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Seeking Advice: Torn Between Boyfriend and His Best Friend

Ravi

Ravi Mittal  |349 Answers  |Ask -

Dating, Relationships Expert - Answered on Sep 13, 2024

Ravi Mittal is an expert on dating and relationships.
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Jia Question by Jia on Sep 11, 2024Hindi
Relationship

6monsth back I started talking to one of my colleague, he is attractive by his nature. Almost everyone likes him. he is intelligent, funny, etc.... In calls he used to tell me about his family, his friends, his thoughts, also about the girl (Aliya) whom he liked a lot for 6years (they belong to same village), but she rejected and told that he is her friend only. He told her that he may get feelings for her if they both remained as friends, so better stop talking. But she insisted that they both need to be friends and continue talking. I felt like may be she needed emotional support that's why she insisted. After coming to Jaipur, Aliya started talking to another man named Jitesh. But my colleague used to feel like a third wheel and started keeping distance. Then also she told that they are just friends and he need not distant himself. She always wanted him to give her the first priority. He also feared that she might get upset if he don't give her 1st priority. They used to talk a lot on phone and share everything. One day he brought her to our bay where we both used to sit and work. that day I really felt like I was a third wheel. I felt very bad.. cried for few days. And decided not to talk to him from then on because I didn't want to cry anymore. But he kept trying to have a talk with me. One day he almost cried because I was ignoring him. I couldn't see him like that and also I felt guilt about my behaviour(my intention was not to hurt him but to save my tears). I couldn't help but starting talking to him. He used to mention to me whenever he used to talk to her. and everytime I used to feel very bad. We started talking a lot after few weeks. Whenever I didn't receive proper response from him I used to become very anxious waiting for his reply and cried a lot. But when he starts talking again I used to feel normal. I never wanted to get into relationships, so everytime I used to tell him directly or indirectly about it. But still he continued to talk to me. One day he called me and said that Aliya is in love with Jitesh. He said being a friend he is very happy for her but after sometime he also said that if you also love someone I will stop talking with you also. I understand that he is little sad that he cannot talk to Aliya as he used to talk before because she is in love with someone else. We continued to talk and kept talking a lot. One day I felt like I am too much emotionally getting connected to him and felt like these long talks need to stop. So I asked him saying that I didn't get clarity. Then he opened up and proposed me. I thought for a day and I felt he is also a good person and said yes to him. Then on he became my world. Then on he started talking little less with other girls. One day Aliya called him saying that Jitesh had an incident where everyone thought he was drowned but he came back safely. She needed emotional support and asked him to come to office. She also said she that one of her colleagues didn't bring lunch and she don't have enough food to give her so she asked my colleague to prepare some food and bring it to office. At first my colleague said no thinking of me but Aliya convinced him emotionally saying that will you leave friends if you get a girlfriend and so he prepared lunch and took it to office. That day when he told me all these I felt devastated, I felt really insecured and cried a lot that is our first fight regarding her. He told me that if you say no I will stop talking to her. She again called and asked my colleague that what was my reaction for all these... he kept silent she guessed what might have happened and told that I understand how she might have felt and will not ask him to bring food to office anytime. Then on fights started increasing between us regarding her. whenever we three had a conversation i felt like thirdwheel and felt he is showing more attention towards her, more care towards her. again a fight. Like that fights started increasing. At first he used to listen to me, but after some days he started saying like my thinking is wrong. I even told him how much I cried but he didn't bothered. I never wanted to break their friendship so I never wanted to ask him to stop talking(even though he gave me that option). I only wanted him to give me my importance but I still feel he shows equal care to both of us. Then how am I different? Later on in our every fight, he started supporting her this gave me more pain. One day he said If I leave her for you, then I may leave you for someone else, that is not my character( this is contrary to what he said previously 'I will stop talking to her if i don't want to'). I cried a lot, I don't have much friends I couldn't share this with anyone.... every moment he is only coming to my thoughts and whenever fights happen due to Aliya, I get disturbed a lot... unable to concentrate on my work... not getting interest to do anything. One day out of anger I said just stop talking to her then his expressions totally changed he became hesistant , he became very sad and said I need sometime and don't know how much( his expression is contrary to what he said 'It doesn't bother me much If I don't talk to Aliya' ). He is that much emotionally connected to her. After 5mins I pinged him saying that I am feeling very guilt about the decision and ask him not to stop talking to her. I understood finally that he still thinks I am wrong and I am tired of fighting. One day when I was very emotional I told him that I will no more bring Aliya topic in our discussion and asked him to do whatever he wants. After this, Whenever Aliya calls him or he call her he used to tell me... sometimes I felt very bad... sometimes I tried to ignore as if it didn't bothered me but didn't start any argument with him. After few days he even stopped telling me if she called him or not also. When he was not telling about Aliya's conversations I thought he understood my feelings and reduced talking with her. but one time accidently my colleague's friend told about the small conversation that my colleague and Aliya had, that's how I came to know that they had a conversation but he didn't tell me. I felt very bad, really very bad... again unable to concentrate on work feel like crying all the time... I can't ask him to stop talking to her because I don't like to do so and also afraid of having negative impression on me in my colleague's mind. at the same time, I feel very very bad whenever they meet or have a call or does something together. I cannot discuss with him about this anymore. what shall i do, this is bothering me a lot and also having effect on my career, peace and life. please suggest. I am ready to correct myself if there is anything wrong from my end. And I can surely say that If i have a boy bestfriend then he would definitely not feel comfortable and will get upset.

Ans: Dear Jia,

When two people enter a relationship, both must try to make each other feel comfortable. If you are uncomfortable with your partner speaking to his friend, who is also his ex-crush, it is perfectly normal for you to voice it. And reading your question I understood that he has repeatedly mentioned that he had feelings for her, and even wanted to sever ties because staying in touch could only further ignite those feelings. I don't see how you are wrong in letting him know that you don't like their interactions. Plus, in a healthy relationship, the partner comes first. Not friends, especially not this kind of friendship.

Just understand that you are not wrong. Even if his intentions are pure and he looks at her like a friend, you have every right to express your feelings. You made no unreasonable demand. She wasn't "just" a friend; she was always more than that, and being insecure about something like that is not uncommon.

The only thing to do right now is to tell your boyfriend that you understand that the friendship is important but you deserve someone who can pick you over everything- obviously, reasonable things. See what he does. And please remember, you actually deserve someone who would pick you. This is not an ultimatum; it's the truth.

Best Wishes.

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Ravi

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I am 12th passed student and I had a bf around feb .Everything was perfectly fine in the starting but then somehow our talks got less and i asked him if everything was ok bcoz i felt strange whenever we talked through texts. He said he is tired and doesn't wanna talk and did not know what happened to him ... Plus exams were ongoing so I supported the way I can but i knew something was off ... As the time passed things got worse. I asked how much time u need to be urself .. u are going out with ur friends but don't wanna talk to me neither u asked how i am for past dew weeks or a month . In the last he said leave I am not good enough for you. Everything thing we talked was on snapchat app. I was so depressed plus my exam result were less then expected. I stopped using any social media.. There wasn't a single day i missed him or thought of seeing the snaps but somehow i made myself I understand that If u were imp he wouldn't talk about leaving...ig ... But still I do miss him when everything was started and ended by him... On 14th My frnd texted me asking abt my result and she said she will ask him aswell( she doesn't know abt us dating) ... And after a week i.e today i downloaded the app and i saw that he sent me snaps till 14th and they all were deleted and after that there was nothing. Somehow i feel that there must be some conversations between my frnd and him. But what i feel now is that i regret why i didn't saw his msgs when i missed him. It makes me feel regret and sad . Whenever i think about it i forget all that disrespect but at the same time something stops me . Idk what kind of feeling is this ... All ik that there was a little communication between us that was also gone ... I just wanna overcome but i cant . Its gonna be a month and these emotions are really making me feel depressed. I even start making scenarios and stories in my mind . Idk what is happening to me . Pls help me overcome this what should i do ?
Ans: Dear Radha,

I understand that you are experiencing a rollercoaster of emotions at the moment, but listen to me, this too shall pass. You won't feel this way three months from now. Six months from now, you will find it funny that you even felt this way once, and you might even regret focusing on your ex than your exams. Two years from now, you will even forget how you felt on this day; you will forget the sorrow, you will forget how lonely and helpless you felt. You will move on. Everyone does. Look at the bigger picture and these feelings that you are experiencing today will seem small.

Now, coming to how you can deal with it at present- focus on your studies; everything can wait, but your career won't. Hang out with your friends; tell them how you are feeling. Talking about pain is known to give some kind of relief. No one can take it from you, but having someone to listen to it can help. Focus on your health- mental and physical; workout a bit. It helps. And, in the end, let time do its magic.

P.S. If he says he's not good enough for you, believe it. You deserve better; even your ex thinks so. So why don't you?

Best Wishes!

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Ravi

Ravi Mittal  |349 Answers  |Ask -

Dating, Relationships Expert - Answered on Jun 15, 2023

Asked by Anonymous - Jun 15, 2023Hindi
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Relationship
Hi I need some clarity. I have a colleague at work. We started off as good friends. Daily chats spending free time as much as possible. It was all good. Healthy flirting,friendly banters and being there for each other. He held my hand a little longer while shaking hands.A week ago,during one evening stroll, we shared a passionate kiss which i sort of visualized.and the next day after work,we got intimate. We spent a lot of time at his place. He took care of me a lot. That every thing was fine. I was also aware of the fact that he will get engrossed in his work since a review meeting of his department is next in line.I respect his work and wait for him for one text. No use. Its always me who is initiating the conversation. I know men feel different after sex. I understand. So i was waiting for him. But yesterday he did something,which made me burst into tears. He came in my department to meet our manager. While waiting,he complimented another female colleague for her lipstick colour. That to in front of me!Is it my overreacting or something else. Because it hurt me a lot! I was like "You are saying that you don't have time for me ,you are too busy in your work. But you got the time to notice the lip colour!" So i wanted to see further,i didn't call or text him,and as predicted he did not call or text me at all. I had hopes from him,he will be by my side. A good friend .a solace. I feel betrayed and i need some clarity for the next steps. I don’t know what to do next?
Ans: Dear Anonymous,

I understand you are feeling hurt and confused. Let me start by telling you something that you must already know- a relationship, be it any kind of relationship, is a two-way street. You cannot be the one initiating every conversation in a relationship. Second, any relationship that makes you feel unwanted and keeps you wondering what's going to happen next is not worth your time or effort. Free yourself of such unnecessary burdens.

You two were not exclusive or did not define your relationship at any point in time. At least that's what I understood from your question. Given this, technically he can flirt with others and he can stop wanting to spend time with you. But morally, should he be doing so? No. I'd suggest you spend less time thinking about him and more time taking care of yourself. You deserve better than being treated as discarded. If he decides to come back, you can be civil with him, but being friendly or flirty no longer seems like an ideal option, given how he is treating you now.

Best Wishes!

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Hi I am working in an compnay since 4 yrs i had and friendship with my senior and he ia married but staying alone. His family was at native place. We both r maaried and we know about we had family but now we are in relationships since 3 years. As his family was not here i helped him in every manner in covid situtation. We know pur priority is family first. But since his family is here from one year last. He has stopped chatting talking to me. Only we are mostly having one side fight. He is now feeling irritation in talking to me normally also. During my job i m doing better than also everytime he feels irritated. I dont know what to do. Now he is saying he dont have time. He dont want to leave me. But stopped everything's. Only when he needs help he speaks to me or replies to message. I dont want to leave my job nor complaint to someone. What shoul i do dont understand. I have ensured him that i dont want him also to leave his family. Nor i want to leavemy family. I m confused what to do. I have done everything for him and now he has forgot evething. He says he love me he dont want to leave me. But at this situtation what should i do.
Ans: Hello Ms.
It's important to approach this with sensitivity and consideration for everyone involved. Understand that his family is a significant part of his life, and he may need time to adjust to the changes. Respect his commitments and responsibilities towards his family. Think about the long-term implications of the relationship. Consider whether it's sustainable in the current circumstances and whether it aligns with your personal values and priorities. Take some time to reflect on your own feelings and the dynamics of your relationship. Consider whether this situation is bringing you happiness and fulfillment, or if it's causing you distress. Establish clear boundaries in your relationship to ensure that both of you are comfortable and that these boundaries are respected. If he is feeling overwhelmed or stressed with the recent changes in his family situation, it might be helpful to give him some space. Encourage open communication make sure you both are on the same page about the nature of your relationship and the level of communication you both desire.Be prepared for the possibility that the relationship may need to change or come to an end. Reflect on your own priorities and boundaries. Ensure that your relationship doesn't negatively impact your personal and professional life. It's essential to maintain a healthy balance and focus on your own well-being. While this can be difficult, it's important to prioritize your own well-being and the well-being of everyone involved.

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Latest Questions
Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |6592 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Oct 14, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Oct 14, 2024Hindi
Money
Hi I am 46 years old, my current investment is -as the follows, 1.90 cr in bank FD, 10 lakh in mutual fund and stocks. 50 lakhs for child’s education 1 child in grade 10. I have a house worth 2 cr which I have given for rent 40k monthly .I do not want to work any more and plan to retire in the next 2 years in my other house in my village. Is it possible to retire by 50 years.
Ans: At 46, you have built up a solid base for retirement. Your current investments include Rs 1.9 crore in fixed deposits (FDs), Rs 10 lakh in mutual funds and stocks, and Rs 50 lakh set aside for your child’s education. Additionally, you own a house worth Rs 2 crore, generating a rent of Rs 40,000 per month. Retiring by 50 is a realistic goal, but careful planning is needed. Let’s break down how this can be achieved and sustained.

Monthly Expenses After Retirement
The first step to ensuring a successful retirement is to estimate your monthly expenses. Since you plan to retire in your village house, your living costs might be lower than in the city. However, it's important to account for:

Regular living expenses such as food, utilities, and transportation.
Medical and health care costs that might increase as you age.
Inflation, which will erode the value of your savings over time.
You should aim to create an emergency fund and a monthly income plan that covers at least your basic needs. Your rental income of Rs 40,000 will cover a part of this, but more sources of income will ensure financial stability.

Education Fund for Your Child
With Rs 50 lakh set aside for your child’s education, you are already in a strong position. However, as your child is currently in grade 10, higher education expenses could increase significantly over the next few years.

To maintain the growth of this fund, consider placing it in a combination of low-risk instruments like debt mutual funds. These funds are less volatile and offer better returns than traditional savings methods. This strategy ensures that the education corpus remains intact and grows moderately until it's needed.

Reassessing the Fixed Deposits (FDs)
You have Rs 1.9 crore in fixed deposits, which provides stability. While FDs offer guaranteed returns, the interest rates can be lower than inflation over time. Hence, relying too much on FDs could limit your long-term growth.

Since you are planning to retire within two years, it's essential to start shifting a portion of this money into balanced investment options. These can include mutual funds with a mix of debt and equity, which provide a balance of stability and growth.

This move can help you combat inflation and generate better long-term returns without too much risk.

Mutual Fund and Stock Investments
Your Rs 10 lakh investment in mutual funds and stocks is another important part of your portfolio. You could consider:

Increasing your exposure to mutual funds with a focus on equity, especially in growth funds. Over the next two to three years, these funds can potentially generate higher returns, enhancing your retirement corpus.

Actively managed funds can offer better results compared to index funds, as professional fund managers help navigate market volatility.

Avoid direct funds, as they require constant monitoring and may lack the guidance that comes with investing through a certified financial planner (CFP).

You can slowly phase out some of your FD savings and channel them into well-diversified mutual funds. This strategy will increase your overall return potential and give you more flexibility.

Rental Income and Sustainable Withdrawals
Your rental income of Rs 40,000 is a good source of passive income. Post-retirement, you will rely more on this money to meet your monthly expenses. But it is crucial to build a sustainable withdrawal strategy from your other investments as well.

Consider the following steps to ensure you have enough income post-retirement:

Systematic Withdrawal Plan (SWP): You can set up an SWP in your mutual funds to provide a regular stream of income. An SWP allows you to withdraw a fixed amount each month while letting your corpus continue to grow.

Diversification of sources: Along with your rental income, an SWP from your mutual funds, interest from fixed deposits, and dividends from your stock investments will help you maintain a steady cash flow.

Medical Insurance and Health Care Planning
One of the most important aspects of retiring early is securing your health care. Medical costs can take up a significant portion of your savings if not properly managed.

Ensure you have a comprehensive health insurance policy with adequate coverage. Additionally, consider a top-up health insurance plan to cover higher medical expenses that could arise in the future. This will protect your retirement corpus from being depleted due to medical emergencies.

Managing Inflation and Risk
Inflation can severely impact your retirement plans. The costs of goods, services, and medical care will rise over time. Therefore, your investments must grow faster than inflation to maintain your lifestyle.

To counter inflation, it’s advisable to:

Maintain a portion of your portfolio in equity. Equity investments historically offer higher returns compared to debt and fixed-income options. Over the long term, equities can help your corpus grow at a rate that outpaces inflation.

Diversify into debt funds to reduce risk while maintaining liquidity. A mix of equity and debt will help you stay safe from market volatility but still give you decent growth.

Risk Management in Retirement
Since you plan to retire at 50, it’s essential to preserve your capital while also growing it. The strategy of balancing risk and reward is crucial. You can:

Lower the risk in equity investments as you approach your retirement date. You could reduce your equity exposure gradually and shift to lower-risk investments like debt funds, which are more stable.

Avoid high-risk investments or speculative moves, especially when you are so close to retirement. Your focus should now be on wealth preservation with moderate growth.

Final Insights
Yes, retiring by 50 is possible, but it requires careful management of your assets and income sources. Here’s a summary of how you can achieve this:

Reassess your fixed deposits: Move a portion into mutual funds to increase returns while keeping a part for liquidity.

Increase your mutual fund investments: Actively managed funds can offer better long-term growth, especially when you are not working.

Leverage your rental income: Rs 40,000 monthly rental income will cover part of your expenses, but supplement it with SWPs from your mutual fund corpus.

Preserve the education fund: Invest in safer instruments to ensure the Rs 50 lakh remains secure and grows steadily.

Diversify and manage risk: A mix of equity and debt will give you growth and safety, and help fight inflation.

Health care planning: Ensure you have strong health insurance coverage to protect your retirement corpus from medical emergencies.

By taking these steps, you can retire at 50 with financial security and peace of mind.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in
https://www.youtube.com/@HolisticInvestment

...Read more

DISCLAIMER: The content of this post by the expert is the personal view of the rediffGURU. Investment in securities market are subject to market risks. Read all the related document carefully before investing. The securities quoted are for illustration only and are not recommendatory. Users are advised to pursue the information provided by the rediffGURU only as a source of information and as a point of reference and to rely on their own judgement when making a decision. RediffGURUS is an intermediary as per India's Information Technology Act.

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