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Shalini

Shalini Singh  |92 Answers  |Ask -

Dating Coach - Answered on Jun 23, 2024

Shalini Singh is the founder of andwemet, an online matchmaking service for urban Indians living in India and overseas. After graduating from college as a kindergarten teacher, Singh worked at various firms specialising in marketing strategy, digital marketing and public relations before finding her niche as an entrepreneur. In 2008, she founded Galvanise PR, an independent communications and public relations. In 2019, she launched andwemet.
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Asked by Anonymous - Jun 23, 2024Hindi
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Relationship

Hello Mam, me and my bestfriend were in a relation for 2 years. everything was going smooth until he asked me to send video of my chest. When i denied he became emotional and asked- we are going to marry right? then whats the problem in sharing those. everyone does that. I'm not that kind of a girl. whenever i said no he used every ways to make me do that despite my discomfort. I told him many times I am uncomfortable but he chose to ignore them. he was the one who promised me that he will never make me uncomfortable. Since then I started to not like his touches. I loved him truly and he was there with me during my dark times . when i was at hostel which allowed phone only 2 days a week because I was planning to write CLAT that year, i seriously felt distant from him. he said he would wait just to hear my voice. i was allowed phone for only 30 minutes and he wanted me to talk to him more than my parents when i needed them most. I gradually started losing hope and i didnt want to create a scene which will affect my exam. But the thing is after gradually losing trust in him i developed a crush at my centre. i never knew his name, never talked , nothing. My mental health was completely messed up. I passed my CLAT exam last year and i never acted upon the crush i had, i broke up with my bf right after the exam because I couldnt handle that relation anymore. to be clear i never broke up with him because i had a crush, even though i was guilty. i broke up because of how he forced me into things he liked and how he never valued my opinions and how i lost trust eventually when he said he had photos of me with him. I broke up for my peace but why do i feel like I've cheated on my ex because i had a crush even though i never acted upon it. Please help me. Was I cheating on him. When we broke up he said I'm like other girls always playing the victim card, he called me names and said he lost respect and felt petty about me when I said I had nothing else to talk on this matter.

Ans: this has been responded to

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Anu

Anu Krishna  |986 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Sep 12, 2022

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Hello mam! Let me get straight into my story... I have 3 best friends. We were very close.One of them, say A, was in a relationship with a girl named B. We kind of set it up in 2019 but soon he lost interest. But she was into him. She begged him but he didn't respect her feelings. This went on for a year then she slowly began to move on.Meanwhile, the girl and I got close. When he didn’t respond to her, she would cry to me and I pacified her. We became good friends but it escalated and we got into a relationship. I didn't discuss it with my friends. I informed them only after we became serious. It broke our friendship. I had asked my friend A many times about her and he’d said it’s all over so I never thought of discussing. I wasn’t aware that he was thinking about patching up with her. Now none of my close friends talk to me. Since most of my other friends are common to both of us, my entire school friends’ circle is lost. I feel very lonely. I know it’s my mistake. I shouldn't have done it. I never expected him to consider reuniting with her. Now I feel guilty for cheating my best friend. I feel like I abducted his girlfriend from him. What should I do now? Should I break up my relationship? I know this won’t change anything now. But at least after a few years I can hope my friends will accept me. At the same time, I am into her so much and so is she but I feel terribly guilty and miss my friends. I am totally confused.Would like to know your thoughts on my situation!!
Ans: Dear AP,

I don’t know how old you are, but it seems to me that you have broken some unwritten Bro Code.

But honestly, from your story all I can fathom is that you are choosing to feel guilty simply because your ‘close’ friends as you call them, ignore you.

Isn’t it immature of you to actually not be able to make a decision in life that involves you and your relationships, or do you need the blessings of your so-called friends for it?

As far as you are concerned, things were over between your friend and the girl.

So, did you need to take their permission to date her?

Also, what about your other friends? Did they not bother to even hear from you once and choose to see things your way and patch thing between you and your friend?

Instead, they decided to play the judge and pronounce you guilty for an act that doesn’t seem to need that verdict.

So, do you still want to swim in the sea of guilt and see your relationship with the girl wash away with time OR do you want to go surf that tide and take charge of your decision? Get the drift here?

Step Up; all the best!

..Read more

Anu

Anu Krishna  |986 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Sep 12, 2022

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Hello mam! Let me get straight into my story... I have 3 best friends. We were very close.One of them, say A, was in a relationship with a girl named B. We kind of set it up in 2019 but soon he lost interest. But she was into him. She begged him but he didn't respect her feelings. This went on for a year then she slowly began to move on.Meanwhile, the girl and I got close. When he didn’t respond to her, she would cry to me and I pacified her. We became good friends but it escalated and we got into a relationship. I didn't discuss it with my friends. I informed them only after we became serious. It broke our friendship. I had asked my friend A many times about her and he’d said it’s all over so I never thought of discussing. I wasn’t aware that he was thinking about patching up with her. Now none of my close friends talk to me. Since most of my other friends are common to both of us, my entire school friends’ circle is lost. I feel very lonely. I know it’s my mistake. I shouldn't have done it. I never expected him to consider reuniting with her. Now I feel guilty for cheating my best friend. I feel like I abducted his girlfriend from him. What should I do now? Should I break up my relationship? I know this won’t change anything now. But at least after a few years I can hope my friends will accept me. At the same time, I am into her so much and so is she but I feel terribly guilty and miss my friends. I am totally confused.Would like to know your thoughts on my situation!!
Ans: Dear AP,

I don’t know how old you are, but it seems to me that you have broken some unwritten Bro Code.

But honestly, from your story all I can fathom is that you are choosing to feel guilty simply because your ‘close’ friends as you call them, ignore you.

Isn’t it immature of you to actually not be able to make a decision in life that involves you and your relationships, or do you need the blessings of your so-called friends for it?

As far as you are concerned, things were over between your friend and the girl.

So, did you need to take their permission to date her?

Also, what about your other friends? Did they not bother to even hear from you once and choose to see things your way and patch thing between you and your friend?

Instead, they decided to play the judge and pronounce you guilty for an act that doesn’t seem to need that verdict.

So, do you still want to swim in the sea of guilt and see your relationship with the girl wash away with time OR do you want to go surf that tide and take charge of your decision? Get the drift here?

Step Up; all the best!

..Read more

Ravi

Ravi Mittal  |237 Answers  |Ask -

Dating, Relationships Expert - Answered on May 23, 2023

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Relationship
I am 12th passed student and I had a bf around feb .Everything was perfectly fine in the starting but then somehow our talks got less and i asked him if everything was ok bcoz i felt strange whenever we talked through texts. He said he is tired and doesn't wanna talk and did not know what happened to him ... Plus exams were ongoing so I supported the way I can but i knew something was off ... As the time passed things got worse. I asked how much time u need to be urself .. u are going out with ur friends but don't wanna talk to me neither u asked how i am for past dew weeks or a month . In the last he said leave I am not good enough for you. Everything thing we talked was on snapchat app. I was so depressed plus my exam result were less then expected. I stopped using any social media.. There wasn't a single day i missed him or thought of seeing the snaps but somehow i made myself I understand that If u were imp he wouldn't talk about leaving...ig ... But still I do miss him when everything was started and ended by him... On 14th My frnd texted me asking abt my result and she said she will ask him aswell( she doesn't know abt us dating) ... And after a week i.e today i downloaded the app and i saw that he sent me snaps till 14th and they all were deleted and after that there was nothing. Somehow i feel that there must be some conversations between my frnd and him. But what i feel now is that i regret why i didn't saw his msgs when i missed him. It makes me feel regret and sad . Whenever i think about it i forget all that disrespect but at the same time something stops me . Idk what kind of feeling is this ... All ik that there was a little communication between us that was also gone ... I just wanna overcome but i cant . Its gonna be a month and these emotions are really making me feel depressed. I even start making scenarios and stories in my mind . Idk what is happening to me . Pls help me overcome this what should i do ?
Ans: Dear Radha,

I understand that you are experiencing a rollercoaster of emotions at the moment, but listen to me, this too shall pass. You won't feel this way three months from now. Six months from now, you will find it funny that you even felt this way once, and you might even regret focusing on your ex than your exams. Two years from now, you will even forget how you felt on this day; you will forget the sorrow, you will forget how lonely and helpless you felt. You will move on. Everyone does. Look at the bigger picture and these feelings that you are experiencing today will seem small.

Now, coming to how you can deal with it at present- focus on your studies; everything can wait, but your career won't. Hang out with your friends; tell them how you are feeling. Talking about pain is known to give some kind of relief. No one can take it from you, but having someone to listen to it can help. Focus on your health- mental and physical; workout a bit. It helps. And, in the end, let time do its magic.

P.S. If he says he's not good enough for you, believe it. You deserve better; even your ex thinks so. So why don't you?

Best Wishes!

..Read more

Ravi

Ravi Mittal  |237 Answers  |Ask -

Dating, Relationships Expert - Answered on Feb 02, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Feb 02, 2024Hindi
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Relationship
Hi, I am a 22 year old female with an engineering graduation passed before 6 months. I had an long term relationship with my boyfriend since 4.5 years. We both are from different cities of KA and currently in it's capital city. I socialize with my male friends, which my bf does'nt like and whenever we meet it always turns into a fight. During my college graduation day, I was told not to participate which I did'nt agreed yet participated. During this my bf saw me with my friends around me and slapped me in public. This happened many times. Even though I have had quite a intimate time with one of my classmate and kissed another one. I never had real S*x with anyone. The intimacy was only to show my anger on my bf. Now I changed my location after graduation, broke with my bf and now I have a deeper understanding & relationship with a man of 42 aged-married-2 kids and a yet good being. We both had good time, no trust issues, no s*x, yet intimacies for couple of times. He keeps me happy, joyful, helping me towards my profession and goal, respects, looks me well and yet never forced me for penetration. He has plans to fly to UK after 3-5 years and promised to take me with him supporting my profession. I was really contented and happy with this relationship. He even assured that marriage can happen between us, If I agree and If I can wait until he gets divorced from his wife. But one day, my ex bf friend called and said that he has met with an accident and is in severed health issues like (piles, kidney stones). He is basically a drunkyard. Seeing this I got agitated. Now I wanted to breakup with the current man and go back to by ex-bf because he is left alone and we had 4.5 years of relation. I don't whether I am correct or not, Please advise.
Ans: Dear Anonymous,

I am not sure if you are right either way. Being in a relationship with a married man, who is yet to get divorce, is ethically incorrect, whether there is physical intimacy or not. At the same time going back to your ex merely because you feel sad for him is also not the right choice. You are yourself admitting that he is a drunkard and he was also controlling and above all he slapped you; there's no excuse for any form of physical abuse in a relationship. Being in love does not make it okay to hit your partner. Please understand that.

In my opinion, you should take some time to reflect on the choices you are making. I truly believe you deserve better than a man who hits you, tries to control you, and a man who is already committed to someone else. Please think about it and make better choices that will allow you to feel true happiness.

Best Wishes.

..Read more

Shalini

Shalini Singh  |92 Answers  |Ask -

Dating Coach - Answered on Jun 23, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Jun 20, 2024Hindi
Listen
Relationship
Hello Mam, me and my bestfriend were in a relation for 2 years. everything was going smooth until he asked me to send video of my chest. When i denied he became emotional and asked- we are going to marry right? then whats the problem in sharing those. everyone does that. I'm not that kind of a girl. whenever i said no he used every ways to make me do that despite my discomfort. I told him many times I am uncomfortable but he chose to ignore them. he was the one who promised me that he will never make me uncomfortable. Since then I started to not like his touches. I loved him truly and he was there with me during my dark times . when i was at hostel which allowed phone only 2 days a week because I was planning to write CLAT that year, i seriously felt distant from him. he said he would wait just to hear my voice. i was allowed phone for only 30 minutes and he wanted me to talk to him more than my parents when i needed them most. I gradually started losing hope and i didnt want to create a scene which will affect my exam. But the thing is after gradually losing trust in him i developed a crush at my centre. i never knew his name, never talked , nothing. My mental health was completely messed up. I passed my CLAT exam last year and i never acted upon the crush i had, i broke up with my bf right after the exam because I couldnt handle that relation anymore. to be clear i never broke up with him because i had a crush, even though i was guilty. i broke up because of how he forced me into things he liked and how he never valued my opinions and how i lost trust eventually when he said he had photos of me with him. I broke up for my peace but why do i feel like I've cheated on my ex because i had a crush even though i never acted upon it. Please help me
Ans: You were uncomfortable and moved away from the individual - more power to you. It takes time to come to terms or get over such situations - when breakups happen we all go through self doubt, anger, sadness- this is a phase - they come and pass. Focus on your emotional and mental wellbeing - take care

..Read more

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Anu

Anu Krishna  |986 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jun 28, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Jun 25, 2024Hindi
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Me and my wife are happily married for 10 years and having a twins 4 years before. This incident happened 8 years ago, when my wife and her cousin visited the home town for a temple function they reconnected with this guy who is their old friend ( a distinct relative also), this person had an interest on my wife before marriage and my wife rejected. Now this person is married and having one kid. when they reconnected my wife's cousin used to do conference calls along with this person and my wife. My wife asked me is it ok to talk. i said yes it is fine but just maintain a boundary. So she wont attend all the calls from them. Attended some conference calls for 5 to 15 min and drop the call saying my husband don't like me in phone too much. this happens weekly once or twice for 2 month. they also had a watsapp group, in that they had friendly chat between them, mostly between wife's cousin and that person. My wife reply was very less. but when i was going through the messages they are not flirty messages, there i saw my wife saying very positive about our relationship and her cousin also agreed to that saying they are the best couples. but that person has addressed my wife's cousin and my wife occasionally as honey and dear. but both of them ignored and not asked them to stop calling like that. when i checked this with my wife she said that person calls everyone as honey/dear even her sisters and other cousin.it is habitual for him so she found no meaning in that and she is not bothered to correct that. thats why she ignored. i asked her to stop talking to him. My wife told she already stopped talking with him as he tried to make personal calls as she did not like it. that time the wats group also not active so she exited from the group and blocked his number. Recently we came to know that one of the relative girl got into affair with this person and this person got divorced due to that 1. Does words like honey can be used in friendly way. i have many freinds in other gender i never used honey even though i used 'dear' occassionaly. As he used this word with my wife, Does this make my wife less pure than other women's. is this cheating ? 2. I cant come in to terms with the fact my wife talked to a person who is a womanizer. does this affect my wife's reputation in the society. they never met in person other than this temple function reconnect.
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
What is cheating and what is not is purely based on the Book of Rules that each of us have within us; it comes from the way we have been raised on a diet of 'right' and 'wrong' AND from our own experiences.
While validating whether a particular rule works well or not, just put in into context and see it.
- Does that rule keep you away from actually seeing things more openly?
- Does that rule keep you occupied with small things that hold no value?

I guess, you must think of it: is this really cheating? When your wife says that she has stopped talking to him, what makes you still obsess over it?
Also, her rule book says that 'honey' and 'dear' might not be a big thing...Plus, how can she control what another person says...yes, she could have objected and she didn't but not that she played on it.

See, the second doubts have crept in, the mind goes all over the place...even if there are no flirty messages, you will still find something problematic to confirm that what you were thinking in the first place.
So, maybe you need to look within to understand if there are jealousies and insecurities within you and that is what is occupying your mind. If Yes, then address this; speak with your wife and it's fine to tell her that you feel hurt and that you don't like it. When you are frank, a lot of things get sorted out...she may very well understand your point of view...and on your part, as you have said: she used to reply less and not respond much to him...
Do you want unnecessary thoughts drive a wedge in your marriage? Speak it out and things fall in place...

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

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