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Relationships Expert - Answered on Sep 09, 2022

Love Guru has been answering relationship and romance related questions on Rediff.com for over 13 years. She won't mince words when telling you what the problem is and what you can do about it. If you want a fresh perspective from an unbiased, objective-thinking individual about your relationship woes, Love Guru could just be the person you need to need to hear from.... more
Anonymous Question by Anonymous on Sep 09, 2022Hindi
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Relationship

Dear Love Guru,
Two years ago, I met a guy on Instagram who I thought was stalking me but later we became friends. During Covid, we became very close and would chat on IG for long hours.
I had never met him. I had feelings for him but never confessed to him or anyone.
One day my best friend told me that they met on my Insta and have been dating for a year.
I was really heartbroken but I couldn't express my feelings to anyone.
Now when she talks to me about him I feel helpless and jealous. I don't know how to deal with my emotions. I can't see him as a friend and I can't tell my friend that I like him too.
Please help.

Ans:

Look, this guy was obviously on the prowl to find a girl on Instagram and I think that he was chatting both you and your friend up, hoping one of the two would end up in a relationship with him.

Who knows where else he was fuelling a fire in the hopes of landing a girlfriend?

And while he was having cosy conversations with you, did he once mention that he was dating your bestie at the side for a whole year? That in itself should tell you that he's something of an opportunist and will take what he can get.

I would suggest you come to terms with it, because he doesn't sound too promising anyway from his behaviour.

I don't think much of him and, as far as I'm concerned, you've dodged a bullet.

Let her have him; you're better off.

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Anu

Anu Krishna  |1655 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Aug 23, 2022

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Hi mam, I am a 19 years old girl. In 2019, after my 10th boards, I came across a guy in FB. He was 9 years older than me. He seemed to be a really nice and helping guy. And he also belonged from a prestigious university pursuing his research. After my 10th, I started preparing for entrance exams. So, he used to motivate me, give me validation, encourage me to do better in my mocks. It all happened online. I haven't even met this guy till date. At that time, he showed me the dream of targeting the best college of India of which I hadn't even thought of before. And I was also so motivated that I started studying hard. Besides, I started emotionally depending on him for validation. He is such a manipulating guy, that slowly I started falling in love with him. He told me that we should wait and see what the time decides. But, slowly he showed his real colours. He was just interested in 'friends with benefits' type of relationship with me. I strongly disagreed on it. Then days and months passed, his validation, manipulation, toxic and provocative words made me stand before an existential crisis. I used to cry out for the entire day. By 2020, during the lockdown phase, staying back at home, dealing with these sh***y things and exam pressure pushed me into depression. He made me insecure about every single thing... My academics, studies, results, my looks, my innocent nature, my previous success, my future.... every single thing. I eventually came to know he was just interested in sharing his life stories, getting an emotional support in his life, a good timepass element, hoping to get intimate with me someday. Moreover he was just interested in successful girls and ladies. So, all I thought at that period was that I have to succeed in my entrance exam at any cost and then everything will be alright.Unfortunately, I could not make it. I failed to qualify in my first attempt. I went into a severe depression, had to attend some online mental health rehab and counselling. To add salt to my wounds, the guy disclosed that he has been in a relationship since the past 1 year. And he is very happy. I broke down completely. For 5-6 months I could not study anything. I have an exam just round the corner. How can I just forget whatever happened and focus on my work? Please help and guide me... I am still having emotional breakdowns very frequently.
Ans:

Dear AI,

The nature of a virtual relationship can be the way that you have mentioned.

What is being shared virtually may not be reality and it is difficult to spot this.

Now that you know, isn’t it a lesson learned not to rely on anyone outside of you for your own happiness?

Did you have to study hard just so that you fit his choice of ‘successful’ women/girls?

Can you not work hard to live your dreams?

What you lack is self-love! Something that you didn’t focus on because you were working hard to prove how relevant you are in his life so that he chooses you.

Even if this relationship works, it will be his call always and other than strive hard to be in his life, there’s nothing that will grow in it.

Moreover, isn’t it a red flag when he revealed that he has been in a relationship for over a year?

Time to get back to yourself. Value yourself more, love yourself more…if you don’t, no one else will!

Start every morning doing these little things:

  • in gratitude for being alive
  • list down 3 things that you love about yourself
  • do one thing that you love at least for 15 minutes everyday
  • spend time in Nature
  • surround yourself with people that love you

These are tried and tested methods to get you out of a low phase.

Again, love yourself more and yet again!

All the best!

..Read more

Shalini

Shalini Singh  |169 Answers  |Ask -

Dating Coach - Answered on Jun 23, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Jun 20, 2024Hindi
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Hello Mam, me and my bestfriend were in a relation for 2 years. everything was going smooth until he asked me to send video of my chest. When i denied he became emotional and asked- we are going to marry right? then whats the problem in sharing those. everyone does that. I'm not that kind of a girl. whenever i said no he used every ways to make me do that despite my discomfort. I told him many times I am uncomfortable but he chose to ignore them. he was the one who promised me that he will never make me uncomfortable. Since then I started to not like his touches. I loved him truly and he was there with me during my dark times . when i was at hostel which allowed phone only 2 days a week because I was planning to write CLAT that year, i seriously felt distant from him. he said he would wait just to hear my voice. i was allowed phone for only 30 minutes and he wanted me to talk to him more than my parents when i needed them most. I gradually started losing hope and i didnt want to create a scene which will affect my exam. But the thing is after gradually losing trust in him i developed a crush at my centre. i never knew his name, never talked , nothing. My mental health was completely messed up. I passed my CLAT exam last year and i never acted upon the crush i had, i broke up with my bf right after the exam because I couldnt handle that relation anymore. to be clear i never broke up with him because i had a crush, even though i was guilty. i broke up because of how he forced me into things he liked and how he never valued my opinions and how i lost trust eventually when he said he had photos of me with him. I broke up for my peace but why do i feel like I've cheated on my ex because i had a crush even though i never acted upon it. Please help me
Ans: You were uncomfortable and moved away from the individual - more power to you. It takes time to come to terms or get over such situations - when breakups happen we all go through self doubt, anger, sadness- this is a phase - they come and pass. Focus on your emotional and mental wellbeing - take care

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Shalini

Shalini Singh  |169 Answers  |Ask -

Dating Coach - Answered on Jun 23, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Jun 23, 2024Hindi
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Relationship
Hello Mam, me and my bestfriend were in a relation for 2 years. everything was going smooth until he asked me to send video of my chest. When i denied he became emotional and asked- we are going to marry right? then whats the problem in sharing those. everyone does that. I'm not that kind of a girl. whenever i said no he used every ways to make me do that despite my discomfort. I told him many times I am uncomfortable but he chose to ignore them. he was the one who promised me that he will never make me uncomfortable. Since then I started to not like his touches. I loved him truly and he was there with me during my dark times . when i was at hostel which allowed phone only 2 days a week because I was planning to write CLAT that year, i seriously felt distant from him. he said he would wait just to hear my voice. i was allowed phone for only 30 minutes and he wanted me to talk to him more than my parents when i needed them most. I gradually started losing hope and i didnt want to create a scene which will affect my exam. But the thing is after gradually losing trust in him i developed a crush at my centre. i never knew his name, never talked , nothing. My mental health was completely messed up. I passed my CLAT exam last year and i never acted upon the crush i had, i broke up with my bf right after the exam because I couldnt handle that relation anymore. to be clear i never broke up with him because i had a crush, even though i was guilty. i broke up because of how he forced me into things he liked and how he never valued my opinions and how i lost trust eventually when he said he had photos of me with him. I broke up for my peace but why do i feel like I've cheated on my ex because i had a crush even though i never acted upon it. Please help me. Was I cheating on him. When we broke up he said I'm like other girls always playing the victim card, he called me names and said he lost respect and felt petty about me when I said I had nothing else to talk on this matter.
Ans: this has been responded to

..Read more

Ravi

Ravi Mittal  |624 Answers  |Ask -

Dating, Relationships Expert - Answered on Sep 13, 2024

Relationship
6monsth back I started talking to one of my colleague, he is attractive by his nature. Almost everyone likes him. he is intelligent, funny, etc.... In calls he used to tell me about his family, his friends, his thoughts, also about the girl (Aliya) whom he liked a lot for 6years (they belong to same village), but she rejected and told that he is her friend only. He told her that he may get feelings for her if they both remained as friends, so better stop talking. But she insisted that they both need to be friends and continue talking. I felt like may be she needed emotional support that's why she insisted. After coming to Jaipur, Aliya started talking to another man named Jitesh. But my colleague used to feel like a third wheel and started keeping distance. Then also she told that they are just friends and he need not distant himself. She always wanted him to give her the first priority. He also feared that she might get upset if he don't give her 1st priority. They used to talk a lot on phone and share everything. One day he brought her to our bay where we both used to sit and work. that day I really felt like I was a third wheel. I felt very bad.. cried for few days. And decided not to talk to him from then on because I didn't want to cry anymore. But he kept trying to have a talk with me. One day he almost cried because I was ignoring him. I couldn't see him like that and also I felt guilt about my behaviour(my intention was not to hurt him but to save my tears). I couldn't help but starting talking to him. He used to mention to me whenever he used to talk to her. and everytime I used to feel very bad. We started talking a lot after few weeks. Whenever I didn't receive proper response from him I used to become very anxious waiting for his reply and cried a lot. But when he starts talking again I used to feel normal. I never wanted to get into relationships, so everytime I used to tell him directly or indirectly about it. But still he continued to talk to me. One day he called me and said that Aliya is in love with Jitesh. He said being a friend he is very happy for her but after sometime he also said that if you also love someone I will stop talking with you also. I understand that he is little sad that he cannot talk to Aliya as he used to talk before because she is in love with someone else. We continued to talk and kept talking a lot. One day I felt like I am too much emotionally getting connected to him and felt like these long talks need to stop. So I asked him saying that I didn't get clarity. Then he opened up and proposed me. I thought for a day and I felt he is also a good person and said yes to him. Then on he became my world. Then on he started talking little less with other girls. One day Aliya called him saying that Jitesh had an incident where everyone thought he was drowned but he came back safely. She needed emotional support and asked him to come to office. She also said she that one of her colleagues didn't bring lunch and she don't have enough food to give her so she asked my colleague to prepare some food and bring it to office. At first my colleague said no thinking of me but Aliya convinced him emotionally saying that will you leave friends if you get a girlfriend and so he prepared lunch and took it to office. That day when he told me all these I felt devastated, I felt really insecured and cried a lot that is our first fight regarding her. He told me that if you say no I will stop talking to her. She again called and asked my colleague that what was my reaction for all these... he kept silent she guessed what might have happened and told that I understand how she might have felt and will not ask him to bring food to office anytime. Then on fights started increasing between us regarding her. whenever we three had a conversation i felt like thirdwheel and felt he is showing more attention towards her, more care towards her. again a fight. Like that fights started increasing. At first he used to listen to me, but after some days he started saying like my thinking is wrong. I even told him how much I cried but he didn't bothered. I never wanted to break their friendship so I never wanted to ask him to stop talking(even though he gave me that option). I only wanted him to give me my importance but I still feel he shows equal care to both of us. Then how am I different? Later on in our every fight, he started supporting her this gave me more pain. One day he said If I leave her for you, then I may leave you for someone else, that is not my character( this is contrary to what he said previously 'I will stop talking to her if i don't want to'). I cried a lot, I don't have much friends I couldn't share this with anyone.... every moment he is only coming to my thoughts and whenever fights happen due to Aliya, I get disturbed a lot... unable to concentrate on my work... not getting interest to do anything. One day out of anger I said just stop talking to her then his expressions totally changed he became hesistant , he became very sad and said I need sometime and don't know how much( his expression is contrary to what he said 'It doesn't bother me much If I don't talk to Aliya' ). He is that much emotionally connected to her. After 5mins I pinged him saying that I am feeling very guilt about the decision and ask him not to stop talking to her. I understood finally that he still thinks I am wrong and I am tired of fighting. One day when I was very emotional I told him that I will no more bring Aliya topic in our discussion and asked him to do whatever he wants. After this, Whenever Aliya calls him or he call her he used to tell me... sometimes I felt very bad... sometimes I tried to ignore as if it didn't bothered me but didn't start any argument with him. After few days he even stopped telling me if she called him or not also. When he was not telling about Aliya's conversations I thought he understood my feelings and reduced talking with her. but one time accidently my colleague's friend told about the small conversation that my colleague and Aliya had, that's how I came to know that they had a conversation but he didn't tell me. I felt very bad, really very bad... again unable to concentrate on work feel like crying all the time... I can't ask him to stop talking to her because I don't like to do so and also afraid of having negative impression on me in my colleague's mind. at the same time, I feel very very bad whenever they meet or have a call or does something together. I cannot discuss with him about this anymore. what shall i do, this is bothering me a lot and also having effect on my career, peace and life. please suggest. I am ready to correct myself if there is anything wrong from my end. And I can surely say that If i have a boy bestfriend then he would definitely not feel comfortable and will get upset.
Ans: Dear Jia,

When two people enter a relationship, both must try to make each other feel comfortable. If you are uncomfortable with your partner speaking to his friend, who is also his ex-crush, it is perfectly normal for you to voice it. And reading your question I understood that he has repeatedly mentioned that he had feelings for her, and even wanted to sever ties because staying in touch could only further ignite those feelings. I don't see how you are wrong in letting him know that you don't like their interactions. Plus, in a healthy relationship, the partner comes first. Not friends, especially not this kind of friendship.

Just understand that you are not wrong. Even if his intentions are pure and he looks at her like a friend, you have every right to express your feelings. You made no unreasonable demand. She wasn't "just" a friend; she was always more than that, and being insecure about something like that is not uncommon.

The only thing to do right now is to tell your boyfriend that you understand that the friendship is important but you deserve someone who can pick you over everything- obviously, reasonable things. See what he does. And please remember, you actually deserve someone who would pick you. This is not an ultimatum; it's the truth.

Best Wishes.

..Read more

Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |623 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jan 25, 2025

Relationship
I am a married woman with a beautiful kid, it will be our tenth anniversary this year, however we don't share the relationship of husband -wife from the first year itself, the baby is born by IVF. I do respect my husband though our marriage was not consummated till now. It started two years ago where I met a boy who is very younger to me through social network, I was helping him with his company establishment and support him whenever he feels low both emotionally, financially, work related matters and everything. We got connected emotionally and started texting often and talking on phone. It's like our thoughts match, we respect each other, and enjoy each other's company. We met in person too and became physically involved. It's not that he just wanted to get physical, he too is emotionally connected to me, but I know practically it is impossible to be with him as he is very young, will get married soon in a couple of months and i myself have personal issues like m already married and have a kid. There were no problems between me and my friend till now, but when I came to know about his wedding being fixed I am unable to bear the pain, it's like I am going through an emotional turmoil. I can't ask him to cancel his wedding, I can't leave my husband and kid but since I got connected to him emotionally I am going through severe pain everyday for the few days. I couldn't even eat properly these days, always crying. I know this was brought upon by myself but now I am in a condition where I need an advice to cope up with my emotions. I sincerely need a good advice to become normal, neither i can stay without talking to my friend nor i can leave my kid and husband as he is a very nice person and I respect him as a good friend. Please help me how can I cope up and come out of my emotional turmoil. Please help.
Ans: Dear Surekha,
What you're experiencing is heartbreak, and heartbreak, no matter the circumstances, is incredibly difficult to bear. It's not just about letting go of a person—it’s about letting go of the hopes and emotions you attached to them. You're mourning what could have been, even as you know it wasn't sustainable. Allow yourself to grieve this loss. It's valid, even if the situation feels messy or complicated.

Your emotional attachment to your friend is very real, and it has given you a sense of connection that you may have been craving for years. The thought of losing that bond feels unbearable right now, but I want you to focus on this: the love and comfort you found in him are reflections of what you deserve in life, not just from someone else but also from yourself. You have the capacity to feel and give so deeply, and that’s a beautiful part of you. However, right now, the healthiest thing for your emotional well-being is to gently begin creating some space between you and this relationship. It doesn’t mean cutting him out completely if you don’t feel ready for that, but it does mean slowly reclaiming your heart for yourself.

The pain you're feeling won’t disappear overnight, and that's okay. Healing isn’t about forcing yourself to feel “normal” again as quickly as possible. It’s about sitting with your emotions, understanding them, and letting them flow through you without judgment. When the sadness comes, acknowledge it without pushing it away or clinging to it. Journaling can help—it lets you pour your heart out without fear of being judged. Sometimes, just seeing your thoughts on paper can create a bit of distance and help you process them.

You mentioned that you love your husband as a good friend, even if your marriage hasn't been conventional. Think about what stability and comfort this relationship brings to your life, even if it doesn’t fulfill you romantically. You don’t have to force yourself to feel a certain way about your husband, but recognizing what he and your family provide can be grounding during this emotional turmoil.

For now, lean on things that bring you comfort outside of this relationship—your child, close friends, or hobbies that once made you feel alive. Sometimes, when our emotional world is too overwhelming, focusing on small, manageable actions can help. Go for a walk, listen to music, or even try mindfulness exercises. These things won’t erase your pain, but they can help soften its edges.

Finally, remind yourself that this is a season of your life—it won’t last forever, no matter how unbearable it feels in this moment. You are allowed to feel all the things you're feeling, but you are also strong enough to move through them. If you can, consider speaking to a therapist or counselor. Having someone to hold space for your emotions in a neutral and supportive way can be incredibly healing.

You’re not alone in this, even if it feels that way. You’re navigating a very human, very complex situation, and you’re doing the best you can. Give yourself grace, and know that you will find clarity and peace again, one step at a time.

..Read more

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