual funds through a Certified Financial Planner (CFP) rather than opting for direct funds.

Professional Guidance: A CFP brings expertise and experience in managing portfolios. They can help you create a customized investment strategy based on your goals, risk tolerance, and financial situation.

Rebalancing and Adjustments: A CFP regularly reviews your portfolio and makes necessary adjustments to keep it aligned with your goals. This ongoing management ensures that your investments remain on track even during market fluctuations.

Tax-Efficient Strategies: A CFP can help you manage your investments in a tax-efficient manner. By planning withdrawals, redemptions, and asset allocation, they can help minimize the tax impact on your returns.

Comprehensive Financial Planning: A CFP provides more than just investment advice. They offer a holistic approach to your financial well-being, considering your long-term goals, tax planning, insurance needs, and retirement planning.

Final Insights
In your case, the choice between paying off your home loan and investing in mutual funds depends on your risk tolerance, financial goals, and the interest rate on your loan. A combination of part payment of the loan and investment in mutual funds offers a balanced approach, providing both debt reduction and potential for wealth creation.

Opting for actively managed mutual funds over index funds could give you better growth potential and downside protection. Additionally, investing through a Certified Financial Planner (CFP) will provide you with the expertise and guidance needed to maximize your returns while minimizing risk.

It’s important to continuously monitor your investments and adjust them based on changing market conditions and your evolving financial goals.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,
www.holisticinvestment.in
https://www.youtube.com/@HolisticInvestment

...Read more

DISCLAIMER: The content of this post by the expert is the personal view of the rediffGURU. Investment in securities market are subject to market risks. Read all the related document carefully before investing. The securities quoted are for illustration only and are not recommendatory. Users are advised to pursue the information provided by the rediffGURU only as a source of information and as a point of reference and to rely on their own judgement when making a decision. RediffGURUS is an intermediary as per India's Information Technology Act.

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